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When Roles Reverse: A Guide to Parenting Your Parents
After his father suffered a massive stroke and his mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Jim Comer found himself an overnight "parent" at the age of 51. When he walked into his father's hospital room everyone looked to him as the "man who knew all the answers." He soon realized he didn't even know the questions. In ten years of caregiving, Comer has not only learned the questions he has lived them, and with When Roles Reverse he shares his hard-won answers. He learned to deal with hospitals, insurance companies, rehab centers, his father's deafness and his mother's dementia. Through it all Jim has kept his sanity and sense of humor, in the process forging a deeper, more intimate relationship with his parents. With laugh-out-loud humor, Jim deals with improvisational moments for which there is no And offers personal experience and expert insight on the many issues it's absolutely essential to plan for such When Roles Reverse even includes "Fifty Questions that will save you Time, Money, and Tears," a special section designed to help families initiate vital communication and prepare for the crises, confusion and unexpected joys of caregiving.
- GenresNonfiction
328 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2006
6 people are currently reading
28 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
January 9, 2010
I wish that I did not need to read this book, but I do. At least we are at an earlier stage than the author. Now that I am finished, let me urge you all to get this book and read it before the need arises.
December 31, 2012
When I was taking care of my mother after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, a friend recommended this book, and I found it very helpful. I was becoming a parent to my mother, and Mr. Comer's observations were valuable to my own experience. He also gave practical tips about navigating Medicare, Medicaid and other social services available to caregivers.
July 9, 2025
Looking after your parents or looking after your inheritance?
I have mixed emotions about this book. I’m happy when a book encourages families to make plans for the future, something most Americans don’t seem to feel is necessary. If you live long enough, you’ll be old some day.
As late as the 1940’s, most Americans died in their late fifties or early sixties. Now better medical care is keeping us alive into our 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Yet families ignore the fact that most of us will be elderly at some time and may need some level of care.
In every family, this is a shifting situation. The child or grandchild you were counting on to look after you could die before you do or become incapacitated. We ALL say we don’t want to live if we’re unable to care for ourselves, but we really don’t have a choice. That’s why planning is essential.
This book is twenty years old, but some of the advice still holds. If your parent was a veteran or the spouse of a veteran, you need to check for VA benefits. What he doesn’t say is that you need to KEEP asking questions. At government agencies and corporations, nothing is written in stone and employees DO give incorrect answers. Persistence pays off!
This author supervised his parents’ care in nursing homes, but never cared for them himself. That makes a difference. I cared for my mother at home after her stroke for eight years. She was happier and received better care at home and I feel fortunate that I was able to care for her. However, if she had needed nursing home care, her assets would have been used to pay for it.
I can’t agree with this author’s apparent acceptance of gaming the Medicaid system to protect his parents’ assets from being used to pay for nursing home care. This in spite of strong warnings from Medicaid experts that the system is threatened because people are "shielding" their parents' assets instead of paying for the care they need.
The present system leaves the surviving spouse with lifetime use of the marital home and allows them to collect Social Security and other pensions.That’s as it should be, but most of the “shielding” is in favor of assets left to children, not spouses. Why should other taxpayers pay for your parents’ care so you can get an inheritance?
Read this and other books to help you and your family prepare for the possibility of elder care in a responsible, legal, ethical way. Then do the right thing.
I have mixed emotions about this book. I’m happy when a book encourages families to make plans for the future, something most Americans don’t seem to feel is necessary. If you live long enough, you’ll be old some day.
As late as the 1940’s, most Americans died in their late fifties or early sixties. Now better medical care is keeping us alive into our 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Yet families ignore the fact that most of us will be elderly at some time and may need some level of care.
In every family, this is a shifting situation. The child or grandchild you were counting on to look after you could die before you do or become incapacitated. We ALL say we don’t want to live if we’re unable to care for ourselves, but we really don’t have a choice. That’s why planning is essential.
This book is twenty years old, but some of the advice still holds. If your parent was a veteran or the spouse of a veteran, you need to check for VA benefits. What he doesn’t say is that you need to KEEP asking questions. At government agencies and corporations, nothing is written in stone and employees DO give incorrect answers. Persistence pays off!
This author supervised his parents’ care in nursing homes, but never cared for them himself. That makes a difference. I cared for my mother at home after her stroke for eight years. She was happier and received better care at home and I feel fortunate that I was able to care for her. However, if she had needed nursing home care, her assets would have been used to pay for it.
I can’t agree with this author’s apparent acceptance of gaming the Medicaid system to protect his parents’ assets from being used to pay for nursing home care. This in spite of strong warnings from Medicaid experts that the system is threatened because people are "shielding" their parents' assets instead of paying for the care they need.
The present system leaves the surviving spouse with lifetime use of the marital home and allows them to collect Social Security and other pensions.That’s as it should be, but most of the “shielding” is in favor of assets left to children, not spouses. Why should other taxpayers pay for your parents’ care so you can get an inheritance?
Read this and other books to help you and your family prepare for the possibility of elder care in a responsible, legal, ethical way. Then do the right thing.
August 1, 2020
Good read
Although some information has become dated in the fast growing world of eldercare, the book provides a launch pad for jumping into the complexities of managing the care of elderly parents.
Although some information has become dated in the fast growing world of eldercare, the book provides a launch pad for jumping into the complexities of managing the care of elderly parents.
March 27, 2020
Great book. Insightful experiences. Great comprehensive list tool
March 8, 2017
This is part memoir & part practical, concrete advice. Well written & relatable. I appreciated the author's writing style: smart, serious, caring, & amusing. Definitely well worth the read for caregivers.
August 16, 2009
Fabulous book for people taking care of parents. Lots of practical advice such as what to look for in a nursing home to know if it is a caring environment. I highly recommend this book.
July 31, 2011
Skimmed this one, but will keep on hand for rereading as needed. Part memoir, part reference book about taking care of aging parents. Good one.
August 3, 2016
Entertaining, educational, heartfelt. Enjoyed every word!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews