True to You: A Therapist's Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself

by Kathleen Smith

A Therapist's Guide to The Theory and Practice of Creating Authentic Relationships

When’s the last time you felt as composed as you portray to your boss, family and friends? If there’s a discord between the two, you’re not alone. Humans are master pretenders―we often seem stronger, calmer and more mature than we really are, while the truth is we’re full of doubts and self-criticism that pushes us to borrow reassurance from friends, beliefs from strangers on the internet, or attention that, in the moment, makes us feel successful, but leaves us totally hollow and burnt out.

True to You is a relatable self-help guide for readers who are affected by burnout and want to learn to live less focused on others’ reactions and more confidently by their own principles. Like Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski meets Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, Dr. Smith uses examples from her own life and the lives of her therapy patients to explain how we borrow confidence, calmness, and beliefs from our relationships and offers solutions and steps for building a life with our own best-thinking.

Working with research rooted in Bowen family systems theory, Dr. Smith unpacks the science of our social nature, explaining why we’re so focused on others and teaching readers how to interrupt anxious relationship patterns. If a reader has borrowed their parents’ dreams in choosing their career path, Dr. Smith will show them how to redefine what a successful career means to them. If they only feel steady when they’re overfunctioning for others, she’ll help them learn how to let others be responsible for themselves. By the end of the book, readers will learn to build a new set of principles, more authentic relationships, and a solid sense of self in our very turbulent world.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Relationships, Personal Development

288 pages, Hardcover

Published July 9, 2024

About the author

DR. KATHLEEN SMITH is a licensed therapist and mental health writer who lives in Washington, DC. She has written for popular publications such as Slate, Salon, New York Magazine, Lifehacker, Bustle, and Counseling Today, among many others. She is an associate faculty member at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family and hosts the show Family Matters, a production of the University of the District of Columbia.

Reviews

[Angela DeMaio · Rating 4 out of 5]

if you are an overthinker + people pleaser, you will get something out of this book!

[Morgan Stoker Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ She's done it again!

True to You focuses on the tendency for humans to seek reassurance from others which leads to inauthentic relationships and burnout. The book offers guidance in recognizing the different ways we mask to deal with anxieties in relationships. She gives tips for interrupting bad relationship patterns and solidifying a stronger sense of self to handle anxieties instead of avoiding them. Each chapter ends with a summary and three exercises to apply what has been taught.

There is overlap with Everything Isn't Terrible, but this one gives a lot of solid examples that helped me understand the principles more. As a people pleaser, I appreciated concrete examples and steps to self-confront.

I received an advanced audio book copy from NetGalley. All opinions are my own and voluntarily provided.

[Julie Gentino · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t agree with everything in this book but there was still so much good advice for growing in emotional maturity and healthier relationships. I recommend!

[Krisi Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Thank you NetGalley for allowing me to listen to this audiobook in exchange for my honest review.

I am not one for self-help books, I usually tend to find them boring and a little too preachy. Kathleen Smith does an excellent job of sharing her passion for people first thinking. She makes some humerus content in the middle of helpful and informative advice. Primarily she is focused on Bowen theory, which I had never heard of but was very interesting to learn about. I really enjoyed the different stories of various clients that she had, as well as the chapter nuggets and homework to think about.

I would never assume that I would be able to remember everything from one listen. I loved listening to this book, but I would also like a hard copy that I could reference and reflect on when I want to go back to it. Overall, if you’re looking for information and tips on how to strengthen your ability to evaluate yourself and your relationship with others, this is an excellent read.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

“True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself” by Kathleen Smith, narrated by Christine Lakin, is a compelling and insightful audiobook that delves into the intricacies of human relationships and self-identity. This review will explore the key themes, narrative style, and overall impact of the audiobook, providing a comprehensive analysis of its strengths and areas for improvement.

** Key Themes and Content

At its core, “True to You” is a self-help guide aimed at individuals who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and the constant need for external validation. Kathleen Smith, a seasoned therapist, uses her extensive experience to offer practical advice on how to break free from these patterns and develop a stronger sense of self. The book is structured around several key themes:

1. Interrupting Relationship Patterns: Smith emphasizes the importance of recognizing and disrupting unhealthy relationship dynamics. She provides actionable steps to help listeners identify patterns that keep them stuck and offers strategies to create more authentic connections.
2. Building Self-Reliance: One of the central messages of the book is the need to rely less on praise and approval from others. Smith encourages listeners to develop their own principles and values, fostering a sense of self-worth that is independent of external validation.
3. Navigating Anxiety: In today’s fast-paced world, anxiety is a common issue. Smith addresses this by offering techniques to build resilience and maintain a solid sense of self even in anxious times. She combines scientific insights with practical exercises to help listeners manage their anxiety effectively.
4. Creating Authentic Relationships: The book also explores the science of our social nature, explaining why we often try to be what others want us to be. Smith provides tools for building more genuine and rewarding relationships, emphasizing the importance of being true to oneself.

** Narrative Style and Delivery

Christine Lakin’s narration of “True to You” is a standout feature of the audiobook. Her clear and engaging voice brings Smith’s words to life, making the content accessible and relatable. Lakin’s delivery is both warm and authoritative, striking the perfect balance between empathy and expertise. Her ability to convey complex psychological concepts in a straightforward manner enhances the overall listening experience.

Smith’s writing style is another highlight. She uses a blend of storytelling, humor, and scientific explanations to keep the listener engaged. The anecdotes from her therapy clients add a personal touch, making the advice feel more tangible and applicable to real-life situations. Smith’s humor lightens the tone, making the book enjoyable to listen to despite its serious subject matter.

** Strengths

One of the major strengths of “True to You” is its practicality. Smith doesn’t just offer theoretical insights; she provides concrete steps and exercises that listeners can implement in their daily lives. This makes the book not only informative but also actionable. The exercises are designed to help listeners build a life based on their own best thinking, rather than being overly responsible for others.

Another strength is the book’s relatability. Smith’s use of real-life examples and her conversational tone make the content feel accessible. Listeners can easily see themselves in the stories she shares, which helps to reinforce the book’s messages.

The audiobook also excels in its holistic approach. Smith addresses the psychological, emotional, and social aspects of people-pleasing, providing a comprehensive guide to personal growth. Her emphasis on self-reliance and authenticity is particularly empowering, encouraging listeners to take control of their own lives.

** Areas for Improvement

While “True to You” is a highly effective self-help guide, there are a few areas where it could be improved. Some listeners might find the book’s focus on therapy clients’ stories to be repetitive at times. While these anecdotes are valuable, a more varied approach to illustrating the concepts might enhance the overall impact.

Additionally, the book’s exercises, while practical, might benefit from more detailed explanations or examples. Some listeners might find it challenging to apply the exercises without additional guidance. Including more step-by-step instructions or case studies could make the exercises more accessible.

** Overall Impact

“True to You” is a valuable resource for anyone looking to break free from people-pleasing tendencies and develop a stronger sense of self. Kathleen Smith’s expertise and Christine Lakin’s engaging narration make this audiobook a compelling and practical guide to personal growth. The book’s emphasis on authenticity and self-reliance is both timely and empowering, offering listeners the tools they need to build more fulfilling relationships and live more confidently by their own principles.

In conclusion, “True to You” is a must-listen for anyone seeking to understand and overcome the patterns that keep them stuck in unhealthy relationships. Smith’s blend of storytelling, humor, and practical advice makes this audiobook an enjoyable and transformative experience. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, seeking more authentic connections, or simply looking to build a stronger sense of self, “True to You” offers valuable insights and actionable steps to help you on your journey.

[Audrey Stars in Her Eye · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like the pop culture references included in each chapter.
The book is easy to read but everything in it is so basic. It doesn't give much to go about making changes. This might be good for people just breaking into self-help or therapy. But it won't help those who are deep into these topics.

I received an ARC for review; all opinions are my own.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a therapist, I rationally know how to set boundaries, but to implement them is another thing. Reading a book written by a therapist about the importance of therapists utilizing the skills we teach everyday was a breath of fresh air. I have read a few books written by therapists that seemed very invalidating, but this book was helpful and supported by Bowen therapy. I enjoyed the attachment theory portion—it makes perfect sense how people pleasing goes hand in hand with your attachment style.
Thank you NetGalley for giving me an advanced readers copy for an honest review.

[Nima Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the better self-help books I have ever come across. This should be read by every person who spends their life trying to please others. Full of helpful, insightful, and easy to follow ideas on how to improve oneself. Highly recommend!!

Thank you, #Netgalley and #McMillanaudio, for this ARC.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book version.

This gave me a lot to think about. I'm reconsidering what it means to be mature, what my reactions are to people around me, and why I have those reactions. I think this is one of those books I'll have to go over a few more times to really let the message sink in.

[Kristin Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Very insightful and helpful.

I listened to the audiobook read by the author the promptly checked out the Kindle version from the library. I suspect I highlighted half the book.

[Daniel Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eye opening for first half of book. Second half did not seem practical/insightful.

[Jackson Steele]

A fantastic introduction to Bowen Family Systems Theory. Smith unpacks our common responses to emotional tension in a clever and captivating way and convicts us to change the way we live to grow in emotional maturity.

[Lizz Kupfer · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's fascinating to read about connections in this way: over or under functioning, the entire Bowen theory. The examples given are great.
I definitely could see the usefulness of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture when it comes to relationships.

[Amanda Hodde · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an ARC from a GoodReads giveaway.

I really enjoyed this book. As a person who always says yes, even when my body is screaming no, this lead me directly through why my thoughts and actions are a detriment to my own health.

I would encourage anyone who feels that they need to be available 100% of the time. People who push aside the things that are important to them in order to allow others to have the things they want. I know I have learned some tips on how to say no and feel ok about it.

[Joan · Rating 3 out of 5]

We need relationships but we need to be individuals too. Smith uses systems thinking to see the whole of relationship issues. The first part of the book looks at relationships and how we try to keep things calm by sacrificing our selves. I like that she give examples, stories that are composites of her therapy clients. The second part of the book deals with growing into the mature state of directing our selves as individuals. I really appreciate the review of chapter main points at each chapter end as well as practical exercises to personally investigate that chapter teaching.

As a people pleaser much of my life, I learned important ideas and strategies from this book. Investigating the family relationship systems was important to me as it revealed the basis for my actions. I like the insights into how we lose self and then what it looks like to act as an individual. I appreciate learning how to respect the people with whom I have relationships yet maintain my own individual person.

This is a book containing a great deal of actionable ideas and strategies. It is a good one to work through and there is lots of work to do. Reading and discussing it with a trusted friend may be the best was to incorporation the information into one's life.

I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.

[RxReads · Rating 5 out of 5]

"True to You," by Kathleen Smith, is a refreshing and insightful guide for those of us who often find ourselves bending over backwards to please others. Smith skillfully breaks down the patterns that keep us stuck in people-pleasing mode and offers practical strategies to reclaim our sense of self. Drawing from real-life examples and her own therapy practice, she provides actionable steps to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate more fulfilling relationships. Smith's emphasis on self-responsibility resonates deeply, offering a path to freedom from the exhausting cycle of seeking validation from others.

Overall, "True to You" is a game-changer. It's not just another self-help book; it's a roadmap to reclaiming your life and finding authenticity in a world full of expectations. Whether you're a chronic people-pleaser like me or simply seeking guidance on building more meaningful relationships, this book is a must-read.

[Rebecca Brenner Graham · Rating 2 out of 5]

bought the book bc the author was great on a podcast, but the book probably should’ve been an essay or listicle

[Zenon Sommers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I rarely give five star reviews, but hear me out on this one. This book surprised me. I was expecting standard self-help fluff, delivering a brief dopamine hit of affirmation without providing tools that might lead to lasting improvement.

Instead, I found a firm examination of common difficulties people face when relating with others—some of which were uncomfortably familiar. At the same time, the tone remains encouraging, focusing on our capacity for growth toward a more satisfying life. These insights are grounded in solid psychological theory and research. To help the determined reader apply the book’s insights, each chapter ends with three simple exercises.

Kathleen Smith accomplishes all this with remarkable humility. The presence of the therapist in the case studies that accompany each chapter is nearly invisible. Little time is spent establishing the author’’s credentials, which are instead verified by the calm confidence with which she approaches her subject. The writing is clear and compelling, to an extent not usually found in books by subject experts, even those that top bestseller lists.

Tangent: One gripe I often have with popular nonfiction is the tendency to end books with preachy conclusions that depart from the subject matter into the author’s personal beliefs about what needs to change in the world. When Smith introduced her conclusion, I dreaded that it would sour my otherwise meaningful experience of the book. Instead, Smith presents modest, research-based observations about society-wide tendencies in our approach to relationships and possible pitfalls to watch out for.

I think everyone can benefit from reading this book. Even if you don't find anything that fits your own life—an unlikely proposition, but let's humor it—you'll find yourself equipped with a conceptual framework useful for understanding the people you relate with in your life and why they relate with you in the way they do.

Kathleen Smith has gained a devoted fan in me. I plan to read her other book, and later to purchase my own copy of this book to reread in the future. I hope you’ll find as much value in it as I did.

To comment on the audio edition specifically, my experience was mostly positive, with one gripe. The version of the audiobook I listened to had very harsh S sounds, something that is usually fixed in post-production. I hope that this will be remedied for the final retail version, but perhaps it would be worth checking the sample ahead of time in case this would get on your nerves. The audiobook should come with a PDF containing various exercises, lists, and charts, though I did not have the chance to view it myself.

Thanks to NetGalley for the advance copy of this audiobook.

[Vanessa Adelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

True To You: A Therapist's Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself by Kathleen Smith was a surprisingly enjoyable listen. Self-help books can be hard to make engaging via audio, but Christine Lakin's narration, pacing, and gentle tone were the perfect fit for this 6 hour listen.

True to You builds on the concept that human beings are "master pretenders" and that this pretending can lead to excessive reassurance from our loved ones, from strangers the internet, and that this inauthentic way of living and people-pleasing can lead us on a pathway to burnout.
As a therapist in the mental health field, I often crack the spine of a self-help book with a lot of skepticism. I was pleased to find that Dr. Smith's book was grounded in family systems theory and that she also tied in cognitive behavioural therapy strategies and attachment theory to make this a very well-rounded resource for readers. The writing is very accessible for folks wanting to work on a variety of topics like how anxiety influences our decisions and how we have the tendency to purchase stability in our relationships at a great cost. Dr. Smith provides questions for further processing as well as "Chapter Nuggets" at the end of each chapter, helping the reader to take the concepts presented and apply them to their life in a meaningful way.

Overall, I think this book is a great addition to my self-help shelf and has concepts that I plan on using in my own life as a therapist and someone who is recovering from a life of people pleasing.

4 Stars.
Release Date: July 9, 2024

Thank you so much to the publisher and MacMillan Audio for providing me with an arc of this book via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[jackie norris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Bowen theory and systems thinking. It's relevant and empowering. Smith does a great job of making this theory accessible. I've seen some criticisms of the book, saying there aren't many techniques... but that criticism entirely misses the point. The idea is for you to get clear on your own thinking, strengthen your solid self and make changes you feel good about.

Some things that will stick with me:

- This is differentiation of self. It requires no cooperation, no particular response from another person.

- The industry we call self-help often has very little self in it at all... We spend a lot of energy trying to be gurus or trying to find them. Both are attempts to gain pseudo-maturity through our relationships.

- This is the paradox of chronic anxiety in a family - we focus on one another so much that we cease to know one another at all.

- Humans are experts at self-delusion. Often we think we are working on ourselves when we are not. We're simply trying to manipulate others by tinkering with our own behavior. The goals we claim for ourselves are secretly the goals we have for others.

- "Are my needs being met?" This is one of the slipperiest questions you can ask in a relationship, simply because it's a great way to dial up the anxiety.

- Accountability is an expression of self, a determination of how you will respond to the poor behavior of others. It is not an immature fixation on others to manage your own anxiety.

- Before you stand up for beliefs, you have to have beliefs. It's hard to do the standing if you haven't done the sitting - the thoughtful work of figuring out what you think.

- By sticking to what's automatic, we purchase stability at a great cost.

[Michelle Jerome · Rating 5 out of 5]

The moment I started listening to this audiobook, I felt it was talking about me. And you know what—it felt good to hear that others think and act like I do. It was comforting and validating. What also felt good were the "What to do about it" sections in each chapter. They provided practical, actionable advice that I could immediately apply to my life. This book was so impactful that I need the written copy too.

I am so grateful to have been given an advanced copy to review from NetGalley. Kathleen Smith's expertise as a therapist shines through, making this a highly credible and valuable resource.

If you are a perfectionist, which I am—this book will blow your mind. While many people have mentioned the term people pleaser, I want to broaden the audience for this book to include perfectionists and narrow it a bit to anxious perfectionists. Now, I know you may be too perfectionistic to admit you're anxious but hear me out—this book will help you chill.

The narration was great. I suggest buying both the audio and the written versions so you can follow along and fully comprehend what the author is saying. The chapters are well-organized, and the exercises at the end of each chapter are incredibly useful for self-reflection and growth.

PS: I liked the book so much that I signed up for the author's newsletters.

Overall, "True to You" by Kathleen Smith is a standout self-help book that offers practical advice and deep insights into overcoming perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors. It's a must-read for anyone looking to improve their mental health and build healthier relationships. Highly recommended!

[wellreadtraveler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Boy was this book made for me and probably a lot of other women who find themselves putting others before themselves.
"It's incredibly rewarding to live a life where people know what we're about. A lif where we look forward to getting to know ourselves."
True to you is just that...a book about how you can find out what you want, what you need, who you are or who you want to be, and own it. So many people find themselves being different people to each friend depending on what they think the person wants. You may be giving that person the version of you that they want but in the end your not being honest or fair to yourself.
Many years ago I made a promise to myself to be the silly, wild, crazy, and sometimes inappropriate person I am. If people don't like these things then we probably shouldn't be friends. This way everyone who I surround myself with is a true friend. I can be myself and my friends can be themselves.
True to You will get you thinking and learning how to put yourself first which for a lot of women is difficult.

[Stacey (Bookalorian) · Rating 4 out of 5]

True to you - a therapists guide to stop pleasing others and start being yourself by Dr. Kathleen Smith

This self help guide is all about learning to live your life with less focus on others reactions and more about your own principles.

A novel approach to life. I’ve never cared much about what people think about me but I know a lot of people do so I was intrigued to see what the author had to say about how to navigate this life altering philosophy.

I loved the exercises that’s included. I can see now this would be a huge help for someone looking to make changes in their lives. It’s well written and easy to follow.

I would highly recommend this book to people pleasers looking to do more pleasing of themselves (I did not mean that to sound dirty!)

4 stars. I would have given the book 5 stars had it a more of a conversational tone but that’s just my preference.

Thank you @stmartinsessentials for my gifted copy!

[Emily | bookwhispererem · Rating 4 out of 5]

ℝ𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ | 𝔽𝕠𝕣𝕞𝕒𝕥: 𝐸-𝐵𝑜𝑜𝓀 & 𝒜𝓊𝒹𝒾𝑜𝒷𝑜𝑜𝓀

ℝ𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨: 𝐀𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞, 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐧𝐞’𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝑻𝒓𝒖𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐃𝐫. 𝐒𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫; 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐃𝐫. 𝐒𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 (𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡) 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲! 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫-𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐞𝐫, 𝐈 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.

𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝒦𝒶𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝒮𝓂𝒾𝓉𝒽, 𝑀𝒶𝒸𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒶𝓃 𝒜𝓊𝒹𝒾𝑜, 𝒮𝓉. 𝑀𝒶𝓇𝓉𝒾𝓃'𝓈 𝒫𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈, & 𝒩𝑒𝓉𝒢𝒶𝓁𝓁𝑒𝓎 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒜𝑅𝒞! 𝒜𝓁𝓁 𝑜𝓅𝒾𝓃𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓂𝓎 𝑜𝓌𝓃.

[Michelle Brafman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so grateful to Kathleen Smith for writing this wonder of a guide to living with a lot more equanimity, especially during tricky times. A must read for people pleasers or anyone who wants to better understand who they are and how they can function better within the context of a larger system, be it a family, workplace, acapella group, you name it. Smith's writing style is smooth and conversational, and she's funny and smart as heck. These qualities enable her to effortlessly convey the complexities and elegance of systems thinking (Bowen theory) to show how we can spot and in turn interrupt old (some multi-generational) patterns. What a gift, the book and the author. It would be a great book club pick!

[Nadia Lynch · Rating 4 out of 5]

True to You by Dr. Smith offers a fresh perspective on creating authentic relationships and living by one's own principles. The book emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and curiosity, urging readers to focus less on others' reactions and more on their own responses in various situations. Dr. Smith's approach is grounded in practical advice, providing actionable steps to interrupt negative relationship patterns, reduce dependence on external validation, and build a solid sense of self. With real-life examples, this book encourages readers to take responsibility for their own well-being and relationships, offering insight into greater confidence and authenticity. A good read for people-pleasers!

[Dre · Rating 4 out of 5]

True to You by Dr. Kathleen Smith is one of the best self-help books I've read in a while! As an overthinker and recovering people-pleaser, I could totally relate to the scenarios the author presented in this book. Not only does Dr. Smith illustrate different situations in which one would find themselves people-pleasing, she offers practical solutions for them all. Whether you find yourself masking for tense family gatherings or are looking to find a way out of a one-sided friendship, True To You does a great job of helping readers foster healthy relationships without losing themselves. I absolutely recommend this book!

Many thanks to Netgalley and St. Martin's Press for the digital and physical copies of True to You.

[Laura Skladzinski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the best self-help books I've read in a long time - I've been recommending it to all of my friends! Dr. Smith breaks down why we are people pleasers, how it manifests, and offers practical ways to change - so much of which resonated with me. While often books like this have one or two points and then spend hundreds of pages repeating them, this felt fresh and insightful throughout, while being written in an easy-to-read conversational style that skillfully blended research with anecdotes and examples. Don't miss this awesome book if you are a people pleaser or have any form of anxiety!

[Michal naka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who has dived into the world of Family Systems Theory knows that this way of thinking is not natural or easy. However this book is an approachable and in depth overview of Bowen Systems Theory for anyone who is looking to develop their systems thinking muscle. Kathleen shares real stories and concrete examples of core systems theory concepts. I enjoyed her ability to distill these concepts down. I appreciated that each chapter had a summary at the end and also a set of reflection questions. I think this book is a great overview for people trying to get acquainted with systems theory in their own life.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parts of this book were thought-provoking for this admittedly over-functioning person. I enjoyed how she provided examples of all types, nuggets of wisdom, and conclusions that felt realistic instead of perfectly polished.

However, her kitschy catchphrase for this book was “allergic to ______”. At first it was poking fun at herself (allergic to housework maybe? I honestly forget) and it was cute. The novelty of the phrase wore off by the second time, and by the fifth usage I felt like I was developing a tic.