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Immortal Pleasures
An ancient Aztec vampire roams the modern world in search of vengeance and love in this seductive dark fantasy from the author of The Haunting of Alejandra.
Hundreds of years ago, she was known as La Malinche: a Nahua woman who translated for the conquistador Cortés. In the centuries since, her name has gone down in infamy as a traitor. But no one ever found out what happened to La Malinche after Cortés destroyed her people.
In the ashes of the empire, she was reborn as Malinalli, an immortal vampire. And she has become an avenger of conquered peoples, traveling the world to reclaim their stolen artifacts and return them to their homelands.
But she has also been in search of something more, for this ancient vampire still has deeply human longings for pleasure and for love.
When she arrives in Dublin in search of a pair of Aztec skulls—artifacts intimately connected to her own dark history—she finds something else: two men who satisfy her cravings in very different ways.
For the first time she meets a mortal man—a horror novelist—who is not repelled by her strange condition but attracted by it. But there is also another man, an immortal like herself, who shares the darkness in her heart.
Now Malinalli is on the most perilous adventure of all: a journey into her own desires.
Hundreds of years ago, she was known as La Malinche: a Nahua woman who translated for the conquistador Cortés. In the centuries since, her name has gone down in infamy as a traitor. But no one ever found out what happened to La Malinche after Cortés destroyed her people.
In the ashes of the empire, she was reborn as Malinalli, an immortal vampire. And she has become an avenger of conquered peoples, traveling the world to reclaim their stolen artifacts and return them to their homelands.
But she has also been in search of something more, for this ancient vampire still has deeply human longings for pleasure and for love.
When she arrives in Dublin in search of a pair of Aztec skulls—artifacts intimately connected to her own dark history—she finds something else: two men who satisfy her cravings in very different ways.
For the first time she meets a mortal man—a horror novelist—who is not repelled by her strange condition but attracted by it. But there is also another man, an immortal like herself, who shares the darkness in her heart.
Now Malinalli is on the most perilous adventure of all: a journey into her own desires.
304 pages, Paperback
First published April 16, 2024
95 people are currently reading
12492 people want to read
About the author
V. Castro
61 books1,187 followersHi ! Thank you so very much for picking up my books. You can also check out www.lamuertemarket.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 318 reviews
November 12, 2023
without malice. almost with affection. this is one of the worst things i have read in my adult life. like ok GORGEOUS cover right, absolute stunner. haven't read the author's other stuff but will devour anything about la malinche. right in my genre. i want to stress that i read this as generously as possible and my reading experience was mostly wiping away tears so i wouldn't go into hysterics on public transit. when it is coherent it is kind of like christopher pike with 2023 mainstream sff race politics. when it is incoherent, which is most of the time, it is closer to my immortal with 2023 mainstream sff race politics. if it understood what it was doing was inherently funny it could approach the glory of melissa de la cruz's blue bloods with 2023 mainstream sff race politics. but it is so so so serious about what it is doing even though what it is doing is so so so consistently deranged. not 'weird' as in challenging or edgy 'weird' as in why... did you do that. And why did you say it like that.
i don't really know if it would make sense for me to critique the book as such, because its failures of form and structure are so absolute. like yes the sentences are bad individually and worse together and the plot doesn't make sense and none of the characters are in real pursuit of anything that drives the plot or have distinguishable traits or relationships and its anticolonialist drumbeat fails to affect the narrative or alternate history in any meaningful way and it doesn't give its vampire heroine anything in particular to do for the five hundred years between her turning and the present and the editing is so lax that the tense flips multiple times per paragraph or repeats a single phrase twice in the same sentence. like what's the point of saying "this is how you fix x" when you are still left with a-w, y, and z. it is an astonishingly comprehensive fuckup. it is an all-time grade-a "how did this get made". when i say it doesn't make sense to talk about what's wrong with it i mean that the problems don't explain... what happens in the book, both in terms of events or in terms of author habits. here are some small examples of what i mean:
you see what i mean. more specific and pressing questions present themselves.
i don't really know if it would make sense for me to critique the book as such, because its failures of form and structure are so absolute. like yes the sentences are bad individually and worse together and the plot doesn't make sense and none of the characters are in real pursuit of anything that drives the plot or have distinguishable traits or relationships and its anticolonialist drumbeat fails to affect the narrative or alternate history in any meaningful way and it doesn't give its vampire heroine anything in particular to do for the five hundred years between her turning and the present and the editing is so lax that the tense flips multiple times per paragraph or repeats a single phrase twice in the same sentence. like what's the point of saying "this is how you fix x" when you are still left with a-w, y, and z. it is an astonishingly comprehensive fuckup. it is an all-time grade-a "how did this get made". when i say it doesn't make sense to talk about what's wrong with it i mean that the problems don't explain... what happens in the book, both in terms of events or in terms of author habits. here are some small examples of what i mean:
you see what i mean. more specific and pressing questions present themselves.
November 13, 2023
one-star book. Five-Star Experience. no review I could write could possibly be more entertaining or informative than just giving you the list of every sentence I highlighted while reading this. spoiler cuts contain the sexually explicit ones (and also one actual spoiler). please......... please enjoy
My belly moans like a siren looking for shipwrecked sailors to devour.
“You've got those black eyes, that beautiful skin that is so intoxicating.” I know this to be true. Too much of me will give a normal man cirrhosis of the liver eventually.
The questions were large clams snapping at the bottom of the ocean wanting to make a pearl out of me.
More sweat leaked from my entire body in gourdfuls.
My experience of not being accepted, respected, or loved as a brown woman by colonizer men made me self-conscious, about myself and also my vampire nature.
Being this close to him makes my
Her words hit me in the center of my chest even harder than the bass from the music.
The anticipation of seeing Colin again is so great, my belly feels like a cave filled with bats ready to take flight.
With her hot-blooded gaze, she flicked her feathered, bouncy honey blond hair and scoffed, “No, no.”
“I hope they are burning in hell while feeling the constraints of the tight corsets some of us were forced to wear.”
He's wearing a tweed newsboy cap, jeans, and a black T-shirt that reveals one tightly sculpted arm with a sleeve of tattoos. Is he strong? It makes me want both of his arms holding me against a wall with him inside of me.
Our gazes lock when his group begins to say their goodbyes. His eyes are the color of stormy coastal waters and mine are so dark they look nearly black, or so I'm told. Suddenly my thighs are slick
There was a proper male heir to my father's position. So at twelve years old I was sold to another tribe, where I learned Mayan until I was bartered again at the age of sixteen to the people of Tabasco. To this day I can't sniff the stuff people put on tacos and eggs because for me Tabasco was just another betrayal, another place I had to go without any say or control.
It is not my place to judge others' choices. Not with what I have witnessed or have done to survive. We are all made from equal measures of the stars. And so, while hard drugs are a no for me,
The room felt heavy and hot from the heat emanating from the Spanish men
We lay in bed, his belly full of hair rising and falling filling me with disgust but at the same time giving me the courage to escape his clutches.
Tiny spiders of pleasure scuttle across my nervous system.
He thrusts
If we were in my homeland, I'd be preparing our traditional food, full of chili, onion, and maize. Instead, I have pulled up a few easy dishes from Pinterest.
Blood and sweat makes a salty-sweet umami taste that tumbles around my mouth causing my
His blood is life, his love salvation, and his body the cherry and whipped cream on top.
I want to take the bottle and throw it hard against the wall until it shatters with all its red-orange contents splattering everywhere. Cholula. It reminds me of the eventual massacre there.
Then I have to catch myself: When I think more closely about it, I can barely stop from gasping at the realization we are both misunderstood, solitary, and mysterious figures from history.
His breath escaped through his nose and slapped against my cheek and ear.
I don't speak, only kiss him with the softness of marshmallow melting over an open flame.
Like Martin, her skin was pale, but her eyes had the black sheen of blood on an obsidian blade at night.
My feet shuffled away at the same speed I shuffled toward Cortés when I brought to him whatever he required when he first arrived.
The butter leaves little resistance as I move my hips so that my
He was too busy planning something... it had to be some sort of attack. “Patli, have there been any executions lately or any talk of a rebellion?” In that moment we heard gunshots followed by shouts in the distance.
The coldness of his lips makes my hand jerk away slightly as if his saliva has permeated my skin and frozen inside my veins.
I can sense that his pulse is still elevated, and the scent of his sweat remains strong in my nostrils. I know these are signs of deep fear because my previous victims emitted the same physical reactions when I stalked them.
Hernán glances at Horatio. “You can go now, meatball.”
His façade drops, and he morphs to Mr. Hyde-level wild. The thready veins around his eyes grow and throb like maggots fattened on his blood. Fangs spurt saliva as he screams, “Fine! I want what is inside of your bones!”
That Alexander was unable to capture Hernán worms its way through him like a slippery eel. Every evasion and missed opportunity cause the eel to grow larger.
Nothing existed for him outside of her fleshy fortress.
“Both of us had a birth of sorrow and came out spiritually breech.”
The cracks in his pupils show me heartache but also the hidden radiance he possesses inside. I want to cover his body with my kisses, coat him in my saliva like a shield—
He moves, and I can feel his knuckles brush against mine. I have a deep desire to hook four of my fingers with his. And then, as if the energy in my body desires to connect with the energy in his, I feel my hand move in his direction. Four of my fingers latch onto the pads of his fingertips.
On rainy days he enjoyed how the rain would fall in sheets
Small droplets clinging to the curve of rose petals reminded him of the tears on the faces of his victims as they begged for their lives in the moonlight.
Our first interaction was not one of sex. It was deeper. To this point in time our movements around each other still feel like a tango, where he is the cello, deep and brooding, and I the piano.
“Thank you. I will,” said Alex in his luxuriously deep voice.
And what better way than to
The streetlights are now streaming across his nude, sculpted six-foot body. A large shadow of a cross from the outline of the windowpane rests in the center of his chest. Meanwhile, I take my time unbuttoning my cardigan. Each button I undo takes our passion up a degree.
“Fuck you, Hernán. You will answer for your entire existence,” Alexander says in a calm, determined tone.
His burning eyes that are completely blank are fixed on me.
“Then I saw what Hernán would do if he caught you. His rage sounded like a gong in my brain.”
Jesus was a man. He didn't doubt that. But what would lesser men than Jesus do with vampire power?
genuinely feel like I should be rating this five stars. I haven't had this good a time since I discovered the Internet
My belly moans like a siren looking for shipwrecked sailors to devour.
“You've got those black eyes, that beautiful skin that is so intoxicating.” I know this to be true. Too much of me will give a normal man cirrhosis of the liver eventually.
The questions were large clams snapping at the bottom of the ocean wanting to make a pearl out of me.
More sweat leaked from my entire body in gourdfuls.
My experience of not being accepted, respected, or loved as a brown woman by colonizer men made me self-conscious, about myself and also my vampire nature.
Being this close to him makes my
Her words hit me in the center of my chest even harder than the bass from the music.
The anticipation of seeing Colin again is so great, my belly feels like a cave filled with bats ready to take flight.
With her hot-blooded gaze, she flicked her feathered, bouncy honey blond hair and scoffed, “No, no.”
“I hope they are burning in hell while feeling the constraints of the tight corsets some of us were forced to wear.”
He's wearing a tweed newsboy cap, jeans, and a black T-shirt that reveals one tightly sculpted arm with a sleeve of tattoos. Is he strong? It makes me want both of his arms holding me against a wall with him inside of me.
Our gazes lock when his group begins to say their goodbyes. His eyes are the color of stormy coastal waters and mine are so dark they look nearly black, or so I'm told. Suddenly my thighs are slick
There was a proper male heir to my father's position. So at twelve years old I was sold to another tribe, where I learned Mayan until I was bartered again at the age of sixteen to the people of Tabasco. To this day I can't sniff the stuff people put on tacos and eggs because for me Tabasco was just another betrayal, another place I had to go without any say or control.
It is not my place to judge others' choices. Not with what I have witnessed or have done to survive. We are all made from equal measures of the stars. And so, while hard drugs are a no for me,
The room felt heavy and hot from the heat emanating from the Spanish men
We lay in bed, his belly full of hair rising and falling filling me with disgust but at the same time giving me the courage to escape his clutches.
Tiny spiders of pleasure scuttle across my nervous system.
He thrusts
If we were in my homeland, I'd be preparing our traditional food, full of chili, onion, and maize. Instead, I have pulled up a few easy dishes from Pinterest.
Blood and sweat makes a salty-sweet umami taste that tumbles around my mouth causing my
His blood is life, his love salvation, and his body the cherry and whipped cream on top.
I want to take the bottle and throw it hard against the wall until it shatters with all its red-orange contents splattering everywhere. Cholula. It reminds me of the eventual massacre there.
Then I have to catch myself: When I think more closely about it, I can barely stop from gasping at the realization we are both misunderstood, solitary, and mysterious figures from history.
His breath escaped through his nose and slapped against my cheek and ear.
I don't speak, only kiss him with the softness of marshmallow melting over an open flame.
Like Martin, her skin was pale, but her eyes had the black sheen of blood on an obsidian blade at night.
My feet shuffled away at the same speed I shuffled toward Cortés when I brought to him whatever he required when he first arrived.
The butter leaves little resistance as I move my hips so that my
He was too busy planning something... it had to be some sort of attack. “Patli, have there been any executions lately or any talk of a rebellion?” In that moment we heard gunshots followed by shouts in the distance.
The coldness of his lips makes my hand jerk away slightly as if his saliva has permeated my skin and frozen inside my veins.
I can sense that his pulse is still elevated, and the scent of his sweat remains strong in my nostrils. I know these are signs of deep fear because my previous victims emitted the same physical reactions when I stalked them.
Hernán glances at Horatio. “You can go now, meatball.”
His façade drops, and he morphs to Mr. Hyde-level wild. The thready veins around his eyes grow and throb like maggots fattened on his blood. Fangs spurt saliva as he screams, “Fine! I want what is inside of your bones!”
That Alexander was unable to capture Hernán worms its way through him like a slippery eel. Every evasion and missed opportunity cause the eel to grow larger.
Nothing existed for him outside of her fleshy fortress.
“Both of us had a birth of sorrow and came out spiritually breech.”
The cracks in his pupils show me heartache but also the hidden radiance he possesses inside. I want to cover his body with my kisses, coat him in my saliva like a shield—
He moves, and I can feel his knuckles brush against mine. I have a deep desire to hook four of my fingers with his. And then, as if the energy in my body desires to connect with the energy in his, I feel my hand move in his direction. Four of my fingers latch onto the pads of his fingertips.
On rainy days he enjoyed how the rain would fall in sheets
Small droplets clinging to the curve of rose petals reminded him of the tears on the faces of his victims as they begged for their lives in the moonlight.
Our first interaction was not one of sex. It was deeper. To this point in time our movements around each other still feel like a tango, where he is the cello, deep and brooding, and I the piano.
“Thank you. I will,” said Alex in his luxuriously deep voice.
And what better way than to
The streetlights are now streaming across his nude, sculpted six-foot body. A large shadow of a cross from the outline of the windowpane rests in the center of his chest. Meanwhile, I take my time unbuttoning my cardigan. Each button I undo takes our passion up a degree.
“Fuck you, Hernán. You will answer for your entire existence,” Alexander says in a calm, determined tone.
His burning eyes that are completely blank are fixed on me.
“Then I saw what Hernán would do if he caught you. His rage sounded like a gong in my brain.”
Jesus was a man. He didn't doubt that. But what would lesser men than Jesus do with vampire power?
genuinely feel like I should be rating this five stars. I haven't had this good a time since I discovered the Internet
September 17, 2025
In the pages of history, La Malinche was a woman who translated for the terrible and blood thirsty Hernan Cortes, a conquistador who brutally conquered the native people and mercilessly bled dry natural resources in the Latin Americas. Natives were considered savages, less than human, and violated in the worst ways humanly possible. La Malinche was sold into slavery by her own mother, and she faced horrific atrocities at the hands of her Spanish captors. Viewed as a traitor by her own Nahua people, she focused on putting one foot in front of the other to secure her survival in a new, hostile world.
Her transformation from La Malinche to Malinalli, an immortal Aztec warrior, is a powerfully symbolic one. Malinalli is forged from the hellish infernos of pain and blood and suffering and loss. Once she is free from her humanity and the shackles forced upon her for committing the crime of being a native woman, she becomes the living embodiment of death and vengeance, a true champion for her people. In the current day, Malinalli is an ancient Aztec vampire who deals in antiquities from the ancient world. She collects wayward relics and artifacts far from home and restores them to their rightful places back with her own people. This business has been very lucrative for her, and she has been very satisfied with her purpose in the world thus far; however, she can no longer deny the very human urge to have companionship and fill a persistently lonely void in her ceaseless existence. Her business eventually takes her to Dublin, Ireland where Malinalli serendipitously meets two men---one human and the other a vampire---who both ignite an insatiable, burning hunger inside her. To complicate things even worse, a devil from her past has returned to haunt her, hunt her, and maybe kill her before she has a chance to figure out her newly discovered lust for life. Her past and present stories will cross to create a violent reaction of inexorable events, resulting in a bloody stream of pleasure, love, murder, and betrayal.
Sigh…I really loved the idea of an avenging Aztec vampire, but honestly the delivery just fell short for me in many ways; however, Castro is a gifted writer, and she did many things well! The author did such an awesome job at providing intricate historical context to characters, and it really made all the difference for me with how totally connected I was in their stories, especially Malinalli. I really enjoyed reading about Malinalli’s past and having that background provides the reader with such a deeper understanding of who she is and why she makes the choices she makes. Frustratingly, there were many things I just couldn’t get past. First, like I said before, I really liked the historical backgrounds these characters had but some of them seemed random. Most of them made sense and added to the depth of the story but there were some that did not make sense at all, namely Alexander’s identity. I liked the spicy scenes, though at times they seemed a bit too frequent and unbelievable. More specifically, they were often too detailed and word choice was just downright strange. Additionally, I know this is a fictional story, but the human lover just took things wayyy too well at every turn! She’s a vampire with commitment and genuine intimacy issues he can handle, but after one vampire showdown he realizes her world may not be for him, and there is suddenly a new vampire love interest that he can bestow his blessings to before making a shockingly reasonable but understandably hasty exit??? Finally, Malinalli falling head over heels in love more than once when she has historically been super zipped up and unwilling to be vulnerable is hard to believe. It’s all a bit too ideal and feels pushed. Overall, this was a very creative story, but it disappointed most of my expectations. There were many times where it failed to capture and hold my attention, and I was sort of relieved to reach the ending, despite feeling unsatisfied with how things ended.
Thank you NetGalley and Random House & Ballentine, Del Rey for the ARC and the opportunity to share what I think. All opinions are my own.
Her transformation from La Malinche to Malinalli, an immortal Aztec warrior, is a powerfully symbolic one. Malinalli is forged from the hellish infernos of pain and blood and suffering and loss. Once she is free from her humanity and the shackles forced upon her for committing the crime of being a native woman, she becomes the living embodiment of death and vengeance, a true champion for her people. In the current day, Malinalli is an ancient Aztec vampire who deals in antiquities from the ancient world. She collects wayward relics and artifacts far from home and restores them to their rightful places back with her own people. This business has been very lucrative for her, and she has been very satisfied with her purpose in the world thus far; however, she can no longer deny the very human urge to have companionship and fill a persistently lonely void in her ceaseless existence. Her business eventually takes her to Dublin, Ireland where Malinalli serendipitously meets two men---one human and the other a vampire---who both ignite an insatiable, burning hunger inside her. To complicate things even worse, a devil from her past has returned to haunt her, hunt her, and maybe kill her before she has a chance to figure out her newly discovered lust for life. Her past and present stories will cross to create a violent reaction of inexorable events, resulting in a bloody stream of pleasure, love, murder, and betrayal.
Sigh…I really loved the idea of an avenging Aztec vampire, but honestly the delivery just fell short for me in many ways; however, Castro is a gifted writer, and she did many things well! The author did such an awesome job at providing intricate historical context to characters, and it really made all the difference for me with how totally connected I was in their stories, especially Malinalli. I really enjoyed reading about Malinalli’s past and having that background provides the reader with such a deeper understanding of who she is and why she makes the choices she makes. Frustratingly, there were many things I just couldn’t get past. First, like I said before, I really liked the historical backgrounds these characters had but some of them seemed random. Most of them made sense and added to the depth of the story but there were some that did not make sense at all, namely Alexander’s identity. I liked the spicy scenes, though at times they seemed a bit too frequent and unbelievable. More specifically, they were often too detailed and word choice was just downright strange. Additionally, I know this is a fictional story, but the human lover just took things wayyy too well at every turn! She’s a vampire with commitment and genuine intimacy issues he can handle, but after one vampire showdown he realizes her world may not be for him, and there is suddenly a new vampire love interest that he can bestow his blessings to before making a shockingly reasonable but understandably hasty exit??? Finally, Malinalli falling head over heels in love more than once when she has historically been super zipped up and unwilling to be vulnerable is hard to believe. It’s all a bit too ideal and feels pushed. Overall, this was a very creative story, but it disappointed most of my expectations. There were many times where it failed to capture and hold my attention, and I was sort of relieved to reach the ending, despite feeling unsatisfied with how things ended.
Thank you NetGalley and Random House & Ballentine, Del Rey for the ARC and the opportunity to share what I think. All opinions are my own.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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October 23, 2023QUEEN OF THE DAMNED BUT LATINX??? GIVE IT TO ME
UPDATE: ARC ACQUIRED!
UPDATE: ARC ACQUIRED!
May 13, 2024
Thank you NetGalley and Del Rey for an eARC in exchange for an honest review!
Sometimes I wish I was illiterate.
Immortal Pleasures was an experience. The premise is so good! The cover is good! I liked Castro’s The Haunting of Alejandra, and “an ancient vampire is on a quest for revenge, desire, pleasure, and love” sounded so fun. I was excited, but in the end I mostly felt bamboozled and a little unhinged and insane.
I’m not entirely sure I fully understood what was going on here besides the fact Malinalli is an immortal vampire, who is actually La Malinche reborn in the aftermath of Cortés’ colonization. She wants revenge and to repatriate artifacts from the Aztec Empire, and also she is so, so horny. So horny. Also, John Hawkins is here??? And he’s running an evil skincare brand with Cortés????? And Judas (like, from the Bible) makes an appearance. Because sure, why not.
This was a bizarre reading experience because honestly it was so bad that it was entertaining. Apart from the first couple of chapters, which were promising, each sentence made me feel like I had to be reading satire. And I mean, “seductive dark fantasy?” Okay! Sign me up!! I’m game!!! But this was baffling, and I’m still stuck on Malinalli using butter as lube before anal sex. I mean, there’s a lot of other sex happening but really, this is the one that is going to haunt me.
I cannot in good consciousness recommend this one unless you want to laugh-cry your way through 300 pages of whatever this is.
Sometimes I wish I was illiterate.
Immortal Pleasures was an experience. The premise is so good! The cover is good! I liked Castro’s The Haunting of Alejandra, and “an ancient vampire is on a quest for revenge, desire, pleasure, and love” sounded so fun. I was excited, but in the end I mostly felt bamboozled and a little unhinged and insane.
I’m not entirely sure I fully understood what was going on here besides the fact Malinalli is an immortal vampire, who is actually La Malinche reborn in the aftermath of Cortés’ colonization. She wants revenge and to repatriate artifacts from the Aztec Empire, and also she is so, so horny. So horny. Also, John Hawkins is here??? And he’s running an evil skincare brand with Cortés????? And Judas (like, from the Bible) makes an appearance. Because sure, why not.
This was a bizarre reading experience because honestly it was so bad that it was entertaining. Apart from the first couple of chapters, which were promising, each sentence made me feel like I had to be reading satire. And I mean, “seductive dark fantasy?” Okay! Sign me up!! I’m game!!! But this was baffling, and I’m still stuck on Malinalli using butter as lube before anal sex. I mean, there’s a lot of other sex happening but really, this is the one that is going to haunt me.
I cannot in good consciousness recommend this one unless you want to laugh-cry your way through 300 pages of whatever this is.
April 6, 2024
3.5 stars rounded up
This is a really cool take on a vampire story. Immortal Pleasures follows an ancient Aztec woman turned vampire. It's a mix of modern day and flashbacks to when she was enslaved and impregnated by Cortès and how she became a vampire. In the modern timeline, she buys and sells antiquities and is looking for love while also being hunted. I really like the world-building, the way this puts a different spin on the genre, and the complexities of the main character. And there is a lot of commentary on cultural artifacts and their relationship to colonization which is done reasonably well.
That said, there are a couple of things to be aware of. First, chapter 1 is extremely info-dumpy and lot of the content could have been more smoothly woven into the story. But I can forgive a first chapter being like that. The other thing is that this has quite a lot of explicit sex, but it's not generally written in a sexy way, if that makes sense. I THINK this might be intentional given the story, but there were descriptions that had me kind of cringing. I sometimes read erotic romance so I don't have a problem with the content (though some readers might), but the way it's written doesn't read like a romance novel. So heads up. Overall, I did like this, though it wasn't entirely what I expected. I think if you go in with the right expectations, it might work out better. And I would read more in this world if she decided to continue the story. I received a copy of this book for review from the publisher and read this as part of a blog tour. All opinions are my own.
This is a really cool take on a vampire story. Immortal Pleasures follows an ancient Aztec woman turned vampire. It's a mix of modern day and flashbacks to when she was enslaved and impregnated by Cortès and how she became a vampire. In the modern timeline, she buys and sells antiquities and is looking for love while also being hunted. I really like the world-building, the way this puts a different spin on the genre, and the complexities of the main character. And there is a lot of commentary on cultural artifacts and their relationship to colonization which is done reasonably well.
That said, there are a couple of things to be aware of. First, chapter 1 is extremely info-dumpy and lot of the content could have been more smoothly woven into the story. But I can forgive a first chapter being like that. The other thing is that this has quite a lot of explicit sex, but it's not generally written in a sexy way, if that makes sense. I THINK this might be intentional given the story, but there were descriptions that had me kind of cringing. I sometimes read erotic romance so I don't have a problem with the content (though some readers might), but the way it's written doesn't read like a romance novel. So heads up. Overall, I did like this, though it wasn't entirely what I expected. I think if you go in with the right expectations, it might work out better. And I would read more in this world if she decided to continue the story. I received a copy of this book for review from the publisher and read this as part of a blog tour. All opinions are my own.
November 12, 2023
two stars.... i am being very generous here. here's a list of things that made me scream with laughter.
- shallow and facile. the parts that didn't read like nonprofit web copy read like my immortal.
- our protagonist, a 500yo vampire, has the normal insecurities of a 25yo and tells us about them in therapy speak.
- noted conquistador cortez is there as a vampire running an evil skincare brand and injecting himself with a serum called "Hyde" that makes him Worse. at one point, the book says "Now that he couldn’t sail the oceans in exploration anymore, stalking was his own reward."
- she tells her lover, judas literally iscariot (also a vampire, inexplicably going by "alex"), to enact a fantasy with her and he says "i am your apostle" (a raw line that could be doing something!!!!... in the hands of another writer) and then the fantasy is unbelievably tame.
- the only gay character in the book is the man who invented the english slave trade (well, and his boyfriend george, who has no lines and dies as soon as he appears in person). (nb idt every book is required to have gay people in it to be progressive or whatever but when you're including a gay person to be progressive this is not how you do it)
- the vampires drink blood pouches like they're juice boxes. (the word "silver" is in the paragraph where vamp!judas's identity is revealed but it refers to the blood juice???)
- i don't think there's any history in here that isn't vibes based or pulled from wikipedia
two stars for the two or three ideas with promise, which i'll keep thinking about for a while. was not worth it.
- shallow and facile. the parts that didn't read like nonprofit web copy read like my immortal.
- our protagonist, a 500yo vampire, has the normal insecurities of a 25yo and tells us about them in therapy speak.
- noted conquistador cortez is there as a vampire running an evil skincare brand and injecting himself with a serum called "Hyde" that makes him Worse. at one point, the book says "Now that he couldn’t sail the oceans in exploration anymore, stalking was his own reward."
- she tells her lover, judas literally iscariot (also a vampire, inexplicably going by "alex"), to enact a fantasy with her and he says "i am your apostle" (a raw line that could be doing something!!!!... in the hands of another writer) and then the fantasy is unbelievably tame.
- the only gay character in the book is the man who invented the english slave trade (well, and his boyfriend george, who has no lines and dies as soon as he appears in person). (nb idt every book is required to have gay people in it to be progressive or whatever but when you're including a gay person to be progressive this is not how you do it)
- the vampires drink blood pouches like they're juice boxes. (the word "silver" is in the paragraph where vamp!judas's identity is revealed but it refers to the blood juice???)
- i don't think there's any history in here that isn't vibes based or pulled from wikipedia
two stars for the two or three ideas with promise, which i'll keep thinking about for a while. was not worth it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 15, 2024
Immortal Pleasures by V. Castro was one of my most-anticipated reads this year. The examination of the complex historical figure La Malinche: the Nahua woman who translated for the Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés and her eventual transformation into the ancient vampire Malinalli who seeks to reclaim stolen artifacts and return them to their homelands is an intriguing concept.
The details of Malinalli’s early life-from being sold multiple times before adulthood to the brutality of her time spent with Cortés and her forced role in translating for him to the detriment of her people are both gripping and heart-wrenching. Lacking any form of agency, her desire to survive an existence that is only permitted based upon her exploitation is incredibly sympathetic.
Even when she is eventually granted the power of an immortal vampire, her thoughts are not solely focused upon the revenge that she has earned, but rather preventing further unnecessary bloodshed against her people. It is fascinating to delve into Malinalli’s past and her time spent trying to understand herself and the shape of a life truly within her own hands. I also appreciated the relationships she has with the different women in her life following her vampiric transformation and how they encouraged and supported her.
It is when the story returns to the present and her search for true love that novel suffers slightly. While Malinalli’s yearning for lasting affection and a genuine connection are relatable, the two characters who become her love interests seem somewhat superficial. Malinalli’s unrepentant enjoyment of physical pleasure is also a positive trait, however some of the unusual phrasing present within the sexual scenes early in the novel render them more awkward than titillating.
Nevertheless, I was captivated by Immortal Pleasures despite my initial expectations not being met. The identity of certain characters and the end goals of the antagonists were unexpected and most of the writing was engaging.
Thank you to NetGalley, Random House Publishing Group-Ballantine, Del Rey and V. Castro for giving me access to this ebook. All opinions expressed are solely my own.
The details of Malinalli’s early life-from being sold multiple times before adulthood to the brutality of her time spent with Cortés and her forced role in translating for him to the detriment of her people are both gripping and heart-wrenching. Lacking any form of agency, her desire to survive an existence that is only permitted based upon her exploitation is incredibly sympathetic.
Even when she is eventually granted the power of an immortal vampire, her thoughts are not solely focused upon the revenge that she has earned, but rather preventing further unnecessary bloodshed against her people. It is fascinating to delve into Malinalli’s past and her time spent trying to understand herself and the shape of a life truly within her own hands. I also appreciated the relationships she has with the different women in her life following her vampiric transformation and how they encouraged and supported her.
It is when the story returns to the present and her search for true love that novel suffers slightly. While Malinalli’s yearning for lasting affection and a genuine connection are relatable, the two characters who become her love interests seem somewhat superficial. Malinalli’s unrepentant enjoyment of physical pleasure is also a positive trait, however some of the unusual phrasing present within the sexual scenes early in the novel render them more awkward than titillating.
Nevertheless, I was captivated by Immortal Pleasures despite my initial expectations not being met. The identity of certain characters and the end goals of the antagonists were unexpected and most of the writing was engaging.
Thank you to NetGalley, Random House Publishing Group-Ballantine, Del Rey and V. Castro for giving me access to this ebook. All opinions expressed are solely my own.
May 8, 2024
CW: Very very explicit sexual content
TW: Sexual assault, slavery, abuse, toxic relationships, child abandonment
*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
Hundreds of years ago, she was known as La Malinche: a Nahua woman who translated for the conquistador Cortés. In the centuries since, her name has gone down in infamy as a traitor. But no one ever found out what happened to La Malinche after Cortés destroyed her people.
In the ashes of the empire, she was reborn as Malinalli, an immortal vampire. And she has become an avenger of conquered peoples, traveling the world to reclaim their stolen artifacts and return them to their homelands.
But she has also been in search of something more, for this ancient vampire still has deeply human longings for pleasure and for love.
When she arrives in Dublin in search of a pair of Aztec skulls—artifacts intimately connected to her own dark history—she finds something else: two men who satisfy her cravings in very different ways.
For the first time she meets a mortal man—a horror novelist—who is not repelled by her strange condition but attracted by it. But there is also another man, an immortal like herself, who shares the darkness in her heart.
Now Malinalli is on the most perilous adventure of all: a journey into her own desires.
Release Date: April 16th, 2024
Genre: Horror
Pages: 304
Rating: ⭐
What I Liked:
1. The cover of the book
2. The plot sounded good
What I Didn't Like:
1. 32 references to 🐓
2. It's all sex and barely horror
3. Insta-love
4. The description of all the sex acts
Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}
Honestly, who's in charge of the synopsis of this book? It starts with the longest paragraphs ever explaining this book.
First chapter we meet the author.
I'm not blushing - you are. *hides face*
"Beads of pre-cum call for me to lick it off, wear it like lip gloss."
Ewwwww.
I think I've stepped into the wrong book.
I don't know if I can make it through this book honestly. To people really enjoy reading this? I feel like I'm watching a porno but with my ears.
Then the guy finds out that she's a vampire and calmly lets her sit there and suck the blood out of his wrist. He doesn't freak out he's just like yeah dude you should have all of me. No! That's not how life works. People throw up red flags over having bad teeth. This guy he doesn't care.
Omg omg omg I can't. I just can't go any further with this book. This is the paragraph that broke me;
"While lying on my side , still drowsy, he greets me from behind with his erect cock, the wet tip sliding between my ass cheeks. As my pussy becomes wetter from his cock entering and exiting, he slides toward my anus. It’s stimulated until it pulses like a little sea anemone trying to catch prey. His one arm casts around my own, so that his wrist rests on my mouth. His other hand, coated with lube, continues to tease my little puckered hole, sending shockwaves of titillation to my toes."
No no no no!
Final Thoughts:
Dnfed on page 70.
I thought this was horror but it felt more like I was reading a porno erotica book. There is so much sex in this book. I really tried to pay attention to the story beyond, but it felt like the story was erotica with hints of horror.
All the descriptions of all the sex acts were just grossing me out. The way they're described is so extreme and just gross. I'm not a prude but I didn't sign up for this book to be so over the top sexual. I am not a reader of smut as it just gets so boring. Everytime I could learn about La Malinche it jumps right into a sex scene with the author. I'm not a fan of books that talk about how women are sexually assaulted and then the next chapter they have mind blowing sex. It's odd and I never know what to take from that.
This was my 3rd book from the author and I'm going to call it - it's my last book. Lots of people enjoy her writing and what a POC author has to say, those are the parts I enjoy getting to learn and read, but sadly this book pushes all that down to have a horny vampire.
IG | Blog
Thanks to Netgalley and Ballantine | Del Rey for the advanced ebook copy of the book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
TW: Sexual assault, slavery, abuse, toxic relationships, child abandonment
*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
Hundreds of years ago, she was known as La Malinche: a Nahua woman who translated for the conquistador Cortés. In the centuries since, her name has gone down in infamy as a traitor. But no one ever found out what happened to La Malinche after Cortés destroyed her people.
In the ashes of the empire, she was reborn as Malinalli, an immortal vampire. And she has become an avenger of conquered peoples, traveling the world to reclaim their stolen artifacts and return them to their homelands.
But she has also been in search of something more, for this ancient vampire still has deeply human longings for pleasure and for love.
When she arrives in Dublin in search of a pair of Aztec skulls—artifacts intimately connected to her own dark history—she finds something else: two men who satisfy her cravings in very different ways.
For the first time she meets a mortal man—a horror novelist—who is not repelled by her strange condition but attracted by it. But there is also another man, an immortal like herself, who shares the darkness in her heart.
Now Malinalli is on the most perilous adventure of all: a journey into her own desires.
Release Date: April 16th, 2024
Genre: Horror
Pages: 304
Rating: ⭐
What I Liked:
1. The cover of the book
2. The plot sounded good
What I Didn't Like:
1. 32 references to 🐓
2. It's all sex and barely horror
3. Insta-love
4. The description of all the sex acts
Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}
Honestly, who's in charge of the synopsis of this book? It starts with the longest paragraphs ever explaining this book.
First chapter we meet the author.
I'm not blushing - you are. *hides face*
"Beads of pre-cum call for me to lick it off, wear it like lip gloss."
Ewwwww.
I think I've stepped into the wrong book.
I don't know if I can make it through this book honestly. To people really enjoy reading this? I feel like I'm watching a porno but with my ears.
Then the guy finds out that she's a vampire and calmly lets her sit there and suck the blood out of his wrist. He doesn't freak out he's just like yeah dude you should have all of me. No! That's not how life works. People throw up red flags over having bad teeth. This guy he doesn't care.
Omg omg omg I can't. I just can't go any further with this book. This is the paragraph that broke me;
"While lying on my side , still drowsy, he greets me from behind with his erect cock, the wet tip sliding between my ass cheeks. As my pussy becomes wetter from his cock entering and exiting, he slides toward my anus. It’s stimulated until it pulses like a little sea anemone trying to catch prey. His one arm casts around my own, so that his wrist rests on my mouth. His other hand, coated with lube, continues to tease my little puckered hole, sending shockwaves of titillation to my toes."
No no no no!
Final Thoughts:
Dnfed on page 70.
I thought this was horror but it felt more like I was reading a porno erotica book. There is so much sex in this book. I really tried to pay attention to the story beyond, but it felt like the story was erotica with hints of horror.
All the descriptions of all the sex acts were just grossing me out. The way they're described is so extreme and just gross. I'm not a prude but I didn't sign up for this book to be so over the top sexual. I am not a reader of smut as it just gets so boring. Everytime I could learn about La Malinche it jumps right into a sex scene with the author. I'm not a fan of books that talk about how women are sexually assaulted and then the next chapter they have mind blowing sex. It's odd and I never know what to take from that.
This was my 3rd book from the author and I'm going to call it - it's my last book. Lots of people enjoy her writing and what a POC author has to say, those are the parts I enjoy getting to learn and read, but sadly this book pushes all that down to have a horny vampire.
IG | Blog
Thanks to Netgalley and Ballantine | Del Rey for the advanced ebook copy of the book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
April 11, 2024
DNF at 40%.
Me while reading this book: OH MY GOD THIS PROSE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I LOVE THE GOTHIC VAMPY VIBES AND THE AMBIANCE IS STUNNING AND IMMERSIVE
Also me while reading this book: *dry heaves constantly* WHY IS THE IMAGERY DURING SMUT LIKE THIS?!?!? HELP.
From his cock being compared to an "electric eel bringing her to Bride of Frankenstein life" to her pussy feeling like its full of bees buzzing causing sticky honey to leak from the honeycomb", I ended up seriously DNFing at 40% after the comparison of her "anus pulsing like a sea anemone trying to catch prey" during some butt play.
This book more than likely would've been a 5 star without the strange imagery that very much triggered my aroace gag reflex cause the plot was lovely and the characters were so well done. oh well maybe a lot of other people would be fine with it but im particularly sensitive with weird imagery during spicy scenes.
Me while reading this book: OH MY GOD THIS PROSE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I LOVE THE GOTHIC VAMPY VIBES AND THE AMBIANCE IS STUNNING AND IMMERSIVE
Also me while reading this book: *dry heaves constantly* WHY IS THE IMAGERY DURING SMUT LIKE THIS?!?!? HELP.
From his cock being compared to an "electric eel bringing her to Bride of Frankenstein life" to her pussy feeling like its full of bees buzzing causing sticky honey to leak from the honeycomb", I ended up seriously DNFing at 40% after the comparison of her "anus pulsing like a sea anemone trying to catch prey" during some butt play.
This book more than likely would've been a 5 star without the strange imagery that very much triggered my aroace gag reflex cause the plot was lovely and the characters were so well done. oh well maybe a lot of other people would be fine with it but im particularly sensitive with weird imagery during spicy scenes.
Read
September 14, 2024EDIT: A reread did not help.
After starting and stopping this book several times, I FINALLY finished it and...I have regrets.
My title for my Tik Tok review of Immortal Pleasures is: Can the way a book is written ruin a perfectly good premise?
TLDR; YES
Thanks so much to Del Rey books for my advanced copy of this book.
After starting and stopping this book several times, I FINALLY finished it and...I have regrets.
My title for my Tik Tok review of Immortal Pleasures is: Can the way a book is written ruin a perfectly good premise?
TLDR; YES
Thanks so much to Del Rey books for my advanced copy of this book.
did-not-finish
October 30, 2024DNF - 19% of the audiobook
I don't know which of these lines I liked the least - "makes my pussy feel like it's full of bees," "his cock is an electric eel bringing me to Bride of Frankenstein life," or "warm sea spray."
I'm not really looking for smut by itself, so I'm not sure why I want it in my horror. Especially not when it's..... weird.
Also, based on spoiler reading, apparently Judas (you know, from the bible?) shows up later and frankly I've read enough questionable vampire romances that feature Christian biblical character trauma for one year. You know, since I'm Jewish and all. (omg why does this keep happening to me? It's so horribly niche and YET...)
I don't know which of these lines I liked the least - "makes my pussy feel like it's full of bees," "his cock is an electric eel bringing me to Bride of Frankenstein life," or "warm sea spray."
I'm not really looking for smut by itself, so I'm not sure why I want it in my horror. Especially not when it's..... weird.
Also, based on spoiler reading, apparently Judas (you know, from the bible?) shows up later and frankly I've read enough questionable vampire romances that feature Christian biblical character trauma for one year. You know, since I'm Jewish and all. (omg why does this keep happening to me? It's so horribly niche and YET...)
January 6, 2024
I'd like to thank NetGalley and the publisher for allowing me a chance at reading this book.
V. Castro's Goddess of Filth is one of my favorite exorcism / possession books. Absolutely loved the girl in that. While her last release (before this one) wasn't a winner to me, this one seemed more along the lines of a Aztec Queen of the Damned story about a vampire who continues to remain alive and finds love, and danger.
I saw the reviews. I saw the reviews of those who read the book and highlighted the quotes that were certainly 'eye-popping', and it made me even more excited to read this. So I quickly geared it up... and finished it almost in one sitting.
The book is a fast paced story, told from various first person narratives, but focusing on the story of our vampire protagonist. She is on the search for the artifacts that were claimed / stolen by white profiteers or people who could at the time and would. Meanwhile, she becomes involved with a guy who she starts having a sexual thing with... which is where those quotes came from.
THE ONE THAT GOT ME ROLLING was when he was baking something in the kitchen, she takes the butter, lubes herself and his cock and fucks him reverse cowgirl... taking it in the ass. I just sat there and I thought 'am I going to be able to eat something with butter the same way, or see a stick of butter the same way again?' And then, the metaphor to all that was like a squid pulsing. I had remember seeing this quote being mentioned but DID I KNOW IT CAME FROM BUTTER LUBE.
