Woman's Inhumanity to Woman

by Phyllis Chesler

Drawing on the most important studies in psychology, human aggression, anthropology, and primatology, and on hundreds of original interviews conducted over a period of more than 20 years, this groundbreaking treatise urges women to look within and to consider other women realistically, ethically, and kindly and to forge bold and compassionate alliances. Without this necessary next step, women will never be liberated. Detailing how women's aggression may not take the same form as men's, this investigation reveals-through myths, plays, memoir, theories of revolutionary liberation movements, evolution, psychoanalysis, and childhood development-that girls and women are indeed aggressive, often indirectly and mainly toward one another. This fascinating work concludes by showing that women depend upon one another for emotional intimacy and bonding, and exclusionary and sexist behavior enforces female conformity and discourages independence and psychological growth.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Psychology, Womens, Gender, Womens Studies, Politics

580 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 31, 2002

About the author

Phyllis Chesler is an Emerita Professor of Psychology and Women's Studies at City University of New York. She is a best- selling author, a legendary feminist leader, a psychotherapist and an expert courtroom witness. Dr. Chesler has published thousands of articles and, most recently, studies, about honor-related violence including honor killings. She is the author of 20 books, including Women and Madness and An American Bride in Kabul. Her forthcoming book is titled Requiem for a Female Serial Killer, about serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

Reviews

[Arlington · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Sexism is complicated." This book is a giant sociological study that took the author 21 years to complete. I spent about two hours with it.
I came to this book with one agenda: to find tools and answers to better my own close relationships with other women. I needed language for my confusing feelings.
We all know (or should know) what is normally considered "drama" among women is serious direct and indirect violence that crosses class, race, and gender lines. We're talking women throwing acid into each other's faces, both literally and metaphorically, and it being reduced to "drama." It's an extremely psychologically devastating experience, one that easily triggers existential crises. It's a problem that most if not all women experience. It's a violence we are told to disregard, as people throw around the "girls, girls, please don't fight" line or "it's just drama", and indeed, the physical violence men incur against women is at once more visually horrendous and simpler to understand.
However, I found myself, a mature young lady, treating one of my best friends like crap. I had absolutely no language for why I was doing this, and knew I wasn't the type to just "start drama". It was more complicated than that. I knew I loved her--why would I treat her this way? I went to the bookstore (agnostic's place of worship?) to seek out a more educated voice giving me background for why I might have those feelings to begin with.
The book delivered. The term "psychological ethics" was a relief to hear. What are the causes of low psychological ethics? Her answer, in the case of the indirect violence women invoke on each other, was--surprise!--internalized sexist views that are encouraged by a institutionalized sexism. Plus 10,000 years of oppression.
So, the paragraph: "[As a result of internalized sexist views,] women unconsciously expect constant nurturing from other women, and this expectation is irrational. In reality, normal women are quite aggressive and competitive toward other women. Women have been taught to deny this. The denial leads to grudge-holding, rumor-mongering, slander, and ostracism. This sort of indirect aggression is painful to experience, since most women also depend on other women for emotional intimacy, friendship, and social approval. It is important to encourage women to express what they think and feel directly, openly, in the here-and-now. Women will learn that doing so will not kill anyone and that truth-telling does not have to lead to female disapproval or rejection."

[Sajede · Rating 1 out of 5]

زنان علیه هم پرخاشگری غیرمستقیم دارند.
کل حرف کتاب همینه.

[Stella · Rating 4 out of 5]

It really is a no-brainer: members of a social group with limited power will undermine and manipulate other members within that social group in order to achieve power, even if the power achieved is of no substance. This is achieved through preying upon weaknesses and manipulation and passive aggressive behavior.

Having been on the receiving end of predatory and passive aggressive female behavior in various contexts throughout my life I can most certainly identify with this. It's spot on. So are her observations about group dynamics and power.

The author has a strong argument but she could further strengthen it by cutting back on the qualitative data a bit.

As a social scientist this piece of research would have been more compelling for me had the author provided more quantitative data to balance out the personal stories and insight. I have plenty of personal anecdotes that I could offer which support the author's thesis and which support my disinclination to trust other women, whether they be "feminist" or not. However I also acknowledge that such experiences are subject to my own interpretation.

As researchers we observe social phenomena but rarely offer solutions. This is another piece of research which does just that. It's frustrating but not at all unusual.

