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Negotiating While Black: Be Who You Are to Get What You Want
A real-world, one-of-a-kind resource for anyone who has ever been underestimated, overlooked, or misunderstood at the negotiating table—whether you’re haggling for a car, asking for a promotion, or advocating for your kids—to help you leverage your unique strengths and walk away with the best deal possible.
There’s no shortage of negotiation books that advise you to “get to yes,” urge you to “never split the difference,” and entreat you to “ask for more.” But none of them take into account the very real implicit bias in the room when a non-white, non-male negotiator sits at the table. Simply a one-size-fits-all negotiation style doesn’t work in a complex, multifaceted, multicultural world. The only constant in every negotiation is you . So you’d better learn to leverage who you are to your advantage.
Negotiating While Black is the book lawyer and mediator Damali Peterman wishes had existed as she was faced with the kind of situations that other negotiation scripts just don’t consider, like navigating workplaces where she was the only Black woman or advocating for her young son in his all-white classroom. Drawing on decades of training and experience as a negotiator in high-stakes situations, Peterman has developed successful strategies that will help you become the best communicator that you can be—like the Foundational Five skills all negotiators need, and the Negotiation Superpowers that will lift you to the next level. She also takes readers out of the boardroom and into real life, showing the application of negotiation and how everything is potentially up for discussion—from the trade-in value of your car to the permission for your kid to use the employee bathroom in the back of the store.
At every step, Peterman acknowledges that the unique way you show up in the world will impact your negotiations in all sorts of surprising ways…and that this can in fact be a good thing. Because when you show up prepared and proud of who you are, you’ll reap the rewards.
There’s no shortage of negotiation books that advise you to “get to yes,” urge you to “never split the difference,” and entreat you to “ask for more.” But none of them take into account the very real implicit bias in the room when a non-white, non-male negotiator sits at the table. Simply a one-size-fits-all negotiation style doesn’t work in a complex, multifaceted, multicultural world. The only constant in every negotiation is you . So you’d better learn to leverage who you are to your advantage.
Negotiating While Black is the book lawyer and mediator Damali Peterman wishes had existed as she was faced with the kind of situations that other negotiation scripts just don’t consider, like navigating workplaces where she was the only Black woman or advocating for her young son in his all-white classroom. Drawing on decades of training and experience as a negotiator in high-stakes situations, Peterman has developed successful strategies that will help you become the best communicator that you can be—like the Foundational Five skills all negotiators need, and the Negotiation Superpowers that will lift you to the next level. She also takes readers out of the boardroom and into real life, showing the application of negotiation and how everything is potentially up for discussion—from the trade-in value of your car to the permission for your kid to use the employee bathroom in the back of the store.
At every step, Peterman acknowledges that the unique way you show up in the world will impact your negotiations in all sorts of surprising ways…and that this can in fact be a good thing. Because when you show up prepared and proud of who you are, you’ll reap the rewards.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published June 4, 2024
13 people are currently reading
1128 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
September 23, 2024
UGH, I cannot tell you how beyond upset I am that I did not enjoy this. I am so mad because this book started strong, and then I felt like it fell apart like a cheap sweater.
Let me explain…
Negotiating While Black is divided into Part 1 and Part 2. Between the two parts, I feel like this is two different books. Part 1 is very focused on the particulars of negotiation and its application, and it reads like a business book, which I enjoyed immensely. Part 2, on the other hand, very much reads like a memoir and social justice book. It contains tactics for navigating bias and regulating emotions, which Peterman attempted to tie to the art of (formal) negotiating, but to me, it fell flat.
And even though the author is right—we do use negotiation tactics in everyday life—to me, this book should not be marketed as a business book if she was going to spend 100 pages on navigating non-business spaces while black.
She spends a lot of time talking about violence against black folks and black folks' interactions with police, citing George Floyd and Philando Castile. She talks about George Floyd so much; I swear that Part 2 should come with its own trigger warning. She also spends several pages on “The Talk” that all black parents have with their children when it comes to police…and I didn’t see the need to devote so many pages to this.
To Peterman’s credit, I see what she was trying to do. She was trying to tie in the tactics that black people employ to make others feel calm or safe or seen, such as with the police, and explain how, as a negotiator, you must enact the same tools. However, to spend all those pages on that, and the associated skills of emotional regulation and how to not be seen as a threat, and to spend NO TIME on emotional labor and the associated studies that would reflect how much emotional labor black people have to do in professional and personal spaces, whether they are negotiating or not, whether in encounters with police or not…was an ABSOLUTE MISSED opportunity.
