In Rude Health: The funniest and most explicit stories from the NHS

by Robbie Guillory

From the man with a device lodged far inside his body whose batteries refuse to run out to a woman with a plunger super-glued to her vagina, In Rude Health recounts real life tales from the coal face of the NHS. From doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, psychiatrists and dentists come a range of eye-popping, side-splitting acts of misadventure that have had the medical profession weeping into their face masks as they attended to members of the great British public in their hour of need. From the publishers of UK Booksellers Association Top 5 Christmas book, 101 Uses of a Dead Kindle, In Rude Health is a riotous account of the weird, the warped and the whacky ways we end up in the hands of the medical profession.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Comedy, Medical, Medicine, British Literature

119 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 7, 2013

Reviews

[Literary Ames · Rating 4 out of 5]

Get ready to laugh your f*cking arse off. Actually "Sexy and I Know it" is the perfect soundtrack for this one. Brace yourself.

Cat and Mouse

An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought in to us by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 999. Upon examination, he was found to have a large lump on his forehead and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The lump was obviously from a fall of some kind, but we couldn’t work out the cause of the scratches until he’d woken up. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this deliciously pendulous target. The man wasn’t sure what had happened next, but clearly he’d jerked forward to protect his package and cracked his skull on the edge of the bath.

Chilli-filled vagina, unchoreographed slapstick, some harmless bestiality, many an ESA (Embarrassing Sexual Accident), fat nurse gets comeuppance, battered woman not actually battered... by a human - nothing is what it appears. You can't make this shit up.

One surgeon has removed from rectums: an unbroken lightbulb, a smashed champagne glass, a prosthetic arm, many toothbrushes, a large rubber ‘Hulk’ fist (and again, two years later), many eggs,  and a stapler.

And I'm not sure why but losing an eel up the arse is more common than I'd originally thought.


(Click to see eel in human intestine story)

Also, penis augmentation - why?

An elderly male came in to the surgery with a steel cock ring stuck behind his scrotum and penis, both of which were swollen to four times their usual size (he told us with pride). I asked him how long he had been in this predicament, to which he replied, ‘Three days.’ I asked, ‘Why didn’t you come in sooner?’ His answer: ‘I could still pee, and the wife was happy...’

Men. SMH.

A warning to those that are sexually active and like a drink:

Rip it Up and Start Again

We were called to an attempted suicide in a student flat. A young couple had been drinking, had a fight, then made up, before falling into a deep sleep. The girlfriend had woken in the early hours, with the sensation that she was soaking wet. Turning on the bedside light and pulling back the covers, she was horrified to discover they were both drenched in blood, huge amounts of it.

She quickly worked out she was okay and it seemed her boyfriend had been driven to try and kill himself as a result of the fight the previous evening. He was unconscious. She called 999 immediately.

When we arrived she was hysterical. The bed was a mess. Like that scene in The Godfather. There was even blood on the walls. But something wasn’t right. We couldn’t find any incisions in his wrists or on his thighs. Although he was totally unconscious his pulse and breathing were normal.

After further examination, it appeared the source of the blood was around his groin area. But again no cuts. My colleague then had a brainwave. He peeled back the lad’s foreskin and sure enough, his frenulum (the piece of skin that runs between the foreskin and the head of the penis – also known by Paramedics as the banjo string) was completely ripped. There was a lovely gaping wound right up to the urethra. Believe it or not, a remarkably common injury when couples have sex drunk – caused by lack of lubrication.

You have been warned.

Paramedic, Anglesey

When the health professionals get to have a little fun:

A man was brought in with a bad case of concussion, which had resulted in extreme short-term memory loss. I’d walk into the room and tell him he had a concussion and he’d explain he had one when he was a kid. This was repeated every time I walked into the room. After about 10 times of doing this, I walked in and told him he had a concussion and he’d had one before when he was a kid. Mind blown. Priceless.

When you realise humanity is doomed:

I asked him if he’d been travelling overseas recently or eaten anything off or odd. This is what he told me: ‘Well, I was at a brothel last night and I may have swallowed some water in the communal spa they have there, would that count?’ And I had to treat this guy.

These two went viral a few years ago:

Fire in the Hole

‘In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the hamster,’ Philip told colleagues in the Severe Burns Unit he’d been rushed to. Philip and his partner William had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. ‘I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Gerald, our Campbell’s hamster, in,’ he said. ‘As usual, Will shouted, “Apocalypse!” – our safe word that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Gerald, but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.’ The match must have ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Philip’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to Gerald’s fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestinal tract, propelling the hamster out like a cannonball. Philip suffered second-degree burns and a suspected broken nose from the impact of the hamster, while William suffered first and second-degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. I never heard what happened to Gerald the hamster.'

Burned to be Wild

A woman was cleaning up the mess left by her hairy biker husband after he’d decided to strip his motorcycle engine on the kitchen table before putting the parts back together and taking it for a spin. One of the things he was using was a bowl of petrol (apparently it is great for getting rid of grease). She took this bowl and, not knowing what to do with the contents, decided to pour them down the loo. Her husband came back, lit a cigarette and, happy with his bike, went to the bathroom. As he did a wee he threw his cigarette end into the loo. The explosion brought his wife running upstairs, where she found him crumpled against the wall, having been blown backwards through the door, his hair, beard, eyebrows and pubes burnt off and his clothes smouldering. She dialled 999 and we came and took care of him. Hopefully he’ll remember to clean up his own mess in the future...

Do you know how long it took me to write this review? I read this aloud on Christmas Day. Too many quotes I wanted to include; half the book was copied here, and I had to cut it down.

To all the firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, emergency call handlers, dentists and every other health professional, thank you for your service and your stories.

[Alice-Elizabeth (Prolific Reader Alice) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars!

Rude, outrageous and bizarre are the three words I will describe about with In Rude Health. Due to the subject content, this is most definitely not for younger readers. I laughed, gasped and often yelled "what the hell?!" repeatedly. Try getting through this without big reactions... it's a challenge!

[Ines · Rating 4 out of 5]

I used this book to pass time while waiting in line. It is very easy to read, it has one short story per page and is hilarious! I learnt some people can shove anything where the sun does not shine. I ended up sharing some of these stories with friends and we all had a laugh together. If you are not squimish, this is perfect to have a laugh, and although some stories are totally forgettable it is worth for the ones that are not.

[Tracey Wheeler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not hilarious as I'd hoped but definately funny. Also far to short a book. I would love to see at least 3 times as many enteries in to the idiots activities. I'm sure most health professionals could have written that many stories themselves so I look forward to the next book

[Anju · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously, I can't imagine how people can do such crazy, horrible things to themselves!!...fun to read though!

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a collection of rather entertaining, bizarre, and/or cringe-worthy stories from the front-lines of healthcare in the UK. Some of them are fairly common tales (e.g. "I fell on it..."), but others are rather more unusual.

As the name suggests, this probably isn't a book for the easily shocked or offended. It's not particularly graphic or obscene, but it deals with some issues which, suffice it to say, you probably shouldn't bring up at the dinner table.

Unfortunately, the stories are short, and there aren't very many of them. I read the whole book in an hour or two, so don't expect to get much mileage out of it. I found it enjoyable though.

[Kade Gulluscio · Rating 3 out of 5]

This waas my second go-round at reading this, because I honestly don't remember reading this in 2020, haha. That should tell you how many books I read I suppose.

This is an Uk-based book with comical medical stories. It's definitely on the shorter end with only 120ish pages. The stories are told in short-form, so it's VERY easy to get through this book quickly.

I enjoyed most of the stories. Although I do have to say there were a few that were worded a bit offensively in terms of how they spoke about one patient's appearance & weight.

Other than that, it was easy to read and follow.

[Jacob Chinchen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book which, while amusing, does function mainly on the following assumptions:-

* People in the healthcare profession are vastly superior to the rest of us.
* Stories that totally happened to a friend of a friend of a friend.
* The unending need by members of the human race to shove things that do not belong up an arsehole up an arsehole.
* Or up their penis.
* Or into their foof.
* Everyone loves a list of things that have been pulled out of said arseholes.

[Laura Clode · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is truly hilarious. Very short and funny. People truly can be idiotic and odd this made me smile and giggle more than a few times and the only criticism I give is to the other reviewers who say it's rude of the drs to be so nasty as to call patients idiots, as human beings we are idiot, some more than others. This book is funny and a great short read.

[Kerry · Rating 1 out of 5]

thought this book would be funny but I was disappointed, some of the stories are funny however I think the way in which the stories are written are rude and unkind. I seem to think that one of them refers to a patient as an idiot.

[Laura Clode · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is truly hilarious, this book made me giggle more than a few times and the only criticism I give is directed to those who think otherwise. People are idiots sometimes and these cases are pretty funny examples of human nature at its stupidest. Lol

[Lisa Malone · Rating 2 out of 5]

mildy amusing, but mostly stories I've heard myself while working in the nhs. Took me literally 15 minutes to read? so id wait till amazon are offering it free rather than buy it!

