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I Am Not Esther #1
I am not Esther
Imagine that your mother tells you she's going away. She is going to leave you with relatives you've never heard of - and they are members of a strict religious cult. Your name is changed, and you are forced to follow the severe set of social standards set by the cult. There is no television, no radio, no newspaper. No mirrors. You must wear long, modest clothes. You don't know where your mother is, and you are beginning to question your own identity.
I Am Not Esther is a gripping psychological thriller written by New Zealand Post Children's Book Awards-winning children's writer Fleur Beale. In Esther she creates an enthralling and utterly compelling portrait of a teenager going through her worst nightmare.
I Am Not Esther is a gripping psychological thriller written by New Zealand Post Children's Book Awards-winning children's writer Fleur Beale. In Esther she creates an enthralling and utterly compelling portrait of a teenager going through her worst nightmare.
264 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1998
105 people are currently reading
2407 people want to read
About the author
Fleur Beale
47 books149 followersFleur Beale is the author of many award-winning books for children and young adults, best known for her novel I am not Esther which has been published worldwide.
Beale was one of six children of a dairy farmer Cedric Corney and of a teacher and author Estelle Corney (née Cook). She was born in Inglewood, Taranaki, New Zealand, on the farm where her father was born. Beale grew up in the town before attending Victoria University, Wellington and Christchurch Teachers' Training College, where she met her husband. Since 1985 she has taught at Melville High School in Hamilton, Waikato and in Wellington. Beale's first stories were written for the children's radio programme Grandpa's Place. Her first book was a small reader and picture book for young children and she started to write for teenagers in 1993. Her stories often involve troubled adolescents engaged in outdoor activities.
Beale was a finalist in the Aim Children's Book Awards (junior fiction) and her 1998 novel I am not Esther was shortlisted for the senior fiction section of the 1999 New Zealand Post Children's Awards. In 1999 she was awarded the Children's Writing Fellowship at Dunedin College of Education and quit teaching to write full time. Her 2001 novel Ambushed was a finalist for the Junior Fiction section of the 2002 New Zealand Post Children's Book Awards. Her 2004 account of how an indigenous girl discovers how her education can save her tribal lands (My Story A New Song in the Land. The Writings of Atapo, Pahia, c.1840) received a Notable Book award in 2005 as did Walking Lightly.
Beale was one of six children of a dairy farmer Cedric Corney and of a teacher and author Estelle Corney (née Cook). She was born in Inglewood, Taranaki, New Zealand, on the farm where her father was born. Beale grew up in the town before attending Victoria University, Wellington and Christchurch Teachers' Training College, where she met her husband. Since 1985 she has taught at Melville High School in Hamilton, Waikato and in Wellington. Beale's first stories were written for the children's radio programme Grandpa's Place. Her first book was a small reader and picture book for young children and she started to write for teenagers in 1993. Her stories often involve troubled adolescents engaged in outdoor activities.
Beale was a finalist in the Aim Children's Book Awards (junior fiction) and her 1998 novel I am not Esther was shortlisted for the senior fiction section of the 1999 New Zealand Post Children's Awards. In 1999 she was awarded the Children's Writing Fellowship at Dunedin College of Education and quit teaching to write full time. Her 2001 novel Ambushed was a finalist for the Junior Fiction section of the 2002 New Zealand Post Children's Book Awards. Her 2004 account of how an indigenous girl discovers how her education can save her tribal lands (My Story A New Song in the Land. The Writings of Atapo, Pahia, c.1840) received a Notable Book award in 2005 as did Walking Lightly.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 396 reviews
February 13, 2009
I really enjoyed this book, I thought the plot was great and enjoyed the characters even "grey Uncle Caleb."
Too often I have found that YA books are full of doom and gloom and angst. They try to tackle very heavy subjects, without entertainment or a satisfactory conclusion. I picked up this book after hearing a great book-talk about it and after scanning the blurb was reluctant to read it, but I was very pleasantly surprised. Although it did deal with a fairly heavy subject (religion/cult), it was done with a 'light' touch. I don't mean that it was fluffy, I just mean it was never bogged down with detail of either the subject or Kirby's feelings.
I thought the NZ content in the book was ok even though they even stopped for a coffee in the town I live in - Foxton!. It wasn't pushed as a kiwi book, and apart from the names of the towns, it didn't reflect much of our country. Very generic in the way of most books nowadays.
The thing that impressed me most about this book, is the feelings portrayed by Kirby towards her mother. I felt the writer did extremely well to help Kirby express her negative feelings towards her mother and the battle and guilt that went on inside her about those feelings. I liked that a lot and could relate to it. Too many books today have such negative things to say or portray about relationships between parents and their teens, but this book showed a realism that I think kept the book honest.
As far as the cult/religion theme went, I actually enjoyed it. I didn't find it 'anti-christian' or 'anti-God' at all (and I particularly watch for this). Overall I felt it showed how people can easily be influenced by the 'society' around them whether they want to or not. Kirby's struggle to keep being Kirby and not Esther was portrayed excellently. Her doubts, anxieties and angry feelings were something we can all relate to when we feel bits of us chipping away when we least want it.
Thoroughly enjoyable YA book.
Too often I have found that YA books are full of doom and gloom and angst. They try to tackle very heavy subjects, without entertainment or a satisfactory conclusion. I picked up this book after hearing a great book-talk about it and after scanning the blurb was reluctant to read it, but I was very pleasantly surprised. Although it did deal with a fairly heavy subject (religion/cult), it was done with a 'light' touch. I don't mean that it was fluffy, I just mean it was never bogged down with detail of either the subject or Kirby's feelings.
I thought the NZ content in the book was ok even though they even stopped for a coffee in the town I live in - Foxton!. It wasn't pushed as a kiwi book, and apart from the names of the towns, it didn't reflect much of our country. Very generic in the way of most books nowadays.
The thing that impressed me most about this book, is the feelings portrayed by Kirby towards her mother. I felt the writer did extremely well to help Kirby express her negative feelings towards her mother and the battle and guilt that went on inside her about those feelings. I liked that a lot and could relate to it. Too many books today have such negative things to say or portray about relationships between parents and their teens, but this book showed a realism that I think kept the book honest.
As far as the cult/religion theme went, I actually enjoyed it. I didn't find it 'anti-christian' or 'anti-God' at all (and I particularly watch for this). Overall I felt it showed how people can easily be influenced by the 'society' around them whether they want to or not. Kirby's struggle to keep being Kirby and not Esther was portrayed excellently. Her doubts, anxieties and angry feelings were something we can all relate to when we feel bits of us chipping away when we least want it.
Thoroughly enjoyable YA book.
March 1, 2008
Title: I Am Not Esther
Author: Fleur Beale
Publisher: Hyperion Paperback Year: 1998
# of pages: 250 Genre: Fiction
Reading level Interest level: 10th-11th graders
Potential hot lava: Language, religious ideas (cults)
General response/reaction: I chose this book because the synopsis sounded amazing and immediately caught my attention. I assumed with the title “I Am Not Esther” and having a religious theme throughout the book that it was going to somehow parallel the story of Esther in the Christian bible. However, this book was completely opposite of my assumption and I think I liked it more for this reason. It was an incredibly easy read and took me about a day to finish. The chapters are a little long winded, but they are jammed packed with a fast-paced story line. I found myself sympathizing and relating with the characters in this book. I think it would be a great read for students, especially if you are covering different religions or new age culture. I thought the main character, Kirby, was a strong character that girls could look up to and relate to, and Daniel was a strong male character guys could relate to. I also feel as if this book could be read by both genders and receive the same amount of appreciation. I cannot find anything negative to say about this book, I absolutely loved it!
Subjects, Themes, and Big Ideas:
Coming of Age
Religion
Mental Abuse
Self-worth
Self-Identification
Survival
Importance of staying true to who you are
Characters:
Kirby Greenland/Esther Pilgrim- a bright 14 year old girl who has been taking care of her mother since she can remember. Her world is flipped upside down when her mother leaves her to stay with her uncle and aunt who change her name to Esther. She is forced to conform to new ways of thinking and believing. She struggles to know who she really is.
Caleb Pilgrim- Kirby’s uncle who is the head of the household and main disciplinarian
Daniel Pilgrim- the oldest of the Pilgrim children and Kirby’s confidant who is struggling with the decision to leave his family and pursue his career.
Magdalene “Maggie” Pilgrim- the youngest of the Pilgrim children, she is very close to Kirby and the main reason Kirby puts up with her uncle’s strict ways.
Mrs. Fletcher- Kirby’s guidance counselor and main supporter throughout her adjustments to a new way of life.
Miriam Pilgrim- the second oldest of the Pilgrim children who is “dead” to the family and their religion.
Plot summary:
Kirby Greenland is perfectly happy with the life she is living. Sure she could probably think of better things to do, than follow after her mother and making sure she pays bills and does laundry, but all in all she’s happy. Kirby’s life is turned upside down when her mother tells her that she is going to live with her uncle while she goes to Africa as a nurse. Kirby is forced to leave her happy-go-lucky lifestyle and adapt to her Uncle Caleb’s strict religious rules. He immediately changes her name to Esther Pilgrim (because everyone under the “rule” must have a biblical name) and forced to wear clothing that covers all of her skin and her hair in a braid. She is now considered a daughter of “The Children of the Faith”, a very strict Christian cult. Whenever Esther doesn’t follow the “rule” or its teaching, she is placed in a solitary room and forced to learn bible verses, or be prayed over for hours until repents. Her uncle refuses to give her information about her mother’s whereabouts or read letters she has sent to him. Daniel helps Esther anyway he can, by giving her letters from her mother his father has kept from her, and giving her simple advise to be able to cope with this change. During a heated debate, Daniel and Esther are forced out of the rule and are “dead” to “The Children of the Faith” therefore banished from the society they knew and are dead to the younger children whom they are close to. Even though Kirby is excited to be out of the confined rules, she finds herself struggling with her identity. Is she Kirby Greenland or Esther Pilgrim? She is able to come to the conclusion that she is really Kirby Greenland after making amends with her mother and seeing a television special of “The Children of the Faith” moving farther away from society and the wickedness of the world. This movement provides Kirby with closer and her rebirth.
Strengths (including reviews and awards):
New Zealand Post Children’s Book Awards—1999 Honour Award
Premier New Zealand Bestseller—Silver Award
“A gripping psychological survival story that will quickly get and firmly keep readers invested”—The Horn Book
A Bank Street Best Book of the Year
Drawbacks or other cautions:
Language
Mental Abuse
Religious issues
Teaching ideas:
*Give the students a Problematic Situation: What would you do if your mother and father left you to live with a relative that you never met and gave you a different name (identity) without you having any say in the matter?
*Anticipation Guide that would ask students hypothetical questions about different situations in the book
*Debate about what would consider a cult. Are they all bad or good?
