Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map

by Sam R. Hamburg

Am I with the right person?
Will our love last?

Men and women in love are haunted by these questions. Love -- especially why it blossoms in relationships and why it later dies -- is a mystery to them. Will Our Love Last? A Couple's Road Map solves this mystery by giving readers a new understanding of love -- an understanding they can actually use to evaluate the soundness of their relationships and to answer confidently the crucial questions that mystified them before.
Based on hundreds of cases in his twenty-four years as a marital therapist and twenty-nine years in his own happy marriage, Sam R. Hamburg, Ph.D., explains how compatibility is the key to lasting love. He shows how compatibility on three major dimensions -- the Practical Dimension, the Sexual Dimension, and the Wavelength Dimension -- is essential to the mutual understanding and affirmation that keep love alive, and he leads readers through a simple but systematic procedure for assessing their compatibility with a romantic partner in these crucial relationship areas.
Dr. Hamburg introduces a new technique, The Hand Rotation Exercise, to help readers express their degree of compatibility and then convey that visually to their partner. In addition, he presents two new original techniques for working through relationship conflicts and coming to agreement on difficult issues: His Way/Her Way and The Long Conversation.
Written in a clear, direct style that is free of jargon, Will Our Love Last? empowers readers to make important relationship decisions that are intellectually and emotionally informed. Will Our Love Last? will help couples trying to decide if they should take the next step to a more committed relationship. It will aid individuals embarking on a new relationship, or who are between relationships, to evaluate the rightness of a new or prospective partner. And it will assist people who are already in committed relationships to make an honest assessment of their prospects for happiness with their current partner.
People have it in their power to make sure that they truly are with the right person. Will Our Love Last? shows the way.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Marriage

240 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 15, 2000

Reviews

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a real gem - a diamond in the rough. Integrating his marriage counseling experience, common sense, and some decision-making utilizing intuition along with several other factors, the author's central premise is compatibility. He manages to keep things pretty simple by looking at three different dimensions: the practical dimension, the sexual dimension, and the wavelength dimension.

Throughout Will Our Love Last?, Hamburg treads a very interesting path, carefully reconciling a very interesting duality surrounding marriage: He certainly isn’t naïve about the realities of love, however he's also not part of the fashionable marriage cynics or those who fail to process undigested emotional pain in order to learn their lessons – and thereby inaccurately account for their own negative biases.

Furthermore, Hamburg manages to do something which I have yet to see any other marital therapist do; he does not bash romantic love as merely an illusion and/or “inauthentic”, reducing it merely to hormones and relegating it solely to the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Instead, he offers a very practical and unique perspective on romantic love, grounded in possible evolutionary origins – which admittedly is speculation on his part.


While John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is widely considered the gold standard among marital therapy books (in many ways rightly so), Hamburg's book is refreshing in that it lacks the overall sterile and clinical stance found in Gottman’s work.

In closing, I will say this book is for grown-ups only; children need not apply. Sam Hamburg offers some very wise, practical, and unconventional advise in this book. In short, he manages to maintain a grown-up and realistic yet wonderful stance toward romantic love and marriage. Highly Recommended.

[Sunny Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Religion: With Love get married but Without True Love Get Divorced



Christianity

In order to seek for truth, we have to depend on religions in the beginning because other ways to truth are not open to the world. After my enlightenment, I did read the Old Testament and the New Testament. To my great surprise, the two bible are quite different for me. I could never find any connection point between the two. I have never read the bibles before, and I have no other preconception on Christianity and the bibles. Moreover, I was not accustomed to reading books until that time. There must be a fixed way in reading like all the other human activities. I had no such a habitual reading practice at all. So, I can read the bibles in my sane consciousness. The features or attributes of the two bibles are far from each other. So, I started to find the hidden stories of Jesus. There are unknown gospels which were forbidden to orthodox Christianity. It was quite interesting!

My love You, let's think of 'Soul Mate' for a while as a rest. Have you ever thought about two persons who can be soul mate? There are so many girls who are looking for their soul mate in the members. For me, it was quite strange how they could find a soul mate. I have heard about 'soul mate,' which means the pair of the two souls which were a pair in a previous existence. I don't know if they are looking for this soul mate. However, who knows his or her pair? Then, what is the meaning of soul mate? I think, to become a soul mate, the two have the same soul. Do you think it is possible? Then, how?

I think any two persons can be friends with each other even between a woman and man. People can get along well no matter whomever they are, wherever they live in, during a relatively short period of time. There are no problems at all even though they are quite different in characters, growth backgrounds, age, nationalities etc. They can enjoy friendship in any differences because they can join in any meeting for a short time, but soon they may return to their places. However, basically friends are to share the same interests or pleasures when they are together. One can yield to the friend's interest one time expecting his turn next time. But he can't continuously give up his interest to any friends. For close friendship, they have to share the same interests or hobbies. Look around your friends. Who are the best friends? Good friends are those who can share many interests, and best friends are those who can share even the very secret parts willingly. Well, we can still keep friendship with those who have been sharing time long like a childhood chum. They don't need to share every thing every day.

I don't see many couples who become friends with each other. There are so many couples who can't get along well even though they are wife and husband, because they have nothing to share. A couple can enjoy sexual relations unlike friends. Being a marital couple will give them a better chance to be intimate, to become close. As you know well, bodily communication will be the strongest means of becoming close relation. Then, why couldn't a couple be well with each other? That is because they are different in general affairs and spiritual aspects of life. There is so much, and long time to share between couples in a day, in a month or year, and during the marital life. They can't get along well even though they satisfy with sexual relations because they can share nothing for much time of a day. So, in order to get along well for long time, the couple should share many interests and time. And the love of a couple doesn't last long when different in spiritual aspect even though a couple fit together in general and sexual aspects of life. Well, I think that's because man is originally spiritual existence. The book, 'Will Our Love Last?' explains this well. Therefore, they will be a good marital couple if a couple can become friends with each other. To become good friends means to share many interests and hobbies.

For this time, let's think about our case. Can we become good friends after we get married? It will be a good chance to foresee our marital life how it will be like. You and I are share the interest of watching movies, reading books only as you see in my blog: blog.naver.com/myinglife/22028965**52. Well, yoga and meditation will be somewhat similar, but in different places. Not many interests, do you agree with me?

My great whishes are becoming great spiritual existence and writing great books if possible, for which I have to spend much time practicing meditation and reading books and writing. On the contrary, I don't know exactly what you like most, but besides reading and watching movie, you seems to be fond of going to gym, doing yoga, travelling, shopping, growing flowers.

It seems that you don't like reading books much. Actually, I really like reading very much, I can't live without it even though I can live without movie. So, we can't share much time together. We have to develop some common interests to share much time together and thus become close friends. Of course, a couple don't need to necessarily become friends. Sometimes, it' better to let the partner have freedom to enjoy her or his own specialties.

Among the three factors of life, I think the spiritual aspect is most important in marital life because other two aspects are just necessary for leading ordinary daily life and flesh pleasure sometimes. As you know well from my writing on mediation, the mind (controlling) is so important in one's life and mind means spirit in this context. We have to keep peaceful mind well to live happily. We can't satisfy with life fully when our spiritual aspect is not developed in full blossom. It's because human being is spiritual existence.

I have experienced this very much. I and my late wife had nothing in common for spiritual life. She had no interest in spiritual growth at all whereas I had deep interest and attention in the development of spirit. I felt much futility in our conjugality. Moreover, we were quite different in general affairs. She was an extrovert and I am rather introverted. Well, honestly speaking, I am not so much fond of sexual relation. She also was not such a type indulged in sexual pleasure. In general, we were not a well matched couple. I guess that she might not be satisfied with our marital life even though I tried to do my best to love her based on true love

A platonic love is based on this spiritual relation. And a true love starts from this spiritual aspect of life. That is related with spiritual aspect if we talk about growth, self-development and advance in consciousness. When I was young before my enlightenment, I had so many friends and acquaintances because I like friends very much. I think, I were getting along with them because I liked people in nature. I, however, lost much interests in sociable relations because I couldn't feel much pleasure from those repeated, boring, ordinary activities such as drinking, playing games, just talking past memories etc. I had never heard about any meaningful spiritual things in the conversation with them. So, I stopped all such relationship since then, and I had been looking for new friends who can share spiritual intimacy. Well, now I am meeting just a very few acquaintances. I was totally changed after my enlightenment.