I cannot speak for others who pick up this book, but I did not buy it for this specific subject matter. I expected more scenarios from her work as a lawyer, mediator, and negotiator and how to employ the associated practical applications in business…because this is marketed as a business book and was in the business section of Barnes and Noble.
Not to be shady. Just the facts!
Let me explain…
Negotiating While Black is divided into Part 1 and Part 2. Between the two parts, I feel like this is two different books. Part 1 is very focused on the particulars of negotiation and its application, and it reads like a business book, which I enjoyed immensely. Part 2, on the other hand, very much reads like a memoir and social justice book. It contains tactics for navigating bias and regulating emotions, which Peterman attempted to tie to the art of (formal) negotiating, but to me, it fell flat.
And even though the author is right—we do use negotiation tactics in everyday life—to me, this book should not be marketed as a business book if she was going to spend 100 pages on navigating non-business spaces while black.
She spends a lot of time talking about violence against black folks and black folks' interactions with police, citing George Floyd and Philando Castile. She talks about George Floyd so much; I swear that Part 2 should come with its own trigger warning. She also spends several pages on “The Talk” that all black parents have with their children when it comes to police…and I didn’t see the need to devote so many pages to this.
To Peterman’s credit, I see what she was trying to do. She was trying to tie in the tactics that black people employ to make others feel calm or safe or seen, such as with the police, and explain how, as a negotiator, you must enact the same tools. However, to spend all those pages on that, and the associated skills of emotional regulation and how to not be seen as a threat, and to spend NO TIME on emotional labor and the associated studies that would reflect how much emotional labor black people have to do in professional and personal spaces, whether they are negotiating or not, whether in encounters with police or not…was an ABSOLUTE MISSED opportunity.
I cannot speak for others who pick up this book, but I did not buy it for this specific subject matter. I expected more scenarios from her work as a lawyer, mediator, and negotiator and how to employ the associated practical applications in business…because this is marketed as a business book and was in the business section of Barnes and Noble.
Not to be shady. Just the facts!
July 1, 2024
This book was surprisingly good. It wasn’t surprisingly good based on what you may think, either. While I wouldn’t necessarily say the title is misleading, this book is so much more than just a book for Black people. As Damali states in the intro to this book, we all face different biases when it comes to our race, gender, sexuality, and even how we look. This book teaches you how to recognize that these biases exist and how to work with them when negotiating.
And when I say this book is much more than the title suggests, you may also think this book is about just “negotiating good deals” or “negotiating a larger salary”. While both of these topics are absolutely in this book, Damali understands that our everyday lives are filled with negotiations. For example, when we’re in a dispute with someone we know or even a stranger, it’s a negotiation. Basically, negotiating is whenever we’re trying to get our needs met.
I can’t sing this book’s praises enough. My hope for this book is that the title doesn’t turn people away from it because just about everyone can benefit from it. Books that are filled with anecdotal evidence rather than hard science typically turn me off. But this is one of the rare books that doesn’t need science because the author has such great suggestions that it’s hard to argue with them.
And when I say this book is much more than the title suggests, you may also think this book is about just “negotiating good deals” or “negotiating a larger salary”. While both of these topics are absolutely in this book, Damali understands that our everyday lives are filled with negotiations. For example, when we’re in a dispute with someone we know or even a stranger, it’s a negotiation. Basically, negotiating is whenever we’re trying to get our needs met.
I can’t sing this book’s praises enough. My hope for this book is that the title doesn’t turn people away from it because just about everyone can benefit from it. Books that are filled with anecdotal evidence rather than hard science typically turn me off. But this is one of the rare books that doesn’t need science because the author has such great suggestions that it’s hard to argue with them.
October 2, 2024
A few years ago, I was online, following along with a noted social media serialpreneur and motivator, as he was giving some tips that would help people find funding for their ideas. I forget exactly what he said, but he was detailing something about one of his early deals and the negotiations that led there, and I said in the chat something to the effect of "that only works if you're white." He saw that and responded with something along the lines of "it only doesn't work if you're weak." He then went in on people who "always have someone to blame for their failure" and the rest of his followers came after me. It was a mess.
I am not a professional negotiator, but I did go to law school, I did take a year-long Dispute Resolution Clinic, I then went back to law school some years later for another kind of legal degree where I had to take a negotiations class replete with simulations, and I work in a field where mediations are a regular part and parcel of what I do. I mention all this so I can reinforce that I've read a decent number of books and watched a good number of videos of negotiation, communication, relationship management, etc. Even a bunch of books on entreprenurship, lifestyle design, all that stuff. And while there is always something to be learned from anything, I have often found myself shaking my head and saying "nope, that particular piece of advice is not for black faces. Wouldn't work."
