Securely Attached: Transform Your Attachment Patterns into Loving, Lasting Romantic Relationships (Attachment Workbook)

by Eli Harwood

“A resource that every therapist, client, and person needs in their life.”
—Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times-bestselling author of How to Do the Work and creator of @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram

Unlock the key to deeply satisfying relationships and create the love you want with this fun and practical workbook from Eli Harwood, aka The Attachment Nerd. A licensed therapist and viral TikTok star, Harwood will help you navigate the path to an intimate, secure relationship with your sweetheart.

Grounded in attachment theory research, Securely Attached clearly and gently guides you in delving deeper and overcoming problematic patterns that are holding you back from getting—and keeping—the close, fulfilling relationship you want. 140 insightful prompts will help

• IDENTIFY YOUR ATTACHMENT PATTERNS. Understand which four categories inform your close relationships and why. 
• HEAL PAST WOUNDS. Reflect and process your unique attachment story for a perspective shift.
• DEVELOP TOOLS FOR GROWTH. Quizzes, exercises, and tips provide actionable steps to learning secure patterns.
• LOVE SECURELY. Find, build, and nurture healthy ways of loving—and being loved.

With this workbook, you will come to understand your attachment story and how to move forward into the kind of connection with loved ones you want now and in the future. Transform insecure attachment patterns and unlock the key to deeply satisfying relationships with this insightful journal. Securely Attached is your guide to creating the love you want now!

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Marriage, Parenting

175 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 21, 2023

Reviews

[Megan Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

"What happens in our lives as little people plays a big role in how we relate to our close friends and partners as adults."

"No child is ever responsible for the way an adult behaves, acts, or thinks."

"What's your worthiness level?
Trick question! There is no system of evaluating worth! Did you know that? You're human, so you're worthy of secure love and affection! PERIOD. But that doesn't mean that you FEEL worthy. And how we feel about our worth has a huge impact on who we choose, what we settle for, and whether we advocate for what we want and need in relationships."

"Do you know who the person is that you spend the most time with? It's YOU, silly goose! And if you are the person that you spend the most time with, then your relationship with yourself is going to have a big impact on how you feel about yourself and therefore how secure you can be in your other relationships. If you treated yourself as if you were your own TRUE LOVE.
How would you talk to yourself differently?"

"Did you know that the way the people in your life "mirror" your emotional states affects whether you feel secure with them? If you are sad and someone smiles at you, it IS NOT comforting, it is misattuned. Just like if you are full of joy and someone makes a frowny face in your direction. We long to see our emotional states reflected on the faces of people we are close to. Other people's mirror of our emotional state signals to our nervous system that they are receiving what we feel, which makes us feel less alone, which then helps our system to calm. (There is a whole theory called Polyvagal Theory, which posits that we have an entire nerve dedicated to this signaling between faces.)"

"If you cannot read someone's face to tell if they are receiving what you feel, they may have an Avoidant attachment strategy. Ask what they are feeling, because it may be that they are receiving your emotions but just don't know how to show it."

"Connection is what brings us calm. When we are young, we are not able to regulate ourselves for two reasons. Our brains are not developed enough, and they are wired to develop optimally through soothing attachment connections. Human beings crave feeling calm- FROM OTHERS! The body state of equilibrium is where we feel present and open. Safe and free. It is the state where we learn and love best."

"Grandiose expectations: • If my partner doesn't meet my every single need, I feel betrayed. • I want my partner to know what I need without having to tell them.
Inadequate expectations: I am lucky someone wants to be with me; I don't want to ask for more. • I don't want to burden anyone with what I need, so I stuff them down and pretend I'm fine • I focus only on what the other person wants and needs and not on myself. • Beggars can't be choosers; I tend to minimize the mistreatment in my relationship."

"PEOPLE-PLEASING AS A SURVIVAL SKILL:
If you grew up in a family where a parent or a sibling was highly reactive, you may have developed one or both of these codependent coping skills to survive.
Fawning is when you are overly
positive, generous, and kind to other people in hopes that it will keep the target off your head. You learned that if you constantly pleased this toxic person(s) from your past that they would aim their rage at you less (not never, just less).
Responsibility dysmorphia is what happens as a result. After fawning as a survival instinct, you became adept at taking on other people's responsibilities and believing that it was YOUR actions that controlled THEIR behaviors and emotional responses. Your idea of your responsibility is out of whack."

"Make a list of past experiences you took responsibility for that you had no power to change. For example, believing that it was your fault when a parent erupted at you. Or feeling like avoiding your partner's accusations was your job. Or believing you needed to be a perfect partner so a sweetheart wouldn't cheat on you."

"-Caring: A person with a secure attachment pattern offers emotional and practical care to the people they are close to, without condition or expectation.
-Receptive: A person with a secure attachment pattern is open to the emotional needs and states of the people they are close to, even in hard times.
-Curious: A person with a secure attachment pattern wants to know and learn more about the people they are close to, no matter how long they have known them.
-Accountable: A person with a secure attachment pattern is capable of owning their mistakes and making repairs with the people they are close to.
-Responsive: A person with a secure attachment pattern is available and quickly responsive to the tender and emotional needs of their people.
-Equitable: A person with a secure attachment pattern is concerned with everyone getting what they need (including themselves) and no one being left with a disproportionate amount of labor in the relationship tasks.
-Honest: A person with a secure attachment pattern is authentic and shares their true thoughts and needs with their partners.
-Compassionate: A person with a secure attachment pattern has a tender heart toward themselves and others."

"So many people are stuck in an insecure scarcity mindset. This mindset leads to constantly keeping score in your relationship. Who did the dishes last? Who says I love you first? Who spends the most on groceries? Who initiates sex more? This mindset feels like protection, but it is damaging to the relationship. The goal isn't to have a partner who does everything the exact same way and amount as you. The goal is to find someone who shows how they are as devoted and committed to the relationship as you are."

"According to the Gottman Institute, one of the most world-renowned relationship research organizations, this ratio is a very important one to remember: 5:1. According to their scientific findings, stable and secure relationships have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction DURING conflict. This is established through a culture of expressing kindness and love to one another."

Positive interaction ideas:
• Give a compliment
• Blow an air kiss
• Celebrate an accomplishment together
• Do a favor
• Be on time for each other
• Laugh at a joke
• Do a chore that isn't yours
• Be goofy
• Hold hands
• Fall asleep saying I love you
• Give a hug or a kiss
• Wear a scent they like
• Let them comfort you in hard moments
• Read an article they asked you to
• Buy a fav candy
• Tell them an important story from your day
• Write a love note
• Offer physical affection or intimacy
• Say I like you
• REALLY listen
• Flirt with them
• Say thank you
• Be empathetic to their feelings
• Acknowledge their work
• Offer a back rub
• Brag about them in front of others

"Mind reading is overrated. The secure action is always to SAY WHAT YOU NEED and not to wait for someone to figure it out. And a secure partner...will try to meet your need, not try to figure it out before you ask."

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished it. Wow, what a journey! Not going to lie, it definitely felt like hard work but one worth doing. Like therapy in book form, as far as this medium can accomplish that. Attachment theory is hugely important and pretty complex (and one of my favourites), I am so glad this exists so that more people can learn about it, hopefully get curious and want to understand about it and themselves more.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely love Attachment Nerd's instagram videos and haunted my library until they obtained a copy of her book. Now I'm regretting borrowing the book and plan to buy my own copy to make notes and follow the exercises.
My thoughts are not supposed to be criticisms, more like wishes for the next book.
It was hard to write down crap from my childhood. I love my parents and know that it's the eldest child's job to be the "burnt pancake" taxed with watching my parents grow up and become great parents for my youngest sibling-- I wish the book also had exercises for forgiving/moving past that instead of focusing on digging up my grievances. I think most mature adults can take a step back and acknowledge that their parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had; however, as a kid, I thought becoming an adult would help me understand and sympathize my parents' choices, but I think it just made me more protective of my children. I don't think it helped me at all to put my parents on a scale from 1 to crappy (the author put it more kindly, but this is how it felt).
I wish the book focused more on what I can do to change and be more for my spouse and children. I already understand those issues, but it's REALLY hard to deviate from the only parenting I've ever known. Ask me how many parenting books I've read, and I still struggle against the impulse to shut down my children when they're feeling big emotions even though I KNOW how deeply this hurt me as a kid. Knowing is not enough to make changes, it's constant and intentional thoughts and actions-- I would've loved for exercises to help parents move past these triggers.
The "blank face" commentary absolutely gutted me. I hate that I do this sometimes, and hate that it was done to me but didn't have the words for why it was wrong. I love that it was brought to my attention, but I would've appreciated, again, a defined process for how to avoid it. As I said before, when I don't know how to respond, my gut reaction is to respond with the only parenting I've ever known.
I highly recommend this book not just for parents, but for anyone whose work or circumstances involve children. I'm really looking forward to future publications by Attachment Nerd.

[kale · Rating 5 out of 5]

if you can’t afford therapy or maybe are nervous about starting, I think this could be a good tool to hold you over until you can get therapy (depending on personal situation and severity of course) or maybe even a good starting point

this workbook really makes you reflect on why you attach to people the way you do and what happened to you as a child that led you here.

i think i’ll continue to use this workbook as a guide and it’ll be something I come back to frequently

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic guided journal for both clients AND mental health practitioners. The prompts in this journal are thought-provoking and directive enough to get you thinking about things but also open enough so as to not elicit preconceived responses. It also very thoughtfully described each attachment style is non-shaming ways, providing lots of examples of what this looks like in caregiver, friend, and romantic relationships. I look forward to using this book with clients, colleagues, and others in my personal life. And can’t wait to read the secure parenting book coming out soon!!!

[Caleb Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This guided journal is an absolute must for anyone who engages in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

I not only learned a lot, but was given language to describe my experience and attachment style. Now that I know my attachment style, I can better navigate the challenges that come with it. Being aware is more than half the battle.

My only critique is that much of the book wasn't applicable to me personally. However, that's to be expected since this book targets each attachment type, and goes over them generally. I wish there was more information on the attachment styles and how to heal from the wounds there. But again, as a general overview and crash course on attachment, this is a must-read.

If you seem to encounter a trend of the same issues in your relationships, stop considering this book and just buy it.

5 Stars.

[Rachael Burgess · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was really excited for this book because Harwoods parenting book was 10/10 and packed with practical and insightful parenting tools. Securely Attached didn’t quite measure up for me. It functions more as a prompted journal than a comprehensive book. I think it would be more beneficial for people who haven’t already done a lot of therapy. It often felt redundant to work I’ve done with my therapist. I wish it contained more actionable strategies in conjunction with the reflective exercises, and a little less writing… The questions did inspire a few lightbulb moments, but not quite enough for five stars.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the exercises in this book. I learned a lot about myself by reflecting on my childhood. My spouse and I discussed some of the questions together relating to our emotional attachment styles and connection as well as how we��re raising our children. I will come back to this book again and again. Some of the prompts though used language that was confusing to me. Like “how does this feel to your heart and body?” - I just do better with more concrete questions.

[Keets · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. A decent primer on attachment theory that’s packaged and delivered in a very easy-to-understand and approachable way. This is a workbook - so there are lots of exercise prompts and writing sections. For those who’ve already done self-work in this area or read other books on the topic, it may feel too basic, but there are still good tips and reminders.

[Jennifer McCarthy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This a is a workbook where you write your own story. I expected to learn theory and instead learned more about myself than I realized I was carrying. I highly recommend to anyone who is curious about themselves and how their attachment patterns were molded. Thank you to Eli for putting this together!!

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Eli’s Instagram and this book didn’t disappoint. It took me a few months to work through all the journaling prompts but it was so valuable and informative. I know I’ll return to it again and again.

[Heather Barta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Source: MELcat (print)
Continuing Education

Super useful book…if you’re looking for another way to figure out why you are the way you are – especially when you’re trying to improve current relationships.

[Flyingzebras · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good guidebook

[Natasha Frerking · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of helpful information! I was looking for something slightly different, but still stuck with it because it was helpful in other ways.

[Gina Groshek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really insightful! I think I would have preferred the physical book though.

[Molly McDermott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a welcoming & super cute intro to attachment theory. It was simple but very thoughtful!

[Amira · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a good place to start. Feels rushed at the end too. It would have been nice to add research to what she was saying throughout, but especially Part 3 to support the coping skills she mentions

[Lzzy Armstrong · Rating 4 out of 5]

helpful frame for attachment. Need more activities for further development in attachment work

[Gisele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much 🥰