Loving Your Adult Children: The Heartache of Parenting and the Hope of the Gospel

by Gaye B. Clark

Gospel-Centered Framework for Navigating Relationships with Adult Children As kids grow, so do the pains of parenthood. Patterns of miscommunication and resentment can cause damage over the years, leaving parents and adult children with a fractured relationship. Confused, hurt, and sometimes angry, moms and dads can struggle to know where to turn for help and where to look for hope.  With grace and empathy, author Gaye B. Clark comes alongside readers bearing the weight of parenthood. Encouraging readers to view themselves as image bearers of God first and parents second, Clark shifts readers’ focus to their relationship with Christ while showing how the relationship between parent and child can be a catalyst for understanding the gospel.  Loving Your Adult Children  examines the fruit of the Spirit in relation to parenting adult children, offers study questions for reflection, and shows how walking with God is the best next step for struggling parents.  

Genres: Parenting, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Christian, Family

176 pages, Paperback

Published May 7, 2024

Reviews

[Neil R. Coulter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loving Your Adult Children received an Award of Merit from Christianity Today this year in their annual book awards, and the title caught my interest, since that’s the phase of parenting I’m in. I don’t have many struggles in loving my children right now, and I’m grateful that they all enjoy being with us and continue to follow Jesus in adulthood. But I can always learn to be better, so I looked forward to checking out Gaye Clark’s book.

For the first chapter or two, I thought the book was fine but not life-changing. But as I kept reading (listening to the audiobook), it somehow worked its way deeper and deeper into me, totally stopping me in my tracks numerous times. Using the fruit of the spirit as a general structure, Clark presents insightful expositions of a lot of Bible passages. As she did so, with this lens of loving one’s adult children, she brought out nuances that I hadn’t seen in quite that way before, even though the stories were all so familiar. By the end of the book, I was captivated, changed, and a bit weepy.

I think Clark’s title almost does a disservice to the book. Yes, its focus is on parenting adults well, but it’s about so much more—every stage of parenting, every kind of relationship, and, most of all, about taking a deep look at yourself and finding the areas of life in which you think someone else is hurting you, but you discover it actually has a lot to do with something about yourself. One of my favorite moments in the book has little to do with parenting specifically at all. Clark draws on something by Tim Keller to caution us against confusing natural giftings with the fruit of the spirit. In examining our character, we need to be incisive in discerning where we’re developing true Christlike character, and where we are instead merely being the people we find it easiest to be (especially if our natural tendency happens to align with a fruit of the spirit). I didn’t say it as well as Clark and Keller did, but in their words, it has really made me think.

Throughout the book, Clark shares stories of her own ups and downs in parenting—mistakes most parents can relate to, and successes that show us a difficult relationship can change—as well as stories of other people she has known who have come through struggles in being a parent or a child. For me, the personal narrative portions were just right for the scope of this book, and each one was well chosen for the chapter in which it was placed.

Loving Your Adult Children presents so much wisdom, challenge, and encouragement in all aspects of enjoying relationships, I would almost recommend it to people who don’t have children at all; estrangement and hurt are not limited to parent–child relationships. But I would definitely give a copy to parents at any stage of life. I’ll be going back to it again soon myself.

Note on the audiobook: The reader has a great voice for this book, but I found her pace extremely slow. Setting the audio at 1.2x or 1.3x speed felt perfect to me.

[Linda Filcek · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book using the fruits of the Spirit to discuss the challenges of being a parent to adult kids. The emphasis here is not on the adult children but on the parent’s heart and I appreciated reading her insight shared from both her experience and scripture.

[Patty Betts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish someone would have given me this book when my first child was born! I really enjoyed this book and found the wisdom of Gaye B. Clark so profound! We must remember that we as parents bring our sin into parenting (we are human) and therefore, we must care for our horizontal relationships, especially our children with seeking and nurturing and resting in our vertical relationship with Jesus first. Filtering our responses and reactions to our children by taking that situation we are having with our child and asking ourselves - how would or does my Heavenly Father respond or treat me when I do that to Him! That is very empowering for me. We only have our children for a time, they do not belong to us - they belong to the Lord. We must trust that the Lord loves them more than we do and He has them, our family’s and our situations. We can only do that by having a very intimate vertical relationships where we can hear, see and abide in His words…He is where hope is to be found and joy and peace. He is faithful - He’s the perfect parent who will guide us “not perfect” parents. We just need to look into the face of Jesus instead of letting our fears dictate our parenting. Recommend this book, Mommas. We all need help! I think you’ll enjoy as much as I did… Thank you Gaye B Clark!!

[Tangie Zellmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you have excellent relationships with your adult children or you have found yourself cut out of your adult children’s lives, this book is an excellent resource.

[Judy McCarver · Rating 4 out of 5]

We used to think parenting toddlers was so hard. Then we became parents of adult children. I love so much this season of parenting. Watching my girls grow into young adults, pursuing and starting careers, being generous and compassionate adults, and building community. We have also had one incredibly beautiful wedding and so now, have an absolutely wonderful son-in-law. But just like when they were little, this season has its own set of challenges. That includes setting and honoring healthy boundaries, sharing holidays, voting differently, and a host of other things. Not always having a say in the big decisions of their lives, is a lot different from those days when we were THE ones, their primary caretaker, making the best decisions we could on their behalf. But alas in the words of an old wonderful mentor, we raised them essentially to not need us. We are fortunate to have close engaging relationships with our girls and I know that isn’t always true. In either case, this book is not a book that is going to simply pat you on the back and make you believe you are always right no matter what. It is a book that will encourage you to be introspective, while at the same time giving your fears and concerns to Jesus, allowing him to do a new fresh work in your life and more importantly, in the lives of your children. It reminds us that we live for Him first, not the approval of our kids or spouse. But for Jesus. She focuses a lot on our vertical relationship with Jesus Christ and so when that is in place, only then can our horizontal relationships (ie those with our children and others) be truly healthy and joyful. And I think that is an excellent point to end on!

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars.
I listened to this one on hoopla, and it was so straightforward, so helpful, so biblical, so insightful, so practical.

She goes through Galatians 5, the fruit of the Spirit, and how that fleshes out in our relationships with our adult children. Her eyes are on Christ and the Gospel as central - and the way that our faith and devotion can overflow into the lives of our children as Patience, gentleness, goodness, etc.

She also briefly goes through 1 Corinthians 13, and what it means to love our kids with the love of Christ, and love Him more than our children.

It is so easy for our children to become our central focus, taking our eyes and hearts away from trusting God and finding our joy and peace in Him, not in our children or our relationships with them. She also touches on difficult issues like estrangement, addiction, and adult children making decisions you don’t approve of. I loved the wisdom, honesty, tackling hard issues, and the centrality of Jesus in this little book!

I am blessed beyond belief with two sons who love Jesus, who live close by, one of whom has married a wonderful young woman, and with whom I have close trusting relationships. I know this to be a rare gift and do not take it for granted - nor do I credit my parenting for this marvelous gift. Still, I know my heart can turn anxious when they are suffering or in potential danger. I want my joy and peace to come from my God, not from my children. And I highly recommend this book to anyone who has that same desire to love their children well, while keeping Jesus central in their hearts and minds.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about loving your adult children but it is so much more than that. It encourages the reader to embrace the belief that if they pursue and strengthen their relationship with Christ, then all the other relationships in their life will grow and become more healthy. It is based in the fruits of the spirit, and viewing our relationships with our adult children through that lens. It's powerful and convicting. You do not need adult children to benefit from this book!

[Laura NC · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little more geared to parents of prodigals or with difficult relationships. I’m looking for a book with comfort for parents of godly adult children who move away and you just miss them a lot! It’s hard after doing life together 24/7 for 18 years…

[Scott Wise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! A healthy balance of perspectives, but all underpinned y grace. The book centers around the Fruit of the Spirit, as should we. A healthy reminder to align with the spirit first, let Him do the work... in us

[Conrade Yap · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parenting is a life-long endeavour. Even though the means change over time, the nature of parental love will remain. When the children are dependants, parents take responsibility for them. Once they become adults, the way parents care for them will also have to change. As a parent myself, I often tell my friends that parenting is like flying a kite. When they are young, we hang on tightly when dangerous winds try to blow them off-course. As they grow older, we loosen our grip so that they can learn how to make their own decisions. Eventually, we need to let go of the kite completely as they embark upon the journey of adulthood. As the children become adults, the way parents love them will have to change accordingly. For author Gaye Clark, the primary goal of Christian parenting is to teach children to place their hopes in life on God alone through Jesus's finished work. When the children are young, parents pay and pray for their daily needs. When they become adults and become independent, parents can continue to love them by praying for them. Besides that, Clark shows us even more ways to love them. Putting first things first, if we want our children to have faith in God alone, we need to practice what we are going to preach. The way to love our children is essentially to lead by example. We do this through the practice of faith, repentance, grace, hope, Church, patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, Self-Control, Peace, and Love.

Many of these attributes remind us of the fruit of the Spirit passage in Galatians. We lead by example of faith in God alone. Many of us have to navigate the temptations of different idols in life. This makes inculcating faith in God alone particularly challenging. One litmus test of faith is for parents to check if they are idolizing their own children. Clark calls idolatry as a form of "misplaced love," something that all parents need to be wary of. We lead by example through humble confession and honest repentance. We can learn to distinguish between "godly sorrow" and "worldly sorrow." By connecting repentance to God's forgiveness, we can learn to live with with giving and receiving forgiveness in this world. Another way to leading by example is living grace. Learn about empowering grace instead of exasperating grace. The way to love our adult children is to grow a bigger heart toward living grace. This can only be done when we model our attitude according to God's grace. An important aspect of loving our adult children is to give hope. As our children enter into the adult world, they will encounter all sorts of challenges that can taint their sense of hope. No matter how dark our days of pain and suffering may be, hope is that light that gives us a fighting chance. Using the story of Naomi and Ruth, we learn how hope leads to human reconciliation. Even severed relationships can be salvaged. One of the most powerful ways to help our children is the essence of what Church means. It matters when you have a community who has your back, like how the author was grateful about her Church member watching over her children in her absence. How does Church care translate into adult life? Learn to see the relevance of Church life in spite of cultural disdain about Church. Granted that the Church has flaws, one needs to see how redemption starts with Church life. This is perhaps one of the biggest struggles among adult children especially with the growth of the religious NONES. This trend of believers who choose to be non-aligned and non-affiliated to any forms of Church is a sad development that needs to be addressed. While many point to the flaws of Church, we need to balance such negativity with a reality check that Church does have positive values too. Perhaps, we can plant the seeds of a healthy Church community by starting with a small one. Then there is patience. Clark highlights two types: Patience with circumstances and patience with people. The latter is obviously the more difficult of the two. Some reasons why we grow impatient are: Lack of Prayer; Romanticizing the past; exaggeration; lying; self-pity; etc. Decrease these habits and we are on the way to a more patient lifestyle. Of Goodness and Kindness; Gentleness and Self-Control; Faithfulness and Joy; Peace and Love; are all attributes that nourish a healthy and loving relationship with adult children.

My Thoughts
===========
Here are three thoughts about this book. Firstly, it is a much needed addition to the genre of Christian parenting. There are many books written about parenting young children. Not many about adult children. Perhaps some think once children become adults, they are independent from their parents. While legally that is true, in many other ways, especially spiritually and emotionally, a parent will always be a parent. The means may differ but the love remains the same. How parents express that love will change but the nature of loving them will never change. This book gives us many different ways to cultivate that loving relationship. It begins powerfully with a call to parent our children from the anchor of seeing God as our parent first. Clark reminds us rightfully that having the best material things, careers, and world achievements are nothing without the right heart. One might argue that this book is not just for Christians, but for all concerned parents. On the one hand, I tend to agree because the crux of this book is based on Christian principles. On the other hand, parenting is a very human thing. How we care for our kids when young and parent them when old is a common challenge throughout all of humanity.

Secondly, it takes one to mould one. If parents themselves are not leading and living by example, the impact on the adult children will be minimal, if any. The old saying of not being a sage by the stage but being a guide by the side is appropriate here. It is less about what we say but more about what they can see. That said, this book should speak and challenge all parents regardless of their children's age. If possible, start when they are young. If not, start immediately. Lest they accuse their parents of hypocrisy. The best way to go about practising the principles in this book is to apply it to oneself. Thus, the questions posed at the end of each chapter should be an essential worksheet for parents. For instance, how can one encourage another to pray when one does not himself or himself pray? How can one expect faith when one does not exercise faith in the first place?

Finally, there is no guarantee that our children will turn out the way we wanted them to. Like the parable of the prodigal son, the only thing the parent can do is to pray for the wayward child to repent, return, and be restored. Many parents will naturally have high hopes for our children. We can do the best we can but the rest we can only leave it to God. That's the key difference between bringing up young children and caring for our adult children. Parents likewise will need to grow up in their parenting methods. Most importantly, they should be ready to adapt their expectations accordingly. Every child is different. Every adult child is also different. If we do not like young children to talk back at us, we should be prepared that the day will come where we do not like our adult children to bark at us. Each of these virtues will need to come into play at different phases of our lives. Whatever it is, being equipped now is a good preparation for anything that might occur in the future.

May all who come before us find us faithful.

Gaye B. Clark is a registered nurse and has worked with young adults for more than twenty years. Gaye is a widow and mother of two adult children, Anna Wiggins and Nathan Clark, and grandmother of three.

Rating: 4 stars out of 5.

conrade

This book has been provided courtesy of Crossway Publishers via NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

[Bill Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Real, helpful and encouraging short book for parents of difficult adult children.

[Michele Morin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gaye B. Clark, herself a mother of two adult children, shares wisdom for Christian parents who are navigating the liminal space between parenting teens and living alongside fully functioning adults. We want them to place their hope in God, but we also want them to know that we’re battling alongside them. We feel their pain, we long for them to experience good things, but we must not seek from our children what only God can give.

Loving Your Adult Children probes deeply into the topics of faith, repentance, grace, and hope. Clark admits, “One of the most shattering realizations we parents must face is that what our kids need most isn’t us but Christ. Our job is to point them to him. It is an ironic God blessing that we do this best when we’re at our weakest.” Parents and our adult children are fellow students in God’s classroom.

Most helpful of all is Clark’s understanding that relationships are complicated and things will not always go well. Even the church, which God designed to be a support and encouragement to the family, can at times be an obstacle to be overcome. Staring down the staggering statistic that “1 in 4 U.S. adults have become estranged from their families,” motivates me to be thankful for all that’s going well. and to be mindful that strong relationships with our grown-up kids are just as likely a result of our kids’ willingness to forgive as it is of our success as parents.

Loving Christian parents are called to be “instruments of sanctification” in the lives of our adult children. And, to our great surprise, we discover that in the process of letting go, our adult children have begun to serve the same purpose in our own following life as the warm welcome of the gospel opens our hearts to a greater and more godly love for our family.

[Janet Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many of us can look back and regret some sins against both God and our children that we committed while our children were growing up. Others of us are blinded to the fact that we are treating our adult children as if they are in their earlier years, squashing their independence instead of encouraging it, and are building roadblocks in our relationships with them. This book will help you to see your sins and encourage you to ask God first and then your adult children for forgiveness and then to repent. It will bring both laughter to your soul and tears to your eyes.

It is gentle, and the author gives many examples from her own life and others to show that you are not alone. Indeed, a right relationship with God gives hope for improvement in strained relationships with our adult sons and daughters.

An added bonus is that at the end of each chapter, there are questions that can be used to discuss the book with others.

[Lori · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not what I had expected. It is full of illustrations from the author’s life parenting and her friends’ parenting experiences that I wasn’t able to relate to. She has gleaned wonderful quotes from other faith leaders, tho, which were very helpful. Otherwise, I found the book’s flow of thought and purpose to be hard to follow. It read to me like separate journal entries sprinkled with Scripture and other quotes. I realize now that the subtitle regarding “the heartache of parenting” was a missed clue, on my part. The author writes a lot about parental heartache, which helps the reader to know they are not alone in the struggle. It’s just not what I was looking for in this season.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on what it looks like to love adult children in ways that embody the gospel. Because it focuses on the power of the gospel, it calls forth heart change in parents. I particularly appreciated how the last half of the book focused on the fruit of the Spirit. Clark ends by stating “I hope by reading this book you’ve come away with a fresh devotion to your Savior, an understanding of how his love and power equip you to love your adult children.” She delivered on that for me. Highly recommend.

[Kelsi Berry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really think this book should be titled “Loving Your Adult Children Well” because of course we all already love our children. I did really think this has some great perspective and encouragement for parents who are navigating parenting adults for the first time. Lots of Biblical references and tons of scripture recommendations and questions for further reflection. I listened to this but may get hard copy to go back and look more into the end of chapter questions etc. This would be great to do in a group too.

[Lisa Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short book is a good starting place for parents struggling with adult children. I recognized many truths I had to learn the hard way. This is not a book that gives specific advice. It presents biblically based principles to get you thinking differently. It comes with discussion questions for each chapter, and I believe reading it with others and discussing things will reap the most benefit.

[Jenny Savage]

I listened to the audiobook version while on a road trip and am currently reading it with a group. I found much helpful, but the first couple of chapters can be challenging for reasons I think can be improved. If you find them difficult (and most in our group did for various reasons), I recommend you keep reading. I'll have more when I finish with the print book.

[Angela D. Couch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book! So many awe-inspiring truths pulled from Scripture. I really think it is mistitled, though, because it would be so helpful to parents of young children as well as other relationships.
"Our vertical relationship with God is the single most valuable tool for enhancing our horizontal relationship with our children."

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an encouraging book for Christian parents navigating the transition between being “in charge” of their children and seeing them become full fledged adults. The author includes scripture references as well as lots of stories. Discussion questions at the end of each chapter make the book ideal to use in a group setting.

[Ashley Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was charming and wonderful. I listened on audio. It truly felt like a warm hug from someone further down the road of parenting with a heart desiring to speak life into the weary parents who are reading. The author did a great job of sharing their own mistakes and mishaps while sharing foundational principles for this new season of parenting.

[Kristina Meece · Rating 4 out of 5]

The discussion questions at the end of each chapter was a nice reflection. Would make for a good book to read for a small group. I, personally, would have liked more prayer points or written prayers to go with each chapter.

[Birdie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is written for Christian readers who have breaks in their relationships with adult children. It has much that is helpful. Shifting our focus to our relationship with Christ alleviates the strain in the relationships with our adult children.

[Faye Vetter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book over 3 days! The wisdom & truth is exactly what I needed to hear. Raising adult children & littles. Everyone needs to read this book. So many times I paused & just thought “ah”! Thank you, Gaye!

[Susan Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and biblical advice for parenting adult children well that is also applicable to other relationships in your life.

[Juan Callejas Aquino · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great, straightforward and theologically robust book. A much needed read for me as my children turn 29, 18 and 13 in the next few months.

[Rita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Convicting but encouraging. Much of this book can be applied to other relationships as well.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for a parents of adult children. This insightful book focuses on the parent’s right relationship with God and the impact that has on one’s relationship with adult children.

[Jane Winner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written. Both views well represented. Not just for Parents. Adult Children could benefit from this Book

[nate]

While I am just entering the phase of my life where I have adult children, I wish I had read this book sooner. There is a lot of great stuff here for parents of children of any age.