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Loves Me... Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love
"He Loves Me Not" is an anecdotal guide on surviving love that is unreturned and feeling more evolved afterwards. Whether you have a hardcore crush on your married co-worker or your husband of twenty-five years walked out suddenly, this book will offer empathy, advice, humor, and a little tough love to those who find themselves continuously cyber-stalking their would-be lover.
264 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 10, 2014
49 people are currently reading
476 people want to read
About the author
Samara O'Shea
3 books37 followersI've written two books paying homage to the written word and its healing powers. My third book offers inspiration and guidance to those suffering unrequited love. My books are a melting pot of personal stories, history, pop culture, literature and advice. In addition to the books, my work has also appeared in Woman's Day, Country Living, Marie Claire, and The Huffington Post. I have a master's degree in social work and am preparing to take my clinical license test in late September 2020.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
February 3, 2014
I was reluctant to read this book. After skimming through the pages, I concluded that Loves Me Not is a garden-variety self-help book that pushes the “love thyself” theory. Nothing spectacular, nothing thrilling, nothing new. I was wrong. Although the premise and message of the book may not be cutting-edge, O’Shea’s candor and vulnerability are refreshing. She unabashedly uses her romantic triumphs and failures as a springboard for, what I feel, is her primary message: No matter how devastated love has left you, you are not alone.
O’Shea admits that she is still a work in progress. But she doesn’t dismiss the process through which she has been progressing her entire life. At times, her journey evoked tears of rage and tears of joy, yet there has always been a lesson to be learned, a token of wisdom to be cherished. “In my romantic life I’ve made some bad decisions and had some bad luck. Then again, maybe it’s good luck. When all is said and done, maybe it’ll be the best luck one girl can have.” What I appreciate most about her narrative, is that she doesn’t blame anyone for her bleak moments, rather, she takes full responsibility for the bad luck and embraces it as openly as she does the good luck.
She makes no qualms about having seen a therapist after a relationship ended, and she found herself deeply attached to the man, to the point where she felt obsessed with her fantasy of him. “There was a constant ache in my body, and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. He found his way into every one of my thoughts.” Her therapist suggested an antidepressant — Lexapro — to help boost O’Shea’s serotonin. O’Shea was open to the help, took the pill for some time, and felt a renewed sense of peace and clarity. While seeing her therapist, she also discovered a bonafide name for her obsession and attachment — Limerence, “an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.” A year later she published an article in Marie Claire about her struggle with limerence, making herself vulnerable to the ridicule of her friends. She took the risk, and her friends supported her.
That’s how felt reading Loves Me Not — like a friend sharing a cup of tea with O’Shea at her kitchen table. The insights of our conversation washed over me in waves of reassurance and confidence interspersed with moments of profound awakening and bliss. It’s good to know that I’m never alone if he loves me not.
O’Shea admits that she is still a work in progress. But she doesn’t dismiss the process through which she has been progressing her entire life. At times, her journey evoked tears of rage and tears of joy, yet there has always been a lesson to be learned, a token of wisdom to be cherished. “In my romantic life I’ve made some bad decisions and had some bad luck. Then again, maybe it’s good luck. When all is said and done, maybe it’ll be the best luck one girl can have.” What I appreciate most about her narrative, is that she doesn’t blame anyone for her bleak moments, rather, she takes full responsibility for the bad luck and embraces it as openly as she does the good luck.
She makes no qualms about having seen a therapist after a relationship ended, and she found herself deeply attached to the man, to the point where she felt obsessed with her fantasy of him. “There was a constant ache in my body, and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. He found his way into every one of my thoughts.” Her therapist suggested an antidepressant — Lexapro — to help boost O’Shea’s serotonin. O’Shea was open to the help, took the pill for some time, and felt a renewed sense of peace and clarity. While seeing her therapist, she also discovered a bonafide name for her obsession and attachment — Limerence, “an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.” A year later she published an article in Marie Claire about her struggle with limerence, making herself vulnerable to the ridicule of her friends. She took the risk, and her friends supported her.
That’s how felt reading Loves Me Not — like a friend sharing a cup of tea with O’Shea at her kitchen table. The insights of our conversation washed over me in waves of reassurance and confidence interspersed with moments of profound awakening and bliss. It’s good to know that I’m never alone if he loves me not.
January 2, 2014
I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm in awe! This book is so refreshingly real. It's as though this author has dug into my soul & ripped out every stupid relationship I've ever had & explained why it was stupid. How inspiring to know you're not the only one who is battling the survival of uncertain love & the bad habits we all share in connection to love itself. Does it have a happy ending? You'll have to read it to find out. Whether it does or doesn't it will still have taught me more than I ever wanted to know about myself. Like it or not, this is inevitably a good thing. In the end I guess I can only hope that I will tend to my flame so "it can grow into a bonfire-a beach bonfire that welcomes passersby" and indeed my bonfire will be where the party's at! Thank you for sharing a most difficult insight so that the rest of us may learn & grow as well.
February 20, 2015
I found this book by chance one day or maybe this book found me! I absolutely LOVED it! I think every woman needs to read it. It was funny, spiritual, personal, and really hit home. Most of all, I loved the core meaning of this book: to love yourself. Women need to put down stupid and cheesy self-help books about "catching" a man by playing games and becoming someone they are not. This book encourages women to let go of what is unhealthy in their lives and become strong, independent individuals that are happy no matter what life throws at you.
November 27, 2021
This book is 80% anecdotes, 18% cheesy rambling, and 2% quoting of actual research. The book sounds like a giant article that belongs in a women's magazine so I skipped through a lot.
December 17, 2013
I received this book, free, in a Goodread's First Read's Giveaway. Thank You! A well-written, informative book for ages 22-32. It is a handy guide to maneuver your way through relationships without losing your mind as well as your heart!
December 6, 2023
Maybe I'm being too harsh, but this book shows its age. The author has a disclaimer at the beginning that basically goes "I acknowledge homosexuals and bisexuals exist but I'm still gonna write this book for the straight women out there." Which was off-putting. And her advice was often either overgeneralizations, unhelpful, and/or painfully obvious. It was a slog to get through. And how in the world are you going to write a book of essentially dating advice and never once reference the research of John Gottman but reference Frued and other psychoanalysts a trillion times???
February 25, 2017
Brave, deep, and true. I loved this.
January 10, 2016
At first I had reservations about reading this. I thought to myself, "I'm married, what could I possibly get out of a book about unrequited love?" Well, I was wrong. I remember having a lot of "Aha" moments and wishing I had this around when I was dating so I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes that haunt me! Samara did a wonderful job writing this! It's very funny, witty, and easy to read! I will recommend this anyone!
August 6, 2015
A great book about unrequited love, limerence, love vs. addiction, and developing love for yourself. Full of stories and support/advice on love/relationships through a humorous read. Good references to other books such as "Going Solo" which I have been meaning to read before this book! A reminder you're not alone in the world even if you are "alone."
August 5, 2015
Such an easy and fun read yet I felt at times her truth was hard to swallow. Samara is like the girlfriend I always wanted to have by my side, speaking the truth like it is, the truth that most of the time we don't want to hear. This book will make you realize that the best kind of love you can ever have is self love, that no matter what happens, you are always whole and perfect just as you are.
November 20, 2018
I must admit this book has changed my perspective on love. I know unrequited love too well, and it was once unbearable. After reading this book, it makes more sense to focus on character and integrity, than to waste time chasing love that won't love back. Anybody obsessed with someone who won't reciprocate, or on the verge of becoming a stalker should read this life changing book.
February 10, 2014
I won this book in a giveaway and I am so glad I did!! It was really great! It kept you laughing through the whole thing while giving pretty practical advice to those who might be setting their sights on pretty unattainable men! I would definitely recommend this book!!
October 4, 2014
Great book for giving you new ways of looking at love and heartbreak. Highly recommend it for anyone struggling with something that "just didn't work out." I also really like O'Shea's writing style and understanding. She writes like a good girlfriend holding your hand thru a heartbreak.
February 27, 2016
I really liked the writing style so honest and sincere. She isn't afraid of letting herself exposed. I think that's what I liked the most about this book. Being honest with yourself first and then spreading the world. Good job Samara. :) Glad I got to read this.
July 28, 2016
This book really helped me to cope with my breakup. Though it is still hard to fully embrace and live the life that O'Shea talks about in this book, her inclusion of various relationships and outcomes helps to see that there is something on the other side of the hurting and pain.
March 23, 2014
I love this book because I learned a lot of myself and to love myself. I love the stories !!!
December 9, 2013
Love Love LOVE this book!!
September 7, 2017
I needed to read this.
September 3, 2023
Love this book
If you are looking for inspiration this is a must read. I lost myself 10 years ago. I have been looking and reading books . Trying to find answers to my question. She has given me so much insight on what I was doing. I have never dated. I marked right out of highschool and 28 years later. I am single. Don't know how to react. This book has been a great inspiration to me. I think I will read it again. I hope it helps you like it helps me. Now I need to practice self love. I am making progress all ready. I have done a few things she's talked about . Some I experienced some I have not. But I highly suggest this book if you are learning to love yourself. If you are depressed. Over someone. Love yourself. Which I am learning. I am in hopes of finding someone who can relate to me. And love me as I love them.
If you are looking for inspiration this is a must read. I lost myself 10 years ago. I have been looking and reading books . Trying to find answers to my question. She has given me so much insight on what I was doing. I have never dated. I marked right out of highschool and 28 years later. I am single. Don't know how to react. This book has been a great inspiration to me. I think I will read it again. I hope it helps you like it helps me. Now I need to practice self love. I am making progress all ready. I have done a few things she's talked about . Some I experienced some I have not. But I highly suggest this book if you are learning to love yourself. If you are depressed. Over someone. Love yourself. Which I am learning. I am in hopes of finding someone who can relate to me. And love me as I love them.
March 3, 2023
Everyone has liked someone who didn't like them back. If you're thinking "I haven't!" Why don't you hop of your high horse and join the rest of us in reality.
Your tinder match stops replying, your cute coworker turns you down for a date, the person youve gone on 3 dates with says they're not "feeling it," your long term partner doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. You've felt that sting, it's fine everyone has, and it sucks. One of the things that sucks the most is there really isn't anything you can do but try to move on, which is hard. This book doesn't try to make you girlboss and mindful think your way out of your feelings. It does help put things into perspective and help you take steps towards moving on past this person
Your tinder match stops replying, your cute coworker turns you down for a date, the person youve gone on 3 dates with says they're not "feeling it," your long term partner doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. You've felt that sting, it's fine everyone has, and it sucks. One of the things that sucks the most is there really isn't anything you can do but try to move on, which is hard. This book doesn't try to make you girlboss and mindful think your way out of your feelings. It does help put things into perspective and help you take steps towards moving on past this person
January 10, 2025
Awe-inspiring
It felt like this book was speaking directly to my soul in a language designed specifically to get through to ME. I loved every single word and will likely read it again...and keep it handy as part of my emotional emergency rescue kit. Thank you from the bottom of my sappy heart and the middle of my overactive imagination. XO
It felt like this book was speaking directly to my soul in a language designed specifically to get through to ME. I loved every single word and will likely read it again...and keep it handy as part of my emotional emergency rescue kit. Thank you from the bottom of my sappy heart and the middle of my overactive imagination. XO
November 16, 2017
Ugh. I shouldn't have read this. I think I'm going to go to the bar for a drink.
May 3, 2021
Wish I'd read this before making a fool of my self x
July 11, 2024
ما أجمله من كتاب مررت بلحظات آهااا عديدة اثناء وبعد قراءته وبفضله تعرفت علي دورثي تينوف و دراستها النفسية عن الولع العاطفي او الهيام
December 26, 2025
not groundbreaking but digestible and helped fix me a little bit
November 14, 2016
It's not a bad book, but not as advertised.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews