The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century

by Jacqueline Olds MD, Richard S. Schwartz

In today's world, it is more acceptable to be depressed than to be lonely-yet loneliness appears to be the inevitable byproduct of our frenetic contemporary lifestyle. According to the 2004 General Social Survey, one out of four Americans talked to no one about something of importance to them during the last six months. Another remarkable fact emerged from the 2000 U.S. more people are living alone today than at any point in the country's history—fully 25 percent of households consist of one person only. In this crucial look at one of America's few remaining taboo subjects—loneliness—Drs. Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz set out to understand the cultural imperatives, psychological dynamics, and physical mechanisms underlying social isolation. In The Lonely American, cutting-edge research on the physiological and cognitive effects of social exclusion and emerging work in the neurobiology of attachment uncover startling, sobering ripple effects of loneliness in areas as varied as physical health, children's emotional problems, substance abuse, and even global warming. Surprising new studies tell a grim truth about social being disconnected diminishes happiness, health, and longevity; increases aggression; and correlates with increasing rates of violent crime. Loneliness doesn't apply simply to single people, either—today's busy parents "cocoon" themselves by devoting most of their non-work hours to children, leaving little time for friends, and other forms of social contact, and unhealthily relying on the marriage to fulfill all social needs. As a core population of socially isolated individuals and families continues to balloon in size, it is more important than ever to understand the effects of a culture that idealizes busyness and self-reliance. It's time to bring loneliness—a very real and little-discussed social epidemic with frightening consequences-out into the open, and find a way to navigate the tension between freedom and connection in our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Sociology, Relationships, Science, Cultural, Friendship

241 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2009

Reviews

[M0rningstar · Rating 3 out of 5]

An even-toned book on a timely and important topic, The Lonely American advances a thoughtful thesis: our efforts at stepping back from the light-speed hubbub of our daily lives to reconnect with "what's important" might inadvertently exacerbate our disconnect.

The authors provide some good insight on the psychological, evolutionary and (very simplified) neurobiological dimensions of bond formation. They also provide a good explanation of social exclusion and its effects (such as increased aggression towards, surprisingly, both the in-group and out-group.) The sections on overparenting as a result of familial seclusion, the "parentification" of children in socially isolated small households, the pathologising of loneliness, and the dangers of substituting the psychiatric/rehabilitation network for social connections are all interesting and well put together.

Now that we've covered the good, let's talk about the bad and the curious.

The bad consists of mainly some very glaring omissions and old-fashioned assumptions. Amidst the many, many pages devoted to marriage, same-sex marriages are accorded a single sentence. People (and their households) are either single or married. There is virtually no mention of unmarried lived-in partners, romantically committed people who are still living separately (perhaps pending marriage, perhaps not), or households whose members are related but not by marriage. The authors also so generally equate living alone with social isolation, seemingly forgetting that group arrangements can be just as lonely and isolating (e.g. boarding houses, institutions.)

In some instances, the arguments are slightly self-contradictory. The book takes great pains to point out that the increasing rate of marital failures is one of the causes of worsening loneliness, the implication being that being in a healthy, lasting marriage is a good thing. It also states that modern marriages (those that don't end in divorce) generally tend to be of better quality than those of decades past, because spouses share and communicate more. Strangely, the authors then lament how nowadays couples often neglect their wider social connections due to modern romantic ideals in which spouses are supposed to be entirely devoted to each other. In contrast, a married couple in the 1950s would still be expected to dine with the neighbors every week and the husband's boss once a month, and to spend the whole Sunday at church, etc. This begs the question: if marriage is so crucial to staving off loneliness, then isn't increased time and effort poured into marriage to increase its quality a better bet than cultivating various external, but shallow, relationships? It can be debated either way.

Curiously, Alcoholics Anonymous gets several accolades for the instant
support network it provides to its participants. The authors go so far as to call it "probably the most reliable antidote to loneliness ever invented in [the USA]." Yet the fact that 12-step programs, including AA, are no more effective at reducing alcohol abuse (ostensibly their chief mission) than the mere passage of time (i.e. spontaneous remission) is not mentioned. Granted, this is a sociology text about loneliness, not substance abuse (although the two are often closely tied, as noted elsewhere in the book), but a knitting group could provide a socializing network equally readily, so why the repeated emphasis on AA?

The authors also decry our culture's increasing focus on health and exercise to the detriment of nurturing our social bonds. While there are certainly edge cases where fitness becomes a problematic obsession, to pit "regular workouts and healthy eating" against "relationships" is patently bizarre.

