This book . . . was just goddamn ridiculous. Like Wrong Turn with Eliza Dushku ridiculous. Deliverance for the teenage crowd.
It starts with this teenage relationship that’s so grossly overblown that I couldn’t help but wonder if the author was actually not-so-subtly poking fun at teenagers. It was that amped up and OMG I LOVE YOU it was laughable. Laura’s big secret that she carries for two chapters because she’s so worried it’ll end her relationship is that she has to go spend time with her family for two weeks over spring break. Her biggest concern was her boyfriend getting mad because of that and dumping her. I can’t even. Of course she proceeds to be a stupidly spoiled brat through packing and traveling up to Maine with her family that you just start to wish she’s fall under a moving tire already.
Enter the hillbillies who use words like purdy to describe the grossed out Laura. Of course Paw (that’s how it’s spelled in the book, no lie) wants the purdy city girl to marry his son (no, really) because this is what happens in real life but dad steps in and a cop shows up and scoots everyone along and the first confrontation is ended. Laura ends up meeting with the yokels again and they nearly kidnap her so they can take her to their trailer and have her do woman things for them (I am not lying) but the cop saves the day a second time and escorts her back home.
Well them hillbillies don’t like being spurned so they plan an all out attack on the cabin that includes breaking and entering to kidnap her only Laura, thanks to a birthday gift of a Ouija board, has some spirits squatting inside of her head that give her advice on what to do in this trying situation (I’m still not lying). Thanks to the voices in her head she kills some slack-jawed dudes and leaves one to be mauled by a moose (which she didn’t originally know was a moose despite the fact that she’s from New England, couldn’t recognize it and apparently all you need to do to get a MOOSE to go away is wave your hands and say shoo, go ahead, try THAT) but we don’t know if he’s dead and OH THE SUSPENSE.
Head spaces are royally screwed as they all go back to Port City but, of course, the horror isn’t over. Young hillbilly son Jacob that’s sweet on our protagonist somehow found his way to her house, broke in (he sure is adept as doing that) and tries to kill her. Enter head ghosts and Laura’s finally successful at laying the monster truck smack down on his ass and finally kills him. Once ghost voices depart she knows nothing, Jon Snow, and is back to her giggly old self, going Romeo and Juliet all over her boyfriend (because they’re pre-engaged, totally, at 16).
So, um, no. This was just dumb. Not scary, not even entertainingly cheese. Just downright stupid.
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