Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents

by Amy C. Yip, Brandi Lai ((Editor)), Nancy Graham-Tillman (Editor)

If you've ever yearned for your parents' approval, felt the weight of their high expectations, or experienced the burden of unspoken obligations to care for them as they age, you're not alone.


Too often, we hesitate to ask our parents about their lives, held back by mistaken beliefs or past conflicts. With warmth, wit, and vulnerability Amy Yip explores the profound influence her parents had on her life and offers you a roadmap to navigate conversations with your own parents.


In Unfinished Business, Amy takes us on a heartfelt journey from detachment to deep connection with her own parents as she delves into the stories she holds about them; from "My success will never be good enough for my parents" to "I must be mentally tough and never ask for help" and everything in between. She illuminates the power of conversation as she invites us to see the world through her and your parents' eyes. By engaging in meaningful dialogues and taking the time to truly understand their experiences and struggles, we discover that our parents are not just figures from our past, but complex individuals with their own hopes, dreams, and fears.


Each chapter provides a framework of self-reflective prompts, practical tips, and thought-provoking questions to ask your parents, empowering you to embark on your own journey of connection. Because, regardless of the generation we belong to, we all long to be heard and understood. And that includes our parents. Join Amy on this poignant exploration of family, identity, and the power of conversation. It's time to embrace the unfinished business, unravel the untold stories, and forge a deeper bond with the ones who shaped us.


This is not and was never going to be easy. But it can get easier.


"The book I needed to read while struggling to straddle two worlds, American culture and that of my parents - Vietnamese refugees who escaped into the United States with only the clothing on our backs. Amy tells her story of finding her way home by examining her relationship with her parents. In doing so, she tells many of our stories with warmth and vulnerability, shining a light on the tenuous but beautiful of the parent-child relationship."
Lan Phan, community of SEVEN, CEO


"'Relationships are hard and relationships with parents are REALLY hard'. lf you've got parents and can relate to this quote then get ready for a menagerie of stories that will make you laugh and contemplate how you learned to love."
Julie M. Wong, Leadership & Mental Fitness Coach, iEmpower Coaching

364 pages, Hardcover

Published September 28, 2023

Reviews

[Becca · Rating 2 out of 5]

After reading this, I can see where it can come in handy and helpful for pretty much all parents and their children.
I hesitate only for those parents that have been in, or seen war due to wartorn countries.
There are many refugees that are trying desperately to find a safe place to live, even if it is for only until things are better.
PTSD can be a hard thing to endure. But also be impossible for a parent/partner to discuss with anyone.
I wish you all the best with learning your parent's personal stories.

[Billy Buttons · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was entered in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. This is what our readers thought:
Title: Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents
Author: Amy C. Yip

Star Rating: 4 Stars
Number of Readers: 15
Stats
Editing: 8/10
Writing Style: 7/10
Content: 7/10
Cover: 3/5
Of the 15 readers:
11 would read another book by this author.
10 thought the cover was good or excellent.
15 felt it was easy to follow.
13 would recommend this book to another reader to try.
Of all the readers, 9 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
Of all the readers, 3 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
Of all the readers, 3 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘clarity of message’.
10 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
11 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.

Readers’ Comments
“Enjoyed this very much, the author successfully exploring family, identity, and parental expectations all the while encouraging children to talk to parents to improve understanding. Well-written, highly personalized, and compelling.” Male reader, aged 55
“A book of this nature helps readers to understand that talking to parents can be very, VERY difficult. The sort of book that helps you to feel you are not alone.” Female reader, aged 39
“Parent-child relationships can be difficult, particularly when the child grows up and sees the world differently. In this book, the author looks at ways of bridging the gap. Particularly of interest to children of immigrants.” Female reader, aged 66
“The author not only helps the reader to understand why parent/child conversations can be so difficult, she also offers tools of how to ‘get things moving’. Insightful.” Female reader, aged 61
“Accessible, dryly written in parts, but still highly valuable for a niche readership. The author has taken on a difficult subject (almost taboo) and has attempted to help older children ‘break down the walls’ (as the excellent cover suggests) between different generations.” Female reader, aged 70

To Sum It Up:
‘A compelling, accessibly written self-help book attempting to help adult children and immigration parents find common ground and better understanding. A RED RIBBON WINNER and highly recommended!’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards

[Karen Mustonen]

"Unfinished Business" explores the profound and complex tapestry of human relationships, with a focus on the core essence of humanity, family life, and love. The novel delves into the challenges faced by immigrant parents as they raise their American-born children in a new country and culture, all while holding steadfast to their deeply ingrained beliefs and values from their homeland.
Amy Yip's work is a labor of love, a heartfelt portrayal of the immigrant experience that resonates with authenticity and empathy. The story vividly illustrates the sacrifices and struggles of these parents as they navigate the delicate balance between preserving their cultural heritage and embracing the opportunities of their new life.
At its heart, "Unfinished Business" is a poignant exploration of the universal themes of love and family. It highlights the unwavering love of immigrant parents who pour their hearts into nurturing their children, even when faced with the challenges of assimilation and generational gaps. It's a story that beautifully captures the nuances of intergenerational relationships and the eternal quest for understanding between parents and children.
In a world where the clash of cultures and the search for identity are prevalent, "Unfinished Business" reminds us of the enduring power of family bonds and the importance of recognizing the sacrifices made by those who came before us. Amy Yip's novel invites readers to reflect on the complexities of family dynamics, cultural heritage, and the enduring love that connects us all.
"Unfinished Business" is a compelling read that explores the enduring threads of love and family, making it a book that will resonate with readers of all backgrounds and experiences. Amy Yip's storytelling paints a vivid picture of the human experience, leaving readers with a deep appreciation for the intricate web of relationships that shape our lives.

[Jeleen Briscoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so deeply grateful for this amazing work and know that it will help so many first and second generation kids (and yes we are all still kids, no matter our age). Through my AAPI advocacy work, I meet SO many of us who are holding ourselves back in all of our spaces--personal and professional--based on myths we tell ourselves we carry from our parents. "Intergenerational trauma" has become a term that is thrown around more and more, but we have been at a loss on how to get past it. Until now.

Armed with a phone, pen, a box of photos and Google Translate, Amy helps us shed that trauma and get us to the place we long to be: letting go of the myths and truly seeing and valuing the unique power, resilience, and strength that we have inherited through our parents, whether they raised us as immigrants in this country or had to give us up and stay behind so that someone else could raise us into a better life. And this book is NOT just for those of Asian heritage. It will resonate with anyone who longs to understand their parents and elders better and who doesn’t want them to waste any more precious time in misunderstandings and crossed communication.

In this book are tangible tools (like journal prompts and discussion guides), hard truths, raw vulnerable lived stories, and moments of love and connection between parents and children and family that would have gone uncovered if not for Amy's tenacity in digging deep. The book is beautifully arranged, with proverbs, photos, and questions that will stick with you long after you put it down.

[Julie Huang · Rating 5 out of 5]

At some point in our lives, parents move from being just parents to being real people. Navigating this transition in the parent-child relationship can be tricky, awkward, and uncomfortable. For children of immigrants, like myself, it almost seems impossible to cross this bridge. However, after reading Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents, I have newfound confidence and inspiration to cross this bridge with my own immigrant parents for the sake of better understanding them as people because their stories matter. And in this journey, I hope to better understand myself as well and ultimately strengthen my connection with them.

In this book Amy Yip does a fantastic job of delving into very common misconceptions that in particular children of Asian American immigrants often have. She describes both her own personal experience as well as the expriences of her parents with a rawness and vulnerability that truly resonated with me. I could imagine my parents and me sharing similar thoughts over such taboo topics if we were to engage in such conversations. What I appreciate about this book is that Amy goes beyond just storytelling. She offers guidance on how to prepare, start, and navigate these conversations by providing questions for self-reflection and questions to engage with one's own parents on the specific topics. I look forward to using the tips and guiding questions to start my own conversations with my parents. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to connect on a deeper level with their parents!

[Laura Los · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am the daughter of an immigrant and the daughter of a non-immigrant. While this book is largely based on the author's experience as a child of immigrants, I think this book is applicable to many adult children even if you aren't from an immigrant family. We all have preconceived notions about our parents and this book is a really practical guide on how to approach your parents to better understand their background and upbringing so that you can change the way you interact with them. The author was incredibly courageous to go down this path and keep at it. I can attest from putting some of the suggestions into practice that even if you aren't ready to deep dive with your parents, there are plenty of practical tips on how to change your thinking and the way you engaged with your parents so that you may get a different outcome. If nothing else, it helped me identify some of the deep seated beliefs I hold about my parents and what life was like for them so that I can work to validate or challenge those through conversations with them.

The coach in me rejoiced at Amy's simple questions (and deeper questions if you want to dive right in), allowing the reader to determine what approach would work for them when talking through each area. Throughout the practical tips, Amy shares her own journey of diving into this hard work with her delightful parents. It was fun to read about their personalities and how they came out more and more throughout the book.

This is well worth a read! I hope it will be as beneficial for you as it has been for me.

[Mackenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

By going deep into the heart, Amy has offered her experience of healing conversations with her immigrant parents in ways that can touch everyone. Through the capturing nuances and complex dynamics in her own life, Amy's writing opened doors for my own reflection on the themes we all face in relation to our parents: how we feel and express love, what is success, belonging, money, sacrifice, and more. This book is also geared for action. It's leading us towards seeing our parents in new light, ourselves afresh, and so liberating ourselves from past assumptions and relating to ourselves and our parents in more connecting ways. As someone who holds that the richness of relationships holds the keys for a rich life, I am so grateful for this book. Though my own family story is not an immigrant story, I recommend it to all who are interested in living with more peace and understanding in their lives. What's more, the stories were all so engaging and real. Start it -- and see if you can't keep reading : )

[Brandi Lai · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading through this book and connecting with Amy's experiences has helped me realize what I've been holding in my entire life in regards to my connection with my parents. Every parent and child has a give and take relationship but the stories Amy shares about her personal life and the conversations she's had with her parents has given me a new perspective on the relationship between my own parents and has made me realize the importance of understanding and learning where they've come from as much as I want them to learn and understand where I've come from. Amy's book has opened the door for me to ask so many different questions that I never would've thought to ask of my parents and has opened the door to new levels of conversations and depth between us that has helped bring us closer together. Highly recommended this book to anyone in the AAPI community and anyone really who's had a struggle with their parents and wants to extend the olive branch to create a better and stronger relationship between parents and child.

[Julie Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Relationships are hard and relationships with parents are REALLY hard". lf you've got parents and can relate to this quote then get ready for a menagerie of stories that will make you laugh and contemplate how you learned to love. Amy is wise beyond her years. She spent a large portion of her life coercing her parents to say those three magic words, I Love You. In this journey she finds her love language and begins to understand her parents in a whole new way. She is a masterful storyteller and whether you are first, second, or third generation American and beyond you will be touched by this book. It's a page turner. Amy is vulnerable, witty, and shares heartwarming stories of love from her parents. Amy challenges us to question why we think we know better than our parents and want to change them to be "more American". She shares a deeply personal journey to love her parents by putting herself in their shoes. We are all immigrants/foreigners in learning to love our parents and Amy provides insight and practical steps to see how actions often speak louder than words.

[Tony Marquez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for this book, Amy!

This book spoke to me. It let me know that I am not alone in my experiences as a first generation Asian in the US and more importantly, told me the how to interpret my parents actions from love for me when they couldn’t put it into English words. This book also helped me realize my how important my parents experiences are and how they have shaped me and how my own foundation will shape my own children’s lives.

This book also helped me interpret my own attitudes earlier in life of wanting to fit in very white centric spaces since the foundations in my life are rooted in country club sports and the military. I was always embarrassed or scared to be too “Asian” for fear of fitting into stereotypes. Amy’s words helped me validate my own attitudes that it’s ok to “be you” but also be “with others.”

As a father and a leader Amy’s book has told me that it’s important to let my kids know where they come from, how and why we love them, and how to also authentically lead.

Thank you, Amy. This is a piece of work that’s making its way into my kids reading lists (when they’re older).

[E. Chen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book touches on so many common relationship issues between adult children and their immigrant parents. Just reading the chapter titles alone can bring up a lot of emotions (e.g. "My Success Will Never Be Good Enough for my Parents" and "My Parents Must Not Love Me Because They Never Say It To Me"). Amy shares several very personal stories from her own life and from her parents'. From the deeply hurtful generational and cultural clashes to the lighthearted teasing of her parents, I'm sure the child of any immigrant can relate. The best part of the book is the practical discussion guides that are provided to help you approach future conversations with your own parents. The conversation guides provide both lighter and deeper questions that you can ask your parents to help improve your communication and understanding of each other. With the focus of trying to understand each other (without judgement), the healing can begin.

[Newton Cheng · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amy Yip has written something incredibly unique, powerful, and transformational.

‘Unfinished Business’ is a story of intergenerational trauma, gifts, love and healing the likes of which I have never seen, and it's laid out in intimate detail. I am in awe of what Amy and her parents have brought together via their challenging and both heartbreaking and heartwarming conversations.

Amy is an inspiring powerhouse just based on her "external" achievements, but this story and her willingness to share her (and her parents') "internal" world, as well as the loving bond between them are what's so powerful. If you are a high achiever that struggles with anxiety, an Asian American like me, or someone seeking to heal their relationship with themselves and their loved ones, this is the book you need.

Newton Cheng
Director, Health + Performance Program
Google

[Amanda Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unfinished Business is a profoundly insightful exploration of the complex dynamics between adult children and immigrant parents. This book masterfully blends personal anecdotes with research and practical advice. Amy's personal and relatable storytelling draws readers into the world of intergenerational relationships in immigrant families. She tackles identity, culture, and tradition with sensitivity, offering a balanced perspective. What sets "Unfinished Business" apart is its practical approach to bridging generational gaps. Yip provides actionable advice on fostering empathy, active listening, and open dialogue within these families.

[Lan Phan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I wish I had read when I was younger. It is the book I needed to read while struggling to straddle two worlds, American culture and that of my parents - Vietnamese refugees who escaped into the United States with only the clothing on our backs. This book is for anyone who wants to heal intergenerational trauma through kindness, conversations, and practical exercises. In Unfinished Business, Amy tells her story of finding her way home by examining her relationship with her parents. In doing so, she tells many of our stories with warmth and vulnerability, shining a light on the tenuous but beautiful of the parent-child relationship.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A high-impact, deeply meaningful book everyone can use to improve their lives (and a fun read!) Almost everyone has a cultural divide to navigate in a key relationship, either with their parents or someone close to them. We each grew up and were shaped in different times and places. Relationships are the top factor affecting human happiness, and those who raised you have more impact on you than anyone else. So if you have any chance to improve those relationships, why would you not try? Coach Amy Yip has blazed the trail and gives you the roadmap and tools to take yourself on that journey of discovery, even though you may have given up long ago.

[Peggy Wang · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amy has done what I think many of us find difficult to do, which is to have really deep heartfelt conversations with her parents, exploring their past and the impact on her own childhood. As an Asian-American myself, the cultural gap she describes and all her feelings from resentment to pride and everything in between is extremely relatable. And her insights and deeper relationship she builds through her talks with her parents is inspiring and eye-opening for those of us who probably should have some similar talks with our own parents. Definitely recommend for anyone who is trying to build a stronger and closer relationship with their parents across a cultural divide.

[Joyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amy Yip’s “Unfinished Business” is insightful, healing, and inspiring. Each chapter is first told from the perspective of an adult child and then retold from the respective of immigrant parents. The juxtaposing perspectives helped me draw connections and see through different lens.

Diving deep into the complex family dynamics of generation differences and navigating through unspoken tensions and unresolved issues, the author guides readers on a journey towards understanding and reconciliation. I highly recommend this book to all who have unmet needs, issues, or “Unfinished Business” yet to be resolved with their parents.

[Michelle A · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a child of Chinese immigrant parents, this book made me feel seen, heard and supported and not alone in my frustrations and challenges. Amy really nails so many of the struggles, to the point that my young adult daughter, who has seen my struggles, said, "Man, she really nailed them ALL" when she saw the chapter titles! What makes this book unique though is it's pragmatic advice on tangible things you can do to create a more positive relationship with your parents. It won't be easy, but Amy inspires you to believe it's worth the effort!

[Greg Mueller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although written through the lens of an Asian American experience, as a white man I found the approaches to building empathy and a deeper connection with adult parents outlined in this book to be 100% applicable. Even though most of the myths outlined didn't apply to me, there are plenty of myths I do hold and I could relate to the author’s journey of understanding. Most importantly, the tactics outlined work, regardless of how your parents raised you. If you want to heal your relationship w/ your parents, or deepen and already strong one, this book will help you.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well written book that doesn't shy away from the good, the bad, or the ugly. Amy writes with an authentic voice that pulls you in and gets you thinking about having these conversations with your own parents, grandparents, and having your children talk with you. Amy provides guidance with questions and on how to start the conversations with your parents. Her journey of self-discovery and learning her parents' story is filled with rich details and warmth. I enjoyed the book and plan on having conversations with my mom to help me understand her journey better.

[Stephanie Chenevert · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful gateway to self reflection and deeper connection. This books can help all of us learn about ourselves, and help us see opportunities to connect with our loved ones. Through her deeply personal journey and the conversations she has with her parents, Amy teaches us that we all carry stories that are worth re-examining. The multiple perspectives make this book truly unique: the author captures both her perspective and her parent's, and by bringing both together, teaches us that we all have a lot to learn about ourselves and each other. Highly recommend!

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personal stories + actionable insights = an important read

Amy did a fantastic job blending past and present in Unfinished Business, which allows the reader to create their own reading and integration experience. The questions she included to guide conversations are worth the price of the book x10.
No matter your race, background or family situation, you will find gems of wisdom, stories of vulnerability and exercises to support your own transformation. Thank you, Amy, for bringing this book into the world!

[Jessica Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers a solid foundation for adult children seeking to improve communication with their parents and strengthen their relationships. It's particularly relevant for those with both immigrant and non-immigrant parents, as generational differences can lead to misunderstandings and challenges. I also admire Amy Yip's honesty throughout the book. Her personal stories struck a chord with me and encouraged me to reflect on my relationships with my parents and my own children. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a deep, introspective exploration of their parental relationships.

[Lesley Reagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Relationships with parents can be hard enough when you're a child, but when you're an adult there's even more complexities. I've often thought it was easier to just keep the status quo, but also longed for better relationships. This book's step-by-step approach gave me the confidence to start having these hard chats. I've already learned a lot and can't wait to continue going on dates with my parents.

[KKA · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents" by Amy Yip is an excellent book. Though written from a Chinese-American family perspective, this book has lessons for anyone and everyone. Each myth / story is followed by a framework with specific calls to action which can be used to strengthen a family. "Myth 7: I Don't Deserve To Spend Money On Myself: I Need To Save It" was particularly compelling for me. Highly recommended.

[Brian & · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like how Amy structured the book. The autobiographical part was just fun to read and bringing it home with her parents side really opens up thought and perspective. And she brings it home by providing practical application to being more balanced in emotion so that I could add some resemblance of resolve to the myths that were applicable to me. Highly recommend! Thanks for laying it out there, Amy!

[Fred Fanning · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Great Idea

Any book that encourages you to talk to your parents is a good book. This book has a twist on that idea. Talk to your immigrant parents to break down walls that may exist because they immigrated. I can see how that would be important. Different generations of immigrants have different experiences. If parent and child discusses those differences it can only help their relationship.

[R.Z. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Using herself as a Chinese-American example, Amy Yip gives advice and self-help exercises on how to relate to immigrant parents with cultural attitudes and values different from their adult American offspring. Easy to read and profound in its advice, this is worth reading for all second, and maybe even third-generation adult children of immigrants no matter which country they come from. I found it totally enjoyable.

[Samantha Tansley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Don’t waste your time reading it. It’s going to take forever to finish and you’ll just be angry.

Wow. I am so glad to be done with this book. I feel so bad for Amy and her upbringing, her parents seem terrible. And the way she treats her husband like she doesn’t need him or show affection. She’s lucky he married her. I hope that now she has repaired her parents relationship that they move closer to his parents so he can have a relationship with them and they can know their grandkid.

[Justin Watkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Unfinished Business" by Amy Yip hit me right in the feels. As a 30-year-old guy who's not big on books, it made me appreciate my immigrant mom in a whole new way. Amy's candid storytelling and practical advice on parent-child relationships make this a must-read for anyone who wants to connect on a deeper level with their folks.