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Playing to Lose: How a Jehovah's Witness Became a Submissive BDSM Model
In this bold and intimate memoir Ariel Anderssen charts her journey from a strict religious upbringing as a Jehovah’s Witness to her current position as one of the most widely recognised BDSM performers in the world. Her route between the two includes a period as a wretchedly miserable, teenage political activist, a phase touring with a Christian theatre group, and accidentally discovering a talent for posing for art nude photography. This surprising and unconventional career path led her to a life-altering introduction to BDSM-themed erotic artwork and a whole world she never imagined existing.
This is a book about BDSM, and about sexuality, but most of all it is about one woman’s struggle for self-acceptance and the rewards that come from confronting who you are with honesty and compassion.
TRIGGER this book contains descriptions of sexual violence that some readers may find upsetting
This is a book about BDSM, and about sexuality, but most of all it is about one woman’s struggle for self-acceptance and the rewards that come from confronting who you are with honesty and compassion.
TRIGGER this book contains descriptions of sexual violence that some readers may find upsetting
- GenresNonfiction
400 pages, Paperback
Published December 3, 2024
12 people are currently reading
81 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
July 24, 2023
Ariel's beautiful and unique style of writing achieves something that I have not seen achieved in other memoirs I've read. Her unmistakable, wonderful idiosyncrasies and unique personality are woven into every sentence, and you can hear her voice with every word you read, just as though she was talking to you. I've no doubt that the audiobook will sound just as her voice did in my head as she enunciates certain words and reads passages aloud in a way that only she could. It is just so unmistakeably *Ariel* and is as though we are listening to her internal monologue.
Her story is both heartbreaking and uplifting, sad and beautifully happy, complex yet familiar, and her boundless wit, intelligence, charming sense of humour and her integrity in conjunction with her manner of writing will keep you engaged and engrossed from the very first sentence through this book of courageous and admirable honesty. I couldn't bear to put the book down at the end of each chapter such was how compelling and vivid her storytelling is, not least how Ariel seamlessly transitioned from one to the next, leaving me more eager than ever to discover what was to come. So, when I got to the end and knew that there was nothing more for me to read, it was bittersweet, because I have been so looking forward to reading this book and was sad that it was over.
The author is fluent in the language of memory, as is clear from the offset, and she uses it to tell and share her profound story in a way that is hilarious, shocking and upsetting at times, jolly and wildly happy at others, and absurd other times still. The last of these things are thanks to the action and inaction of certain individuals, some of which left me utterly dumbfounded and having to take pause while reading so I could compose myself, laugh at and try to comprehend their actions. I suspect that readers will know exactly who and what I am talking about when they read it.
Her imagination, integrity and intelligence were there from when she was only a child, and they blossomed and helped Ariel become the imaginative, virtuous and intelligent person and writer she is today. Reading about how she traversed the rocky roads of adolescence is relatable, and how things about herself that she could not change quashed how she desired to traverse that period of her life, but then how she embraced the things she had previously wanted to change and laboured to fight those desires as she got older and instead do what she sincerely and strongly believes is the right thing, is compelling.
The actions of other people in this story of her life, however, are an utter delight to read about, particularly as Ariel grew, developed and matured both as a person and as a submissive masochist finding her place in the world. There are so many people that made such a lasting and important impression on her as she found her feet, and reading about her experiences with those people and how they helped guide her along her path of discovery is heartwarming, and I will be forever grateful to those individuals for the part they played and continue to play in her extraordinary life.
The world is a complicated place and life itself is complicated, not least when you grow up in a religious cult and are kinky, and even more so when you’re both a submissive masochist and a feminist. How the author tells the story of being both those things and passionately so, while society often mistakenly suggests they are clashing identities, and, rightly, determines that they are not mutually exclusive, is inspiring, as is how she demonstrates through her journey and her words what it is, what it means and how it feels to be kinky.
Ariel’s journey is inspiring, both for kinky and non-kinky people alike, and she demonstrates that even though there was a time where it felt like an impossibility in her life, wonderful things can - and do - happen to wonderful people, sometimes through happenstance and sometimes through sheer perseverance, will and strength of character, all of which are things that readers will quickly come to understand that the author has in abundance.
Ariel has countless talents and writing is clearly one of them, so whether you're kinky or not and whether you've also escaped a religious cult or not, I am sure that you will love this book and will relate to Ariel and her experiences in a plethora of ways, and her moving perspective on life will hopefully have as positive an impact on your own perspective as it has on mine as she undoubtedly makes a tremendous, everlasting and wholly positive impact on not just her industry and community, but on the people she has met, those she hasn't, and on the world.
Her story is both heartbreaking and uplifting, sad and beautifully happy, complex yet familiar, and her boundless wit, intelligence, charming sense of humour and her integrity in conjunction with her manner of writing will keep you engaged and engrossed from the very first sentence through this book of courageous and admirable honesty. I couldn't bear to put the book down at the end of each chapter such was how compelling and vivid her storytelling is, not least how Ariel seamlessly transitioned from one to the next, leaving me more eager than ever to discover what was to come. So, when I got to the end and knew that there was nothing more for me to read, it was bittersweet, because I have been so looking forward to reading this book and was sad that it was over.
The author is fluent in the language of memory, as is clear from the offset, and she uses it to tell and share her profound story in a way that is hilarious, shocking and upsetting at times, jolly and wildly happy at others, and absurd other times still. The last of these things are thanks to the action and inaction of certain individuals, some of which left me utterly dumbfounded and having to take pause while reading so I could compose myself, laugh at and try to comprehend their actions. I suspect that readers will know exactly who and what I am talking about when they read it.
Her imagination, integrity and intelligence were there from when she was only a child, and they blossomed and helped Ariel become the imaginative, virtuous and intelligent person and writer she is today. Reading about how she traversed the rocky roads of adolescence is relatable, and how things about herself that she could not change quashed how she desired to traverse that period of her life, but then how she embraced the things she had previously wanted to change and laboured to fight those desires as she got older and instead do what she sincerely and strongly believes is the right thing, is compelling.
The actions of other people in this story of her life, however, are an utter delight to read about, particularly as Ariel grew, developed and matured both as a person and as a submissive masochist finding her place in the world. There are so many people that made such a lasting and important impression on her as she found her feet, and reading about her experiences with those people and how they helped guide her along her path of discovery is heartwarming, and I will be forever grateful to those individuals for the part they played and continue to play in her extraordinary life.
The world is a complicated place and life itself is complicated, not least when you grow up in a religious cult and are kinky, and even more so when you’re both a submissive masochist and a feminist. How the author tells the story of being both those things and passionately so, while society often mistakenly suggests they are clashing identities, and, rightly, determines that they are not mutually exclusive, is inspiring, as is how she demonstrates through her journey and her words what it is, what it means and how it feels to be kinky.
Ariel’s journey is inspiring, both for kinky and non-kinky people alike, and she demonstrates that even though there was a time where it felt like an impossibility in her life, wonderful things can - and do - happen to wonderful people, sometimes through happenstance and sometimes through sheer perseverance, will and strength of character, all of which are things that readers will quickly come to understand that the author has in abundance.
Ariel has countless talents and writing is clearly one of them, so whether you're kinky or not and whether you've also escaped a religious cult or not, I am sure that you will love this book and will relate to Ariel and her experiences in a plethora of ways, and her moving perspective on life will hopefully have as positive an impact on your own perspective as it has on mine as she undoubtedly makes a tremendous, everlasting and wholly positive impact on not just her industry and community, but on the people she has met, those she hasn't, and on the world.
July 23, 2023
A hugely entertaining read, sad funny, & serious. At times a reminder of my youth discovering damsels in distress struggling to escape an evil captor. I always wanted to be the evil captor !
August 12, 2023
Playing to Lose – Ariel Anderssen
How does a little girl who was born to a slightly unusual family, with decidedly unhealthy restrictions on normal childhood things, grow up to become one of the most successful, confident fetish models and actors?
The complete answer to this question can only be revealed by reading Anderssen's brilliantly conceived memoir, Playing to Lose. In part, she was always possessed of a rich hinterland of the imagination, disappearing into her own fantasy world while preachers thundered out hellfire and brimstone sermons at the Jehovah's Witness kingdom hall. She also had the benefit of a loving elder sister who indulged her flights of fancy and was a willing participant and co-author of the made up plays and other games to keep the girls from going crazy.
Being a Jehovah's Witness meant not celebrating Christmas, not celebrating birthdays (your own for those of your friends and classmates) and having to endure hours of abuse from members of the public who often took exception to the doorstep proselytising that is the JH’s signature modus operandi for recruiting new followers. Character forming, it most certainly was.
As a child, Ariel knew she was different and suffered more than her fair share of hostility on account of her religion, her height and knowing that she didn't fit in - even school assemblies were denied her.
But there was something else that she knew singled her out, yet didn't dare confront until, aged sixteen, she tried to practice self flagellation, having watched the film, “The Nun's Story”, starring Audrey Hepburn. Instead of feeling cleansed and remorseful, she suddenly realised that the pain was arousing in a way that she could not quite believe or explain.
Suddenly, memories of Captain Hook and storylines about damsels in distress started to take on a new significance – but it would be several years before she found the key to the magic box that took her on a journey of self discovery and, ultimately, fulfilment.
Anderssen writes with great wit and confidence about episodes in her life which most of us would rather consign to the darker recesses of the mind. She is a consummate performer, a ballet dancer and gymnast manquée, whose injured back forced her to turn in other directions to seek artistic expression.
Drama school and a new relationship with a handsome fellow actor brought her out of adolescence and into the adult world. Her stage name of Ariel is thanks to the character of the same name from “The Tempest”, a part she took on with relish since Ariel was Prospero’s slave! Her real name, as she informs readers from the outset, is Joceline.
An avowed feminist, she was resolutely virginal and a campaigner against pornography even though, by her own admission, she had never actually seen any.
What then led her to the realisation that she was a submissive masochist – someone who enjoyed ceding control to others and allowing herself to be spanked, flogged, whipped and even caned?
An acquaintance took her to an exhibition underneath Waterloo station: the exhibits consisted of figures in various bondage and submissive poses. "Seeing it felt like an electric shock," she writes. "It was like a mirror, reflecting the inside of my mind back at me.”
The works were by the renowned fetish photographer, China Hamilton. Not only was she viewing his work, she was immediately introduced to him; within a few moments, an invitation to model for him the following week elicited an emphatic ‘yes’.
This is a memoir full of wonder and excitement: Anderssen for example was taken aback when Hamilton described her quite matter-of-factly as ‘a rare and special creature… a true submissive masochist".
Having entered this looking glass world of which she had been hitherto blissfully unaware, Anderssen decided she should model for another respected fetish photographer and webmaster, Hywel Phillips. He though didn't think she was initially right for his particular niche market; undaunted, she set about trying to persuade him to work with her. A friendship developed; he always treated her with the utmost respect, and he was eventually to become her husband. A gentle bear of a man, he had been a physicist who had turned his sideline in BDSM photography into a successful career.
I have been an admirer of Ariel's work for several years and a keen follower of her Twitter feed: she skips along through life with great humour and issues an occasional admonishment to particularly stupid people (usually men), especially misogynists.
Not all modelling assignments or acting jobs in the fetish genre would be presided over by respectful professionals like Phillips and Hamilton. Occasionally things went horribly wrong and she has some strong words of advice for her younger self and performers who will surely follow in her footsteps.
A relationship with the actor with whom she cohabitated also went seriously awry: not only does he rape her, but he ends up being a sex worker, passing on an STI to her.
To relate such incidents she sometimes steps out of the narrator's chair, walks to the front of the stage and addresses readers about something that is about to occur or that's coming up in the next chapter.
When writing about her ex-boyfriend, for example, she almost apologetically says, ‘I'm going to have to write something very unpleasant about this person so let's get it over with’. In other words let's rip off the plaster, grimace briefly and move on.
Anderssen and Phillips eventually moved to their current home in mid-Wales and managed, quite by chance, to buy a house with its own dungeon! From there they pursue their twin track careers – sometimes working together while at other times Ariel is travelling the world, modelling for the best fetish photographers and videographers, some of whom push her to her limits and a little beyond.
What emerges from this beautifully recounted story is the ease with which she now talks about her predilections and her desire to create for and entertain her many fans. She has even managed to adopt a dominant persona when self-shooting content for her video channels, as long as the submissive is an imaginary viewer.
She is one of the most well-balanced individuals I have ever come across: she is open and honest, even with her Christian sister and her brother-in-law who is a vicar, about her choice of career and lifestyle. Her niece and nephew are also in on the open family secret, as are her parents and in-laws.
She has an ability to demystify, destigmatise and normalise the fact that her tastes and desires deviate from what most consider to be the norm. This will come as a breath of fresh air anyone who has had to suppress an important aspect of themselves in order to avoid ridicule and exclusion.
If you’re thinking of buying this book for titillation, you’ll be disappointed. I do, though, expect this book to bring forth a number of #MeToo type revelations from closet dominants and submissives who will look upon Ariel as the inspiration that she truly is.
If you're in any doubt I highly recommend her YouTube channel (https://youtube.com/@ArielsTwilightYears), including an interview with her family in which she discusses who and what she is with no embarrassment or inhibition.
The explanation for the title is in Anderssen's unique approach to her work based on her profoundly submissive instincts:
"in almost every scene I do, either at work or in private, I want to have done my best to try to win the game, and to play it to the best of my ability. But I want, ultimately, to lose. I'm playing to lose, but giving every appearance of wanting to win.”
How does a little girl who was born to a slightly unusual family, with decidedly unhealthy restrictions on normal childhood things, grow up to become one of the most successful, confident fetish models and actors?
The complete answer to this question can only be revealed by reading Anderssen's brilliantly conceived memoir, Playing to Lose. In part, she was always possessed of a rich hinterland of the imagination, disappearing into her own fantasy world while preachers thundered out hellfire and brimstone sermons at the Jehovah's Witness kingdom hall. She also had the benefit of a loving elder sister who indulged her flights of fancy and was a willing participant and co-author of the made up plays and other games to keep the girls from going crazy.
Being a Jehovah's Witness meant not celebrating Christmas, not celebrating birthdays (your own for those of your friends and classmates) and having to endure hours of abuse from members of the public who often took exception to the doorstep proselytising that is the JH’s signature modus operandi for recruiting new followers. Character forming, it most certainly was.
As a child, Ariel knew she was different and suffered more than her fair share of hostility on account of her religion, her height and knowing that she didn't fit in - even school assemblies were denied her.
But there was something else that she knew singled her out, yet didn't dare confront until, aged sixteen, she tried to practice self flagellation, having watched the film, “The Nun's Story”, starring Audrey Hepburn. Instead of feeling cleansed and remorseful, she suddenly realised that the pain was arousing in a way that she could not quite believe or explain.
Suddenly, memories of Captain Hook and storylines about damsels in distress started to take on a new significance – but it would be several years before she found the key to the magic box that took her on a journey of self discovery and, ultimately, fulfilment.
Anderssen writes with great wit and confidence about episodes in her life which most of us would rather consign to the darker recesses of the mind. She is a consummate performer, a ballet dancer and gymnast manquée, whose injured back forced her to turn in other directions to seek artistic expression.
Drama school and a new relationship with a handsome fellow actor brought her out of adolescence and into the adult world. Her stage name of Ariel is thanks to the character of the same name from “The Tempest”, a part she took on with relish since Ariel was Prospero’s slave! Her real name, as she informs readers from the outset, is Joceline.
An avowed feminist, she was resolutely virginal and a campaigner against pornography even though, by her own admission, she had never actually seen any.
What then led her to the realisation that she was a submissive masochist – someone who enjoyed ceding control to others and allowing herself to be spanked, flogged, whipped and even caned?