While reading the book
*Journal about their opinions about different chapters, or main events that happen throughout the novel
*Class discussion about the “The Children of the Faith” beliefs and how they effect the actions and lifestyles of the Pilgrim children and how it differs from their own lifestyle.
Post Reading
* Unsent Letter to any of the characters in the novel with their advise or thoughts how the character handled themselves in the novel.
* Character flow chart that highlights their appearance, personality, views from others, strengths and weaknesses (this might be later used as a outline for a character analysis writing assignment)
* Debate whether Daniel or Kirby should have stayed or left the “rule”
*Budding Filmmaker—making sure the students create a cast, choose scenes, and soundtrack
*Culture activity- have students brainstorm about religions they know of that are similar to “The Children of Faith”.
Author: Fleur Beale
Publisher: Hyperion Paperback Year: 1998
# of pages: 250 Genre: Fiction
Reading level Interest level: 10th-11th graders
Potential hot lava: Language, religious ideas (cults)
General response/reaction: I chose this book because the synopsis sounded amazing and immediately caught my attention. I assumed with the title “I Am Not Esther” and having a religious theme throughout the book that it was going to somehow parallel the story of Esther in the Christian bible. However, this book was completely opposite of my assumption and I think I liked it more for this reason. It was an incredibly easy read and took me about a day to finish. The chapters are a little long winded, but they are jammed packed with a fast-paced story line. I found myself sympathizing and relating with the characters in this book. I think it would be a great read for students, especially if you are covering different religions or new age culture. I thought the main character, Kirby, was a strong character that girls could look up to and relate to, and Daniel was a strong male character guys could relate to. I also feel as if this book could be read by both genders and receive the same amount of appreciation. I cannot find anything negative to say about this book, I absolutely loved it!
Subjects, Themes, and Big Ideas:
Coming of Age
Religion
Mental Abuse
Self-worth
Self-Identification
Survival
Importance of staying true to who you are
Characters:
Kirby Greenland/Esther Pilgrim- a bright 14 year old girl who has been taking care of her mother since she can remember. Her world is flipped upside down when her mother leaves her to stay with her uncle and aunt who change her name to Esther. She is forced to conform to new ways of thinking and believing. She struggles to know who she really is.
Caleb Pilgrim- Kirby’s uncle who is the head of the household and main disciplinarian
Daniel Pilgrim- the oldest of the Pilgrim children and Kirby’s confidant who is struggling with the decision to leave his family and pursue his career.
Magdalene “Maggie” Pilgrim- the youngest of the Pilgrim children, she is very close to Kirby and the main reason Kirby puts up with her uncle’s strict ways.
Mrs. Fletcher- Kirby’s guidance counselor and main supporter throughout her adjustments to a new way of life.
Miriam Pilgrim- the second oldest of the Pilgrim children who is “dead” to the family and their religion.
Plot summary:
Kirby Greenland is perfectly happy with the life she is living. Sure she could probably think of better things to do, than follow after her mother and making sure she pays bills and does laundry, but all in all she’s happy. Kirby’s life is turned upside down when her mother tells her that she is going to live with her uncle while she goes to Africa as a nurse. Kirby is forced to leave her happy-go-lucky lifestyle and adapt to her Uncle Caleb’s strict religious rules. He immediately changes her name to Esther Pilgrim (because everyone under the “rule” must have a biblical name) and forced to wear clothing that covers all of her skin and her hair in a braid. She is now considered a daughter of “The Children of the Faith”, a very strict Christian cult. Whenever Esther doesn’t follow the “rule” or its teaching, she is placed in a solitary room and forced to learn bible verses, or be prayed over for hours until repents. Her uncle refuses to give her information about her mother’s whereabouts or read letters she has sent to him. Daniel helps Esther anyway he can, by giving her letters from her mother his father has kept from her, and giving her simple advise to be able to cope with this change. During a heated debate, Daniel and Esther are forced out of the rule and are “dead” to “The Children of the Faith” therefore banished from the society they knew and are dead to the younger children whom they are close to. Even though Kirby is excited to be out of the confined rules, she finds herself struggling with her identity. Is she Kirby Greenland or Esther Pilgrim? She is able to come to the conclusion that she is really Kirby Greenland after making amends with her mother and seeing a television special of “The Children of the Faith” moving farther away from society and the wickedness of the world. This movement provides Kirby with closer and her rebirth.
Strengths (including reviews and awards):
New Zealand Post Children’s Book Awards—1999 Honour Award
Premier New Zealand Bestseller—Silver Award
“A gripping psychological survival story that will quickly get and firmly keep readers invested”—The Horn Book
A Bank Street Best Book of the Year
Drawbacks or other cautions:
Language
Mental Abuse
Religious issues
Teaching ideas:
*Give the students a Problematic Situation: What would you do if your mother and father left you to live with a relative that you never met and gave you a different name (identity) without you having any say in the matter?
*Anticipation Guide that would ask students hypothetical questions about different situations in the book
*Debate about what would consider a cult. Are they all bad or good?
While reading the book
*Journal about their opinions about different chapters, or main events that happen throughout the novel
*Class discussion about the “The Children of the Faith” beliefs and how they effect the actions and lifestyles of the Pilgrim children and how it differs from their own lifestyle.
Post Reading
* Unsent Letter to any of the characters in the novel with their advise or thoughts how the character handled themselves in the novel.
* Character flow chart that highlights their appearance, personality, views from others, strengths and weaknesses (this might be later used as a outline for a character analysis writing assignment)
* Debate whether Daniel or Kirby should have stayed or left the “rule”
*Budding Filmmaker—making sure the students create a cast, choose scenes, and soundtrack
*Culture activity- have students brainstorm about religions they know of that are similar to “The Children of Faith”.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 31, 2021
Just as good as when I read it 20ish years ago!
September 10, 2024
A new audio edition popped up while I was browsing Libby so had a little nostalgic re-read of this English teacher fave. It’s still good.
June 8, 2023
Great book . A delve into people trying to control people and the life after .
July 16, 2012
What would you do if your mom packed her stuff and went away to Africa, leaving you with family you've never once met? What if they don't have anything to do with the real world, and all they do is worship God?
Kirby can't watch TV, go online, read books or have anything to do with modern life. Her life must revolve around God and God only. It's a horrible lifestyle she lives. And her name is now Esther.
The plot line was fantastic and I have actually had a chance to meet this author who was lovely. The inspiration behind this book is one of Fleur Beale's former students from her teaching days. He got kicked out of his house when he was found smuggling a TV in his room, desperate for something real in his life.
My only complaints: the whole religion. It confused me and it saddened me. Uncle Caleb was a real downer on life, and couldn't care less that his wife was dying. I also hated how she went on in life dealing with it, not being able to do anything. I would've gone to someone, tried to find my mum and get some desperate help.
Kirby can't watch TV, go online, read books or have anything to do with modern life. Her life must revolve around God and God only. It's a horrible lifestyle she lives. And her name is now Esther.
The plot line was fantastic and I have actually had a chance to meet this author who was lovely. The inspiration behind this book is one of Fleur Beale's former students from her teaching days. He got kicked out of his house when he was found smuggling a TV in his room, desperate for something real in his life.
My only complaints: the whole religion. It confused me and it saddened me. Uncle Caleb was a real downer on life, and couldn't care less that his wife was dying. I also hated how she went on in life dealing with it, not being able to do anything. I would've gone to someone, tried to find my mum and get some desperate help.
February 28, 2020
I Am Not Esther is a book about a girl called Kirby. One day her mother says she is going away and leaves Kirby with relatives she never even knew existed. Her relatives are part of a strict religious cult with many rules. Oh, and this book is set in New Zealand!!!
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March 14, 2016I am Not Esther, by Fleur Beale, is a sad yet inspiring book about a 14 year old girl, Kirby Greenland, whose life changes, after her mother gets a job helping refugees in Africa, and leaves her with these strange relatives she has never met before. Not only do these people have a different lifestyle to her, but she is also expected to live by their ways. These relatives belong to a religious sect called The Children Of The Faith. They have no televisions, radios or phones. They have virtually no contact with the outside world. Kirby is expected to wear long clothes, do grueling chores all day and become a faithful member. But she can't. As she stays there longer and longer, she realizes she must get out. With some help of a cheery guidance counselor and her cousin, she realizes, her mother might have a few more secrets than she thought I would recommend this book for ages 12- 14 and also to people who like a strong sense of mystery and adventure.
July 25, 2024
It was ok but strange
Read for school
Good ending that encouraged me to read the next book
Read for school
Good ending that encouraged me to read the next book
June 18, 2023
4 stars.
Based in New Zealand, this story of a Cult is intriguing. I'm fascinated by Cult books. This is book 1 of a series and can't wait to read the next 2. I noticed that book 2 and 3 are stories from 2 of the other children of the Cult.
I can see why this is a New Zealand Classic. Such an interesting and gripping storyline.
Based in New Zealand, this story of a Cult is intriguing. I'm fascinated by Cult books. This is book 1 of a series and can't wait to read the next 2. I noticed that book 2 and 3 are stories from 2 of the other children of the Cult.
I can see why this is a New Zealand Classic. Such an interesting and gripping storyline.
July 23, 2013
I am not Esther is an amazing novel about a girl Kirby whose mother suddenly tells her she is going away to live in Africa and that she is being sent to live with her uncle and his family. Her mother hasn't talked about her family in a long time and Kirby is very upset and shocked by her mothers actions. Kirby's life changes dramatically when she is sent away and she is forced to change her clothes to long skirts, her hair needs to be tied up in one long plait and her life is all about god, reading the bible and making prayers. She is even forced to change her name to something more religious, Kirby is named Esther and she is completely against the new name and identity hence the title "I am not Esther."
A key aspect of the novel that angered me was the christian cult. The people that live in the area are all religious and their lives revolve around god. Kirby hates this new life and because of this she is punished by having to learn the bible and pray for every single mistake she does. Any individual who denies the life of god and prayer is sent away and looked down upon. This is what happened to Esther's cousin Miriam and it has destroyed the family, however she is never spoken of. I think it is horrible the way these people are not allowed to paint or be a doctor because it is considered 'ungodly.'
This novel covers the category "book written by a New Zealander" I think this a good category to have on the board because it encourages us to read novels by local authors. Because the novel is set in NZ i was able to identify a few of the places mentioned and it was easier to relate to the novel because of this.
A character i found interesting in this story was Daniel, Kirby's cousin. This was pretty surprising for me because my favourite character would usually be the main character. However i thought Daniel was an ambitious character who was very confident and fought for what he wanted, which was to be a doctor. Daniel was extremely brave because he knew the consequences of denying the religious world but he did anyway. He didn't want to live a life that was planned out for him. He is a great role model for others in encouraging us to strive for what we want.
My favourite quote in this novel is " I am not Esther." This was a significant quote in the novel as it is the title but also because it basically summed up Kirby's life. She is forced to do many things she would never usually do and she is taken over by a new identity. Despite this she knew who she really was and that person was not Esther.
I would recommend this novel to anyone looking for a good read as it is definitely a deep, well thought out novel that hooks you in right from the start.
A key aspect of the novel that angered me was the christian cult. The people that live in the area are all religious and their lives revolve around god. Kirby hates this new life and because of this she is punished by having to learn the bible and pray for every single mistake she does. Any individual who denies the life of god and prayer is sent away and looked down upon. This is what happened to Esther's cousin Miriam and it has destroyed the family, however she is never spoken of. I think it is horrible the way these people are not allowed to paint or be a doctor because it is considered 'ungodly.'
This novel covers the category "book written by a New Zealander" I think this a good category to have on the board because it encourages us to read novels by local authors. Because the novel is set in NZ i was able to identify a few of the places mentioned and it was easier to relate to the novel because of this.
A character i found interesting in this story was Daniel, Kirby's cousin. This was pretty surprising for me because my favourite character would usually be the main character. However i thought Daniel was an ambitious character who was very confident and fought for what he wanted, which was to be a doctor. Daniel was extremely brave because he knew the consequences of denying the religious world but he did anyway. He didn't want to live a life that was planned out for him. He is a great role model for others in encouraging us to strive for what we want.
My favourite quote in this novel is " I am not Esther." This was a significant quote in the novel as it is the title but also because it basically summed up Kirby's life. She is forced to do many things she would never usually do and she is taken over by a new identity. Despite this she knew who she really was and that person was not Esther.
I would recommend this novel to anyone looking for a good read as it is definitely a deep, well thought out novel that hooks you in right from the start.
November 20, 2013
How I Discovered or Acquired This Book: Came across it in an old, hard-to-find second hand bookshop in Onehunga, Auckland, New Zealand.
When & Where Read: November 2013 at home.
Noteworthy Experiences While Reading This Book: Even though Kirby knew it was all wrong and frequently stated this, I sometimes found myself identifying with The Rule and The Children of Faith.
Check Out Author’s Other Books or Related Books? Yes.
Quality of Writing: 9/10
Pace: 8/10
Plot Development: 8/10
Characters: 9/10
Enjoyability: 8/10
Insightfulness: 10/10
Ease of Reading: 9/10
Recommend This Book? Yes. To Whom? Everyone who isn’t religious, and religious people who aren’t easily offended and would like to read an outsider’s point of view about religion.
Notes and Opinions: “There’s nothing like walking in somebody else’s shoes to understand what makes them tick.” Ellen Greenland – or Martha Pilgrim – says this to her daughter towards the end of the book. For weeks or months (I’m not clear on how long she was there for), Kirby Greenland has had to endure seemingly endless praying, and having to be “seemly” and “Godly”. After her mother abandoned her for Africa, Kirby must live with her strict Uncle Caleb and his family. Worse, they’re not just strict – they’re religious. Kirby has never been religious in her life. And the absolute worst part? They change her name. She becomes Esther Pilgrim, a Godly, seemly woman who isn’t allowed any real ambitions of opinions of her own. If she has them, then it’s straight to the Discipline Room for her.
It was definitely an interesting and powerful read. It was good to get a glimpse of life trapped in a religious cult. The don’t ask, don’t tell policy is very much enforced, and Kirby isn’t the only one who is miserable living that way of life. The horrors that go on inside such a supposedly good religion/cult is fascinating. A lot of the messages in this book could translate over to the way we view other culture’s, and even our own culture.
Overall Rating: 5 STARS!!!
When & Where Read: November 2013 at home.
Noteworthy Experiences While Reading This Book: Even though Kirby knew it was all wrong and frequently stated this, I sometimes found myself identifying with The Rule and The Children of Faith.
Check Out Author’s Other Books or Related Books? Yes.
Quality of Writing: 9/10
Pace: 8/10
Plot Development: 8/10
Characters: 9/10
Enjoyability: 8/10
Insightfulness: 10/10
Ease of Reading: 9/10
Recommend This Book? Yes. To Whom? Everyone who isn’t religious, and religious people who aren’t easily offended and would like to read an outsider’s point of view about religion.
Notes and Opinions: “There’s nothing like walking in somebody else’s shoes to understand what makes them tick.” Ellen Greenland – or Martha Pilgrim – says this to her daughter towards the end of the book. For weeks or months (I’m not clear on how long she was there for), Kirby Greenland has had to endure seemingly endless praying, and having to be “seemly” and “Godly”. After her mother abandoned her for Africa, Kirby must live with her strict Uncle Caleb and his family. Worse, they’re not just strict – they’re religious. Kirby has never been religious in her life. And the absolute worst part? They change her name. She becomes Esther Pilgrim, a Godly, seemly woman who isn’t allowed any real ambitions of opinions of her own. If she has them, then it’s straight to the Discipline Room for her.
It was definitely an interesting and powerful read. It was good to get a glimpse of life trapped in a religious cult. The don’t ask, don’t tell policy is very much enforced, and Kirby isn’t the only one who is miserable living that way of life. The horrors that go on inside such a supposedly good religion/cult is fascinating. A lot of the messages in this book could translate over to the way we view other culture’s, and even our own culture.
Overall Rating: 5 STARS!!!
