Slow Dancing with a Stranger: Lost and Found in the Age of Alzheimer's

by Meryl Comer

A New York Times Bestseller

Emmy-award winning broadcast journalist and leading Alzheimer’s advocate Meryl Comer’s Slow Dancing With a Stranger is a profoundly personal, unflinching account of her husband’s battle with Alzheimer’s disease that serves as a much-needed wake-up call to better understand and address a progressive and deadly affliction.

When Meryl Comer’s husband Harvey Gralnick was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease in 1996, she watched as the man who headed hematology and oncology research at the National Institutes of Health started to misplace important documents and forget clinical details that had once been cataloged encyclopedically in his mind. With harrowing honesty, she brings readers face to face with this devastating condition and its effects on its victims and those who care for them. Detailing the daily realities and overwhelming responsibilities of caregiving, Comer sheds intensive light on this national health crisis, using her personal experiences—the mistakes and the breakthroughs—to put a face to a misunderstood disease, while revealing the facts everyone needs to know.

Pragmatic and relentless, Meryl has dedicated herself to fighting Alzheimer’s and raising public awareness. “Nothing I do is really about me; it’s all about making sure no one ends up like me,” she writes. Deeply personal and illuminating, Slow Dancing With a Stranger offers insight and guidance for navigating Alzheimer’s challenges. It is also an urgent call to action for intensive research and a warning that we must prepare for the future, instead of being controlled by a disease and a healthcare system unable to fight it.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Health, Biography, Medical, Science, Psychology

240 pages, Hardcover

First published September 2, 2014

Reviews

[Judy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting book. I had a hard time putting it down. However, I'm not sure that I believe all of the author's heroics. The book seems to be very self-serving. I'd love to hear from one of the nurses or the step-son to find out if the author is as wonderful as she portrays herself. The author mentions maybe one time when she was less than saintly to her husband. If he was so dangerous and uncontrollable, a lot of this account just isn't believable. The author is also fortunate to have the income to hire shifts of full-time nurses to help her out, so that her care-giving is not 24/7. Maybe I would be more trusting of her account if someone else praised her, other than herself. I also felt that she did not help me to know her husband and mother as real people, except for their (mostly) bad qualities.

[Wren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been reading several dementia memoirs in the last two years, and Comer distinguishes herself by taking a more blunt and pragmatic approach to the topic. She's an award-winning journalist, so a "just the facts" approach seems to make sense. I've read several dementia memoirs by people trained in the field of humanities, and they interject a lyric, poetic, metaphoric and philosophical quality. Or at least, they plumb the depths of how Alzheimer's alters relationships and identity. Not so with Comer.

She takes her husband's (and then later her mother's Alzheimer's and puts it in a chair in an otherwise empty room with a naked lightbulb harshly shining a light on the issue. Alzheimer's is brutal, messy, chaotic and painful for everyone involved.

She starts by describing her husband, Harvey Gralnick, a research scientist at NIH. He is intelligent, driven, willful and sophisticated. His behavior and memory become altered, and it takes her a very long time to get an accurate diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's Disease--in part because of lack of awareness of the disease in early oneset, in part because he is so smart that people resist such a diagnosis, and in part because other physicians out of professional courtesy prefer to discount Comer as an interfering spouse instead of validating her as a family informant. (I was INFURIATED at that passage featuring the dismissive physician.)

Once Gralnick's work performance disintegrates to the point of making a public spectacle, people finally believe it's not just stress. But even with an accurate diagnosis (after two years of seeking one), there are very few options for addressing his problems. Gralnick doesn't just have memory problems; his behavior is a huge problem. I have volunteered in a skilled nursing facility that includes residents with dementia. And Gralnick's behavior is on the most difficult extreme of the spectrum. He's uninhibited and aggressive to the point of physically lashing out at others. Comer has trouble finding a facility that will accept him, and getting in-home help is a challenge as well. Anti-psychotic medicine and sedatives bring a host of undesirable side effects. It was heartbreaking to watch Comer explore multiple options only to remain just about where she started.

Comer's account clearly shows the hopelessness of current Alzheimer's treatment (as in, THERE IS NO TREATMENT!) So much time, so much energy, so much money -- and no results.

Comer is now working with a nonprofit organization ( Geoffrey Beene Foundation Alzheimer's Initiative) that's seeking a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, and her book certainly serves as a compelling case study for why it's vital to find a cure.

[Sharon Orlopp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meryl Comer, an Emmy award-winning reporter, TV producer, and talk show host has created a memoir that is not for the faint of heart. She gave up her career once her husband, Dr. Harvey Gralnick, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's while in the prime of his life at age fifty-eight. She spent twenty years being his caretaker and watching the disease ravage his mind.

Early in the book, this passage stands out, "This was the pendulum along which our lives now swung: months of lucidity punctured by sudden, inexplicable rages."

Comer's book tackles very tough issues, including the struggle to get a diagnosis, the impact on their marriage, and issues of violence. Comer's mother, suffering from Alzheimer's, also moved in with them.

If you want an up-close, unvarnished personal story about Alzheimer's, this is the book for you.

Highly recommend!

[Carole Sustak · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had very conflicted emotions as I read this book. As a caregiver to my mother who suffers from what is thought to be vascular dementia, I was able to relate to the way this disease had taken over her husband's personality and took away the relationship that used to be between the two of them. I was in awe of the way she dropped her professional life in order to care for her husband at home. I totally related to the poor treatment she experienced at the outside facilities. I also related to the enormous expense this disease infringed upon them. Where I started to wane in sympathy for her heroics was when she told of how she took on the role of CEO and such of the Beene Foundation; pulling together fundraisers and concerts. Now, having been involved in fundraising during my own lifetime, I find the story start to move into a fairytale stage. Caregiving 12-hours a day and pulling together fundraisers seems outside of human capability. She definitely gave the impression she was totally involved in her husbands' day to day care...to the point of total exhaustion. However, she also had a team of four or five nurses and care takers. It just didn't add up.

While this was an insight into the life of an Alzheimer's patient, it was more a book about how courageous the author was. This tainted the story for me.

[Bennee · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I moved back to my hometown as my mother turns 86 and my father turns 89. We just found out about 2 months ago that my mom has Alzheimer’s. As my mom gets worse, my husband and I will move into my parents home and become her caregivers. My father is not the kind of person who would be taking care of my mom. I am scared…

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ms. Comer makes some important points: Caregivers must be listened to and cared for; early diagnosis is critical yet difficult to achieve; and the Alzheimer's Association does us no service when the disease is portrayed in "thirty-second television ads showing a benign image of a little old lady with slowly-fading, sepia-toned memories."

I am grateful the author has told an unvarnished account of caregiving for a husband with early-onset dementia. I am concerned that the author refers to the disease as Alzheimer's, without mentioning any of the other possible dementias--at a time when true diagnosis could only have been made upon autopsy. There are other dementias and they need to be included in the larger discussion.

The author's husband has survived for 20 years with this disease. A related book to read is Knocking on Heaven's Door, which deals with how our medical system tends to keep us all alive longer than we would wish to live.

[Menna Yehya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was definitely one of the hardest books I ever read.

I genuinely cannot understand the things people have said to review this book, like for example: “this was just a self serving book”. PLEASE, be grateful that you haven’t experienced how hard it is to be a full time care provider to a loved one, especially for a disease
that strips one’s full cognitive control and a disease that STILL to this day does not have a cure yet.

I can’t not fathom how strong Meryl was to fully look after her husband AND her mother, and also trying to figure out this vicious disease when no one knew a thing about it, no words could ever be enough.

This book truly made me feel not alone, and made me rethink so much of the past, no one truly knows when this disease starts, so you just keeping questioning everything that happened that might have been the start of it all, but you can never know.

“His personality is as also shifting from type A in overdrive to something more aggressive, egocentric and emotionally abusive.”

