Say the Thing: Boundary-Setting Scripts & Phrases to Communicate Directly & Speak Up with Kindness

by Kami Orange

Packed with boundary-setting phrases and sample dialogue scripts, this book offers easy-to-remember guidance for navigating life's trickier conversations, and encourages readers to communicate kindly and directly on a variety of sensitive topics.

If you are looking to learn how to express what you truly feel and ask for what you want in a kind and direct way, this book will help you take control of situations and set boundaries that work for you in your environment. Giving hundreds of examples of boundary phrases and conversation scripts, it’s designed to be both easy to read and an accessible reference to pull out again and again when you need boundary-setting guidance. Featuring three boundary phrase frameworks and a multitude of topics for use in each, this book suggests communication strategies for speaking compassionately


With her friendly voice and a spark of humor, boundary coach Kami Orange is here to help you navigate life's tricky situations and learn how to stand up for yourself, for others, and to say the thing .

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Adult

296 pages, Paperback

Published February 27, 2024

Reviews

[Karina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started following Kami on TikTok more than a year ago and I also bought some of her flashcards because it’s really important for me to have good boundaries. I wasn’t taught how to build them and she does a very good job of helping you learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

She’s put what she knows into a book thankfully and I would suggest that every human read this. She gives you so many ideas and then offers even more flexible solutions as well. I was impressed with her recommendations for books and hope to read most of them as they sound like great ways to become better a human, along with reading her own book.

The world would be a better place if we could all learn to communicate as clearly and as kindly as she suggests.

[Mikayla Hadlow · Rating 3 out of 5]

Trying to be better about my boundaries and I think this had a lot of helpful information, however a lot of the scripts in here are phrased in ways that didn’t sound like me, so I can’t imagine using them. That being said I think the actual script outlines/ways of setting boundaries were really helpful and can be filled in with my own words in a way that feels more natural.

[London Back · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read. Well outlined protocol. Excellent scripts for many circumstances. Great for the younger generation who could use guidance setting boundaries.

[Sarah Hyatt · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm trying to figure out my issue with this book and overall I think it comes down to the (common) situation of: this could've been a series of social media posts (which I realize it probably was).

I put it on hold after a social media post. But the best content was literally that social media post. So. There's that.

The book stays very surface level and reads very young. The examples -- a great idea, one I was excited about -- are bizarre, random, and caricatured. Way too specific to apply broadly, extremely stereotypical in ways where there's no shortage of sources for one liner responses. Some of them were giving "chatGPT creates a conflict that would never happen in the real world with real humans."

And within all of that was a really unhelpful and kind of immature understanding of boundaries. I'm very much team "boundaries are things I do" not expectations I put on other people. Like you can 100% ask for someone please to not do X or speak to you like X but there needs to be some follow up that is ON YOU -- e.g. "if you continue to make racist comments, I will leave" and then follow through if needed.

This book focused too much on educating, or explaining why XYZ comments are offensive, and that's not only often ineffective, out of the scope of the moment, but it's also not boundary setting.

With the examples being wildly blatant and stereotypical it also missed hitting on something I was hoping it would speak to, which is dealing with more subtle, uncomfortable situations where speaking up feels especially difficult. If someone is blatantly being a jerk, it's a lot easier to speak up in that situation. I don't need a book for that. But the subtle microaggressions, the well intentioned conversations, the too-friendly assumptions or questions where it truly ISN'T antagonistic? That's what I was hoping for. That feels more like an area where guidance on boundaries is needed and important. Not with telling racist Uncle Joe that his blatant racism is bad. That's elementary school level. That's a Family Ties very special episode (no shade to Family Ties, it still hits).

I did like the commentary on disruptors and am a big fan of a mild/neutral "yikes."

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was not expecting the author to discuss her divine abilities in the introduction. Divine abilities in myself or others is not a topic with which I am familiar, nor did I think it connected with what I hoped to get out of this book. I'm so glad I kept reading, because the content beyond the introduction was exactly what I was looking for: a "guide packed with boundary-setting scripts and phrases to help [the reader] navigate life's tough topics and stand up for [themselves] and others." I even feel confident that if I were ever to have a conversation directly with the author in which she raised a topic that I was unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable with, I would be able to set my own polite boundary and we could either continue or part with mutual respect and dignity. So many things are happening and being said in the U.S. today that range from mildly to extremely problematic, and I found the author's suggestions helpful in sussing out whether a conversation or relationship can continue to be productive or should be calmly but firmly ended.

[Mollie Whitacre · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maj5ority of the book are phrases to say in certain scenarios. It is very black and white and not extremely realistic, but still very enlightening.

[Sparkle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the structure of this book in that it didn't waste too much time talking about boundaries and why you need them, instead it walked through how to set up a script for 4 types of moments to talk to people, ie, people you know, strangers, etc. And then it really spent most of it's time going through common scenarios so that you could easily skip to the sections that were most needed by you.

It did make me look at some sections that didn't apply to me and think about the responses and how I'd feel if someone said them to me, and think about my beliefs. I deduct a star because I really think a lot of this book got too general when trying to cover all common scenarios. There were a lot of topics where I could think of more commonly said disruptive things, but I get that the author was generally trying to cover many bases here.

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

My sister is considered a tall woman at six feet one inch in height. All her life people have jokingly asked her,
"How's the weather up there?"
When we were kids, we decided the best answer was for her to say, "It's raining!" and spit on their heads! To my knowledge, she never actually did this, but it was good to have a pre-planned response to a frequent question.
This part of the book is just that: pre-planned responses to frequent questions or statements that you keep getting on specific topics.

[Jeannine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I follow her on Instagram, and you can get the gist of her method from there, but the book was full kindness and positivity. I think the scripts are helpful, especially if used as a starting point and then personalized with your own speaking style.

Some gems I'll be keeping in my back pocket:

"I am not the right person for you to share that with."

"I hope you're not saying that to me because you think I agree with you."

"What an odd thing to say out loud!"

[Allie Green · Rating 3 out of 5]

Peppering in some self-help topics this year, this one on setting boundaries. I liked that this book had ready to use scripts for specific situations. As an enneagram 9, I feel like speaking my mind is often confrontational… not something type 9s like. This book was a good reminder that it is okay to speak your mind and to do so in a kind way. Being direct doesn’t have to be a negative thing! While not everything in this book was relatable, there were some helpful topics.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the scripts for different situations, and the concept of disruption words as stuck with me. I think more than half of the book are examples though, and at some point they are so individualized that I'd rather have come up with personalised ones myself using the templates than read through all of the examples

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVE this book. The boundary formulas are super helpful to keep in my back pocket, and the robust script section could also be subtitled “how to not accidentally be a jerk.” I found it so useful to read through all the different scenarios and deepen my education. Highly highly recommend.

[Brandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t say how much I love the concepts in this book!!! Life changing. The boundary scripts are so extensive. I love having a reference available to help me get better at boundaries.

[Rebecca Kaut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Th

[Stacey Miner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful reference guide to support a more empathetic nature.

[Kelly Burkitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with lots of helpful scripts and boundary phrases, a great place to start!

[Meli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved the first fifty pages and didn’t find the rest that helpful.

[Amanda N. Kile · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great structure, she sections out phrases that are helpful in various situations. An important read for people pleasers. Love her videos on social media as well!

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! Such an easy read with amazing pointers. This book has helped me a lot and i’m so happy I purchased it. It’s helped me with my communication skills.

[Elizabeth Hetterley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped to open up dialogues about having boundaries, model them and use key phrases to support.

[TJ Black · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great idea.

I quickly read though the book. A lot of the situations do not apply to me.

[Readersaurus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most of this is super useful. Highly recommend

[Anna P · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an insightful look into something we’re often uncomfortable doing - setting boundaries. Kami Orange provides helpful background on why boundary setting can be so uncomfy, and offers a myriad of ways to move forward more easily with boundaries. The scripts were probably my favorite part, and reading all the examples helped solidify the format in my mind. Kami is clear and approachable in her writing and philosophy. It’s an easy read that is organized well for returning to look up a specific scenario. I definitely recommend checking it out!