But What Will People Say?: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love and Family Between Cultures

by Sahaj Kaur Kohli

A paradigm-shifting book from therapist and founder of @browngirltherapy, offering powerful insights and guidance for multi-cultural readers to better understand, accept and nurture their mental wellbeingSahaj grew up as a south-asian girl in a white American community, constantly trying to reconcile her two identities, always feeling like she wasn’t enough of either. Her mental health suffered but her worries were met with shame and the all-encompassing But what will people say? After years of attending therapy in secret and finding the same gaps in the mental health world, Sahaj decided to train as a therapist herself. Now, with over 225k followers from around the world, Sahaj is on a mission to make mental health advice accessible for people from all cultures and, ultimately, help others free themselves from shame. There are sections - Generational trauma- Breaking down stigma - Celebrating cultural dualityBut What Will People Say? elegantly weaves together Sahaj's personal narrative with anecdotal analysis, and comprehensive research to create a revolutionary guide that will democratize and decolonize the way we think about our mental health. It is nothing short of a revolution.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Memoir, Audiobook, Race

415 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 7, 2024

Reviews

[Krupal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to go back and re-read this book. A must read - it’s written for children of first or second generation immigrants. As noted in the other reviews about this book, it makes you feel seen. I wish this book existed when I was in high school! The author touches on so many different themes, including bicultural identity, achievement behaviour, shame-based behaviour, gratitude shaming, emotional regulation, intergenerational traumas/stories, and healing within the context of a community. My only critique was the use of many Instagram polls to illustrate her point (which may ironically stem from the fact that there isn’t as much research out there in mental health among BIPOC populations). I also would have liked to hear the author’s perspectives on attachment theories within the context of culture, as I don’t believe that the main categories (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) are sufficient when considering cultural context. I would still give this book five stars because I think this author is doing really important work in her community, and that deserves to be recognized!

[Radhika · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book definitely touched a nerve. It had me going back and forth as my own story sometimes mirrored her own. It is one of those love-hate relationships. You like to feel seen, but you also want to hold close and protect those you love, so you also hate to admit anything. It is hard to capture into words what it feels like to read a book like this. Mostly, it makes you feel less alone in your journey. It may have been a little understated (or stated later in the book) that part of what makes us who we are is very much ingrained in where we came from and the struggles we endured. I am certain my personality would have been entirely different had I had another path.

[Zareen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sahaj has done groundbreaking work to bring a BIPOC & immigrant lens to modern therapy, incorporating values of collectivist cultures into what is traditionally driven by a white, Western, individualist perspective.

[Monica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book if you’re looking to read a memoir of the creator of @browngirltherapy.

I would not recommend this book if you’re “navigating mental health, identity, love, and family between cultures”.

[Farhana Khan]

Wow. Really forced me to face the trauma I hold being a first gen Asian American. This book has reminded me that I’m not alone, and that there are ways to navigate through my trauma and repressed emotions.

Very emotional and high anxiety since the author has allowed me a space to really think about my self worth and how I view my relationship with my parents.

Every bicultural reader out there needs to read this book.

[Michelle Leung · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came across the author's work through Instagram and have been following her feed for a long time. This book is written specifically for children of first and second generation immigrants and has been so helpful in my continued personal healing journey. I definitely recommend it for validation and terms for all the feelings we've had, past and present. Chapters about bicultural identity, shame, things that are weaponized that shouldn't be, parentification (children forced to assume developmentally inappropriate parent- or adult-like roles and responsibilities, usually due to being the eldest and/or speaking the Western language). I feel the author has done some really ground breaking work bringing her perspective modern therapy, and making fellow BIPOC, immigrant kids feel seen and heard.

[Nooshin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted more to be said about those of us who have had no choice but estrangement/cessation of contact due to parental abuse, but that was mostly seen as ‘extreme circumstances’ and given very little air time. Nonetheless, I love @browngirltherapy and I think this book will be a huge asset for children of immigrants/POC everywhere. An excellent read.

[Vaishnavi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healed something in me that I didn’t even know was broken

[Alexandria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was filled with a hundred tough pills to swallow and had so many important insights around how identity can impact mental health, living between cultures and the shortcomings of western therapy and wellness on people from non-western backgrounds.

A note to those interested: this is more a fusion of memoir/personal anecdotes with psychological concepts from someone who works in the mental health field, than an academic-researched psychology book. Still, a must-read for anyone raised in an immigrant household.

[Otusa · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was SO incredible ~ it is a giant hug for any brown girl who needs it (GO GET IT).

[Anwar Malik · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel seen ❤️

[4suva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Favourite chapters were chapter's 6, 9, 11,12 and the epilogue. Refreshing to see something that accommodates for POC/children of immigrants in mental health.

[Keerthana · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. This book hit deep. I’ve never read something that has so accurately captured my life experiences as a first-generation Indian American woman. This book is full of actionable journal and discussion prompts that I am so excited to use with my family and friends. This read made me feel less alone and I’d recommend this to any children of immigrants!!

[Suman · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Zara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is absolutely a book I will come back to so I can really sit with the info and process it fully. 10000% recommend this if you’re a child of immigrants, or especially South Asian. Just be prepared to come face to face with A L O T of harsh truths that you may or may not have been aware of. It was so worth it though to know that I was never alone in these experiences. To truly feel seen is greater than any discomfort.

[Bryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to any child of immigrants, but especially to those who felt “different” and/or live a separate and fulfilling narrative.

[Sim · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5 - i felt very seen in many parts of this book

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel so seen

[Mitesh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow - very validating read.

[Nella ☾ of Bookland · Rating 5 out of 5]

A refreshing new perspective that I think is missing from Western mental health praxis.

[Sharda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was everything I wanted and needed. Lots of strategies woven into the fantastic storytelling. Seeing myself in the stories and how different and difficult it is to be a child of immigrants, and live between multiple cultures— highly recommend to anyone balancing multiple identities or wanting to understand experiences of those that do.
Very much in conversation with THEY CALLED US EXCEPTIONAL

[Alex Hohenhaus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am white and not a child of immigrants, but this book is still a must read for anyone who teaches children of immigrants, is friends with someone who is a child of immigrants, or just needs some good advice navigating your own familial relationships. I loved reading about how Sahaj’s relationship with her dad evolved throughout their road trips and all of her inner thoughts as she navigated her bicultural identity. Infinity stars!!!!!

[Jibraun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sahaj Kaur Kohli, a mental health expert and a child of South Asian immigrants, has written this great book about the experience of children of immigrants, focusing on the mental health issues faced by such children given their parents, extended family, local diaspora community, intergenerational trauma, old world attitudes, etc.

I rarely seek out books, tv, media, etc. that "represent" me as I find them to be either not realistic (and therefore distracting) or realistic and therefore boring (because it resembles my life too much). This book somehow breaks out of that binary by being both authentic, realistic, and interesting. Everything she says speaks true to the experience of the children of immigrants, particularly those from African and Asian families, but particularly South Asian families. She interweaves her own experiences, traumas, and difficulties in this insightful book, while using her own expertise and academic research to generally explore the mental health issues faced by children of immigrants. I have read some other books like What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo that try to achieve the same, but those authors I have found have no expertise in mental health -- and so fall flat when they take their own experience and try generally extrapolating to a larger group of people. Kohli does NOT fall prey to that because she is an expert in the field. She backs up her points with data, studies, and research. Even when she becomes less scientific, e.g. using IG polls, she admits that she is doing that and provides a disclaimer on such numbers.

I should add that I listened to this via audiobook, which worked very well. Kohli narrates the audiobook, and she wrote the book in the first person -- making the audiobook listening experience very easy to follow, sincere, and moving at times.

I strongly recommend this book for anyone who is the child of South Asian immigrants, but really anyone whose parents came to the West in the last 50 years will identify with large swathes of this book either through direct personal experience or seeing it first hand with someone close to them (either friend or family). 4.75 stars.

