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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now
Contemporary culture tells us the twenty-something years don’t matter. Clinical psychologist Dr Meg Jay argues that this could not be further from the truth.
The Defining Decade weaves the latest science of the twenty-something years with real-life stories to show us how work, relationships, identity and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood.
Smart, compassionate and constructive, The Defining Decade is a practical guide to making the most of the years we cannot afford to miss.
Included in this updated
· Up-to-date research on work, love, the brain, friendship and technology
· What a decade of device use has taught us about looking at friends – and looking for love – online
· A social experiment in which ‘digital natives’ go without their phones
· A reader’s guide for book clubs, classrooms or further self-reflection
The Defining Decade weaves the latest science of the twenty-something years with real-life stories to show us how work, relationships, identity and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood.
Smart, compassionate and constructive, The Defining Decade is a practical guide to making the most of the years we cannot afford to miss.
Included in this updated
· Up-to-date research on work, love, the brain, friendship and technology
· What a decade of device use has taught us about looking at friends – and looking for love – online
· A social experiment in which ‘digital natives’ go without their phones
· A reader’s guide for book clubs, classrooms or further self-reflection
337 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 4, 2024
204 people are currently reading
1427 people want to read
About the author
Meg Jay
26 books423 followersShe is a clinical assistant professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.
Dr. Jay’s book, The Defining Decade, was a 2012 Slate.com Staff Pick and her 2013 TED talk “Why 30 Is Not the New 20″ has been viewed more than 2 million times. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Psychology Today, and NPR.
Dr. Jay earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.
At Berkeley, Dr. Jay was a research associate on the Mills Longitudinal Study, one of the longest-running studies of female adult development in the world. Her research on women, depression, and gender was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association and as the Symonds Prize article in Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Her work on the assessment of depression has been published in Psychological Assessment.
An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.
Dr. Jay has served as a fellow for the American Psychoanalytic Association, the Center for the Study of Sexual Cultures, and the Robert Stoller Foundation.
Dr. Jay earned a B.A. with High Distinction in psychology from University of Virginia. She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.
Dr. Jay’s book, The Defining Decade, was a 2012 Slate.com Staff Pick and her 2013 TED talk “Why 30 Is Not the New 20″ has been viewed more than 2 million times. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Psychology Today, and NPR.
Dr. Jay earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.
At Berkeley, Dr. Jay was a research associate on the Mills Longitudinal Study, one of the longest-running studies of female adult development in the world. Her research on women, depression, and gender was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association and as the Symonds Prize article in Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Her work on the assessment of depression has been published in Psychological Assessment.
An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.
Dr. Jay has served as a fellow for the American Psychoanalytic Association, the Center for the Study of Sexual Cultures, and the Robert Stoller Foundation.
Dr. Jay earned a B.A. with High Distinction in psychology from University of Virginia. She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 92 reviews
July 18, 2025
“Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. … Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.”
January 31, 2024
The last chapter of this book was the only chapter I enjoyed. I believe in an optimistic reader and try to take away what applies to me. However this book is written in anecdotes and really drives home the cookie cutter good job good partner good family before you’re too old and then sad. I think if that’s not the life you do envision for yourself you may finish this book feeling a bit disheartened.
I found reading the way Meg Jay apparently spoke with her clients as rude and unprofessional she interjected her options on how the world should work. I think there is some merit to some of her thoughts around staying in tough jobs to grow and learn - but it also important to mention the lasting effects high levels of stress can have on a person and when to let go.
Yes your career is important and you won’t evolve without pushing yourself but there’s line and I think the chapter in this book crossed it.
I will say I agreed with parts of the partner chapter about values and the introduction of OCEAN characteristics I think this applies to romantic and friend relationships.
Overall this book is not the kick in the teeth I needed maybe in when I’m forty I will think back and wish I listened to the advice given. But also maybe I won’t many people have there big break into there career later in life.
I really don’t see what the fuss about this book is all about
I found reading the way Meg Jay apparently spoke with her clients as rude and unprofessional she interjected her options on how the world should work. I think there is some merit to some of her thoughts around staying in tough jobs to grow and learn - but it also important to mention the lasting effects high levels of stress can have on a person and when to let go.
Yes your career is important and you won’t evolve without pushing yourself but there’s line and I think the chapter in this book crossed it.
I will say I agreed with parts of the partner chapter about values and the introduction of OCEAN characteristics I think this applies to romantic and friend relationships.
