The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling

by Jeanne Safer

In the first book of its kind, renowned psychotherapist Jeanne Safer examines the hidden trauma of growing up with an emotionally troubled or physically disabled sibling, and helps adult "normal" siblings resolve their childhood pain.

For too long the therapeutic community has focused on the parent-child relationship as the primary relationship in a child's life. In The Normal One, Dr. Safer shows that sisters and brothers are just as important as parents, and she illuminates for the first time the experience of being "the normal one."

Drawing on more than sixty interviews with normal, or intact, siblings, Safer explores the daunting challenges they face, and probes the complex feelings that can strain families and damage lives. A “normal” sibling herself, Safer chronicles her own life-shaping experiences with her troubled brother. She examines the double-edged reality of normal ones: how they both compensate for their siblings’ abnormality and feel guilty for their own health and success. With both wisdom and empathy, she delineates the “Caliban Syndrome,” a set of personality traits characteristic of higher-functioning siblings: premature maturity, compulsion to achieve, survivor guilt, and fear of contagion.
Essential reading for normal ones and those who love them, this landmark work offers readers insight, compassion, and tools to help resolve childhood pain. It is a profound and eye-opening examination of a subject that has too long been shrouded in darkness.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Memoir, Personal Development, Relationships

230 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, is the author of The Golden Condom, Beyond Motherhood, The Normal One, and several other books. Dr. Safer has appeared on The Daily Show and Good Morning America as well as numerous NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the subject of articles in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. She is the host of the I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics podcast.

Reviews

[Laren · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book since it covers a topic not often seen - what it is like for siblings to grow up in a family where one sibling has emotional or medical problems. Unfortunately, early in the book the author admits that she had a very hard time finding subjects to interview, since many of them refused to talk about their experience. Of the few that did, only one had more than one sibling. It seems dream analysis guided much of the author's conclusions, and in more than one place, I felt she was really reaching to come up with something. She also spent an inordinate amount of time sharing a story from literature to defend her naming of the whole experience as the "Caliban". Admittedly, she is also a biased researcher, having her own "damaged" sibling experience growing up.

I would label this "a good start", but ultimately it didn't go anywhere. For example, there are no tips on coping with such a situation - only an analysis of the phases a "normal" sibling would tend to go through. That's not helpful except to say "you aren't alone". This is written primarily to an adult audience, when it is too late to prevent anything. There is nothing helping any parents, siblings, or any other adult to prevent a "Caliban" experience. In other words, the conclusion is just that the situation is to be endured and survived, and to me, that really isn't a solution at all. Now that we know this, what are we going to do about it? It is my hope that someone picks up this research and does something more with it in the future.

[Nita · Rating 5 out of 5]

From my Amazon.com review:

At times, reading this book was so difficult I had to close it for a while. The feelings that it brought up were so intense, raw, and neglected for so long that it was difficult for me to face them. Reading this book has made me realize that in my plight I am not alone, and that there are actionable steps I can take in order to heal myself.

Some key quotations from the text that I, personally, found poignant:

- (Healthy children) "grieve, they feel guilty, and they struggle to compensate by achieving for two."

- "Fixing the unfixable, or saving the irredeemable, is a frequent occurrence in sibling dreams... Dreams in which a sibling no longer has the disability ... gives a brief respite that is both painful and pleasing to recollect."

- (The 'normal' one's) "everyday trials and tribulations pale beside the catastrophe of their sibilings' predicaments, so it seems natural that they should never come first... As a result, many healthy siblings grow up with a hunger for attention that it never satisfied and that seems wrong to feel. Their needs, so consistently ignored, become invisible to themselves."

- "The fallout from being invisible is to become self-effacing; perverse preeminence breeds perfectionism, morbid self-criticism, and fear of failure... Excelling is not an ideal; it is an emotional life preserver."

- "... a nameless anxiety haunts them and makes everything they have seems (sic) tenuous or undeserved... compulsive self-sacrifice driven by the belief that you do not deserve your advantages... At significant moments... it is excruciating to know how much better off you are and always will be."

As difficult as it was to read this book and grapple with all that I had so conveniently ignored for so long, recognizing the common traits of 'normal' siblings is key to becoming whole. Safer outlines those traits to be:

- Premature maturity ("... expected to shoulder ... responsibility ... w/o complaint."
- Survivor guilt ("Every achievement is tainted...")
- Compulsion to achieve ("... must succeed for two...")
- Fear of contagion ("... secret conviction that normality is tenuous or a sham.")

