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If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry: How Death, Debt, and Comedy Led to a Life of Faith, Farming, and Forgetting What I Came into This Room For
In this laugh-out-loud and heartfelt memoir, writer, speaker, and podcaster Molly Stillman shares her unforgettable story of losing her mother, squandering an unexpected quarter-of-a-million-dollar inheritance in less than two years, attempting to launch a career in comedy but ending up on a farm instead, and finding faith, hope, and joy in the middle of it all.
Molly Stillman has lived the type of life that when shared, people stop in their tracks and ask, "Wait, what happened?" Molly's mother, Lynda Van Devanter Buckley served as an Army nurse during the Vietnam War and wrote the bestselling memoir, Home Before Morning. When Molly was seventeen, Lynda passed away after an eight-year battle with an autoimmune disorder due to her exposure to Agent Orange. Four years later, Molly turned twenty-one and unexpectedly inherited a quarter of a million dollars from her mother's estranged family's estate. Through "retail therapy" and a long series of grossly irresponsible financial decisions, Molly found herself broke with over $36,000 in credit card debt less than two years later. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment set in.
With aspirations of a career in comedy, Molly used humor to mask the pain and brokenness she felt, believing that if she looked joyful and put together on the outside, it would eventually be true on the inside. Instead, she spent the next few years depressed, lonely, and feeling alienated from those closest to her. But an unlikely call with a compassionate credit counselor, meeting the spreadsheet-loving man who eventually became her husband, and a surprising visit to a church started her on a path that changed everything.
If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry will bring readers into the tension of feeling both joy and grief and show them that every broken, messed up story has a purpose, and it's possible to gain everything if they're willing to surrender it all to Jesus.
Molly Stillman has lived the type of life that when shared, people stop in their tracks and ask, "Wait, what happened?" Molly's mother, Lynda Van Devanter Buckley served as an Army nurse during the Vietnam War and wrote the bestselling memoir, Home Before Morning. When Molly was seventeen, Lynda passed away after an eight-year battle with an autoimmune disorder due to her exposure to Agent Orange. Four years later, Molly turned twenty-one and unexpectedly inherited a quarter of a million dollars from her mother's estranged family's estate. Through "retail therapy" and a long series of grossly irresponsible financial decisions, Molly found herself broke with over $36,000 in credit card debt less than two years later. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment set in.
With aspirations of a career in comedy, Molly used humor to mask the pain and brokenness she felt, believing that if she looked joyful and put together on the outside, it would eventually be true on the inside. Instead, she spent the next few years depressed, lonely, and feeling alienated from those closest to her. But an unlikely call with a compassionate credit counselor, meeting the spreadsheet-loving man who eventually became her husband, and a surprising visit to a church started her on a path that changed everything.
If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry will bring readers into the tension of feeling both joy and grief and show them that every broken, messed up story has a purpose, and it's possible to gain everything if they're willing to surrender it all to Jesus.
253 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 26, 2024
105 people are currently reading
1842 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 221 reviews
February 18, 2024
I didn't read the summary closely enough before reading this book, and that is mea culpa. However, even if I had gone into it knowing that it would become an evangelical plea, I would still have some criticisms. This memoir lacked structure and cohesiveness. My favorite parts were about the author's mother, who was a nurse during the Vietnam War (and wrote her own memoir - one I think I'd enjoy!), and there are some good ponderings in that section. Molly is a skilled writer and thoughtful person. But her story was a long string of "meh" relationships and bad financial decisions leading up to the final conclusion that going to church and tithing CHANGED EVERYTHING. The last 20% is fully loaded with Christian proselytizing, which some people may find inspiring! It fell flat for me.
March 21, 2024
I wholeheartedly adore this book. I loved learning Molly's story and that of her parents. It made me laugh, it made me cry (books never make me cry), and it made me find a new appreciation for what God can and will get us through. I don't know how to adequately review this book and give it the justice it deserves. I just hope you read it and enjoy it at least half as much as I did.
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July 16, 202430 Second review here https://www.instagram.com/p/C9WOYMOx_nO/
December 16, 2023
I knew very little about Molly Stillman before opening up the electronic pages of "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry: How Death, Debt, and Comedy Led to a Life of Faith, Farming, and Forgetting What I Came into This Room for." An acclaimed blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Stillman wasn't on my radar until I read the description of her book and thought "This sounds like it's right up my alley."
It is right up my alley.
A good 50% of "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is devoted to Stillman's childhood and the mother who whose death because of Agent Orange would be a near constant shadow throughout her life. In fact, at one point I found myself mumbling "Is this book about Molly or her mother?"
It was a fair question, but I just needed to be patient.
Molly mother, Lynda Van Decanter Buckley, served as an Army nurse during Vietnam and wrote the bestselling memoir "Home Before Morning." When Molly was 17, her mother passed away after an eight-year battle with an autoimmune disorder due to her exposure to Agent Orange. This loss radiates throughout "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" and the storytelling throughout this section is heartbreaking, poignant and still, yes, a little funny.
Four years later, Molly unexpectedly inherited a quarter of a million dollars from her mother's estranged family's estate. She quickly, amazingly quickly, became a bit of a statistic when she subsequently squandered all of the cash and, in fact, ended up $36,000 in the hole with seemingly little hope of digging her way out.
While consumed by shame and guilt, Molly turned toward her longtime dream of comedy to mask the pain and brokenness. She secretly believed that if she could look happy she would eventually be happy. It was an unlikely desperate call to a compassionate credit counselor who set her on the path to emotional and financial healing. This path would eventually become paved with love when she would meet the spreadsheet-loving man who would eventually become her husband.
"If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is a most unusual book centered around faith because faith actually only comes into play toward the final 10% or so of the book when death, debt, and comedy truly did lead Molly down the road to her current life of faith, farming, a husband, two kids, and Selah Farm.
At times quite humorous and also honoring Molly's sense of grief and brokenness, "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is a redemption story of sorts devoid of the usual greeting card ending even if Molly does tend to end up traveling down a pretty wonderful path. Molly's story of loss and grief is filled with moments of tenderness and longing. Molly's journey through her mistakes and the subsequent shame and guilt is one likely to sound familiar to anyone who's ever lived a life that's left them wondering "Why would God even want me?"
At times, the tonal shifts feel a tad abrupt. This is especially true as we shift from stories around the death of Molly's mother toward her college years and segue into comedy. Because about half of "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is centered around that death that so defined Molly's growing up years, certain pieces of the book's latter half feel a bit rushed and I found myself wanting to spend more time experiencing Molly's relationship with John and her unexpected transformation by faith.
However, these are minor quibbles for an engaging, entertaining book that had me heading to the internet to learn more about Molly not long after I'd finished the final pages and was processing through my emotions with it all.
While very little discussion of faith occurs until toward the end, Molly does begin each chapter with a scriptural reference that provides a meaningful lens through which to view the chapter and Molly's life journey.
You will laugh. You will cry. You will appreciate "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry."
It is right up my alley.
A good 50% of "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is devoted to Stillman's childhood and the mother who whose death because of Agent Orange would be a near constant shadow throughout her life. In fact, at one point I found myself mumbling "Is this book about Molly or her mother?"
It was a fair question, but I just needed to be patient.
Molly mother, Lynda Van Decanter Buckley, served as an Army nurse during Vietnam and wrote the bestselling memoir "Home Before Morning." When Molly was 17, her mother passed away after an eight-year battle with an autoimmune disorder due to her exposure to Agent Orange. This loss radiates throughout "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" and the storytelling throughout this section is heartbreaking, poignant and still, yes, a little funny.
Four years later, Molly unexpectedly inherited a quarter of a million dollars from her mother's estranged family's estate. She quickly, amazingly quickly, became a bit of a statistic when she subsequently squandered all of the cash and, in fact, ended up $36,000 in the hole with seemingly little hope of digging her way out.
While consumed by shame and guilt, Molly turned toward her longtime dream of comedy to mask the pain and brokenness. She secretly believed that if she could look happy she would eventually be happy. It was an unlikely desperate call to a compassionate credit counselor who set her on the path to emotional and financial healing. This path would eventually become paved with love when she would meet the spreadsheet-loving man who would eventually become her husband.
"If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is a most unusual book centered around faith because faith actually only comes into play toward the final 10% or so of the book when death, debt, and comedy truly did lead Molly down the road to her current life of faith, farming, a husband, two kids, and Selah Farm.
At times quite humorous and also honoring Molly's sense of grief and brokenness, "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is a redemption story of sorts devoid of the usual greeting card ending even if Molly does tend to end up traveling down a pretty wonderful path. Molly's story of loss and grief is filled with moments of tenderness and longing. Molly's journey through her mistakes and the subsequent shame and guilt is one likely to sound familiar to anyone who's ever lived a life that's left them wondering "Why would God even want me?"
At times, the tonal shifts feel a tad abrupt. This is especially true as we shift from stories around the death of Molly's mother toward her college years and segue into comedy. Because about half of "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry" is centered around that death that so defined Molly's growing up years, certain pieces of the book's latter half feel a bit rushed and I found myself wanting to spend more time experiencing Molly's relationship with John and her unexpected transformation by faith.
However, these are minor quibbles for an engaging, entertaining book that had me heading to the internet to learn more about Molly not long after I'd finished the final pages and was processing through my emotions with it all.
While very little discussion of faith occurs until toward the end, Molly does begin each chapter with a scriptural reference that provides a meaningful lens through which to view the chapter and Molly's life journey.
You will laugh. You will cry. You will appreciate "If I Don't Laugh, I'll Cry."
February 21, 2024
I laughed… and I cried. Seems perfect :). I also got chills. I could hardly put this book down. What a beautiful and touching memoir. Loved it from start to finish. I thought the chapter titles were super clever too!
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March 30, 2025A wonderful testimony of Jesus’ faithfulness!
July 12, 2024
This book awakened me to the fact that there’s some connection or universal understanding we all must have—“we all” being the daughters of now-deceased Vietnam war vets whose health was destroyed by exposure to Agent Orange. This book was very triggering AND healing for me. I cried and also laughed a lot.
January 23, 2025
An excellent companion novel to The Women!
To start with some background:
Linda Van Devanter wrote a memoir about her service as a nurse during the Vietnam War called ‘Home Before Morning’. She served one year. She saw and experienced terrible, horrible things. Coming home made it even worse. Part of her story was used as inspiration for The Women by Kristin Hannah.
This novel is a memoir of the life of Linda’s daughter. She tells her experience growing up with a mother who was a Vietnam veteran and the trials that entered her family’s lives as a result of Vietnam: the isolation, the alcoholism, the effects of agent orange, and so on.
Kristin Hannah wrote a touching forward to this memoir.
I laughed and I cried while listening to this book!! I love me a good memoir where the author is also the narrator! It was an excellent performance. The highs and lows are incredible.
I’ve read a few reviews about this book and many have docked stars because the last two chapters describe this woman’s faith journey. I felt that it was not preachy, but it was an important part of her journey. She is validated in telling it because it is part of her story; it is her experience. And this is her memoir, after all. I love that she loves Jesus.
To start with some background:
Linda Van Devanter wrote a memoir about her service as a nurse during the Vietnam War called ‘Home Before Morning’. She served one year. She saw and experienced terrible, horrible things. Coming home made it even worse. Part of her story was used as inspiration for The Women by Kristin Hannah.
This novel is a memoir of the life of Linda’s daughter. She tells her experience growing up with a mother who was a Vietnam veteran and the trials that entered her family’s lives as a result of Vietnam: the isolation, the alcoholism, the effects of agent orange, and so on.
Kristin Hannah wrote a touching forward to this memoir.
I laughed and I cried while listening to this book!! I love me a good memoir where the author is also the narrator! It was an excellent performance. The highs and lows are incredible.
I’ve read a few reviews about this book and many have docked stars because the last two chapters describe this woman’s faith journey. I felt that it was not preachy, but it was an important part of her journey. She is validated in telling it because it is part of her story; it is her experience. And this is her memoir, after all. I love that she loves Jesus.
February 14, 2025
Wow. What an amazing story. I read some reviews in the middle (I don't usually read them before the book, I like it to be a surprise). But I am so surprised by the complete opposite views of those reviewing this book. While I can see that people might be offended at the proselytizing, that is not what I got from this book. This woman shared her journey, her experience through some painful times, the lucky break she received with the unexpected inheritance, and she shared publicly her thoughtless actions and careless, profliigate spending. But she was sharing HER story, how she came to return to her faith, and her genuine belief that maybe her blessings were related to her return to church and the tithing. This was an excellent book detailing HER experience. I listened to the audiobook, and thought it was done very well.
I can see where maybe some might find it boring if reading and unable to empathize with the woman. But I thought she had an interesting life story, and am not at all disappointed in this book. While I am not a church goer, my parents sent me to a private school for preschool and elementary school (only because it had "daycare' which was actually three years of preschool where we went to a service every week!) so maybe that's why this pulled to me. I still have faith, even if I don't attend a church. My parents didn't go, but my sister and I would go with our Catholic neighbors whenever they invited us. Anyway , rambling now. I did enjoy hearing her life story and hope she continues to be blessed with her family and whatever she chooses to do.
I can see where maybe some might find it boring if reading and unable to empathize with the woman. But I thought she had an interesting life story, and am not at all disappointed in this book. While I am not a church goer, my parents sent me to a private school for preschool and elementary school (only because it had "daycare' which was actually three years of preschool where we went to a service every week!) so maybe that's why this pulled to me. I still have faith, even if I don't attend a church. My parents didn't go, but my sister and I would go with our Catholic neighbors whenever they invited us. Anyway , rambling now. I did enjoy hearing her life story and hope she continues to be blessed with her family and whatever she chooses to do.
October 12, 2024
This is a must listen! Molly narrates the book, and she did a phenomenal job. I don’t believe I would have gotten “all the feels” had I read it, instead of listened. This was a really good book ☺️
June 24, 2024
Worth the read, but a little uneven. Stillman is a great storyteller, and there were parts that were made even better by her narration on the audiobook. I enjoyed reminiscing over many pop culture references from her childhood that were relatable since we are close in age. I’ve read memoirs by many SNL cast members, so it was fun to get a look inside the life of someone who dreamt of making it on SNL, but whose life took a different direction instead. Will definitely be checking out her mother’s writing on the Vietnam War.
July 24, 2024
i had never read a book that was laid out as a testimony. i believe (at least for myself) that the Lord speaks best through stories- he is the greatest storyteller of them all. no wonder Jesus mostly speaks in parables- we learn best through stories.
really cool to see how the Lord wrote Molly’s story. it is evident that he is the real author!
read this in good timing- my story feels similar to hers in some aspects. learning to give all the control to Jesus rather than try to do it myself- especially financially now
i’d recommend!! especially if you enjoy christian storytelling rather than commentaries
really cool to see how the Lord wrote Molly’s story. it is evident that he is the real author!
read this in good timing- my story feels similar to hers in some aspects. learning to give all the control to Jesus rather than try to do it myself- especially financially now
i’d recommend!! especially if you enjoy christian storytelling rather than commentaries
March 22, 2024
I have a hard time finishing books. My friends and family laugh at me because I usually have 2-3 unfinished books at a time. I tend to lose interest and I’m picky about writing style. Not this book! was engaged with Molly’s every word. She’s a compelling story teller will have you laughing and crying all throughout this book as she takes you through the events of what lead to finding her true self, her husband, and most of all, finding hope. I want everyone I know to read it!
April 2, 2024
I loved this book so much. I’ve followed Molly online for over a decade and consider her a friend. This is quintessential Molly… funny and earnest and joyful and honest. Her testimony is so powerful and her willingness to share it is a gift.
August 1, 2024
If you have read The Women by Kristin Hannah this is a great book to read. It’s the story of the daughter of the lady that The Women was based on. I suggest listening to it. The author narrates it and she’s so great!
June 5, 2024
Thank you for sharing your story! God gave me a paradigm shift on forgiveness while listening to the last chapter! Thanks!!! His forgiveness is AWESOME! ❤️
July 13, 2024
I was always eager to listen to the next chapter in Molly's book. She was real and brave in telling her story.
January 24, 2025
WHAT A BOOK! Wow! Probably my favorite memoir I've read. The author is witty and weaves an excellent story, but don't be fooled by the title because you will cry. There are highs and lows and everything in between, and then the book ends with a beautiful presentation of the gospel. I just loved it.
August 23, 2024
Listening to this as an audiobook was the best decision!! I loved getting to hear the tone and emotion. A great, fun read with good nuggets of wisdom!
May 2, 2024
Audiobook! Read by Molly! Who took our UNC grad photos!!
Everyone’s review that I’ve seen has said this but it’s true - I both laughed and cried!! This was a cool listen because I feel like I know Molly through social media (following since 2018, including lots of time while she was writing this). But I really don’t at all. Memoirs are interesting because I think they are best told chronologically but with strategically weaved in insight/stories. Molly did a great job of that (better than brittney Spears..) especially at the beginning. Towards the end I thought it was sped up and tied with a bow (“I found god and then everything fell into place”). But I wanted to hear more about tests of faith and how it ACTUALLY led to where she’s at now
Also liked the quotations Molly had at the beginning of each chapter
“Pain is a much greater teacher than blessing”
“Where are you placing your Hope, your identity, your self-worth?”