And that's why I loved this book, because it didn't gaslight me into beleiving that the world is one big equal opportunity and that anyone who doesn't take advantage is just lazy or looking for someone to blame for their failure. Damali, who is an accomplished and noted high-level nogotiator and law professor, uses her experience and dives into the research to show that negotiating while black is not the same as negotiating while white. The baseline is different. How you can be perceived is different, and thus how you can be treated is different.
She also dives into the research to show that so much of negotiation is based on the ability of the parties to find common ground, and one obstacle to getting there before negotiations can even take place is implicit and explicit biases that often lead to BIPOC and/or LGBTQ+ people being labeled as "different" or "other." Once you have been othered, it is very hard to move forward together to a resolution that equally serves everyone involved.
I know a lot of people who, in response to these barriers and obstacles, have tried to minimize their blackness and their "otherness" in order to facilitate professional gains. Damali again dives into the research to show why this is not the best path forward professionally or personally, primarily because once you present a certain image of yourself, you'll just make it harder for yourself later in life when you can't keep the mask on.
I enjoyed this book because of its authenticity. Nowhere in here does the author say that being black, or being LGBTQ+, or being anything else, will keep you from getting what you want. She just includes a playbook that helps you understand that getting there, wherever 'there' is for you, might just look a little different. The bulk of the advice comes down to variations of what I mentioned above, having to find common ground with the people you are in the room with. You will have to humanize yourself to humanize them, you will have to go the extra mile to find the common ground. I of course, and engaging in a lot of generalization because I'm summarizing an entire book in a few paragraphs, but she really does offer a lot of tips that will help increase anyone's cultural competency, and then use that competency to be successful in life, because all of life is a negotiation.
Reading this book reminded me of my first week at a new job, many years ago. I was sitting around a table at a luncheon with a lot of other people, some of whom were also new. I was the only black person there, and we were from all over. While we were waiting on things to get started, one person turned their cup over and started tapping it. Then everyone else started doing it in the exact same way, and I couldn't figure out what I was missing. I thought they had all learned this at something I missed during my onboarding week. But nope, turns out it's just the 'cup game,' something they all had in their common lexicon that I did not. Rather than excluding myself, I learned the game then and there, because it's simple, and soon I was tapping my cup and passing it over to the next person just like everyone else. Once I learned to 'speak the same language' as everyone else, getting to the same endpoint was easy.
And that's what a large part of the book is about, realizing that you will walk into a lot of rooms where the other parties are speaking a different language than you're used to, and there are tools at your disposal to convince them that you too can play the game. I borrowed this from the library, but I'm going to order my own copy. It's that good.
I am not a professional negotiator, but I did go to law school, I did take a year-long Dispute Resolution Clinic, I then went back to law school some years later for another kind of legal degree where I had to take a negotiations class replete with simulations, and I work in a field where mediations are a regular part and parcel of what I do. I mention all this so I can reinforce that I've read a decent number of books and watched a good number of videos of negotiation, communication, relationship management, etc. Even a bunch of books on entreprenurship, lifestyle design, all that stuff. And while there is always something to be learned from anything, I have often found myself shaking my head and saying "nope, that particular piece of advice is not for black faces. Wouldn't work."
And that's why I loved this book, because it didn't gaslight me into beleiving that the world is one big equal opportunity and that anyone who doesn't take advantage is just lazy or looking for someone to blame for their failure. Damali, who is an accomplished and noted high-level nogotiator and law professor, uses her experience and dives into the research to show that negotiating while black is not the same as negotiating while white. The baseline is different. How you can be perceived is different, and thus how you can be treated is different.
She also dives into the research to show that so much of negotiation is based on the ability of the parties to find common ground, and one obstacle to getting there before negotiations can even take place is implicit and explicit biases that often lead to BIPOC and/or LGBTQ+ people being labeled as "different" or "other." Once you have been othered, it is very hard to move forward together to a resolution that equally serves everyone involved.
I know a lot of people who, in response to these barriers and obstacles, have tried to minimize their blackness and their "otherness" in order to facilitate professional gains. Damali again dives into the research to show why this is not the best path forward professionally or personally, primarily because once you present a certain image of yourself, you'll just make it harder for yourself later in life when you can't keep the mask on.
I enjoyed this book because of its authenticity. Nowhere in here does the author say that being black, or being LGBTQ+, or being anything else, will keep you from getting what you want. She just includes a playbook that helps you understand that getting there, wherever 'there' is for you, might just look a little different. The bulk of the advice comes down to variations of what I mentioned above, having to find common ground with the people you are in the room with. You will have to humanize yourself to humanize them, you will have to go the extra mile to find the common ground. I of course, and engaging in a lot of generalization because I'm summarizing an entire book in a few paragraphs, but she really does offer a lot of tips that will help increase anyone's cultural competency, and then use that competency to be successful in life, because all of life is a negotiation.
Reading this book reminded me of my first week at a new job, many years ago. I was sitting around a table at a luncheon with a lot of other people, some of whom were also new. I was the only black person there, and we were from all over. While we were waiting on things to get started, one person turned their cup over and started tapping it. Then everyone else started doing it in the exact same way, and I couldn't figure out what I was missing. I thought they had all learned this at something I missed during my onboarding week. But nope, turns out it's just the 'cup game,' something they all had in their common lexicon that I did not. Rather than excluding myself, I learned the game then and there, because it's simple, and soon I was tapping my cup and passing it over to the next person just like everyone else. Once I learned to 'speak the same language' as everyone else, getting to the same endpoint was easy.
And that's what a large part of the book is about, realizing that you will walk into a lot of rooms where the other parties are speaking a different language than you're used to, and there are tools at your disposal to convince them that you too can play the game. I borrowed this from the library, but I'm going to order my own copy. It's that good.
August 25, 2025
3.5/5 stars (audiobook),
I was a little disappointed with this read as it read as a general advice/self help book when the title made me believe the focus was more on the advancement of Black people/women.
There are some good nuggets in here about navigating work place negotiations and general life conflict resolution. I did enjoy her advice on having “the talk” with young Black kids.
I would only recommend this if you’re actively in need of some advice on negotiations or in a mood for a self help book.
Thank you to Penguin Group Putnam and NetGalley for the advance reader copy. This is my honest review.
I was a little disappointed with this read as it read as a general advice/self help book when the title made me believe the focus was more on the advancement of Black people/women.
There are some good nuggets in here about navigating work place negotiations and general life conflict resolution. I did enjoy her advice on having “the talk” with young Black kids.
I would only recommend this if you’re actively in need of some advice on negotiations or in a mood for a self help book.
Thank you to Penguin Group Putnam and NetGalley for the advance reader copy. This is my honest review.
May 23, 2024
The main idea of the book, written by an attorney and lecturer, is that when one is at a disadvantage in negotiations, specifically due to race but also sometimes other factors, some of the textbook techniques for negotiating do not work. What the book contained was excellent as far as it went . The author covers some really important points early in such as, have you distinguished between your wants and your needs in the situation? Have you considered what the negotiator for the other side most wants and whether there are days to give them that without sacrificing your own main objectives? There is a lot of good material here but like most business-focused books I found the examples and their simplicity really starting to grate in me by about halfway through. I would recommend this book but I would also recommend skimming sections first to find what you find interesting or relevant.
July 13, 2024
A roadmap to negotiation with personal style, compassion,
self-awareness, and strength: with a dose of cool computar and humor thrown in! Damali has written a book that should be mandatory reading for everyone interested in learning how to negotiate challenging conversations, conflict or contracts. She brings her decades of professional experience and educational expertise to bear.
I particularly appreciated her careful breakdown of “The Talk” for caretakers of black children, and how she gives age appropriate advice on how to address police in tense situations. Her real world experience working with police and students is reflected in her grounded and thoughtful advice. I plan to gift to many I love, and also to my kids’ schools.
self-awareness, and strength: with a dose of cool computar and humor thrown in! Damali has written a book that should be mandatory reading for everyone interested in learning how to negotiate challenging conversations, conflict or contracts. She brings her decades of professional experience and educational expertise to bear.
I particularly appreciated her careful breakdown of “The Talk” for caretakers of black children, and how she gives age appropriate advice on how to address police in tense situations. Her real world experience working with police and students is reflected in her grounded and thoughtful advice. I plan to gift to many I love, and also to my kids’ schools.
April 2, 2025
The title of this book is actually quite misleading. It is only in Chapters 7 and 8 that specific strategies for Blacks to negotiate are shared. I found the book somewhat simplistic in its tactics for negotiations. Perhaps because I have been in high profile negotiations throughout my professional career. There is good advice given throughout the book though.
April 20, 2025
I think this was a great framing for people who feel they have a disadvantage when negotiating. The book is certianly general enough to be a guide on how to communicate clearly with others, while maintaining a sense of inegrity. I enjoyed the book about halfway through which is where I got to pieces that I felt were most salient to me (triggers and reframing).
February 17, 2025
Realistic! Very in-depth about the issues that can come up in modern times as a person of color-would also say anyone that necessarily isn’t one can still learn something!
March 23, 2025
read for my negotiations class. learned a lot
October 9, 2025
A very useful primer on negotiating, using tools to overcome implicit bias, whether you’re black, or female, or indeed anything other than a straight white male!
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews