Love Your Enemies (10th Anniversary Edition): How to Break the Anger Habit & Be a Whole Lot Happier

by Robert A.F. Thurman, Sharon Salzberg

NATIONAL BESTSELLER To get ahead today, you have to be a jerk, right? Divisive politicians. Screaming heads on television. Angry campus activists. Twitter trolls. Today in America, there is an “outrage industrial complex” that prospers by setting American against American, creating a “culture of contempt”—the habit of seeing people who disagree with us not as merely incorrect, but as worthless and defective. Maybe, like more than nine out of ten Americans, you dislike it. But hey, either you play along, or you’ll be left behind, right? Wrong. In Love Your Enemies, social scientist and author of the #1 New York Times bestseller From Strength to Strength Arthur C. Brooks shows that abuse and outrage are not the right formula for lasting success. Brooks blends cutting-edge behavioral research, ancient wisdom, and a decade of experience leading one of America’s top policy think tanks in a work that offers a better way to lead based on bridging divides and mending relationships. Brooks’ prescriptions are unconventional. To bring America together, we shouldn’t try to agree more. There is no need for mushy moderation, because disagreement is the secret to excellence. Civility and tolerance shouldn’t be our goals, because they are hopelessly low standards. And our feelings toward our foes are irrelevant; what matters is how we choose to act. Love Your Enemies offers a clear strategy for victory for a new generation of leaders. It is a rallying cry for people hoping for a new era of American progress. Most of all, it is a roadmap to arrive at the happiness that comes when we choose to love one another, despite our differences.

Genres: Self Help, Buddhism, Nonfiction, Meditation, Spirituality, Psychology, Religion

216 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2013

About the author

Tenzin Robert Thurman was the Jey Tsong Khapa Professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University. He held the first endowed chair of Buddhist Studies in the United States. He was the author of the bestseller Inner Revolution, as well as Anger, Infinite Life, and other popular books. He was also a translator of Tibetan texts. He served as co-founder and president of Tibet House US, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the endangered culture of Tibet.

Reviews

[Cloris Kylie · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Love Your Enemies,” Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman say.

When I read the title of this book, my first question was, “How can I love people who’ve hurt me if I’m labeling them ‘enemies’?” I’ve learned that as soon as I see someone as separate from me and label him or her, I’m acting out of my ego, which means I cannot really love a person I call enemy.

Early into the reading, however, Thurman answered my question. He clarifies that “ultimately, we have no enemies. We think of an enemy as someone—or something—that blocks our happiness. But no other being can block our happiness; true happiness comes from within. Therefore, ultimately, we have no enemies.”

Salzberg and Thurman use the term “enemy” so we can clearly understand the message of love and acceptance they share with us. The book offers tools we can put in practice any time to come to terms with our so-called enemies. I especially enjoyed the basic and specialized meditations in the Appendix.

Also, the authors explain how “love” means to “wish for the happiness of someone,” so if we send thoughts of happiness to our enemies, we might not only bring happiness to these human beings (who are probably tormented as a result of their own actions,) but also achieve inner peace.

The most thought-provoking aspect of this book is the idea that we all have four kinds of enemies:
1. The outer enemy (people or institutions who’ve hurt us and situations that frustrate us.)
2. The inner enemy (negative emotions such as anger, hatred, and fear.)
3. The secret enemy (sense of disconnection from other people, which the authors call self-obsession and self-preoccupation.)
4. The super-secret enemy (lack of self-love—even at a subconscious level.)

The four kinds of enemies match the spiritual teachings that guide us to overcome expressions of the ego: a sense of separation from others, attachment to ideas and to the way things “should be,” and disconnection with our True Selves (love.)

Love Your Enemies helps us develop conscious awareness that if we don’t let go of our grudges, we won’t be hurting our enemies, but we’ll be hurting ourselves.

Sending thoughts of happiness to those who’ve harmed us isn’t something to be achieved in a day. Loving everyone is a practice, and as we grow into this practice, we’ll stop being offended easily, align with people who share our values, and let go of our personal history. I believe we need to focus on the latter. Embracing the emotions brought about by our past traumas and releasing these emotions are the healthiest steps we can take to achieve authentic happiness.

Love Your Enemies is a book written with love for the sake of love. For more about love, visit my blog, www.cloriskylie.com.

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

[Arlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me through emotional boot camp, and I need it. I have read it once and will likely re-read it probably more than once more.

I find ideas I learned from it popping to mind throughout my day. Yet, the book was neither a pleasant nor easy read.

It is one of those books that, as you read, you understand a sentence but then realize there was more to it and so you re-read the sentence again.

It is a slim volume yet very challenging, thought-provoking, and though your ego or intellect may fight what you are learning in it, as you go, you find yourself promising yourself you'll read the entire book through and put any discomfort or apprehensions you feel from learning lessons (about yourself) aside. I wanted to try to accept what I was learning about myself in the hope that I could begin practice taught in it. I'm on my way.

I recommend it if you find yourself angry and are ready to be rid of the anger.

[Katie Curlee Hamblen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Man, this was a boring slog. Yet the lessons are some of the most important for me, so I read it anyway. I can't help but feel this could have been more interesting/shorter, but maybe it felt like too much of a rehash of other books on Buddhist principles. Maybe I need to re-read it when I am no longer in the throes of baby-brain (probably true of everything I've read lately). The meditations at the back are helpful, and I did glean some goodness out of it, but boooooring.

[Jas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very important book on how to be a positive influence and get things done in a world that uses hate and contempt to try to win.

Basically, do not try to make things happen by putting others down, expressing contempt, name calling. Try to get to know the competition on a personal level, learn from them; then you can come to a compromise that all can move forward to. A different opinion does not an enemy make.

[Ram Tackett · Rating 1 out of 5]

Got a lot out of Sharon's sections. Too much traditional multi-life karma talk, and invocation of mythical Tibetan Bodhisattvas, from Thurman. Really looking for pragmatic, grounded, modern practice, not mysticism.

[Tiffany Young · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the two authors should write their own separate books. They did not sound alike nor did they seem to complement one another's writing. I enjoyed Sharon's portion better, but found it discombobulating to go back and forth all the time.

[George Bremner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Salzberg and Thurman write a detailed explication of loving-kindness in practice. Traditionally lovingkindness meditations have four objects of reflection: self, neutral other, other you love, and other you hate. Here the four categories are: outer (people and institutions that harm us), inner (destructive impulses like anger, hate or fear), secret (self-obsession and preoccupation) and super-secret (deep seated self-loathing). I like this new breakdown because it goes beyond cultivating love in our hearts and focuses on root issues impeding our spiritual progress. All practices provided thought the book are also consolidated in the appendix, which allows the freedom of reading without having to bookmark along the way.

I recommend it for any level of meditation practitioner.

[Misse Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of this book is what attracted it to me during a leisurely stroll at the library. While it is exciting, the book itself left a lot to be desired. It was one of those self-help books that left me wondering why I picked up another fluff-filled book where the author(s) doesn’t explore any new concepts or new material.

The authors focused their work on four concepts that are important to developing a love ethic in response to the ego (defined by a disconnection with our true selves). They are: Outer Enemy, Inner Enemy, The Secret Enemy, and the Super Secret Enemy.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Disappointed, and I only hope that the parts I was particularly disappointed about were written by Sharon's co-author. I found very few insights that I had not heard before, and certainly no 'How to Break the Anger Habit', as in, real ways to work on breaking the anger habit. Overall, not very insightful, or helpful.

[Jodina Renae · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far one of the most important, meaningful, significant, and wise books I have ever read. I picked it up, not so much for the title, but the authors. This is one I will re-read and refer to regularly. And can I just say that the dedication written by Bob Thurman was one of the most beautiful and honoring things I’ve ever read as a woman.

