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You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult
From Lane Moore, the critically acclaimed author of How to Be Alon e, comes a searingly intimate yet wildly funny exploration of the frustrating, messy, and, at times, deeply joyful experience of learning how to make meaningful friendships as an adult.
Part memoir, part self-help, You Will Find Your People uncovers the complex, frightening, and often vulnerable process of building real, healthy friendships and finally creating your chosen family. Lane Moore takes readers on a journey that examines and challenges the ideas of friendship we’ve seen in pop culture, answers every question you’ve ever had about friend breakups, and teaches us how to fearlessly ask for what we want in friendships once and for all.
Full of Moore’s hilarious personal anecdotes, advice on how to identify your attachment style, and real tools to create better communication and boundaries, this book is your personal guide on how to heal from your past friendships, improve your current ones, and finally have the friendships we know we deserve.
“I love Lane Moore’s work, which is always funny, vulnerable, and wise, and I appreciate how seriously she treats the project of building a rewarding, secure adulthood around relationships other than the romantic ones we’ve historically been told are central.”— New York Times bestselling author Rebecca Traister
Part memoir, part self-help, You Will Find Your People uncovers the complex, frightening, and often vulnerable process of building real, healthy friendships and finally creating your chosen family. Lane Moore takes readers on a journey that examines and challenges the ideas of friendship we’ve seen in pop culture, answers every question you’ve ever had about friend breakups, and teaches us how to fearlessly ask for what we want in friendships once and for all.
Full of Moore’s hilarious personal anecdotes, advice on how to identify your attachment style, and real tools to create better communication and boundaries, this book is your personal guide on how to heal from your past friendships, improve your current ones, and finally have the friendships we know we deserve.
“I love Lane Moore’s work, which is always funny, vulnerable, and wise, and I appreciate how seriously she treats the project of building a rewarding, secure adulthood around relationships other than the romantic ones we’ve historically been told are central.”— New York Times bestselling author Rebecca Traister
208 pages, Paperback
First published April 25, 2023
590 people are currently reading
8444 people want to read
About the author
Lane Moore
8 books337 followersLane Moore is an award-winning writer, comedian, actor, and musician. She is the host of I Thought It Was Just Me podcast.
Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t became a #1 bestseller and was praised as one of the best books of the year by The New York Times, New York Magazine, and NPR. Her second book, You Will Find Your People, will be released in 2023.
Her comedy show “Tinder Live!” is regarded as one of the best comedy shows around and has been praised by The New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Time Out New York, and New York Magazine.
As a musician, Moore is the frontperson and songwriter in the band “It Was Romance,” which BUST Magazine named the Best Band of 2015, and Billboard named one of 16 Female-Fronted Bands You Should Know.
Moore has written for The Onion, The New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs, The Washington Post, Teen Vogue, GQ, Glamour, and Playboy. In her time as the the Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, she won a GLAAD award for her groundbreaking work championing diverse, inclusive coverage.
Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t became a #1 bestseller and was praised as one of the best books of the year by The New York Times, New York Magazine, and NPR. Her second book, You Will Find Your People, will be released in 2023.
Her comedy show “Tinder Live!” is regarded as one of the best comedy shows around and has been praised by The New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Time Out New York, and New York Magazine.
As a musician, Moore is the frontperson and songwriter in the band “It Was Romance,” which BUST Magazine named the Best Band of 2015, and Billboard named one of 16 Female-Fronted Bands You Should Know.
Moore has written for The Onion, The New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs, The Washington Post, Teen Vogue, GQ, Glamour, and Playboy. In her time as the the Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, she won a GLAAD award for her groundbreaking work championing diverse, inclusive coverage.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 459 reviews
September 22, 2023
This might as well have been ghost written by me. I have had all of these thoughts and feelings.
I view friendships in equal standing with romantic relationships. I feel that a genuine platonic connection means more than any sexual one. We are taught that marriage is the ultimate pact and you should strive for it above all else. Nothing else matters and nothing should stand in the way of it. But your friends are usually there before you meet a partner and there if things fall apart. They know you in ways that a partner might never have access to. If you're lucky, you find a best friend that you also want to marry and have sex with. But, most commonly, those are two separate people.
This was so cathartic to hear. That someone else thinks about life the same way I do and has gone through the grief of losing a best friend and has had the grief of thinking they might've been on the path to curating a best friendship, just to have it thrown in their face as 'oh, I thought we were work-friends only'.
I can understand the lower ratings for this book because it is written for a very specific demographic of people. I just happen to be one of those people.
I view friendships in equal standing with romantic relationships. I feel that a genuine platonic connection means more than any sexual one. We are taught that marriage is the ultimate pact and you should strive for it above all else. Nothing else matters and nothing should stand in the way of it. But your friends are usually there before you meet a partner and there if things fall apart. They know you in ways that a partner might never have access to. If you're lucky, you find a best friend that you also want to marry and have sex with. But, most commonly, those are two separate people.
This was so cathartic to hear. That someone else thinks about life the same way I do and has gone through the grief of losing a best friend and has had the grief of thinking they might've been on the path to curating a best friendship, just to have it thrown in their face as 'oh, I thought we were work-friends only'.
I can understand the lower ratings for this book because it is written for a very specific demographic of people. I just happen to be one of those people.
July 3, 2023
I heard this recommended on two different podcasts and I thought it sounded up my alley. But upon reading it I found I actively hated this book. Purportedly a self-help style book about making friends as an adult, it's actually 90% the author complaining about how all her past friends aren't nice enough to her. I'm not surprised - she sounds like the most high maintenance friend of all time. She goes into every friendship as if it's a marriage, if that friend doesn't cover every base of friendship then they're not good enough friends. No wonder she had so much trouble finding friends. In my experience you can have friends that are great for specific reasons and you shouldn't expect them to be great in every situation. There's the great listener friend, the fun going out friend, the travel friend, etc. and they don't have to check every box to be a good friend. Only the last chapter is about how you can be a good friend, the entire rest of the book is how your friends are supposed to treat you and what they should be doing to make you happy. It felt very selfish and narcissistic. Moore is also supposedly a comedian but I found very little humor in this and what there was felt very obvious and cliched.
March 12, 2023
First the good - the idea that we have been sold friendships as a media trope is powerful. We all want the Golden Girls fantasy - but it IS a media friendly ideal. Some of the lists of types of friends and how to change friendship levels are helpful.
The bad - all antidotes, based on a singular experience of friendships with no science or facts backing up and supporting the opinions. Some of the suggestions were contradictory, and others got lost in the (sometimes) amusing stories.
The infuriating - I did not connect with the writing style at all. It was like reading the transcript of a podcast or someone doing a long rambling lecture. Give this book a chapter to see if the style is right for you. Someone who enjoys reading/watching more confessional social media content will likely enjoy this approach.
The bad - all antidotes, based on a singular experience of friendships with no science or facts backing up and supporting the opinions. Some of the suggestions were contradictory, and others got lost in the (sometimes) amusing stories.
The infuriating - I did not connect with the writing style at all. It was like reading the transcript of a podcast or someone doing a long rambling lecture. Give this book a chapter to see if the style is right for you. Someone who enjoys reading/watching more confessional social media content will likely enjoy this approach.
March 25, 2023
I will confess that I was not familiar with comedian, actor, author, and singer/songwriter Lane Moore prior to getting the opportunity to check out her new book "You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult," a follow-up to her acclaimed "How to be Alone."
Because I was unfamiliar with Moore, and for that matter "How to be Alone," I approached "You Will Find Your People" with a clean slate. While I'd read enough advance material to know to expect a sort of tapestry of self-help meets memoir, I had little or no expectations other than my own attraction to the topic itself and my readiness to experience Moore tackling it.
The end result?
"You Will Find Your People" is stronger as a memoir, Moore's journey through the world of friendship often engaging, occasionally irritating, and dysfunctional enough that you can't help but understand why the author has at least somewhat struggled in the area of friendship.
"You Will Find Your People" is less successful as a self-help endeavor. This is partly because Moore never quite sells herself convincingly as an expert of sorts and, as such, I never felt even remotely compelled to accept her ideas, theories, suggestions, etc. "I Think" statements seemed awfully prevalent throughout "You Will Find Your People," yet they were never backed by anything other than Moore's own personal experience and that personal experience comes off more often than not as dysfunctional, self-absorbed, and immature. It's not that I expected a research-laden book from an acknowledged comedian, but when you subtitle your book "How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult," I do expect there to be a certain degree of expertise around the subject and while "You Will Find Your People" is often funny I seldom, if ever, felt like I was truly learning much about how to make meaningful friendships as an adult other than, to a certain degree, what had worked for Moore (even though we seemed to be told more often than not what had not worked for her).
I kept wanting to love "You Will Find Your People." In fact, I never disliked it at all. It just never really grabbed me because it felt like Moore was getting in her own way as an author. Authors like Jena Friedman, Tom Papa, and Michael Ian Black, all also comedians, have tackled similar themes with a more effective weaving together of that self-help meets memoir.
"You Will Find Your People" would have likely been more effective had Moore simply given herself to the humorous side of this discussion and focused exclusively on the memoir aspects of her journey with friendship. This would have, I think, made some of the scenarios served up a little funnier without the burden of trying to unearth how this all adds up to self-help. At times, it feels like Moore is still discovering her own truths in "You Will Find Your People" and that journey could have been incredibly captivating as someone who has found success and who still struggles in the real world of adult relationships and friendships.
Instead, we're too often left with stories that are tinged with bitterness and unresolved emotions with self-help lessons, or at least assertions, that feel underdeveloped and applicable primarily to the narrow set of readers who will identify a similar to Moore.
All this said, "You Will Find Your People" will, in fact, find its readers. Moore shares her own personal stories with openness and humor and sound-byte insights that will undoubtedly click with some readers including, especially, those who already know Moore's work and appreciate her. While "You Will Find Your People" wasn't quite the book I'd hoped it would be, Moore's willingness to open herself up and also explore how media impacts friendships offered moments of contemplation and reflection on the complicated journey toward making meaningful friendships as an adult.
Because I was unfamiliar with Moore, and for that matter "How to be Alone," I approached "You Will Find Your People" with a clean slate. While I'd read enough advance material to know to expect a sort of tapestry of self-help meets memoir, I had little or no expectations other than my own attraction to the topic itself and my readiness to experience Moore tackling it.
The end result?
"You Will Find Your People" is stronger as a memoir, Moore's journey through the world of friendship often engaging, occasionally irritating, and dysfunctional enough that you can't help but understand why the author has at least somewhat struggled in the area of friendship.
"You Will Find Your People" is less successful as a self-help endeavor. This is partly because Moore never quite sells herself convincingly as an expert of sorts and, as such, I never felt even remotely compelled to accept her ideas, theories, suggestions, etc. "I Think" statements seemed awfully prevalent throughout "You Will Find Your People," yet they were never backed by anything other than Moore's own personal experience and that personal experience comes off more often than not as dysfunctional, self-absorbed, and immature. It's not that I expected a research-laden book from an acknowledged comedian, but when you subtitle your book "How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult," I do expect there to be a certain degree of expertise around the subject and while "You Will Find Your People" is often funny I seldom, if ever, felt like I was truly learning much about how to make meaningful friendships as an adult other than, to a certain degree, what had worked for Moore (even though we seemed to be told more often than not what had not worked for her).
I kept wanting to love "You Will Find Your People." In fact, I never disliked it at all. It just never really grabbed me because it felt like Moore was getting in her own way as an author. Authors like Jena Friedman, Tom Papa, and Michael Ian Black, all also comedians, have tackled similar themes with a more effective weaving together of that self-help meets memoir.
"You Will Find Your People" would have likely been more effective had Moore simply given herself to the humorous side of this discussion and focused exclusively on the memoir aspects of her journey with friendship. This would have, I think, made some of the scenarios served up a little funnier without the burden of trying to unearth how this all adds up to self-help. At times, it feels like Moore is still discovering her own truths in "You Will Find Your People" and that journey could have been incredibly captivating as someone who has found success and who still struggles in the real world of adult relationships and friendships.
Instead, we're too often left with stories that are tinged with bitterness and unresolved emotions with self-help lessons, or at least assertions, that feel underdeveloped and applicable primarily to the narrow set of readers who will identify a similar to Moore.
All this said, "You Will Find Your People" will, in fact, find its readers. Moore shares her own personal stories with openness and humor and sound-byte insights that will undoubtedly click with some readers including, especially, those who already know Moore's work and appreciate her. While "You Will Find Your People" wasn't quite the book I'd hoped it would be, Moore's willingness to open herself up and also explore how media impacts friendships offered moments of contemplation and reflection on the complicated journey toward making meaningful friendships as an adult.
July 4, 2023
Omg I hated this so much. For the same reasons as the one star reviewers. It feels like I just sat through someone else's therapy session. The title is entirely misleading. This is just one person telling you everything bad that has happened to them in friendships. Straight up, its an autobiography.
I don't know why this was published for people to read. It's not helpful, the author isn't even good at friendships. There's one point near the end that gives you a list of tips. It's basically a wish list of what she wants from people, 'buy me presents, take me on a holiday, throw me a surprise party'.
Look, people don't owe you anything. You either enjoy who they are and their company, or you don't.
I don't know why this was published for people to read. It's not helpful, the author isn't even good at friendships. There's one point near the end that gives you a list of tips. It's basically a wish list of what she wants from people, 'buy me presents, take me on a holiday, throw me a surprise party'.
Look, people don't owe you anything. You either enjoy who they are and their company, or you don't.
May 25, 2023
I follow the author on Instagram (@hellolanemoore), so I was excited to read this one. The ideas in the book are good, but overall, the book felt really repetitive to me. There are personal stories woven throughout the book, and I think many readers will find the book relatable. I enjoyed the first third of the book a lot, and found it really relatable. But, the remainder was slow & dragged.
TL;DR: ⭐️⭐️⭐️Good writing. Relatable content. Slow, repetitive, found last 2/3s of book to be boring.
Thanks to Abrams and NetGalley for this digital ARC in exchange for an honest review. It's due to be published on April 25, 2023.
TL;DR: ⭐️⭐️⭐️Good writing. Relatable content. Slow, repetitive, found last 2/3s of book to be boring.
Thanks to Abrams and NetGalley for this digital ARC in exchange for an honest review. It's due to be published on April 25, 2023.
May 28, 2023
esse livro é meu novo guia para a vida. muito mais que um "como fazer amigos se vc é introvertido", é um livro sobre como lidar com relacionamentos em geral e como nosso passado determina como agimos nessas relações.
July 6, 2023
Cringy. I liked Lane’s first book and I can relate to her process of working through her childhood, but this book reads like her therapy journal being marketed as self-help. It’s all very specific to her needs and wants and she projects all her experiences onto the reader as if the they are universal. It made me feel almost defensive. She mostly writes about what her ideal friendships would be like and never considers her own behavior as the other half of these friendships that don’t work out. I think if you’re looking for your people, you should also take some time to look in the mirror and consider what part you are taking in these many MANY failed friendships. Just writing it off to choosing poorly in the first place is a bit of a cop out.
December 5, 2023
I had a lot of empathy for the author (who is also the author of many funny tweets), but I didn't find much value in this book or enjoy reading it. It is all over the place: semi-formed anecdotes, lots of lists, and references to TV (if you don't like New Girl, don't bother), rounded out with wishy washy advice. At the end the author suggests "feverishly" bookmarking the important sections and I wondered what exactly she thinks this book is.
June 19, 2023
Is it weird that not liking this book makes me feel mean?
This is obviously a book where the author put a lot of herself on the page, and the advice feels very personal. For a book written for people struggling with friendships in general I didn't find the advice that generally applicable. I think I would have enjoyed this book more if it was either based more in "science" or more "jokey", and it turns out it was both very earnest and not as relatable as I wished it to be.
This is obviously a book where the author put a lot of herself on the page, and the advice feels very personal. For a book written for people struggling with friendships in general I didn't find the advice that generally applicable. I think I would have enjoyed this book more if it was either based more in "science" or more "jokey", and it turns out it was both very earnest and not as relatable as I wished it to be.
January 9, 2024
I’m hesitant to slam this book, because the author really poured out her heart in these pages and that takes tremendous vulnerability. I absolutely applaud her for that and I hope she is thriving. However, I just didn’t find this book particularly helpful or interesting. The author tends to universalize her own friendship goals and beliefs about friendship in a way that is deeply unhelpful if they don’t apply to you as a reader. It also felt more like a memoir than a self-help book, with few practical takeaways, and I didn’t find the anecdotes particularly interesting or relevant. I think if you have the same personality, attachment style and problems as the author, you will really enjoy this book. Otherwise, probably best to skip it.
January 28, 2023
Part self help, part memoir, You Will Find Your People is an incredible read that made me laugh, cry, and think about my past relationships with people.
I’ve been the awful friend, the horrible one, but I’ve also been the people pleaser, desperate to have a crumb of attention. I hope in recent years, after therapy and a lot of growth and learning, I’m becoming the friend people enjoy having and I enjoy their friendship in return.
I have never felt more validated and seen while reading this. Time and time again, I shook my iPad, thinking to myself “yes!! This is exactly what I’ve felt so many times.”
I wish I had unlimited money because I would buy everyone a copy of this book. But I’m just a person working at a library, so support your local library and pick this book up there. And if it resonates with you, maybe buy a copy, too.
Thank you to the author and publisher and Edelweiss+ for the advance copy. I’m genuinely honoured to have gotten to read this. So far this is my favourite book of 2023.
I’ve been the awful friend, the horrible one, but I’ve also been the people pleaser, desperate to have a crumb of attention. I hope in recent years, after therapy and a lot of growth and learning, I’m becoming the friend people enjoy having and I enjoy their friendship in return.
I have never felt more validated and seen while reading this. Time and time again, I shook my iPad, thinking to myself “yes!! This is exactly what I’ve felt so many times.”
I wish I had unlimited money because I would buy everyone a copy of this book. But I’m just a person working at a library, so support your local library and pick this book up there. And if it resonates with you, maybe buy a copy, too.
Thank you to the author and publisher and Edelweiss+ for the advance copy. I’m genuinely honoured to have gotten to read this. So far this is my favourite book of 2023.
September 20, 2023
This was mostly a waste of time. A lot of weird, sad anecdotes about the author’s bad friends and not a lot of self help. And the self help that was included was quite repetitive. I liked the idea of it because as of today, my two best friends live in different states on opposite sides of the country, but this book didn’t offer me much insight to find more of -my people-.
August 3, 2023
I find myself continuously referencing thoughts and opinions that are stated throughout this book when I get frustrated with someone or when feel like my value isn't being respected. Although we're all just navigating the world as best we can, I found this helpful in the reminder that friendships have to be intentional on both sides. As someone who relies heavily on my friends and my support system, I realize how lucky I am to have found them. Reading this allowed me the chance to attempt to be better in growing the deep connections I already have while always being open to more.
January 14, 2023
A compassionate guide to how to find your friends the people who you feel comfortable with can relax and be yourself .Her closest friend is someone she connected with on line has hardly ever seen in real life but feels the closest to,Really interesting read and view of friendship today. #netgalley#abramsbooks
August 27, 2023
I think Lane Moore is more fun to watch and listen to than to read as a self-help author. Or I should say, if you had the same issues and experiences that Lane Moore had, I'm sure this book would be amazingly helpful to read. Otherwise I'm thinking maybe this should have been filled out more and marketed as memoir?
March 16, 2024
This book radiates empathy and warmth for the reader and wisely prompts them to bring the same perspective to their friendships. I highlighted so many paragraphs I thought my Kobo was going to stop working 🥲
October 31, 2024
3.5. Moore captures a lot of sentiment that I’ve felt while navigating my friendships over the past couple of years. However, I do wish she would have included some clinical research to support her advice.
February 20, 2023
It’s so refreshing to read something that you feel like the author peeked into your soul to write about. I’ve always thought I was missing something or making too big of a deal of the types of deep friendships I’ve been wanting.
In You Will Find Your People I not only felt seen, I felt heard. I related to so many of the stories the author shared, especially in the end about surprise birthday parties. To be able to have the kind of close relationships with people that you would be able to have friends plan something like that is something I’ve always dreamed of. So to see that other people have that dream to was really neat.
Overall this book helped me realize that I’m not alone in wanting the type of deep friendships I am seeking. It also taught me that these kind of relationships may not look the way I originally pictured, I may have already found some of my people. Getting clarity on that was everything I needed right now. Thank you NetGalley and Abrams Image for the advanced reader copy of this wonderful book.
In You Will Find Your People I not only felt seen, I felt heard. I related to so many of the stories the author shared, especially in the end about surprise birthday parties. To be able to have the kind of close relationships with people that you would be able to have friends plan something like that is something I’ve always dreamed of. So to see that other people have that dream to was really neat.
Overall this book helped me realize that I’m not alone in wanting the type of deep friendships I am seeking. It also taught me that these kind of relationships may not look the way I originally pictured, I may have already found some of my people. Getting clarity on that was everything I needed right now. Thank you NetGalley and Abrams Image for the advanced reader copy of this wonderful book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 7, 2024
Probably more of a 2.5. I had weird feelings during this one. I feel like there was a lot of projecting going on here. I also kind of feel like the author could have been exhausting in a friendship. She mentioned a couple of times that she “used to” have unrealistic expectations of friendships….. that kinda still seemed to be there. There were shining moments, but none that really redeemed it for me.
March 14, 2023
I found this book a bit difficult to complete despite its shorter length.
I can appreciate the experiences and tips provided but I ultimately didn't find it relevant. That being said I can see why it does have good reviews. This definitely offers some good insights that might benefit someone else. Thank you NetGalley for allowing me the opportunity to review this book.
I can appreciate the experiences and tips provided but I ultimately didn't find it relevant. That being said I can see why it does have good reviews. This definitely offers some good insights that might benefit someone else. Thank you NetGalley for allowing me the opportunity to review this book.
May 14, 2023
I wasn’t able to to finish this book so my rating is based on the first few chapters. I couldn’t understand why the author presented friendships as something you collect and extract benefit from. It was like friendship capitalism or something. Comparing her own experiences to television seems very immature, don’t most people understand that TV isn’t real?
June 11, 2023
In her book, Moore delves into all aspects of friendship. She rejects the unrealistic picture of friendship and provides insights on improving our relationships. She explores toxic friendships, navigating connections with exes, and intriguingly discusses various attachment styles. Additionally, she offers practical guidance for making new friends.
September 1, 2023
This book is not perfect. But I found it really cathartic to hear a lot of my own insecurities/dissatisfaction/sadness spoken back to me and validated.
July 5, 2024
This one was everything I had hoped and more. Lane has a relatable, vulnerable, and validating way of approaching her writing which I really enjoyed when reading this. Definitely a read to remember.
December 12, 2023
i enjoyed this book not in a “wow! i know how to make meaningful friendships as an adult now”! way (despite the title of the book) but in a “i feel so much less alone in my experiences” kinda way. her insights were cool and i feel like i was connecting with a big sister who went through similar traumatic friendship experiences and thus now have trouble making friends or feeling confident in friendships. it definitely reads a bit memoir-y since a lot of her claims and lessons are backed up by her own stories and experiences and not much research. still, i related so much to her stories and chuckled and teared as i read through. great book to start thinking about and questioning the concept of friendships and what we romanticize vs have experienced.
December 23, 2023
Very interesting read to see the tropes of friendship all around us and none of it matching real life lol
September 4, 2023
There is some solid advice in here; however, the amount of anecdotes overwhelms it.
October 6, 2024
A very helpful read on my journey to reform my people-pleasing & settling tendencies, toward finding more nourishing friendships as an adult (it's hard!)
July 23, 2024
Ooof. I really, really struggled with this book. I thought it would be a "how to make friends" book but it did not feel like that. A lot of it was validation of what you might be looking for in a friend, validation of your needs, or encouragement that you'll find friends one day. But I think there might have been just one section that actually had tips on how to meet new people, and I didn't learn anything new. There was a chapter on how to be a good friend, which I appreciated, but it wasn't until the end of the book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 459 reviews