January 27, 2012
A fascinating story about a girl and her experiences in a cult - lots of tension
May 31, 2017
I Am Not Ester Book Review
The book I am not Esther, written by Fleur Beale, is a book about a girl changing, changing religion and person. The title I am not Esther is from Kirby’s Catchphrase “I am not Esther”. i would recommended this to book the age of 12 and over, it action packed and shows a different point of you that you are probably not used to !
When fourteen-year-old Kirby Greenland’s Mother (Ellen Greenland) leaves her own daughter in the hands of her relatives while Ellen supposedly goes to help refugees for 2 years, who are strangers to Kirby. Kirby’s new guardians and their six children belong to a religious sect named the “Children of our faith”. This way of life is unheard of, no television, newspapers, no Wi-Fi, no radio and no mirrors! She is forced to leave her old life behind, and start a new religious one, where she is now Esther, she prays every day, no wearing short skirts, wears sandals and is alone, with no friends. Life carries on, she meets her family and begins a loving relationship with her younger “sister”, Magdalene.
Esther receives a day or two in a room locked away, memorising sections in the bible, for not obeying the way of this culture/religion. Kirby and Daniel are thrown out of the sect at the end of the book because he reveals his wish to be a doctor, and move in with Kirby’s brother (that she did not know of) and their teacher. After weeks of tracking, they find her mum, who has been lying and is in a psychiatric hospital. In the end, the family is brought back together, and i will let you read the rest of the spoilers!
The book I am not Esther, written by Fleur Beale, is a book about a girl changing, changing religion and person. The title I am not Esther is from Kirby’s Catchphrase “I am not Esther”. i would recommended this to book the age of 12 and over, it action packed and shows a different point of you that you are probably not used to !
When fourteen-year-old Kirby Greenland’s Mother (Ellen Greenland) leaves her own daughter in the hands of her relatives while Ellen supposedly goes to help refugees for 2 years, who are strangers to Kirby. Kirby’s new guardians and their six children belong to a religious sect named the “Children of our faith”. This way of life is unheard of, no television, newspapers, no Wi-Fi, no radio and no mirrors! She is forced to leave her old life behind, and start a new religious one, where she is now Esther, she prays every day, no wearing short skirts, wears sandals and is alone, with no friends. Life carries on, she meets her family and begins a loving relationship with her younger “sister”, Magdalene.
Esther receives a day or two in a room locked away, memorising sections in the bible, for not obeying the way of this culture/religion. Kirby and Daniel are thrown out of the sect at the end of the book because he reveals his wish to be a doctor, and move in with Kirby’s brother (that she did not know of) and their teacher. After weeks of tracking, they find her mum, who has been lying and is in a psychiatric hospital. In the end, the family is brought back together, and i will let you read the rest of the spoilers!
July 10, 2023
Growing up living near a religious cult much like this one and seeing them in town and on tv hearing of their extreme views on life, this was a very gripping and interesting read.
August 18, 2024
Scarily, this could (still) be the plot of a new release book.
July 24, 2024
2.5 ⭐️ had to read it for english, it was alright but very strange and creepy… the end was lowkey crazy though
May 8, 2023
It ended a little too fast but she ain't half bad. that mum's got serious problems. if ellen greenland was my mum she would catch these hands on god.
June 18, 2017
2.5 Stars
Kirkby is sent to live with maternal family when her mother decides to do aid work in Africa. Kirby had never known her family by this time and as well as the shock of being sent to live with strangers she is also confronted with needing to assimilate into a cult like fundamentalist religion. Among other changes Kirby's name is changed to the more Godly 'Esther', with Kirby's statement 'I am not Esther' being oft repeated throughout the novel and reflective of Kirby's refusal to accept her new lot in life.
The plot sounds intriguing but doesn't live up to its potential. The main failing, in my opinion, is that for such a plot to work there needs to be sensitive attention to characterisation and this just doesn't happen. Some characters are caricatures rather than characterised. This includes Kirby whose constant rants and railings against the religion don't seem to serve any purpose than to hit the reader over the head with Cults. Are. Bad. I think it is interesting tha in her attempt to draw a picture of an intolerant and judgmental religion that the author has drawn Kirby to be the same way. Kirby is an unsympathetic characters that it is difficult to feel empathy for. Whilst making choices I don't agree with, I don't think Uncle Caleb is a bad man but I don't think the author had any interest in showing the shades of gray people have.
This book has a lot of startling similarities to 'People Might Hear You' by Robin Klein. I'm not sure which novel was published first but Klein did it much much better. If you are contemplating reading 'I am not Esther' I suggest skipping it and read 'People Might Hear You' instead. It is a higher quality novel, with sympathetic characters who are finely drawn. That novel is a far more satisfying read in all ways.
Kirkby is sent to live with maternal family when her mother decides to do aid work in Africa. Kirby had never known her family by this time and as well as the shock of being sent to live with strangers she is also confronted with needing to assimilate into a cult like fundamentalist religion. Among other changes Kirby's name is changed to the more Godly 'Esther', with Kirby's statement 'I am not Esther' being oft repeated throughout the novel and reflective of Kirby's refusal to accept her new lot in life.
The plot sounds intriguing but doesn't live up to its potential. The main failing, in my opinion, is that for such a plot to work there needs to be sensitive attention to characterisation and this just doesn't happen. Some characters are caricatures rather than characterised. This includes Kirby whose constant rants and railings against the religion don't seem to serve any purpose than to hit the reader over the head with Cults. Are. Bad. I think it is interesting tha in her attempt to draw a picture of an intolerant and judgmental religion that the author has drawn Kirby to be the same way. Kirby is an unsympathetic characters that it is difficult to feel empathy for. Whilst making choices I don't agree with, I don't think Uncle Caleb is a bad man but I don't think the author had any interest in showing the shades of gray people have.
This book has a lot of startling similarities to 'People Might Hear You' by Robin Klein. I'm not sure which novel was published first but Klein did it much much better. If you are contemplating reading 'I am not Esther' I suggest skipping it and read 'People Might Hear You' instead. It is a higher quality novel, with sympathetic characters who are finely drawn. That novel is a far more satisfying read in all ways.
July 15, 2025
A brilliant young adult novel about a 14 year old girl being put into a fundamentalist Christian society.
The novel touches on lots of conflicting emotions as Kirby (renamed Esther - it's biblical, as is their way) struggles with thoughts of leaving the group, even though she knows she will be ostracised and must leave a family she has come to love.
I am very happy that I read it, and I feel that I learned something from it.
The novel touches on lots of conflicting emotions as Kirby (renamed Esther - it's biblical, as is their way) struggles with thoughts of leaving the group, even though she knows she will be ostracised and must leave a family she has come to love.
I am very happy that I read it, and I feel that I learned something from it.
May 10, 2016
Wow, this book was great. It was hard to read because of the content and thinking about this actually happens in the "real world". I thought the characters and plot were both written very well. I read this book a long time ago in high school and had no idea that it had two other books. Now I want to read them.
March 8, 2019
Personal Response: I am not Esther, by Fleur Beale, is an amazing book with many hidden secrets and events that leave the reader in suspense. The book’s easy, yet intriguing read is what makes the reader want to learn more.
Plot Summary: Kirby Greenland is a teenage girl experiencing a new way to look at life while living with her recently known family she didn’t know she had. Kirby, known in her new biblical home as Esther, has to find out why her mother has abandoned her and how she can escape her crazy relatives. After learning her family’s new culture, Kirby makes attempts to find her mother. Mrs. Fletcher, the school guidance counselor, helps Kirby by trying to find the organization she works for in Africa. After many attempts of trying to find the organization, Kirby and Mrs. Fletcher come to the conclusion her mother is in hiding. Kirby and her cousin, Daniel, are soon shunned by their family because Daniel wants to go to college, which is forbidden by their religion. Kirby finds out she has an older brother born when her mother was sixteen. Her newly known brother and herself find their mother. Their mother was not in Africa because she was in a psychiatric facility. She was diagnosed with severe depression. After her mother told Kirby about her tragic life and started feeling better, they moved back into their old home and left off where they started.
Characterization: Kirby Greenland is a teenage girl who is stuck between two realities after her mother abandons her. Later, she unites with her mother and becomes her true self once again.
Daniel Pilgrim is a boy from a very religious family. After his mom almost dies, he decides to become a doctor to help people. He is later shunned from ever seeing his family again, but his life is later improved from the fact.
Ellen Greenland always runs from her problems and even abandoned her two children. After realizing she is worth more to herself, she becomes better than when she started.
Setting: I am not Esther, by Fleur Beale, takes place in Wellington, New Zealand. This relates to the book by the expression of culture because there is many different cultures and religions in the world. New Zealand is a primarily Atheistic country, so it would be normal for the characters to be familiarized with the culture of the Pilgrim family.
Thematic Connection: The theme of the book is facing reality because Kirby and her mother always ran from their problems until they learned to face reality and forget all the bad actions that took place.
Recommendation: I am not Esther, by Fleur Beale, is an amazing book with many hidden secrets and events that leave the reader in suspense. The book is an easier read, but I feel women would enjoy the book more because it is in the perspective of a teenage girl. Although, the curiosity will intrigue both men and women.
Plot Summary: Kirby Greenland is a teenage girl experiencing a new way to look at life while living with her recently known family she didn’t know she had. Kirby, known in her new biblical home as Esther, has to find out why her mother has abandoned her and how she can escape her crazy relatives. After learning her family’s new culture, Kirby makes attempts to find her mother. Mrs. Fletcher, the school guidance counselor, helps Kirby by trying to find the organization she works for in Africa. After many attempts of trying to find the organization, Kirby and Mrs. Fletcher come to the conclusion her mother is in hiding. Kirby and her cousin, Daniel, are soon shunned by their family because Daniel wants to go to college, which is forbidden by their religion. Kirby finds out she has an older brother born when her mother was sixteen. Her newly known brother and herself find their mother. Their mother was not in Africa because she was in a psychiatric facility. She was diagnosed with severe depression. After her mother told Kirby about her tragic life and started feeling better, they moved back into their old home and left off where they started.
Characterization: Kirby Greenland is a teenage girl who is stuck between two realities after her mother abandons her. Later, she unites with her mother and becomes her true self once again.
Daniel Pilgrim is a boy from a very religious family. After his mom almost dies, he decides to become a doctor to help people. He is later shunned from ever seeing his family again, but his life is later improved from the fact.
Ellen Greenland always runs from her problems and even abandoned her two children. After realizing she is worth more to herself, she becomes better than when she started.
Setting: I am not Esther, by Fleur Beale, takes place in Wellington, New Zealand. This relates to the book by the expression of culture because there is many different cultures and religions in the world. New Zealand is a primarily Atheistic country, so it would be normal for the characters to be familiarized with the culture of the Pilgrim family.
Thematic Connection: The theme of the book is facing reality because Kirby and her mother always ran from their problems until they learned to face reality and forget all the bad actions that took place.
Recommendation: I am not Esther, by Fleur Beale, is an amazing book with many hidden secrets and events that leave the reader in suspense. The book is an easier read, but I feel women would enjoy the book more because it is in the perspective of a teenage girl. Although, the curiosity will intrigue both men and women.
December 23, 2019
Well, what a way to end the year and decade. 2019 Reading Challenge Complete
I read the blurb and I got excited. Ooh, a gripping psychological thriller about a girl who is abandoned by her mother and is forced to live with her "religious" relatives.
But Oh My Goodness was I disappointed. The blurb says "you are forced to follow the severe code of social standards set by the cult". Sounds cutthroat and horrifying but what the protagonist is forced to wear is like a long garment that covers all her body parts or something. As opposed to jeans and a t-shirt. In the household, the family has no television, radio, newspapers, mirrors or time for recreation. This is when I realised this is a YA novel. Geared towards spoiled, hissy teens who have been spoiled way too much and don't understand the meaning of hard work. There are times where I laughed at the absurdity of some paragraphs. It really is flawed. There's a section where the family is making prayers before eating dinner and the protagonist is like (this is paraphrased) "It lasted more than a minute. This was full on and serious" . Like come on, just be grateful and remember your God in times of ease and be grateful for the plate of food in front of you.
Looks like I'm ripping into the book too much, So I'll leave you with a quite remarkable quote from the protagonists' mother near the end after they are reunited.
"Do you remember the day I left ... I don't remember much of it. But I do remember saying I didn't want you to end up like me. Running and running because you were too frightened to stand still"
She reaches for my hand, but I snatched it away
"What is it, Kirby? What are you running from?"
I read the blurb and I got excited. Ooh, a gripping psychological thriller about a girl who is abandoned by her mother and is forced to live with her "religious" relatives.
But Oh My Goodness was I disappointed. The blurb says "you are forced to follow the severe code of social standards set by the cult". Sounds cutthroat and horrifying but what the protagonist is forced to wear is like a long garment that covers all her body parts or something. As opposed to jeans and a t-shirt. In the household, the family has no television, radio, newspapers, mirrors or time for recreation. This is when I realised this is a YA novel. Geared towards spoiled, hissy teens who have been spoiled way too much and don't understand the meaning of hard work. There are times where I laughed at the absurdity of some paragraphs. It really is flawed. There's a section where the family is making prayers before eating dinner and the protagonist is like (this is paraphrased) "It lasted more than a minute. This was full on and serious" . Like come on, just be grateful and remember your God in times of ease and be grateful for the plate of food in front of you.
Looks like I'm ripping into the book too much, So I'll leave you with a quite remarkable quote from the protagonists' mother near the end after they are reunited.
"Do you remember the day I left ... I don't remember much of it. But I do remember saying I didn't want you to end up like me. Running and running because you were too frightened to stand still"
She reaches for my hand, but I snatched it away
"What is it, Kirby? What are you running from?"
May 20, 2017
I LOVED this book. I was really excited to read it, since the theme was something I had never read about before and it had some great reviews. I am very happy to say I was not dissappointed.
The religious themes aren't shoved down your throat, and neither does the story try to put you completely against it. Instead it gently eases you into this almost other world that the characters are living in, and you slowly learn about their day to day and way of life.
The writing was just great. Simple, but descriptive enough to not seem childish. It flowed really nicely and it was a breeze to read. The pacing was also very well done. It's not an action-packed story, but it doesn't slow down enough to bore the reader either. I found it really hard to put the book down.
The characters are amazing. Though you are introduced to most of them in one go, they are all memorable in their own way. I really loved them all, even Uncle Caleb. I also thought that Kirby's inner battles about her feelings towards her mother and her doubts about her identity was really really well done. I just loved everything about this book.
I really recommend giving this a try!
The religious themes aren't shoved down your throat, and neither does the story try to put you completely against it. Instead it gently eases you into this almost other world that the characters are living in, and you slowly learn about their day to day and way of life.
The writing was just great. Simple, but descriptive enough to not seem childish. It flowed really nicely and it was a breeze to read. The pacing was also very well done. It's not an action-packed story, but it doesn't slow down enough to bore the reader either. I found it really hard to put the book down.
The characters are amazing. Though you are introduced to most of them in one go, they are all memorable in their own way. I really loved them all, even Uncle Caleb. I also thought that Kirby's inner battles about her feelings towards her mother and her doubts about her identity was really really well done. I just loved everything about this book.
I really recommend giving this a try!
August 3, 2021
Really enjoyed reading this book! The psychological horror i was promised was nowhere to be found though, and the end fell a bit flat for me but i guess the companion books contain more details. Would recommend!!
August 20, 2021
A fantastic read about a teenage girl who has to go and live with extremely religious members of her family. There was a lot of unfairness and emotion in this book, I couldn't put it down. I recommend to anyone who likes reading about other people's lives.
September 22, 2018
This is a really good quick-read, recommended tweens.
August 1, 2022
i only read for school got better at the end tho
January 3, 2025
Deservedly a New Zealand classic. Far more horrifying than when my year seven teacher read it to our class, and powerful. Had me crying more than once.
October 19, 2021
A classic NZ text about a teenaged girl forced to live with unknown, extended family ... in a kind of enclosed religious 'cult'. Obvious parallels with our own Gloriavale community in NZ, plus similarities with other heavily patriarchal religious communities.
Not totally dismissive of the 'cult', but certainly very questioning, and I can see why it is frequently chosen as a class text.
Not totally dismissive of the 'cult', but certainly very questioning, and I can see why it is frequently chosen as a class text.
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