Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject

by Suzannah Weiss

Subjectified  is a book about subjects, objects, and verbs. It is also a book about clothing-optional resorts, group masturbation circles, and sex parties.

Suzannah Weiss takes the reader through her adventures as a sex and relationship writer to explore how we can create a world with less objectification and more subjectification ― placing women and other marginalized groups in the subject role of sentences and actions. Offering a deeply personal account and powerful critique of sexual empowerment movements, Suzannah Weiss presents a way forward that focuses more on what women desire, and less on what men desire from them. She makes a bold yet compassionate call for women everywhere to inhabit their bodies and hearts ― to remain connected to their inner “I,” even in a world where they are disproportionately “you,” “she,” or “them.”

The book is for everybody wanting to understand themselves better as subjects. Wholeheartedly, the author invites you to follow her search for subjecthood and, should you desire, forge your own path out of objecthood.

Genres: Sexuality, Feminism

288 pages, Paperback

First published June 10, 2024

Reviews

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

(2.25/5, so not rounded to 3)

I'm torn on this (audio)book. The vast majority of Suzannah Weiss's takes are either such popular opinion by now that I don't care to read it in a book or so time-worn that again, I don't care to read it in a book.

Part of why I'm torn is how effectively her hidden gems of bombshell one-liners could mitigate the former (why is my brain suddenly trying out these words rn? good question. is this growth, or am i being pretentious?). During the most monotonous chapters, sometimes there would be a sentence or phrase that felt like there should have been a *mic drop* pumped in after it. This is certainly subjective, being dependent on everything from personal experience to other research and lit read; I like to think I'm more well-read than the avg 28 year old - esp as a new mom (S/O SAHMing) - so I'm hoping there will be at least a take or two that's fresh for you and you can take value from as well.

The other reason I'm torn is the distinctive position Weiss is able to write from. I'm used to a mutually exclusive outlook when it comes to those who write about sex and/or sexuality - they're either SUPER scholarly or SUPER woo-woo. Suzannah is a blend so balanced she's able to write from both positions. Not to mention the openness to experience and transparently sharing that experience with readers. I've never come across another book with this perspective that isn't intended to arouse (instead of inform).

Admittedly I'm not entirely sure if this is just an audiobook issue (therefore this is common and I've never noticed it until this book) or if this applies to the print/ebook edition(s) as well - but one of the biggest downfalls for me was the lack of citation (I'll even take casual mention of the researchers. Actually, I think I prefer it) when presenting research or info claimed to be science-backed. It's almost like it's all assumed to be such common knowledge that readers don't need to be provided with context. Well, I want the context. I want to be confident enough in what the author is saying that I'd be comfy repeating it in the wild. I'm not even confident I'd be able to find the studies mentioned, let alone repeat the gist.

Overall, I wouldn't recommend this book. It's not that it's bad; it's that there are a lot of extremely similar books that are much better than this one. Yes, there are some unique takes - especially in the sections about Suzannah's unique experiences in group settings - but not enough to make it worth trudging through the whole of the book.

{Thank you bunches to NetGalley, Suzanna Weiss, and publisher for the ALC!}

[Megan Rang · Rating 4 out of 5]

*****I received this audiobook free from NetGalley in exchange for my honest.

This was a very interesting read. It was more detailed than I expected. It definitely empowered women in all areas of their body and thoughts

[LeaVixx · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was definitely lots of interesting and good points, but for someone who has read plenty of feminist and sex positive books, there was nothing groundbreaking or new for me. The constant repetition of the words subject & object got a bit annoying sometimes and it was hard to stay focused on what the author was trying to say. Also with couple things I had to disagree. For example in one chapter the author seems to be religiously against sex toys, saying it's all just marketing and all we need for pleasure are our bodies. Yet on another page the author is mentioning usage of her favourite toys...? Anyway, for this topic I highly suggest the podcast How Cum as for many women, sex toys are actually a huge deal and they literally changed lives to many women of all age. So no, it's not just a marketing. Female orgasm is insanely complex and completely different to male orgasm. I believe there was definitely a chapter missing about this topic.

[agnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I initially picked up this book to help heal my wounded relationship with my sexuality and sexual expression, but I realized very quickly into this book that it was healing so much more than that for me. This book has completely helped me realize my wounds extended to my relationship with my gender, feminism, and my own ability to be a subject in many more arenas of my life-- not just sexuality.

