The Man I Might Become: Gay Men Write About Their Fathers

by Bruce Shenitz (Editor), Andrew Holleran (Foreword)

Few men, straight or gay, find the father-son relationship easy, which explains why men's groups overflow with stories of fathers who ignored, brutalized, or otherwise wounded their sons. But gay men find the subject particularly When they come out to their families, they enter emotional territory their straight counterparts often avoid their entire lives. For many fathers and sons, the deepest feelings often remain unexpressed; if a son is gay, the very act of coming out virtually ensures that silence will be broken. Now, the pieces in The Man I Might Become -- by some of our finest writers, as well as notable newcomers -- depict worlds of experience that are sometimes painful, sometimes funny, and always engaging. Including contributions by Andrew Solomon, Jesse Green, Dan Savage, Stephen McCauley, Joseph Hansen, Bernard Cooper, Mark Doty, James Saslow, Jaiméanrique, and many others, this anthology will take its place as essential reading for every gay man coming to terms with his past, his family, and his own future as a man.

Genres: LGBT, Memoir, Nonfiction, Queer, Essays

320 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 5, 2002

Reviews

[Joshua Peterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Perhaps because my own relationship with my father is complicated, or perhaps I just expected something else entirely- whichever it is, I tried to like this book but was fairly unimpressed. Many of the essays were decent, but none really stuck out and there weren't any that to which I could relate very well. A handful of essays were quite touching (for example, Alexander Chee's Self Quiz), but in all honesty, the fact of the author's sexuality felt very trivial in those cases- the dynamic would have felt much the same if written by a heterosexual man. There were also a few I genuinely did not enjoy reading, such as the essay Daddy Was a Hot Number, in which the author recounts his own sexual attraction to his father, and then authoritatively states all gay boys feel the same (granted, it's a good deal more complex than that, and I'm not doing the essay full justice. Honestly, the very thought just made me squick). All in all, it is a decent read, but I hardly feel it paints a truly representative picture of the father-son experience shared by gay men- it certainly didn't for me. It did, however, at many points, make me thankful that my father was not as bad as some of the fathers portrayed here.

[Brian Kovesci · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love these collections of queer essays. I wish there were more.

[Mary Spencer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting variety of stories and styles. I enjoyed many, struggled with some, appreciated them all.

[Vincent · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a mixed bag for me because some of these writings were great, some were just fine, and than we had the Freudian ones that I just do not have time for. For me it was overall just fine

[jjmann3 · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Man I Might Become is a collection of essays written by gay men on their relationships with their fathers. The authors represent the dynamic backgrounds of age, educational attainment, ethnicity, and geography shared by gay men. Their stories disclose very intimate and compelling insights and reflections about their fathers ranging from disgust to, not shockingly, envy. For some reason, “coming out” to our dads is very hard to do -- hence several stories focus on the time when the author told their father “the news” and discuss their dad’s reaction. For those who had the chance, coming out to dad can mark the “first time experiencing [ones]self as valued for something other than … good grades and multiple accomplishments.”

Why is it so hard? "Fathers, to some extent, no matter what else they do, are supposed to initiate their sons into the male role, the realm of men, which is to say, the world.” Nevertheless, for many authors, the news wasn’t really news to their fathers. (I am blessed that both my dads -- my own and my husband’s -- accepted “the news," unlike some fathers featured in this book.)

Some quotable reflections still hit particularly close to home:

“The psychologist Walt Odets has said there's not a gay man alive who does not feel that he's let his family down.”

“It occurred to me that I was ironically dating men who bore some disturbing emotional and vaguely physical resemblance to my biological father.” (Sorry Dennis)

“My relationship to fatherhood will always be as an only son.”

To take any judgment on the fathers and sons portrayed in these stories loses the magic of trying to understand the tale -- to get to know the position of a person in a certain time. After all, the memories are all from the son’s perspective — which makes me wonder what the fathers would write if they had the chance?

Regardless, The Man I Might Become remains a testament to a segment of human experience some of us are lucky (or unfortunate) to share.

[Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful reading for any man with a father.

[JW · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enlightening true tales about the gay father/ straight son relationship, the gay father/gay son(s) relationship, and the of course the straight father/gay son relationship. Very good.