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Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. And the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female.
In the beginning, God created Adam. Then he made Eve.
And ever since we've been picking up the pieces.
Loveology is just that---a theology of love.
With an autobiographical thread that turns a book into a story, pastor and speaker John Mark Comer shares about what is right in male/female relationships---what God intended in the Garden. And about what is wrong---the fallout in a post-Eden world.
Loveology starts with marriage and works backward. Comer deals with sexuality, romance, singleness, and what it means to be male and female; ending with a raw, uncut, anything goes Q and A dealing with the most asked questions about sexuality and relationships.
This is a book for singles, engaged couples, and the newly married---both inside and outside the church---who want to learn what the Scriptures have to say about sexuality and relationships. For those who are tired of Hollywood's propaganda, and the church's silence. And for people who want to ask the why questions and get intelligent, nuanced, grace-and-truth answers, rooted in the Scriptures.
And ever since we've been picking up the pieces.
Loveology is just that---a theology of love.
With an autobiographical thread that turns a book into a story, pastor and speaker John Mark Comer shares about what is right in male/female relationships---what God intended in the Garden. And about what is wrong---the fallout in a post-Eden world.
Loveology starts with marriage and works backward. Comer deals with sexuality, romance, singleness, and what it means to be male and female; ending with a raw, uncut, anything goes Q and A dealing with the most asked questions about sexuality and relationships.
This is a book for singles, engaged couples, and the newly married---both inside and outside the church---who want to learn what the Scriptures have to say about sexuality and relationships. For those who are tired of Hollywood's propaganda, and the church's silence. And for people who want to ask the why questions and get intelligent, nuanced, grace-and-truth answers, rooted in the Scriptures.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2014
789 people are currently reading
9050 people want to read
About the author
John Mark Comer
43 books4,448 followersJohn Mark Comer is the New York Times bestselling author of Practicing the Way, Live No Lies, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, God Has a Name, and three more. His podcasts, John Mark Comer Teachings and Rule of Life, have been ranked on top religion and spirituality podcast charts in the U.S. and U.K.
He's also the founder of Practicing the Way, a simple, beautiful way to integrate spiritual formation into your church or small group. After serving as the pastor for teaching and vision at Bridgetown Church in Portland, Oregon, for nearly two decades, John Mark and his family now reside in California, where he serves as a teacher in residence at Vintage Church LA.
He's also the founder of Practicing the Way, a simple, beautiful way to integrate spiritual formation into your church or small group. After serving as the pastor for teaching and vision at Bridgetown Church in Portland, Oregon, for nearly two decades, John Mark and his family now reside in California, where he serves as a teacher in residence at Vintage Church LA.
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February 4, 2014
Review From an Egalitarian: Some very good points and some questionable ones.
Loveology, by John Mark Comer, is a study of what the Bible teaches about love and intimate relationships from one theological perspective. I say this because the Mr. Comer writes from a soft-complementarian position in regards to gender roles. He holds to conservative positions on marriage and family, sexual practices, and LGBTQ issues. However, in my reading of the book, he does not appear quite so rigid when it comes to his hermeneutics of the Bible. He takes a position that is much open to reading text through cultural lenses, making evaluations on whether what is found is descriptive or prescriptive, and where it does not conflict with what he perceives as non-negotiable "truths" he will take into account present-day culture for application purposes.
As one who takes egalitarian positions and gender questions and as one who takes a far more progressive hermeneutic, I find it difficult to assign this book a rating. If I take the position of his intended audience - moderately conservative evangelicals - I'd rate this in the four to five (out of five) range. Rating it from my personal perspective and usefulness to me, it would fall to around three because I did not think he engaged opposing viewpoints sufficiently. Mr. Comer provides endnotes, and I wished he would have provided more counterpoints and arguments there, if not in the main body of the text.
That said, there were several good points that were made that did not rely on or connote gender roles or sexual orientations.
Mr. Comer lays a good foundation when he introduces love as both feeling and action. I think that Christians are sometimes fearful of feelings and are afraid to make positive comments about them. Here, caveats are provided, but feelings are affirmed as a good and necessary part of love. To be human is to have emotions. We were created to love, and emotions are a part of who we are.
Mr. Comers offers four reasons for marriage as it was originally intended by God: Friendship, Gardening (vocational partnership in the journey of life), Sex, and Family. There may be quibbles about some of the details that are found in the book, but overall these make good sense.
Some other valuable points he makes include
• There is no "one" person that will complete you
• Don't idolize childlessness or having children
• Don't think either marriage or singleness are God's preference
• Don't marry for the purpose of achieving happiness
• Sex is good - it's from God - it's to be enjoyed
Where things get problematic is when Mr. Comer writes about gender roles. It actually starts out well about a fifth of the way into the book. He discusses the term ezer as an equal helper, and that the term is also used of God. But just around the halfway mark in his discussion of the Song of Songs, he makes the observations that women want men to take them away and for men to chase after them, as described in the poetry. From here he draws the conclusion that it is man's job to lead things, including romance. He bases this conclusion also on the creation order found in Genesis 2. He does clarify that "to lead" does not mean to boss, to dominate, etc. He reminds readers that the Bible has been used to excuse abuses.
A few chapters later Mr. Comer devotes a whole chapter to gender differences and roles. He writes that historically women have been treated badly based on gender stereotypes, but that is no reason to throw out all the ideas about gender differentiation, including the idea that God designed and created into human genders different roles. He acknowledges that God is genderless and that feminine descriptions are attributed to God. He even agrees that "feminist" can be a good term. But based on his interpretation of the creation account, he concludes that because Adam (the man) was created first and given the command to work the earth, it is the male gender's responsibility to lead. He reads this same idea into Paul's writings. He reads the Genesis 2 account as a literal, historical event that is applicable to all subsequent marriages.
At the beginning I noted that I perceived Mr. Comer as a soft-complementarian. I say this because he specifically limits male leadership to marriage and (possibly - it is not clear from his writing) the church (although if you look up the church that he leads, you will only see men in the leadership positions). He acknowledges that the command to "rule the earth" and "to be fruitful and multiply" apply equally to men and women, but that men were created to lead.
In the following chapter he tacitly introduces the counterargument that gender roles are a result of the Fall, but dismisses it without much explanation. He writes that the curse of the Fall was not that gender roles themselves became skewed and corrupt, but that their applications became corrupt so that men began to domineer over and abuse women. In discussing Ephesians 5 and the household codes, he describes how Paul's version is different from traditional ones encountered during that time; that how radical it was in assigning responsibility to those higher on the hierarchy to care for and respect those on the lower rungs. But he continues to see the household codes and the command for submission ("Wives, submit…") as still precisely and literally applicable as it was written. He defends his conclusions by giving the traditional response that if a husband truly respects and loves his wife in a self-giving way, the wife will have no problem submitting. He acknowledges that churches have often been the worst places for women, but does not see the theology of gender roles as contributing to the problem.
