Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter's Life by Kevin Leman

by Kevin Leman

Excellent Book

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Self Help, Personal Development, Psychology, Christian Living

250 pages, Hardcover

First published May 13, 2014

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
BirthOrderGuy.com
Facebook
Twitter

Reviews

[Forrest · Rating 4 out of 5]

" Your company can replace you and they eventually will, but in your daughter's eyes there will always be only one of you. So, why expend all your energy outside your home for what won't matter in the long run?"

"Real men love their children unconditionally. "

"Your daughter doesn't care what you know until she knows you care."

I deeply admire that Dr. Leman, a Christian, stands by the traditional family and the true definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman. This is reflected in the messages throughout the book. He discusses why it is so critical that every child have a mother and a father in their lives.

I would classify this book as a memoir, since the author speaks at length of his own relationships between him and his wife and their daughters. He shares many personal experiences.

- Statistics on the devastating affects of girls who are raised in households without a father.

- The Birth Order. Characteristics of 1st born children vs. 2nd born and so on.

- How well do you know your daughter? Her teacher's name, best friend, favorite subject in school, favorite music, etc.

- How much do you try to relate to her? For example if she loves to draw do you sit down and draw with her? Show genuine interest in the things she loves.

-Authoritarian vs permissive vs authoritative. Which are you?

-Moms and dads must mutually agree on boundaries and parameters you set for your children. Be consistent. Do not stray from the rules you set, otherwise your daughter will be very confused and defiant.

-The author discusses issues regarding sex, teen pregnancy, boyfriends, dating, bullying, promiscuity, and how to confront those issues if or when they arise and how to succeed through ongoing open and empathic communication with daughters.

-The author lays the foundation as marriage on how husbands and wives mutually assist one another as a team while raising daughters. There is also good advice for single and divorced dads as well.

- Fathers represent what girls expect in their own marriage someday.

-Movie night idea with your daughter: "Uncle Buck" on how to address teenage drama.

FATHER
Free her
Affirm her
Trust her
Hold her
Encourage her
Role model life for her.

Side note: The author and his wife had their last child would she was 47 years old and he was 49.

[Eric Moote · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall: you can read everything you need from this book in the library in 10 minutes, just flip through and read the high note boxes.

Another book from a list of "Must Read Books for the Christian Dad" and yet another failure. As with "All Pro Dad," I am not a big fan of books written like they are for dummies. Acrostics and sidebar notes abound in this book in order to help you (the lazy, stupid man) ferret out the main points and cherry-pick what you are supposed to remember and report back to your wife, whom he assumes is making you read his work. Written in the style of a bathroom reader (you know the books your wife buys and places on the back of the toilet for you to read whilst on your throne) "Be the Dad She Needs You to Be" restates the obvious points over and over and over again. Want to be a good Dad to your daughter? Show up, listen, be loving, but don't pander or spoil. Boom! Now you don't need to read the book!

The reason this book received two stars instead of one, apart from there not being a way to 1.5-star this gem, is because Kevin Leman actually says something. Through all of the one sentence paragraphs, bullet points list, and boxed main points on almost every page, Leman takes a stand and tells how he raised his four daughters and the fruits of his labor. The book is pretty shallow, but at least he doesn't quote his daughters calling him a terrible father (once again, see "All Pro Dad").

Other annoying traits of this book:
1) The author restating how he is famous, "People stop me and ask me to speak at their event, but I had to say no because that day is my daughters birthday."
2) The author referencing his other books, "Testimonial: 'Thanks for your other groundbreaking, amazing life changing books, but I have this question.'" or "'I love your conferences, but I have this question.'"
3) The author acknowledging readers who are women reading to their man or men who are being required by their wife to read it. If you won't pander to your daughters, then why pander to your mostly woman audience?
4) You can glean everything you need from this book by reading all the high note boxes on every other page.
5) If you read the back cover, you have read the book.

I would recommend this book to: no one.

[Kylo · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a painful book to read - I couldn't get past the kindle sample. It holds to unbelievably narrow stereotypes, and it seems to be devoid of any substantial insights beyond what you might get from a supermarket aisle impulse buy. You can do way better, e.g. I'm currently reading Untangled.

[Jalynn Patterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

About the Book:

A call to dads to step up to the plate to become the loving, actively engaged father that a daughter needs for life and relational success. The relationship that matters most to your daughter isn't the one with her mother?it's the one with you, Dad. Her self-esteem, choices, behavior, character, and even her ideas about or choice of a marriage partner are all directly tied to you, as the most important representative to her of the male species.

In Be the Dad She Needs You to Be Dr. Kevin Leman, internationally-known psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and father of four daughters, will show you not only how to get the fathering job done and done well, but also how to: make each daughter feel unique, special, and valued; discipline the right way...when it's needed; talk turkey about what guys are really thinking; keep the critical eye at bay; wave the truce flag when females turn your family room into a battleground; and set your daughter up for life and relational success. With some effort on your part (and very few dollars), you can gain the kind of relationship you dream of with your daughter?one based on mutual love and respect. The simple yet profound suggestions will transform you into the kind of man your daughter needs...for a lifetime.

About the Author:

Dr. Kevin Leman is an internationally known psychologist, best-selling author, radio and TV personality, and speaker. His award-winning books include The Birth Order Book, Parenting Your Powerful Child, and Have a New Kid by Friday. He has appeared on Fox and Friends, The View, Today, 700 Club, Mancow, and Oprah and has served as a contributing psychologist to Good Morning America. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, have five grown children.

My Review:

The female mind is quite a mystery to those men around us. Just when they think they have us all figured out, we throw them a fast one, and they haven't got a clue what just happened. We are complex beings and we clearly need to be thoroughly studied just for them to be able to figure us out. Kevin Leman , has had the opportunity to be around several women in his life, and he seems to think he has us all figured out, at for now anyway. Based on Biblical principle and his own experiences he will try to get the men in our daughters lives to learn their daughters alot better but information provided can help all female relationships these men have. So a win, win for everyone involved.



With much love and an awesome strategy the author sets our husbands, fathers, etc. to help the females in their lives, particularly the father-daughter relationship blossom to new heights. Hopefully improving on what is already there, this book will help all types of relationships for the men in our lives, where a women is concerned. The father daughter relationship is a special bond between a daughter and her father, he is her first love and the gauge in which she will choose her mate for life. The father gives so much to his daughter, more than even he realizes--until its too late. This book is a perfect guide in learning the best way to deal with your daughter and hopefully your daughter with you.

**Disclosure** This book was sent to me free of charge for my honest review from Book Look.

[Dave Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that probably doesn't offer anything new to most people, I think. But what it does offer is a lot of great advice on how to raise a daughter no matter your background, family life, or poor decisions. It is a very hope-filled book that really emphasizes that you can do it, and shows you some ways how. When I started the book, I wasn't sure how I would like it, because the author tends to have a lot of corny humor. But thankfully, he also has a lot of great advice, stemming from his experience as a dad of four grown daughters and as a psychologist. Plus he doesn't try to be a comedian, so his humor is tolerable--plus he's a dad, so I can't blame him for wanting to show off his dad joke skills.

Great book, highly recommended.

[Ed · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy Kevin Leman's work. He gives practical advice with a good dose of humor (which includes his own shortfalls). Was there groundbreaking secret truths uncovered for my eyes to behold for the very first time? No, not so much. But like many areas of life, if I could actually put into practice what I already know I would be better off. This book provided some needed encouragement and inspiration to do just that. And that makes this read worth while for daddies with daughters.

[Jimmy Reagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I certainly want to be the Dad she needs me to be, don’t you? Since three of my six children are girls, I was totally intrigued by Dr. Leman’s subject. Fortunately, the book lived up to its expectations for me. My wife has read several of his books, but this was my first one. He is worth reading! In an engaging, personal style, he gets you thinking on deeply important subject matter. I laid this book down with definate knowledge of where I need to tweak my parenting of my daughters.

He masterfully explained how girls are so different, and so bewildering to we fathers, yet they need us so badly in their lives. The sobering fact that the kind of confidence she will have in life, and the corresponding choices she will make, particularly about relationships, will come from me. He then spends the balance of the book telling me not how to be a perfect Dad, but a good Dad. A Dad who really impacts her life to the good.

He leads past the idea that we can just criticize and command them to be the person we want them to be. We must purposely leave an “indelible imprint” on them. Sadly, we actually will leave one no matter what–that is why we must be purposeful. We must realize that every child we have is different so we have to know her heart. There is no foolproof little 10 Steps To Perfect Parenting. In the case of daughters, ours is the relationship that matters most.

He explained how we Dads are different, but that is good. She needs our approval, not another girlfriend in us. She needs me to live a “disciplined, balanced” life in front of her to give her security. He coached us in how to be involved in “the talk”. That is something we would rather pass off to her mother, but she needs to hear about men from me. If we don’t, some other guy will! He also gave counsel on when there are catfights under your roof–we can be a help!

There is so much more here. He has my ear even more because of how his daughters turned out, and how they now cherish him as father. What could be better than that? Thanks Dr. Lehman for an awesome book!

I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good, practical advice about how dads should communicate with, teach, encourage, and guide their daughters. It has you step back to see the big picture of your influence on your daughter's life. Leman is a psychologist with 4 daughters, and he includes their perspectives looking back on their lives (at least one is married with her own kids). A lot of the book is about dating.

I'm not a fan of the frequent gender stereotypes. Leman refers to dads as messy and unobservant (you don't notice piles of dirty dishes, etc.), as well as macho (you're into sports, cars, etc.). He talks about boys wrestling while girls play nicely and quietly, and about their being interested in completely different things. It'd be one thing if he acknowledged that he was speaking in generalities or anecdotally, or noted that there are many exceptions, but he states these as obvious and commonly understood. When I heard, "Your daughter sees life completely different than you do," I thought, "'Completely different'? We have no common ground?"

Though Leman is a Christian, the book has very few mentions of God, Jesus, or the Bible. I don't remember the book talking about the importance of your daughter's relationship with God. Instead, it's all about the importance of her relationship with you. It says, "The fundamental ingredient in any woman's life is her relationship with her father" and "What she needs most will stay consistent: your encouragement."

Notes
The Relationship that Matters Most
A dad who rules with an iron fist increases and demands respect increases his daughter's desire to rebel against rules. Dads who relate to daughters in respectful way earn respect.

Walking the Balance Beam
If you don't treat your daughter with respect and admiration, some guy who doesn't have her best in mind, will say admiring things to her, and she'll be more likely to fall for him.

When you don't approve of what your teen daughter is wearing, say, "I know you like to wear that. It's the kind of thing your friends where. But when you do, the boys at your high school put in you in a category I know you don't want to be in. I know, because I was a high school boy once, and that's what my friends and I thought. I don't want you to cheapen yourself. You're going to be making more of your own decisions, and ones that affect your future. I want you to think about the type of men you want to attract." Then walk away to prevent her from arguing.

The Birds, the Bees, and "the Talk"
Don't draw away from your daughter as she develops physically, or she may think you don't accept her. She may go to someone else for the attention she's not getting from you.

Start talking about sex long before your daughter starts dating. Take advantage of times the subject comes up.

Say, "A boy may try something that you feel is inappropriate. What will you do? What will you say? I want to give you tools to deal with it when it happens." Share what has helped you in the past.

Help! Civil War Just Broke Out in the Family Room
If your daughters can't stop fighting, say, "You're old enough to figure this out once and for all. I'm giving you 5 minutes to go out of this room and figure it out. If you don't, I'll solve it for you, and you won't like my solution."

The Critical Eye
Realize that the perfectionist skills that help you at work are the same ones that work against you in personal life.

Ask yourself, "Am I quick to react? Do I pre-judge people and situations? Do I jump to conclusions? Is my automatic answer, 'No'? Do I have a short fuse? Am I great at finding the flaw? A nit-picker? Do I have the need to be right?" If you answered yes to any of these, you have a critical eye.

A Cake Without Sugar
Don't feel like you need to give each child a gift at the same time. Teach your kids life isn't always "fair." If kids complain, ask, "Do you really want me to treat you the way I treat your sibling?" If they say yes, say, "OK, you now have an earlier bedtime, and a lower allowance" or something similar.

Are You a Man or a Mouse? Squeak Up!
Your daughter doesn't want her to fix everything in her life. Listen to her process the problem, empathize, and seek to understand her, rather than jumping to offering a conclusion. Don't say, "The answer is simple …" Let her develop problem-solving skills. Say, "You really seem bothered by this. Tell me about it."

How to tell young girl to deal with bully
1. Confidently face bully and say, "Please don't do that again. I don't appreciate it."
2. If bully repeats, face bully and say with determination, "I asked you not to do that. I don't like it. If you do that again, I'll have to get the teacher involved."
3. If bully repeats, tell teacher.

If You See a Turtle on a Fencepost…
Instead of saying, "Wow, you're so smart, check out that A!" say, "Wow, you've worked so hard to pull up your grade in math. You must be happy about that B. Great job!"

Encourage, don't praise. Praise focuses on person ("You're the best at X"). Encouragement focuses on the act ("You work hard to X. I appreciate your effort").

Teach daughter to fail well. Let her know your love and acceptance is unconditional; that she doesn't need to earn it.

Tell your daughter stories about your own failure, to take pressure off perfectionist daughter.

On report cards, pay more attention to teacher's character comments than grades. Teach daughters that who they are is more important than what they do.

Time Is Tickin'
Share your struggles with your daughter, so she's more willing to share her struggles with you.

[Scott Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book and worth reading. I have 4 daughters and often find myself trying to engage them in meaningful ways and falling short in my attempts. Good reminder for dads to put some more effort in. I have amazing girls so I mostly just get to stand back and appreciate their individual beauty and awesomeness without having to do much correction. If nothing else the book is that reminder.

[Eric Riggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good reminders

I really enjoyed this book for its honesty, but also its vision for what a dad-daughter relationship can look like. Awesome encouragement!

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Leman offers smart, practical advice to fathers of daughters and a perspective on why it matters in this book.
A few gems:
- In a home, everyone should pitch in because a family is not running a hotel. (ch. 9)
- A daughter needs a dad who: is honest and trustworthy, is even-tempered, gets behind her eyes to see her world, lovingly confronts, has a sense of humor, gives her the gift of positive expectations, cares and comforts, is full of grace and acceptance, communicates by talking and listening, makes her heart smile. (ch. 9)
- Teach your daughter that others matter. (ch. 9)
- Walk your talk and influence your daughter for a lifetime by exemplifying the attributes of love, kindness, stability, and a willingness to serve in your actions. Watch out for evidence of impatience, misplaced priorities, competition, and cheap shots. (ch. 9)

[Ryan Kyle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for dads and even women who may not have had great dads and are trying to understand the effects of their daddy daughter relationship (or lack thereof).

The author clearly explains the differences between boys and girls as well as order of children. He provides actionable advise on how to interact with your daughter, the importance of positive feedback instead of authoritative parenting. The author has plenty of personal experiences to lean on and gives solid advice and plenty of warnings. He even touches on sex talks with your daughter(s).

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thoughtful book packed with first hand experience and fun anecdotes. As a member of the younger generation, I found it somewhat hard to relate to. It doesn't necessarily align with the norms of gender roles these days and is portrays a rather stereotypical male female relationship. Not sure this makes it a bad text, but maybe not a relevant modern day guide for new dads. I'm sure my dad (baby boomer) would find it very relatable.

[Kristi · Rating 2 out of 5]

While there were some useful pieces of information and advice, the book falls flat. I did like the use of the author's anecdotes about his experience in raising four daughters and his inclusion of Q&As with dads. But his personal biases could negatively impact the advice he is giving these fathers and the girls themselves because of the information their dads are getting. Honestly, I was hoping for more from a book written by a man with four daughters who is touted as a family expert.

[Curtis Vanzandt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed about 90% of this book, as a soon-to-be father of a baby girl. The other 10%, I found to be wildly sexist. I’m very excited to be a father to my daughter and share in her interests. I’m also incredibly excited to respect my daughter and allow her to make her own life choices without the cloud of my judgement.

[Brian Baker · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely written for the evangelical dad who is a member of the Silent Generation or related to the Duggars. Basic principles are addressed, but my word, if a member of the #MeToo movement sifted through this, the author would have to pull a Salman Rushdie.

[Luis Keesling · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is a good book with and interesting point of view, lists of hints and relevant information for a dad, a daughter or a mom.

I didn't like much that ir references several times a religious point of view, since I'm an atheist.

[Chris Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Book for All Dads

I really enjoyed this book a lot. It made me want to be a better father to my only daughter. But I warn you, read it with a box of Kleenex nearby, it’s kind of a tear jerker.

[Andrew Post · Rating 3 out of 5]

Much of this was self-explanatory, but I felt myself getting all verklempt when I reached the final chapter. I found some worthwhile and memorable advice in these pages and I'm glad I read it (as the father of a 19-month-old girl).

[Smooth Via · Rating 3 out of 5]

Leman has some decent insights here and there, but overall is a regurgitation of all the same stuff you read in pretty much every Focus on the Family book.

[Oscar Campos · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it. It made me think a lot about how I act and react with not only my daughter but with my son as well.

[Clinton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great touching book. Made me cry and helped remind me of the key ways to build positive dad-daughter relationships with each of my children.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent advice, if a bit dated. I'd love more data driven information or tips on how to think about social media and other modern concerns.

[Randy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good look at the powerful role that a father has in his daughter's life. Look forward to applying the lessons of this book

[Nate Balcom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finished the 2024 year and my reading goal with a 5 Star read! Be the Dad is a fantastic and must-read for Girl Dads. No matter your stage you'll find something to take away.

[Gary Cain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most excellent book. I wished I had read it when I became a parent, though at that time I was a very selfish person. I must say that most all of it has applications to every family relationship we have. Maybe I’ll get a chance to be a most excellent grandpa.

[Don Hobbs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kevin Leaman has the ability to make me reflect on various things in my life and do it in a way that does not make me feel like I am being beat over the head. No matter where you are in your journey of being a dad, it helps to reflect on where you have been and where you are going.

[Perry Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Psychologist Kevin Leman's book published by Thomas-Nelson and Narrated by Stu Gray is a must listen.
Stu Grey's voice brings the jovial nature of the author to life. Within seconds of starting this audiobook I was laughing out loud. The stories and life lessons some taught and some learned by Kevin Leman are shared with a fatherly love and compassion. This tone is properly presented by Stu Grey. 

Being a Father to your Daughter is a high calling and one that needs to be taken seriously. Leman uses humor and scriptural insight to bring his wisdom and experience to the listener. This is an audiobook that can be listened to on a road trip with the whole family or while walking or driving to work. This is good information for men, woman, sons,  daughters or any one planning on becoming a parent. 

Christians and Non-Christians alike can find Gold in this audiobook and I highly recommend this and any other audiobook Author Kevin Leman and Narrator Stu Gray produce with confidence.

https://mobile.audible.com/beta/produ...

http://christianaudio.com/be-the-dad-...

Read this and other Audiobook Reviews at PerryMartinBookReviews.wordpress.com and follow me @PerryBookReview on twitter also read other reviews Monthly at AudiobookMonthly.com

[Andrew_wilcox · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first started reading this book I thought - great. Another book where men are painted as simplistic emotionless animals who are incapable of ever remembering a birthday or anniversary or whatever other sitcom related stereotypes. I rated the book 1 star and had no plans to finish it.

I was so wrong.

Something drew me back to the book and many pages were read through not so dry eyes. He provides simple, clear, thoughtful insights and ideas to just communicate more effectively with your daughter. I have tried many of them and they do work.

I thought it an exaggeration when he would share a story and follow it with “…and her jaw dropped”. Then following his advice to help my own daughter with some of her challenges I handled it not the way I would have naturally but the way Dr. Leman suggested. I do not lie, her jaw dropped. I had her full attention. And we connected in an even more special way than before.

I am blessed to have already had a wonderful relationship with my daughter but this book will make it that much better.

[Eric · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of practical advice on how dads can have a positive influence in their daughter's lives. The author reinforces how important it is for us as dads to be engaged, protective, and nurturing at the same time.