An acquaintance took her to an exhibition underneath Waterloo station: the exhibits consisted of figures in various bondage and submissive poses. "Seeing it felt like an electric shock," she writes. "It was like a mirror, reflecting the inside of my mind back at me.”
The works were by the renowned fetish photographer, China Hamilton. Not only was she viewing his work, she was immediately introduced to him; within a few moments, an invitation to model for him the following week elicited an emphatic ‘yes’.
This is a memoir full of wonder and excitement: Anderssen for example was taken aback when Hamilton described her quite matter-of-factly as ‘a rare and special creature… a true submissive masochist".
Having entered this looking glass world of which she had been hitherto blissfully unaware, Anderssen decided she should model for another respected fetish photographer and webmaster, Hywel Phillips. He though didn't think she was initially right for his particular niche market; undaunted, she set about trying to persuade him to work with her. A friendship developed; he always treated her with the utmost respect, and he was eventually to become her husband. A gentle bear of a man, he had been a physicist who had turned his sideline in BDSM photography into a successful career.
I have been an admirer of Ariel's work for several years and a keen follower of her Twitter feed: she skips along through life with great humour and issues an occasional admonishment to particularly stupid people (usually men), especially misogynists.
Not all modelling assignments or acting jobs in the fetish genre would be presided over by respectful professionals like Phillips and Hamilton. Occasionally things went horribly wrong and she has some strong words of advice for her younger self and performers who will surely follow in her footsteps.
A relationship with the actor with whom she cohabitated also went seriously awry: not only does he rape her, but he ends up being a sex worker, passing on an STI to her.
To relate such incidents she sometimes steps out of the narrator's chair, walks to the front of the stage and addresses readers about something that is about to occur or that's coming up in the next chapter.
When writing about her ex-boyfriend, for example, she almost apologetically says, ‘I'm going to have to write something very unpleasant about this person so let's get it over with’. In other words let's rip off the plaster, grimace briefly and move on.
Anderssen and Phillips eventually moved to their current home in mid-Wales and managed, quite by chance, to buy a house with its own dungeon! From there they pursue their twin track careers – sometimes working together while at other times Ariel is travelling the world, modelling for the best fetish photographers and videographers, some of whom push her to her limits and a little beyond.
What emerges from this beautifully recounted story is the ease with which she now talks about her predilections and her desire to create for and entertain her many fans. She has even managed to adopt a dominant persona when self-shooting content for her video channels, as long as the submissive is an imaginary viewer.
She is one of the most well-balanced individuals I have ever come across: she is open and honest, even with her Christian sister and her brother-in-law who is a vicar, about her choice of career and lifestyle. Her niece and nephew are also in on the open family secret, as are her parents and in-laws.
She has an ability to demystify, destigmatise and normalise the fact that her tastes and desires deviate from what most consider to be the norm. This will come as a breath of fresh air anyone who has had to suppress an important aspect of themselves in order to avoid ridicule and exclusion.
If you’re thinking of buying this book for titillation, you’ll be disappointed. I do, though, expect this book to bring forth a number of #MeToo type revelations from closet dominants and submissives who will look upon Ariel as the inspiration that she truly is.
If you're in any doubt I highly recommend her YouTube channel (https://youtube.com/@ArielsTwilightYears), including an interview with her family in which she discusses who and what she is with no embarrassment or inhibition.
The explanation for the title is in Anderssen's unique approach to her work based on her profoundly submissive instincts:
"in almost every scene I do, either at work or in private, I want to have done my best to try to win the game, and to play it to the best of my ability. But I want, ultimately, to lose. I'm playing to lose, but giving every appearance of wanting to win.”
January 5, 2025
This book gives an open-minded person a lot to consider, from the nature of submission/dominance to what feminism is to what the code of responsibility is in BDSM photography and film. It made me think a lot about my own religious upbringing and how it impacted my feelings about sex.
August 19, 2023
Anyone who has read anything by Ariel Anderssen would expect her book to be funny, sexy, and entertaining, and it is. She has a unique story and she tells it well. It's a great read, and one that you won't be able to put down.
However, her memoir is more than that. It's a deeply personal work that has something to say about the importance of self-acceptance. Playing to Lose is a book about coming to terms with who you are, and, at least for me, it caused me to reexamine my own attitudes toward myself.
Regardless of your background, this book has something to offer, and regardless of whether you're looking for a fun and interesting book or something more, Playing to Lose is for you. Highly recommended.
However, her memoir is more than that. It's a deeply personal work that has something to say about the importance of self-acceptance. Playing to Lose is a book about coming to terms with who you are, and, at least for me, it caused me to reexamine my own attitudes toward myself.
Regardless of your background, this book has something to offer, and regardless of whether you're looking for a fun and interesting book or something more, Playing to Lose is for you. Highly recommended.
August 30, 2023
An honest, funny and charming memoir! I've followed Ariel on Twitter for years now, and her story is inspirational for every weird lonely kid who grew up thinking they were a freak because of some part of themselves they felt they had to hide.
July 29, 2023
Ariel's beautifully written memoir, "Playing To Lose", is a fascinating tale of growing up kinky, while living under the strict precepts of the Jehovah's Witnesses, and the joyful journey of discovery and liberation that follows.
The precocious young Ariel and her sister, denied TV or popular music, must learn to make their own entertainment. Stories and games woven from their fertile imaginations, a skill that still stands them both in good stead to this day.
However Ariel harbours a secret; desires of restraint, and punishment, and a certainty that she must be a deviant. It is quite distressing to imagine the loneliness and despair this caused.
But Ariel endures. The kinkiness remains, and after drama school, and acting work, she stumbles into modelling. From there, a whole new kinky world is revealed, along with the uplifting realisation that she is not alone, that she truly belongs. There is much bondage, and a LOT of spanking, and hurrah for that. It was rather overdue, after all! Many fine new friends are met along the way, the occasional villain, and a true soulmate in future husband Hywel.
Now Ariel is happy, successful, and fulfilled. A fine vantage point to look back and survey her journey. Who doesn't love a happy ending?
This is a delightful and hopeful book, told with warmth, humour, and above all honesty. More please Madam!
The precocious young Ariel and her sister, denied TV or popular music, must learn to make their own entertainment. Stories and games woven from their fertile imaginations, a skill that still stands them both in good stead to this day.
However Ariel harbours a secret; desires of restraint, and punishment, and a certainty that she must be a deviant. It is quite distressing to imagine the loneliness and despair this caused.
But Ariel endures. The kinkiness remains, and after drama school, and acting work, she stumbles into modelling. From there, a whole new kinky world is revealed, along with the uplifting realisation that she is not alone, that she truly belongs. There is much bondage, and a LOT of spanking, and hurrah for that. It was rather overdue, after all! Many fine new friends are met along the way, the occasional villain, and a true soulmate in future husband Hywel.
Now Ariel is happy, successful, and fulfilled. A fine vantage point to look back and survey her journey. Who doesn't love a happy ending?
This is a delightful and hopeful book, told with warmth, humour, and above all honesty. More please Madam!
July 30, 2023
Playing to Lose is an emotional rollercoaster with enough Mood Whiplash to probably give you actual whiplash. Ariel's writing style is so natural that it feels like she is there, beside you, telling you her story. You feel her emotions as she describes them from the highs to the lows, from the joys to the sorrows and everything in-between. You will laugh, cry, feel angry through the books and sometimes even in the same chapter.
Her descriptions are so vivid, you can almost imagine yourself with her through her whole journey from curious child to the wonderful woman she is today. This is a great, real story which sometimes it is hard to imagine that anyone actual lived through it and this is just a work of fiction, but Ariel did.
I eagerly look forward to her next book which I hope there will be many of.
Her descriptions are so vivid, you can almost imagine yourself with her through her whole journey from curious child to the wonderful woman she is today. This is a great, real story which sometimes it is hard to imagine that anyone actual lived through it and this is just a work of fiction, but Ariel did.
I eagerly look forward to her next book which I hope there will be many of.
July 31, 2023
This is the most honest and revealing autobiography that I have ever read. It has humour and pathos in equal measure and is written in her distinctive voice by an author with an impressive memory for detail. A rollercoaster of a ride that is stranger than fiction with many twists and turns on the way
July 23, 2023
I've just read Playing to Lose, the memoir by Ariel Anderssen and it was amazing. I've known Ariel a bit for several years but truthfully, I wasn't sure what to expect, having read both good and bad books from people I've known in the past, and I realized 2 things immediately.
1. She has a lovely, lyrical way with words, and
2. She has a memory that goes past last Tuesday, unlike my own which is something like a goldfish, (If I were to write a memoir, it would go "I was born in 1964 and yesterday I ate a donut, The End")
The really delightful and unexpected element of her writing is humor. She is incredibly funny, often Laugh Out Loud funny. Her way of describing people and events often use clever and vivid wordplay that people writing comedy for TV could learn from.
But there is also an important theme underpinning it all. Acceptance, for those of us who have feelings of shame or guilt due to our own fetishes or interests in anyway outside the "mainstream", and who live in fear of being discovered to be "deviant" in some way, that we should accept ourselves as we are and absolve ourselves of these feelings imposed from outside by a hypocritical society, that has no problem using sex and violence every day to sell everything from movies to dish soap, but can't wait to ostracize and threaten anyone not cleaving to their own narrow set of self imposed "morals"....And a hopeful acceptance by the people around us to not be judged by them, and have them accept us as we are. To be fortunate enough to find those people who are like us and share those same feelings, or are at least compassionate enough to care for us in spite of these things.
Her description of her growing awareness that there were other people in the world who shared her interests, passions, and desires mirrors my own discovery of the same,. in many ways. It's disconcerting to grow up feeling shame for your own thoughts, and thinking you are somehow faulty. When you suddenly realize that you're not alone, it's incredibly liberating, and I sincerely hope that those out there still feeling that guilt are able to see and read this book.
The chapter when she begins modeling and finds liberation and freedom there unexpectedly is moving and uplifting. As a photographer sometimes shoots the kinds of photos she models for, it's my dream to meet models like her. People who are aware of who they are, and what they love and can express it openly, willingly, happily and without reservation.
And finally, as someone who has heard Ariel speak many times, I was able to read her words using her voice, and that added a lovely dimension to the experience. I truly hope an audiobook version with herself reading it will be available.
The book is terrific. The writing is astoundingly good and often hysterically funny. I worry that people outside of BDSM won't buy it, and that would be a shame because it's themes go beyond that world. It's about loving oneself and loving others unconditionally, in the end.
1. She has a lovely, lyrical way with words, and
2. She has a memory that goes past last Tuesday, unlike my own which is something like a goldfish, (If I were to write a memoir, it would go "I was born in 1964 and yesterday I ate a donut, The End")
The really delightful and unexpected element of her writing is humor. She is incredibly funny, often Laugh Out Loud funny. Her way of describing people and events often use clever and vivid wordplay that people writing comedy for TV could learn from.
But there is also an important theme underpinning it all. Acceptance, for those of us who have feelings of shame or guilt due to our own fetishes or interests in anyway outside the "mainstream", and who live in fear of being discovered to be "deviant" in some way, that we should accept ourselves as we are and absolve ourselves of these feelings imposed from outside by a hypocritical society, that has no problem using sex and violence every day to sell everything from movies to dish soap, but can't wait to ostracize and threaten anyone not cleaving to their own narrow set of self imposed "morals"....And a hopeful acceptance by the people around us to not be judged by them, and have them accept us as we are. To be fortunate enough to find those people who are like us and share those same feelings, or are at least compassionate enough to care for us in spite of these things.
Her description of her growing awareness that there were other people in the world who shared her interests, passions, and desires mirrors my own discovery of the same,. in many ways. It's disconcerting to grow up feeling shame for your own thoughts, and thinking you are somehow faulty. When you suddenly realize that you're not alone, it's incredibly liberating, and I sincerely hope that those out there still feeling that guilt are able to see and read this book.
The chapter when she begins modeling and finds liberation and freedom there unexpectedly is moving and uplifting. As a photographer sometimes shoots the kinds of photos she models for, it's my dream to meet models like her. People who are aware of who they are, and what they love and can express it openly, willingly, happily and without reservation.
And finally, as someone who has heard Ariel speak many times, I was able to read her words using her voice, and that added a lovely dimension to the experience. I truly hope an audiobook version with herself reading it will be available.
The book is terrific. The writing is astoundingly good and often hysterically funny. I worry that people outside of BDSM won't buy it, and that would be a shame because it's themes go beyond that world. It's about loving oneself and loving others unconditionally, in the end.
February 21, 2024
More reviews (and no fluff) on the blog http://surrealtalvi.wordpress.com/
This is surprisingly well written and meant more as a "this is just the way I am and what makes me happy" then as a tell-all sensational or lurid piece. The author is frank, has nice musings, and certainly does not glamorize the topic.The book is chronological with the author spending a lot of time on events that she felt were demonstrating an innate need that the BDSM would eventually fulfill. There's not a lot of sex here and those looking for a sexy book won't find it. Instead, the focus is fully on the bondage aspects and the path taken to where she is today. In many ways, this felt like reading an LGBTQ memoir in that it emphasizes nothing 'turned' her into a submissive and that it is just the way she has always been.
The biography is very well written. Informative, thought provoking, but in a style that is friendly, sometimes self effacing, and even witty. At times, it does try too hard to 'congratulate' or give a nod to all those who she met in the industry/friends who helped her pursue BDSM. It does get a bit old, especially at the end, to have to read what amounts to a very long 'award acceptance speech' thanking everyone and their dog. But that was the only real nitpick I had about the book.
The whole topic could be sensationalistic in the wrong hands. And while the author likely edited out more unfortunate episodes or the darker side of that aspect of the underground/fetish world and industry, there are some cautionary tales in there. It is admittedly hard to image wanting to be caned enough to where your backside turns black and bleeds. But I respect it is her choice to make. I leave it to others to make psychological assessments of male domination and if this feeds into it. In the very least, this aspect of fetishism is not glorified by yet another groomed and deluded abused woman. Reviewed from an advance reader copy provided by the publisher.
August 31, 2023
I don't normally read memoirs, and I'm not into BDSM. But I enjoyed the hell out of this book.
Ariel writes in a lively, conversational, vulnerable and often utterly hilarious style. I cried, I laughed out loud, and my browser history has also gotten quite interesting as I looked up different people and concepts from the book. It was quite eye-opening!
Most of the practices mentioned aren't my thing, but that doesn't matter one bit, because the heart of this book is about coming into your own and finding community. In fact, it's the mark of an excellent storyteller to be able to guide you through a strange world that isn't yours and keep you feeling safe and engaged all the while.
Ariel managed to overcome truly vast amounts of shame and found her family among BDSM folk who seem absolutely lovely. I'm glad they're out there modeling true consent and sexual playfulness for society as a whole. And I'm glad Ariel is modeling being open about your sexuality which, as a woman, still (sadly) requires a lot of courage. There are so many quotable, empowering lines in this book. Here's just one example for you:
"I cannot see how trying to censor any woman's sexual expression can possibly be good for us. None of us can choose our sexual identities, or who and what we love. The best we can do is to confront these desires honestly, and respect ourselves and others when we engage with them."
"Playing to Lose" has definitely raised my confidence in living my own life (and my sexuality) the way I want to. I could have read an entire trilogy by Ariel, and I'll be following her for as long as she keeps creating content. Thank you, Ariel, for your big heart and open spirit.
Ariel writes in a lively, conversational, vulnerable and often utterly hilarious style. I cried, I laughed out loud, and my browser history has also gotten quite interesting as I looked up different people and concepts from the book. It was quite eye-opening!
Most of the practices mentioned aren't my thing, but that doesn't matter one bit, because the heart of this book is about coming into your own and finding community. In fact, it's the mark of an excellent storyteller to be able to guide you through a strange world that isn't yours and keep you feeling safe and engaged all the while.
Ariel managed to overcome truly vast amounts of shame and found her family among BDSM folk who seem absolutely lovely. I'm glad they're out there modeling true consent and sexual playfulness for society as a whole. And I'm glad Ariel is modeling being open about your sexuality which, as a woman, still (sadly) requires a lot of courage. There are so many quotable, empowering lines in this book. Here's just one example for you:
"I cannot see how trying to censor any woman's sexual expression can possibly be good for us. None of us can choose our sexual identities, or who and what we love. The best we can do is to confront these desires honestly, and respect ourselves and others when we engage with them."
"Playing to Lose" has definitely raised my confidence in living my own life (and my sexuality) the way I want to. I could have read an entire trilogy by Ariel, and I'll be following her for as long as she keeps creating content. Thank you, Ariel, for your big heart and open spirit.
July 24, 2023
'Playing to Lose' by Ariel Andersen reviewed by Stephen English.
Honest, open, transparent, and deeply sincere in her desire to convey a positive message about accepting one's sexuality, these lie at the heart of this beautiful auto biography. Ariel takes us on a magical but often troubling journey from the repressive claustrophobic controlling world of religious fundamentalism, to joyous liberation and fulfilment.
Along the way we travel through dark tunnels of despair and self loathing, so moving that it brought tears to my eyes, but there are silver linings a plenty aided by her wit and wry sense of humour. It is in part a story of triumph in the face of adversity, but even more about her own internal battles which she bravely faced. It is also a heartwarming story of 'the kindness of strangers' who helped her on her journey. She may have played to lose but Ariel is a winner.
Honest, open, transparent, and deeply sincere in her desire to convey a positive message about accepting one's sexuality, these lie at the heart of this beautiful auto biography. Ariel takes us on a magical but often troubling journey from the repressive claustrophobic controlling world of religious fundamentalism, to joyous liberation and fulfilment.
Along the way we travel through dark tunnels of despair and self loathing, so moving that it brought tears to my eyes, but there are silver linings a plenty aided by her wit and wry sense of humour. It is in part a story of triumph in the face of adversity, but even more about her own internal battles which she bravely faced. It is also a heartwarming story of 'the kindness of strangers' who helped her on her journey. She may have played to lose but Ariel is a winner.
August 1, 2023
I finished the ebook version of Playing to Lose in one sitting, finding it impossible to put down. Ariel's authorial voice is so perfectly hers that reading the book made me feel as though she was telling me her story in a conversation over a cream-tea in some fancy cafe.
The story she tells is enthralling and detailed and the reader very quickly starts to share her experiences through her words as she turns her analytical mind onto every aspect of her life growing up in a restrictive religious cult and moving into adulthood and discovering herself in a thousand different ways. You share her experiences, and meet the remarkable characters she's encountered in her career which are drawn so perfectly as to make you feel you know them yourself (the good, the bad, and the dreadful).
If you don't know Ariel already you should rectify that, and this book is the ideal way to do it.
The story she tells is enthralling and detailed and the reader very quickly starts to share her experiences through her words as she turns her analytical mind onto every aspect of her life growing up in a restrictive religious cult and moving into adulthood and discovering herself in a thousand different ways. You share her experiences, and meet the remarkable characters she's encountered in her career which are drawn so perfectly as to make you feel you know them yourself (the good, the bad, and the dreadful).
If you don't know Ariel already you should rectify that, and this book is the ideal way to do it.
August 28, 2023
From cultist to kinkster is not the most common life story there is. Though I suppose a psychologist might find something in the shift from mental restraints to physical ones, who knows. But, regardless this is a fascinating life story (life story so far that is) that doesn't sugar-coat the bad things that have happened to her though it tries to keep upbeat. This is far from misery porn.
Ariel's writing style is very much like she's telling us these stories over tea and cake in a tearoom of a National Trust holdings (probably scandalising the eavesdropping ladies at the next table). It's very much like catching up with an old friend who's a lot to tell us.
Over all this is very interesting look into one person's unusual life and a glimpse into the world of kink in general. By it's nature this book isn't for everyone, but it's very good never-the-less.
Ariel's writing style is very much like she's telling us these stories over tea and cake in a tearoom of a National Trust holdings (probably scandalising the eavesdropping ladies at the next table). It's very much like catching up with an old friend who's a lot to tell us.
Over all this is very interesting look into one person's unusual life and a glimpse into the world of kink in general. By it's nature this book isn't for everyone, but it's very good never-the-less.
August 30, 2023
An exceptional autobiography told by a very courageous woman.
I was led to Ariel by a Guardian article. This book tells you about the courage to explore and talk about your own thoughts and to put them into practice. and is told in a way that only women seem to be able to manage. (I am a man.) As a person who has a low pain threshold and doesn’t like to hurt any living thing BDSM fascinates me but does not attract me to participate or watch. Nevertheless following the life journey of this courageous person who perhaps undervalues the plethora of thoughts and self exploration that this book engenders in the reader, is a real eye opener. All I can say really is thank you for writing the book.
I was led to Ariel by a Guardian article. This book tells you about the courage to explore and talk about your own thoughts and to put them into practice. and is told in a way that only women seem to be able to manage. (I am a man.) As a person who has a low pain threshold and doesn’t like to hurt any living thing BDSM fascinates me but does not attract me to participate or watch. Nevertheless following the life journey of this courageous person who perhaps undervalues the plethora of thoughts and self exploration that this book engenders in the reader, is a real eye opener. All I can say really is thank you for writing the book.
November 17, 2025
I found the first half of the book fascinating as it explored the author's seemingly unlikely path from religious conservatism to being a popular BDSM model and porn actress/producer. She's thoughtful, honest and open about her upbringing—and her story of how she changed and grew into the person she felt she was meant to be is compelling.
But by the middle of the book, that story is mostly complete and the remainder of the text didn't really add much to it, focusing instead on lots of BDSM experiences with various directors and romantic partners and her feelings about both. I found those sections a bit repetitive and less interesting than her overarching personal journey, but still, I did appreciate how much she cares for her community as well as her authenticity and sincerity.
But by the middle of the book, that story is mostly complete and the remainder of the text didn't really add much to it, focusing instead on lots of BDSM experiences with various directors and romantic partners and her feelings about both. I found those sections a bit repetitive and less interesting than her overarching personal journey, but still, I did appreciate how much she cares for her community as well as her authenticity and sincerity.
September 5, 2023
As someone who isn't into tying people up and spanking them, I still really enjoyed this memoir.
I appreciated how she debunked the idea that her sexuality has roots in any kind of trauma, patriarchal or otherwise. Navigating her desires was so fraught as a young adult, it definitely has a "coming out" vibe.
The book is very specific about some BDSM practices but avoids being pornographic except for maybe a couple chapters which are clearly introduced as such in case you want to skip them.
I recommend this book perhaps especially if you aren't into BDSM, as a view of one person's experience of that world.
I appreciated how she debunked the idea that her sexuality has roots in any kind of trauma, patriarchal or otherwise. Navigating her desires was so fraught as a young adult, it definitely has a "coming out" vibe.
The book is very specific about some BDSM practices but avoids being pornographic except for maybe a couple chapters which are clearly introduced as such in case you want to skip them.
I recommend this book perhaps especially if you aren't into BDSM, as a view of one person's experience of that world.
October 31, 2023
Incredible read, could not put it down!
I throughly enjoyed reading every bit of this.
It’s wickedly entertaining and Ariel is incredible articulate, honest, funny and very kinky. The parts that are sad and traumatic are described with such grace, kindness and understanding that she has my ultimate admiration for her character.
Her life is so interesting to learn about and the way she writes makes it more so.
She clearly has a gift for writing and I think she would make an exceptional erotic fiction author too. I hope the success of this book empowers her to write more and indulge us with her incredible imaginative mind.
Highly recommended
I throughly enjoyed reading every bit of this.
It’s wickedly entertaining and Ariel is incredible articulate, honest, funny and very kinky. The parts that are sad and traumatic are described with such grace, kindness and understanding that she has my ultimate admiration for her character.
Her life is so interesting to learn about and the way she writes makes it more so.
She clearly has a gift for writing and I think she would make an exceptional erotic fiction author too. I hope the success of this book empowers her to write more and indulge us with her incredible imaginative mind.
Highly recommended
July 28, 2023
Ariel Anderssen has an amazing way with words that I don't so I'll keep this short and simple. Playing to Lose was a joy to read and so well written. I found it witty, intriguing, enlightening and many other wonderful and fitting words you could find in a thesaurus. I finished this book in six days, which was a surprise to me as I'm not the fastest reader around. I found this book very hard to put down. And I'm very glad I read it.
P.S.- Hi Gareth!
P.S.- Hi Gareth!
November 18, 2024
Absolutely loved this. Ariel is so funny and sweet. She explores deep topics, but in a way that's very approachable, and her story is one of the most unique I've come across. She also gives a great cultural and feminist perspective on BDSM and addresses so many of the misconceptions out there, as well as discussion on consent, gender dynamics and normalization of alternative lifestyles. Loved this one - can't recommend it enough!
June 27, 2024
Wunderbares Buch.
Ich habe es als Hörbuch, von der Autorin gelesen, angehört.
Eine sehr spannende Lebensgeschichte.
Mir haben all die Erlebnisse und Erfahrungen, da diese doch sehr ungewöhnlich sind.
Aber Achtung, wie schon im Titel gesagt, es geht hier um BDSM und alles wird sehr detailiert beschrieben.
Ich habe es als Hörbuch, von der Autorin gelesen, angehört.
Eine sehr spannende Lebensgeschichte.
Mir haben all die Erlebnisse und Erfahrungen, da diese doch sehr ungewöhnlich sind.
Aber Achtung, wie schon im Titel gesagt, es geht hier um BDSM und alles wird sehr detailiert beschrieben.
August 29, 2023
Utterly charming, highly readable, always entertaining; funny, surprising, and delightful. Also, required reading for anyone who thinks themselves a deviant, freak, or outcast because of sexual difference. A big-hearted book altogether.
August 7, 2024
Unexpectedly moving account of how Ariel overcame a repressive background in order to become a much sought-after model.
September 11, 2024
392 pages -3.5/4 out of 5
September 20, 2023
An interesting read, written very clearly and factually.
February 3, 2024
I really enjoyed this, and wish there were more authors like Ariel Andersson who were willing to put themselves out there and write about sexuality so openly. This memoir was personal, heartfelt, and offered an interesting glimpse into the porn industry. It was fascinating to see Andersson's journey to sex positivity after the religious trauma of her upbringing as well.
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