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Crap Towns Returns
The genuinely rough guide to Britain is back. Ten years after it first lifted the concrete slab in the garden of England, Crap Towns returns to dish the dirt on the latest planning disasters, urban blight and posh blighters disfiguring our nation.
'My friends and I once spent an evening in Thetford. Some people threw a cucumber at us.'
' the only place in the UK I've ever seen someone get on a bus and nonchalantly spark up a crack pipe.'
'Bacup long claimed to have the shortest street in Britain - Elgin Street - but recently lost the title to Ebeneezer Place, an even shorter street in Wick, to the fury of locals, who complained that the Scottish rival was only 'a corner'.'
'My friends and I once spent an evening in Thetford. Some people threw a cucumber at us.'
' the only place in the UK I've ever seen someone get on a bus and nonchalantly spark up a crack pipe.'
'Bacup long claimed to have the shortest street in Britain - Elgin Street - but recently lost the title to Ebeneezer Place, an even shorter street in Wick, to the fury of locals, who complained that the Scottish rival was only 'a corner'.'
- GenresNonfiction
162 pages, Hardcover
First published October 10, 2013
4 people are currently reading
16 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
January 6, 2020
This book was full of crap
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 25, 2025
One of the funniest used bookshop find. Literally what you’d expect from the title.
May 4, 2015
This book does exactly what it says on the cover and fans of the original Crap Towns will know what to expect.
This is the book that lays bare civic pride, the endless march of regeneration schemes which often swallow up much loved local landmarks and historic buildings in order to cover every inch of ground in huge housing estates and another mammoth shopping centre destined to be filled with empty, gone bankrupt shops. It’s not always the obvious towns that are included either; Glastonbury, Oxford, Bury St Edmunds, High Wycombe, amongst others are also in there accompanied by the trademark black and white photos and the often amusing quotes from some of the featured towns inhabitants.
An added bonus is the inclusion of illustrations by Modern Toss with some very funny observations on deals done in council chambers. As someone said to me recently, cash strapped councils just think of the resultant council tax when approving housing schemes. Not far from me is the site of a former asylum, Cane Hill, which was finally demolished in 2009. It closed in the 1990’s and became a mecca for urban explorers . But for years a battle has ensued over what to do with the site. The locals wanted a scientific park whereas the council wanted a 700 home site. Residents pointed out the traffic problems, pressure on school places etc. The council have awarded it to Barratt homes.
The battle rages on.
But what’s it like to actually live in these places? Every so often I visit Walsingham which is literally in the backwoods of Norfolk. Its claim to fame is the preponderance of religious shrines in the village. Anglican, Catholic, Greek Orthodox – you can take your pick and there’s also two ruined priories. The snowdrop walks in the grounds of one of them was exquisite but on one visit I was there towards the end of the day. The very few shops had closed; a tea shop, two shops specialising in religious items, a convenience store and a farm shop. All was deserted when suddenly out of a side street came a group of young people. Too young to drive and there didn’t appear to be much for them to do in the village. I wondered what it must be like for them to live there especially on dark winter nights.
I’ve just finished working in Croydon which makes a brief appearance in the book. The council have voted in a massive £40 million regeneration of the town centre which will swallow up the Whitgift Centre, empty office blocks and one of the few green spaces in central Croydon, the Queen’s Gardens where newly weds pose after their registry office weddings. It will of course involve endless acres of unaffordable but stunning apartment blocks and another Westfield shopping centre. Croydon is dvided up into quarters with the Old Town quarter and also the pub and bar quarter which I soon christened the loud-mouthed yahoo area. But I did manage to avoid working in the council’s showpiece new head office, Bernard Weatherill House, which wass always cold, has no space and where it was rumoured you could view warring teams each trying to annex vacant desks.
Also in this edition are towns which have managed to up their game and are no longer so crap including Morecambe and its restored Grand Hotel. Amazing that it didn’t fall victim to another instant community scheme. And Crap Towns ventures abroad –Gibraltar and Calais are also included. All I’ve seen of Calais is the duty free and hypermarket but I have been told that there’s a historic town there somewhere.
The pithy comments from some of the featured town’s residents are always enjoyable. On discussing the benighted and grim seaside town of Jaywick in Essex, Phil says ‘Jaywick sounds like something you put down the loo.’
One of my younger sisters lives in Thamesmead. She’s been there for over 10 years and when she first moved in you could see the Thames from her kitchen window. Then they started building unaffordable, desirable apartment blocks. And built. And built. For ages, whenever I went to visit, I always went a different way as another block would have sprung up. They finally had a pub around 3 years ago. A pub. Or goldmine as I call it and now that the posh deli has closed and been replaced by a Tesco Metro, a shop. That’s it. Miles of housing and nothing else. She lives on Erebus Drive. I haven’t told her yet that it’s another name for Hell.
This is the book that lays bare civic pride, the endless march of regeneration schemes which often swallow up much loved local landmarks and historic buildings in order to cover every inch of ground in huge housing estates and another mammoth shopping centre destined to be filled with empty, gone bankrupt shops. It’s not always the obvious towns that are included either; Glastonbury, Oxford, Bury St Edmunds, High Wycombe, amongst others are also in there accompanied by the trademark black and white photos and the often amusing quotes from some of the featured towns inhabitants.
An added bonus is the inclusion of illustrations by Modern Toss with some very funny observations on deals done in council chambers. As someone said to me recently, cash strapped councils just think of the resultant council tax when approving housing schemes. Not far from me is the site of a former asylum, Cane Hill, which was finally demolished in 2009. It closed in the 1990’s and became a mecca for urban explorers . But for years a battle has ensued over what to do with the site. The locals wanted a scientific park whereas the council wanted a 700 home site. Residents pointed out the traffic problems, pressure on school places etc. The council have awarded it to Barratt homes.
The battle rages on.
But what’s it like to actually live in these places? Every so often I visit Walsingham which is literally in the backwoods of Norfolk. Its claim to fame is the preponderance of religious shrines in the village. Anglican, Catholic, Greek Orthodox – you can take your pick and there’s also two ruined priories. The snowdrop walks in the grounds of one of them was exquisite but on one visit I was there towards the end of the day. The very few shops had closed; a tea shop, two shops specialising in religious items, a convenience store and a farm shop. All was deserted when suddenly out of a side street came a group of young people. Too young to drive and there didn’t appear to be much for them to do in the village. I wondered what it must be like for them to live there especially on dark winter nights.
I’ve just finished working in Croydon which makes a brief appearance in the book. The council have voted in a massive £40 million regeneration of the town centre which will swallow up the Whitgift Centre, empty office blocks and one of the few green spaces in central Croydon, the Queen’s Gardens where newly weds pose after their registry office weddings. It will of course involve endless acres of unaffordable but stunning apartment blocks and another Westfield shopping centre. Croydon is dvided up into quarters with the Old Town quarter and also the pub and bar quarter which I soon christened the loud-mouthed yahoo area. But I did manage to avoid working in the council’s showpiece new head office, Bernard Weatherill House, which wass always cold, has no space and where it was rumoured you could view warring teams each trying to annex vacant desks.
Also in this edition are towns which have managed to up their game and are no longer so crap including Morecambe and its restored Grand Hotel. Amazing that it didn’t fall victim to another instant community scheme. And Crap Towns ventures abroad –Gibraltar and Calais are also included. All I’ve seen of Calais is the duty free and hypermarket but I have been told that there’s a historic town there somewhere.
The pithy comments from some of the featured town’s residents are always enjoyable. On discussing the benighted and grim seaside town of Jaywick in Essex, Phil says ‘Jaywick sounds like something you put down the loo.’
One of my younger sisters lives in Thamesmead. She’s been there for over 10 years and when she first moved in you could see the Thames from her kitchen window. Then they started building unaffordable, desirable apartment blocks. And built. And built. For ages, whenever I went to visit, I always went a different way as another block would have sprung up. They finally had a pub around 3 years ago. A pub. Or goldmine as I call it and now that the posh deli has closed and been replaced by a Tesco Metro, a shop. That’s it. Miles of housing and nothing else. She lives on Erebus Drive. I haven’t told her yet that it’s another name for Hell.
August 6, 2016
This book is very much like a physical incarnation of the comments section on any Youtube video; mostly nonsensical, immature, rambling and incessantly whiny (which worryingly sounds like a description of my reviews).
It was funny at first but quickly became tedious, repetitive and a chore to read. The comments seemed to be vying for a "Rudest, Most Socially and Politically Incorrect" award, rather than to be comedic in a witty, factual way, which is what I was expecting when I picked it up to be perfectly honest. I did expect profanities, I mean; the book is entitled with one, but not to the extent that there is, which is virtually the entire thing.
After reading a chunk of this book over the course of a few months, I am no longer interested in what random people have to say about random cities. Into the charity box it goes.
I shall end the review by saying that I'm glad I spotted this book in Poundland, because the RRP is probably the funniest part of the entire book. Really cracked me up, that did.
It was funny at first but quickly became tedious, repetitive and a chore to read. The comments seemed to be vying for a "Rudest, Most Socially and Politically Incorrect" award, rather than to be comedic in a witty, factual way, which is what I was expecting when I picked it up to be perfectly honest. I did expect profanities, I mean; the book is entitled with one, but not to the extent that there is, which is virtually the entire thing.
After reading a chunk of this book over the course of a few months, I am no longer interested in what random people have to say about random cities. Into the charity box it goes.
I shall end the review by saying that I'm glad I spotted this book in Poundland, because the RRP is probably the funniest part of the entire book. Really cracked me up, that did.
May 22, 2014
In exactly the same vein as the earlier two books, perhaps spread a little thinner, but enjoyable anyway. Not a bad way to spend an hour or two and there's plenty of good jokes and some pretty grim photos.
October 5, 2014
Came across the website and just had to get the book.
It is a very informative book and the information on each town is really funny and is a great laugh out loud book.
It is a very informative book and the information on each town is really funny and is a great laugh out loud book.
May 2, 2023
It’s fine. The sort of book you thumb through searching for your home town, find your friend’s hometown instead, and fob it off to them as a gag gift
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews