Insight Dialogue: The Interpersonal Path to Freedom

by Gregory Kramer

Insight Dialogue is a way of bringing the tranquility and insight attained in meditation directly into your interactions with other people. It’s a practice that involves interacting with a partner in a retreat setting or on your own, as a way of accessing a profound kind of insight. Then, you take that insight on into the grind of everyday human interactions. Gregory Kramer has been teaching the practice (which he originated) for more than a decade in retreats around the world. It’s something strikingly new in the world of Buddhist practice—yet it’s completely grounded in traditional Buddhist teaching.

Kramer begins with a detailed presentation of the central Buddhist teaching of the Four Noble Truths seen through an interpersonal lens. Because dukkha (suffering or unsatisfactoriness) is often most forcefully felt in our relations with others, interpersonal relationships are a wonderfully useful place to practice. He breaks the Noble Truths down into component parts to observe how they manifest particularly in relationship to others, using examples from his own life and practice, as well as from his students’. He then goes on to present the practice as it’s taught in his workshops and retreats. There are a few basic steps to the practice, deceptively simple to (1) pause, (2) relax, (3) open, (4) trust emergence, (5) listen deeply, and (6) speak the truth.

The sequence begins following a period of meditation, and includes periods of speaking, listening, and mutual silence. Kramer includes numerous examples of people’s experience with the practice from his retreats, and shows how the insight gained from the techniques can be brought into real life. More than just testimonials for how well the practice “works,” the personal stories demonstrate the problems that arise, the different routes the practice can follow, and the sometimes surprising insights that are gained.

To learn more about the author, Gregory Kramer, go to www.metta.org.

Genres: Buddhism, Meditation, Spirituality, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships

304 pages, Paperback

First published September 11, 2007

About the author

Gregory Kramer teaches, writes, and is the founding teacher of the Insight Dialogue Community. His primary focuses are sharing a relational understanding of the Dhamma and teaching Insight Dialogue, an interpersonal form of Buddhist insight meditation. He has been teaching worldwide since 1980.

Formerly a composer, NEA Composition Fellow, and founder of the Electronic Art Ensemble, he has made significant contributions to music technology and holds multiple patents in the field.

Reviews

[Happyreader · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up from the library after reading an article entitled "Talk Like a Buddha" about Insight Dialogue in the Summer 2008 issue of Tricycle. I skipped over a lot of the intro Buddhism stuff since he doesn't have the most readable style but I'm giving the book four stars because the section on Pause-Relax-Open/Trust Emergence/Listen Deeply-Speak Truthfully is really well done. I'd get the book to just read that section.

[Frank Jude · Rating 4 out of 5]

Years ago, my first yoga teacher told me that the real yoga is in relationship. And as I've grown older, that has become ever more clear. Even when not foregrounded, the practice of meditation, which can certainly be seen as a solitary endeavor, when practiced in a sangha, is the practice of sitting alone together. And sitting together, alone. The relationship is there, but until the practice of Insight Meditation, it was never so centrally situated and engaged with in what can be a truly intimate and transformative practice.

I will say that I did experience something of this in my time with Thich Nhat Hanh's Order, as sitting in small groups, in a non-hierarchical circle, practicing deep listening and deep speech has some of the same flavor of what Gregory Kramer presents in this book and in this practice he offers.

Kramer's practice is thoroughly grounded in satipatthana, so it's not simply the "bare attention" that so many contemporary teachers are offering as "mindfulness." What he has done is bring forth some themes from the practice of satipatthana as grist for contemplation and discussion, allowing for a deep interpenetration of intra-personal and inter-personal.

Coming from a patriarchal, monastic tradition, Insight Meditation offers a practice that can hold great promise for us householders living in the world, where relationships offer both the nurturance of our greatest joys and our deepest suffering. I think any and every sangha would benefit from adding Insight Meditation to it's group practice.

[Elizabeth]

from the library

Table of Contents

Part One THIS COMES FROM THE WORLD
1. On the Path Together
2. The Emergence of a Practice
3. An Awake Human Being

Part Two FOUR INTERPERSONAL TRUTHS

4. The First Noble Truth: Interpersonal Suffering
The Fact of Suffering
A Bare Assessment of Suffering
Interpersonal Suffering
A Realistic First Step

5. The Second Noble Truth: Interpersonal Hunger

Clinging to Hunger Causes Suffering
Three Basic Hungers
Forming the Relational Self
The Hunger for Pleasure and the Urge to Avoid Pain
The Hunger to Be and the Fear of Non-Being
The Hunger to Avoid Being, and the Fear of Being Seen
The Hungers Intermingled
The Energy That Drives Greed, Hatred, and Delusion

6. The Third Noble Truth: Cessation

Gradual Cessation
Three Hungers Fading
Diminishing Greed, Hatred, and Delusion
Ignorance and Freedom
Cessation and the Happiness of the Unintoxicated Life

7. The Fourth Noble Truth: The Full-Spectrum Path
The Nature of the Eightfold Path
One Path: Personal and Interpersonal
Ordinary and Extraordinary Manifestations of the Path
Transformation and Integration
A Full Spectrum Path

Part Three PRACTICE
8. Elements of an Effective Path
99
9. Insight Dialogue Meditation Instructions
107
10. Pause
109
11. Relax
119
12. Open
129
13. Trust Emergence
139
14. Listen Deeply
150
15. Speak the Truth
163
16. The Guidelines Working Together
181
17. The Contemplations
186
Contemplation in Insight Dialogue
186
Contemplation Examples
194
The Thematic Retreat—Sankhara—Constructions
200
18. Forms of Practice
203
Four Forms of Practice, One Set of Instructions
203
The Insight Dialogue Retreat
203
Weekly Groups
211
Online Insight Dialogue
215
Practice in Life
219
19. Diversions in Practice
231
Identifying with Emotions—the Sharing Circle
232
Hyper-sweet: Mired in Superficial Niceties
235
Identifying with Thought—the Discussion Group
237
Caught in the Teaching Stance
241
Silent Meditation—Retreating from the Interpersonal
244
Trance, Gazing, and Greed for Experience
247
Part Four LIVING THE TRADITION
20. Touching the World
253
Work
253
Couples and Families
258
Society
260
21. Insight Dialogue and Traditional Buddhist Teachings
263
The Guidelines and Contemplations
263
The Path and Teachings in General
264
Integration from the Bottom Up
264
Mutual Benefits of Personal and Interpersonal Meditation
266
Insight Dialogue Compared to Traditional Retreat
266
The Noble Eightfold Path Becomes Real
267
Foundations of Mindfulness
269
Dependent Origination
270
22. Simply Human
272
Acknowledgments 277
Notes 279
Index 285
About the Metta Foundation 293

[Scot · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fantastic read for long-time Buddhists and the mildly curious alike. Kramer unfolds a system that asks us to go beyond our intrapersonal meditation practice and engage in an interpersonal practice through insight dialogue. We are not only called to mindfulness, deep listening, and non-attachment with others in practice but also with our co-workers, family, friends, partners, and society as a hole. By pausing into mindfulness, relaxing away our mental, emotional, and bodily tension, and opening our heart and spirit to what emerges we meet life here and now and can benefit greatly.

In this book, Kramer explains the Dhamma teachings of the eightfold path in a voice that anyone can understand and then delves into a meditation practice that is universal and helps us see beyond our time alone as the only way to one we can apply always. He then takes time to show examples of how the practice applies in groups and society. He finishes asking us to let go of our attachment to outcomes and instead find depth, joy and beauty in all we do.

It was a wonderful book and I highly recommend it to long-time Buddhists as well as those interested in more fully experiencing a richer life within and without.

[Tom Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here is a wonderful introduction to Buddhism and compassion. The Buddha spent 45 years teaching. His teachings were always about the Four Noble Truths yet we tend to forget that studying the Four Noble Truths is one of the most important of all the vast Buddhist teachings.

Here Gregory Kramer interprets the Four Noble Truths in the context of interpersonal growth. This is a very unique interpretation but in our incredibly connected and distressing age, it is about as timely as discovering an oasis just when you thought dying of thirst was your only option.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be paired with reading The Buddha's Wife: The Path of Awakening Together and possibly Awakening Together: The Spiritual Practice of Inclusivity and Community. Oh heck, add The Magnanimous Heart

This book is incredibly helpful in outlining and explaining a path toward awakening and spiritual growth embedded in relationships with others -- you know, the way we live our actual lives. The specific practices and guidelines outlined here as well as the fact that they point to online and retreat-based ways of engaging these practices is very helpful. I also benefited by the attention paid to loneliness and efforts to love without clinging.

[Caterina Vidulli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ho letto questo libro un anno fa, sul momento pensavo di poter applicare molti degli insegnamenti nella mia vita quotidiana ma alla fine ammetto di non avercela fatta. Il ciclo di azioni da fare quando interagiamo con gli altri, un misto di Pausa, Relax, comprensione, elaborazione, etc è di difficile attuazione nelle situazioni reali, in cui non si ha il tempo e la tranquillità mentale di passare ogni situazione sotto questo processo che migliorerebbe notevolmente le nostre reazioni.

Nonostante ciò conoscere questi strumenti è importante, ti fanno capire che ci sono altri modi di reagire e di rielaborare ciò che ci succede. Inoltre ci fa rendere conto di come al contrario reagiamo “male” e di come reagiscono gli altri, aiutandoci a capirli un po’ di più e prenderci maggiormente la responsabilità della comunicazione.

Il libro non è molto scorrevole ma merita di essere letto, anzi andrebbe studiato e ripreso più volte!

Lo consiglio a professori, imprenditori, psicologi e anche ai genitori che vogliono capire meglio i figli.

[Elizabeth Lozano · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unlike other Dharma book, I could not apply this to my life except in the context of a sangha interested in insight dialogue. So, I cannot relate to the hook that well. Regardless, I found inside it an invitation to try and practice this in the classroom...

[Jeffrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good for setting the stage for meaningful dialogue. At times though it reads like a sales brochure for the author's workshops.

[Carles · Rating 2 out of 5]

Extends unceasingly a topic without any sense

[Corinne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a textbook for my Mindful Communication course. The book will remain a critical part of my most useful resources on mindfulness. It was fantastically, and even beautifully, written, practical, and fascinating. I look forward to infusing more of this meditation technique into my life.

[Bjorn Sorensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the biggest insights here is that we can achieve just as much calm, compassion and honesty – if not more - meditating with others as we can meditating alone. In fact, we can practice mindfulness in any situation. The compassion and patience we show ourselves reinforces the compassion and patience we show others. Then it comes back to us.

Gregory Kramer’s book wisely integrates the Buddhist emphasis on non-clinging, on our constant constructs to need things in our lives - pleasure, the desire to be seen and appreciated and the desire to be left alone.

Just on the basis of writing style, the book does a nice job of avoiding difficult-to-pronounce, sometimes difficult-to-grasp foreign words and phrases. The seven basic steps of mindfulness described here - pause/relax/open, trust emergence and listen deeply/speak the truth - are therefore easy to understand, can be applied in order, on their own or joined with any other step as applicable to each different situation and person.

The author's use of language is beautiful and his calls for honesty and being real to each moment struck a deep chord in my heart. I felt regret, pain, sadness and anger drift into the realm of compassion, to seeing myself in others and their suffering and happiness in me. I begin to feel a deep sense of freedom when the constraints of urgency and expectation don't crowd my thoughts, when my past experiences have less control over how I think or feel about a current moment, which will be more fruitful with spontaneity, humor and gentleness. I throw away images of what my friendships and relationship should be, what my work situation should be, and how the world should be, and see them more for how they actually are. In this acceptance of the world, I can accept my own mistakes, selfishness and fear, and embark on new endeavors.

It's hard to not give a book this important five stars. The language is repetitive and many paragraphs too long. This took away a lot of directness and intimacy from reading the book, and would just seem to benefit the literary-type learner vs. someone who may learn from more charts, bullet points and pictures/diagrams. This issue came to a humorous head at the start of the chapter on Speak the Truth when the author writes " ...we don't say what is not useful. There is economy about our speech. We say what is appropriate, not more." Three sentences that say the same thing - be brief! The book also emphasizes the week-long Insight Dialogue retreats a little too much. These are incredibly important endeavors, but the author's incessant mention of them made the book feel a little too much like a commercial and also took valuable space away from having more complete and specific explanations of how to incorporate Insight Dialogue techniques into daily life.

On the whole, these are minor complaints. The ultimate justice that this books seeks would benefit anyone, and by each individual extension, possibly all of us. As Gregory Kramer states in the last chapter, "Simply Human":

"Truth is revealed at the kitchen table and in the meditation hall. Special practices, clear awareness, careful attention: these all contribute to our capacity to do our best. So does sharing a meal, asking our children how their day was, and listening to their answers with a heart that knows the world is harrowed with pain and aware that this moment of their reply is nevertheless unique."

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beginning to think the gist of every book like is "be less of a jerk". Not revolutionary, but always good to be reminded!

[Carolyn Quinn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This sounds trite, but it's true ... enlightening and for Buddhist study ... a page turner!

[Marina Riker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it. Great resource for a co-meditative practice. Insight Dialogue meditation instructions (Pause, Relax,Open, Trust Emergence, Listen Deeply and Speak the Truth) resemble the skills essential for attending to the embodied relational field in relational psychotherapies (embodiment, attunement, resonance and articulation).