Why I Married a Clown Girl From the Dimension of Death

by Carlton Mellick III

For over 20 years, Carlton Mellick III has been writing some of the strangest and most compelling novels the bizarro fiction genre has to offer. Described as one of the top 40 genre fiction writers under the age of 40 by The Guardian and "one of the most original novelists working today" by extreme horror legend Edward Lee, Mellick returns with an absurd horror satire about the nature of love and fear.
What if Killer Klowns From Outer Space was also a romantic comedy?
Timothy is terrified of clowns. He's always found them disturbing and creepy and weird. But now that our world is besieged by clown-like invaders from another dimension, his phobia is spiraling out of control. Timothy has no idea how to handle living in a world full of these cartoonish creatures until he meets a clown girl named Puppy Caterpillars who happens to be the cutest, sweetest girl he's ever encountered. They fall in love and Timothy believes his phobia has finally been cured. But after they get married, Timothy discovers his phobia might have been the only thing keeping him alive. Because the clowns from the dimension of death are even more terrifying and dangerous than he ever imagined and the woman that he married might just be the most horrifying creature to ever crawl out of his deepest, darkest nightmares.
Brace for an unforgettable and frightening love story from the author of Clownfellas and Cannibals of Candyland .

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Horror

128 pages, Paperback

Published November 14, 2023

About the author

Carlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.

Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.

Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.

He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.

In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.

In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.

Reviews

[Allison | crazypageturner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Timothy is terrified of clowns since he was five years old. So when portals from other worlds start popping up on Earth, of course one of them is a clown world and he sees them constantly. But he surprisingly befriends a clown girl named Puppy and his love for her grows immediately and all his clown fears are pushed aside. Over time, Puppy seems to be exuding strange behavior and is changing into the feral, scary creature he feared of all along. His love and fear for her are intermingled and soon his whole life and the whole planet are under attack from this invasive killer clown species.

Ignorant phobia or Justifiable prejudice?

I wouldn’t want to be around during “clown hour” that’s for sure….

Clowns that lay eggs….nice

Part of me feels bad for Timothy but the other part of me doesn’t. He could have probably avoided a lot of his issues had he either had better communication with Puppy, put his foot down, or just gotten rid of her altogether. But the end of this book was gunna happen anyway so….he was kinda doomed no matter what.

I enjoyed the journey of this book and even the ending which showcases real life problems in the world and how the clowns actually acted. I’m not a huge fan of the traditional scary clown plot or subject or fear as a whole but I still thought the story has its originality. How does the world deal with these clowns? You’ll have to read to find out!

[Paige Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down my favorite CM3 book yet! I absolutely loved this one!

Timothy is terrified of clowns. He always has been from a very young age. His parents would scare him on purpose and laugh about it as he grew up. Now, a grown adult, Timothy, is in therapy for his phobia of clowns and his therapist recommends he should meet her neighbor who’s a clown. His therapist insists she’s a good clown and isn’t one to be afraid or overly cautious of.

Timothy agrees but only if he can consume alcohol beforehand and during the meeting. His therapist recommends they all 3 meet up at a bar like a friendly social outing. Once they all arrive it’s not even 10 minutes in and his therapist is already leaving and basically saying that Timothy can handle it himself and she will see him at their next session.

From here on things get super intense and Timothy and Puppy, the clown girl, become boyfriend and girlfriend and things start escalating VERY quickly.

This story revolved around Timothy’s fear of clowns due to his upbringing and we learn why his parents tormented him about clowns all of his life and for good reason too. Everything starts to click and fall into place at this new realization and this story ends with Timothy still realizing that he’s still very much afraid of clowns. Trauma galore yet trauma healing? I love a good CM3 story and this one overly exceeded my expectations!

[Dean Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got it today and read it in one sitting, classic mellick style. Guy has sex with alien creature haha. Well written throughout, maybe I am becoming de-sensitised to dark themes in books but this wasn't as disturbing to be as some earlier work, despite there being some pretty grotesque imagery towards the end of the book. Worth a read if you like, clowns, spiders or being cucked.

[Todd Charlton · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is minor Mellick. This is the first one of his books I've read in a long time and it's nothing compared to his halcyon days of Zombies and Shit, The Haunted Vagina and The Egg Man.

[L.S. Popovich · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another bizarro novella from Carlton Mellick, who is nearing his 70th book. This was, like a few previous ones, an un-subtle commentary on society through the fantasy lens of clown-people invading from another dimension. It tackles questions of xenophobia, homelessness, and the current destruction of natural resources, the family unit, sex, love, marriage, fatherhood, and abusive relationships. It does this through a mature method of casting flawed characters in a humiliating and disturbing light, putting them through trials and psychological torture which mirrors or satirizes real-life issues. This writing technique epitomizes the fact that the purpose of fiction is to understand life. That we can interpret books, like dreams, with both a sense of wonder and foreboding. By dredging up the subconscious struggles and desires within us, we can forge a new path through our daily existence. We can better understand our environments through empathetic means. The abusive relationship in this novel, like the one in The Girl with Barbed-Wire Hair and several of his other books, provides a deep-perspective window into human interactions, even if the so-called female is a clown-person. The fact of the matter is he does not tread lightly on these subjects and you will be more disturbed by the inhumanity of characters than the gore or the sickening imagery. The capacity of people to harm people and to harm the environment and other creatures is the most disturbing thing I can think of. The reason Mellick's work is undeniably important is not because of his fiery imagination and the edgy, bonkers, psycho-dream vomit descriptions and video-game level world-building, it's worth reading because it opens up the wound of our human flaws for dissection. Contemplate the world through dream-logic, transform your mind into a bizarro vessel and experience an awakening from the dull products of postmodern angst and depraved bestsellers. Embrace tentaclism, and the infinite possibilities of the alternate dimensions born from the womb of our vicious longings.

[Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, CM3 has done it again. He took something scary, made it not as scary, then made it absolutely terrifying!

Timothy is horribly afraid of clowns; has been since he was a child. This fear isn't helped by a portal suddenly opening, letting clowns come to Earth from the Dimension of Death. Timothy's counselor suggests he meet one of the clowns to help get over his fear and introduces him to Puppy. Timothy quickly gets close to her, finding that she's not nearly as scary as he thought she'd be. Or is she???

I absolutely despise clowns, so the thought of a hole just opening up one day and horrifying survive-at-all-costs clowns coming through is extremely disturbing. Nah...there will be no clownpocalypse for me. No, thank you. I'll take the cat people or the robot people....literally anything else.

The relationship between Timothy and Puppy was so toxic, and I loved reading as it developed. The eggs were an interesting touch too...very reptilian. And the webs? Horrifying. I hate spiders and anything reminiscent of them. Quite literally everything about these clowns suck.

This was a fun read! I read it all in one sitting and had a great time with it. Pretty sure I scandalized some people on the train, too 😁

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Timothy has a clown phobia that is so bad that he can't work, and has to see a therapist. A clown phobia is especially bad because a gateway from another dimension (Dimension 162, the Dimension of Death, so called because it is full of predators) has opened up, leading to an influx of clowns to our world. Timothy's therapist, in an effort to help him overcome his phobia, has set him up on a date with a female clown named Puppy Caterpillars and, surprisingly, she and Timothy hit it off so well that they end up in bed together and eventually get married. Do they live happily ever after? Well, no. Timothy finds out, over a period of time, that his fear of clowns was well-founded. If you have a fear of clowns, you should not come anywhere near this book. If you don't have a fear of clowns, this book may very well give you one. And if you have a taste for bizarro fiction, this book is a prime example of that genre. Highly recommended (unless, as I said, you have a fear of clowns).

[Dutchess · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Have you ever seen clown porn from the early 2000s? If you haven't, please don't. That shit was fucked up. I still have nightmares about it." — Carlton Mellick III

Though the novel borrows far too heavily from The Cannibals of Candyland, conveniently mentioned on the cover of this book, I think it diverges enough in the final 30 or 40 pages to garner a positive rating. I just wish we had gotten more of that apocalyptic story rather than the dominatrix alien girl romance that's been played out in so many CM3 novels.

"My heart sinks into my chest and I fill with panic. I knew having unprotected sex was a problem, but I was just worried about getting some kind of weird clown STD. I wasn't thinking I might get Puppy pregnant. I guess I just assumed she was using birth control."

Just to clarify, there's no beastiality going on here. Puppy Caterpillars is the name of the clown girl from the dimension of death.

[Shevek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not the best from CM3. Everything sounds very familiar, with the plain male protagonist without any personality who is progressively seduced by a female of a species that initially disgusts him. For reasons that are beyond the logic, said protagonist agrees to do whatever is demanded by this mate. It is basically the same premise that, for example, the Tick People, but changing the context, which in this case has to do with clowns. Yet it comes from Mellick, so fun is guaranteed.

[Juno · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think it’s important to be a well-rounded reader… and I had a quota to catch up on… and I have to admit I found Baby Jesus Butt Plug diverting and inoffensive with at least some level of care put into the scares… but this was just careless. I’d call this conservative schlock, but I don’t think Carlton really has anything to say vis-a-vis contemporary racial politics, I think he just needed something to map his plot upon.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Only just found out about Carlton Mellick III, and this is the first book of his that I've read. I love clowns and I LOVED this! I was IN that world, I only wish the story had been longer. This would also make a great movie. I could visualise Puppy so clearly, I'm only disappointed I don't c*m glitter. Also, will be drinking strawberry milk with caution now.

[B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mellick never disappoints. This one was a really enjoyable read I loved the premise and the execution. As always, my only real complaint about Mellick's books is that they're so damn short - there's a world of places in this one that it could have expanded and branched out and made the current story even meatier than it already is. Ah well - time to order the next Mellick book :)

[J.W. Donley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun introduction to CM3. I look forward to checking out more.

[Ashley Dougherty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lives up to the genre. Very bizarre. I too dislike clowns and this book just sealed that phobia. And a clown that makes webs and hatches babies?!?! An absolute nightmare.

[Kristina Montoya · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is the second Carlton Mellick book I have read and i’m obsessed. I loved this one so much! I read it in one sitting. I bought more of his books and I can’t wait to read them!

[Berenice A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A coulrophobic nightmare turns a mix between The Handsome Squirm and The Caterpillar Girl by Athena Villaverde. Another great one by CM3.