Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out on Relationship and Recovery

by Patricia Evans

If your seems irritated or angry at you several times a week, denies being angry when he clearly is, does not work with you to resolve important issues, rarely or never seems to share thoughts or plans with you, or tells you that he has no idea what you’re talking about when you try to discuss important problems…you need this book.

Verbal Survivors Speak Out outlines solutions to abusive relationships, tells victims where to find shelters and support groups, and analyzes why many therapists misdiagnose problems in violent relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships

272 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2003

About the author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Mitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the most difficult books top take of the shelf at the bookstore. I am a man for pete sake. How could I acknowledge "verbal" abuse. All I can say it was one of the best purchases I ever made and one of the first self help books I read cover to cover. I soon discovered that my inner voice (the one that was telling me to grab the book) was worthy of listening to. When I read this book I realized my voice(that others hear) was not being listened to either.

Both men and women can experience abuse and a sense of feeling unworthy. NEVER discount your feelings nor experiences. Read anything you feel drawn to. ONLY the points that apply to you as your truth will resonate and what does not apply to you wont hurt you. Do yourself a favor, read this book if you ever felt helpless or hopeless. It does not matter if you are 12 or 62 it is never too early or too late to make sense of your life and feeling self.

[Karen Burton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very fortunate to find this book within weeks of leaving an abusive relationship, in the early 1990's, shortly after it was published. I don't know what made me pick the book up off the shelf, because I did not believe verbal abuse was even a real "thing". Then I opened this book and read an example of a nonsensical discussion I'd had with my ex-husband many times. I poured through this book in a couple of days. It was amazing how much clarity it gave me to what I had just experienced.

I was so confused after all the "crazy-making", and severely damaged emotionally. This book launched me into the rapid recovery I needed to get back on my feet for my family, and to quickly identify, and appropriately respond, to this type of behavior in subsequent interactions with coworkers and potential dates.

I shared what I learned with a coworker, and she wanted to read the book because she thought her husband was emotionally abusive. I was very surprised she thought he was abusive, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. She came to me after reading the book, with tears in her eyes, and said she was shocked to realize, as she read the book, that she was the emotionally abusive one! She had been listening to me pour my heart out over the past few months about my anguish over my failing marriage, and reading the book gave her insight that her husband was experiencing exactly the same thing I described to her. They got into counseling, and now, 20 years later, are still together and stronger than ever.

If you have been, or are in, a relationship that often leaves you confused, off balance, out of sorts, worn out or drained, there is a good chance you will find some clues in this book that will help identify root causes, and effectively redefine these relationships to a healthier state.

[Gruia Novac · Rating 1 out of 5]

awful. its so full of wrong information and poor analysis of situations.
there are good parts, that seem taken from other works not her own, and you can clearly see the difference in style. but i cannot give +1 star for something that clearly is not the authors, even if its good information. quotes are also good.
the superficial and nonsensical view on 'conflicts' does more hurt than good in my opinion.
sure it locks partners in a safer, higher selfesteem state, but their intimacy is still shit.
thats what an escalated conflict really is, a call for help, its vulnerable, and its a YELL that intimacy is wounded. Learn to love that yell, and understand it, not suffocate it.
we think so little, and this book asks us to think even less.

[Erin Odom · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye-opening. Validating. Convicting. Verbal abuse is not what you think.

[AJ V · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great:
- Distinction between Reality 1 and Reality 2
- Outline of types of verbal abuse

Disappointing:
- Doesn't take into account role of patriarchy and male entitlement
- Assumes that verbal abusers are not aware of them doing it, and it being caused by their wounded inner child, thus painting them as victims too
- Suggests victims of verbal abuse call out abuse every time, i.e. saying "stop it", to make it stop and invest time into working on the abuse/relationship with the abuser as if that doesn't leave them vulnerable to more abuse, control and entrapment

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a long time to read this. I witnessed a family member being verbally abused, it was shocking and scary. I told several friends about my reaction and the atmosphere of anger and violence. One of them gave me this book. She is a retired psych nurse. I wished at times for there to be less snippets of the abused person’s thoughts and more direct imparting of info.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the third Evans book I have read. In this one, she gives the survivors of verbal abuse a voice.

[Initially NO · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very thorough look at the varying ways people use verbal abuse to gain power. Patricia looks at the main types of verbal abuse, including: abusive anger, accusing and blaming, judging and criticising, withholding, denial…
Although Patricia does not write about how verbal abuse can manifest into voices, I feel there is an obvious connection between these two things, especially when a person doesn’t not want to ever be verbally abusive in response to an abuser.
This book make a lot of things that have happened in my life a lot clearer. It also made the statement that in some ways verbal abuse can have a bigger impact than physical abuse. And while this may not be true for everybody, acknowledging this goes a step towards a person understanding that what happened to them wasn’t okay.
Verbal abuse that is threatening to escalate into physical abuse if the person does not submit to the other. Understanding that it is not that the person is a masochist it is just that their life and self-esteem has been systematically reduced.
Patricia also writes about how verbal abusers can recognise what they are doing to hurt others and ruin their relationships and lives.
Really, really worth reading. It’s a topic that needs a lot of understanding and Patricia Evans has an in depth understanding of what verbal abuse is and does and ways of dealing with it that don’t involve compromise and submission.

[Liz Freed · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. Awesome. This is another must-read. Even if you aren't in an abusive relationship right now, this helps untangle all the reasons we put ourselves there, and how not to do it again. The stories from other conquerors is so encouraging - you feel unalone. :)

[Shauna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an absolutely excellent read for those who are dealing with verbal abuse. Evans gives a very clear picture of what verbal abuse really is from the survivors point of view. She also gives resources for women who are dealing with this type of abuse. I can not recommend this book highly enough. If you,or someone you know, is suffering verbal abuse get this book.

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good examples, some helpful stuff. A lot of what to do in an abusive spouse relationship, not so much about when your family or others are abusive. Overall gives you something to think about.

[Suzanne]

Reading this for a documentary I am producing. Sobering subject that should be more exposed in society

[Dustina]

It was interesting to hear women say the exact same story as mine.

[KD · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really helped me process what I've been through in the last couple of years.

[Bonnie Hestand · Rating 5 out of 5]

eye-opening. fantastic. one of the best books i have EVER read.