The concept of being a "subject" not an "object" is in and of itself a radically powerful concept, one that immediately sent a quantum shockwave back through my past and opened my eyes to how I had been culturally and relationally conditioned into this role, even though it never served me-- and not only had it not served me, but it had actively HARMED me, leaving me feeling "stuck" in a position I had never chosen for myself. No wonder I struggled to express myself sexually! Suddenly all of the shame and guilt I was feeling with this struggle was washed over with warmth, compassion, and understanding. It helped me see everything from a completely new perspective and reignited my ability to connect with own power in a way no other book, teacher, or healing service has been able to before now.

The author's writing is filled with wisdom that is balanced with playful curiosity, intelligence that is balanced with humbleness, wit that is balanced with grounded humanity. I was very hesitant and nervous to open myself up to the content in this book due to how sensitive of a subject this is for me (one I've been willfully avoided for many years), but her writing style and overall general approach pulled me in so gently and seamlessly that I could not put the book down. Each chapter opened me up to my own pain in such a safe and natural space-- I found myself releasing cathartic tears of suppressed emotion with each new subject. As I said before, it opened up a whole new portal of healing energy that allowed me to reconnect with the true nature of most of my issues, which I can now say DEFINITELY had to do with being conditioned as a subject by my family, relationships, and society at large. I can not emphasize enough how validating it was reading words that defined and further contextualized such overwhelming yet abstract feelings I had felt my whole life. I mean it when I say this book 100% changed my life.

I wish I could give a copy of this book to every single person I know, but especially those who have been born/raised as women in this society. In my opinion, it should be just as essential as any of the classic coming of age books young girls are given as soon as their bodies push them into "becoming a woman"; because as I have now realized, there is so much fallout from "becoming a woman" in this society, and while I have felt that in my own body and heart for decades, this book allowed me to tenderly address that wounding with grace, compassion, and dignity. I want that so very much for others as well.

I have also asked my husband to read this book, and it has already brought us together to have so many important conversations that I am fully confident will continue to heal wounded areas of our relationship, helping it to flourish with a new foundation of understanding and compassion. He just told me the other day he only picked up this book because of my recommendation, but now he is so glad he is reading it, because it is helping him reorient himself with his own conditioned behaviors and helping him approach our relationship with a new lens of deeper understanding. You have no idea what it meant to me to hear those words. Both men, women, and everyone in between can take so much from this book.

Suzannah, I can not thank you enough for writing this book. I feel completely indebted to you as a human being who has done the research and placed the time and care into compiling it in such a way that has brought forth such powerful healing and peace for me. For now, please accept my gratitude and love for everything you have done to help me (and many others, I am sure of it!) You have done something incredible with this book, and I can't wait to continue passing on this gift on to many others for years to come.

[Lisa Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suzannah Weiss's "Subjectified" arrives as something rare: a work of cultural criticism that is also a deeply personal memoir, a philosophical inquiry that is also a sex-positive manifesto, and a critique of empowerment culture that never loses sight of the genuine pleasures empowerment can offer. It is, in the best sense, a book that refuses easy categorization, because the questions it asks demand nothing less.
The central distinction Weiss draws is elegantly simple and devastatingly consequential. To be objectified is to be positioned as the recipient of another's desire, to exist in the sentence as "her" or "them." To be subjectified is to become the "I" the desirer, the agent, the one whose wanting shapes the action. For women and other marginalized groups, Weiss argues, the cultural pressure to perform desirability has often been mistaken for liberation. Sexual empowerment movements, for all their achievements, have frequently encouraged women to pursue what men want from them rather than to discover what they themselves want.
Weiss tests these ideas in the laboratory of her own life with remarkable courage. Her adventures, through clothing-optional resorts, group masturbation circles, sex parties, and the complex terrain of modern dating, are recounted with honesty that never feels performative. She is unflinching about her own confusions, her moments of genuine pleasure, her missteps, and her slowly crystallizing understanding of what subjecthood might actually mean.
What distinguishes this book from similar works is its refusal of easy answers. Weiss does not simply condemn objectification; she acknowledges the genuine pleasures of being desired. She does not dismiss empowerment feminism wholesale; she asks what happens when empowerment is defined too narrowly. And she writes throughout with a compassion that extends to herself as much as to her readers, a generosity that makes her intellectual rigor feel not cold, but companionable.
The prose is sharp, often funny, and consistently luminous. Weiss moves between theory and narrative with the ease of a writer who has mastered both. And the result is a book that will resonate far beyond its immediate audience. This is essential reading not only for women navigating the contradictions of contemporary sexuality, but for anyone who has ever wondered what it means to become a subject in a world that constantly threatens to reduce us to objects.
Bold, compassionate, and urgently necessary. Highly recommended.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suzannah Weiss’s Subjectified is a rare and compelling book. It masterfully combines a vulnerable, adventurous personal narrative about Weiss’s sexual empowerment journey with deep research and playful deconstructions of the linguistic, philosophical, and societal constructs that shape modern life. Every chapter feels like its own self-help essay, complete with actionable conclusions that feel earned thanks to the depth and honesty with which Weiss examines her subject matter, which ranges from sex work and spirituality to disordered eating and gender essentialism. The book feels so deeply personal and urgent that it lands like a book that Weiss had to write. Although she frequently demonstrates her chops as a scholar of semiotics and feminist theory, she makes these subjects remarkably accessible and applicable to everyday life, deftly weaving her points through a thoughtfully organized collection.

I couldn’t list all the points that struck me while reading this book - each of the 15 chapters had several “ah ha” moments for me - but I would call out a few, such as her exploration of the body neutrality movement ("just be"), the distinction between the male gaze vs. the artist gaze, and the particularly insightful look at the role capitalism-corrupted spirituality plays in exacerbating our relationship with sexuality, femininity, and ourselves.

Though I, as a cisgendered male, am not the primary target audience, I got an immense amount out of this book, both in understanding women's experiences and in thinking about how to be more true to my own self, which is ultimately unsurprising given Weiss’s orientation towards inclusion.

In a world full of thinly-supported, cliché-filled self-help books, Subjectified stands out, earning every piece of advice it offers. Highly recommended.

[the great gretsby · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

Subjectified is a really well articulated book, and I especially enjoyed the first few chapters. While the content itself wasn’t particularly groundbreaking or new, Suzannah does an amazing job putting the complex experiences of women and their sexuality into words. As the book went on, though, I did find it started to feel a little repetitive.

I agreed with most of her takes and appreciated how nuanced her perspective on female sexuality was—she’s not afraid of contradictions, which I liked. That said, some arguments felt a bit one-sided, particularly in the chapter on sex toys. I understand the autobiographical and subjective nature of the book, but it would have been nice to see a few more different perspectives.

On the whole, I liked the mix of theoretical explorations and personal experiences. However, some sections felt a bit too self-helpy for my taste. While much of the book is actually quite scholarly, certain chapters veered into what felt like empty platitudes—almost as if the author was trying to push for an inspirational message in every point, which personally didn’t resonate with me. But that’s a matter of preference (and perhaps cultural differences too, I‘m not American lol).

Overall, it’s an interesting read and definitely worthwhile for someone who hasn’t delved deeply into feminist literature or the topic of female sexuality before and is looking for a place to start. If you’re already well-versed in this area, though, there might not be much new for you here.

[Andrew Mason · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book started very strong with messages that really made me think and even sparked some conversations with my wife. The book also ended pretty strong, again providing thought-provoking concepts. Unfortunately the middle of it was a bit all over the place and provided views that I don't really agree with. The author basically talks about how she would like people to not be viewed as male or female, that products and services geared towards the needs of genders are pointless and even harmful, but then goes on to talk about her empowered womanhood. She takes a negative stance on ethical, women owned brands such as Bellesa and Loral, and talked about how brands that cater to women's specific needs are hurting society. She kind of flip-flopped on the spectrum of feminism, at times agreeing with the efforts of modern feminism then at times condemning it. Also the semantics of "I, me, her, you" languages centric to the title of the book got a bit convoluted until it was finally forgotten.

Writing style was easy to digest and her frankness was appreciated.

I would recommend to anyone wanting to learn challenging views on women's sexuality, though you may or may not agree with them.

[Dr. Nazanin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susannah Weiss's book is incredibly insightful, offering a deeply personal and honest exploration of the objectification women face. She bravely shares her own experiences of feeling objectified, which, as a therapist, I can say is a shared experience for many women I work with.