Overall this book is not the kick in the teeth I needed maybe in when I’m forty I will think back and wish I listened to the advice given. But also maybe I won’t many people have there big break into there career later in life.
I really don’t see what the fuss about this book is all about
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 4, 2025
Hard truths 🤯
February 6, 2025
If you are between 19 and 30, I'd definitely recommend giving the book a try. You will find useful insights and answers and reflection prompts to help you navigate the seemingly endless and short, sweet yet chaotic years that are your twenties.
The book encourages you to be intentional and take action towards a future that you dream of - or reminds you that starting to think about a dream is a first important step of getting there! It helps to find structure in an uncertain decade with many (more or less) relatable stories and science-backed arguments.
It targets the big questions around work, love, and life in general that can seem to overwhelming and distant to think about in your twenties, and motivates you to sit down and curiously start finding answers for yourself.
As with any book that somehow aims to provide individual advice, one should take it with a grain of salt. Be it the author's sometimes rough tone (which, I assume, is mostly due to compressing weeks and months of therapy sessions into one paragraph to provide a short and graspable lesson), a quite conventional view on what twentysomethings want in life, and some oversimplifications that could suggest that twentysomethings are an utterly homogenous group.
Nevertheless, I recommend reading the book, and take what resonates, inspires, and lifts you up, and put aside what doesn't.
The book encourages you to be intentional and take action towards a future that you dream of - or reminds you that starting to think about a dream is a first important step of getting there! It helps to find structure in an uncertain decade with many (more or less) relatable stories and science-backed arguments.
It targets the big questions around work, love, and life in general that can seem to overwhelming and distant to think about in your twenties, and motivates you to sit down and curiously start finding answers for yourself.
As with any book that somehow aims to provide individual advice, one should take it with a grain of salt. Be it the author's sometimes rough tone (which, I assume, is mostly due to compressing weeks and months of therapy sessions into one paragraph to provide a short and graspable lesson), a quite conventional view on what twentysomethings want in life, and some oversimplifications that could suggest that twentysomethings are an utterly homogenous group.
Nevertheless, I recommend reading the book, and take what resonates, inspires, and lifts you up, and put aside what doesn't.
May 28, 2025
Maybe I just didn’t like this book because it humbled me too much. I think that would be a fair comeback.
But I just couldn’t help but feel that it oversimplifies the way to feel successful. Get a job, get a partner, and then you’ll be set for life! Done!
It also conflicts with advice that I’ve heard from people I love and trust, advising me to seize the time when I’m not tied down to live out dreams that won’t be possible later on. Maybe I will regret not getting an earlier start on my long-term career or dating more seriously. But I don’t think I’m ready to accept that this age of freedom is over. These thoughts are internally swirling in my mind, I always wonder if I’m making the wrong decision, and this book made me feel quite lousy for that reason. This review is turning into a diary entry. I’ll stop.
Stand-out quotes:
“Eighty percent of life’s most defining moments take place by age thirty-five.”
- “Our twenties are one of the loneliest times of life.”
- “I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. Like I could swim in any direction but I can’t see land so I don’t know which way to go.”
- “The twentysomething years are a whole new way of thinking about time. There’s this big chunk of time and a whole bunch of stuff needs to happen somehow.”
- “We imagine that if nothing happens in our twenties than everything is still possible in our thirties. We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later.”
- “Take the job with the most identity capital.” (14)
- “Above all else in my life, I feared being ordinary. Now I guess you could say I had a relevation of the day-to-day. I finally got it; there’s a reason everybody in the world lived this way- or at least starts out this way- because this is how it’s done.” (72)
- “In tiny increments, like five-minute ‘smoke breaks,’ your screens are stealing your hours and your days.” (176)
- “Life itself still remains a very effective therapist -Karen Horney, psychoanalyst.” (199)
But I just couldn’t help but feel that it oversimplifies the way to feel successful. Get a job, get a partner, and then you’ll be set for life! Done!
It also conflicts with advice that I’ve heard from people I love and trust, advising me to seize the time when I’m not tied down to live out dreams that won’t be possible later on. Maybe I will regret not getting an earlier start on my long-term career or dating more seriously. But I don’t think I’m ready to accept that this age of freedom is over. These thoughts are internally swirling in my mind, I always wonder if I’m making the wrong decision, and this book made me feel quite lousy for that reason. This review is turning into a diary entry. I’ll stop.
Stand-out quotes:
“Eighty percent of life’s most defining moments take place by age thirty-five.”
- “Our twenties are one of the loneliest times of life.”
- “I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. Like I could swim in any direction but I can’t see land so I don’t know which way to go.”
- “The twentysomething years are a whole new way of thinking about time. There’s this big chunk of time and a whole bunch of stuff needs to happen somehow.”
- “We imagine that if nothing happens in our twenties than everything is still possible in our thirties. We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later.”
- “Take the job with the most identity capital.” (14)
- “Above all else in my life, I feared being ordinary. Now I guess you could say I had a relevation of the day-to-day. I finally got it; there’s a reason everybody in the world lived this way- or at least starts out this way- because this is how it’s done.” (72)
- “In tiny increments, like five-minute ‘smoke breaks,’ your screens are stealing your hours and your days.” (176)
- “Life itself still remains a very effective therapist -Karen Horney, psychoanalyst.” (199)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 25, 2024
I would rate this book 4.5 ⭐️s
As a twenty-five year old I learnt a lot from this book. It gave me a lot of food for thought and I definitely want to make life decisions more intentionally while thinking of the future I want.
As a twenty-five year old I learnt a lot from this book. It gave me a lot of food for thought and I definitely want to make life decisions more intentionally while thinking of the future I want.
April 20, 2025
3.5 so rounded up to 4.
I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about this book but I do think the premise is great.
When I first started reading, I regretted not picking the book up sooner. Like many other readers, there were moments where I thought Meg Jay was talking specifically to me, and she somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear. Offering a different perspective than the ‘you’re in your twenties - you’ve got loads of time; the world’s your oyster’ was refreshing yet hard to stomach at the same time. I felt stressed yet motivated when reading most of this book, and I can’t decide where it falls in terms of helpfulness and reassurance.
The first section, all about our approach to work in our twenties, was the peak of this book for me. But this is not a surprise as this is an area of my life that feels particularly relevant to me right now and therefore the content of this section resonated more. The other sections (Love, and The Mind and the Body) were interesting enough but not as powerful for me. I think the impression that each section leaves on the reader is entirely dependent on the circumstances they are in when they decide to pick up this book.
The Defining Decade is worth reading if you need some guidance or some hard truths, for sure. I think I found it impressionable because the narrative is pretty opposite to what I’m used to hearing about what you ‘should do’ in your twenties. But bare in mind that some of the advice given seems to be based upon traditional or homogenous ideas of life’s chronological and social structure (and how one can fulfil one’s potential), so it’s best taken with a pinch of salt depending on what you value in life.
‘Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds are paralyzing judgments from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams while shoulds feel like oppressive obligations. Shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should even pits us against our own best interests.’
‘I guess you could say I gained humility. I saw that bigness came from investing in what I had, from taking part in what was in front of me.’
‘As criticism blows us every which way, we feel — at work and in love — only as good as the last thing that happened.’
‘A long run of easy successes creates a sort of fragile confidence, the kind that is shattered when the first failure comes along. A more resilient confidence comes from succeeding and from surviving some failures.’
I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about this book but I do think the premise is great.
When I first started reading, I regretted not picking the book up sooner. Like many other readers, there were moments where I thought Meg Jay was talking specifically to me, and she somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear. Offering a different perspective than the ‘you’re in your twenties - you’ve got loads of time; the world’s your oyster’ was refreshing yet hard to stomach at the same time. I felt stressed yet motivated when reading most of this book, and I can’t decide where it falls in terms of helpfulness and reassurance.
The first section, all about our approach to work in our twenties, was the peak of this book for me. But this is not a surprise as this is an area of my life that feels particularly relevant to me right now and therefore the content of this section resonated more. The other sections (Love, and The Mind and the Body) were interesting enough but not as powerful for me. I think the impression that each section leaves on the reader is entirely dependent on the circumstances they are in when they decide to pick up this book.
The Defining Decade is worth reading if you need some guidance or some hard truths, for sure. I think I found it impressionable because the narrative is pretty opposite to what I’m used to hearing about what you ‘should do’ in your twenties. But bare in mind that some of the advice given seems to be based upon traditional or homogenous ideas of life’s chronological and social structure (and how one can fulfil one’s potential), so it’s best taken with a pinch of salt depending on what you value in life.
‘Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds are paralyzing judgments from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams while shoulds feel like oppressive obligations. Shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should even pits us against our own best interests.’
‘I guess you could say I gained humility. I saw that bigness came from investing in what I had, from taking part in what was in front of me.’
‘As criticism blows us every which way, we feel — at work and in love — only as good as the last thing that happened.’