I have Thoughts and Feelings on god, but I think I can take some of what was being preached and bring it into my life - spirituality of letting go, trusting in something greater
Def wanna read her mom’s book now
Everyone’s review that I’ve seen has said this but it’s true - I both laughed and cried!! This was a cool listen because I feel like I know Molly through social media (following since 2018, including lots of time while she was writing this). But I really don’t at all. Memoirs are interesting because I think they are best told chronologically but with strategically weaved in insight/stories. Molly did a great job of that (better than brittney Spears..) especially at the beginning. Towards the end I thought it was sped up and tied with a bow (“I found god and then everything fell into place”). But I wanted to hear more about tests of faith and how it ACTUALLY led to where she’s at now
Also liked the quotations Molly had at the beginning of each chapter
“Pain is a much greater teacher than blessing”
“Where are you placing your Hope, your identity, your self-worth?”
I have Thoughts and Feelings on god, but I think I can take some of what was being preached and bring it into my life - spirituality of letting go, trusting in something greater
Def wanna read her mom’s book now
September 11, 2025
I really really loved this memoir. Such an incredible story, but still so relatable.
Absolutely has to be done in audio for her character voices and singing.
Seems like a random comp, but you have to read this if you loved the Women!
Absolutely has to be done in audio for her character voices and singing.
Seems like a random comp, but you have to read this if you loved the Women!
September 11, 2024
The most interesting parts are about her mom, who sounds fascinating. The rest was meh. Then the end felt SO rushed...'I found God, started tithing, got married, got out of debt, bought a farm and You CAN TOO'. The End. She even claims 'I don't' believe in prosperity gospel', but the tone of the end suggests otherwise.
October 1, 2024
I didn’t actually find this book that funny, not sure why. But it was such an honest, heartfelt, (sometimes heartbreaking) memoir that I grew to love it more the more pages I turned. Keep at this book right till the end and you will be amazed at the story of redemption.
January 27, 2025
Checked this one out because the cover looked modern. Dropped it pretty quick.
It doesn't seem like this person has much to say I mean they don't even have a wikipedia page.
Not to be so hateful, but why on earth is this person writing a memoir?
It doesn't seem like this person has much to say I mean they don't even have a wikipedia page.
Not to be so hateful, but why on earth is this person writing a memoir?
May 13, 2024
I found myself skipping pages and then eventually wondering why I am reading about this person??? It could possibly be a good book if you know the author personally 🤷♀️
June 1, 2024
I found this boring. Not quite sure why. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood.
March 20, 2024
Molly's story is definitely unique and personal, but I think all of us can find pieces of ourselves in her story. That one friend who doesn't turn out to be who you thought they would be--check. That guy who you thought you really liked, turns out he sucks (i.e. not the right one!)--check. Making stupid financial choices--check. Amazing redemption--check! I poured through this book, and true to the title, I literally laughed and cried in the process! I highly recommend that you add this to your book list for 2024!
February 20, 2024
I’m not usually a fan of memoir, but I found myself engulfed in Molly’s incredible story and the hope found in these pages. As a special needs mom, I’m always saying if I’m not laughing I’m crying, and humor has gotten me through many a struggle. You will love this book if you too are faced with hard times and want to witness the not-so-pretty picture of powering through and finding the beauty that comes with taking the journey with Jesus.
July 27, 2024
Right after reading “The Women” by Kristin Hannah, I was listening to a That Sounds Fun podcast with Annie F. Downs. Molly Stillman happened to be the guest and I knew I had to read this book after hearing that her mother was a nurse in the Vietnam war. I thoroughly enjoyed this memoir and reading about her painful journey to faith. I loved her humor and vulnerability in sharing. This is one of my top 5 books of 2024.
September 4, 2024
I think this is one you must experience as an audiobook. Molly Stillman narrates her own book, and as a comedian, she is really entertaining to listen to. My favorite part of the book was the first half that focused a lot on her mother. I read this book as recommended reading after reading “The Women” by Kristin Hannah, who based a lot of her novel on Molly’s mother’s memoir about her service in Vietnam. I was so captivated by Molly’s mother’s story- now I can’t wait to read her book!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 221 reviews