[Петър Стойков · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phyllis Chesler е радикална феминистка от старата школа - активно участвала във втората вълна на движението през 60-те ин 70-те. След това обаче е отхвърлена от ръководните кръгове на феминистките организации заради изразяваните от нея мнения относно посоката, която поема феминизма, участието на мъжете в движението и резултатите от нейните изследвания на психологическата природа на жените.

"Женската безчовечност към жените" е втората й много противоречива във феминистките кръгове книга, след "Жените и лудостта" (Women and madness). В нея тя не само изследва отношенията на жените помежду им, но и дава безброй примери от своя живот и контактите си с практически изцяло женското феминистко движение.

Това, което авторката опсва, всеки обикновен човек е наблюдавал безброй пъти в нормалния живот. Като цяло мъжете, даже да не се харесват особено, поставени пред обща цел, спонтанно създават удивително сплотени екипи. Мъжките конфликти са агресивни, но кратки, а мъжките приятелства често са доживот.

Жените от своя страна обаче, поставени в група, много рядко са искрено добронамерени една към друга, непрекъснато се разделят на групички и се клюкарят, имат определена склонност да "отлъчват" и заклеймяват тези, които не са конформисти и солидарни с групата и като цяло използват налагането на солидарност като силов метод за предотвратяване на евентуални по-добри постижения или изявяване на някоя от тях. Женските конфликти са със сравнително ниска интензивност, но злобата може да продължава с години, а женските приятелства се разпадат много по-лесно.

Иронично наистина, но въпреки своята широко пропагандирана "солидарност" на всички жени, гореописаното авторката наблюдава от първа ръка във феминистките движения и техните активистки. Те проявяват, дори в доста по-изразена степен, точно тези нелицеприятни черти от женската психика и отношения.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

You have to give the author credit for her bravery in being one of the first to tackle an important but taboo subject. You can read throughout the book that she expects to be mercilessly attacked for writing it. Some parts of the book are stronger than others, but it is worth reading for those parts. I wish she gave more suggestions for dealing with the problems, but perhaps there aren't many solutions.

[Madeleine Goblin]

This is a feminist book that deals with tricky subject for most feminists: hostility between women. The more normal/acceptable topic is men's nastiness towards women, but then, it's too easy (I mean anybody can criticise men, they are asking for it, poor things! - only joking). Phyllis Chesler is no slacker and goest straight to the core:

- little girls bullying other girls
- female colleagues at work sticking to men in their attempt undermine other women
- mothers, out of best intentions and care, and love, driving their daughters to medication and therapy by constantly criticising, belittling and setting idiotically high expectations of them.

It's all tough shit, I tell ya. What bothers me personally is, okay, some unenlightened sisters can still be mean to each other out of ignorance and weakness, but feminists themselves (especially academic feminists whom Phylllis knows) can be too difficult towards each other as well, as illustrated by the author. As if they cannot do away without squabbling and accusing each other of lack of support/stealing their ideas/not acknowledging someone in their books etc.

Author's explanation is that women tend to have unreasonably high expectations of other women and when they fail, those women feel betrayed. (From my personal experience, I tend to be more forgiving towards women and don't ask much from them, and therefore less likely to be dissapointed by them than by men).

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parts of this book are heart breaking and parts are very lif-affirming. Chesler impartially outlines problems in women's relationships without condemming or sinking into mysoginistic language. She is merely describing what ocurrs everyday in Western society from what she has personally observed.

This book is one of the truest descriptions of the human condition that I have ever read.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am forever changed by this book. I think this a book that every woman needs to read.

[Bernadette · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've had this book for a while and never really finished it. Recently, due to not understanding some of the 'women' in my life, I picked it up again hoping that it would give me some new insights about my female relationships. Boy did it ever. I think this is a must read for any woman and I would go as far as to say that it should be required reading for all females ESPECIALLY those who do not like other women, are cunt haters or do not have close female friends. If you are over women's hostility to other women then this book is the perfect read....

[Vasil Kolev · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book a lot of effort to read, but it was worthy.

It shows a lot of the character of women that's usually hidden, almost taboo to talk about directly. It helps understand women a bit more, show some very bad stuff, some extremely weird, some eye-opening.

It's also a great book on group dynamics and somewhat on character assassination...

[Beate Chelette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed everything for me. It is the bible for anyone who wants to read the most fundamental and first, groundbreaking work on what women do to each other. It was part of my research for my own book, and nobody raised the issue like Phyllis Chesler did.

[Staige Azarova · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I have entered the world of feminist movements and women studies, this has opened up even a bigger conversation within my own self and within my understanding of the movement. Every chapter was an enlightenment, and I feel like I see the world clearer, I am deeply aware of my own behaviors and the behavior patterns I’ve been using towards other women.

I’ve questioned myself quite a number of times while reading this book, and I definitely transformed a little thanks to that. What an important work and important topic for our world to acknowledge!

[Sunaina Mannan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Her last 10 pages of the book were groundbreaking and if you were expecting a self-help book; those pages would be the closest to it.

Maybe I'm biased being a psychology major - but this book was phenomenal. Yes - a bit slow in the beginning. I completely lost her for a bit with the Electra talk in chapter 4.

But it breaks down an understanding of WHY women are so vicious to one another. It gave me answers as to why women are horrible to those who are honest, clean-hearted and genuine in nature.

[Yana Petrova · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for every woman.

[Rachel Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brutally honest look at the way women treat each other.

This is a difficult subject to read about so it must have been even harder to write. It's difficult to follow in some parts but the research & revealed truths are refreshingly validating. It's as real as real can be when confronting the fake ways (among many others) women interact with other women.

[Царевна · Rating 5 out of 5]

Много хубава книга за сложните взаимоотношения между жените. Описва точно проблемите в тези взаимоотношения, диференцира ги ясно един от друг и ги обяснява по много убедителен за мен начин.

Всеки човек с поне минимален житейски опит е забелязал, че женските взаимоотношения са белязани от отровна липса на откритост: преструвки, лъжлива солидарност, вражди, назряващи конфликти и скрити съперничества. И всичко това винаги клокочи ПОД повърхността! От време на време избива под формата на обидно глупави дребнавости и продължава непризнатото си съществуване уж скрито от лицето на света.

До прочитането на тази книга бях една от многото, които трудно се разбират с жените и смятат, че взаимодействията с жени са много обременяващи. Затова ги свеждах до минимум, когато това беше възможно. В същото време ясно съзнавам, че нося характеристиките на всички тези жени, с които не се разбирам и че упреците ми към поведението им трябват да са насочени и към моето собствено поведение, което не се различава чак толкова от тяхното. Чувството е смазващо – да изпитваш някаква форма на неясно презрение към себе си и най-близките си от биологична и психологическа гледна точка същества. Приемаш, че нещо не ти е наред и живееш с ненормалността си, примирил се, че излизане от това положение няма.

Служейки си с резултатите от десетки научни изследвания, Филис Чеслър, изявена американска феминистка, свърза в система разпокъсания ми личен опит във взаимоотношенията ми с жените и го обогати с проблеми, за чието съществуване изобщо не съм подозирала. Една от най-полезните книги, които съм чела напоследък, защото не просто доставя удоволствие на ума, както всяка добра книга, а дава ключ към решаването на проблеми, за които смятах, че решение няма.

[Alissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the theme and her overall message, but I thought the style of writing was not that great. Also, I do not like how many personal anecdotes were shared; to me a scientific work should stay a bit more removed than that (although I know others may disagree). I was surprised that she also failed to acknowledge any similar 'feminine' failures on her part; instead Chesler seemed to 'apologize' for her bad reactions towards other women. In other words, she framed herself as a constant victim, while denying her own jealousies, gossiping, etc. Maybe she never engaged in these indirect aggressions, but I find this hard to believe. Again, I do support the underlying theme, but I didn't want to give it more than 2 stars because I really wouldn't suggest this book to someone else; it would be preferable just to read the research for myself, or even just the Ulanov book about jealousy (which Chesler quotes constantly and uses verbatim for her concluding paragraph!). As a final point, I am NOT ripping Chesler apart because I'm jealous, etc. I truly wanted to like this book and did not.

[Theresa Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the best books I've ever read. It details the micro-aggression's that women direct to each other and the ways that they attempt to sabotage one another. A great book, by a brutally honest woman and a great feminist. I never forget the story she told of how she was giving a talk and she slipped on the way up to the stage and fell, really hurting herself. A well-known feminist watched her fall, and then smiled and snickered, seeming to derive real pleasure in the fact that Chesler had accidentally been injured in the fall. Instead of offering to help, this other well-known feminist basically laughed at her. Women do sabotage one another, and learning why this happens, and the manner that misogyny is so ingrained into women's consciousness was life altering for me. This is a must read for any women over the age of 25, or for any woman period. Highly recommended.

[Fareha · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a Woman, I highly recommend this book to all women, you become more self-aware of how you treat other women.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The points made in this book definitely need to be made, but I wish some of it was backed up with more scientific data and less "I know a woman who" anecdotal evidence. Still, well worth reading.

[Dana · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'll have to abandon this one. The topic was interesting, yet the take on it truly chaotic and weird. No likey

[Sally Duros · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published in Sally's World, August 2003
http://www.sallyduros.com/womans-inhu...

By SALLY DUROS

Leadership. We talk about it all the time. But what is it?

I've worked in places where leadership is measured by office configuration and size of paycheck, by number of phone calls placed and appointments made, by the urgency, authority and volume of voice with which one gives orders, by the minutes one arrives late at a meeting, or by the number of minutes of face time one has with the boss.

You know and I know that none of this is leadership, but sometimes it passes for the real thing when there is lack of an authentic leader.

Oddly, it was a photograph of an event in a far off place that got me to thinking about how we define leadership.

It was a news photo in the Sunday New York Times. Black and white, running over three columns at the top of the page, the photo was of about two dozen women - dressed casually in slacks, skirts and blouses -tossing handfuls of soil on what looked like a mound of dirt and rocks. The caption said: "Women in Dyararnakir, Turkey, performed a task customarily done by men when they threw soil on the grave of Cemse Allak, a stoning victim." The headline on the article read, "Honor Killings defy Turkish Efforts to End them."

The women throwing the dirt are members of KAMER, a women's rights association. The woman in the grave had lain semi-conscious in a hospital for seven months after her skull had been crushed. The man who had made her pregnant lies in a grave of his own. This is the way honor is upheld in a culture that believes that an unmarried pregnant woman, even if brought to that state through rape, has brought shame upon her family and merits a death sentence.

It appears Turkey has been trying to win its way into the European Union, and to do so it has passed human rights legislation that lawmakers hope will squelch the tradition of murdering in the name of "family honor." As many as 5,000 women and girls are murdered by family members each year in so-called "honor killings" around the world, according to The United Nations Population Fund.

Turkey's legislation is necessary, but it won't mean squat without grassroots leadership like that provided by the KAMER women who visited the stoning victim in the hospital, claimed her body, and saw to it that she had a coffin and a burial. They supported her when her family wouldn't. Research on "honor killings" has shown that females in the family - mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters and cousins are commonly complicit in the violence and support attacks and "honor killings."

Given Turkey's cultural context, the actions taken by the women of KAMER is clearly an act of leadership.

Given the "Western" cultural context, what I see in this news story is that time is right for each of us to take personal action to disarm the weapon that enables ancient practices like "honor killings."

That weapon is gossip.

Women value connection to others more dearly than anything else, research over the past three decades has found. And because of that, gossip hits hard as a stone and fells even the strongest among us.

Women attack each other constantly, covertly and vigorously, indirectly through gossip, slander, shunning and bullying. Still, that isn't as aggressive as what men do - or is it?

The ways in which women attack - dubbed indirect aggression by psychologists - are devastating to individuals. Women mostly target each other, and in some cultures the attacks are deadly.

Yes, men's typical aggressive choices - fighting, guns, bombs, weapons of mass destruction - are designed to kill and maim. This kind of aggression is open and endemic. We discuss it and actively take sides on its presence in the world. But woman's way of attacking indirectly allows us to trivialize, minimize, and hide the way we hurt each other.

Indirect aggression has a profound affect on the status of women in the world. It is the main expression of women's sexist beliefs about ourselves.

I can almost see the eyes rolling here - NOT another call for political correctness! This is a bit of a mind twister so please bear with me. This is absolutely not political correctness. There is no code of behavior. No checklist of approved attitudes and behaviors. Nor should we consider taking the short cut by imitating men's worst behaviors.

No. We have to find a new way.

There is instead only the requirement that we be real and respectful and speak our minds, that we learn to let go of our anger and envy, that we refuse to participate in mutual downgrading.

Women are sexist. We are programmed to work against and undervalue ourselves. Indirect aggression is the method we use to keep each other in line and maintain the status quo. And the status quo does not serve our goals. The status quo seeks to keep us less visible.

This is a dirty old secret that was never really a secret and that has finally been thoroughly addressed in Woman's Inhumanity to Woman by Phyllis Chesler, a groundbreaking feminist psychologist and author. Chesler says that the book took her 21 years to write, and during most of those years other women begged her not to write it.

In the Introduction, Chesler says: "As feminist women, we knew that we were doomed without sisterhood so we proclaimed it, even in its absence. We wanted to will it into existence, verbally, without wrestling it into being."

Those of you tempted to browse to the next page because of the word "Feminist" - please don't! This book helps us - it helped me at least - to understand and recognize the attitudes that I have internalized and how they are hobbling my power in the world.

The book is exhaustively researched. Chesler provides evidence from primate and anthropological research, workplace studies, sociological data, original interviews, memoir and more to make the case for woman's inhumanity to woman. She discusses indirect aggression among girls and teenagers, between mothers and daughters, sisters and best friends, women in the workplace, women in groups, as well as personal examples from the women's movement.

And yes, Chesler offers examples from research that demonstrate how women's gossip creates the climate in which "honor killing" of a woman can become inevitable.

Although women in the West are leading the way on many fronts our advancement is hobbled by these dynamics.

"Women in the family face life and death battles, and we transfer those into our worklife," Chesler says in a telephone interview. "It would be better if women could learn to take things less personally. … keep our eyes on the prize."

"Women are the chief enforcers of this (aggression)," she says. "Men do not notice it."

There's a lot of information in this book, and it's tempting to make it an intellectual exercise. We shouldn't let that happen. The bottom line is personal and in our hearts. It takes us beyond rhetoric and thought and to a place where we each, as individuals, can recognize our everyday sexist assumptions about ourselves and other women.

I encourage you to read Chesler's book to fully experience the passion and clarity of her argument. As Chesler writes, "I no longer share as an article of faith the belief in the power of political-social programming to improve human nature. … I am suggesting that the human spirit has the power to learn from adversity in remarkable ways."

The spirit does. To push back and expand our personal edge in the world causes discomfort. But it also forces learning. And that learning can bring change around the world.

In Turkey, the change is under way at the legislative front and at the personal front. That Turkey even cares how it looks to the European Union and the "Western" world is the result of the personal work of millions of individuals and, in turn, institutional response to that work, during the past several decades.

Those of us in WorldWIT can help write the headlines of the next decades by taking leadership and fine-tuning our ear and our actions so that we are acting openly and authentically as woman and as individuals.

Each of us can heighten our awareness and then, before you know it, we've jointly created a critical mass of consciousness that will take us to the next level. That's social change.

It is in that spirit that I offer Chesler's 9 suggestions for how women and daughters can accept, sense and be with ourselves and one another to create a fresh perspective.

1. "Humbly accept that change is a process."
It can't be rushed.

2. "Acknowledge, do not deny the truth."
Women are normally aggressive, oppressed women are angry; be realistic about what to expect from other women.

3. "Become strong."
Develop a strong sense of self and of your uniqueness.

4. "Become strong enough to take criticism."
Hear respectfully. Opposing views are not a personal betrayal.

5. "Learn to express your anger: rules of engagement."
Perhaps here we can learn from men, who comfortably occupy a psychological middle distance from each other.

6. "Learn to ask for what you want: Learn to move on if you don't get what you want."
Put it into words and ask for it directly.

7. "Do not gossip. "
Do not initiate it and do not pass it on.

8. "No woman is perfect: apologize when you've made a mistake and then move on."
If you are the saboteur, cut yourself some slack. If you are slandered or sabotaged, deal with it directly.

9. "Treat women respectfully."
Cultivate the concept of an honorable opponent.

By the way, the opinions presented in Sally's World are mine and do not in any way represent those of WorldWIT. I invite your rage and your praise. Email me!

[Jana Rađa · Rating 4 out of 5]

"[A] person of spiritual quality sees to it that the evil stops when it comes to her; she will not pass it on, but neutralizes and dissolves it back into the nothingness from which it came.“ ~ Simone Weil (not verbatim)

Woman's Inhumanity to Woman ended up in my cart as soon as I spotted it on Amazon and read its description. The title says it all. It deals with the myth of sisterhood. "Women's aggression may not take the same form as men's, but girls and women are indeed aggressive, often indirectly and mainly toward one another. They judge harshly, hold grudges, gossip, exclude, and disconnect from other women." Sound familiar?

Nothing that Phyllis Chesler writes about is new and, to an extent, I was aware of it my whole life, but some things you have to live through in order to process them in full. Over the past ten years I experienced what it means to lose people you love, both men and women, solely for having the courage to move on with your life and for speaking the truth as you see it. I also came to experience what it means to be an odd woman out and to survive the mortifying and yet, eventually, strangely liberating war tactics used by female cliques. Although the fear of being cut off is real, I also came to realise that I loved life and truth too much to stay around people I used to love, but no longer liked, or to force myself into fitting in where I was not wanted.

There is a point in any person’s life where you have to answer the following question, “Am I thankful for the life I am living? Am I full of joy? If not, why?” Some people will look deep inside and, if they are not happy with the answer, they will try to change it.

I remember walking my dog once as an acquaintance came running by. She stopped and started a conversation. The first few lines were innocent enough, but soon the woman asked some personal questions about someone else. The questions were not benevolent chit-chat; it was fishing for information. A few years earlier I might have answered them in good faith, without thinking too much about the consequences—either for the other person or for myself—but at that point I refused to answer them. I suggested that she talk to the person directly, that I could not help her. She got mad and she continued her run. When I saw her again some time later, she would not greet me; she just looked away. The woman was an acquaintance, so whether she got mad at me or not is inconsequential really, but such conversations are typical for women, especially for cliques.

The other day I was walking the dog again—yes, I do that a lot—but this time with another acquaintance. Suddenly we found ourselves talking about mothers. She started it and I joined in right away. I had had a disagreement with my mother that very morning, so this conversation seemed a godsend (always beware of godsends; they are often everything but). The relationship with my mother is no longer blissful as I once thought it was. I don’t know whether it’s that she has changed or whether I have changed, perhaps it was both of us, perhaps it was our expectations of each other that have changed. Phyllis Chesler tells us about the relationship with her mother, “I have come to understand that my mother is the one person I have most tried to please, the one person whom I could never please—and she might say the exact same thing about me." The sentence could also apply to my relationship with my mother or, I am sure, to many other such relationships all over the world. There are three chapters in the book dedicated to the topic, so yes, it is a universal issue. (By the way, I saw a guy in the gym the other day. He had a T-shirt on and it said, “Save the drama for your mama!” Good, isn’t it? Nothing like a little drama with (or about) your mama.) Anyway, it was so good to talk to someone and to let it all out, especially as she also seemed to need to talk about her family. When I got home at first I felt good, relieved, energised. A bit later though, I didn’t feel good any more. I felt as if I had been sucked into the same old story of “he-said-she-said” that characterises most interactions between women. Yet, it was a normal conversation; women have such conversations all the time. It’s just that, sometimes, normal is not the right thing to do. Good conversations don’t make you feel like crap afterwards. So, I won’t be doing that again. I have developed a system for dealing with such situations (and reading is part of the system), and as soon as the alarm goes off, the shields go up.

Phyllis Chesler writes about indirect aggression among girls and teenagers, woman’s sexism, the mother-daughter relationship, sisters and their relationship, women in the workplace, women in groups. The book covers about every aspect of female interactions and it is a must read for any woman who finds that the interactions with other women she encounters in everyday life are somehow lacking or leave her gasping for air. Even if nothing can change, and most things on such a gigantic scale cannot, just knowing that the problem is not endemic, but characteristic of women everywhere, makes one feel better and it becomes easier to embrace and confront one’s own imperfections.

Anyway, I read the book. I did a lot of underlying. I recognise and agree with most of the things the author says. The part that makes me sigh with relief is that my aloness does not arise from me being in some way intrinsically different from other women, but from what I choose to be and how I choose to act. I know that over my lifetime I did a lot of stupid things and that I hurt a lot of people. Some things I did consciously and some were subconscious I guess, but I do try to improve. That is the only way we can make a difference in this world. It’s not by telling our children that they should be better than us; it is by being better ourselves every single day.

In conclusion, I will include a few quotes (in addition to those I used as status updates for Woman's Inhumanity to Woman) about women in relation to other women that I collected over the past few years because they all struck me as accurate. I might be adding to the collection in the future. “It is impossible to change one’s behaviour if we do not first name that behaviour,” Phyllis Chesler says. So, let’s name the behaviour.

"Boys will be boys. And even that wouldn't matter if only we could prevent girls from being girls." ~ Anne Frank

"What girls do to each other is beyond description. No Chinese torture comes close." ~ Tori Amos

“Boys will be boys, that's what people say. No one ever mentions how girls have to be something other than themselves altogether. We are to stifle the same feelings that boys are encouraged to display. We are to use gossip as a means of policing ourselves -- this way those who do succumb to sex but are not damaged by it are damaged instead by peer malice. Girls demand a covenant because if one gives in, others will be expected to do the same. We are to remain united in cruelty, ignorance, and aversion. Or we are to starve the flesh from our bones, penalizing the body for its nature, castigating ourselves for advances we are powerless to prevent. We are to make false promises then resist the attentions solicited. Basically we are to become expert liars.” ~ Hilary Thayer Hamann, Anthropology of an American Girl

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.” ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

"Individuals who are supposedly less cooperative, males, control individuals who are supposedly more cooperative, women. [...] Maybe the common assumptions are just wrong. Maybe males of the species are characterised not by physical strength, aggressiveness and competitiveness, but rather by superior social skills and a greater tendency to cooperate." ~ Yuval Noah Harari, Sapiens

"We’re taught how to be tough and sweet, and, of equal importance, we’re taught when to be tough and when to be sweet. As we get older, the consequences of being tough and independent when you’re supposed to be tender and helpless increase in severity. For young girls, the penalties range from a stern look to descriptors like “tomboy” or “headstrong.” But as we get older, the consequences for being too assertive or independent take on a darker nature— shame, ridicule, blame, and judgment.
Most of us were too young and having too much fun to notice when we crossed the fine line into “behavior not becoming of a lady”— actions that call for a painful penalty. Now, as a woman and a mother of both a daughter and a son, I can tell you exactly when it happens. It happens on the day girls start spitting farther, shooting better, and completing more passes than the boys. When that day comes, we start to get the message— in subtle and not-so-subtle ways— that it’s best that we start focusing on staying thin, minding our manners, and not being so smart or speaking out so much in class that we call attention to our intellect. This is a pivotal day for boys, too. This is the moment when they’re introduced to the white horse. Emotional stoicism and self-control are rewarded, and displays of emotion are punished. Vulnerability is now weakness. Anger becomes an acceptable substitute for fear, which is forbidden.
I don’t think there’s any question that while also serving to keep existing power structures in place, the rules punish both men and women. And it’s not just men who discourage integration and enforce the rules; it’s the women, too. While there are many women fighting for a different way of life, there is still a powerful core group of sisters who have pledged their allegiance to a system where tender and tough are so driven apart from their natural coexistence that each one metastasizes into a dangerous version of itself. Tender turns into ass kissing and people pleasing. Tough turns into neck wringing and bad mouthing.
These are the roles and behaviors that many of us were raised to adopt, even if they don’t reflect who we are deep down inside. Gender politics is a lot like dancing. If you’ve ever seen a couple cutting a rug to a fast Texas polka, you get the picture. Gender itself is a combination of highly choreographed steps and well-rehearsed compromises. No matter who is calling the dance, it takes two to two-step. And while the music and the moves may differ by location or background, the underlying rhythms are pretty much the same. From Long Island to Silicon Valley, a fear of being perceived as weak forces men into pretending they are never afraid, lonely, confused, vulnerable, or wrong; and an extreme fear of being perceived as cold-hearted, imperfect, high maintenance, or hostile forces women to pretend they’re never exhausted, ambitious, pissed off, or even hungry." ~ Brene Brown, Rising Strong

"Women hate women. That’s what I think it is. Women’s nature is not to support other women. It’s really sad. Men protect each other, and women protect their men and children. Women turn inward and men are more external. A lot of it has do with jealousy and some sort of tribal inability to accept that one of their kind could lead a nation." ~ Madonna in a Billboard interview , 2016

Against Cool Girl Feminism, Sarah Ditum, New Statesman: "The Cool Girl Feminist doesn’t insist that men and women should be equal. The Cool Girl doesn’t even suggest there’s anything wrong with the man-woman hierarchy as it stands. All the Cool Girl demands is that she be seen as an exception.

...

Author Gillian Flynn describes the Cool Girl like this in her novel Gone Girl:

'Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.'

There’s no reason why a woman shouldn’t like to eat, shag and play videogames. The problem is that the Cool Girl doesn't do these things because she likes them: they're just the tokens she deploys to show men that she can move in their world without disrupting the gender order, because she respects the man code. “They're not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be,” explains Gone Girl’s narrator, bitterly. Above all, the Cool Girl wants to please the guys, and that means that when the Cool Girl does feminism, her sternest criticisms are going to be reserved for the women who make sexist men uncomfortable.

...

A few months ago, I met someone who said: “The most radical thing you can do is love women.” When I heard it, I was inclined to shrug it off. That sounds a bit simple, I thought. A bit Teach the World to Sing. But the truth is, women are widely and routinely held in contempt, treated as objects, subject to harassment and violence, judged by higher standards than men and then derided for their failure to reach those standards. All that happens. And against that, one of the most profound things you can offer is sisterhood.

...

Feminism is the opposite of the singular, virginal May Queen on her lonely throne, or of the perversely inviolable Cool Girl, eating and eating without ever showing the signs of it on her body. Being a feminist means accepting other women’s trust and letting ourselves be transformed by it. Love women." (http://www.newstatesman.com/sarah-dit...)

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me really angry. It hurt to learn that women can be such total jerks to other women in the same way they complain about men being jerks to women. At the same time it was comforting to learn that I am not the only woman who has had these experiences.

[J. Gonzalez- Blitz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Going through this, there are some good points. A lot of examples from literature or mythology where we're looking at fictional women written by men, which, while art might contain abstract truths about human nature, might not be the best way to argue a point about women's psychology in real life. But what REALLY compelled me to write before I completely finished? Just read a part about mothers preferring their mentally I'll daughters.😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄WHAT?!?! Damn, I think she needs to be taking these anti-psychotic meds more than I do if she believes that.

[Dominga · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read, to understand women relationships (from mother to daughter, sisters, female friends...). It was for me really enlightening.

[El · Rating 2 out of 5]

My brother tells me that I am not an actual feminist because I criticize women and there are a lot of female public figures that I despise. One day I said to him that when you reach a certain level of feminism, you turn on women too. Because as much as you read and learn you start to realize how often women betray their class, how deeply they are embedded in their sexism and misogyny, and how they don’t even try to change their mindset. This realization at first is very heartbreaking but after a while, it turns into hate and anger.

Because of all this, I thought I was going to understand this book and feel understood by it. But that was not the case. This was a very uncomfortable read.

I know the author keeps saying throughout the book that “yeah, men are worse” but somehow this doesn’t feel like the genuine attitude.

The way this is written, makes it look like all women do is gossip and betray. I know these things happen, I know females do treat other women inhumanly, but I don’t agree that this is just the norm. Maybe it’s because I am young and I have never been betrayed or backstabbed by any female friend but I can not accept that female dyads are that harmful. I had a sense through this reading that the author keeps reflecting on her own struggles and creates facts out of these unfortunate experiences. Of course, writing is all personal and you can not exclude yourself from your work but there were some parts where the language was almost too close to misogyny.

[Gabriela · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is now approximately 8-9 years since I have read this book. I still recommend it to other women who are experiencinh relational aggression in their daily/work lives. I have also recommended it to mothers whether it is their son or daughter being bullied/harassed. I have bought this book many times over as a gift to others. Society has a way of gaslighting people into thinking that a lot of the issues and approaches brought to light in the book are just in their mind. People really can be that awful and if you know what you are dealing with, even if you can't completely change the situation, you can take measures to minimize its effect on you because you now know what you are dealing with. If nothing else, you can carry your own weather knowing that, for some people/women, it is all about getting a rise out of you and it really does chap their hide when you don't react. It was through this book that I also learned about Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and The Envying. Great companion pieces!

[Megan Mackin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVE this book. It is necessary. I have found myself arguing a bit with Chesler, not a bad thing, but I think she's too hard on women at times. "Gossip" is a way to snipe at other women, bring them down, yes -- but it's also something women do to try to understand how to get along with other women! Carol Gilligan's In A Different Voice might be overboard the other direction, but she also gave wording to the idea that women's meeting needs (as a reason to steal food, for example) is on a higher moral level than the male, linear 'follow the law.'

I love the statistics, the conversational parts, the anecdotes, everything. It's a book I could not put down. And I was a bit nervous to read it, afraid she was saying that we cannot work on the hierarchies between us (to create a more level feminism that is stronger and surer, along lines like race and class, fat oppression and education level, etc.). Not so! We can, we need to, and we need to do so from a place of centeredness, of trust in ourselves and self-respect.

[Reka Beezy · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this book is important, I definitely didn’t get the point of it until the tailend. It almost felt like a therapy-session where women came to the author to share their victim woes, but not how they might have participated in bullying behavior themselves towards other women. (Even the author only told stories of her own victimization at the hands of other women. When she questioned towards the end if she had been the aggressor or bully, she was still rather vague in her reponses. Hm.) I know the times when I’ve been the bully; maybe she should’ve interviewed me. The suggestions she gave should’ve been more prevalent throughout the book, and then summarized. But I also feel like this was more a cathartic book than a catalyst for tangible solutions. I made some notes of quotes that I liked in the book, but I don’t know if I should write them down because one of the stories she recounted had some false elements to it that I was able to disprove with a quick Google search, so I’ll leave that alone.