No one talks about how this disease can fully changes a person’s traits, and how scary it could be.

“A demented mind sees only its own reality.”

This book truly showed everything, how flooring and hard everything is, for the patient for and the caregiver.

“No disease should be allowed to have as its victims both the patient and the caregiver. But it is exactly what is happening every minute of every day.”

It is also hard to carry on and fully give care without being enraged by the circumstances of it all, losing jobs, personal goals, abandoning hobbies, losing the ability to fully relax, losing friends, and just losing your own self.

“..then I feel so guilty because it’s not his fault; it is the disease that is my enemy. I fell like I am disappearing with him into the abyss.”

“Despite the family stories, my mother seethed with anger and bitterness. I wondered if it was the creep of dementia that seemed to dismantle the social filters of her personality. Was she too tired to hide emotions she had always felt?”

There are so much more; this book is seriously so transparent, Meryl did not shy away from anything and this is what the world needs, nobody deserves to go through this, it breaks my heart that this is still the reality of countless families, we barely have resources in this day and age! This is so maddening!

Thank you Meryl for writing this despite all.
Your husband and mother would have thanked you too.

[Sharon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I certainly feel sorry for the author, having had to care for loved ones with the terrible illness of dementia. However, as with so many other reviewers, I found myself thinking that it would have been better had her editors helped her with some of the confusing time jumps and general confusion in the writing. The husband and the mother, as well as the stepson, and even her own son, seem very flat and unreal. Apparently, we are to only feel for the author, as there really isn't much about anyone else except the occassional mention of their character flaws and inabilities. To judge her decisions, or those of anyone in her situation, shouldn't be attempted, as care-giving is fraught with challenges that we all second guess. I'm sure that there are others who would read this book looking for help and guidance, and think how much better they would have had it, had they the money Mrs. Comer had at her disposal. I am glad that she is attempting to bring dementia related illnesses more into the public eye.

[Christina Dudley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty unputdownable train wreck of awfulness, reading about how the author's husband got early-onset Alzheimer's and LIVED ANOTHER 20 YEARS and was still alive at publication. Which meant he was strong (occasionally violent) AND unreasonable, and she was unable to keep working or find a satisfactory alternate living situation for him, and then her mom had to go and get dementia too. Then there was the estranged stepson who wasn't much help and the revelation that, before she even knew he was going down the cognitive slope, they had a marital crisis that made him unsympathetic (to me).

It was helpful in reading this to know that I do NOT have what it takes to be a full-time caregiver to someone who never gets better--only worse--and that I should send in those long-term care insurance premiums without grumbling.

Hoping the next Alzheimer's book I downloaded will be more helpful and hopeful.

[Jody Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

So spot on and freaking true.

[Vontel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a poignant personal story about being a caregiver for her husband, an eminent medical practitioner and researcher, who developed early-onset Alzheimer's in the days before it was fully recognized. While detailing her challenges as a caregiver, as life with her husband unfolded--and he has lived 19 years, no doubt in part to her role in his care--it is interspersed with more facts about Alzheimer's, and her more recent parallel journey as President and CEO of the Geoffrey Beane Foundation Alzheimer's Initiative. Although her circumstances(financial,personal and professional) are more privileged than many, and allowed her to organize additional caregivers for her husband's care at home (and later including her mother in the same as she developed Alzheimer's, the grind and challenges of being a caregiver, to someone who is disappearing as a person, are eloquently portrayed. I highly recommend this book.

[Lindajc · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book probably deserves another half-star for being so candid and informative, but the pointless last chapter dampened my enthusiasm. Having gone through my mother's 8 years of dementia , I am amazed by Comer's massive strength and will, but question her decisions again and again. She blames her husband's denial and his doctors for a slow diagnosis, but those strike me as being her own resistance. As she relates it, Harvey's dementia (whether Alzheimer's or another form) is apparent in many ways well before making plans begins. So many things could have been done, so many sources of help could have been tapped. Ah well, it's a miserable situation and we all end up second-guessing ourselves. And book editors,who must take some responsibility for repetitions and confusing time jumps. Still, I will recommend the book to anyone starting down this dark road.

[Hillary · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author tells her story bluntly and without guile. Her brilliant physician husband developed early-onset Alzheimer's & she cares for him at home because no placement worked out for various reasons. Then her mother developed Alzheimer's & joined them in their home. I cannot imagine how the author maintained the physical and emotional strength to provide care for them while also starting an Alzheimer's foundation. This is an incredible story.

[Andreia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Painful and raw. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. These stories do help one know they aren't alone in experiencing some of the bizarre, frustrating, exhausting daily realities of the disease

[Anita · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book shows the true horrific details of this disease, but I agree with others that it was a bit self-serving.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A devastating but necessary book about the challenges of long-term caregiving. Comer writes about the parts of this journey that most people would prefer not to talk about: the way dementia transforms our relationships with our loved ones, the way caregiving decimates professional and financial lives. If you're looking for a feel-good memoir about a noble caregiver who does it all for love--this isn't it. But if you want an honest look at the lives of dementia patients and the people who love them, this is the book you're looking for.

If you read through older reviews of this book, you'll see a general thread that criticizes the author for making herself seem "too heroic" and shifting the focus of the memoir from her husband to herself. That's a really good reflection of the way caregivers are viewed, in general: they're not supposed to have lives beyond their loved ones, and they're certainly not supposed to have ambitions of their own. (I suspect this is largely because the vast majority of caregivers are women.) But Comer mentions the need to go back to work is partially driven by the need to financially support her husband's care. How that happens without her taking on the important job that's offered to her, I don't know. She also mentions working from home in order to supervise his care herself, rather than outsourcing that care to a nursing home as his health declines. As far as I'm concerned, "heroic" is the only word that applies.

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest Account of life with Alzheimer's

A 5 star rating indicates that I've learned some new points not covered in other similar books I've read. Being a caregiver for 20 years is double what I would have anticipated. What happens when a man is too strong, too angry, too difficult to be accepted into a medical facility? What about dental care? Is the solution pulling out the teeth? Does the continual stress increase the likelihood of the caregiver developing dementia? In the interest of getting more research funding, how much of your private life would you allow filmed for a documentary? For research purposes, would you do genetic testing, have periodic testing of your cognitive skills, have brain imaging done? As it is a progressive disease, as the caregiver ages, the physical and emotional demands also increase? Would you want to know at an early stage so you can develop a plan and sign documents about financial and medical decisions or would you go into denial and continue to drive and hide your career struggles knowing you are risking the safety of others? What would you do if both your spouse and your mother or middle-class ages child both had dementia requiring a lot of care? Is she a hero, a martyr, a saint or a regular woman with great determination and perseverance?

[Murrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't know too many people who wrote publicly, the close-up truths in caring for an Alzheimer's victim. In fact, most of the experiences that I have heard occur amongst my elder friends and relatives are hush hushed. While the clouds of a living grief are thick, everyone knows that those who care for the stricken, work very, very hard and long but are uncomplaining due to their great love for their charges This book burns away the mists to tell it like it really is. And thank you author Meryl Comer for being brutally honest. Those of us who have not yet perhaps, encountered this dreaded illness are afraid to ask the truths, but no more shall we. It always seems that a thick drape hides both the hiding victims and their caregivers. Books such as this one, will help stimulate more interest financially in finding ways of curbing or perhaps one day, fixing the problem. When I read Comer's words, I imagined the great cost behind the care she gave her beloved husband but it takes only someone with that kind of money available to do it. I think too many succumb to much worse experiences because they simply don't have it. While I admire Comer, it is mostly for her work in getting out there to convince, for folks like Mr. Beene putting their big money where their mouths are. Alzheimer's chooses all walks. Thank you Meryl.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, Meryl Comer, for sharing such a powerful personal story! This book relates the very real dilemmas and road blocks a family encounters when facing Alzheimer's.

I especially liked her description at the very beginning of the disease when loved ones begin to expect something's not right. I have experienced this with my father and now my mother-in-law. There are incidents that, at the time, you think are odd. They are out of character enough that you relate what happened to another person. But then something big happens and you realize that something really is wrong. It was comforting to read another person's account.

For my dad, a consummate handyman, the incident was when he painted his hammer a bright yellow "so that it would look better." For my mother-in-law, it was an irate phone call berating me for not calling to say we were home from a trip - something completely out of character for this sweet lady.

Then, you start looking back for signs you had missed. You ask, "When did the problems begin?" Meryl Comer does an excellent job sharing her thoughts and worries with the reader.

It is not a happy book but a very honest telling of what life is like with an Alzheimer's patient. I applaud her work to look for answers to this very devasting disease!

[Betsy Milan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Harrowing, Important, Informative

In a time of a large aging population, this account of living with an Alzeimer's patient as a caregiver is as important it is informative. The realities of the cost of caring for a loved one--in economic, social, and physical term--is almost unimaginable. From the early days of being unable to obtain a definitive diagnosis through challenging personality changes to inadequate and even harmful medical treatments and finally trying to manage life during a years long final stage, the challenges of being a wife and caregiver are eloquently described, questioned, and affirmed. The author was positioned in some respects to have support close at hand, but even with her advantages, she had to sell all her assets, drain her bank accounts, and give up her career to provide the assistance demanded by her husband's condition. All I could think was of the many people without her advantages who were struggling through these same difficulties without outside help. The book ends on a hopeful note, but still I am left feeling that this is a cruel, isolating disease equally for the patient and the spouse.

[Susan Stewart · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an intense look at the true story of a doctor who gets early-onset Alzheimers and his wife who took care of him for more than twenty years. At one point the author's mother, also suffering from Alzheimer's, moves in with them and she has to take care of both of them. There are no happy endings when it comes to dementia, but the author was able to find a better sense of self when she was asked to speak to Congress and then to begin a non-profit organization for caregivers and their loved ones suffering from this horrible disease.

This book is well-written and interesting. If you have ever wondered what it would be like to have Alzheimer's and what a caregiver goes through while caring for a loved one with the disease, this book will give you a very clear idea. I recommend this book to anyone interested in diseases that alter people's lives, and interested in Alzheimer's specifically.

[Patricia Rudolph · Rating 5 out of 5]

My LO has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's officially for 5 years. Memory was lost, didn't remember his mother, or past life, acted like a 12 yr old. he was 75, He had some terrible night as he kept asking to go to the bathroom and get up at night. The doctor prescribed a sleeping pill (zolpidem), but it had a very bad side effect on him (delusions and hallucinations) and we decided not to give it any more and went for the Neuro X program that was introduced to us by his primary care doctor, he was on the Neuro X program for Alzheimer’s disease from Uine Health Centre for 6 months. The treatment relieved symptoms significantly, After the treatment he’s all of a sudden back active again, almost all his symptoms are gone, no signs of agitations, his sleeps pattern are back to normal. His memory loss has greatly improved, and he tells stories about his past life, we got the Neuro X program from uinehealthcentre. com

[Alison Gavin · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is difficult for me to rate this book so low, but I hated it. It started off interesting but took a turn midway. I agree with other reviewers who said the author seems self aggrandizing. Most of the book read as one big complaint about how horrible the life of a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer’s is. I was confused about the point of the book, so I kept reading to find out. After finishing, I’m still not sure. Is the point of her book is to let the world know how difficult & expensive caregiving is? Is the point to encourage more people to donate or advocate for Alzheimer’s research? Or is it to let other caregivers know they aren’t alone? Additionally, the format of the book was confusing, especially the second half. She jumps all over the place, and she talks about her son but never really gives him a voice. Ugh, so disappointed.

[Ro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let's start with - I commend and am in awe of every caretaker. Whether you cared for your loved one at home, used day care, had respite or visited in a facility, it is an incredibly difficult job and you so often lose parts of yourself as well. So in that aspect, I applaud Meryl Comer.

Now where this book didn't quite work for me. She gave up everything, social life, career, herself, to care for a husband who cheated on her, always put her second and as the disease progressed was violent. Your loved one kicks your teeth out? You need to reconsider how safe this situation is. She says after his infidelity, which she caught in their own bed at Christmas, the Alzheimer's "saved their marriage" even as she admits that had the tabled been turned Harvey would definitely not have cared for her in the same way. It is unfortunate, but I really started to question her. She pulled together a fundraiser in three weeks while caring for dementia patients 12 hours a day?

Having worked with dementia/Alzheimers/TBI patients I know how difficult care can be, especially for aggressive patients.

[Ron Enfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is heartbreaking and informative. Meryl Comer wrote an intimate story about caring for her husband with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. It tells of her husband’s decline into dementia, the difficulty of getting a diagnosis, and her life as a caregiver. In her difficult struggle to understand and adapt to her husband’s dementia, her experiences often resembled those of other caregivers in my Alzheimer's support group. She lived through what caregivers often face, but have trouble explaining to others who have not experienced it themselves. For anyone faced with the inexplicable behavior of a loved one who may be in early stage dementia, Slow Dancing with a Stranger gives a preview of difficulties that can lie ahead, and possible strategies to deal with them.

[Darlene Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book. Meryl Comer has been caring for her husband for 20 years. At the age of 58, he was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's. Ms Comer made the choice to care for her husband at home as much as possible, and as the book shows, this was not an easy task. By the end of the book she's caring for her husband, who's now in the late stages of the disease, and also caring for her mother, who has dementia. She also had nurses to help her, but an enormous amount of work fell on Ms Comer.
I think this is an important book that everyone should read. We never know when Alzheimer's might touch our own lives.

[Sheila Severino · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suspended in time

As the daughter of a woman who died from complications of Alzheimer's I was spellbound by the honesty and grief so honestly written. The fact that this horrific disease took her sister as well scares me. Everyone says I have an incredible memory. Like Ms Comer I too worry that I am next. I will be recommending this book to anyone I know or meet who is dealing with this thief of memories. The 90 year old neighbor caring for her husband at home and the friend whose 43 year old daughter is being tested for early onset. All of you are heroes whether you know it or not.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Former newscaster Meryl Comer's account of her husband, Dr. Harvey Gralnick, fit and trim in his mid 50s, as he descends into the madness that is Alzheimer's Disease. To make matters worse, Meryl's mother is also diagnosed with the same fate.
It's not a pretty story and it's not a happy ending, but then it rarely is for those who suffer from the literal loss of everything that makes up a human life. It takes everything, mental and physical, to keep the household in place while the caretaker goes through a change of their own, giving up even the most simple escapes for fear of not being there when they're needed the most.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can’t get this book out of my mind. Having many relatives who are living with dementia, I can’t imagine giving the level of tireless almost superhuman care the author gave to her husband. It was a very raw look of the challenges of getting a good diagnosis in the early stages, the fear of people finding out and writing you off, the constantly being “on call”, the toll on the care giver and the lack of support. I was amazed to learn that the author’s husband lived 24 years after being diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in his 50’s, quite rare. I listened to the book on Audio read by the author. At times it felt like she was close to tears. It was a difficult but important listen.

[Adrienne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a nonfiction book by Meryl Comer, a tv news reporter, about her life as a caretaker for her husband. Her husband, Harvey, developed early onset Alzheimer's. He was a renowned blood cancer specialist and researcher. Meryl chose to keep him at home while she became his primary caregiver with a small team of home health care providers. She chronicled his deteriorating condition and her own heart-wrenching struggles to care for his basic needs. This is a very difficult, sad story from someone who represents so many others who are going through the same struggle. Thankfully, the book is relatively short, but a necessary story to tell. 4 stars.