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But How Are You, Really
A burned-out bisexual confronts old demons, her estranged chosen family, and the ex she maybe shouldn’t have walked away from when she attends her five-year college reunion.
Charlotte Thorne does not want to go back to Hein University. Her life postcollege isn’t what she expected—her career in media is stalled, her passion for drawing has fallen by the wayside, and she’s done a terrible job keeping in touch with her queer chosen family since graduation day. Willingly spend a full weekend with her incredibly successful classmates? Hard pass.
But when her demanding boss, tech journalist Roger Ludermore, is invited to give the commencement address at this year’s graduation—which falls on the same weekend as her five-year reunion—Charlotte has no choice but to return to campus.
The minute she steps foot on Hein property, the past comes crawling back in its glory and cringe: disco parties at the LGBTQIA+ program house, sleeping in a twin XL bed, and her chemistry with Reece Kreuger, the hockey player she rebounded with after a traumatic breakup. Suddenly the weekend Charlotte has dreaded for months feels like an opportunity to go back in time. Determined to have some fun, Charlotte dodges her best friend’s questions about her mental health, ignores her boss’s constant Slack messages, and tries to avoid the truth about why she ghosted Reece five years ago. But can she really outrun her past and get her life together in seventy-two hours?
Charlotte Thorne does not want to go back to Hein University. Her life postcollege isn’t what she expected—her career in media is stalled, her passion for drawing has fallen by the wayside, and she’s done a terrible job keeping in touch with her queer chosen family since graduation day. Willingly spend a full weekend with her incredibly successful classmates? Hard pass.
But when her demanding boss, tech journalist Roger Ludermore, is invited to give the commencement address at this year’s graduation—which falls on the same weekend as her five-year reunion—Charlotte has no choice but to return to campus.
The minute she steps foot on Hein property, the past comes crawling back in its glory and cringe: disco parties at the LGBTQIA+ program house, sleeping in a twin XL bed, and her chemistry with Reece Kreuger, the hockey player she rebounded with after a traumatic breakup. Suddenly the weekend Charlotte has dreaded for months feels like an opportunity to go back in time. Determined to have some fun, Charlotte dodges her best friend’s questions about her mental health, ignores her boss’s constant Slack messages, and tries to avoid the truth about why she ghosted Reece five years ago. But can she really outrun her past and get her life together in seventy-two hours?
352 pages, Hardcover
First published June 4, 2024
87 people are currently reading
11890 people want to read
About the author
Ella Dawson
3 books110 followersElla Dawson is an NYC-based sex and culture critic whose work has been published by Elle, Vox, and Women’s Health, among others. She is the author of BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY, a contemporary college reunion second chance romance. She is also the host of the Rebel Ever After podcast about writing progressive, swoony romance novels. Ella is proudly bisexual, very anxious, and aspires to adopt a kitten. Follow her on social media and on Patreon as @brosandprose.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 414 reviews
June 19, 2024
A solid 3 star book. This was a quick read with some life lessons added to the mix.
What to Expect
🍭Buzzfeed Vibes.
🍭Millennial lingo.
🍭Bisexual heroine
🍭Second-chance romance
🍭Burned out millennials
🍭Chosen family
The Plot- Charlotte is a burnout millennial who has been invited to attend her 5 year college reunion. Having nothing to really show for success she is dreading the idea of rekindling with old friends/connections. Everyone around her seems to have their life together. You follow Charlotte as she revisits the past and gain a fresh perspective on her future with the people around her.
My Thoughts- This was a decent book. The plot was a great idea but I think it wasn’t carried out in the best way. Overall, this was an okay read. Heavier than I expected. Charlotte’s character development was top tier. At the beginning of the book I really could not stand her “woe is me” persona. By the end of the book I was proud of her. The other characters were written beautifully. You really felt like you were apart of the gang . The characters are definitely people you want in your corner. It was very heartwarming to see a friendship like theirs portrayed in this book. One thing is I really wished this book was written with multiple povs. I think the reader would feel more connected to the story. The writing was decent I did feel bored at times and I had to push through. Sometimes the writing felt a bit repetitive. BUT I really liked how everyone in this book communicated. No miscommunication trope 🙅♀️
🗣️I would recommend this book to the right audience. This is my first book from the author and I will def check out her work in the future.
Playlist
🎶Anti- Hero- Taylor Swift
🎶Brooklyn Baby- Lana Del Rey
🎶Dont Let Me Get Me- P!nk
🎶We Are Young- FUN
🎶 Champagne Problems- Taylor Swift
🎶Drops Of Jupiter- Train
🎶Raise Your Glass- P!nk
🎶 Still into You- Paramore
🎶 Riptide- Vance Joy
🎶Good As Hell- Lizzo
🎶 Friday I’m in Love- The Cure
🎶Sorry Not Sorry- Demi Lovato
🎶 Elastic Heart- Sia
🎶 Slow Hands- Niall Horan
🎶 Blinding Lights- The Weekend
🎶As It Was- Harry Style
🎶Radio- Lana Del Rey
🎶Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer
🎶Daylight- Harry Style
🎶Adore You- Harry Style
🎶Fight Song- Rachel Platten
✨Thank you to NetGalley, the Author and Penguin Group Dutton for an advanced reading copy of this book in exchange for my honest review✨
What to Expect
🍭Buzzfeed Vibes.
🍭Millennial lingo.
🍭Bisexual heroine
🍭Second-chance romance
🍭Burned out millennials
🍭Chosen family
The Plot- Charlotte is a burnout millennial who has been invited to attend her 5 year college reunion. Having nothing to really show for success she is dreading the idea of rekindling with old friends/connections. Everyone around her seems to have their life together. You follow Charlotte as she revisits the past and gain a fresh perspective on her future with the people around her.
My Thoughts- This was a decent book. The plot was a great idea but I think it wasn’t carried out in the best way. Overall, this was an okay read. Heavier than I expected. Charlotte’s character development was top tier. At the beginning of the book I really could not stand her “woe is me” persona. By the end of the book I was proud of her. The other characters were written beautifully. You really felt like you were apart of the gang . The characters are definitely people you want in your corner. It was very heartwarming to see a friendship like theirs portrayed in this book. One thing is I really wished this book was written with multiple povs. I think the reader would feel more connected to the story. The writing was decent I did feel bored at times and I had to push through. Sometimes the writing felt a bit repetitive. BUT I really liked how everyone in this book communicated. No miscommunication trope 🙅♀️
🗣️I would recommend this book to the right audience. This is my first book from the author and I will def check out her work in the future.
Playlist
🎶Anti- Hero- Taylor Swift
🎶Brooklyn Baby- Lana Del Rey
🎶Dont Let Me Get Me- P!nk
🎶We Are Young- FUN
🎶 Champagne Problems- Taylor Swift
🎶Drops Of Jupiter- Train
🎶Raise Your Glass- P!nk
🎶 Still into You- Paramore
🎶 Riptide- Vance Joy
🎶Good As Hell- Lizzo
🎶 Friday I’m in Love- The Cure
🎶Sorry Not Sorry- Demi Lovato
🎶 Elastic Heart- Sia
🎶 Slow Hands- Niall Horan
🎶 Blinding Lights- The Weekend
🎶As It Was- Harry Style
🎶Radio- Lana Del Rey
🎶Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer
🎶Daylight- Harry Style
🎶Adore You- Harry Style
🎶Fight Song- Rachel Platten
✨Thank you to NetGalley, the Author and Penguin Group Dutton for an advanced reading copy of this book in exchange for my honest review✨
August 15, 2024
a twenty-seven year old, bisexual woman with mommy issues and clinical depression, living in new york city, feeling like her life is nothing like those of her graduating class peers? i was hooked from page one.
‘but how are you, really?’ is an honest account of what it feels like to let comparison steal your joy in your mid to late twenties. EVERY woman in her twenties should put this on their ‘required reading before i hit 30’ list.
also, 🗣️ this is still a romance novel 🗣️ and reece krueger? you, my friend, have reached the list of top 5 fictional boyfriends !
”some of what she felt was burnout, and some of it was genuine clinical depression, but most of it was just her. she let herself stagnate.”
we are currently 3 weeks away from my 26th birthday so this may be hitting a little too close to home for me right now but im so happy it fell in my lap exactly when i needed it.
‘but how are you, really?’ is an honest account of what it feels like to let comparison steal your joy in your mid to late twenties. EVERY woman in her twenties should put this on their ‘required reading before i hit 30’ list.
also, 🗣️ this is still a romance novel 🗣️ and reece krueger? you, my friend, have reached the list of top 5 fictional boyfriends !
”some of what she felt was burnout, and some of it was genuine clinical depression, but most of it was just her. she let herself stagnate.”
we are currently 3 weeks away from my 26th birthday so this may be hitting a little too close to home for me right now but im so happy it fell in my lap exactly when i needed it.
May 28, 2024
hot sad gay horny and lost™️ typa beat. review to follow—loved loved loved this one
also Ella did you stalk me in college because it’s exactly five years out for me and what . that was my life .
—-
oh DEAR GOD this book was made for me (i struck it lucky with my picks today, really).
where do i start!!! this book was the perfect mix of hot, gay, sad, lost, and horny, which is quickly becoming my favorite genre (lmao)—the perfect mix of romance, 20s lost-ness (this is not a word), and deep, deep introspection. if you guys have seen my review of ‘why did you stay?’ then you probably know why the premise of this appeals strongly to me (i don’t wish to rehash). just know that i am supremely grateful to ella dawson for writing a story as touching and heartfelt as this.
this comes at such a perfect time—i’m a month away before the 5-year anniversary of college graduation, and i get how charlotte feels so ‘behind’ and lost, seemingly last in a race she never signed up for. i loved how real this felt to me, and how communicative their entire friend group was. there’s a big premium here on the value of leaving both jobs and people who aren’t healthy for you, an added bonus to this already beautiful book. ella also talks about finding your own family, especially in the context of being queer when you have 3Ds parents (iykyk), which i just loved. god, this book was so SO special.
in truth, this felt like a romance to me (i’m actually SO thrilled lol), except more complex, real, and down to earth. god, i fell in LOVE with reece here. clearly a 5/5 for me for hitting all the right notes—i can’t wait to read more of ella’s work!!
also Ella did you stalk me in college because it’s exactly five years out for me and what . that was my life .
—-
oh DEAR GOD this book was made for me (i struck it lucky with my picks today, really).
where do i start!!! this book was the perfect mix of hot, gay, sad, lost, and horny, which is quickly becoming my favorite genre (lmao)—the perfect mix of romance, 20s lost-ness (this is not a word), and deep, deep introspection. if you guys have seen my review of ‘why did you stay?’ then you probably know why the premise of this appeals strongly to me (i don’t wish to rehash). just know that i am supremely grateful to ella dawson for writing a story as touching and heartfelt as this.
this comes at such a perfect time—i’m a month away before the 5-year anniversary of college graduation, and i get how charlotte feels so ‘behind’ and lost, seemingly last in a race she never signed up for. i loved how real this felt to me, and how communicative their entire friend group was. there’s a big premium here on the value of leaving both jobs and people who aren’t healthy for you, an added bonus to this already beautiful book. ella also talks about finding your own family, especially in the context of being queer when you have 3Ds parents (iykyk), which i just loved. god, this book was so SO special.
in truth, this felt like a romance to me (i’m actually SO thrilled lol), except more complex, real, and down to earth. god, i fell in LOVE with reece here. clearly a 5/5 for me for hitting all the right notes—i can’t wait to read more of ella’s work!!
June 23, 2025
Loved how the book portrayed the reality of life after college for a lot of people without support. I almost cried a bit there, especially when coupled with the abuse Charlotte went through at the hands of her boss, all the abuse she'd endured from people over the years. I didn't care much for the relationship in this but it wasn't completely horrible
October 27, 2025
Thank you to Dutton and NetGalley for the honor of reading this book in exchange for an honest review.
Charlotte hates her job. Instead of being a graphic designer, she's an assistant to a demanding tech journalist who keeps dangling a transfer to the art department over her head. When he is chosen to be the commencement speaker at her alma mater, Charlotte gets roped into going ahead of him and attending her five year reunion. Charlotte made a great group of fellow queer and absent parent having friends in her time at college. She has been terrible at keeping in touch with them because of her demanding and disappointing job. One in particular is Reece, the guy she had a fling with after leaving her abusive ex. Charlotte is forced to re-examine her life and her choices when she sees her friends again and decide where she wants to go from here.
This book was such a breath of fresh air. It watered my crops and cleared my acne. It gave me hope when I had none. I'm being a bit dramatic but that is how much I loved this book. I adored seeing a book with so many queer characters. I saw myself in the characters of this book in a way I never have in a book before. Although I thankfully did not have homophobic parents like Charlotte does, I really felt like I understood her.
This book felt very millennial, which I appreciated. The characters' references were my references and the burnout that they experienced is all too common in my generation. I could feel the disappointment in not achieving your dreams yet when everyone around you seems to be doing well. I felt like this book was very much written for me. It takes place in 2018, which takes a second to adjust to, but makes sense for where the characters are in their lives based on their references.
This book handled a lot of difficult topics. These included homophobia, grief, alcoholism, abusive relationships, anxiety/panic disorder, sexual harassment. These were handled so impressively. I felt the character’s panic without ever feeling unsafe. I applaud the author for not shying away from these topics while also giving the book lighter moments. It was an emotional book but I would not call it particularly dark.
I appreciated that the characters communicated with each other, at least eventually. When a character's feelings were hurt, they communicated that so that the other could apologize. Characters were clear in their intentions and interacted like actual people. This does not always happen in books.
I also enjoyed the character of Reece, who felt like a normal, decent guy. There could have been some melodramatic moments in the story if he reacted the wrong way, but he listened and was a rational person.
I don't want to say too much about this book, because I think that it should be read. Overall I’m just so glad that this book exists.
Charlotte hates her job. Instead of being a graphic designer, she's an assistant to a demanding tech journalist who keeps dangling a transfer to the art department over her head. When he is chosen to be the commencement speaker at her alma mater, Charlotte gets roped into going ahead of him and attending her five year reunion. Charlotte made a great group of fellow queer and absent parent having friends in her time at college. She has been terrible at keeping in touch with them because of her demanding and disappointing job. One in particular is Reece, the guy she had a fling with after leaving her abusive ex. Charlotte is forced to re-examine her life and her choices when she sees her friends again and decide where she wants to go from here.
This book was such a breath of fresh air. It watered my crops and cleared my acne. It gave me hope when I had none. I'm being a bit dramatic but that is how much I loved this book. I adored seeing a book with so many queer characters. I saw myself in the characters of this book in a way I never have in a book before. Although I thankfully did not have homophobic parents like Charlotte does, I really felt like I understood her.
This book felt very millennial, which I appreciated. The characters' references were my references and the burnout that they experienced is all too common in my generation. I could feel the disappointment in not achieving your dreams yet when everyone around you seems to be doing well. I felt like this book was very much written for me. It takes place in 2018, which takes a second to adjust to, but makes sense for where the characters are in their lives based on their references.
This book handled a lot of difficult topics. These included homophobia, grief, alcoholism, abusive relationships, anxiety/panic disorder, sexual harassment. These were handled so impressively. I felt the character’s panic without ever feeling unsafe. I applaud the author for not shying away from these topics while also giving the book lighter moments. It was an emotional book but I would not call it particularly dark.
I appreciated that the characters communicated with each other, at least eventually. When a character's feelings were hurt, they communicated that so that the other could apologize. Characters were clear in their intentions and interacted like actual people. This does not always happen in books.
I also enjoyed the character of Reece, who felt like a normal, decent guy. There could have been some melodramatic moments in the story if he reacted the wrong way, but he listened and was a rational person.
I don't want to say too much about this book, because I think that it should be read. Overall I’m just so glad that this book exists.
July 11, 2024
girly was going through it
dnf
July 31, 2025i’m in a millennial nightmare because since when is talking about dogs for 10 pages considered sexual tension
December 3, 2023
Drop whatever you're reading and get your hands on this fun, steamy, debut novel, But How Are You, Really by Ella Dawson.
Picture this: it's been five years since college graduation. Having successfully filled her life with all-work-and-no-fun following a brutal break up, the thought of attending her five-year reunion to schmooze and risk seeing ex's and old-friends fills Charlotte Thorne with impending dread. Unlucky for her, Charlotte's savage boss is asked to give the commencement speech which means, like-it-or-not, she's going. Out of options, Charlotte must brave the weekend head on, rekindling old connections--some welcome and some not-so-much-- and ultimately find herself faced with confronting all the things that scare her the most.
In her debut novel, author Ella Dawson skillfully brings the reader back to the concrete walls of college life, capturing the angst and drama, as if it was just yesterday. You may *think* you don't want to revisit those days yourself, but I promise that you won't be able to put down this claim your life/take back your story/follow your heart/trust that your worth more than you think/best friends are forever/second chance at love/with a healthy dash of heat novel.
Five stars for But How Are You, Really.
Thank you to Penguin Group Dutton and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and provide feedback on this advanced review copy of But How Are You, Really by Ella Dawson.
Picture this: it's been five years since college graduation. Having successfully filled her life with all-work-and-no-fun following a brutal break up, the thought of attending her five-year reunion to schmooze and risk seeing ex's and old-friends fills Charlotte Thorne with impending dread. Unlucky for her, Charlotte's savage boss is asked to give the commencement speech which means, like-it-or-not, she's going. Out of options, Charlotte must brave the weekend head on, rekindling old connections--some welcome and some not-so-much-- and ultimately find herself faced with confronting all the things that scare her the most.
In her debut novel, author Ella Dawson skillfully brings the reader back to the concrete walls of college life, capturing the angst and drama, as if it was just yesterday. You may *think* you don't want to revisit those days yourself, but I promise that you won't be able to put down this claim your life/take back your story/follow your heart/trust that your worth more than you think/best friends are forever/second chance at love/with a healthy dash of heat novel.
Five stars for But How Are You, Really.
Thank you to Penguin Group Dutton and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and provide feedback on this advanced review copy of But How Are You, Really by Ella Dawson.
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July 23, 2024I think I am impervious to the pleasures of basically anything set at a college because my own college experience fell into a vast gulf of dissociation, and I probably can't return there at any time, so... grain of salt... but...
I liked this, especially toward the end! That said, I always felt like... its horizon was too close. I don't entirely know what I mean by that, but it felt like the scope of the story was always right in front of its nose, and I wanted it to turn its head to the right. Or something. My metaphor doesn't make sense, but I hope you get it nevertheless.
I liked this, especially toward the end! That said, I always felt like... its horizon was too close. I don't entirely know what I mean by that, but it felt like the scope of the story was always right in front of its nose, and I wanted it to turn its head to the right. Or something. My metaphor doesn't make sense, but I hope you get it nevertheless.
April 26, 2024
DNF @ 30%
Major disappointment!! The description had me so excited. I thought it would be just my type but I couldn’t get into it. The MC is milktoast and dialogue is v cringey
Thank you to Dutton and NetGalley for the ARC!
Major disappointment!! The description had me so excited. I thought it would be just my type but I couldn’t get into it. The MC is milktoast and dialogue is v cringey
Thank you to Dutton and NetGalley for the ARC!
November 15, 2024
i relate so incredibly much to the main character (27, bisexual, misses uni, stuck) but this book has “everyone talks like they’re a therapist” syndrome
August 25, 2024
Very easy read!
In But How Are You Really? we meet Charlotte, a bisexual woman, living in New York with a boss she detest and he treats her like crap. She is heading back to Hein University for a reunion and plans to be with her college friend and relax a bit.
Of course the reunion weekend doesn’t go as planned, she falls back in like with her ex college crush, runs into a guy that abused her and there are so many bad memories that keep popping up. How will she navigate this?
I enjoyed this book, it was pretty easy to read and I did enjoy being back on campus with Charlotte and her friends. If you are looking for a book that tackles big issues and leaves you feeling nostalgic, this is it.
This book is a reminder about friends and friendship.
In But How Are You Really? we meet Charlotte, a bisexual woman, living in New York with a boss she detest and he treats her like crap. She is heading back to Hein University for a reunion and plans to be with her college friend and relax a bit.
Of course the reunion weekend doesn’t go as planned, she falls back in like with her ex college crush, runs into a guy that abused her and there are so many bad memories that keep popping up. How will she navigate this?
I enjoyed this book, it was pretty easy to read and I did enjoy being back on campus with Charlotte and her friends. If you are looking for a book that tackles big issues and leaves you feeling nostalgic, this is it.
This book is a reminder about friends and friendship.
June 2, 2024
Ella Dawson's BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY perfectly captured the essence of millennial ennui and the risk of burning out when your career has just begun. (Note: I’m in my early twenties so while I haven’t lived this myself, I choose to believe this book depicted the subject well and this is what lies ahead of me.)
Perhaps my favorite aspect of BHAYR is that it's set during a college reunion. The setting is just ripe for drama (and it was.) I also love that it features a dual timeline in the past. The suspense of uncovering how all of the relationships in the story have evolved (or crashed and burned) never fails to hook me and this one pulled me in.
That being said, the characterization in this book pleasantly surprised me! (Which is good because it’s heavily character-driven.) The various friends, partners, and exes were distinct and relatively fleshed-out characters. It would’ve been easy to reduce several characters into stereotypes based on their identities, but I didn’t see much of that - even from the antagonists.
I adored Reece so much. His personality and dialogue were so charming throughout the book. I declare that 2024 is the year of golden retriever boy energy and I’m putting Reece on top. However, I also thought Reece bordered on too perfect. I understand that he functions as a character foil the hot mess that is Charlie, but he needs more flaws than just living at home with his mom in his late twenties. Throw him a bone! (Is that too many animal puns? The readers will get it.)
Overall, BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY was a sharp and decadent debut from Ella Dawson. 4 stars!
Thank you so much to Dutton for providing me a copy in exchange for an honest review.
Perhaps my favorite aspect of BHAYR is that it's set during a college reunion. The setting is just ripe for drama (and it was.) I also love that it features a dual timeline in the past. The suspense of uncovering how all of the relationships in the story have evolved (or crashed and burned) never fails to hook me and this one pulled me in.
That being said, the characterization in this book pleasantly surprised me! (Which is good because it’s heavily character-driven.) The various friends, partners, and exes were distinct and relatively fleshed-out characters. It would’ve been easy to reduce several characters into stereotypes based on their identities, but I didn’t see much of that - even from the antagonists.
I adored Reece so much. His personality and dialogue were so charming throughout the book. I declare that 2024 is the year of golden retriever boy energy and I’m putting Reece on top. However, I also thought Reece bordered on too perfect. I understand that he functions as a character foil the hot mess that is Charlie, but he needs more flaws than just living at home with his mom in his late twenties. Throw him a bone! (Is that too many animal puns? The readers will get it.)
Overall, BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY was a sharp and decadent debut from Ella Dawson. 4 stars!
Thank you so much to Dutton for providing me a copy in exchange for an honest review.
May 28, 2024
thank you net galley and dutton for an arc of this book in exchange of my honest review.
this book is about charlotte who is feeling kind of stuck in her life and is hoping that a promotion at her job will help with her rut. we get to follow her time at a college reunion that she has gone to for the weekend and see her reconnect with old lovers and friends.
this book was fine. it was a quick read which was nice but it wasn't my favorite. i did love the writing and everything but I felt like the plot had no plot? I'm not sure how else to explain it, it felt like a lot of back and forth and just filler information. i didn't really think this was a romance it read and felt more like lit fic with a hint of romance but the romance wasn't the main part of the plot. however it was a solid read just a bit forgettable in my mind.
this book is about charlotte who is feeling kind of stuck in her life and is hoping that a promotion at her job will help with her rut. we get to follow her time at a college reunion that she has gone to for the weekend and see her reconnect with old lovers and friends.
this book was fine. it was a quick read which was nice but it wasn't my favorite. i did love the writing and everything but I felt like the plot had no plot? I'm not sure how else to explain it, it felt like a lot of back and forth and just filler information. i didn't really think this was a romance it read and felt more like lit fic with a hint of romance but the romance wasn't the main part of the plot. however it was a solid read just a bit forgettable in my mind.
May 29, 2024
"So you're a depressed bisexual with terrible parents. That doesn't mean you don't know how to love someone. Do you hear me?"
Thank you so much to Netgalley, Dutton Books, and Ella Dawson for giving me the opportunity to read this early before it came out.
This book gave me so many emotions, and I really related to it towards the end, but I’m not entirely sure if it was for me. But if you’re queer and questioning your life choices, go read this book!
Thank you so much to Netgalley, Dutton Books, and Ella Dawson for giving me the opportunity to read this early before it came out.
This book gave me so many emotions, and I really related to it towards the end, but I’m not entirely sure if it was for me. But if you’re queer and questioning your life choices, go read this book!
April 12, 2024
First off, thank you NetGalley for the ARC. But, this book was not for me. I was not hooked from the beginning. The main character was boring and there was no climax. Just walking down a straight road going nowhere, is basically what I thought about this book. The best thing was when charlotte finally figured out her self worth and quit her job with a jack ass of a boss!
May 7, 2024
(Thank you to Dutton Books for gifting me with an early copy of BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY in exchange for an honest review)
Have you ever been catching up with an old friend and once all the niceties are out of the way they hit you with that dreaded question — “but how are you, really?”
I have, more times than I can count.
For twenty-seven-year-old Charlotte Thorne, her five year college reunion means three days full of these terrifyingly intimate moments. Especially terrifying for someone like Charlotte—someone who is estranged from her mother for being an out and proud bisexual, someone who is broke and lonely in Brooklyn, and someone who absolutely HATES their job as a personal assistant for a grade-A asshole.
She can get by most of the time with, “I’m great!” but returning to Hein University, simultaneously a place of trauma and community, means she can’t get away with it for long.
We tag along for the ride as the reunion weekend brings her into close contact with old flames, old feelings, and old fears.
Ella Dawson’s debut is a searing and sensitive journey down memory lane that highlights the insecurity of your late twenties. While the plot dragged in some parts and I felt it relied too heavily on dialogue to flesh out the characters’ backstories, I do think its message is sincere:
More often than not, we see only the Instagram-worthy moments of others’ lives, but this novel reminds us that we’re all just trying to figure it out as we go along. No one has it all figured out. And we can’t get along without our community, but it can be so, so scary to ask for help. This book is a reminder to ask for help.
Have you ever been catching up with an old friend and once all the niceties are out of the way they hit you with that dreaded question — “but how are you, really?”
I have, more times than I can count.
For twenty-seven-year-old Charlotte Thorne, her five year college reunion means three days full of these terrifyingly intimate moments. Especially terrifying for someone like Charlotte—someone who is estranged from her mother for being an out and proud bisexual, someone who is broke and lonely in Brooklyn, and someone who absolutely HATES their job as a personal assistant for a grade-A asshole.
She can get by most of the time with, “I’m great!” but returning to Hein University, simultaneously a place of trauma and community, means she can’t get away with it for long.
We tag along for the ride as the reunion weekend brings her into close contact with old flames, old feelings, and old fears.
Ella Dawson’s debut is a searing and sensitive journey down memory lane that highlights the insecurity of your late twenties. While the plot dragged in some parts and I felt it relied too heavily on dialogue to flesh out the characters’ backstories, I do think its message is sincere:
More often than not, we see only the Instagram-worthy moments of others’ lives, but this novel reminds us that we’re all just trying to figure it out as we go along. No one has it all figured out. And we can’t get along without our community, but it can be so, so scary to ask for help. This book is a reminder to ask for help.
October 9, 2024
But How Are You, Really was such a delightful read. I think this is the perfect book for someone who loves romance books but has reservations or history that prevents them from fully immersing themselves. This book is healing.
My favorite part about this was how real the characters felt. When I read romance books, the MC generally dismisses previous lovers or makes it seem as if no sex has ever compared to that of their love interest in this book. But Charlotte has a history. One that she’s proud of. She loves so many different people and that doesn’t disappear just because Reece is in the picture. She doesn’t shy away from sexual thoughts and embraces them. It felt so authentic.
I didn’t have the best college experience but I didn’t necessarily have a bad one. This book was perfect for me. It made me nostalgic for all the good parts. I love Ella Dawson for writing the book I needed to heal that small part of me that still looks back at bits of my time there and frowns.
This book is raw, and messy, and real. And I loved it. 💕💕💕
My favorite part about this was how real the characters felt. When I read romance books, the MC generally dismisses previous lovers or makes it seem as if no sex has ever compared to that of their love interest in this book. But Charlotte has a history. One that she’s proud of. She loves so many different people and that doesn’t disappear just because Reece is in the picture. She doesn’t shy away from sexual thoughts and embraces them. It felt so authentic.
I didn’t have the best college experience but I didn’t necessarily have a bad one. This book was perfect for me. It made me nostalgic for all the good parts. I love Ella Dawson for writing the book I needed to heal that small part of me that still looks back at bits of my time there and frowns.
This book is raw, and messy, and real. And I loved it. 💕💕💕
October 23, 2024
reading this felt like a stranger sat me down and decided to tell me every excruciating detail of her actual college reunion, except she wasn’t a great storyteller and the story wasn’t that interesting and i didn’t really like her vibe
August 25, 2024
I want so much more queer adult contemporary fiction/litfic about this specific phase in life. This was a really great read, and I had a really hard time putting it down, even though general fiction usually takes me some time to read. It had 5 star potential for me in some moments, but just didn't quite reach that, but that's not to say I didn't love this.