You must be disappointed at my current state of pursuing spiritual things only, or worry about me how you could get along well with me, right? You are right if you are much interested in ordinary things like other people, and if you seek for the pleasures from materials and sex. What do you think about this big difference? You have to be changed in the spiritual being, otherwise I have to get back to the past ordinary life enjoying pleasures from boring, tedious, meaningless, and unpleasant activities if we want to get along well. This is the big problem between us after getting married. Do you agree with me? This is the time that we have to reap to a step higher level of love, the true love. Actually, many people are different from each other in many aspects of interests, hobbies, characters and growth backgrounds, and they are apt not to get along with each other. This is rather a truth in the life of married couples. They don't know what to do. So they manage to get along without love, live apart or get divorced finally. They try to find other well-fit pair, but it's not easy, it may be impossible from the first because there are no perfectly well-matched partner. Anyway, they have to experience the procedure once again even though they find a better life partner, and get married again. No difference at all. They will repeat the circle of meeting, getting married and breaking up even though they get married luckily several times. They will circulate the exact process continuously unless they grow in their spirit and go the another good of love: the True Love.


2nd Revising: 2016 06/21 22:55~23:25



-*-*-*- To Be Continued -*-*-*-

[Farid Ahmadian · Rating 4 out of 5]

گمگشته‌ی عشق

زن جوانی به نام جین روی کاناپه در اتاق مشاوره من مینشیند. کت‌وشلوار پشمی خوشدوختی به تن دارد و قیافه خشک و در هم رفته زنی موفق در کارو حرفه، که البته چنین هم هست. جین پریشان و گریان است، همچنان که میگرید، موهای بلند و راستش بر چهره‌اش میریزند. میان هق‌هق هایش اینچنین میگوید:

نمیدانم که باب را هنوز دوست دارم یا نه. ولی چرا نباید داشته باشم؟ او هیچ عیبی ندارد. خوشتیپ، با‌ملاحظه، با‌ادب، سخت کوش و موفق است. از خانواده با‌اعتبار است. میدانم که آن اوایل عاشقانه او را دوست داشتم … فکر کنم. ولی حالا که پنج سال از ازدواجمان گذشته قضیه جور دیگری است. و بعد این یارو جیم، در محل کارم. میدانم که به من علاقه‌مند است. و من آن قدر شیفته او شدم که مقاومت در برابر او روز به روز سخت‌تر میشود. او به خوش‌تیپی باب نیست، با این همه وقتی نزدیک او هستم، وقتی به او فکر میکنیم، کشش جنسی زیادی حس میکنم. و وقتی با هم حرف میزنیم، حس میکنم که خیلی با او جور هستم. فکر کنم عاشق او شدم، ولی نباید می‌شدم.

مانند بسیاری از مردم، زناشوییده یا نازناشوییده، جین هم گم‌گشته‌ی عشق است. او می‌داند که عشق چه‌گونه احساسی است، ولی نمی‌داند که عشق چی‌ست. او نمیتواند به درستی بگوید که چرا عشق در دل‌اش می‌شکفد و چرا می‌پژمرد. از آن جا که گم‌گشته‌ی عشق است، نمی‌تواند به یک پرسش زندگی‌بخش پاسخ دهد، پرسشی که پاسخ‌اش گذرگاه آینده زندگی او را روشن خواهد ساخت: آیا من با آدم درستی هستم؟



آیا عشق ِ ما پایدار خواھد بود؟

کتاب حاضر مجموع سالها تجربه دکتر هامبورگ در مواجهه با زوجین مختبف هست و درش به یک چهارچوب ای رسیده که با ما به اشتراک میزاره.

در این چهارچوب ما تناسب با شخص مقابلمون رو از سه جهت مورد بررسی قرار میدیم:

فضای ذهنی مشابه
عادات زندگی روزانه سازگار
کشش جسمانی و جنسی کافی


فضای ذهنی مشابه

نشانگر فضای ذهنی مشابه رو میتونیم توانایی صحبت طولانی مدت با هم بدونیم، اینکه بدون هیچ تلاش خاصی بتونیم با هم صحبت های طولانی مدت داشته باشیم.

عادات زندگی روزانه سازگار

بذارید با یه مثال شروع کنم، مثلا شما آدمی هستی که هفته ای یک بار میری حمام ولی طرف مقابلت آدمی هست که روزی یک بار میره حمام! آدمی هستی که به بهداشت دهان بشدت حساسی و روزی چندین بار نخ دندون و مسواک میزنی ولی طرف مقابلت شبی یک بار مسواک رو هم کافی میدونه، اینها میتونه مشکل ساز بشه.

در یک خاطره ای که شنیدم دوستی با شخص موردنظرش، کلی رفت و امد کافی شاپی داشت ولی در اولین سفرشون که رفتن خونه دوستشون، طرف از دوستم خواسته بود برم حمام و دستشویی رو کامل بشوره تا اون بتونه استحمام کنه و تازه دوست من متوجه همچین وسواسی در طرف مقابلش شده بوده!

کشش جسمانی و جنسی کافی

این مورد با توجه به فرهنگ ما شاید سخت ترین مورده ولی شاید بشه این شکلی فرمولش کرد که به اون حسی که اولین بار داشتید اعتماد کنید، این که در نگاه اول چقدر طرف مقابل براتون خواستنی بوده، صفر تا صد یه عددی بدید و اگه دو مورد بالا براتون کاملا حل شده هست، این مورد با امتیاز بالای شصت قابل قبوله.

باید توجه داشت که این مورد بسیار حساسه، مخصوصا در فرهنگ ما، ولی خوب تا جایی که میشه باید مواردی که برای شما خط قرمز هستن رو چک کنید، مثلا اگر انسانی با بویایی قوی و حساس هستید باید اجازه بخواهید طرف مقابل رو بو کنید، یا اگر موارد خاص جسمانیی برای شما بسیار حساس هست و به علت فرهنگ و جامعه امکان چک مستقیم اون رو ندارید از آشنایان مورد اعتماد هم جنس طرف مقابلتون کمک بخواهید و با در جریان گذاشتن طرف مقابلتون از ترس ها و مواردی که مهم هستن براتون، به یه راه حل میانی میرسید برای چک کردن اون موارد.
توجه داشته باشید که این قسمت بر این فرض استوار هست که شما در ایران زندگی میکنید و مقید به محدودیت های فرهنگی این جامعه هستید.


دوستم در حال ترجمه کتاب با اجازه نویسندش هست و تونستیم برای دریافت اولین قسمت ترجمه به صورت رایگان صفحه ای بسازیم:
https://love.pathseeker.ir/

[Michael Lewyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hamburg focuses on physical issues, practical compatibility (day-to-day teamwork) and what he calls "wavelength compatibility" (that is, broader ways of looking at the world, and similarity of opinions on big issues such as religion). As he points out, if your prospective mate flunks on all three criteria, further communication and hard work will only make it clearer that he or she is not a good match.

My only real quarrel with Hamburg so far is his suggestions about which issues couples must resolve before being married. For example, he thinks that a couple should decide before marriage whether to have a "traditional marriage" (i.e. one where the male earns most of the money) or a more egalitarian mrriage. I am not sure that one can know in advance how "traditional" one's marriage can be; presumably most reasonable couples would move towards a less traditional marriage if the spouses' earning power is roughly equal, but towards a more traditional marriage if one spouse's economic contribution turns out to be minimal.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read that really can help you assess current, past or possible future commited relationships. It gives you tools in the shape of language to express and find different types of compability or non-compability.
As a reader from another culture, it gets very clear sometimes that it is written in a different context, as the view of marriage is different where I'm from, so the view of marriage described in the book is not completely relatable at times. One way in how this manifests is its strict focus on heterosexual relationships only. However, it is written from the perspective of being human rather than being a gender, and as such it is still an interesting read for people with any sexual orientation. It contains thoughts and concepts that can be applied to all types of commited relationships, not just marriages.

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most practical and useful book I've read about evaluating relationships and determining compatibility. Hamburg is able to make the book approachable and not too technical while also bringing in a lot of detail from his long career as a counselor. Highly recommend.

[Ivan M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether in a committed relationship or in search of the next, this book will give you the tools to have a candid conversation with yourself about the person you want in your romantic life.

[Amber · Rating 2 out of 5]

So I started reading this book because I read the article "The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates" which was about a college course that uses this book as one of its texts.

The article said:

"Yet, despite how often we hear about the importance of good communication, even the best communication skills won’t help a couple that sees the world completely differently. One of the texts used in the course, Will Our Love Last? by Sam R. Hamburg, argues that people can be incredibly proficient communicators, yet never see eye to eye because they simply can’t understand how their partner can hold a position they see as untenable. "For people to be happy in their marriage they must be able to understand not just what their partner is saying, but the experience behind the words," writes Hamburg. If partners are unable to do that, "they cannot understand what it’s like to be their partner—to understand their partner empathically—and the best communication in the world won’t help."

Sounds good, right? As someone who's obsessed with interpersonal communication and personal growth I was all over it. I have definitely been guilty of believing I could communicate my way out of any relationship problem.

Sam Hamburg makes a lot of arguments that I'm very on board with, but then he'll turn around and shove people and ideas into ridged categories that hardly apply to everyone. I find myself having a hard time pigeonholing my own relationships into his framework, and I also find that there are a lot of things he claims will absolutely cause drama that aren't much of an issue for me. (Of course, I'm polyamorous, so maybe that accounts for it? I feel like if his advice was solid that wouldn't even matter though.)

For me this book really went off the deep end in the sexual compatibility chapter where he acts as if non-monogamy is the exact same thing as cheating and that "victims" of non-monogamous relationships experience anguish that's on par with torture victims. All this right after he just got through saying that it's normal to constantly be meeting people you want to have sex with. Like, I'm actually non-monogamous and I definitely don't meet that many people I want to sleep with so...okay dude.

Also, this book is all about finding the right person to marry (and have kids with) instead of simply being about partner selection and that irks me. I don't want to marry or have kids, but I do want healthy relationships, so why exclude me as part of the audience?

But this book is the first book I've ever read that focuses on compatibility and partner selection over communication and I find that valuable, because most advice these days focuses solely on communication so it's kind of hard to see that maybe better communication isn't the solution: it's to break up and find someone else.

I don't think this book is a complete throw-away, but I have a really hard time endorsing it because of all the things I think are wrong with it. I would categorize it as a "take with a grain of salt" read.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written by one of my clinical supervisors. That bias being acknowledged, I'll try to be as unbiased as possible. :) This book has some very useful information on compatibility--specifically three main areas: practical, wavelength, and sexual. The best and "easiest" marriages have high degrees of compatibility on all three, marriages that struggle but can still "work" well for some may only have two areas, while marriages doomed to fail typically only have one (often it's sexual if there's only one).

There are a few claims associated with this that I disagree with (e.g., good marriages are *not* hard work), but overall this is worth the read for couples who are dating and may be considering marriage or more commitment. It may help out those who are already committed or married to better understand some of their conflict.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The marketers for this book should be fired, because based on the title, it sounds like cheesy, crappy, self-help shlock. But it's not. It's actually a quite intelligent and sensible discourse on romantic relationships. It's a must-read for anyone who is considering getting married, particularly if you have even the slightest doubt in your mind. If you've already gotten married and think you've made a mistake, you should probably skip this. Unless you're really desperate for confirmation that you're an idiot.

[Filis (Cadar) Omer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good insight about how to choose the right partner, what is working or not in the long term. The main idea of the book is that there are 3 pillars of compatibility between partners:
1. compatibility on practical things
2. sexual compatibility
3. same wavelength compatibility
Ideal relationships have all 3 and good ones can have 2. The book offers some practical advice for those who are already married or on their way to the altar and urges to make sure you don't have doubts when you do marry.

[Danny Ritter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent analysis of what makes marriage work from the point of view of a marriage counselor. The author's ideas were new to me, but they have shaped the way I analyze my own relationships and have helped me narrow down exactly what it is that I am looking for in a potential spouse.

At times, the writing got pretty dry, especially during the "practical dimension" section, and I don't know if I really go for his "hand rotation" technique, but overall I still found the book very helpful.

[Brian Siemers · Rating 5 out of 5]

alot of good in here if you are wondering how/why you have arrived at your current situation/stage in life. Great food for thought whether you are in a realtionship or not

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book played a fundamental role in the evolution of the way in which I view the concepts of love, monogamy, marriage, and long-term commitment.