The final chapter deals with sexual orientation - the LGBTQ issue. On this point Mr. Comer is far less nuanced. He acknowledges that churches have treated non-heterosexual people badly. He acknowledges that sex should not be the biggest "sin" issue in Christianity. He does not view homosexual orientation as sin, but it is sin to act upon it. He differentiates between "who you are" and "what you do." I feel he does disservice to himself by parroting cliché arguments and failing to engage both the science and the complexities inherent. In his arguments, particularly in the discussion of sexual orientation, I see Mr. Comer falling into the trap of logical fallacies, especially that of the "slippery slope" in order to make his arguments.
For me, I found about the first half of the book to contain useful elements. The last half, although interesting to read the arguments for theologies of complementarianism and heterosexual-only marriages, it was something that I did not find useful otherwise.
The intended audience, as I noted earlier, seems to be moderately conservative evangelicals who hold to a more nuanced interpretation of scripture than a strict literalist reading. Those who hold to a very literal reading, and fundamentalists, will have some points of large disagreements. And likewise, as I have described, progressive and liberal Christians will have points of agreement but will likely be turned off by the gender and sexual orientation discussions.
(This review is based on an Advance Review Copy provided by the publisher through NetGalley.)
Loveology, by John Mark Comer, is a study of what the Bible teaches about love and intimate relationships from one theological perspective. I say this because the Mr. Comer writes from a soft-complementarian position in regards to gender roles. He holds to conservative positions on marriage and family, sexual practices, and LGBTQ issues. However, in my reading of the book, he does not appear quite so rigid when it comes to his hermeneutics of the Bible. He takes a position that is much open to reading text through cultural lenses, making evaluations on whether what is found is descriptive or prescriptive, and where it does not conflict with what he perceives as non-negotiable "truths" he will take into account present-day culture for application purposes.
As one who takes egalitarian positions and gender questions and as one who takes a far more progressive hermeneutic, I find it difficult to assign this book a rating. If I take the position of his intended audience - moderately conservative evangelicals - I'd rate this in the four to five (out of five) range. Rating it from my personal perspective and usefulness to me, it would fall to around three because I did not think he engaged opposing viewpoints sufficiently. Mr. Comer provides endnotes, and I wished he would have provided more counterpoints and arguments there, if not in the main body of the text.
That said, there were several good points that were made that did not rely on or connote gender roles or sexual orientations.
Mr. Comer lays a good foundation when he introduces love as both feeling and action. I think that Christians are sometimes fearful of feelings and are afraid to make positive comments about them. Here, caveats are provided, but feelings are affirmed as a good and necessary part of love. To be human is to have emotions. We were created to love, and emotions are a part of who we are.
Mr. Comers offers four reasons for marriage as it was originally intended by God: Friendship, Gardening (vocational partnership in the journey of life), Sex, and Family. There may be quibbles about some of the details that are found in the book, but overall these make good sense.
Some other valuable points he makes include
• There is no "one" person that will complete you
• Don't idolize childlessness or having children
• Don't think either marriage or singleness are God's preference
• Don't marry for the purpose of achieving happiness
• Sex is good - it's from God - it's to be enjoyed
Where things get problematic is when Mr. Comer writes about gender roles. It actually starts out well about a fifth of the way into the book. He discusses the term ezer as an equal helper, and that the term is also used of God. But just around the halfway mark in his discussion of the Song of Songs, he makes the observations that women want men to take them away and for men to chase after them, as described in the poetry. From here he draws the conclusion that it is man's job to lead things, including romance. He bases this conclusion also on the creation order found in Genesis 2. He does clarify that "to lead" does not mean to boss, to dominate, etc. He reminds readers that the Bible has been used to excuse abuses.
A few chapters later Mr. Comer devotes a whole chapter to gender differences and roles. He writes that historically women have been treated badly based on gender stereotypes, but that is no reason to throw out all the ideas about gender differentiation, including the idea that God designed and created into human genders different roles. He acknowledges that God is genderless and that feminine descriptions are attributed to God. He even agrees that "feminist" can be a good term. But based on his interpretation of the creation account, he concludes that because Adam (the man) was created first and given the command to work the earth, it is the male gender's responsibility to lead. He reads this same idea into Paul's writings. He reads the Genesis 2 account as a literal, historical event that is applicable to all subsequent marriages.
At the beginning I noted that I perceived Mr. Comer as a soft-complementarian. I say this because he specifically limits male leadership to marriage and (possibly - it is not clear from his writing) the church (although if you look up the church that he leads, you will only see men in the leadership positions). He acknowledges that the command to "rule the earth" and "to be fruitful and multiply" apply equally to men and women, but that men were created to lead.
In the following chapter he tacitly introduces the counterargument that gender roles are a result of the Fall, but dismisses it without much explanation. He writes that the curse of the Fall was not that gender roles themselves became skewed and corrupt, but that their applications became corrupt so that men began to domineer over and abuse women. In discussing Ephesians 5 and the household codes, he describes how Paul's version is different from traditional ones encountered during that time; that how radical it was in assigning responsibility to those higher on the hierarchy to care for and respect those on the lower rungs. But he continues to see the household codes and the command for submission ("Wives, submit…") as still precisely and literally applicable as it was written. He defends his conclusions by giving the traditional response that if a husband truly respects and loves his wife in a self-giving way, the wife will have no problem submitting. He acknowledges that churches have often been the worst places for women, but does not see the theology of gender roles as contributing to the problem.
The final chapter deals with sexual orientation - the LGBTQ issue. On this point Mr. Comer is far less nuanced. He acknowledges that churches have treated non-heterosexual people badly. He acknowledges that sex should not be the biggest "sin" issue in Christianity. He does not view homosexual orientation as sin, but it is sin to act upon it. He differentiates between "who you are" and "what you do." I feel he does disservice to himself by parroting cliché arguments and failing to engage both the science and the complexities inherent. In his arguments, particularly in the discussion of sexual orientation, I see Mr. Comer falling into the trap of logical fallacies, especially that of the "slippery slope" in order to make his arguments.
For me, I found about the first half of the book to contain useful elements. The last half, although interesting to read the arguments for theologies of complementarianism and heterosexual-only marriages, it was something that I did not find useful otherwise.
The intended audience, as I noted earlier, seems to be moderately conservative evangelicals who hold to a more nuanced interpretation of scripture than a strict literalist reading. Those who hold to a very literal reading, and fundamentalists, will have some points of large disagreements. And likewise, as I have described, progressive and liberal Christians will have points of agreement but will likely be turned off by the gender and sexual orientation discussions.
(This review is based on an Advance Review Copy provided by the publisher through NetGalley.)
June 12, 2014
As a single 17 year old girl who like most others girls my age constantly ponders in thoughts of boys, relationships and marriage this book has been everything I need in refocusing my views to where they need to be... Jesus! If a loving relationship is going to work, our relationship with God needs to be strong first! This book is just incredible... Blunt... But for most of us, that's how we need to hear it! Thank you John Comer:)
January 17, 2022
I will do my best to leave actual religious preferences and beliefs out of this, because my concerns for this book come from a different place.
First, there is a heavy emphasis on how there is only female and male; the chapter focusing on this goes on to explain gender roles, how we should approach them, not let man be woman or woman be man because we are called to not be like the other. There was such a strong emphasis on that there is -only- female and male, which you don’t have to be a non-believer to know is scientifically not true. Intersex people exist, people with varying genitalia, chromosomes, sexual organs, hormones, etcetera. The book mentions how we are told our gender at birth, and that section is a crude oversimplification of the process. Like all other forms of biology like height, weight, hair, it is not a black and white subject and I think it’d be worthwhile for Christians to view the “grey” of gender and sex more compassionately.
Secondly, the book discusses homosexuality and specifically equates the concept of acting on those “temptations” the same as if he, the author, cheated on his wife with another woman. This is a disturbing comparison that a man betraying and shattering his wife’s trust and marital covenant could be equivalent to a gay relationship that could be a committed, loving, beneficial relationship. These are not the same - you betraying your partner is not the same as same-sex individuals agreeing to be in a potentially healthy, trusting relationship.
Lastly, the book’s author notes how he and his wife were both virgins until they got married, were each other’s first experience of sex, etcetera. He speaks very highly of maintaining your virginity and happily experiencing healthy sex within marriage, which in many ways is not a luxury or privilege everyone has (e.g., sexual assault, needing to do sex work to survive, painful sex, marital r*pe). The book doesn’t discuss the nuance of this, if anything just jokes and makes light of it, which I would also note feels disrespectful for people in which this is a trauma-filled and heavy topic, and it should’ve taken time to acknowledge that more since a major focus of the book is sex. In the words of Rachel Held Evans in “Wholehearted Faith”, “…it was my privilege that protected me from the sharpest edges of my own theology.” The book also speaks poorly of anyone who is actively and continuously in a sexual relationship outside of marriage, saying whether it is now or in 5 years or 100 years things will come crashing down on them. That cocky and cold view of what could again be a healthy, long-lasting and consensual relationship, is upsetting to see in a Christian; to see the book practically anticipate ill will for those sexually active.
Also, to clarify I am not intersex, and I remained a virgin until my hetero marriage. So I am not frustrated about these concepts for my own self, but for the lack of compassion it has towards people who are shamed by the church.
First, there is a heavy emphasis on how there is only female and male; the chapter focusing on this goes on to explain gender roles, how we should approach them, not let man be woman or woman be man because we are called to not be like the other. There was such a strong emphasis on that there is -only- female and male, which you don’t have to be a non-believer to know is scientifically not true. Intersex people exist, people with varying genitalia, chromosomes, sexual organs, hormones, etcetera. The book mentions how we are told our gender at birth, and that section is a crude oversimplification of the process. Like all other forms of biology like height, weight, hair, it is not a black and white subject and I think it’d be worthwhile for Christians to view the “grey” of gender and sex more compassionately.
Secondly, the book discusses homosexuality and specifically equates the concept of acting on those “temptations” the same as if he, the author, cheated on his wife with another woman. This is a disturbing comparison that a man betraying and shattering his wife’s trust and marital covenant could be equivalent to a gay relationship that could be a committed, loving, beneficial relationship. These are not the same - you betraying your partner is not the same as same-sex individuals agreeing to be in a potentially healthy, trusting relationship.
Lastly, the book’s author notes how he and his wife were both virgins until they got married, were each other’s first experience of sex, etcetera. He speaks very highly of maintaining your virginity and happily experiencing healthy sex within marriage, which in many ways is not a luxury or privilege everyone has (e.g., sexual assault, needing to do sex work to survive, painful sex, marital r*pe). The book doesn’t discuss the nuance of this, if anything just jokes and makes light of it, which I would also note feels disrespectful for people in which this is a trauma-filled and heavy topic, and it should’ve taken time to acknowledge that more since a major focus of the book is sex. In the words of Rachel Held Evans in “Wholehearted Faith”, “…it was my privilege that protected me from the sharpest edges of my own theology.” The book also speaks poorly of anyone who is actively and continuously in a sexual relationship outside of marriage, saying whether it is now or in 5 years or 100 years things will come crashing down on them. That cocky and cold view of what could again be a healthy, long-lasting and consensual relationship, is upsetting to see in a Christian; to see the book practically anticipate ill will for those sexually active.
Also, to clarify I am not intersex, and I remained a virgin until my hetero marriage. So I am not frustrated about these concepts for my own self, but for the lack of compassion it has towards people who are shamed by the church.
August 3, 2025
I like John Mark Comer’s work and philosophy in general, but this book is not one I’d particularly recommend.
It’s a weird vibe—like Gary Thomas meets Mark Driscoll meets Josh Harris meets John Eldridge meets Elisabeth Elliot. It was written in 2013, and I can see how it would have appealed to younger evangelical millennials of that time period, but it doesn’t age well and reads as juvenile and under-informed.
Some of the ways he described or referred to girls/women/his wife felt off-putting and disrespectful. I don’t agree with much of the interpretations of the Genesis account nor Ephesians 5 presented in this book. At one point he pulls from the old “chewed up gum” trope from purity culture about people giving pieces of themselves away until they are “hollowed out” shells with nothing left for their spouse. He also references the extra-biblical concept of “soul ties.”
The Q & A at the end was most definitely not trauma-informed and one asker was told that wives can help their husbands’ “fight” against lust by giving them lots of sex.
To be fair, while very disappointing, Loveology is more balanced and nuanced than most other marriage books of this era, and kinder to women and wives in general.
In general, I appreciate much of Comer’s work and theology and wouldn’t let this book discourage me from reading his more recent books. I would be curious to see how differently he would write this now that he has added some years, wisdom, and hopefully an awareness of trauma and abuse dynamics to his perspective.
It’s a weird vibe—like Gary Thomas meets Mark Driscoll meets Josh Harris meets John Eldridge meets Elisabeth Elliot. It was written in 2013, and I can see how it would have appealed to younger evangelical millennials of that time period, but it doesn’t age well and reads as juvenile and under-informed.
Some of the ways he described or referred to girls/women/his wife felt off-putting and disrespectful. I don’t agree with much of the interpretations of the Genesis account nor Ephesians 5 presented in this book. At one point he pulls from the old “chewed up gum” trope from purity culture about people giving pieces of themselves away until they are “hollowed out” shells with nothing left for their spouse. He also references the extra-biblical concept of “soul ties.”
The Q & A at the end was most definitely not trauma-informed and one asker was told that wives can help their husbands’ “fight” against lust by giving them lots of sex.
To be fair, while very disappointing, Loveology is more balanced and nuanced than most other marriage books of this era, and kinder to women and wives in general.
In general, I appreciate much of Comer’s work and theology and wouldn’t let this book discourage me from reading his more recent books. I would be curious to see how differently he would write this now that he has added some years, wisdom, and hopefully an awareness of trauma and abuse dynamics to his perspective.
February 21, 2025
Super practical & foundational knowledge. I super appreciate JMC’s writing style, it’s witty, pastoral, and easily digestible. This book specifically laid out what I believe to be foundational knowledge/principals for Christian living. Not necessarily “how to pray” “how to worship” - but how to embody Jesus & Heaven/Eden in all that we do. More specifically, what Jesus thinks of love & all that it implies, and how should we live in light of that. I would highly recommend it to any new & or young believer. This book, despite its simplicity would’ve changed my life at the start of my faith journey, ESPECIALLY since I was single. But even now being married I appreciated it. It provides a lot of great language and articulation on incredibly relevant topics that I will 100% use to help others in the future. Overall really great & easy read. JMC fan 4L.
April 7, 2022
good book about how relationships/marriage/ romance alllll the things were originally created by God. If u haven’t read John mark comer, he’s a great teacher & author — he’s super wise but teaches in a non condescending and straightforward way.
This wasn’t like a “do this and you’ll be happy in ur relationship” type of book. Wasn’t super cheesy either. He just laid down (based on his knowledge of the Bible and what not) how he understands God created love, relationships, sex, marriage etc and what that looks like in the world today. (While also encouraging us to do our own research) Personally I enjoyed his teachings about how the goal of marriage, or singleness, friendships etc is to know God better. Singleness gets slept on sometimes Lowkey🙄. Anyways Lots of good things to say ab this book. A good read for anyone who wants to learn more ab relationships and how to navigate them. There’s also a Q&A at the end with a wide array of questions that are give helpful advice. I recommend!!!
This wasn’t like a “do this and you’ll be happy in ur relationship” type of book. Wasn’t super cheesy either. He just laid down (based on his knowledge of the Bible and what not) how he understands God created love, relationships, sex, marriage etc and what that looks like in the world today. (While also encouraging us to do our own research) Personally I enjoyed his teachings about how the goal of marriage, or singleness, friendships etc is to know God better. Singleness gets slept on sometimes Lowkey🙄. Anyways Lots of good things to say ab this book. A good read for anyone who wants to learn more ab relationships and how to navigate them. There’s also a Q&A at the end with a wide array of questions that are give helpful advice. I recommend!!!
August 12, 2020
After meeting my love a couple of months ago, this is the wisdom I sought after. I found the words for my feelings and beliefs. Thankful and blessed. 💕
October 3, 2024
I thought this was a pretty solid book on relationships. I like how it doesn't just talk about Christian marriage but singleness and dating within a cultural lens. It offers a lot of different things to consider when approaching dating, marriage, sex, gender roles, homosexuality, etc. I think it's a good book to read if your mind is saturated by the media and culture's take on relationships and you're curious in seeing how to honor Christ in this area of life.
I liked Parts 1, 2, and 4 the most (on Love, Marriage, and Romance respectively) because they clarify common misconceptions and unrealistic expectations with Scripture-based alternatives. Specifically, I found these sections illuminating: the purposes of marriage, how to wait patiently for the Lord, and questions to consider before dating/marriage.
But I'm giving this 3.5 stars because I personally didn't learn too many new things - maybe that's a good thing in a way lol! Goes to show that your mind can be renewed, your vision of marriage can be restored, and your desires can start to align with God's heart. Hypothetically, if I didn't read The Meaning of Marriage (Timothy Keller) and Divine Sex (Jonathan Grant) and didn't renew my mind with Scripture and life experiences, I'd give this book a 4 or 5 star rating. Reading it now, Loveology is still highly relevant, it's just not much new information for me personally, if that makes sense.
I liked Parts 1, 2, and 4 the most (on Love, Marriage, and Romance respectively) because they clarify common misconceptions and unrealistic expectations with Scripture-based alternatives. Specifically, I found these sections illuminating: the purposes of marriage, how to wait patiently for the Lord, and questions to consider before dating/marriage.
But I'm giving this 3.5 stars because I personally didn't learn too many new things - maybe that's a good thing in a way lol! Goes to show that your mind can be renewed, your vision of marriage can be restored, and your desires can start to align with God's heart. Hypothetically, if I didn't read The Meaning of Marriage (Timothy Keller) and Divine Sex (Jonathan Grant) and didn't renew my mind with Scripture and life experiences, I'd give this book a 4 or 5 star rating. Reading it now, Loveology is still highly relevant, it's just not much new information for me personally, if that makes sense.
December 17, 2025
For obvious reasons, I'm newly interested in this topic lol. I have a LOT of quibbles with the dating/marriage advice I see tossed around in Christian circles, so I'm pretty wary about Christian love/relationship resources.
However, I have a general trust of John Mark Comer, and he has a very emotionally healthy approach to faith that I admire, so I figured I'd give this a try. It turned out to be a... somewhat mixed bag. I LOVED maybe 80% of it, and was SO frustrated and discouraged by the remaining 20% (making this a very hard book to rate lol).
I love how much he emphasized the role of /friendship/ in your spouse. It's one of the things about dating that I look for and find so important, and it's really great to see that affirmed here.
I liked the talk about vocation and how we all have to tend to our part of the garden, whatever that is, and how a spouse is there to be a helper. You are working towards something together. "Marriage is... to partner with God for the remaking of shalom." It's interesting about the advice is to ideally not marry someone until youve both figured out your calling in life ("gardening project") - he does emphasize ideal, though, and lists several caveats that he says are beyond the scope of the book, and refocuses on the idea that marriage exists for more than yourselves. While I have seen this mindset lean too far into "means to an end, the person doesn’t matter as much as the calling" in Christain circles, as long as it's paired with the healthy dose of friendship it becomes a beautiful "doing life together" partnership rather than "amiable coworkers."
"Ezer" which is commonly translated as "helper" has the connotation of equal - the word is used for God in the Psalms, and is also used for military reinforcements. It's cool to hear that information from a solid source.
However, JMC kinda undoes that in the next lines, where he focuses on the /man's/ vocation, and how the woman can support it and believe in it. There's nothing about the woman's vocation, just about the man's vocation and the marriage's (both people's) direction. It's so frustrating to have my own sense of calling and purpose just dismissed that way, especially from a source that seems to "get it" in other areas.
Later on, the Q&A readdresses this question, and there is some great advice about making space for both people's vocations, but then as soon as it addresses "men" and "women" more broadly, it only talks about the woman reinforcing/helping the man's vocation and not the other way around. Because the specific advice included both people, I'm not sure /why/ women's callings are erased when talking about roles in marriage, and it's super frustrating and discouraging.
"Family is to spread God's rule out over the earth." Out of context, sounds kinda (very) Christ nationalistic, but in context I really love that idea. I want there to be people "doing everything as if working for God, not for man," and seeing family as a hope (not guarentee) of further stewardship is wonderful.
I liked the part about how you don’t marry the one, you marry someone when you see who God created them to be and it excites you, and marriage is a push and pull to help get that person there. Also, it exposes the worst of you - it doesn't fix you magically, but it helps reveal the faults. Also, in case you lean too far into this mindset, he follows up later with, "don't marry a project, marry a partner," and not to expect your spouse to change.
"If you put your faith in your spouse to make you happy you'll be let down."
I deeply dislike the idea that the man should be the pursuer (even if its balanced out by the woman's enthusiastic yes - no coyness here at least). I think it's silly that if a woman likes someone she can't just be upfront about it and ask him out - dropping hints and trying to get someone's attention is a waste of time, energy, and emotion. Its better to get a clear no and move on, or get a yes and allow him to explore a relationship he might not have seriously considered on his own - in the same way a woman gets that opportunity when she's asked out. I'm glad that the Q&A section addresses that and said it's fine, but I definitely got the wrong impression from this section of the book.
When talking about that Ephesians passage, I also was interested by the line "nowhere is the man called to enforce the woman's role" as well as vice versa. While I struggle with the whole gender roles thing, that was a take I could appreciate.
But I still can't get behind the idea that men have more responsibility in the marriage. I've seen decision-making talked about in the context of deciding to have kids or not - you shouldn't just hope for an oopsie or delay the decision until you're too old, thus making the decision for you. It's far better and healthier to work through your feelings and move towards one decision or the other.
To give one partner more responsibility regarding the marriage feels like giving up that autonomy. While there are always things you can't control in life, I can't imagine allowing someone else to take the reins of your life and call it healthy. And I can't buy into mindset that it's just a /little/ more responsibility - either there's a power imbalance or there's not.
Q&A - I liked the question about emotional boundaries - both the answer about pace and also the advice that no matter what pace you move at, there will be emotional fallout so don't stress so much. His wife, specifically, said that she sees a lot of people (especially women - interesting) guard their hearts so much they can't let anyone in. That's sort of the mindset I chose to embrace going into dating, contrary to the advice I received from Christain circles, and it was very important for me (tho YMMV - and I've definitelyseen people who maybe should have more emotional boundaries).
With the question about dating after divorce, I /really/ wish abusive relationships were addressed. Because sometimes someone needs to leave, and shouldn't be guilted by the church (or told to get back together with their abuser!!).
Also, 1 year for dating as ideal is crazy - luckily JMC pushed back about it.
I also found a lot of the "practical" advice to be odd/overly restrictive. For example, I HATE the advice to never be alone in a house/apartment with your s/o. How can you learn to trust, or open up about deep stuff, if you always have to be babysat?? Sex should not be seen as a scary, uncontrollable thing that you sacrifice your one-on-one relationship in order to avoid it - it's odd because the rest of the book talks a lot about building trust and self-control, but then throws that in there at the end??
Also, it had an interesting interpretation of a Song of Songs verse that it seemed to build a lot of its practical advice around... but didn't give enough context for WHY they interpreted it that way. My literary brain needed more convincing, and that made a lot of the advice they gave meaningless to me.
Like I said - mixed bag. And it's so frustrating to receive such a mixed bag, especially when I vibe so much with a lot of it. It was worth reading and sparked a lot of conversation, but is also a huge reminder of how uncomfortable and disappointed I am with some of the rhetoric around Christain dating/marriage.
However, I have a general trust of John Mark Comer, and he has a very emotionally healthy approach to faith that I admire, so I figured I'd give this a try. It turned out to be a... somewhat mixed bag. I LOVED maybe 80% of it, and was SO frustrated and discouraged by the remaining 20% (making this a very hard book to rate lol).
I love how much he emphasized the role of /friendship/ in your spouse. It's one of the things about dating that I look for and find so important, and it's really great to see that affirmed here.
I liked the talk about vocation and how we all have to tend to our part of the garden, whatever that is, and how a spouse is there to be a helper. You are working towards something together. "Marriage is... to partner with God for the remaking of shalom." It's interesting about the advice is to ideally not marry someone until youve both figured out your calling in life ("gardening project") - he does emphasize ideal, though, and lists several caveats that he says are beyond the scope of the book, and refocuses on the idea that marriage exists for more than yourselves. While I have seen this mindset lean too far into "means to an end, the person doesn’t matter as much as the calling" in Christain circles, as long as it's paired with the healthy dose of friendship it becomes a beautiful "doing life together" partnership rather than "amiable coworkers."
"Ezer" which is commonly translated as "helper" has the connotation of equal - the word is used for God in the Psalms, and is also used for military reinforcements. It's cool to hear that information from a solid source.
However, JMC kinda undoes that in the next lines, where he focuses on the /man's/ vocation, and how the woman can support it and believe in it. There's nothing about the woman's vocation, just about the man's vocation and the marriage's (both people's) direction. It's so frustrating to have my own sense of calling and purpose just dismissed that way, especially from a source that seems to "get it" in other areas.
Later on, the Q&A readdresses this question, and there is some great advice about making space for both people's vocations, but then as soon as it addresses "men" and "women" more broadly, it only talks about the woman reinforcing/helping the man's vocation and not the other way around. Because the specific advice included both people, I'm not sure /why/ women's callings are erased when talking about roles in marriage, and it's super frustrating and discouraging.
"Family is to spread God's rule out over the earth." Out of context, sounds kinda (very) Christ nationalistic, but in context I really love that idea. I want there to be people "doing everything as if working for God, not for man," and seeing family as a hope (not guarentee) of further stewardship is wonderful.
I liked the part about how you don’t marry the one, you marry someone when you see who God created them to be and it excites you, and marriage is a push and pull to help get that person there. Also, it exposes the worst of you - it doesn't fix you magically, but it helps reveal the faults. Also, in case you lean too far into this mindset, he follows up later with, "don't marry a project, marry a partner," and not to expect your spouse to change.
"If you put your faith in your spouse to make you happy you'll be let down."
I deeply dislike the idea that the man should be the pursuer (even if its balanced out by the woman's enthusiastic yes - no coyness here at least). I think it's silly that if a woman likes someone she can't just be upfront about it and ask him out - dropping hints and trying to get someone's attention is a waste of time, energy, and emotion. Its better to get a clear no and move on, or get a yes and allow him to explore a relationship he might not have seriously considered on his own - in the same way a woman gets that opportunity when she's asked out. I'm glad that the Q&A section addresses that and said it's fine, but I definitely got the wrong impression from this section of the book.
When talking about that Ephesians passage, I also was interested by the line "nowhere is the man called to enforce the woman's role" as well as vice versa. While I struggle with the whole gender roles thing, that was a take I could appreciate.
But I still can't get behind the idea that men have more responsibility in the marriage. I've seen decision-making talked about in the context of deciding to have kids or not - you shouldn't just hope for an oopsie or delay the decision until you're too old, thus making the decision for you. It's far better and healthier to work through your feelings and move towards one decision or the other.
To give one partner more responsibility regarding the marriage feels like giving up that autonomy. While there are always things you can't control in life, I can't imagine allowing someone else to take the reins of your life and call it healthy. And I can't buy into mindset that it's just a /little/ more responsibility - either there's a power imbalance or there's not.
Q&A - I liked the question about emotional boundaries - both the answer about pace and also the advice that no matter what pace you move at, there will be emotional fallout so don't stress so much. His wife, specifically, said that she sees a lot of people (especially women - interesting) guard their hearts so much they can't let anyone in. That's sort of the mindset I chose to embrace going into dating, contrary to the advice I received from Christain circles, and it was very important for me (tho YMMV - and I've definitelyseen people who maybe should have more emotional boundaries).
With the question about dating after divorce, I /really/ wish abusive relationships were addressed. Because sometimes someone needs to leave, and shouldn't be guilted by the church (or told to get back together with their abuser!!).