[Iona Sharma]

I was, in a very small way, part of the genesis of this book; it arises from an Instagram the author had called Brown Girl Therapy that later became her Patreon, and I enjoyed being part of it because there's a lot of important, meaningful stuff to say about how mainstream mental health paradigms, particularly talk therapy, don't serve brown folk and especially don't serve brown immigrant folk. The thing is, though, there's maybe an interesting 150p book about that buried somewhere in this 400p book which is otherwise mostly dull memoir. The author is trying to make her points based on her own experience, but it doesn't work well, and it's odd too that you would choose to do this based entirely on yourself rather than make points from a spread of people's experiences. So, idk. I'm glad I supported it, but it was just ok.

[shreya · Rating 4 out of 5]

really good!! i found this book super healing, answering questions that i often felt ashamed for even having.

i’ve spent the last few years minimizing my internal discussion about my bicultural identity, but beginning a new phase of life has brought these topics to the forefront of my mind. it’s been easy to downplay the issue in 2025 when diaspora poetry is both surface-level and weirdly ubiquitous given the typical Person Who Reads. i really appreciate the depth and nuance sahaj kaur kohli brings to this book. I have always known am one of many overachieving, anxiety-riddled Indian-American women but this has never been presented to me as a necessary adaptation under both relational and societal stress. I feel like this book gave me years of cognitive development over the course of a few weeks.

[lamazi · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars.

I lowkey feel like such a great title has been ‘wasted’ on a mediocre book. As the second generation of guest workers, I wanted to read the book in hopes of taking away valuable lessons for myself, grounded in psychological research. Meanwhile it does kind of, it read more as a memoir of the author. 70% of the book felt like retelling her own life story and even though I can see why some people love (a lot of) anecdotes as a way of relating, this just felt over-proportional for me. Also, it threw me off how she’d refer to *instagram* polls from her *own* Instagram page as a reliable source (or it just felt like that to me); what about sample, sample size, validity, … - might be my inner academic here.
All in all, there were some nice takeaways and “oh!”-moments, but this all could’ve been definetly said in less words.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars, rounded up.

This book felt more tailored to an Indian audience than to other immigrant cultures, which is worth noting for readers seeking advice or representation that aligns with their own experiences. While there were helpful takeaways, the content wasn’t as inclusive as it could have been, as much of the focus was on the author’s personal story rather than a broader perspective on the immigrant experience.

I struggled to connect with the anecdotal sections, particularly those involving her parents, and ultimately found the book fell short of my expectations. It led me to realize that I might need to seek out East Asian authors for self-help books that better resonate with my personal experiences and cultural background.

That said, this book could serve as a valuable starting point for those early in their healing journey. While it didn’t meet my needs, others may find it more relatable and impactful.

[Rhea Jain · Rating 5 out of 5]

“…but the trauma will continue to be passed on until someone decides to confront and heal from it.”

So many insightful takeaways on South Asian mental health! I loved the format of the book with Sahaj’s personal story intertwined with anecdotal evidence, peer-reviewed research citations, and reflection activities for the reader. This is the beginning of a necessary conversation in our community! I will definitely be coming back to my bookmarked pages as I continue to improve my relationship with my family, cultural identity, and personal values.

[Ria Sharma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like honestly this book changed my life. Grew up dreaming and hoping that someone would write a book about living with the intersection of Indian and western culture. For how NOT niche this experience is, I’m shocked that this is one of the only books that addresses it. I read it as an audiobook and Sahaj Kaur Kohli narrates it herself, which added a great layer of personality to the book. There are also journaling prompts and thought exercises at the end of each chapter. I’ll come back to this book again and again.

[Brinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be a mandated read for all Desi children of immigrants who are in their 20s, if not sooner in life. Helps to examine the narratives we subconsciously operate under, to this day as adults, and how those may or may not be serving us. Through her own story, Kohli weaves in and delves into every facet of the bicultural experience of growing up in America — I will likely ruminate on the concepts in this book for years to come