May 25, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC and chance to review this book.
I felt so protective of Charlotte while reading this book and felt similarly to her friends who were worried about seeing her so miserable. As someone who graduated high school 10 years ago and college 7 years ago, the idea of a college reunion filled me with dread, probably for the same reasons Charlotte mentioned in the book. Being seen is hard; being truly known is HARD. It leaves us with nowhere to hide.
As a trauma therapist, I loved reading about Charlotte coming to terms with the abuse she experienced from multiple people in her life in multiple contexts. I loved it because it felt real — the patterns we find ourselves falling into when we’ve suffered abuse are there because these relationships feel familiar and our brain mistakes familiarity for safety. These realizations are messy and break us wide open. I could feel how carefully and respectfully Ella Dawson wrote about this.
I felt so protective of Charlotte while reading this book and felt similarly to her friends who were worried about seeing her so miserable. As someone who graduated high school 10 years ago and college 7 years ago, the idea of a college reunion filled me with dread, probably for the same reasons Charlotte mentioned in the book. Being seen is hard; being truly known is HARD. It leaves us with nowhere to hide.
As a trauma therapist, I loved reading about Charlotte coming to terms with the abuse she experienced from multiple people in her life in multiple contexts. I loved it because it felt real — the patterns we find ourselves falling into when we’ve suffered abuse are there because these relationships feel familiar and our brain mistakes familiarity for safety. These realizations are messy and break us wide open. I could feel how carefully and respectfully Ella Dawson wrote about this.
June 17, 2024
This is a quick little piece of contemporary fiction that covers the quarterlife crisis in a slightly humorous and romantic way. Charlotte Thorne is going back to her college for alumni weekend, but she is going because the job she hates requires her to live tweet her horrible boss’s commencement speech. If everything goes smoothly this trip could help her nab the newly opened and highly coveted job in the art department at the tech journalism company, she works for. The bright side of this work trip is that she is going to get a chance to catch up with some friends from the LGBTQIA+ program house, even if it seems like they are all doing a million times better than she is at adulting. From constant slack messages from her boss and precarious run ins with exes, charlotte has a lot of things to juggle. When the one that got away appears to still have a thing for her, she must work overtime to figure out what she wants from her life and from this weekend. It doesn’t help that her nosey friends don’t seem to believe her when she says that things are fine, and they keep digging into why she seems to have disappeared this past year. Stuck in denial, charlotte has one weekend to figure it all out. This is a book about learning how to stand up for yourself, how to love yourself and when to ask your friends for help. I fell in love and rooted for Charlotte while she was on her introspective journey into the future. There is some real chemistry and banter in this book while still having a sad girl vibe. There are a couple of steamy scenes but overall, the book has a real world feel to it that makes the whole thing that much better.
May 30, 2024
I’ve been wanting to write and post this review for sometime now!! BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY is a book I was looking for and I didn’t even know it!! It is funny, thoughtful, and a realistic fiction with life lessons floating about the story 😍 It is a story of reunion, friendship, and healing the unopened yet deep wounds. If you are like me and if your college life was made miserable by demon-spawns, you’d want to read this! So much angst in the story is relatable, as if all of it happened just recently; it’s the stuff I want to heal from ❤️🩹 But it is not just angst and emotions, it is also sweet and funny. It is a mix of contemporary life topics spoken in the story that will make this a good book-to-movie candidate.
BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY is the author’s debut novel that made me revisit those four years of my life, both the good and the ugly parts! This book is out next week — June 4th so drop everything and preorder 😉
Thank you Dutton for the gifted arc.
BUT HOW ARE YOU, REALLY is the author’s debut novel that made me revisit those four years of my life, both the good and the ugly parts! This book is out next week — June 4th so drop everything and preorder 😉
Thank you Dutton for the gifted arc.
September 20, 2025
Take it as you want, but this book is very millennial-coded.
There are books out there that I'm happy to say are like a long therapy session you wouldn't even want to participate in — as in, they make you reflect on your life and all the things you're too scared to say out loud.
And then there are books marketed as “therapy” only for them to be a bunch of know-it-all characters that need to make their point until the MC becomes the villain for how much he/she is sick of them. Sorry to say I’m not a fan of those books.
↠ 3 stars
Thanks to PENGUIN GROUP Dutton and NetGalley, who provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest opinion.
There are books out there that I'm happy to say are like a long therapy session you wouldn't even want to participate in — as in, they make you reflect on your life and all the things you're too scared to say out loud.
And then there are books marketed as “therapy” only for them to be a bunch of know-it-all characters that need to make their point until the MC becomes the villain for how much he/she is sick of them. Sorry to say I’m not a fan of those books.
↠ 3 stars
Thanks to PENGUIN GROUP Dutton and NetGalley, who provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest opinion.
June 25, 2024
Main character is beyond annoying and the writing screams pick me millennial
June 21, 2024
But How Are You, Really By Ella Dawson
Thank you so much @duttonbooks #DuttonPartner for the gifted copy.
Blurb:
A burned-out bisexual confronts old demons, her estranged chosen family, and the ex she maybe shouldn’t have walked away from when she attends her five-year college reunion.
✨ My thoughts:
I read this one so fast! I love a fast read, especially if it keeps me awake all night trying to finish it. Yay for no sleep! It was the second chance romance and chosen family tropes that really sold this to me. I’m happy to report, it was just as enjoyable as I’d hoped it to be. I loved Charlotte’s character development and the friendships written in this story. I’m not going to lie, it was a little heavier than I was expecting but it’s also a heartwarming one. If I had to have just one gripe… it would be that parts of this story felt a tad bit repetitive at times but definitely not a deal breaker! I still loved it, enjoyed it, and I recommend giving this one a read! But How Are You, Really is out now!
Happy reading 📖
Thank you so much @duttonbooks #DuttonPartner for the gifted copy.
Blurb:
A burned-out bisexual confronts old demons, her estranged chosen family, and the ex she maybe shouldn’t have walked away from when she attends her five-year college reunion.
✨ My thoughts:
I read this one so fast! I love a fast read, especially if it keeps me awake all night trying to finish it. Yay for no sleep! It was the second chance romance and chosen family tropes that really sold this to me. I’m happy to report, it was just as enjoyable as I’d hoped it to be. I loved Charlotte’s character development and the friendships written in this story. I’m not going to lie, it was a little heavier than I was expecting but it’s also a heartwarming one. If I had to have just one gripe… it would be that parts of this story felt a tad bit repetitive at times but definitely not a deal breaker! I still loved it, enjoyed it, and I recommend giving this one a read! But How Are You, Really is out now!
Happy reading 📖
January 21, 2025
i did in fact eat this up!! as a bisexual who has strictly worked admin jobs since graduating WITH a college friend group i adore, i do feel as if i might have written for me
the beginning had a lil too much millennial cringe for my taste, but it settled into being less cringey as time went on. i also loved how unapologetically bisexual charlotte was?? immediately it was like "yeah i dated her and then i dated him" without some twist or big reveal or long form essay on biphobia being the Worst Injustice to the LGBTQ Community (spoiler alert, it is not). she just WAS! and passages about being a gold star gay or feeling welcome at school and NYC were beautifully and carefully written. sometimes the passages on trauma felt very circular, but that's how trauma can feel!! also loved reece. loved jackie coming in later and being a scene stealer. loved it!
the beginning had a lil too much millennial cringe for my taste, but it settled into being less cringey as time went on. i also loved how unapologetically bisexual charlotte was?? immediately it was like "yeah i dated her and then i dated him" without some twist or big reveal or long form essay on biphobia being the Worst Injustice to the LGBTQ Community (spoiler alert, it is not). she just WAS! and passages about being a gold star gay or feeling welcome at school and NYC were beautifully and carefully written. sometimes the passages on trauma felt very circular, but that's how trauma can feel!! also loved reece. loved jackie coming in later and being a scene stealer. loved it!
October 6, 2024
This book was sooooooo gooood!! And it was not at all what I expected. Yes, technically, it is a romance. But it’s also so much more than that!
There are definitely a lot of triggers in this book, so be warned before you get into it.
I got very upset with Charlotte during SEVERAL different parts, LIKE REALLY MAD, but looking back I can see how that is intentional due to its ending. I honestly wish that this book was longer because by the end I was honestly so invested and needed to know more!! Her character growth by the end was perfect and I just wish that I could’ve gotten to see more of that side to her.
There are definitely a lot of triggers in this book, so be warned before you get into it.
I got very upset with Charlotte during SEVERAL different parts, LIKE REALLY MAD, but looking back I can see how that is intentional due to its ending. I honestly wish that this book was longer because by the end I was honestly so invested and needed to know more!! Her character growth by the end was perfect and I just wish that I could’ve gotten to see more of that side to her.
January 5, 2025
Rating: 3.5 (rounded up)
A bisexual woman who is best friends with her random college roommate and had an abusive boyfriend in college - very relatable lol
What I liked: the queer rep and still being friends with your college friends even though you graduated 7 years ago
What I disliked: the lack of best friend moments and that a boy is who the MC felt so comfortable confiding in NOT her best friend
A bisexual woman who is best friends with her random college roommate and had an abusive boyfriend in college - very relatable lol
What I liked: the queer rep and still being friends with your college friends even though you graduated 7 years ago
What I disliked: the lack of best friend moments and that a boy is who the MC felt so comfortable confiding in NOT her best friend
February 14, 2025
Dawson really captured what the nostalgia for college is all about, missing your community and the people and places that made you who you are. I can't say enough good things about how the Dead, Divorced, and Otherwise Disappointing Parents group were there for each other and really challenged people to stand up for themselves. Reece and Charlotte's relationship is sweet and I hope it works out for them!
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