Weiss masterfully navigates the complexities of sex positivity, shedding light on the nuances and sometimes the backlash it can have on women. She also delves into how language itself reflects the objectification of women, offering a thought-provoking analysis that challenges readers to reflect on the ways we talk about and view women in our culture. This book is a must-read for anyone interested in understanding the deeper layers of sex, gender, and empowerment.

[Dara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author has a way of using language that elevates you. The book is written like poetry but is also filled with information. She sees the world as it should be and gently guides you to see it that way — and even live that way — meeting you where you’re at and holding your hand as she lifts you up. This book is about sex, but it’s also about developing a healthier relationship with yourself and others. She has a view of sexuality that’s very clean and innocent yet also expansive and free. She sees all sides of the issues she addresses and writes with consideration for people from all over the spectrum personally, politically, and spiritually. This book deserves more recognition, but I think it will get that as the world catches up to it.

[Joel · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a cis mostly-hetero male, I found this book so interesting. And informative and enlightening. It gave me fairly uncensored access to the living process of a woman/female in modern times; sure, from the sexual side (and many sexual aspects, with inquisition and humor) but both the similarities of g"rowing up" trying to understand sex and the vast differences, not just with sex but safety and relationships, concerns and worries, all things erotic/sexual/etc., even pubic hair! Even Suzannah's references to biological similarities and difference gave me fresh perspectives, for my male driven society brain, in recovery! I love that she doesn't try to change your mind so much, but just to share her experience. So interesting to me.

[Lauren Katulka · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a thought-provoking read which so articulately challenges assumptions about gender and the way these assumptions impact our lives and interactions with others. As someone who's child-free by choice, I found the section about expectations surrounding women as mothers really resonated. Other parts had me questioning whether I'd made choices for me or simply gone along with those expectations. It's very rare to find a book that's empowering to women without denigrating men, but "Subjectified" struck the balance beautifully. And as a word nerd, I really appreciated the way Weiss honed in on the power of language, the ripple effect of simple phrasing and the impact of changing the point of view. This is one of those books that I'll keep thinking about for a long time to come.

[Clemmy McWilliam-Le · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a topic I would usually read, but I am so glad I did. It has transformed how I view myself and what I want from a relationship, how I want my relationships to be, the traditional views I was raised with around sex, how brutally the media has portrayed women for the male gaze, even those purporting to be FOR women. What I am enjoying most is that it weaves Suzannah's personal experiences and is full of wonderful amusing stories about her sexual and relational encounters. I have read similar books on various topics, and I have found them to be in the majority humorless. I highly recommend Subjectified, both for content and the writing style...there's nothing dry about this book.

[Johnny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up originally to have it read before attending a book reading by the author. I didn't expect to glean much from it, but I found myself gaining more from it than anticipated. I found myself taking notes in the margins, underlining passages, and being highly engaged with the reading. Her anecdotes were deeply personal and I saw myself in some of them, causing me to reflect on my own relationship with sexuality and identity. I finished the book with a greater understanding of Weiss's arguments and enriched by the experience of having my own pre-conceived notions challenged.

[Stacy Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love a memoir that's as personal, vulnerable and emotional as it factual. Sexologist Suzannah Weiss blends beautiful, poignant storytelling with her experience as a feminist writer and scholar to give a unique, insightful perspective into how much of our reality is built around the male gaze and the objectification of women. Despite the heady, powerful topic, her voice is warm, playful, sexy and smart. You're left moved emotionally and inspired to change how you think, feel and act. It's clear why Weiss is a top writer in her field.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Subjectified is great if you're looking for a refreshing perspective on exploring your own sexuality on your own terms through the eyes of someone who's been exploring and writing about her own journey for years. Suzannah Weiss writes in a way that's informative, yet personable and inviting, where it feels like you're listening to a friend who also happens to be an expert sex educator. If this sounds like your jam, I think you might enjoy this book, too.

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suzannah gave me a lot to think about, and I appreciate her perspective, openness, and honesty. This is my first exposure to feminist sex-positive writing, and although I suspect there are "better" books out there I thoroughly enjoyed this one. There is a healthy list of citations in the print edition, so she's provided a roadmap for any curious reader to leverage.

[Christy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suzannah uses her honest, raw, powerful stories, along with sentence structure and our use of language itself to relay the message that women and marginalized groups need not follow the path laid out by society--one told to them or stated about them. We can form our own identity and become the subject of our stories. This book is refreshing, real, and full of insight. I highly recommend it.

[August · Rating 5 out of 5]

Subjectified is an intimate, compelling memoir filled with fascinating insights and wisdom about sexuality, gender expectations, ways related language reflects our society and, ultimately, the freedom to be ourselves. I highly recommend it.

[Amy Baldwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a mixture of the writer's personal story woven in with facts and practical information, and I personally find this style of writing far more relatable and engaging than when the writer's experience is mostly absent.

[Amanda Brodzki · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is probably the most feminist book I've read in a long time.

[Julie Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of great insights for patriarchal de-programming and fodder for feminist rage.

The most Interesting points, imo:

Men can be emasculated, they can lose their masculinity, but there is no efemination, as in losing your femininity, because femininity is already defined as something lost, an absence of masculinity.

From childhood, girls are taught that they have a vagina but not that they have a vulva or clitoris. Their sexual parts are defined by the hole, the place where the penis enters and the baby exits, as opposed to the parts that bring sexual pleasure.

Intercourse is taught as “a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina.” making the woman a passive object. How about, “a woman puts her vagina around a man’s penis?” Try saying “the woman engulfs” instead of “the man penetrates.” It feels very different, doesn’t it? Honestly, it makes me furious that I’ve thought of it this way my entire life—sex as something that is done to a woman, not something that she does to a man or for herself.

And yet… at the same time, sex and sexual pleasure is something women give and men receive. “Did she put out?” “Did you get any?” The woman is diminished by the act, made “less pure,” while the man is not. Women are taught to “save themselves” for marriage… yet sex is not a limited resource. It’s not like if a woman has sex before marriage, she won’t have any left for her husband. What exactly is being saved? It’s such an absurd a concept, and yet so many people just accept this as how it is.

We tell woman not to give themselves away for free without questioning wether they should have a price tag.

A woman performing sexiness is not the same as a woman expressing her sexuality. A woman’s sexuality lies within her, not in images of her. There’s a difference between being sexy and being sexual. Being sexy means provoking someone else’s desire. Being sexual means having your own. This should be obvious but it isn’t in a culture where women’s sexuality has been conflated with their sexualization.

The body positivity movement declares that
every woman is beautiful without questioning wether they should exist to be looked at.

Seinfeld quote: “the female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It’s for getting around. It’s like a jeep.” This is only true in a patriarchy. Among the matriarchal Mosuo, men are valued for their beauty.

“She was dying to be close to him, she was aching to get her hands on him…” to suggest a woman could have such feelings bucks standards of femininity. They make her sound unlady-like, uncharacteristically lascivious, masculine. Maybe that’s why it can look like no big deal when a woman has a sexual experience devoid of those drives.

**We are trained to want to be desired rather than to desire for ourselves.

When we tune in to what our bodies want, this is called embodied consent. Practicing embodied consent means checking in with how you feel about a situation, act, or partner. Body awareness is the key to this self knowledge.

Is it a hell yes? If not, it’s a no.

When women tolerate intimacy for a partner’s sake they can feel like objects.

You don’t have to justify a no. Don’t let anyone argue with your inner truth. Your desire is not up for debate.

We’ve neglected women’s desire in favor of their consent. But if someone grants consent out of acquiescence, rather than desire, their sense of freedom in their body may suffer.

It’s infuriating that it’s the standard practice to give birth lying on one’s back when it is scientifically proven that standing up is safer and more effective.

Some efforts to save women from degradation are themselves degrading.

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” A better question is why is sex a financial exchange? And why would we want to be bought and owned? Why is sex equated to milk, something produced and consumed?

You don’t achieve empowerment by withholding something you want just because a man wants it.

Women do “fun little beauty things” and think they’re enjoyable because they are outside themselves looking in. Often the female gaze we’re peering though is really an internalized male gaze, but we’ve internalized it so deeply it feels like ours. Even when nobody’s looking, the male gaze is lurking around the corner.

1915 Gillette launched its first female, razor, promising to solve an embarrassing, female problem – under arm hair.

Removing body hair is a way of infantilizing women.

Blow job and hand job… Why is the word job in there? The female versions do not have a connotation of work.

A woman’s place is in her body.

Violence is encoded in our sexual language— fucked means to be penetrated sexually and also to be ruined.