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty basic. I think I would have found it more insightful were I not already 10 years deep into Buddhist practice. But because I am it felt more like Chicken Soup for the Buddhist curious soul. Very much a Vipassana based book.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m really sorry, this book was a whole lot of psycho-babble. Very annoying. Truly, all of the things the authors go on and on, and on and on, about, can be described in much more simple terms in psychology books, or and books about relationship, depending on the author-scholar. Of course meditation is good for the brain, the body, and the spirit; of course being fair to oneself and others is practical and wise. Some of the ‘other-focused’ techniques recommended are fundamentally unhealthy, though, and to do that, solely, would be very ill-advised. Also, recommending to people to completely eliminate boundaries with others is absolutely a disservice, and when I read that the author suggested being sly about it, well, that was almost it for me in giving much credit to this book and its topic. That approach purposely involves no consent, and is, frankly, creepy and perverted. Boundaries are, in fact, very healthy to practice, have, and maintain. This books probably going to resonate with those who live in a near-perfect world and have trivial things to battle with about themselves and their place in society. One page it says everything is your fault, while the next page says nothing is your fault (discussions about karma). A total crap-shoot, this book. So weird… I’m shocked the male author is a professor at a prestigious university, to be honest. It’s a lot similar to reading centuries old philosophy texts… whimsical and full of notions without supporting facts/research. Strange.

[Annie Hurley · Rating 5 out of 5]

"You can become conscious of what you were formerly unconscious of." - Love Your Enemies, by Sharon Salzberg and Tenzin Robert Thurman

Love Your Enemies: How to Break the Anger Habit & Be a Whole Lot Happier by Sharon Salzberg and Tenzin Robert Thurman reaffirms that we hold within us the power to create our own happiness. Loving our enemies is about more than finding a way to feel love for bullies. It is about wishing love and happiness for everyone, including ourselves.

"How can I love a bully?", you might ask. The authors explain that the only way to be free of the torment of an enemy is to wish for them true happiness. Enemies also serve us by continually teaching us how to be patient, tolerant, and forgiving. Not to say that any of these are easily realized, but the authors do an excellent job of describing how we might view our enemies through a different lens that allows us to work to become more loving.

When we come to the realization that our enemies are a gift, we can awaken to the real work that must be done: addressing our inner enemies. This book not only reminded me of the destructive effects of anger, it also awakened me to view my own insecurities and anxieties for the destructive habits that they are. Beyond the outer enemies, it could be argued that our inner enemies are more important (and more difficult) to extinguish.

Love is the opposite of anger. Love and compassion wish others to be happy and joyful, while anger and hatred wish pain and suffering on their victims. The authors explain that patience is wedged in between love and anger, as the waiting place for developing tolerance and forgiveness, and eventually allows us to move on from anger to love.

Buried beneath the layers of anger are our insecurities and anxieties that result from being overly concerned with ourselves, things, and status. After personally suffering with feelings of not being good enough for far too long, it was pleasantly eye-opening for me to discover that this path is not only unnecessary but destructive. Instead, focusing on alleviating the suffering of others and improving their well-being is what really matters.

The book concludes with a brief practical introduction to metta meditation ("lovingkindness" meditation), which focuses on the recognition that caring for others is essential and synonymous with caring for ourselves.

Beautifully written, Love Your Enemies was a joy to read, and an important reminder of the positive effects of making choices towards love and peace. While the messages are deeply rooted in Buddhist teachings and at times difficult to comprehend without re-reading, the overall message of love transcends differing religious beliefs.

I found this book to be somewhat challenging to comprehend at times as I am less familiar with Buddhist teachings. I wouldn't have missed reading it though. I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to read such an enlightening view on relating to the world. Namaste!

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

[Litbitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

I managed to get through this without ever quite throwing it across the room, which I consider an homage to the book itself. Perhaps the inclusion of Religious Buddhist beliefs about reincarnation, which I find racist, was a sneaky little test of the effectiveness of the book's techniques? A little poke in the ribs, a little prodding? "Does this make you angry? Does it? Huh? What are you going to do about it? Throw me across the room? Is that really the most mindful reaction? Maybe you should re-read chapter 2."

I didn't throw the book across the room. I wrote a blog post about the suckiness of Buddhist Reincarnation, at least as interpreted by Bob Thurman, who is something of an expert. (here if you're interested: https://outofthewhitenest.com/2020/07... ) And though my body cringed every time the theory of reincarnation was offered as a reason for our difficulty, I got through it.

Please don't allow me to get in the way of your peace. There is so much good teaching in this book, so much unveiling of the way that anger enervates us, debilitates us, increases our own misery. I am clinging to this belief a little more tightly than usual these days, because I have participated in a lot of activist discussion, protest, and volunteering, largely in response to horrific, racist killings. Social media is probably the worst of it, but I have also been live that I have to be angry, that if I am not angry then I am ignorant or cold or stupid. And I think that's bullshit, but I leave myself open to abuse if I express that to more than a few, close friends.

I don't blame anyone for being angry. Anger is a natural reaction. But I feel pain for people who believe they need to hold onto that anger in order to be useful, and I feel judgy towards White people who think being angry about racism means anything or does anything. Above all, I wish everyone would accept that anger is just an emotion, neither good nor bad, and certainly nothing to build anything on. It is not a foundation, it's a terminal branch; it bears no fruit. That doesn't mean it needs to be pruned, but anything productive needs to come from another branch. *sigh* I really hope this wisdom starts to become more pervasive.

The timing is good. I've listened to Sharon and Bob today at a virtual Ram Dass Love Serve Remember retreat. Everyone is talking about compassion and the destructiveness of hatred and it is a balm for my soul. Peace, yo.

[Lucy Loong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written from a Buddhist point of view, “Love Your Enemies -How To Break The Anger Habit & Be A Whole Lot Happier” revolves around the belief that when we express anger towards another we are only hurting ourselves. It can be a difficult concept to wrap your mind around especially when you are feeling wronged or victimized by someone or simply reacting to the anger that another is showing to you.

There was one example of how to deal with conflict that I really resonated with it tells you that you should remember to equate anger with suffering. That simple. When someone is expressing anger they are really suffering inside. You may choose to engage in angry exchange or simply refuse to participate. It is your choice whether you want to accept that suffering and make it your own.

We all know the damage that anger can do mentally, physically and spiritually but most of us are called to it more than we would like to admit. This book has many jewels of wisdom to share on dealing with the anger we feel from perceived enemies internal and external. Learning to let go and love our enemies is conquering the first major roadblock on the path to spiritual growth.

FTC disclosure: I received my copy from Hay House for review purposes and was not financially compensated for this review. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book from the Goodreads First reads giveaway program. Thank you authors/publisher for the opportunity to read and review your new book.

Love your Enemies: How to Break the Anger Habit& Be a Whole Lot Happier is written by Sharon Salzberg & Robert Thurman. The book teaches us to recognize the four enemies in life according to Buddhist philosophy :

-outer enemy
-inner enemy
-secret enemy
-super-secret enemy

Dealing with your enemies are taught in several ways. In the book meditation and visualization techniques are used.

There were several sections that I particularly enjoyed. I will note a few:

-"The Myth of Control" discusses the enemy being what we cannot control people/ situations. our thoughts/ and emotions.

-"Befriending Time" another enemy due to its lack of. How to look at it differently.

-"Death the Great Awakener" the biggest enemy of all.

[Alona Perlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought some parts of this book were written, as if for me. The only thing that turned me off to this book is the the authors' conception of karma. I don't think that every single act that we perform on this earth is judged so harshly. Similarly, I don't think it's possible to be so completely "forgiving" and accepting all the time. It's unrealistic. We should strive for some of that, but if we were all that pure, we would be flying up over earth as angels, not living in the real world. There are very few saints in this world. Even, the purely spiritual and enlightened people struggle with painful emotions. It's not a linear road. The book did offer some useful advice for dealing with hurtful people in our lives, but it was limited. On the whole, the book was very well-written and acknowledge many of the things that people could be feeling and I enjoyed it a lot!

[Julie Capell · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many important things in here to think about. It's really too much to absorb; I'm sure I'll read this at least one more time. It's the kind of book where certain parts will feel very relevant depending on where your life is at the time when you read it. And other parts will be over your head. Well, they were definitely over my head! Going back and forth between the parts written by Sharon Salzberg and the parts written by Robert Thurman made for a bit of choppiness at times but each one clearly has great wisdom to share. It was a little more difficult in the Kindle edition because the only difference between the sections was the margin size. Apparently in the hard copy of the book, different typefaces are used to indicate which author is writing. That might have made it easier to see how they were playing off each other's thoughts.

[Summer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I personally didn't love this book. The writing was very flowery. Towards the end it got very woo-woo.

Of course, I think it's a very good message, but the academic and deeply spiritual way it was written just wasn't my cup of tea. This is a book for a very serious student of Buddhism.

I also found the trade off between the authors to be a bit odd. None of us has any fixed individualism, but these two can't collaborate?

The cover of this book got more attention in my work breakroom than any other books I've read. People were deeply drawn to it and wanted to express something about themselves when they saw it. I found it interesting that a phrase I grew up would be viewed as so provocative!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

notes (audiobook… hate not being able to highlight though)

- thoughts have consequences in the physical world; thoughts as action

- human potential -> to do harm, to create joy / choice

- metta; this book is better suited for practitioners who know the foundations and can find the dots and depths of the sections, otherwise it does sound like fluff (and is repetitive tbh because there are many ways to frame the same message, just gotta look at major religions for that…)

- thurman v diff than salzberg (knew going in), listening felt like listening to two short themed dharma talks, also he reminds me of yoda lol

- sincerity, authenticity, genuine presence

[Jackie · Rating 3 out of 5]

How do you react when a person or situation upsets you? If you become angry, you might find this book helpful. Whatever your spiritual background, you can learn something from this book. Anger is just not losing your temper. As stated in the book, “Anger takes many forms, from guilt, fear, and hostility to impatience, disappointment, and anxiety”. This book is about changing your relationships with your enemies and more important, with yourself. There are also some meditations and visualizations in the book to help transform your relationships in your own life.

[Craig Bergland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book filled with excellent insights. I love and respect both authors, but feel a special affinity for Sharon. She has been so helpful on my path! That may be why I found myself wishing Bob was a bit less verbose and made room for Sharon to say more. Then again, a non-hyperverbal Bob Thurman wouldn't be Bob Thurman! I do want to stress that Bob's content was excellent, as it always is. I'm more of an Insight Meditation person than a Tibetan Buddhist, which may explain my bias. I highly recommend this book!

[Vladimir · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whereas there's interesting and insightful stuff in here, it feels slightly disjointed and it's not a very smooth read. Some stories are repeated from their previous books, which I found especially annoying - the least you can do is come up with different examples. :-) Both Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman are brilliant people and remarkable teachers and I feel bad giving it 2 stars, however, I do feel that that's how many this book deserves.

[Brooks Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Powerful stuff, though it is helpful to have some familiarity with advanced Buddhist concepts or an openness to learn. I was left feeling less than capable of achieving some of the goals laid out in the book, which focused so much on perfection and less on process. Not enough attention is paid to developing the practice that leads to these insights while the authors linger on what wisdom and freedom awaits.

[Marianne Elliott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to confess that I found Sharon's section of this book easier to read, and from time to time skipped over Professor Thurman's more academic prose. But Sharon’s sections were more than enough to shine a light on exactly what I've been missing in my practice with anger. Powerful and potentially transformative. Now I just have to put it into practice!

[Sheila Allen Avelin · Rating 3 out of 5]

The two authors use different typefaces for the sections they write; Sharon Salzberg is so helpful--compassionate and insightful and warmly down-to-earth--that I kept on reading her parts to the end even though her co-author drove me batty, but the typeface made his easy to skip. If his sections weren't in the book, I would rate the whole thing much highter.

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read all of the book and reread several sections. The focus on meditation and reflection on one's own faults and similarity to others is quite useful. The rebirth and other specifically religious focus didn't interest me as much as the focus of mindfulness in every aspect of thought and reflective life.

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title is a bit misleading - the book is less about outer enemies and more about the inner enemies that make you see others as enemies. The authors balance intellectual, scientific, and spiritual approaches and provide concrete exercises and a nice combination of historical and anecdotal examples for how to be happier and more fulfilled person.

[Roger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book did me so much good that I want to walk up and down the street handing out copies. It is a tool box for changing your life. And it really is true that when your life changes, your world changes in amazing ways. I know. I've experienced it by reading this book and practicing what it preaches.

[нєνєℓ ¢ανα · Rating 3 out of 5]

The subject is pretty important and quite significant in our convulsing world in today's standards, specially in those areas where violance is a huge factor in the presence of the community and is increasing in a daily basis. Thus the book could reach much more than what it offers actually. At least, good try.