This is a book about a man who was always THERE, or THERE adjacent, or knew the people who were right THERE.
From his days with 1 PARA during Operation Banner, to his time with the SAS and Selous Scouts Recce Troop, his time locked up in Goromonzi, to his final years in Mozambique and Iraq, Jake was really in the thick of it time and time again.
You'll see a lot of people talk about his overcoming adversity, his struggles, or focus on his actions and incidents, and it's all there, page after page. If you want to know what selection was like, the physical and mental toughness required, if you want to know what the contact and firefights, an interesting view of the Paras in NI, and SAS operations across the borders, this book has it in spades.
But what Budd was able to write about that sets this book apart, was the more personal aspects. His two marriages, his feelings toward Rhodesia as a nation, staying on and working for the new government in Zimbabwe and more. To read the chapter on the election night and about Mugabe's slaughter of the Matabele cuts right to the bone and is raw in its emotion. To read the chapter about his time in Goromonzi is incredibly difficult to read because of its detail and horrors. More importantly, Budd and Jake never shy away from the trauma and its effects on him after that. How much that changed him, how much he continued to suffer because of that.
This is a man who killed, who had so many friends killed, who saw atrocities, and isn't shy about talking about an incident that he was ashamed to have partaken in. And a man who stayed, even when so many others left, who knew his faults and admitted them while sometimes trying to blame the stresses of the job, but accepted much of the responsibility for the things he did.
Which is why that chapter on Goromonzi hits home so hard. As he succinctly put it, he was always willing to pay the price for the things he did, but to be tortured and destroyed in so many ways for something that someone else did, for something he was innocent of... that was too much to handle, too much to endure, and yet... he did. He survived, but surviving doesn't mean you aren't affected, don't carry the wounds and scars, and doesn't mean you are the same person you were before.
There is a lot to say about this book, and each section contains so much incredible info, so many good stories, and the writing is so fluid. From being a covert photographer and political shenanigans when he was with CIO and Special Branch, to the fireforce concept and what it was like fighting a war against all sides while heavily sanctioned. His experiences with the complexities of South Africa's machinations inside of Rhodesia/Zimbabwe, and how even his own former friends wanted him dead for staying behind all give you an incredibly vivid picture of his life and the world around him.
I'm really glad I grabbed this book, and reading it was definitely one of the highlights of this years group of books.