Your Future 'Other Half': It matters whom you marry

by Rebecca VanDoodewaard

Rebecca Vandoodewaard of The Christian Pundit blogsite gives Biblical advice for women who are in a relationship, who wish to be in a relationship, or who struggle in an imperfect marriage by addressing the spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and relational effects of intimacy and answering questions for the single or married such as: Where does love fit in? and, How do I fit in?

Genres: Christian, Self Help, Theology

96 pages, Paperback

First published February 17, 2014

Reviews

[Maeve Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve consumed a lot of dating/marriage advice in many forms over the years, but this was by far the BEST one I have come across. Helpful, scriptural, clear.

5/5

[Kyra Bredenhof · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to any young woman looking ahead to their future, whether dating, considering dating, or looking to marriage. It contains a lot of valuable insights and advice, backed up with Scripture.

[Rebeca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't even hesitate to said that this was the best book on relationships I've ever read.
The author goes to the heart of the matter and addresses the topic in a godly and mature way. Many times I felt as if VanDoodewaard and I were drinking a cup of tea together, because she writes as a mother talking to her daughter.
I recommend this book to all single women!

[Melinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book because the title intrigued me. I had never heard of the author.

For the most part, I enjoyed the book. Rebecca has some very good thoughts on things you should ask yourself about potential spouses. I loved the last few chapters on the book and wholeheartedly agreed with her on many points.

However, I disagreed with most of Chapter 2 "Marriage will impact you spiritually". She went into great detail about how not having a strong spiritual leader for a husband will seriously inhibit your relationship with Christ. While I agree one should look for a godly, spiritual man who will be a servant leader, I don't think it will hamper your walk with Christ as your relationship with Christ is a very personal thing. This quote was the most heretical quote of the book:

"As a believer, your salvation is secure in Christ, but the judgement you receive on the Last Day will be greatly impacted by your spouse."

Um. no.

So, I still gave it 3 stars because minus Chapter 2, it was a good read. I recommend it for those considering marriage, but please use discretion and godly discernment while reading. :-)

[Katrina Van Grouw · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very short read but such a good one! This book is addressed to women who are seeking marriage and are wondering what kind of men they should look for. It addresses the main things that are necessary in a man of God, stresses the sanctity and gravity of marriage, and also calls the reader to examine their own thoughts and whether they would be ready for marriage. Here are way too many of the best quotes:

"It's far better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden."
"A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.....What matters is not that your boyfriend is perfect, but that in major life areas he is standing on a firmly biblical footing."
"Christian marriage, by God's design, should multiply abilities, fruitfulness, and service, not absorb all your time, energy, and thought. It should be a source of joy, a spurring one another on to love and good works."
"Since the will of God is your sanctification, you must marry someone who makes you want to be more like Jesus and who can help you become more like Jesus... a married couple's relationship wil either be a living picture of Christ and the church, or it will be a living lie about Christ and the church."
"The ability to lead in and of itself is not a green light. History is filled with leaders who led their followers into sin and misery."
"Do you respect his spiritual integrity and leadership so much that you can submit to his decisions after you have discussed the issue together?"
"As you follow Christ in all other areas of life, follow Him with respect to your love life as well, acknowledging that His care for you far exceeds that of any earthly partner; it is much better to walk with Christ as a single person than to depart from Him while married."
"Often it is a man's speech that will either emotionally build up or tear down his wife."
"The issue if not whether your boyfriend understands you perfectly, anticipating and responding to your emotional state in exactly the right way. The issue is whethere he wants to understand and shepherd you in this area. There is a difference between his not realizing how you feel, and his ignoring you when you communicate how you feel."
"Will he value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? ....Having a husband do all the thinking and form all the opinions for a family is a dangerous thing. For one thing, it wastes the wife's God-given mental abilities. But it also means that it is easier for the husband to form errant or unbalanced opinions."
"Are you his best friend and is he excited that you are? Is your relationship with this person something you want to work on and build for a lifetime? Do you love talking together in order to know and be known? Does he respect you not only as a person, but also as a friend?"
"If your emotional attraction and warm feeling for the person- your being "in love"- evaporated at this moment, would Christian obedience and service and selflessness- your true love- pick up the dropped thread?"
"A Christian should not marry just any other Christian, but someone who if a friend, someone who is fond of them and not merely attracted to their body."
"First, you must choose your love. Then, you must love your choice."
"An average-looking man with stellar character is a far better choice than a good-looking man with average character."
"The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." -Matthew Henry

Then: What about YOU? This chapter is about the reader.
"Are you growing spiritually or have you leveled off, or are you struggling for some reason? Do you love God and commune with Him on your own, eagerly learning from His Word?"
"You will either be a drag on his holiness, or a catalyst, a sweet encouragment for his personal, spiritual developement."
"What about your tongue? What do you say about your potential husband to your girlfriends? It is a wife's responsibility to speak of him in a way that preserves and builds up his reputation, instead of revealing his shortcomings and faults to the world."
"A lack of respect from a wife can take a huge toll on a man's mental condition. But true, appropriately expressed respect for your husband can strengthen and encourage him to purse his role with even more zeal."
"If therefore, we would be respected, we should be respectable."-John Angell James
"Are you prepared for sacrificial giving, compromising, being tired without complaining, forgiving and asking for forgiveness, and doing lots of hard work without praise? if not, please don't get married yet."
"Don't be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief."

[Chris Maguire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. I read this to see if it would be appropriate for my teenage daughters to read. Full of scripture, anecdotes, stories of heroes of the faith (Spurgeon, Luther) and sage advice. This book sets forth a logical, biblical, high--but reasonable--standard for what to look for in a man, and what kind of woman to be. I was uncomfortable in parts because even after seventeen years of marriage I was convicted by parts of this book. There were two things that I took issue with, one being very minor and the other being the suggestion that there is a "normal" standard for sex in marriage and that anything abnormal is the purview of prostitutes, e.g. lingerie. I don't see anywhere in scripture that outlines what a man and women may do together in the marriage bed so long as the rest of scripture is kept in mind: be honest, be kind, be forgiving, be patient, honour our bodies as the temple of the Holy Spirit, etc. However, other than the paragraph that dealt with that the rest of the book was excellent and I highly recommend it. I would recommend "Love & Respect" and the "Five Love Languages" to go along with this book: the book presented the the idea that for a woman to be love it will be important for her to be lovable, which I agree with; however, men crave respect more than love and a man who feels respected will have an easier time showing love than a man who is loved but not shown respect.

I hope my daughters read this and take a hard look at the trajectory of their prospective suitors.

[Hannah Belyea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marriage is one of the biggest steps any couple can take, but the trials and errors of holding to a Christian doctrine in such a stressful and fulfilling relationship can take its toll: here begins a guide to figuring out whether the man you want is the man God has chosen. VanDoodewaard gives women an insightful look at the beauty of following the choices of Christ in a healthy marriage that is easy to read and share. Allow God to show you what must lay within the man of your life, and your heart as you progress deeper and deeper into the world of couples and parenthood.

[R · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think there was anything in this book that was astonishingly unique, but neither do I think there should have been. It was a simple, clear, helpful overview, that I would wholeheartedly recommend to anyone. I think in many ways it's probably the most well-balanced and succinct overview I have heard of from other people (not having personally read any others). I read it out of curiosity, and was both encouraged and convicted in a few areas approaching it from the other side of the spectrum.

[Elaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great! Short and to the point!

[Macey Levenhagen · Rating 5 out of 5]

My second favorite book of hers after “Reformation Women”!

[Mark D · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good sections, but too strongly complementarian/conservative for my context.

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful book by a woman for women

Helpful book on how to think through issues of dating as you move toward marriage. Lots of good questions for young women to think through.

[Nathalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I could have read this sooner. One of the best advices in the book is that a christian couple has to have unity in convictions esp the church.

[Clare S-B · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great little book. Nothing overly amazing or new in there, but it was nice and biblical, and if you haven't thought about how it matters who you marry from a christian perspective before, it is an easy to read, short introduction onto the topic. It is aimed at women, and I really liked how it included a chapter on remembering that you need to be the kind of woman that would be able to be a help meet to the kind of man you want to marry.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book to start on when you don't know much, but it's also a good idea to read related books from other authors, not just this one.

[Steph · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was meh. It was a good reminder of all the other things people have said, an easy read, but not very deep or thought provoking.

[Queen]

THE BEST BOOK EVER ON MARRIAGE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED! Rebecca's wittiness kept me laughing and her honesty kept me searching my own heart! Make this your read for 2019!