Also, 1 year for dating as ideal is crazy - luckily JMC pushed back about it.
I also found a lot of the "practical" advice to be odd/overly restrictive. For example, I HATE the advice to never be alone in a house/apartment with your s/o. How can you learn to trust, or open up about deep stuff, if you always have to be babysat?? Sex should not be seen as a scary, uncontrollable thing that you sacrifice your one-on-one relationship in order to avoid it - it's odd because the rest of the book talks a lot about building trust and self-control, but then throws that in there at the end??
Also, it had an interesting interpretation of a Song of Songs verse that it seemed to build a lot of its practical advice around... but didn't give enough context for WHY they interpreted it that way. My literary brain needed more convincing, and that made a lot of the advice they gave meaningless to me.
Like I said - mixed bag. And it's so frustrating to receive such a mixed bag, especially when I vibe so much with a lot of it. It was worth reading and sparked a lot of conversation, but is also a huge reminder of how uncomfortable and disappointed I am with some of the rhetoric around Christain dating/marriage.
March 15, 2023
Good stuff but not comer’s best work.
I had to write a more proper review for this so here it goes.
I felt like this book was pretty good and had very good wisdom in it. I learned plenty new things and got good reminders of things I already knew but one thing in this book peeved me a bit.
During an analogy in which comer is explaining how you should not let yourself be put in situations where you might be tempted to sin, he says you should not be with someone your dating on the same couch, with the candles lit, and Bon Iver playing.
Now, I agree with all of this except for the Bon Iver part. I just can’t see how he could consider Bon Iver romantic music. It doesn’t make any sense to me, because Bon Iver is the type of music I put on when I want to cry or something like that.
In conclusion, this bad judgment of comers causes me to put him a notch lower on the epic list of fantastic authors, unfortunately.
I had to write a more proper review for this so here it goes.
I felt like this book was pretty good and had very good wisdom in it. I learned plenty new things and got good reminders of things I already knew but one thing in this book peeved me a bit.
During an analogy in which comer is explaining how you should not let yourself be put in situations where you might be tempted to sin, he says you should not be with someone your dating on the same couch, with the candles lit, and Bon Iver playing.
Now, I agree with all of this except for the Bon Iver part. I just can’t see how he could consider Bon Iver romantic music. It doesn’t make any sense to me, because Bon Iver is the type of music I put on when I want to cry or something like that.
In conclusion, this bad judgment of comers causes me to put him a notch lower on the epic list of fantastic authors, unfortunately.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 24, 2022
A fresh and very readable book on Biblical love, displayed in Christ. It provides a strong overview of how love is shown in areas of marriage, sex, romance, singleness, and gender. There is clarity between the laying down of Biblical principles, and times when the author shares his own experiences and reasoned perspective. Some things were touched on briefly, yet occasional further reading is provided. Overall would recommend
December 29, 2024
I’ve been nothing but amazed at John Mark Comer since I read REoH, and this is no exception. First off, I listened to the audiobook, which actually rules, because he narrates it. You can tell he is connected to the subject matter because it’s his own book, and he obviously read it just as it was meant to be read.
This is a book mostly for single people I feel, but it for sure is applicable to me, and I think pretty much everyone. Comer is rich in knowledge, and smooth of tongue. His tone is casual and conversational even while tackling HUGE topics. Speaking of which, he has some of the best spoken/written takes on gender roles and homosexuality I have ever witnessed. Though, the main breadth of this book is on marital love and how to go about it, which he also kills. Also talking the meaning of marriage and how we should go about dating as Christian’s, taking on conversations like abstinence and pace.
I used to say I want to give my future kids a copy of “Single, Dating, Engaged, Married” when they are coming of appropriate age, but I think this one easily replaces it. This is a definite must read/listen if you, like me, resonate with JMC.
This is a book mostly for single people I feel, but it for sure is applicable to me, and I think pretty much everyone. Comer is rich in knowledge, and smooth of tongue. His tone is casual and conversational even while tackling HUGE topics. Speaking of which, he has some of the best spoken/written takes on gender roles and homosexuality I have ever witnessed. Though, the main breadth of this book is on marital love and how to go about it, which he also kills. Also talking the meaning of marriage and how we should go about dating as Christian’s, taking on conversations like abstinence and pace.
I used to say I want to give my future kids a copy of “Single, Dating, Engaged, Married” when they are coming of appropriate age, but I think this one easily replaces it. This is a definite must read/listen if you, like me, resonate with JMC.
January 10, 2025
This was probably one of my favorite marriage books, specifically dealing with dating, going into marriage/how God sees marriage. I loved that it backed everything up with scripture but showed so much grace for people who are confused or have a history with relationships they aren’t proud of. Would recommend this to everyone I know!!
April 27, 2024
I really love John Mark Comer, he just writes exactly how he talks and I can hear his distinctive little voice in my head. This was so hard to read at times, encouraging, called me out, gave me hope, and comforted me in so many ways & was exactly what I needed.
Never settle ladies 💇♀️
Never settle ladies 💇♀️
February 20, 2024
this was SO GOOD, definitely helped realign some of my views that are hard to remind myself of especially in college.
October 17, 2025
phenomenal as always JMC! but did i love this book more bc of all the pink? maybe!
August 23, 2022
Really well done. Biblically rooted and hits on a lot of great questions and discussions involving sexuality, attraction, singleness, dating, and marriage. I really enjoy the way John Mark Comer writes and articulates his thoughts. He is no nonsense and has clearly done his reading and research when he comes to conclusions on his thoughts.
March 21, 2021
Another raw, unfiltered, beauty-filled work by Comer. His conversational-style narrative makes the uncomfortable discussions around these topics much more approachable - the exact opposite of the way they’re treated in the church.
John Mark’s descriptions of his own experiences are refreshing and much-needed in today’s society, as they paint a picture of a healthy relationship, marriage, and sex life centered around the Creator. Through this painting, Comer dispels some of the great myths & practices surrounding love that swarm our culture today.
He also tackles some of the most relevant controversies in the Western church right now. Rather than picking a side and barraging you with supporting evidence, Comer gently expresses his beliefs and centers the conversation around bigger issues that plague our Sunday services.
Overall, this book is a breath of fresh air in the so-called “the study of love”. I hope to see this Love-ology adopted in the American church in the near future, fostering a Christ-centered approach to how we see & love those around us.
John Mark’s descriptions of his own experiences are refreshing and much-needed in today’s society, as they paint a picture of a healthy relationship, marriage, and sex life centered around the Creator. Through this painting, Comer dispels some of the great myths & practices surrounding love that swarm our culture today.
He also tackles some of the most relevant controversies in the Western church right now. Rather than picking a side and barraging you with supporting evidence, Comer gently expresses his beliefs and centers the conversation around bigger issues that plague our Sunday services.
Overall, this book is a breath of fresh air in the so-called “the study of love”. I hope to see this Love-ology adopted in the American church in the near future, fostering a Christ-centered approach to how we see & love those around us.
November 15, 2016
I consider myself someone who is strong in her faith of Christianity, but this book was too much for me. I understood where it was coming from but the last few pages of the book (the Q&A section) were just not things I agreed with.
They were talking about how divorce was WRONG and a sin and how you shouldn't even KISS before being engaged. While I KNOW this is what the Christian faith believes, I feel its a little old school or maybe I just don't follow my faith that intensely. I think if you're in a relationship that makes you miserable, you should not be in it. And I feel you can have a strong relationship with someone and not be sexually attracted to them (I know because I've been there). How are you supposed to know if you are attracted without any physical contact?
While I appreciate some of the concepts, others were just so off the grid for me. Unless you're an EXTREMELY religious, I wouldn't recommend this read.
They were talking about how divorce was WRONG and a sin and how you shouldn't even KISS before being engaged. While I KNOW this is what the Christian faith believes, I feel its a little old school or maybe I just don't follow my faith that intensely. I think if you're in a relationship that makes you miserable, you should not be in it. And I feel you can have a strong relationship with someone and not be sexually attracted to them (I know because I've been there). How are you supposed to know if you are attracted without any physical contact?
While I appreciate some of the concepts, others were just so off the grid for me. Unless you're an EXTREMELY religious, I wouldn't recommend this read.
July 27, 2023
A good word! Especially the first half, I love when pastors explain the literal meanings of words in scripture, which is probably why I love Comer :)
June 23, 2025
⭐️ Eigenlijk iets minder dan 3 sry
Qua bijbelkennis was dit boek leerzaam en interessant, maar ik zou willen dat de auteur het daarbij had gelaten.
De bespreking van bepaalde onderwerpen mist nuance en bevat hier en daar onjuiste vergelijkingen en feitelijke onjuistheden. Dat maakt me erg pissig en dit doet geen recht aan de onderwerpen en verschillende situaties/omstandigheden. Zelf heb ik het gevoel dat de auteur niet helemaal beseft dat hij op bepaalde vlakken best wel bevoorrecht is.
Kortom: bijbel-theoretisch interessant, maar zijn eigen verhaal eromheen neem ik niet heel serieus.
Hoop dat zijn andere boeken beter zijn.
Qua bijbelkennis was dit boek leerzaam en interessant, maar ik zou willen dat de auteur het daarbij had gelaten.
De bespreking van bepaalde onderwerpen mist nuance en bevat hier en daar onjuiste vergelijkingen en feitelijke onjuistheden. Dat maakt me erg pissig en dit doet geen recht aan de onderwerpen en verschillende situaties/omstandigheden. Zelf heb ik het gevoel dat de auteur niet helemaal beseft dat hij op bepaalde vlakken best wel bevoorrecht is.
Kortom: bijbel-theoretisch interessant, maar zijn eigen verhaal eromheen neem ik niet heel serieus.
Hoop dat zijn andere boeken beter zijn.
August 15, 2025
This book 😮💨
It was insightful, straightforward and to the point, clear and yet still so gently written. It’s one of those I’m sure I will revisit in later years. Highly recommend, no matter if you’re single, in a relationship, married or just curious.
It was insightful, straightforward and to the point, clear and yet still so gently written. It’s one of those I’m sure I will revisit in later years. Highly recommend, no matter if you’re single, in a relationship, married or just curious.
June 6, 2024
I wish I could go back in time and give this book to my younger self. So many strong truths on love and sexuality that aren’t spoken commonly in the church. Beautifully studied and written! 💕
February 23, 2014
Love. “Maybe you’re not finding it because you’re not defining it right.” That is one of my favorite lyrics from the rap group Beautiful Eulogy’s song Take It Easy. And I think it’s a true story for so many people today.
It is safe to say that today’s culture is struggling with what love really is and what that means practically for us. Today, love is a junk-drawer term that is overused – there are no less that 28 entries in dictionary dot-com to define love.
In order to find something you’re looking for, a good definition of that you are seeking is a good place to start. This is what John Mark Comer has set out to do in his book Loveology. Using a play on words, Comer creates this loveology term to establish the premise of the book—a theology on love. Not shying away from difficult topics such as marriage, sex, romance, gender roles, and homosexuality, Comer uses the original language of the Bible to yield a definition of love from the Creator of all things, including love. In short, Comer’s definition of love is “Love = Jesus on the cross.”
From a mid-twenties, never married, single dude, there are a lot of aspects I appreciate about this book. He spends the majority of the book around the concept of marriage. I gained a lot of perspective and understanding of what I ought to expect in marriage, how I should practically view marriage and insights for my pursuit of a spouse. Comer writes in a way that is casual and easy to read as he builds on each chapter to target his desired audience of young singles. Comer stumbles through many tough issues (e.g. men’s role in leading in marriage) in attempt to not offend anyone, and does do his best to stick to an orthodox Christian position. The books credibility was elevated when I discovered that he attends Western Seminary and Gerry Breshears was included in the Q&A section at the end of the book. The books credibility is diminished by some of the following qualities I feel would make this book a “must read” if present…
A lack of an invitation to the Gospel: Many times throughout this book I was reading and thought, “Here it comes, he’s going to present the gospel here,” and it just never came. As I said earlier, he sticks to an orthodox position and does talk about Jesus, but he fails to invite the reader to turn from their sin and trust in Jesus, in clarity as Scripture teaches. This can lend to many readers turning a gospel sanctification moment into self-help inspiration and gives off the persona of an “everybody wins” and goes to heaven belief, which is outside of Christian doctrine.
The physical design is horrid: I appreciate that it’s hardcover without a jacket, however, the pink and white pages and pink poke-a-dot pages and pink lettering on the cover make the design poorly done. Why would this matter? It changes the demographic of consumers. Personally, I didn’t read this book in public, intentionally. And while this is probably more on the publisher (Zondervan) than on Comer, it limits the audience to primarily young, single girls. While this audience needs this teaching, so does the young single guy who has a terrible theology on love and marriage and is enforcing this understanding in his pursuit of relationships and marriage.
A note on the chapter on homosexuality: Read this chapter with a grain of salt. Yes, he says some very helpful and crucial things regarding homosexuality. I applaud him for being so bold to do so. However, he said some things that simply made me cringe (which tie to what I mention above); none more fatal than inputting the speculation that Jesus may have “lusted” after another man. Don’t let this keep you from reading the book though, this is only one chapter and there are a lot of good things said in it, but read.
Overall, there is enough 5-star material in this book that overshadows its weaknesses and makes it still work recommending. Any Christian who is in the season preparing for marriage would benefit from adding this book to their pre-marital reading.
It is safe to say that today’s culture is struggling with what love really is and what that means practically for us. Today, love is a junk-drawer term that is overused – there are no less that 28 entries in dictionary dot-com to define love.
In order to find something you’re looking for, a good definition of that you are seeking is a good place to start. This is what John Mark Comer has set out to do in his book Loveology. Using a play on words, Comer creates this loveology term to establish the premise of the book—a theology on love. Not shying away from difficult topics such as marriage, sex, romance, gender roles, and homosexuality, Comer uses the original language of the Bible to yield a definition of love from the Creator of all things, including love. In short, Comer’s definition of love is “Love = Jesus on the cross.”
From a mid-twenties, never married, single dude, there are a lot of aspects I appreciate about this book. He spends the majority of the book around the concept of marriage. I gained a lot of perspective and understanding of what I ought to expect in marriage, how I should practically view marriage and insights for my pursuit of a spouse. Comer writes in a way that is casual and easy to read as he builds on each chapter to target his desired audience of young singles. Comer stumbles through many tough issues (e.g. men’s role in leading in marriage) in attempt to not offend anyone, and does do his best to stick to an orthodox Christian position. The books credibility was elevated when I discovered that he attends Western Seminary and Gerry Breshears was included in the Q&A section at the end of the book. The books credibility is diminished by some of the following qualities I feel would make this book a “must read” if present…
A lack of an invitation to the Gospel: Many times throughout this book I was reading and thought, “Here it comes, he’s going to present the gospel here,” and it just never came. As I said earlier, he sticks to an orthodox position and does talk about Jesus, but he fails to invite the reader to turn from their sin and trust in Jesus, in clarity as Scripture teaches. This can lend to many readers turning a gospel sanctification moment into self-help inspiration and gives off the persona of an “everybody wins” and goes to heaven belief, which is outside of Christian doctrine.
The physical design is horrid: I appreciate that it’s hardcover without a jacket, however, the pink and white pages and pink poke-a-dot pages and pink lettering on the cover make the design poorly done. Why would this matter? It changes the demographic of consumers. Personally, I didn’t read this book in public, intentionally. And while this is probably more on the publisher (Zondervan) than on Comer, it limits the audience to primarily young, single girls. While this audience needs this teaching, so does the young single guy who has a terrible theology on love and marriage and is enforcing this understanding in his pursuit of relationships and marriage.
A note on the chapter on homosexuality: Read this chapter with a grain of salt. Yes, he says some very helpful and crucial things regarding homosexuality. I applaud him for being so bold to do so. However, he said some things that simply made me cringe (which tie to what I mention above); none more fatal than inputting the speculation that Jesus may have “lusted” after another man. Don’t let this keep you from reading the book though, this is only one chapter and there are a lot of good things said in it, but read.
Overall, there is enough 5-star material in this book that overshadows its weaknesses and makes it still work recommending. Any Christian who is in the season preparing for marriage would benefit from adding this book to their pre-marital reading.
April 22, 2022
This book was very helpful, but I wished he had addressed the way the church has put the burden of controlling men's sexual desires on women. Also, he took a pretty hard line on divorce without addressing abusive situations. But overall great stuff. And as a single person, I felt seen and appreciated. Ok, there was also a Q&A section, and one of the questions in particular...I was both laughing and face palming. You'll know it when you get there.
Read
January 31, 2023First off, I think I hate JMC’s writing style. He overdoes the conversational style so much that it feels condescending. (Your readers are intelligent, John Mark. You don’t have to add so many parenthetical phrases to tell them how to feel.) But the tone wouldn’t bother me so much if he were preaching instead of writing, so I imagine listening to a sermon rather than reading a book and I get over it a bit.
Outside of that, the content of this book was excellent. He is firm about scripture, yet affirms and appeals to the pain and longing of so many.
What I love most is that he makes reference to the resurrection as our hope as we live in this space between our present world and new creation (hello NT Wright), which made all he had to say compelling for me.
“We live at the intersection of two worlds, waiting for what Paul called ‘the redemption of our bodies.’ That is the hope of the gospel. Nothing less than resurrection. There is a day coming when you will step into a world where chaos and entropy of the fall are undone, and you will live forever in a body that is remade through a cosmic act of God… on that day you will be lonely for the last time.”
Outside of that, the content of this book was excellent. He is firm about scripture, yet affirms and appeals to the pain and longing of so many.
What I love most is that he makes reference to the resurrection as our hope as we live in this space between our present world and new creation (hello NT Wright), which made all he had to say compelling for me.
“We live at the intersection of two worlds, waiting for what Paul called ‘the redemption of our bodies.’ That is the hope of the gospel. Nothing less than resurrection. There is a day coming when you will step into a world where chaos and entropy of the fall are undone, and you will live forever in a body that is remade through a cosmic act of God… on that day you will be lonely for the last time.”
May 5, 2020
I thought John Mark did a great job addressing a lot of the loaded questions and issues with sex, marriage, dating, and singleness. He does a great job of teaching all of these concepts biblically and practically. I found his standpoints on singleness, gender roles and sexuality to be interesting. Definitely recommend checking it out.
July 16, 2022
“Don’t get married because you think he or she is “the one.” Trust me, they’re not. There’s no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up.”
May 23, 2024
I would definitely recommend this book to those looking into marriage and wanted a firm framework of a biblical relationship. It shows biblical evidence on what marriage is, how relationships work, and why it is important to communicate and judge the person you are looking to marry or date. Excitedly, it also talks about singleness and how great that is for people along with a small chapter about gender but more importantly in a small chapter it gives a basis of what sex and identity are within view of gender. However, I was not impressed by the "new takes" on things like Song of Songs or calling something dualism when it more accurately reflects gnosticism. It seems to be trying to be cool and hip while agreeing with orthodoxy in most churches about relationships and views on Song of Songs. I know I'm not the target audience for this book, but it is quite substantial in its biblical view on marriage. Lastly, it seems to demean the mundane or ordinary life some people are fine with. He goes over a portion where these are two ends of the spectrum: overhyped optimism and exaggerated pessimism. However, he really rails into people who are fine with mundane life. A simple life is something Paul talks about with support, but perhaps Comer does not wish that on many people. It just seems off.
May 23, 2025
The chapter on gender roles was surprisingly healing for me. I’m far more prone to throw it all out— my life experiences have made it difficult to view male leadership as anything other than dominating & often abusive. But I LOVED Comer’s emphasis on headship being one of responsibility, not authority. That in marriage, with your husband, is a safe place to practice this balance (not submitting to all men, as I’ve sometimes heard).
Some of the verbiage in sexuality section echoed purity culture junk. I want to believe this isn’t what the author intended— but just be cautious with some of the slippery slope arguments/conclusions. Just because someone has struggled before doesn’t mean they will forever make those decisions. There is grace! There is the Holy Spirit! Praise God we don’t have to be bound by or defined by our sin, even sexual sin.
Amazing, thoughtful gospel connections! How marriage— something I’ve longed for since I can remember— is just a foretaste of eternity. Grateful I read this as I prepare in engagement to point others to Jesus, the far greater gift! 🤍
Some of the verbiage in sexuality section echoed purity culture junk. I want to believe this isn’t what the author intended— but just be cautious with some of the slippery slope arguments/conclusions. Just because someone has struggled before doesn’t mean they will forever make those decisions. There is grace! There is the Holy Spirit! Praise God we don’t have to be bound by or defined by our sin, even sexual sin.
Amazing, thoughtful gospel connections! How marriage— something I’ve longed for since I can remember— is just a foretaste of eternity. Grateful I read this as I prepare in engagement to point others to Jesus, the far greater gift! 🤍
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