The Angry Book

by Theodore Isaac Rubin

Don't get even -- get mad, and get over it!
When your love life is boring, maybe you don't fight enough? When sex leaves a person cold, is frozen anger the problem? If you work too much, eat too much, drink too much, is it because you are afraid to get mad? Did you ever think of your anger as something constructive?
When you lose your temper honestly, it can be good for you. In this perennially bestselling book, eminent psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin shows how one of the most powerful human emotions can change your life. Suppressed or twisted anger can lead to anxiety, depression, insomnia, psychosomatic illness, alcoholism, frigidity, impotence, and downright misery. But understanding and releasing anger can lead to greater health, happiness, and emotional wholeness.
Let Dr. Rubin show you how to be what you are: a human being.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help

216 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1969

About the author

Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D., has served as president of the American Institute of Psychoanalysis and is the author of thirty books, including The Angry Book, Lisa and David, Jordi, The Winner's Notebook, and Lisa and David Today. His books have been translated all over the world. He lives and practices psychiatry in New York City.

Reviews

[Vichta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Polski tytuł: Księga Gniewu
Hmmm... Książka nie zrobiła na mnie większego wrażenia, ale faktem jest, że została napisana ponad pół wieku temu, a od tamtej pory wiele się w psychologii zmieniło. Autor wydaje się być lekarzem jednej diagnozy i jednej terapii. Wszelkie problemy w kontaktach międzyludzkich sprowadza do tego, że ukrywamy swój gniew, a ten wychodzi z nas pod innymi postaciami, np. depresji, obżarstwa, fobii, obsesji, sabotażu, autoagresji, gadulstwa, przymilności i innych.
Swego czasu czytałam książkę Lilian Glass o toksycznych ludziach, która wszelkie toksyczne zachowania tłumaczyła zazdrością. O ile nie kwestionuję tego, że gniew czy zazdrość mogą się przejawiać w przykrych i niekontrolowanych zachowaniach, o tyle nie zgodzę się z twierdzeniem, że są to jedyne lub pierwotne emocje. Jeśli spojrzymy choćby na tabelę Hawkinsa, to zobaczymy, że destrukcyjnych emocji jest o wiele więcej. I wypływają jedna z drugiej, a ta jeszcze z innej, jak w łańcuszku. Dopiero kompleksowe spojrzenie na to, co znajduje się na samym dnie, może dać nam prawdziwy obraz przyczyn naszych problemów. Na przykład agresja może być spowodowana wstydem, poczuciem winy, strachem, zazdrością, zawiścią, żądzą albo przesadną dumą. Według autora przyczyna wszelkich problemów tkwi w tłumionym lub źle ukierunkowanym gniewie, który należy po prostu wyrzucić z siebie i po kłopocie. Wyrzucić, przebaczyć i zapomnieć. Te dwa pierwsze warunki spełnić jest dla jednych łatwiej, dla innych trudniej. Nad trzecim nie mamy kontroli, bo nasza pamięć przechowuje często coś wbrew naszej woli.
Co jeszcze? Autor daje przykład handlarzy, kłócących się na targu, a po zrobieniu interesu podających sobie ręce na zgodę. Dopiero co byli na siebie źli i już są przyjaciółmi. Super, tylko ich konflikt dotyczył ceny towaru. Jakie to ma odniesienie np. do gniewu, spowodowanego niewiernością współmałżonka (według mnie głębokiej rany utraty zaufania, odrzucenia, zdrady, żalu, rozczarowania, utraty własnej wartości...). Czy wtedy też należy pokazać swój gniew, a potem zapomnieć? Chciałabym, żeby to było takie proste...

[An Te Chu · Rating 5 out of 5]

very easy to read, very helpful. in fact I typed out the entire last chapter - which consists of 103 helpful questions- so I can further explore my own relationship with anger.

I guess I'm now very anger- positive!

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book! It's so easy to read with very short chapters, most of them being about 2-3 pages each. Dr. Rubin's premise is that most people have a problem with what anger is really all about and also that people will adamantly deny that they are angry. In the introduction, Dr. Rubin offers the reader hope by saying, ".....insight into these feelings can free and make available many other feelings, talents, and potentials." He begins chapter 1 by saying, "I assume the saints were human. I assume you are not a saint. All human beings get angry--and I'm sure the saints did, too. Feeling angry is a universal human phenomenon. It is as basic as feeling hungry, lonely, loving, or tired." That was a wonderful attention grabber! It did, what I call, level the playing field.

The book is divided into 5 sections. In the first section Dr. Rubin describes the origins of angry troubles. He has done an amazing job of summarizing the human condition so that if we want to get personal, we can safely see ourselves without feeling any attending negative emotions. His ability to analyze and his use of logic is why I appreciate his books so much.

In the second section he helps the reader understand how people pervert the normal natural free feel and flow of anger. (If you are familiar with the 5 stages of grief, this chapter could show the way we get into the denial of anger.)

The third section of this book is the longest part. There are so many ways that we express our anger in distorted ways. An example of this is joking. Someone will make a cutting remark and when you call them on it they will often say, "Well I was just joking." His use of short, to the point chapters really helps the reader get through this section succinctly. Of course, not all of the expressions are relative to us, but it's good to recognize them.

The fourth section is where Dr. Rubin helps us begin to see how we can use the anger we feel to help us navigate towards moving forward to resolving our anger. He entitled this section, "Untwisting: Prophylaxis and Antidotes". He helps us understand the appropriate and inappropriate expressions of anger. It's a very helpful section for any who really want to know how to move forward with their lives in a way that they can feel good about doing something they've always felt bad about before.

The final section consists of 103 questions for the reader to ponder. The introspection helps us identify what we want to work on.

The biggest reason I recommend this book is because I believe with all my heart that we can't fully express our love in the highest and deepest way to our fellow men if we deny that there aren't attendant feelings of anger. My personal favorite chapter in the book is, "Warm, Cold, and In-Between." Warm anger helps us draw closer to others. Cold anger is what draws people apart. Great chapter - great book!

[Ann Kewley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this when feeling really angry and it was amazing- I felt so much better afterwards! Much recommended!

[Rene Low · Rating 4 out of 5]

Who knew being Angry was so fucking important?!

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Potent Quotables:

In removing ourselves from our feelings - that is, in submerging and deadening our feelings - we are extraordinarily destructive of ourselves. This is a form of self-imposed anesthesia (like ether or gas) that kills our spontaneity, sensitivity, and potential creativity. It is the great destroyer of self and human identity and human relatedness. How can we relate if we don't feel? We cannot feel with a frozen finger, and we cannot feel with frozen emotions.

Arrogance covers up feelings of emptiness, deadness, lack of self-esteem, and feelings of brittle fragility and vulnerability.

Anesthetizing powerful feelings does not make for sustained comfort, equilibrium, peace, brotherly love, or constructive purpose. Feelings must out: they must be realized, accepted, expressed, and integrated as part of the whole human being if sustained human growth and worthwhile emotional encounters and exchanges are to take place. Drugs are temporary escapes and provide blocks and pitfalls to the possibilities of human growth. Reality includes reality about one's feelings, whatever they are. To feel - to be oneself - is a reality essential to human progress. Drugs used indiscriminately are the enemy and antithesis of feeling reality.

In health, anger is self-limiting. This means that it takes place and then stops. It is often a response to frustration due to misunderstanding. We human beings have a great need to understand one another, very limited ways of transmitting understanding, and exceedingly limited frustration tolerances. This combination guarantees angry responses.

Our feelings control us when we subvert them and are no longer aware they exist. Then they have an autonomy of their own. When we know what we feel, when our feelings are integrated as parts of the whole of us, then regardless of their intensity, we remain completely in charge of ourselves and of all our feelings - as part of a central autonomy.

Acceptance, real acceptance of angry feelings, without harsh judgment or moral equivocation, combined with the ability to express the anger, will then make possible a choice regarding its expression. Acceptance of feelings plus freedom to express those feelings gives one the chance to decide (choice) whether one wishes or does not wish to express these feelings.

Anger of course does make waves and kills the neurotic kind of “love” that depends on a show of 100 percent complete harmony. But this isn't love at all; it is neurotic dependency and only confused with love. Feeling anger and exchanging angry feelings strengthen true love and are actually life-affirming.

Getting angry, like getting hungry, is a human phenomenon, and neither needs an excuse for being. If someone is hungry, he is hungry, and the fact that he has just eaten does not mitigate his hunger. The same is true of anger. If he is angry, he is angry regardless of any right or wrong issue involved.

When there is no apparent reason for anger or when it seems much more intense than the situation calls for, then we usually look upon it as disproportionate or inappropriate. However, anger is always appropriate. It may be appropriate to a source that is mysterious or unknown to the observer, but in terms of that source, it is appropriate. Once that source is disclosed, then anger appears appropriate to the observer, too. This is true of all human emotional responses. They may seem to be irrational in terms we are all acquainted with and call rational. But all responses, however irrational, do have a rationale or meaning - however hidden or complicated that meeting may be.

All expressions of warm anger will be short, finite; they will not go on and on and become chronic. There will be no grudge-carrying or slush accumulations. Angry feelings will be short-lived - finished and over with - and will be followed by forgiving and forgetting if appropriate. The expression of warm anger will have a cleansing effect on the relationship. It will clear the air of cobwebs of confusion, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. There will always be at least two people involved, and they will always feel better for having had their exchange. Their mutual respect will have increased, and their mutual frame of reference (common ground) will be extended so that better and further understanding will ensue. Thus angry responses in the future will probably be reduced in frequency and intensity. There will be increased confidence and closeness in the relationship.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing book, which I read at the right time.

The simple message is that clear and direct anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It's a form of emotional communication, and it's healthy if it leads on to understanding and "clearing the air" (a phrase used many times). And if it's honest. If we express anger when we're angry, and don't pretend we're not angry when we are, or vice versa, then the outcome is usually positive, and the anger doesn't become chronic. Chronic anger with no clearing of the air becomes poisonous very easily.

As someone who has tried, and failed, to adopt a Stoic approach to anger, this book speaks volumes to me. The author is writing from a psychoanalytic perspective, but I feel he has a lot in common with Aristotle's theory of anger, outlined in The Nicomachean Ethics.

“Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

[Tõnis Hallaste · Rating 4 out of 5]

keskendus sellele, et viha on loomulik ja et sel on puhastav mõju inimesele ja suhetele. pmst õige jutt, aga tahtsin pigem näpunäiteid, kuidas ületada enda või teiste vihapurskeid.
otsisin midagi stoitsistlikku, nö jedilikuma meelelaadi õpetust või juhiseid, sain hoopis algaja sithi käsiraamatu.

[James Mackay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow very insightful book into anger. Something i had never really considered before on how to display it properly. Gives a very good overview of the modes we use to bottle up our feelings.

[Helena Frisk · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tog upp en del intressanta saker

[Vicki Scullion · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting that so many of us refuse to express the anger we feel. The author explains the issue well using psychoanalytic theory, but I’m not sure how helpful the book was overall for me.

[Bryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a struggle to get through. Not because of the density of the reading, but more because it was just so dry. The chapters are small, which is good for conceptualization and quick reference, but the overall material was just difficult to relate to. The book has loads of information but most of it is explained in abstract theory style writing which is hard for some people to grasp. I bought this book hoping I could use it as a book to hand off to clients to spark some conversation but I just don't see a client reading it because it is just so freaking boring. About half way through this book I began to think of it as the "anger grocery list" because it was chapter after chapter of; anger concept number 134, anger concept number 135,....

This book does have some value in that if I wanted to look through the chapters and possibly have a client look at a single chapter to possibly spark some converstation, then I could see it being usefull. Unfortunately, other than that, it is not a book that has really bowled me over.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this as research for a workshop on displacement of anger. It's an easy read with very short chapters (literally 1-6 pages per chapter.) There's a lot of information on the different types of anger- how it's portrayed, suppressed, painful, and often times self-harmful, but I felt it needed a further section on how to deal with the individual reactions. Anyone reading this will find the chapter describing themselves, and their close family/friends, so it's good to gain some insight into the different reactions and motivations behind them.

[Linda Robinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is unfair to review a psychiatrist's book written in 1969 with a 2009 mind, but, allowing for dated material, the book is a 221 page promotion to see a mental health professional, if one is experiencing any of the "toxic slush fund" results of suppressed anger. Good advice. Nonetheless, the overall tone, language and short chapters reads a little...angry.

[Janet · Rating 3 out of 5]

I totally see someone I know and love in this book...there are many different facets to the expression (or more so, non-expression) of anger. This book doesn't so much as offer advice, but tell it like it is.

[Joielechong · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book focusing about what is angry in deep explanation. There are full and complete definitions of an angy. What lack from this book is how to solve and facing with angry. If you want to change the angry habit, this book is not for you.

[Richard Jespers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite revealing. Helped me to rediscover some things I had learned in therapy almost thirty years ago, namely that burying anger causes depression, self-loathing, etc. Yet Rubin reiterates it in ways that are different. Anger = anxiety = depression . . . or heart palpitations.

[Donna Goetter]

This is the only book I could find re: "The Angry Book" by Theodore Isaac Rubin M.D. The cover is not the same. on the face of the paperback a man and woman are top right and he's yelling and she's closing her ear. I am sure this is an updated version and would like to read it too.

[Shane · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best self-help books out there. Its main point is to validate anger as an emotion just like all the others.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm so mad that I didn't read this book sooner.

[Courtney Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great read in understanding why anger is displaced so often and how it is handled incorrectly. Good general knowledge.

[Louis C Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

essential

[Laçin Tutalar]

Clearly, there is no substitute for anger.