If you are a 'normal' one and are ready to face the issues that come with that head on, check out this book, grab a box of Kleenex, and find a quiet place to hunker down. As Safer writes, "It is no crime for your own life to come first." There is no time like the present to start living it.
Comment Comment |

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author's thesis is that siblings are an overlooked but integral part of our identity. She argues that having a sibling who is "difficult or damaged" generally makes parents go in one of two directions, both of which damage the "normal" child. Option A is to sink all of your energy into the problem child, with the result that the normal child becomes invisible, generally having to mature quickly to help with the damaged child and becoming an overachiever in life as a way of drawing parental attention. Option B is to write off the problem child and turn the normal child into your golden boy or girl, which in turn makes the normal child see that parental love is conditional and can easily be lost if he or she develops any flaws.

While I find that analysis interesting, the book itself really turned me off. I think part of the problem is simply that I have a knee-jerk negative reaction to the author, who admits that she was complicit in relegating her troubled older brother to second-rate status during their childhood. I found it annoying that she spent over 5% of the book on a literary analysis of the Tempest --- even though she uses Caliban as the symbol for the damaged sibling throughout the book, the analysis seemed excessive.

But the real problem, I think, is that the author can't seem to take a step back from her own problematic childhood to look at the issue in context. Yes, it's tough to be the normal sibling, but short of ditching anyone who's slightly abnormal, I don't see any other option than to take on extra responsibilities if someone in your family is troubled. I don't subscribe to the American belief that our own personal fulfillment should be the absolute top priority in our lives if we're hurting other people to make that happen, but I suspect the author of this book does.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Re-reading....again. Tis the season.


This book took me years to read. Yes, I said years. At some points the words were so raw and true that I had to set it aside for a period of time until I felt ready to face it again.

I'm not going to detail my own situation, it isn't necessary to put that down here. I will say that the book is extremely helpful. I was able to say, "that's me!" and "that's ____" and "that's how ____ acts and why!"

A must read for anyone that deals with a member of the family with mental illness or if you have incredibly difficult family drama.

The holidays are here and with that comes lots of tension. This book will help.

I plan to reread sections as they become necessary to review.

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book contains some nuggets of knowledge that can be gleaned from siblings' accounts of their relationships. However, the language in the book is EXTREMELY offensive and totally negates any benefits the book would otherwise provide. Some examples of the offensive language from just a few pages of the book: 'normal siblings' 'intact sibling' referring to siblings without disabilities and 'abnormal relatives' 'retarded brother' 'damaged sibling' 'impossible sibling' 'massively handicapped sister' referring to siblings with disabilities. This kind of language is UNACCEPTABLE, and I am puzzled at how this book can even still be published as "education" on this topic. Readers are much better off reading books like Special Siblings by Mary McHugh or Being the Other One by Kate Strohm, which provide similar content that is actually worth reading.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was excited to read this, but didn't feel like I really grew or learned much from it. The large section (chapters) dedicated to dreams didn't really appeal to me. While it started off strong, and I made several connections with the personal memoir-ish introduction, the book seemed to be more about making a case for the "Caliban Syndrome" (which doesn't seem to have caught on since this phrase was coined) and less about how to heal, grow, learn as a result of living with a troubled or needy sibling. Great concept, some good parts.

[CKR · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting, not depressing (which is what I thought it might be!) I recommend this to everyone no matter WHAT your siblings are like! Somehow, it was reassuring to understand the similarities of growing up with ANY sibling, as well as with a sibling that created more challenging circumstances. It's especially reassuring to know that you're not alone..... There are more similarities than differences for all of us and most of us never talk about the ripple effect of how a difficult sibling changes a family.

[Jim · Rating 1 out of 5]

i stopped reading about page thirty and skimmed the next ten pages. i've recommended this book to several people and now having tried to read it feel as though i should apologize. a great idea for a book, hope someone has written one on the subject

[Denise · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was the worst book ever. This therapist needs a therapist ASAP. Totally offensive. Completely over-the-top whining with very little advice or hope. I feel bad for her parents.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was published 20 years ago, and it shows. There is a lot of use of "r------d" to describe people with mental disabilities, some fatphobic language (listing fatness as one of the ways a sibling is "damaged"), and various other viewpoints and parenting choices that made me think, wow, I'm glad we know better now.
In addition to the outdated language, it is written thoroughly from a psychoanalysis perspective. The author describes her theory of "Caliban syndrome," named after a black slave in Shakespeare's The Tempest, to explain people's loathing feelings toward their difficult siblings. In reality, The Tempest deals with colonialism, racism, and men jockeying for power and influence, so the sibling theory seems a bit of a stretch. There's a lot of dream analysis the author does on behalf of her therapy patients, going so far as to say that in dreams "Nothing –– words, gestures, sequences of events –– is arbitrary." As one who remembers a lot of my dreams, that is not my experience at all. Very often, my brain is just jumbling together a lot of random crap, like it's weeding a garden and throwing a pile of stuff together.

This book just did not land for me. Still, there were several things I wrote down that I'd be interested to explore with a more modern sensibility.

37
Siblings are your first peers, the first mirror that reflects an image your own size. Their impact does not cease when you leave home. As any adult who attends a family function can attest, the old hierarchy, with its familiar but inextricable rules has a dismaying way of reasserting itself. No future tie is exempt from their influence; relations with them are the prototype for friendships, romances, and professional connections, with coworkers, rivals, and collaborators for the rest of your life. Ultimately, they are the only surviving witnesses to your intimate history. Nobody else will remember your childhood.

59 (ok to admit your frustrations with the intense person)
Labeling and accepting taboo emotions defangs them.

64
The inner world of normal siblings brims with secrets, hidden from themselves as much as from others. All their lives they seek a sanctuary untouched by the other’s plight, a door they can close without guilt. Everybody tells them they are the lucky ones; what right have they to complain? Their lonely sorrow is as intolerable as their sadism. Fulfilling such stringent expectations of being good, responsible, and trouble-free is a full-time job that leaves little time for a living.

70
Home life is a series of little murders of privacy, pleasure, peace of mind.

72
Defending a damaged sibling from the scorn of strangers expresses compassion, while simultaneously assuaging guilt for secretly sharing their prejudices.

73-74
Pity and outrage intermingle, and anger implodes, when the perpetrator is also a victim. […] “That he was both sick and vicious made it extremely confusing.”

You know their frustrated anguish will cause an eruption, but you never know what will provoke it or when. Most parents handle this situation abysmally, permitting the abnormal child to become a tyrant and demanding forbearance from the more rational one.
“There was always an excuse for her outbursts, and I had to dance around them. She used up the family quota on scenes.“
Anxiety hangs over the dinner table, follows you into the car on outings, and punctuates weekend; there are no respites.

75
Self-indulgence and disregard [from the damaged sibling] erode sympathy when the acting out never stops.

83
The purpose of dreams is to expose the unacknowledged dimensions of experience.

93 (ch 7)
Normal child becomes either invisible or perversely preeminent

95
There are several ways to make a normal child disappear: by focusing exclusively on the problem child, by permitting the problem child to violate the other child’s rights, by assigning the normal one excessive responsibility, and by failing to acknowledge doing any of these things.

103
Having to be happy all the time because the sibling is always wretched as hard work.…[ceaselessly cultivating good moods, and forcing himself never to react negatively] had the paradoxical effect of causing him to feel disconnected from all his emotions and intensely anxious lest a negative one slip past his early warning system. Enforced, artificial positive thinking made him intensely miserable.

105
The sibling of the child with special needs is not supposed to have any needs.

122
Feeling guilt at the relief you get when the difficult one moves away/goes away

125
People always try to make different mistakes than their parents, and they always fail.

136
Self knowledge gives you a huge advantage. Question your own agenda, inquire into your own motivation, and do not expect your children to fix your past. Above all, listen to your children, and be aware of the universal tendency to fit them into molds and roles that meet your needs rather than theirs. Think about the impact your sibling has on you and how your parents dealt with each of you, including hidden dimensions; pay special attention to what you do not want to know. The deeper your knowledge of your own past relationships with Caliban, as the secret repository of your hopes and fears, the less you and future generations will be condemned to repeat them.

139
“Who will take care of my brother when my parents are dead?“ is the question, literal, or metaphoric, that haunts every normal sibling.

142
Three issues normal siblings face: “First it’s making friends and bringing them home, then it’s romance, and then it’s aging parents. I feel like a statistic—my course is plotted till I’m 60!“ the course, Sandy claustrophobically foresees leaves no room for her own wishes; she already stifles them, ostensibly to avoid Michael’s jealousy. “My parents won’t consider an institution, and they don’t plan for the future,“ she told me. “My mother constantly asks me to reassure her—‘you’ll take care of him, won’t you?’ It’s definitely expected. I’m forced to accept their agenda, or I’d be letting everyone down.“

160 (Four things common for normal siblings)
Premature maturity
“Normal children grow up too fast. They are expected to shoulder too much responsibility for their siblings and themselves without complaint.”

Survivor guilt
Normal children are tormented by being (as well as relieved to be) forever better off than their siblings. They never feel fully entitled to happiness or power.

Compulsion to achieve
“Normal children must succeed for two, both to compensate their parents for having a child, who cannot fulfill their dreams, and to prove their own superiority, and worthiness to themselves…”

Fear of contagion
“Dread of magically catching the disability plagues normal siblings.“

180
Author says of her own brother “I was deprived of a precious bond that sustains other siblings and enriches their lives.”

184
One woman says, “My brother’s situation gives me an underlying sense of sadness…What is it all for? Why are people born to live in this prison? He’s had such a lonely, misunderstood life…”

186
Sober appreciation of what you have gained at so great a cost helps you feel consoled and proud. This recognition differs from the saccharine and self-obliterating exhortation to “count your blessings” forced on many normal ones in childhood, because it is based on having enumerated your curses first.

[Lizzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

What becomes of the normal one? Sometimes they're ignored or neglected. Some parents have unreasonable expectations of them. They expect them to include a troubled sibling in everything, or to cheerfully take care of a damaged sibling, or to go into a career working with such people, or to be perfect, or to be a success in a way that will make up for the messed up one. I just read it out of curiosity but it turned out to have a lot of resonance for me because I saw my mother in it.
Her sister was probably retarded and her brother was an alcoholic who couldn't keep a job and was eventually murdered on LA's Skid Row. She was the one who finished college and went on to a good job as a teacher. When I was young she was always saying things to me like "How could you do that [minor disobedient thing]? When I was your age I was always trying to find ways to make my mother happy." At the time I (mentally) rolled my eyes, but I've come to feel she was telling the truth. She had to be good and she had to succeed. She couldn’t have crises or problems in her life – that was Florence and Tom’s department. That meant she treated my problems lightly, which made me furious. It made me feel for her in a way I hadn't before, though I knew all these facts. I didn't understand their emotional toll.

[Bonnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a so-called "normal one" to a sibling with developmental disabilities, I was really excited to finally read something that I could relate to. Unfortunately though, while there were a lot of points that certainly hit home, there were plenty that just didn't. Yes, I do feel that all the key elements of Caliban syndrome, a Safer-coined term absolutely relates to my personal experience with my brother, but I do feel that for a rather short book, this was quite a tough read that dragged quite a bit.

[Lise · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a parent, this was not as helpful/insightful as I'd hoped. It did offer several points that I'll keep in my mind, but it came across as pretty harsh on parents in general. The writing itself was a bit scattered - an inordinate amount of time (11 pages) was spent discussing the plot of Shakespeare's "The Tempest," when a one-paragraph synopsis would have sufficed. That (among other things) just added to the overall feeling of disjointedness.

[Liz Kelley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this when I was very young. I have a brother with Down Syndrome and I felt extremely offended while reading this book. I am not sure I would feel differently if I re-read it 10 years later.

[Maria Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

You don’t hear much about damaged sibling relationships exacerbated by faulty family dynamics and unrealistic expectations on the part of clueless parents. If you are one of the many people who are not close to a sibling due to that sibling being damaged or difficult, you live a secret life of shame perhaps even guilt along with a potential host of toxic emotions that will not disappear even if you sever ties and physically distance yourself from your family of origin.

Holidays are an especially stressful time, filled with anxiety provoking thoughts that serve to dampen the severe societal expectations around living a Norman Rockwell existence. You may stare longingly at the photos mourning the loss of something that you never had to begin with.

Jeanne Safer is a psychotherapist with skin in this particular game and the book draws heavily from her own personal experience with a damaged sibling who was markedly different than she. She is also one of the very few people who has shone a light on the sibling relationship, particularly the dysfunctional ones and their life-long impact upon us even when we reach adulthood and move away or shun those who being related too is far too painful and humiliating to bear. She also reminds us that the typical thought process that we will eventually overcome by mere physical separation who and where we came from is a myth that needs to be acknowledged if we are to truly heal. She outlines the profound effect that these relationships have on our own lives in ways that I found to be bone-chilling.

Using Shakespeare’s The Tempest as a model for explaining what Safer calls “The Caliban Syndrome” which is a set of emotional stages faced by normal siblings in relation to their damaged ones, she outlines the dual existence of compensation and guilt. It’s a heavy cross to bear.

She offers several case studies of normal siblings and their stories about their own damaged and difficult siblings. The level of relevance will be very high if you are one who can relate. This is what attracted me to the book in the first place. This is also a book that is going to touch a nerve, either positive or negative, dependent upon where the reader is in their own journey. Safer tells us that the only way to heal is thorough acceptance and integration of experience not by cutting ties, denouncement, or running away which is an unevolved, adolescent, and unrewarding approach that leaves the normal sibling stuck in an endless loop of misery.

The only way out is through. Think about how often this is true.

She offers some practical advice on how to accomplish this and it has nothing to do with pushing for close knit relationships or physical proximity nor does it mean slogging through unwanted obligatory behavior, sacrificing your own health and well-being and the health and well-being of those you love and care about for the sake of a person who cannot for whatever reason carry their weight through this world in a way that doesn’t infringe upon others. The case studies end on a positive note because we see these normal siblings doing the work and breaking through. There is a strong message of hope and the knowledge that your sibling or parents no longer need to be alive in order to do this work is encouraging.

I am one of these “normal” siblings. There were parts of several of these stories where I would almost swear I was reading about myself or my sibling or my parent’s role in the dysfunction. It was uncanny.

I highly recommend this book to anyone with a faulty sibling relationship especially if you have a damaged or difficult sibling that profoundly affected your views on your family of origin.

BRB Rating: Read It or Own It.

[Carin · Rating 3 out of 5]

My father's only sibling, his younger sister, had both schizophrenia, and also mental capacity limitations. When she was a young adult, their parents and she moved to Florida where the mental health system was better. For decades she cycled in and out of homes, had a wide variety of harmless to severe health issues, and was a constant drain on his emotions. Years ago I read a fascinating book, Mad House: Growing Up in the Shadow of Mentally Ill Siblings by Clea Simon, who had two older siblings with schizophrenia. And after the recent success of the book, The Collected Schizophrenias, which my company distributes, I've been thinking about their relationship again, and a friend loaned me this book.

It is mostly about having a severely damaged sibling. The various case studies range from the expected (schizophrenia, bipolar) to addiction, narcissism, brain damage, and just plain horrid siblings with no diagnosis. A few were not as extreme on the scale, which was nice for variety, and also to make the book more accessible to some of us who might have difficult, but not clinical siblings. It's interesting that Dr. Safer came up with the term "Caliban Syndrome" because I've certainly heard it, even though I'm not in the mental health field. I do wish the chapters analyzing The Tempest were a bit shorter (maybe readers less familiar with the play do appreciate the lengthy descriptions however.) And I wish there was more directive of approaches to those relationships, but the book is more of a series of case studies than a how-to. The stores were fascinating and riveting, and I kind of wish the book had even more of them--if it was chock-full like a Dr. Sacks book. But I understand she needed to explain the underpinnings of the patterns she was seeing, particularly as at the time this was published, there was little to no psychological research about siblings at all. Which is bizarre as, as she points out several times in the book, your sibling relationships will be the longest relationships you have in your life.

It would be truly fascinating to see a new edition--or perhaps simply a follow-up book--twenty years later as the mental health field has changed so much in the intervening time. With new diagnoses and more diagnoses and changing attitudes towards mainstreaming and mental health concerns, I think Dr. Safer would find significant differences, in just two decades. A really interesting read.

[Ruby · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Making someone the embodiment of self-inflicted failure precludes any possibility of growth or healing, even as it absolves you of responsibility."

"In a family that practices exclusion, even a station as secure as mine never feels entirely solid, because it rests on the unstable foundation of parents' favor as well as on the miseries of another."

"The process is insidious and almost undetectable; you find what you look for and ignore what you do not want to see, and you can only help others know what you can recognize in yourself."

"Having a traumatic sibling relationship is not only a tragedy; it is also an opportunity for insight that can profit the next generation; knowing your vulnerabilities can help you manage them."

"Parents need their children to see the world through their eyes; the more disturbing and precariously held the view, the more threatening a contrary perspective can be."

"No human being can control everything-the unconscious is particularly recalcitrant to such efforts-but self-knowledge gives you a huge advantage."

"Children are not only the beneficiaries but frequently the agents who liberate their parents from sibling bondage; ironically, they most often serve this function for parents who promised their own parents that they would be caretakers for life."

[Delanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first and only book of its kind, this was one of the most validating books I've ever read. I've never felt more understood and unalone then I did when I heard the testimonies in this book. LITERALLY I've spent years trying to understand why I felt the way I did, and how much of my own problems could be attributed to what I went through growing up as "a normal one". Previous counselors and therapists have touched on the subject that my anxieties and depression may have roots in my sister's disability but never was I able to get a deep focus like I was here.

I just wish this book was better. Seriously, it's not that well written. She does not do a great job at consistently citing sources, she repeats herself and directly quotes the same sentences from her patients and interviewees in different sections of the book without attributing the quotes as from anyone other than herself. I would have loved to give this by stars, but even my personal feelings, and to the overall social need for focus on this topic, it wasn't present well and on its own had a lot of issues that should have been taken care of in another round or two of editing.

That being said, I would highly recommend this book be added to any psychology class curriculum, and passed around the academic community in hopes it would Inspire more research into caliban syndrome.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book was not completely relevant to my relationship with my siblings, there are aspects of "normal" sibling relationships throughout the book. For example, even in a family with "normal" children, parents or siblings will often assign themselves roles (the smart one, the easy one, the emotional one, the artistic one, etc.). These roles can be both comforting and confining, and part of becoming an adult is realizing that you get to break out of your childhood role and just be who you are.

Additionally, the meat of this book, I think, is just to acknowledge and deal with the emotions you have that are shameful or dark. We all have angry moments when we wish our siblings ill; that doesn't make you a horrible person. Acknowledging those difficult emotions doesn't mean that we're acting on them.

I think that this book could be very offensive to people who have a good relationship with a sibling who has mental or physical differences, but probably most people who grew up with a difficult sibling have conflicting emotions, memories, and responsibilities that this book might help them work through.

[Rhonda Rae Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am in awe of this groundbreaking book that is part memoir and part psychological insight. Such thoughts coming from the 'normal' one or even the 'surviving' child brought me full circle with feelings on my own childhood and that of my children.

I've never understood sibling interpersonal relations in this fashion and the insight presented here taught me as well as confirmed issues I am presently witnessing. The processes of integration were explained as if Jeanne had been speaking to me personally. I felt a wall inside break down where suddenly there was room to be myself. My heart is widened and I'm digging deeper for application in encouraging my own children who suffer from similar dynamics.

This is profound and powerful...must read again to grasp more widsom for personal growth. I'm looking forward to learning more as I thumb through the pages again...gleaning knowledge so well presented. Thank you Jeanne as this work is spot-on, honest, and relevent.

Everyone will benefit from reading this book, it is that eye-opening and universal.

[Lisbeth Fagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

As interesting and informative as Jeanne Safer (and the various other sibling's) accounts were, I found this book very dry and hard to get through. I was expecting more of a narrative exploring the lives of these "normal" siblings, but instead encountered short vignettes of various lives. While I appreciate Safer's creation of what she calls the "Caliban Syndrome," I was hoping for her to expound more clearly upon how to help children and adults in these situations. A good introduction into the word of "the other sibling," I think it may be worth a reread eventually.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. I picked it up off my sister's bookshelf one day (she's a therapist), read the back cover, then started reading the introduction. As someone with multiple siblings, it fascinated me. And as a writer, I value some of the insight I gained into sibling relationships.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really connected to this book, being a "normal one" who fits many of the traits described in here. I will say, though, that my parents read it and thought it was a load of crap.

As a "normal one" though, I really appreciated it and felt it said what I feel very well.

[Doug Ebeling]

Not sure why my sister gave this to me. It's about people with really severely damaged siblings. I'm thinking she doesn't qualify. But if your sibling is mentally ill, severely disabled, or a criminal of some sort, this book might offer some insight.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read. A psychology book on being "normal" when you have siblings that have problems which could range from severely handicapped to mild disorders.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's an excellent book for silblings of people with special challenges.

[Hira Ahmad · Rating 3 out of 5]

An okay book but I just got bored in certain parts because I feel like the authors of the memoirs were not getting to the point fast enough to grab my attention and make me want to continue reading

[Jane Hanser · Rating 2 out of 5]

What she wrote about she did a good job of. However, the book was not comprehensive enough for me and omitted many situations in which the physically and emotionally health sibling is shortchanged.

[James Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of great insight into a subject I rarely see discussed. The stories and analysis start to get a bit repetitive around page 50--even at 200 pages, this feels long for what it ultimately is.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

An invaluable resource for anyone personally or professionally touched by physically or emotionally challenged individuals.