Oh yes, the story. The story after getting through so many sexual bits with this random guy that shows up, and then she stops fucking when he decides to go all Interview With the Vampire on her when finding out her secret (he starts writing a book about a vampire who wants to be mortal), has her with a bounty hunter who has been paid by Cortez (yes, that Cortez who is also a vampire) to take her out... you start asking yourself, why does this guy seem familiar?
Girl starts screwing Judas. Yes. That Judas. Apparently after hanging himself, the rope broke and he starts wandering the desert. He comes across someone who turns him into a vampire, which allows him to change his name and live as a bounty hunter - getting more than those pieces of silver. Judas has now found his true match with our protagonist, which leads him to pair up with her in taking out Cortez once and for all.
There is a A LOT of things happening in the story, and people too, but it just feels disjointed and weird and the story itself about these artifacts and how Cortez is after her is more or less she isn't a white woman and how dare she live type story.... So it all comes down to Sex Sex, Sex Sex, Butter Lube, Sex, Judas, and lets kill Cortez.
I was entertained but I wish the book was far more entertaining with the plot instead of the wild sex scenes. Or maybe the book should have been about the woman literally on a world wild fucking spree and using the most wackiest stuff to help her out.
V. Castro's Goddess of Filth is one of my favorite exorcism / possession books. Absolutely loved the girl in that. While her last release (before this one) wasn't a winner to me, this one seemed more along the lines of a Aztec Queen of the Damned story about a vampire who continues to remain alive and finds love, and danger.
I saw the reviews. I saw the reviews of those who read the book and highlighted the quotes that were certainly 'eye-popping', and it made me even more excited to read this. So I quickly geared it up... and finished it almost in one sitting.
The book is a fast paced story, told from various first person narratives, but focusing on the story of our vampire protagonist. She is on the search for the artifacts that were claimed / stolen by white profiteers or people who could at the time and would. Meanwhile, she becomes involved with a guy who she starts having a sexual thing with... which is where those quotes came from.
THE ONE THAT GOT ME ROLLING was when he was baking something in the kitchen, she takes the butter, lubes herself and his cock and fucks him reverse cowgirl... taking it in the ass. I just sat there and I thought 'am I going to be able to eat something with butter the same way, or see a stick of butter the same way again?' And then, the metaphor to all that was like a squid pulsing. I had remember seeing this quote being mentioned but DID I KNOW IT CAME FROM BUTTER LUBE.
Oh yes, the story. The story after getting through so many sexual bits with this random guy that shows up, and then she stops fucking when he decides to go all Interview With the Vampire on her when finding out her secret (he starts writing a book about a vampire who wants to be mortal), has her with a bounty hunter who has been paid by Cortez (yes, that Cortez who is also a vampire) to take her out... you start asking yourself, why does this guy seem familiar?
Girl starts screwing Judas. Yes. That Judas. Apparently after hanging himself, the rope broke and he starts wandering the desert. He comes across someone who turns him into a vampire, which allows him to change his name and live as a bounty hunter - getting more than those pieces of silver. Judas has now found his true match with our protagonist, which leads him to pair up with her in taking out Cortez once and for all.
There is a A LOT of things happening in the story, and people too, but it just feels disjointed and weird and the story itself about these artifacts and how Cortez is after her is more or less she isn't a white woman and how dare she live type story.... So it all comes down to Sex Sex, Sex Sex, Butter Lube, Sex, Judas, and lets kill Cortez.
I was entertained but I wish the book was far more entertaining with the plot instead of the wild sex scenes. Or maybe the book should have been about the woman literally on a world wild fucking spree and using the most wackiest stuff to help her out.
March 16, 2024
An avenging Aztec vampire? Say less! A darkly delicious historical fantasy feminist novel that tackles colonialism and is a beautiful story about retribution... this is a quiet type of horror rooted in realism, but is no less haunting, the spanish conquest of Mexico and its impact is well portrayed and not sensationalized, this is also quite a spicy book, you won't look at butter in quite the same way (now I KNOW you wanna read it) this won't be for everyone but if you enjoy historial horror erotica (did vcastro create a new genre?)you'll love it 🧛🏻♀️
April 23, 2024
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
My Selling Pitch:
Imagine reading Hernan Cortes teams up with his gay bestie, John Hawkins, the father of the slave trade, to launch his vampire facial skincare line. Also featuring Judas, yes like from the Bible Judas, as our insta-love interest to little miss girlypop shoves a stick of butter up her asshole so it can wink like a sea anemone.
And being like, yeah, this should be published.
Truly, one of the worst things I’ve ever read. It will probably be my worst book of the year, and it is so firmly on my do-not-read list.
Pre-reading:
Sorry to this cover, but she looks like an AI Sim dislocating her hip. Vampires are so back, baby. I know nothing about this book only that it involves vampires and that I’ve been seeing it everywhere.
Thick of it:
I wanna go to Ireland.
Immediately no. DNF. It’s giving YA dear diary. It’s giving performative woke. (But you know who doesn’t DNF books? This stupid bitch.)
Sun of Blood and Ruin primed me for this lol. What are the odds?
This writing is so stilted.
There’s nothing sexy about this.
This feels like Ali Hazelwood’s Bride, but way worse.
I know I am extremely biased, but tell me this isn’t Colin O’Donoghue.
Oh, the insta lust is insane.
This is so cringe.
This is author insert wish fulfillment.
This is unreadable. I’m at 5%. Oh no.
Bee movie pussy. Get me out of here.
This is so poorly written.
How does he suck you with his eyes and his stubble, girlypop? (You gotta appreciate the irony of me nitpicking grammar when I write like this.)
This is so bad. I might actually DNF.
What do you mean bull rider precision? There’s no precision to bull riding.
I feel like saying pots of gold exist about the Irishman is not great optics.
Oh look, his name is Colin. They didn’t even try to hide it. This is Colin O’Donoghue. And like I get it. I’m also obsessed with that man.
Your great revenge plan is paying people for artifacts they stole? Make it make sense.
This book thinks it’s sexy and feminist, but it is not.
copal
I like how she’s like he’s a good man because he owns an old bookstore, and I’m like girlypop, have you met extreme horror men?
That’s funny. I was literally wondering if Tabasco came from Tabascans, and then I was like don’t write that down. That’s so out of pocket, Samantha. Don’t be culturally insensitive. But turns out I’m just an etymologist.
Do you think she can eat period blood? (This is never addressed and that feels like a crime.)
You’re joking. The villain is Hernan Cortes. Who okayed this book?
She’s a sex worker because she’s a #StrongIndependentWoman. She’s got AirPods.
And girlypop just left her defenseless and passed out on a bench. #Feminism.
This is unreadable. (Take a shot every time Samantha hits a wall in this book and writes this and yet continues on.)
Imagine you’re the publisher and you’re like yeah, I’m gonna publish a book where Hernan Cortes checks his email.
Wow, he has a gay friend? What an ally. I hate it here.
I’m sorry his gay friend John Hawkins. The man who established the slave trade.
I have no words. How was this published?
Oh my god, and now he’s Jeffree Star.
You’re telling me someone read Hernan Cortes and John Hawkins team up to make a skincare line out of vampire juice and said send it to the presses.
How is this not satire?
She paid her $400. She can definitely make more than that in a week. What do you mean?
I literally don’t know how I’m gonna finish this.
It’s just the constant sexual assault commentary that thinks it’s saying something, but it’s not. It’s all virtue signaling. The fake feminism. I’m getting so angry, and it’s written so horribly. It’s like worse than Wattpad. And you can tell it thinks it’s being really woke and making an impact.
I will be shocked if this is not my worst book of the year.
I’m not a zombie girl.
huipil
caciques
macana
Imagine being a hundreds of years old vampire who’s been seducing men her whole life and still being like what if he thinks my titties are ugly?
Then you eat him, girlypop. Do the math!
I don’t care how you look.
I would hope my man cares how I look. I’m the greatest good he’s ever gonna get.
I am literally begging you not to use anatomical terms in sex scenes. It’s gross.
I HATE IT HERE
Wish I was a freight train baby 🎶
Again, if this is not my worst book of the year.
WHAT IS THIS
Her Achilles heel is nipple play? What’s going on? This isn’t serious. This is so unserious. What’s happening?
How are her fangs not getting in the way of the dick sucking? I’m confusion. Is he that little?
Oh, they’re just instantly in love. OK.
Oh my god, this may be the worst thing I’ve ever read. I read a book about fucking a pumpkin spice latte, and this is worse.
Wow, you drank his blood and now you’re getting him drunk? He’s gonna be a super cheap date.
The sound that just left my mouth was inhuman. What do you mean sea anemone buttholes. What
Is Colin going to die and this is her villain origin story or like what? Also, just make him a vampire. Don’t be a fucking Edward.
This book is literally just sex scenes
Damn, I love Cholula too. I didn’t know that was also named after a massacre. What did Frank do?
Pulque
Cenote
I know I’ve complained about this already, but it’s so repetitive and boring and unreadable.
In nothing but like literally the world’s most standard outfit.
I can’t believe it’s not butter.
God, this is unreadable.
I just-the performative woke is unreal. Like this is why people don’t like it and resist it so much. It’s like insufferable vegans.
You’re also just shrieking to an echo chamber? Like no conservative fuckbag is picking up a book (full stop lol) about an Aztec vampiress. You don’t need to teach the libs that the patriarchy exists.
Take a shot every time these Aztec books bring up jaguars.
He said it once while drunk lmao.
Are we sure this isn’t by the lady who wrote Sun of Blood and Ruin because it’s the same energy? (It is not, but I fully checked.)
Why are these men just carrying around syringes?
He’s known you for like literally five minutes, and she’s like why won’t he tell me his #TragicBackstory? It must be because he’s just such a discerning character. I hate this book.
You have essentially unlimited money and you chose a third-floor walk-up.
I know they told us he’s somebody other than this, but I’m literally only picturing Alexander Hamilton, and it’s making it funny, and if you’re like Sam, that’s so out of pocket, I want to remind you that the villain of this story is beauty guru Hernan Cortes in 2024.
If this Max guy is also a history dude, and I’m just not picking up on it, don’t @ me. I went to public school.
Update: I got curious and googled historical J Alexanders and like maybe he’s this guy Julius Alexander because they mentioned deserts? But I was also thinking Alexander the Great and his library, but where is the J? I don’t know who this man is. I don’t know history. I am just a girl. I am literally just a girl.
He’s Judas. JUDAS.
Literally who published this? Fired. Absolutely fired.
I-
She wrote vampire Judas fanfiction. Are you fucking kidding me. This is unreal.
Paper straws? C’mon.
Tarot card sin
She said Jesus was a vampire. Oh my god, this book is unreal.
I’m the map. I’m the map. 🎶
It’s always a fucking J name.
It’s the way I would love to make a snarky comment as my selling pitch using his name, but it’s like such a spoiler because this comes out of left field, and like I can’t rob people of that, but like oh my goddddd. (Don’t care. Did it. This book can rot in hell.)