In the final chapter, the authors offer "some ideas about what should be done." Here, one of the highlighted solutions is religion, which "speaks directly to the discontents that arise from a socially disconnected life, and [...] offers a cure." While the authors allow that religion can be a divisive force as well, this is done almost as an afterthought, an abstraction. Discussion of religion as a potent source of isolation, a cause for social exclusion, is oddly absent. The ostracism (or worse) of people from minority faiths, the LGBTQ community, or of no religious affiliation by major religions goes completely unaddressed.

[Mehrzad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chapter 7 of the book covers loneliness in relationships / marriage. Hands down, the best chapter of the book, and without a doubt, best chapter I've ever listened to about loneliness in any book! And to be honest, the only reason I gave this one 4-stars.

[Sarah Dale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very readable and a well-informed and interesting reflection on what is happening to many people in Western societies, not just America. Loneliness is often a taboo subject but can have a profound effect on how vulnerable we are to mental (and physical) ill-health. A very important topic I think.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Will be buying this for my own library for sure. The loneliness epidemic is at the heart of everything I do.

[Oswald · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quotes I found interesting:

"gossip plays the same role for humans that grooming behavior does for other primates. It creates bonds between individuals tht go beyond the basic reproductive units of sexual partners and their offspring. It creates groups." P. 65

As group size increases, so does the size of the neocortex." P. 65

48 percent of all households on the island [of Manhattan] are one-person households. P. 79

Does time on the Internet replace other forms of social connection, or does it supplement it.. P. 98

"Music is unusual among all human activities for both its ubiquity and its antiquity. No known human culture now or anytime in the recorded past lacked music." - P. 105

"No music lover would ever take seriously the claim that a music video is the equivalent of a live performance." - P. 106

"Social isolation is a common denominator among most families in which child abuse occurs." P. 124

A person who has not seen a relationship weather the difficult times is a little more likely to panic and take flight in moments of anger, disillusionment, or estrangement. P. 131

An abundance of choices decreases rather than increases happiness. P. 138

When people have lots of choices, they worry more about making the wrong choices. That worry trumps the joyful sense of freedom. P. 138

We all need the perspective of others to know who we are. P. 164

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 3 out of 5]

I see loneliness as endemic to contemporary America. Everywhere I go, I meet the lonely.

Olds explores this issue. How did this come to occur? Why? Where? What can be done about it?

Like most books about social problems, the thinnest section of the book is home remedies. And that is the section we need most.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

For years, I felt terrible for wanting community. "Why am I not as busy as they are? Maybe I should do more things so I don't need community as much. Everyone seems so fine without communities, what is wrong? Maybe I should stop initiating get togethers" were the typical spiraling thoughts.

This book, written by a married MDs couple, though "old" (it came out in 2009) speaks directly about this feeling and why are Americans drifting further apart. Lots of research and evidence (medical, sociological, physiological, all the i-cals) that point to the pertinence of community.

Some impactful quotes:
-The busyness becomes a camouflage for hurt feelings. But as camouflage, it may work far too well, fooling everyone, including ourselves. Our friends and relations think we are too busy to see them, and new friends give up on us because we seem so unavailable.
- It is always easy to feel that we are calling others more than they are calling us because the effort of calling is so much more noticeable than the pleasure of receiving a call.
- We treat socializing as if it's a frivolous diversion from the tasks at hand rather than an activity that is essential to our well-being as individuals and as a community.
- We step back, and then, inevitably, notice that the connections among others are stronger than their connections with us We forget that it was our choice. We chose to step back, but we certainly did not expect that the others would go on happily without us.
- We found that once people have left themselves out, it is very hard to find a way back in, partly because a set of slightly paranoid feelings take over and people stop trying

Some really interesting concepts:
- The effects of living alone
- Cause and explanation of the feeling of being left out
- How individualism correlates with self-centeredness. How we have developed this feeling of "I will spend time with you if and when I want to" and how that affects our view of community
- The slippery slope of solitude activities and time spent to recharge
- Effects of loneliness on consumerism
- Community that sees you on a regular basis serves as a safety net for your mental well being.

I think this is a great book for young adults, especially those like me who grew up watching the "hero" in movies who live alone and perfected the art of self-reliance. The authors ended the book with a lovely quote from Kilpatrick: "For the traditional hero...home is where you go after the adventure. For the average hero, home is the adventure." Not that we should not spend time alone, but if we sell ourselves on the idea that our escapes enobles us, we are much less likely to find our way back. The bench [where you go to escape] is not meant to be our final destination.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you feel like the only person in the United States with no one to talk to, join the club. In this psychological-sociological look at the growing tendency to sever connections with other people, we learn that one-quarter of the households in this country are occupied by only one person and one-quarter of the population say they have not talked to anyone about anything important to them for six months or longer. Olds and Schwartz, married Boston psychiatrists, discuss the ways people step back from society, the myth of the heroic outsider, the effects of technology and social media, the ways people try to fill the gap through substance abuse, and the blurring of the lines between loneliness and mental illness. It’s a heavy read, but the book is full of important points. For example, people need other people to keep themselves from blowing problems out of proportion. The authors note that therapists may provide a much-needed person to talk to, but it will always be a one-sided relationship. One of my favorite quotes cites Virginia Woolf’s famous cry for “a room of one’s one,” then adds, “She also walked into a river with stones in her pockets.” I know the feeling. This book is an important contribution to the study of social disconnection in the U.S. and beyond.

[Natara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book has sparked so many interesting conversations with many people. Friends, co-workers, acquaintances. Loneliness is a rising epidemic that people are becoming more aware of and are willing to talk about more.

While dated as I read this in 2023/2024, the arguments and overall concept and ideas presented still stand, to a certain extent. I'd really like to read something similar, but updated, now with all the social media and technology added to society, and considering the vast effects of the pandemic and work from home.

I found parts of this book to be slightly repetitive, some parts to be a bit dry, or very technical, but overall, I really liked how the information was presented and the topics it related to loneliness.

As someone who has experienced bouts of loneliness, but who currently has a healthy and robust social network, I can attest that social isolation and exclusion is a pretty terrible experience. One that, unfortunately, a large amount of society is experiencing, on a rising basis. I hope more education and awareness help to end the stigma and get people talking!

I found this book after reading "Platonic", where this book was mentioned.

[David Burton · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century" by Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz offers an insightful exploration of the growing phenomenon of loneliness in contemporary American society. The authors, both experienced psychiatrists, delve into the psychological, social, and cultural factors contributing to this issue. Through a combination of empirical research, case studies, and theoretical analysis, Olds and Schwartz present a compelling argument about the increasing isolation experienced by many Americans and its broader implications.

Core Concepts and Arguments

1. Definition and Scope of Loneliness

Olds and Schwartz begin by defining loneliness as a subjective experience where individuals perceive a deficit in their social relationships, regardless of their actual social network size. They differentiate between loneliness and social isolation; the former pertains to feelings of inadequacy in relationships, while the latter refers to a quantifiable lack of social interactions. The book emphasizes that loneliness can occur even among those who are socially connected, highlighting the complexity of the issue.

2. Historical Context and Cultural Shifts

The authors trace the roots of loneliness to significant cultural shifts over the past few decades. They argue that traditional social structures and support systems, such as extended families and close-knit communities, have eroded in favor of more individualistic lifestyles. The rise of suburban living, increased mobility, and a greater emphasis on personal achievement have all contributed to a sense of disconnection. Olds and Schwartz suggest that these changes have weakened social bonds and increased feelings of isolation.

3. Psychological and Social Factors

A substantial portion of the book is dedicated to exploring the psychological and social factors that exacerbate loneliness. The authors discuss how modern technology, while offering new forms of communication, can sometimes exacerbate feelings of loneliness by fostering superficial connections rather than deep, meaningful relationships. They also examine the impact of work culture, noting that the pressure to prioritize career success over personal relationships can lead to isolation.

Additionally, the book addresses the role of mental health issues in loneliness. Conditions such as depression and anxiety can both contribute to and result from feelings of loneliness, creating a vicious cycle that is difficult to break. Olds and Schwartz emphasize the importance of addressing these underlying mental health issues to effectively combat loneliness.

4. Demographic Variations

Olds and Schwartz explore how loneliness affects different demographic groups in varying ways. They highlight that older adults, despite being more likely to experience physical isolation due to retirement and decreased mobility, may have a strong network of long-term relationships that can mitigate loneliness. In contrast, younger individuals, particularly those in transient phases of life such as college students or young professionals, may face loneliness due to a lack of established social networks and stable relationships.

The book also discusses the impact of loneliness on marginalized groups, including those facing socioeconomic hardships or discrimination. For these individuals, loneliness can be compounded by additional barriers to social integration and support.

5. Consequences of Loneliness

The authors detail the wide-ranging consequences of loneliness on both individual health and society at large. Loneliness is linked to a range of negative health outcomes, including cardiovascular disease, weakened immune function, and decreased life expectancy. Furthermore, loneliness can have significant social implications, contributing to reduced community engagement and increased social fragmentation.

Olds and Schwartz argue that addressing loneliness is not only a matter of improving individual well-being but also of enhancing societal cohesion. They advocate for systemic changes to foster stronger social connections and support networks, emphasizing that such efforts can have broad benefits for public health and social stability.

6. Strategies for Mitigation

The book concludes with a discussion of potential strategies to combat loneliness. Olds and Schwartz advocate for a multifaceted approach that includes:

Community Building: Creating opportunities for social interaction and community engagement, such as local events and support groups, can help strengthen social networks and reduce isolation.
Technology Use: Encouraging the use of technology in ways that promote genuine connection rather than superficial interactions. This includes using social media to maintain meaningful relationships and explore shared interests.
Mental Health Support: Providing access to mental health resources and support for individuals struggling with loneliness and related conditions. This includes therapy, counseling, and community-based support systems.
Work-Life Balance: Promoting policies that support work-life balance and allow individuals to prioritize personal relationships alongside career goals.
Conclusion

"The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century" by Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz provides a comprehensive analysis of loneliness in modern American society. The book addresses the complex interplay between social, cultural, and psychological factors contributing to loneliness and offers valuable insights into how this issue affects various demographic groups. By presenting both the consequences of loneliness and potential strategies for mitigation, Olds and Schwartz highlight the urgent need for a collective effort to address this growing problem. Their work underscores the importance of fostering stronger social connections and support systems to enhance both individual well-being and societal cohesion.

[Tabitha Gallman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book enough. It is written by two clinical professors of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. From an appropriate perspective, the doctors have shared their research on the subject of loneliness within our culture. The doctors discovered through data collected from stories of patients that a pattern was emerging concerning loneliness and the ill effect it has holistically and culturally. The book discusses so many aspects of loneliness including the stigma around it, the ripple effects isolation can cause and much more. Not only is this a very informative and interesting read for any level reader, but I think it should be a necessary tool for anyone going into any humanities studies.

[Saleh · Rating 5 out of 5]

More Relevant Today than When it Was Published. The problems Jacqueline Olds, MD identifies in this book are even more dire today. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy stated in May of 2023 that "...approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness." The solutions remain much the same since human beings don't change that much over time, though the technology around us does.

I had the opportunity to interview the author who is a neighbor and friend (https://www.angelinvestboston.com/jac...) and she points to some ways her prescriptions for fighting disconnectedness could be updated for our time. Loved the book. Knowing Jacquie, it is truly an expression of how she lives her life.

[Robert Sayre · Rating 5 out of 5]

I should acknowledge that I know the authors, both of whom are lovely people, and that initially motivated me to read this book. Honestly, though, I found it very well written and filled with useful insights regarding the benefits and consequences of social connections or a lack thereof, which is all too easy in modern society, even if you don't feel particularly lonely.

The authors are refreshingly open in exploring the virtue and ramifications of social relations as being highly advantageous and potentially preferable to psychological care, which may run counter to their own professional interests.

And of course, it's not just Americans; it's hard to find any inhabited part of the world where you didn't see lots of folks completely buried in their phones.

[Viewpoints Radio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs some alone time in their lives. Although often times alone time may be nice, research finds that too much alone time can affect our mental health. Loneliness and social isolation can have significant effects on our physical health and also increase the risk of death. Jacqueline Olds and Dr. Richard Schwartz dive in to the lasting effects of loneliness in this book. We had the opportunity to speak with Dr. Richard Schwartz, co-author of this book, to discuss loneliness and how we can improve our mental health through relationships. To listen to the full podcast, check out this link! https://radiohealthjournal.wordpress....

[James Ruley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Robert Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone” sparked a multitude of books discussing the dissolution of communal bonds in America. “The Lonely American” is one of those books. This work discusses how Americans have become lonely through a combination of busyness, individualism, and self reliance. While this book does not condemn “being alone” it critiques the idol that our culture has made of isolation, and suggests that many of our problems would be alleviated through forging stronger bonds with other. This book is highly readable and eminently timely. A call to read and to change.

[Ericka Clou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being too busy is bad, but even worse is checking out of social life. When this happens people get depressed, then use alcohol, drugs, or pharmaceuticals to deal with their depression. Therapy is better but still unideal. The authors admit this is a societal problem - both being too busy and being isolated- but then sort of vaguely suggest we just force ourselves to socialize.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clearly explained reasons why being alone as often as we choose to be in american may not be serving us and ways that we can change. I really appreciated the authors making space in the book to cover the myriad areas the "alone" trend impacts from our emotional and physical health to the impact on the planet as we become more and more of a consumer based culture.

[Crista Colvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would like to hear the authors' thoughts on the effect of marital "cocooning" on unmarried friends.

[Jamon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very surprising I enjoyed it. It was eye-opening.

[Cherri · Rating 4 out of 5]

i am so fucking lonely.

[Ibrahim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Between 1985 and 2004, the number of Americans who said they had no one to discuss important matters with tripled, reaching nearly the quarter of the population. A quarter of the population!

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book begins with the premise from Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone (a changing-my-world-view book) that people are not as connected as they used to be and that the outcomes of this are negative for society and the individual. The thesis of The Lonely American is that people drift away from social connections because of push and pull factors. The push is the frenetic and overscheduled intensity of modern life and the pull is the American ideal of the self-reliant hero that stands apart from the crowd (think Walden Pond, cowboy movies, even Washington outsider). There's a lot to think about reading this book (although it's not perfect). I was particularly persuaded by the observation that it has become somewhat socially acceptable to be depressed or even mentally ill but admitting that one is lonely is not. I was somewhat amused by the following observation about how insular we all are and how much we value our alone-time: "Virginia Woolf eloquently proclaimed the importance of "a room of one's own." She also walked into a river with stones in her pocket." Everyone should read Putnam.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is pretty depressing (but really well written and interesting!), but I read all the way through it anyway, because it confirmed a sense I have been having about modern society, and American society in particular, which is that we're just not as connected as we used to be. This book cites all sorts of studies, all sorts of personal observations, and of course all the technological innovations like the Internet, Facebook, etc., that have become so indispensible but more and more just keep us chained to our computers and out of touch with flesh-and-blood people.
The conclusion is simple: connect more, "stay limber" socially, as they put it - as with exercise, it's better to do some regularly, but if you get out of the habit, you'll just have to get through that period of stiffness while you're getting limbered up again.
But really, this was just too depressing, I think I'm going to read The Happiness Project next...

[Suzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellently presented, interesting examples given, and generally well-written, 'The Lonely American' explores the causes and effects of stepping back from our busy lives. I particularly enjoyed chapters 1, 2, 6, & 10.

Some quotes I found interesting:
"Cocooning is the couples' version of social isolation. It does increase closeness in marriages. It also increases the fragility of marriage, the burdens placed upon marriage, and, over time, it increases the likelihood of both divorce and loneliness" (p116).
"Social isolation is a common denominator among most families in which child abuse occurs" (p124).

[With Butterflies · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read. The book attempts to shed light on the social disconnection of the modern American.

At times it seems as if the authors will use anything (Netflix questionnaires?) to prove their point of view, yet most of their cites are concrete.

What bothered me most of all was the insistence that one cannot live a fulfilled life without the varied connections the authors seem to believe we need. I'm not saying we should all be our own islands of existence, but I don't think it is a dangerous trend the way the book paints it to be.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super readable. Easy to quote from. Enjoyable to read cover-to-cover (which I so rarely get to do when sermon writing). Relevant, very current (2009), Beacon Press. In several places, quietly affirms the value and importance of welcoming, open-minded, enduring religious communities. Gave me some great analysis to mull over about Facebook, online dating, all the current forms of connecting online, what they add to our lives and what they're missing.

[Roxanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about being lonely in life in the 21st century. We devote more time to technology to stay connected than any society in history, yet studies show that we feel alone anyway. People are way too busy now and have forgotten how to belong. They do not know their neighbors and do not make any real life in person friends. I find that so sad. I am glad for the people I have in my life.

[Connie D · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wise and thoughtful book about subtle changes in our lives and our communities that I had felt but not been able to identify. (Awareness of how we have stepped back from people is a key step.) The authors discuss how our culture's appreciation of solitude and independence has created various complicated problems, including but not limited to loneliness. Also very well written!

[Jason Weill · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good follow-up for anyone who enjoyed "Bowling Alone." Written in 2008, this book looks at the sociological, psychological, and physiological effects of loneliness. As the share of single-person households in the U.S. climbs, these issues have greater importance than ever. Great quick read with a mix of engaging anecdotes and acadmic data.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this indepth look at how many factors in modern America have contributed to a rise in loneliness. It definitely made me think about why I sleep with a cell phone on my nightstand and encouraged me to pick up the phone instead of sending an email.