‘A long run of easy successes creates a sort of fragile confidence, the kind that is shattered when the first failure comes along. A more resilient confidence comes from succeeding and from surviving some failures.’
July 4, 2025
Everyone in their 20s should read!
May 5, 2025
Normally I’m not a fan of the self help type books but this one was so so good. I started this book at the perfect time for me and I related to so much of it. The book is a great mix of advice and also case studies which makes it a very easy read. Would recommend this to anyone in their twenties who feel a little lost at this age!
January 13, 2025
This book was amazing! I would recommend to anyone in their 20s.
People have so much to say about your 20s. How to live it, what’s important and what’s not… I find that Meg Jay highlights how important our 20s are. She doesn’t give a defined path that everyone must follow, but rather encourages young adults to take themselves seriously, in a world that often doesn’t.
One of the quotes that stuck with me was “There are things that just are what they are. The smartest thing to do is know as much about them as you can.”
Here’s to a year of learning more!
People have so much to say about your 20s. How to live it, what’s important and what’s not… I find that Meg Jay highlights how important our 20s are. She doesn’t give a defined path that everyone must follow, but rather encourages young adults to take themselves seriously, in a world that often doesn’t.
One of the quotes that stuck with me was “There are things that just are what they are. The smartest thing to do is know as much about them as you can.”
Here’s to a year of learning more!
January 2, 2025
My first non fiction book in a long time and picked up at the perfect time when life feels very confusing and intricate. I saw a lot of myself in the authors clients and gave me a lot of perspective about time and how to use it while enjoying life experiences and also aligning those experiences for how I’d like my life to look 10 or 20 years from now.
January 4, 2025
Good read,
I think that it is important for people in their 20s to have the future in mind as they go about their lives. This book really reaffirms a lot of the beliefs that I had, and has encouraged me to continue putting systems in place to create the best future for myself that I can
I think that it is important for people in their 20s to have the future in mind as they go about their lives. This book really reaffirms a lot of the beliefs that I had, and has encouraged me to continue putting systems in place to create the best future for myself that I can
September 4, 2024
Put most of my thoughts into words. It’s a great push to work for the future you desire for yourself. I enjoyed the identity capital and forward thinking parts. Know a few people in my life that would benefit from reading this.
September 30, 2024
Important book for those in their 20’s
August 14, 2025
Perfect book for someone in their 20s, would love to get everyone to read it as a right of passage
August 5, 2025
Zooo goed deze! Heel blij dat Nadien hem heeft aangeraden. Enorm veel nadenk- en naslagwerk, mijn visie is op meerdere aspecten veranderd hierdoor
February 14, 2025
I am SO glad I read this book at 22. Anyone in their 20s/30s (and even beyond!) can absolutely benefit from the insights within each chapter, but I am grateful to have this knowledge now. I feel so much more inspired to live my life with purpose and intention!
March 24, 2025
Debating between 3 and 4 stars;;;; because- it had some great advice and was very inspirational but it also stressed me the HELL out!! Like… woah I really am not making the most of my twenties and I’m almost half way through and what’s even the point now?!?!! But also that’s just the fault of my personal disposition for dramatics so is it Meg Jay’s jays fault her book stressed me out? Not really. So it’s a 4 star! And now I’m going to carry on being stressed out and paralysed by the pressure to succeed in life!
June 8, 2024
With about 80% of life most significant events taking place by age 35, as 30 something and beyond we largely either continue with or correct for the moves we made during our 20 something years.
The deceptive irony is that our 20 something may not feel all that consequential.
It is easy to imagine life significant experiences begin with big moments and exciting encounters, but this is not how it happens. Researchers found that most of the substantial and lasting events, those that led to carrer success, family fortune, personal bliss, or lack there of, developed across days or weeks or months with little immediate dramatic effect. The importance of these experiences was not necessarily clear at the time, but in retrospect the subjects recognized that these events had sharply defined their futures. To a great extent our lives are decided by far-reaching 20 something moments, we may not realize are happening at all.
-The cohabitation effect
Carter was a great 20 something boyfriend, but he's no 30 something husband and he's never going to be.
-On dating down
She never chose her boyfriends or sex partners, she let them choose her. She became involved with almost any man who showed interest. She often responded to the 2 AM booty text, accepting even the finest excuses about why the person did not text earlier. Her attitude about any man who came along was "this could work".
Every problem was once a solution.
The power to not feel unattractive and insecure, the power to feel special. And if a man doesn't want you, you feel unspecial? if someone doesn't want me, I feel awful. My confidence goes down, if there isn’t a guy in my life, it's like a desert to me. Each person who wants me feels like an oasis. I feel like I have to drink up. I have to take whatever I can get. If I don't find someone, I view it as being rejected by everyone.
-Being in like
People love those who are like themselves, Aristotle philosopher. What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility, Leo Tolstoy writer.
-Calm yourself
She knew these worries didn't actually prevent problems, but continuously imagining the worst did protect her from being cut off guard when something did go wrong. This worries kept her from feeling surprised, but they did so by keeping her body in a chronically negative aroused state. Sustained worrying drives heart rate up and raises levels of cortisol, or stress hormone.
You have to get some roots and stand in the wind.
-Getting along and getting ahead
Goals have been called the building blocks of adult personality, and it is worth considering that who you will be in your 30s and beyond is being build out of the goals you were setting for yourself today.
-Do the math
Phrases like "it will work out, you have all the time in the world". At the same time 20 something exploits are met with more enthusiastic cliché such as "you're only young once, have fun while you can". These messages encourage risk taking and now or never behaviors, that don't actually make us happy for long: blowing off responsibility, being lazy, not having a real job. Again and again 20 something here that they have infinite time for the drains of adult things, but so little time for the reportedly good stuff. This makes living in the present easy. It's connecting the present to the future that takes work.
There is a big difference between having a life in your 30s, and starting a life in your 30s.
-Epilogue
Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do, you are deciding your life right now.
The deceptive irony is that our 20 something may not feel all that consequential.
It is easy to imagine life significant experiences begin with big moments and exciting encounters, but this is not how it happens. Researchers found that most of the substantial and lasting events, those that led to carrer success, family fortune, personal bliss, or lack there of, developed across days or weeks or months with little immediate dramatic effect. The importance of these experiences was not necessarily clear at the time, but in retrospect the subjects recognized that these events had sharply defined their futures. To a great extent our lives are decided by far-reaching 20 something moments, we may not realize are happening at all.
-The cohabitation effect
Carter was a great 20 something boyfriend, but he's no 30 something husband and he's never going to be.
-On dating down
She never chose her boyfriends or sex partners, she let them choose her. She became involved with almost any man who showed interest. She often responded to the 2 AM booty text, accepting even the finest excuses about why the person did not text earlier. Her attitude about any man who came along was "this could work".
Every problem was once a solution.
The power to not feel unattractive and insecure, the power to feel special. And if a man doesn't want you, you feel unspecial? if someone doesn't want me, I feel awful. My confidence goes down, if there isn’t a guy in my life, it's like a desert to me. Each person who wants me feels like an oasis. I feel like I have to drink up. I have to take whatever I can get. If I don't find someone, I view it as being rejected by everyone.
-Being in like
People love those who are like themselves, Aristotle philosopher. What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility, Leo Tolstoy writer.
-Calm yourself
She knew these worries didn't actually prevent problems, but continuously imagining the worst did protect her from being cut off guard when something did go wrong. This worries kept her from feeling surprised, but they did so by keeping her body in a chronically negative aroused state. Sustained worrying drives heart rate up and raises levels of cortisol, or stress hormone.
You have to get some roots and stand in the wind.
-Getting along and getting ahead
Goals have been called the building blocks of adult personality, and it is worth considering that who you will be in your 30s and beyond is being build out of the goals you were setting for yourself today.
-Do the math
Phrases like "it will work out, you have all the time in the world". At the same time 20 something exploits are met with more enthusiastic cliché such as "you're only young once, have fun while you can". These messages encourage risk taking and now or never behaviors, that don't actually make us happy for long: blowing off responsibility, being lazy, not having a real job. Again and again 20 something here that they have infinite time for the drains of adult things, but so little time for the reportedly good stuff. This makes living in the present easy. It's connecting the present to the future that takes work.
There is a big difference between having a life in your 30s, and starting a life in your 30s.
-Epilogue
Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do, you are deciding your life right now.
June 26, 2025
The author uses real life examples of 20-somethings to explain the ideas she is trying to get through to the reader. It’s easy to identify with them and learn from both their mistakes and victories. The author has a deep understanding of what these years are like, how the 20-something mind works, and the real-life problems and dilemmas we face. Definitely worth a read/listen for anyone in their 20s.
July 27, 2025
Very engaging accounts of a handful of 'TwentySomethings' that pushed me to be more intentional in life about all things work, love and health.
Reddit reviews about this book say that it could be perceived as too conservative by some, but as what could sound as an unpopular opinion- it gave me a vantage view on how life could look like a decade down the line and what I can do to pick my happy path.
I am very impressed, so much so that I can't wait to give this to my kid for his/her Twentieth birthday!
Reddit reviews about this book say that it could be perceived as too conservative by some, but as what could sound as an unpopular opinion- it gave me a vantage view on how life could look like a decade down the line and what I can do to pick my happy path.
I am very impressed, so much so that I can't wait to give this to my kid for his/her Twentieth birthday!
December 13, 2024
Meg Jay’s The Defining Decade is often said to be essential reading for anyone in their twenties, and while it offers some interesting perspectives, I found it lacking in nuance and weighed down by assumptions that didn’t quite resonate with my own experiences.
As someone currently navigating my twenties, I disagree with the author’s overarching premise that most people in this age group are simply coasting or delaying major life decisions under the assumption that they can “figure it out” in their thirties. This generalization feels outdated and unrepresentative. Most people I know do, in fact, see their twenties as “defining,” which is why so many of us put immense pressure on ourselves to achieve success.
The book might have been more compelling if it had explored this pressure in greater depth—the kind that can become so overwhelming it leads to paralysis. Rather than procrastinating or being indifferent about their futures, many young people fear failure to such a degree that they end up stuck, not because they don’t care, but because they care too much. This fear of making the “wrong” move can be crippling, and I wish the author had examined how this anxiety shapes our decision-making.
That said, The Defining Decade does have moments of valuable insight, particularly in encouraging readers to take their twenties seriously and use this time intentionally. But its effectiveness is diminished by Jay’s reliance on anecdotes and her tendency to extrapolate broad conclusions from a small, selective sample of clients. Her advice feels rigid at times, leaving little room for diverse experiences or alternative paths through early adulthood.
While I appreciate the book’s intention to spark self-reflection and purposeful action, it ultimately fell short for me. Its assumptions about young people and their priorities felt overly simplistic, and its failure to address the pressures and fears unique to our generation was a missed opportunity
As someone currently navigating my twenties, I disagree with the author’s overarching premise that most people in this age group are simply coasting or delaying major life decisions under the assumption that they can “figure it out” in their thirties. This generalization feels outdated and unrepresentative. Most people I know do, in fact, see their twenties as “defining,” which is why so many of us put immense pressure on ourselves to achieve success.
The book might have been more compelling if it had explored this pressure in greater depth—the kind that can become so overwhelming it leads to paralysis. Rather than procrastinating or being indifferent about their futures, many young people fear failure to such a degree that they end up stuck, not because they don’t care, but because they care too much. This fear of making the “wrong” move can be crippling, and I wish the author had examined how this anxiety shapes our decision-making.
That said, The Defining Decade does have moments of valuable insight, particularly in encouraging readers to take their twenties seriously and use this time intentionally. But its effectiveness is diminished by Jay’s reliance on anecdotes and her tendency to extrapolate broad conclusions from a small, selective sample of clients. Her advice feels rigid at times, leaving little room for diverse experiences or alternative paths through early adulthood.
While I appreciate the book’s intention to spark self-reflection and purposeful action, it ultimately fell short for me. Its assumptions about young people and their priorities felt overly simplistic, and its failure to address the pressures and fears unique to our generation was a missed opportunity
December 11, 2024
This was a recommendation given to me to read by my therapist. Assisted me greatly at a time where I really needed to hear this information. The pressure on our 20s is immense and ultimately there is no way to feel like you are doing it correctly. In fact I think that is impossible. Great read really recommend for anyone who thinks they are stuck in a rut in their 20s.
August 26, 2024
I read this book in the lead up to my birthday each year, and resonate with a different part of it every time. I read it the first time when I was 19, and it’s incredible to see how much I still take away from it
June 9, 2025
It was nice to read the book as a nice reminder of some things. For me I think it would mean more if I read this two or three years ago. it was like friendly reminder that each thing counts and adds up. Miracles just don’t happen you create them! :)
July 11, 2024
couldn't recommend this more. such a great read and i'm glad i read it in my twenties!
July 18, 2024
I think I should read this every week 😛
September 14, 2024
Everyone in their twenties should read this book. Literally everyone. Answer all the prompts in the back as a therapeutic exercise! Be inspired! I am!
December 30, 2024
2.5 - felt a bit judge mental, especially for a therapist, but I could take the pieces of advice I wanted from it so still a good read
June 23, 2025
not that helpful and a bit cliche, was expecting more. also seemed to have quite old fashioned advice regarding most people wanting to settle down and have kids.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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