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27 pages, Audible Audio
First published July 2, 2023
“Why was the union broken so easily? Because they were out in the open. They were playing by the rules. How can you win a deliberately unfair game when the rules are written by your opponent? The answer is, you can't. You will never win. Not as long as you follow their arbitrary guidelines.”
“Never stare into the blinding eye of the Bedlam Bride. What it means is don’t become obsessed with something, lest you’re blinded to everything else.”
“I mean, really. I can’t be held accountable for everything I’ve ever said to a stripper.”
“I didn’t realize you’d actually get that thing to work. Are you planning on growing a mullet as well? Are there any Waffle Houses between here and there? Maybe we can stop and get into a brawl, but only after you bounce a few child support payment checks first.”
“I remembered Mordecai’s advice when it came to mages. They can’t cast their spells when you’re punching them in the face.”
“You are more than just a person, if we lose you we lose everything. You are a symbol. You're the embodiment of our hope. You and that annoying f**king cat!.”
“I love that guy! Strippers are supposed to have names like that. There’s Anaconda. Damascus Steel. Dong Quixote.”
“Don’t gaslight me, Jesus.”
“Did... did you just rip your dick off and throw it at me?” “I’m going to do it again if you don’t let me in.”
“There’s this scent one associates with their parents. You don’t even think about it until you’ve been away for so long, and it returns, towing unwelcome memories with it, shoving them at you all at once.”
“Donut: PREPOTENTE DON’T BE MEAN TO KATIA. Rezan: Why does that cat always type in all caps? Donut: WHY DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER DRIBBLE YOU BACK OUT ONTO THE TRUCK STOP BATHROOM FLOOR, REZAN?”





"I'm not stupid. None of us are. We all know what happens next. It's going to be terrible, and some of us are going to die. And if we survive? We go down to the next floor, and we do it all over again. I have a whole, entire army of elves who want to kill me on the ninth floor. Britney can't stop crying. Tran just watched a memory of his own mother tell him he's not welcome home anymore. Katia is struggling every day, and Bautista is having a nervous breakdown. And every time I look at you, I get scared that you're going to go insane and kill everybody in the room because your eyes are getting wilder and wilder by the day."Emberus bless us every one, it's a Very Carl Christmas!
He lifted a shaking finger and pointed it into my chest. "But not tonight. None of that is going to matter tonight. I don't care what you say or what you think. I don't care what day it really is. Tonight it's fucking Christmas, and we are going to have fun and drink some goddamned eggnog and open presents."
New Quest. The Chowder War.Goddamnit, Dinniman.
Oh, you're getting involved whether you like it or not.
The Monk Seals. The Red Maniseros Land Crabs.
War is brewing, as it often does in these parts. Every season, the land crabs emerge from their forests to atttend their sex parties in the oceans surrounding these lands. The Monk Seals hold the ocean sacred, the very act of spilling so much crab chowder into their holy waters is considered a sacrilege most foul. This is no minor inconvenience. And it's not just a few little clouds of the batter, either. There are a lot of these crabs. Like, a lot. And when they let go ... man. It's like a category 5 jizz storm down there. Fish die. The food becomes scarce. The baby monk seals and their food supplies are literally getting bukkaked to death with gallons of weird, chunky crab spooge.