This does kind of make me want to read the Bible though and just annotate the shit out of it because I think it would be so funny to read it like a novel, but also I don’t know how long it is, and I don’t think I have that in me. Too much church growing up. It’s like reading and Shakespeare. Fuck your religions very much.
Who else realizes church is literally just like obsessive book club? Religion is so bonkers to me.
That reads a lot like the fetishization of an indigenous person if they can’t communicate and you’re saving them and they thank you by having sex with you. That’s weird.
Same Addie LaRue bullshit history montage through a character’s backstory. It's lazy!
She’s hot shit? This book is hot shit. Like Taco Bell bathroom hot shit.
There is so much crying in this book without any emotional weight.
Yeah, queen, spit on him! I hate it here.
Judas has a foot fetish.
This is truly the worst book I’ve ever read.
Chapter 16 was way too long without a break.
Does girlypop know bears hibernate cause it’s sounding like no.
Also, we have a running joke that every single book I read has bears in it, so I think I need to start keeping track because this is nuts.
I just want you to know what I’m reading and it’s a sex scene between Judas in a black sabbath T-shirt while he fucks an Aztec translator who has a custom Spotify sexytimes playlist with Purple Rain on it. People read this and paid money for it.
It reads like that Never After series but like way worse and the bar was already in hell for those books.
You’ve known each other for like two days.
Imagine homeboy would rather bury himself alive than be with you, and you’re still like wow, this is a romance for the ages.
Where have you been, Loca? Is anyone else getting Jacob Black vibes? No, just me? OK.
Imagine you’re going to have a showdown with your evil enemy, your greatest nemesis of all time, but you’re like first, I gotta show him my chest tattoo and sweet abs. No homo though.
Is Spain really respected though?
She’s not setting up for a sequel right now. Oh my god.
Post-reading:
I really just have no words for how bad this was.
Calling this author insert Wattpad fanfiction is insulting to Wattpad, but it’s the closest I can get to describing it.
It’s a historical retelling that’s completely tone deaf. Turning the father of the slave trade into a homosexual for diversity points and giving him a redemption arc is inexcusable.
The sex scenes are gross. They use anatomical terms. They compare body parts to sea creatures. They shove butter up assholes. I could’ve gone my whole life not reading that.
The book grossly mishandles rape and sex work. There’s even a scene that feels like the fetishization of an indigenous person because they can’t communicate and he needs her to save him.
The romance is bonkers. It’s insta lust and insta love. Twice. It’s definitely a choice to have your love interest be Judas. I’m not religious. I’m very actively anti-religion because I find it so hateful and harmful to everyone involved. I think you’re gonna have the communities that believe in him pissed for how he’s represented. There is definitely a salacious and kinky little conversation to be had about turning Jesus into a vampire and doing a forbidden romance with Judas, but this author was not equipped to do so. Hand that one to Tiffany Reisz. I’d read the fuck out of that.
The book is repetitive. It reads with a YA voice, but it’s clearly adult. The world-building sucks. There’s no rules for vampires. Everything is in there just for the vibes.
There’s nothing redeemable about this book. I can’t dunk on it enough. I am embarrassed for the publishers that this was produced. I’m just baffled because this had to go through so many people to get published and no one looked at this and was like maybe not?
Also, I was under the impression that this was a horror book. There’s nothing horror about this. This is literally just a historical paranormal romance and a shitty one at that.
Who should read this:
No one
Historical retelling girlies
Do I want to reread this:
Fuck. No. I want everyone who pushed this book forward to tell me what they saw in it. I want everyone who gave this book more than one star to tell me how they justified that after reading about sea creature buttholes. Twice.
Similar books:
* Bride by Ali Hazelwood-paranormal romance, urban fantasy
* The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V. E. Schwab-magical realism historical romance
* The Never After series by Emily McIntyre-Disney villain dark romance retellings, cringe but fun
* Sun of Blood and Ruin by Mariely Lares-magical realism historical romance, Aztecs VS Cortes
* Wings Once Cursed and Bound by Piper J. Drake-urban fantasy romance, magical artifacts
* Blood Debts by Terry J. Benton-Walker-YA urban fantasy, queer, performatively woke
My Selling Pitch:
Imagine reading Hernan Cortes teams up with his gay bestie, John Hawkins, the father of the slave trade, to launch his vampire facial skincare line. Also featuring Judas, yes like from the Bible Judas, as our insta-love interest to little miss girlypop shoves a stick of butter up her asshole so it can wink like a sea anemone.
And being like, yeah, this should be published.
Truly, one of the worst things I’ve ever read. It will probably be my worst book of the year, and it is so firmly on my do-not-read list.
Pre-reading:
Sorry to this cover, but she looks like an AI Sim dislocating her hip. Vampires are so back, baby. I know nothing about this book only that it involves vampires and that I’ve been seeing it everywhere.
Thick of it:
I wanna go to Ireland.
Immediately no. DNF. It’s giving YA dear diary. It’s giving performative woke. (But you know who doesn’t DNF books? This stupid bitch.)
Sun of Blood and Ruin primed me for this lol. What are the odds?
This writing is so stilted.
There’s nothing sexy about this.
This feels like Ali Hazelwood’s Bride, but way worse.
I know I am extremely biased, but tell me this isn’t Colin O’Donoghue.
Oh, the insta lust is insane.
This is so cringe.
This is author insert wish fulfillment.
This is unreadable. I’m at 5%. Oh no.
Bee movie pussy. Get me out of here.
This is so poorly written.
How does he suck you with his eyes and his stubble, girlypop? (You gotta appreciate the irony of me nitpicking grammar when I write like this.)
This is so bad. I might actually DNF.
What do you mean bull rider precision? There’s no precision to bull riding.
I feel like saying pots of gold exist about the Irishman is not great optics.
Oh look, his name is Colin. They didn’t even try to hide it. This is Colin O’Donoghue. And like I get it. I’m also obsessed with that man.
Your great revenge plan is paying people for artifacts they stole? Make it make sense.
This book thinks it’s sexy and feminist, but it is not.
copal
I like how she’s like he’s a good man because he owns an old bookstore, and I’m like girlypop, have you met extreme horror men?
That’s funny. I was literally wondering if Tabasco came from Tabascans, and then I was like don’t write that down. That’s so out of pocket, Samantha. Don’t be culturally insensitive. But turns out I’m just an etymologist.
Do you think she can eat period blood? (This is never addressed and that feels like a crime.)
You’re joking. The villain is Hernan Cortes. Who okayed this book?
She’s a sex worker because she’s a #StrongIndependentWoman. She’s got AirPods.
And girlypop just left her defenseless and passed out on a bench. #Feminism.
This is unreadable. (Take a shot every time Samantha hits a wall in this book and writes this and yet continues on.)
Imagine you’re the publisher and you’re like yeah, I’m gonna publish a book where Hernan Cortes checks his email.
Wow, he has a gay friend? What an ally. I hate it here.
I’m sorry his gay friend John Hawkins. The man who established the slave trade.
I have no words. How was this published?
Oh my god, and now he’s Jeffree Star.
You’re telling me someone read Hernan Cortes and John Hawkins team up to make a skincare line out of vampire juice and said send it to the presses.
How is this not satire?
She paid her $400. She can definitely make more than that in a week. What do you mean?
I literally don’t know how I’m gonna finish this.
It’s just the constant sexual assault commentary that thinks it’s saying something, but it’s not. It’s all virtue signaling. The fake feminism. I’m getting so angry, and it’s written so horribly. It’s like worse than Wattpad. And you can tell it thinks it’s being really woke and making an impact.
I will be shocked if this is not my worst book of the year.
I’m not a zombie girl.
huipil
caciques
macana
Imagine being a hundreds of years old vampire who’s been seducing men her whole life and still being like what if he thinks my titties are ugly?
Then you eat him, girlypop. Do the math!
I don’t care how you look.
I would hope my man cares how I look. I’m the greatest good he’s ever gonna get.
I am literally begging you not to use anatomical terms in sex scenes. It’s gross.
I HATE IT HERE
Wish I was a freight train baby 🎶
Again, if this is not my worst book of the year.
WHAT IS THIS
Her Achilles heel is nipple play? What’s going on? This isn’t serious. This is so unserious. What’s happening?
How are her fangs not getting in the way of the dick sucking? I’m confusion. Is he that little?
Oh, they’re just instantly in love. OK.
Oh my god, this may be the worst thing I’ve ever read. I read a book about fucking a pumpkin spice latte, and this is worse.
Wow, you drank his blood and now you’re getting him drunk? He’s gonna be a super cheap date.
The sound that just left my mouth was inhuman. What do you mean sea anemone buttholes. What
Is Colin going to die and this is her villain origin story or like what? Also, just make him a vampire. Don’t be a fucking Edward.
This book is literally just sex scenes
Damn, I love Cholula too. I didn’t know that was also named after a massacre. What did Frank do?
Pulque
Cenote
I know I’ve complained about this already, but it’s so repetitive and boring and unreadable.
In nothing but like literally the world’s most standard outfit.
I can’t believe it’s not butter.
God, this is unreadable.
I just-the performative woke is unreal. Like this is why people don’t like it and resist it so much. It’s like insufferable vegans.
You’re also just shrieking to an echo chamber? Like no conservative fuckbag is picking up a book (full stop lol) about an Aztec vampiress. You don’t need to teach the libs that the patriarchy exists.
Take a shot every time these Aztec books bring up jaguars.
He said it once while drunk lmao.
Are we sure this isn’t by the lady who wrote Sun of Blood and Ruin because it’s the same energy? (It is not, but I fully checked.)
Why are these men just carrying around syringes?
He’s known you for like literally five minutes, and she’s like why won’t he tell me his #TragicBackstory? It must be because he’s just such a discerning character. I hate this book.
You have essentially unlimited money and you chose a third-floor walk-up.
I know they told us he’s somebody other than this, but I’m literally only picturing Alexander Hamilton, and it’s making it funny, and if you’re like Sam, that’s so out of pocket, I want to remind you that the villain of this story is beauty guru Hernan Cortes in 2024.
If this Max guy is also a history dude, and I’m just not picking up on it, don’t @ me. I went to public school.
Update: I got curious and googled historical J Alexanders and like maybe he’s this guy Julius Alexander because they mentioned deserts? But I was also thinking Alexander the Great and his library, but where is the J? I don’t know who this man is. I don’t know history. I am just a girl. I am literally just a girl.
He’s Judas. JUDAS.
Literally who published this? Fired. Absolutely fired.
I-
She wrote vampire Judas fanfiction. Are you fucking kidding me. This is unreal.
Paper straws? C’mon.
Tarot card sin
She said Jesus was a vampire. Oh my god, this book is unreal.
I’m the map. I’m the map. 🎶
It’s always a fucking J name.
It’s the way I would love to make a snarky comment as my selling pitch using his name, but it’s like such a spoiler because this comes out of left field, and like I can’t rob people of that, but like oh my goddddd. (Don’t care. Did it. This book can rot in hell.)
This does kind of make me want to read the Bible though and just annotate the shit out of it because I think it would be so funny to read it like a novel, but also I don’t know how long it is, and I don’t think I have that in me. Too much church growing up. It’s like reading and Shakespeare. Fuck your religions very much.
Who else realizes church is literally just like obsessive book club? Religion is so bonkers to me.
That reads a lot like the fetishization of an indigenous person if they can’t communicate and you’re saving them and they thank you by having sex with you. That’s weird.
Same Addie LaRue bullshit history montage through a character’s backstory. It's lazy!
She’s hot shit? This book is hot shit. Like Taco Bell bathroom hot shit.
There is so much crying in this book without any emotional weight.
Yeah, queen, spit on him! I hate it here.
Judas has a foot fetish.
This is truly the worst book I’ve ever read.
Chapter 16 was way too long without a break.
Does girlypop know bears hibernate cause it’s sounding like no.
Also, we have a running joke that every single book I read has bears in it, so I think I need to start keeping track because this is nuts.
I just want you to know what I’m reading and it’s a sex scene between Judas in a black sabbath T-shirt while he fucks an Aztec translator who has a custom Spotify sexytimes playlist with Purple Rain on it. People read this and paid money for it.
It reads like that Never After series but like way worse and the bar was already in hell for those books.
You’ve known each other for like two days.
Imagine homeboy would rather bury himself alive than be with you, and you’re still like wow, this is a romance for the ages.
Where have you been, Loca? Is anyone else getting Jacob Black vibes? No, just me? OK.
Imagine you’re going to have a showdown with your evil enemy, your greatest nemesis of all time, but you’re like first, I gotta show him my chest tattoo and sweet abs. No homo though.
Is Spain really respected though?
She’s not setting up for a sequel right now. Oh my god.
Post-reading:
I really just have no words for how bad this was.
Calling this author insert Wattpad fanfiction is insulting to Wattpad, but it’s the closest I can get to describing it.
It’s a historical retelling that’s completely tone deaf. Turning the father of the slave trade into a homosexual for diversity points and giving him a redemption arc is inexcusable.
The sex scenes are gross. They use anatomical terms. They compare body parts to sea creatures. They shove butter up assholes. I could’ve gone my whole life not reading that.
The book grossly mishandles rape and sex work. There’s even a scene that feels like the fetishization of an indigenous person because they can’t communicate and he needs her to save him.
The romance is bonkers. It’s insta lust and insta love. Twice. It’s definitely a choice to have your love interest be Judas. I’m not religious. I’m very actively anti-religion because I find it so hateful and harmful to everyone involved. I think you’re gonna have the communities that believe in him pissed for how he’s represented. There is definitely a salacious and kinky little conversation to be had about turning Jesus into a vampire and doing a forbidden romance with Judas, but this author was not equipped to do so. Hand that one to Tiffany Reisz. I’d read the fuck out of that.
The book is repetitive. It reads with a YA voice, but it’s clearly adult. The world-building sucks. There’s no rules for vampires. Everything is in there just for the vibes.
There’s nothing redeemable about this book. I can’t dunk on it enough. I am embarrassed for the publishers that this was produced. I’m just baffled because this had to go through so many people to get published and no one looked at this and was like maybe not?
Also, I was under the impression that this was a horror book. There’s nothing horror about this. This is literally just a historical paranormal romance and a shitty one at that.
Who should read this:
No one
Historical retelling girlies
Do I want to reread this:
Fuck. No. I want everyone who pushed this book forward to tell me what they saw in it. I want everyone who gave this book more than one star to tell me how they justified that after reading about sea creature buttholes. Twice.
Similar books:
* Bride by Ali Hazelwood-paranormal romance, urban fantasy
* The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V. E. Schwab-magical realism historical romance
* The Never After series by Emily McIntyre-Disney villain dark romance retellings, cringe but fun
* Sun of Blood and Ruin by Mariely Lares-magical realism historical romance, Aztecs VS Cortes
* Wings Once Cursed and Bound by Piper J. Drake-urban fantasy romance, magical artifacts
* Blood Debts by Terry J. Benton-Walker-YA urban fantasy, queer, performatively woke
November 19, 2023
DNF @ 15% - The idea of La Malinche (Malinalli) as a vampire who travels the world retrieving stolen artifacts is deeply compelling. Unfortunately, this book is a bizarre caricature of what that story could be. I knew that this was not the book for me almost immediately because the story is "told" rather than "shown" most of the time, which makes it very difficult to connect with Malinalli. Next, the author's treatment of colonization lacked finesse. I absolutely agree that the Spanish conquest of Mexico was horrific and a woman who lived through it would be traumatized, but the way that history is presented here is often factually inaccurate and/or trivialized with nonsense like Malinalli refusing to eat tabasco sauce because it's from the region where she was once enslaved. The final straw for me was the “bad porno” sex scenes; for example, Malinalli says I don't even know what to do with that other than to put down the book and walk away.
NetGalley provided an advance copy of this ebook in exchange for an honest review.
NetGalley provided an advance copy of this ebook in exchange for an honest review.
October 15, 2024
How could a novel about an aztec vampire *not* be amazing?
You could read this book to find out, but I don't recommend it.
You could read this book to find out, but I don't recommend it.
July 2, 2024
actual rating: 1/5 stars
the final chapter may 2024 bookclub pick: https://www.patreon.com/daijahsbookworld
i originally wrote a review of this book where i gave it 2 stars but after discussing this with my patreon bookclub, i realized there are a plethora of issues that i either 1. didn't notice originally until actually talking about the book or 2. i didn't realize the extent to how bad they truly were. so upon reflection i am lowering my rating to 2 stars. there are many issues but starting with the least offensive, the sentences are poorly constructed both individually and collectively, the plot is incoherent, and the characters lack clear motivations, distinct traits, and are extremely one dimensional.
the writing overall was honestly horrific. there were a lot of issues with the actual grammar and logistics of the writing but when i tell y'all there was a significant amount of sex scenes (i'll touch on this later) and the writing in them was all horrific and not in like a grotesque kinda way. in a "My anus is stimulated until it pulses like a little sea anemone trying to catch prey" and "His cock is an electric eel bringing me to Bride of Frankenstein life. His rhythm between my legs is incessant, going from a slow strum as smooth as Nile Rodgers' guitar to a vigorous beat like death metal." like i've never found sex more unappealing than in these scenes. in the book malinalli also interrupts her boyfriend baking and stuffs a handful of butter up her ass as lube and puts some on his penis as well.
besides all that the most glaring issue to me is that the characters for the most part are all real people including our main character. and instead of handling their story with care she put in the most horrific sex scenes BETWEEN REAL HISTORICAL FIGURES, disrespects the history of the aztec people, and has very much real horrible men who impacted generations of people, hernan cortes (famous for the massacre of the aztecs) and john hawkins (famous for introducing the slave trade to england) like how more insolent to the real impacts this had on people and unserious can you get. to put it simply, i am horrified and not in a fun haha kinda way but in an alarming way.
i honestly have no clue how the fuck this was published.
the final chapter may 2024 bookclub pick: https://www.patreon.com/daijahsbookworld
i originally wrote a review of this book where i gave it 2 stars but after discussing this with my patreon bookclub, i realized there are a plethora of issues that i either 1. didn't notice originally until actually talking about the book or 2. i didn't realize the extent to how bad they truly were. so upon reflection i am lowering my rating to 2 stars. there are many issues but starting with the least offensive, the sentences are poorly constructed both individually and collectively, the plot is incoherent, and the characters lack clear motivations, distinct traits, and are extremely one dimensional.
the writing overall was honestly horrific. there were a lot of issues with the actual grammar and logistics of the writing but when i tell y'all there was a significant amount of sex scenes (i'll touch on this later) and the writing in them was all horrific and not in like a grotesque kinda way. in a "My anus is stimulated until it pulses like a little sea anemone trying to catch prey" and "His cock is an electric eel bringing me to Bride of Frankenstein life. His rhythm between my legs is incessant, going from a slow strum as smooth as Nile Rodgers' guitar to a vigorous beat like death metal." like i've never found sex more unappealing than in these scenes. in the book malinalli also interrupts her boyfriend baking and stuffs a handful of butter up her ass as lube and puts some on his penis as well.
besides all that the most glaring issue to me is that the characters for the most part are all real people including our main character. and instead of handling their story with care she put in the most horrific sex scenes BETWEEN REAL HISTORICAL FIGURES, disrespects the history of the aztec people, and has very much real horrible men who impacted generations of people, hernan cortes (famous for the massacre of the aztecs) and john hawkins (famous for introducing the slave trade to england) like how more insolent to the real impacts this had on people and unserious can you get. to put it simply, i am horrified and not in a fun haha kinda way but in an alarming way.
i honestly have no clue how the fuck this was published.
Want to read
August 9, 20231. This fucking cover!
2. A vampire novel about La Malinche? Fuck, YES!
2. A vampire novel about La Malinche? Fuck, YES!
November 7, 2024
Maybe 1.5 ⭐️ for sheer entertainment and comedic value — including but not limited to when our all powerful, ancient aztec vampire girlboss narrator leaves her human lover (who she previously thought was the love of her life after knowing him for about a week (she had not loved in 500 years, of course. he was a very special human man that she randomly found in a bar and decided to fuck) in order to devote herself to — LITERALLY, VERBATIM — Judas, from the Bible (direct quote). I would like to mention that this book is NOT a comedy and that it actually takes itself SO seriously. it wants to be about the horrors of colonialism SO BAD but it is simply too badly written to be taken seriously in any capacity. frankly it would’ve been more poignant and effective as a satirical comedy but instead it was just one of the worst novels i’ve ever read. the plot is nonexistent, malinali’s character arc is ostentiably about revenge and reclaiming the lost treasures of her people stolen by colonizers except that the novel doesn’t actually spend any time exploring the horrors of colonialism other than Colonizers = Bad. it then also gives POV chapters to said colonizers (who are now vampires and have started an evil skincare brand. yes literally, no it is not played as a joke) . sure. the novel is ~really about malinali’s journey of healing and finding love but we never actually see her heal, neither does she face any consequences of her actions. she simply finds judas, from the bible, who is also a vampire, and decides that he is the love of her life. together they kill Big Bad Colonizer Vampire Man (literally hernan cortes, like. from History) and then they live happily ever after. i guess!
don’t even TALK to me about the sex scenes. i don’t mind weird kinky sex scenes but these were simply kinky and gross and, crucially, with such laughably bad writing (tell me why there were TWO seperate sex scenes where malinali’s anus is compared to a sea anemone?) that it was jarring enough to me, as an audiobook listener who was not particularly intently listening, that i had to pause and rewind. it’s honestly a shame how much of a mess on all accounts this novel is — structurally, plot wise, character wise, and wrt to prose — bc i LOVE the idea of an old girlboss aztec vampire getting revenge on colonizers. and yet. like. lmao truly
don’t even TALK to me about the sex scenes. i don’t mind weird kinky sex scenes but these were simply kinky and gross and, crucially, with such laughably bad writing (tell me why there were TWO seperate sex scenes where malinali’s anus is compared to a sea anemone?) that it was jarring enough to me, as an audiobook listener who was not particularly intently listening, that i had to pause and rewind. it’s honestly a shame how much of a mess on all accounts this novel is — structurally, plot wise, character wise, and wrt to prose — bc i LOVE the idea of an old girlboss aztec vampire getting revenge on colonizers. and yet. like. lmao truly
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 22, 2024
This started SO strong for me, thought it might be a favourite read for a bit there. Unfortunately, it just dragged on and on and I had to force myself to finish this. I really should have just DNF’d around 40% in when I felt like it instead of see it through.
I love the ideas here and the story of the MC is incredibly rich but I felt like the actual story line lacked the substance to keep me going. By the time I got to the end I was just wanting it to be over. I really wanted to like this but ultimately it was just boring. The highlights were the MC’s original story and the erotic scenes but just not enough in the end.
I love the ideas here and the story of the MC is incredibly rich but I felt like the actual story line lacked the substance to keep me going. By the time I got to the end I was just wanting it to be over. I really wanted to like this but ultimately it was just boring. The highlights were the MC’s original story and the erotic scenes but just not enough in the end.
Read
October 18, 2024DNF @ 20%. I'm not sure why I thought this was going to be more about vampirism and museum heists. I mean, reading the synopsis again, this is clearly more sexy sex. Which is fine. Sometimes I like that. But the sex scenes are just kinda...gross? Extremely physically focused, insta-lovey, and she keeps referring to arousal as 'honey from the honeycomb' 😂 It's all just strangely off-putting.
Obviously sex scenes are a very subjective thing but these ones are icking me too much so I'ma bow out. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume a man wrote them.
Obviously sex scenes are a very subjective thing but these ones are icking me too much so I'ma bow out. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume a man wrote them.
April 20, 2024
OK HEAR ME OUT: You know that "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" quote that people throw around? That's this book.
Objectively, it's absolutely awful. The phrasing is clunky. It feels like it was written in one language, translated to another, and then finally translated a third time into English. And yet, I was in just the right mood and had a really great laugh and a good time with this one.
Some highlights:
- Vampires drinking blood from paper straws, because they are eco conscious.
- The inclusion of actual historical figures.
- The revelation that Jesus was actually a vampire, and the whole "drink my blood" thing now totally lines up.
- If vampires are hurt, they bury themselves like turtles.
- In sex scenes, using medical terminology blended with the traditional terminology.
- A stoic female MC who goes the insta-love route not once, but twice, within a matter of days (not even business days! Actual calendar days!)
- Cortez (yes, that one) pouting because he can't sail the seas, and instead has to fly in airplanes.
And that's not even the tip of the iceberg.
I gave this 4 stars because it made a very stressful few days feel absolutely absurd. I cannot in good conscience recommend you read this, unless you understand that nothing about this is well done, and it's firmly in the 'cult classic' standpoint. I need this to be a movie so we can have the MST3000 folks cover it.
Objectively, it's absolutely awful. The phrasing is clunky. It feels like it was written in one language, translated to another, and then finally translated a third time into English. And yet, I was in just the right mood and had a really great laugh and a good time with this one.
Some highlights:
- Vampires drinking blood from paper straws, because they are eco conscious.
- The inclusion of actual historical figures.
- The revelation that Jesus was actually a vampire, and the whole "drink my blood" thing now totally lines up.
- If vampires are hurt, they bury themselves like turtles.
- In sex scenes, using medical terminology blended with the traditional terminology.
- A stoic female MC who goes the insta-love route not once, but twice, within a matter of days (not even business days! Actual calendar days!)
- Cortez (yes, that one) pouting because he can't sail the seas, and instead has to fly in airplanes.
And that's not even the tip of the iceberg.
I gave this 4 stars because it made a very stressful few days feel absolutely absurd. I cannot in good conscience recommend you read this, unless you understand that nothing about this is well done, and it's firmly in the 'cult classic' standpoint. I need this to be a movie so we can have the MST3000 folks cover it.
April 16, 2024
Happy Pub Day to @vlatinalondon for Immortal Pleasures!!
Review
Once in a lifetime you come across a piece of literature that is splendiferous in nature.
This type of book, it gives such a transcendental experience reading it, you can’t do anything else but evolve as a reader !
It is here, we find ourselves with the newly pub master piece, Immortal Pleasures By V. Casto
In this journey of my reading, my senses were in rupture.
I, fully captivated by the robust writing, the novel brought me ebullience to experience Castorś gift as the words danced on my tongue like a sweet, fruit forward deep red wine.
With pure raw pleasure of V Castro’s art, each word, syllable, and figurative phrases evoked me while I read!
I was taken like one with a newly bonded love !
Carnal
Erotic
Sensual
Eloquent
Euphoric.
It would behoove you to take this gem in your hands and sink your teeth into Delicious experience of eternal life!!
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0iK...
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C51lLI...
Review
Once in a lifetime you come across a piece of literature that is splendiferous in nature.
This type of book, it gives such a transcendental experience reading it, you can’t do anything else but evolve as a reader !
It is here, we find ourselves with the newly pub master piece, Immortal Pleasures By V. Casto
In this journey of my reading, my senses were in rupture.
I, fully captivated by the robust writing, the novel brought me ebullience to experience Castorś gift as the words danced on my tongue like a sweet, fruit forward deep red wine.
With pure raw pleasure of V Castro’s art, each word, syllable, and figurative phrases evoked me while I read!
I was taken like one with a newly bonded love !
Carnal
Erotic
Sensual
Eloquent
Euphoric.
It would behoove you to take this gem in your hands and sink your teeth into Delicious experience of eternal life!!
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0iK...
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C51lLI...
Read
November 21, 2023DNF after just a few chapters.
I was initially so excited for the this -- the concept of an Aztec vampire exploring the modern world to reclaim stolen artefacts and find love has so much potential.
I was hoping for something a bit more atmospheric, but unfortunately this book read like a diary. It was entirely told instead of shown. The entire first chapter was just one big info dump, with the main character directly telling us her name, her backstory, her issues, and her goals. Nothing happened in the first chapter at all, there was no sense of plot. All of this could have been revealed more creatively or stylistically in the course of an actual story.
Another issue I had was that it didn't feel like I was in the head of a several-hundred-year-old vampire. She just felt like a young 20-something with no worldly experience, which was disappointing.
It wasn't for me. But you might like it if you don't mind that kind of writing style and are more interested in the concept/character.
Thanks to Netgalley and Del Rey for the ARC.
I was initially so excited for the this -- the concept of an Aztec vampire exploring the modern world to reclaim stolen artefacts and find love has so much potential.
I was hoping for something a bit more atmospheric, but unfortunately this book read like a diary. It was entirely told instead of shown. The entire first chapter was just one big info dump, with the main character directly telling us her name, her backstory, her issues, and her goals. Nothing happened in the first chapter at all, there was no sense of plot. All of this could have been revealed more creatively or stylistically in the course of an actual story.
Another issue I had was that it didn't feel like I was in the head of a several-hundred-year-old vampire. She just felt like a young 20-something with no worldly experience, which was disappointing.
It wasn't for me. But you might like it if you don't mind that kind of writing style and are more interested in the concept/character.
Thanks to Netgalley and Del Rey for the ARC.
April 11, 2024
"Divine timing can be a stubborn bitch, but when she comes through, she delivers divine rewards."
If there's one thing I know when going into a V. Castro book it's that I will be entertained! And IMMORTAL PLEASURES kept me interested and entertained throughout. It's a kind of historical twist on vampires during colonialism through the present. There's a reclamation of history, womanhood, power, sex, and more! And none of these themes should be new to you if you have read Castro before. She writes what she does with such passion and creativity always.
I thought the shifting from present to past worked well, because it allows us to really feel for our main character, Malinalli, and understand why she has made certain choices, how she is living now, and the setup at the end (which I *HOPE* will bring on a sequel with some more horror, adventure, and sex! THE SPICE IS SPICING IN THIS ONE!!
Just... don't plan on wanting to use butter in your meals anytime soon. If you know, you know!!
If there's one thing I know when going into a V. Castro book it's that I will be entertained! And IMMORTAL PLEASURES kept me interested and entertained throughout. It's a kind of historical twist on vampires during colonialism through the present. There's a reclamation of history, womanhood, power, sex, and more! And none of these themes should be new to you if you have read Castro before. She writes what she does with such passion and creativity always.
I thought the shifting from present to past worked well, because it allows us to really feel for our main character, Malinalli, and understand why she has made certain choices, how she is living now, and the setup at the end (which I *HOPE* will bring on a sequel with some more horror, adventure, and sex! THE SPICE IS SPICING IN THIS ONE!!
Just... don't plan on wanting to use butter in your meals anytime soon. If you know, you know!!
February 5, 2024
I think that this is simply not the type of horror and sexuality that I enjoy in terms of vampires, and the self-introspection was not worded as well as I would have liked it to be. However, this is mainly personal taste, and not so much something that can be blamed on the author, so I am going to share my thoughts, although take them with a grain of salt because I did not finish the book. Overall I think one of my main problems is that it was too heterosexual for me as someone who is a strong believer in the inherent queerness of vampires, and the way that the sexuality of vampires is treated is different through that lens.
August 26, 2024
I pushed through to try to read it for a book a club but man, this was rough. The premise itself is intriguing, but the writing just wasn't there for me.
July 11, 2024
In my flop era. 🥲 Spoilers!
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I love vampire books! I love the tropes and the gothic atmosphere. This book could not keep me interested though. I pushed through, but had so many issues with the plot. The fact that this book starts with like a 500 yr old vampire totally falling for a human guy had me annoyed from the start. I mean really? The first third of this book is basically sex scenes with this guy and flashbacks/info dumping on her past before being a vampire. I did enjoy the spicy scenes for the most part!
I also enjoyed much of the history and commentary on colonialism.
I had a hard time believing after all this time she happened to find love (not) and then just gives up on her goal of retrieving a long lost item stolen by colonizers. She then decides she hates this guy and happens to meet like the father of all vampires and they’re somehow meant to be? I did not prepare myself for the cheesy romance of it all.
Action and actual vampire-ness is slim. I expected more.
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I love vampire books! I love the tropes and the gothic atmosphere. This book could not keep me interested though. I pushed through, but had so many issues with the plot. The fact that this book starts with like a 500 yr old vampire totally falling for a human guy had me annoyed from the start. I mean really? The first third of this book is basically sex scenes with this guy and flashbacks/info dumping on her past before being a vampire. I did enjoy the spicy scenes for the most part!
I also enjoyed much of the history and commentary on colonialism.
I had a hard time believing after all this time she happened to find love (not) and then just gives up on her goal of retrieving a long lost item stolen by colonizers. She then decides she hates this guy and happens to meet like the father of all vampires and they’re somehow meant to be? I did not prepare myself for the cheesy romance of it all.
Action and actual vampire-ness is slim. I expected more.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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