[Marc Corn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cracked up with laughter all the way through, so many stories would bring you to tears with laughter, while others would leave you thinking 'how did they manage that?' Well worth a read.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it! I thought it was hilarious!!

[M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny little book that made a fantastic gift for a friend. Definitely cheeky and we had a good laugh over it.

[Aimee Jean]

So So Funny!! Had Me In Stiches!! Some People!! If You Need A Cry Laugh Get This Book!!!!!!

[Olivia Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was really funny and the illustrations were fantastic. It’s quite like “This is going to hurt” by Adam Kay, but more concise.
Most of the stories were really funny/ silly, some felt like they couldn’t possibly be true. Overall 4*

[Sandra "Jeanz" · Rating 3 out of 5]

So, approaching reading this book I was in a bit of a reading block. I just couldn’t decide what to read. Then when I did try to read a book or two I ended up not being able to get into them. I came to the conclusion that I needed to read something different to my usual genres to snap me out of the reading block. So I went on Amazon.co.uk and looked under humour and found this book.

This book contains the weird and wonderful predicaments that people get themselves into and end up having to ask for medical help to get themselves out of. I would imagine there were lots of red faces when some of these incidents happened.

I decided to share just one of the stories in the book that isn’t an 18+ rated!

It is titled as “The Eyes Have It” – A drunken male staggers into a hospital in Manchester, complaining that no matter how he tried he could not get his contact lenses out. Apparently, the contact lenses would come half the way out but then somehow snap back in! A nurse attempted to remove the contact lenses and failed so the Dr was called in, who examined the man’s eyes and found out the man did not have any contact lenses in!!

My immediate thoughts upon finishing reading the book was that it is a great selection of short stories put together in a book that ended up being a funny fast paced read. I would say the book is definitely 18+ due to certain stories that are involving "private parts" both Male & female.

To sum up I would say this is a great book to read on a short journey or during break-time at work.

[Kels B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well this was my first book in this kind and I was not left disappointed. This amused me and my partner immensely. Some of them we were left saying 'really? Who would do that?'.

This is one of those books you can pick up at anytime and read one or two if your are waiting for the adverts to finish or waiting for the kettle to boil.

I read this all the way through but I do wish I have read bits so I know when I needed a pick me up I had one waiting for me in this book.

[Tyrannosaurus regina · Rating 1 out of 5]

I could forgive this being cruel if it was at least funny, but it really wasn't. Instead of some new well-told tales about the medical profession—which, let's face it, can be mortifyingly hilarious sometimes—I got a bunch of things I'd heard before and a bunch more than weren't even really anecdotes, just a kind of funny thing someone said one time. Not to mention the ones that were essentally "It's funny because she's fat, geddit?"

[Aspin · Rating 2 out of 5]

As one other reviewer said it's definitely not laugh out loud funny it's not even the funniest book I've read this week and the other book was an historical crime novel.

It was presumably written by a child because there is actually no attempt to add any humour to the stories at all. It's like telling jokes with the punchlines only. A man fell down a hole boom boom. It's just not funny.

[Denise Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well worth a read

As a health professional I loved every minute of this book, largely because it's so true these incidents really do happen. I think that's what made it so enjoyable. A real laugh out loud book that had all the family clutching their sides with laughter!
An excellent tonic!

[Barbara Tennant · Rating 1 out of 5]

Complete waste of time and money

Poorly collated bunch of stories. Not the funniest in my opinion, spend an hour in any staff room with doctors and nurses and you'll easily come up with better.
Read this in one sitting, hoping it would improve.
Won't be looking for anything else from this author.

[Becca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Finished in a single sitting. A bit miffed that i paid for it really as it was so very brief. It was laugh out loud funny in places, but I had expected something more substantial after reading the sample. Illustrations added an extra layer of hilarity

[Jennie Richmond · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was mid reading slump when I came across this book - thought I’d give it a go. LOVED it! Giggled my way through the whole thing! Lovely light hearted little collection of anecdotes guaranteed to cheer you up!

[Jen Webb · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. Got a little bored with this one and gave up on 40% the stories are short and choppy, some are funny.

[A.L. Butcher · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit short, and read more like a blog post. Some of the stories were amusing but not all. Worth a brief laugh but that is about it.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cracking book! We quite often talk about these kind of things at work with doctors/nurse who have worked in a and e so its fab to read and know yup that happens!

[Sheerie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Working in a hospital, I thought I would find this funny. However, some of the tales have been being told for years. Also, I felt it rather condescending and uncaring to some of the incidents.

[Alison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was ok, quite funny. Read it in a couple of hours