I Do But I Don't: Why the Way We Marry Matters

by Kamy Wicoff

Why is the stereotypical image of the bride before her wedding day that of a stressed, moody, indecisive, and frustrated woman cracking under pressure and snapping at everyone in sight? Why does being a bride feel like going through a second adolescence? And why, with the rate of couples seeking counseling for wedding-related debt doubling from year to year, do we continue to spend absurd amounts of money on this institution? Examining how the pressure to give into the crowd (mothers, mothers-in-law, caterers, dressmakers, bridesmaids, the groom himself) and the associated traditions (wearing white, being given away, being introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Groom) is sometimes at odds with the "progress" the bride and groom may have made on these issues in private, Kamy Wicoff answers these questions and more in this sure-to-be-talked-about look at the modern bride. Through poignant and funny personal experience, eye-opening conversations with other brides, and scholarly and popular research, she strives to find both the personal and cultural meaning of all the trappings and traditions-from the proposal to the ring, to the dress, and even the bachelorette party. Her insights will blow the roof off the proverbial wedding tent. Her passionate argument for conscious marriage will ring true to the thousands of women planning weddings every day. To keep our sanity, our integrity, and our relationships intact, Wicoff says, "the way we marry matters."

Genres: Nonfiction, Marriage, Feminism, Memoir, Relationships, Adult, Cultural

322 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 7, 2006

Reviews

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

i think this is an important book for engaged people to read. and i'm conflicted about it.

on the one hand, i can understand the reviews that slam wicoff for having her her cake and eating it too (i.e., espousing all this "feminist"/anti-materialist stuff, and while at the same time having all the traditional patriarchal-capitalist trappings at her own wedding). i am sympathetic to reviewers who find this frustrating and, perhaps, self-serving.

however, i think she is clear from the outset that she regrets her choices. and, i think that she's clear from the outset that she felt so overwhelmed by the process of getting married and due to her inability to handle it, she just lapsed into letting others and social norms dictate her decisions. she did seem to take pleasure in her subservience to patriarchal-capitalist norms... but i'm still hesitant to judge her as harshly as some of the other reviewers.

i some ways, i think it's brave to write a book that says, 'i totally did something wrong. and not only that, i bought into it and enjoyed the process. however, in retrospect, that was wrong of me to do.' not many people can admit they made mistakes. i think the purpose of the book was to acknowledge those mistakes, acknowledge their appeal to some women, explain why the appeal shouldn't be so appealing to men or women, and help other couples to avoid making the same mistakes.

i think it's sad that she didn't have the good sense to avoid all the typical wedding nonsense. i feel lucky, as an engaged woman, to not have bought into all the patriarchal-capitalist nonsense. however, there are moments in which my socialization to do all the traditional stuff nags at me. i wonder, 'will i really be happy with a 20 min. ceremony in front of our parents only and dinner at a nice restaurant?' i would be dishonest if i claimed i wasn't at least a bit conflicted about my choices (even though i know they are good choices).

what i like about this book is that wicoff dwells in that conflict, acknowledges it, and acknowledges the ways in which she failed to successfully manage that conflict.

i wonder about the women reviewing her so harshly--about why they need consistency from a woman writing a book about her own contradictions.

[Jamie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Before getting to the content, I have to say that I think this book was horribly marketed. The subtitle "walking down the aisle without losing your mind" conjures up the idea of a "how-to" type guide, when in reality this book is much more about examining social and personal expectations surrounding weddings, and how to reconcile feminist beliefs with tradition.

I really wanted to like this book. It really is terrible, though. The author attempts to dissect traditions from an intellectual standpoint, which is kind of interesting. But she then adds her own experiences of getting engaged/wedding planning. Herein lies the problem: this woman CLEARLY wants brides to consider how and why to incorporate marriage traditions while challenging those that are not consistent with modern women. BUT she then goes on to fall for every tired wedding tradition under the sun, which really makes her a massive hypocrite. The result is a very "holier than thou" perspective in which she basically says things like "Rings represent the owned and the owner, and reflect on both of them, so you should re-think yours. Meanwhile, I will admire my 2+ carat ring, thereby perpetuating the very "tradition" I am encouraging you to resist."

It would have been much more interesting if she had done a more in-depth study of marriage traditions and why they should be reconsidered, without her lame personal commentary.

I definitely have better things to do with my time, and so do you. You would be wise to skip this one.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is perhaps one of the most poisonous bride-to-be books I've come across. Having got rid of every book in my house that had the phrase "perfect day" or "of your dreams" on the cover, I chose this as an alternative, hoping that Wicoff would provide some perspective on my situation: a feminist bride-to-be trying to reconcile her feminism with her engagement. However, Wicoff can't escape the very system she's supposedly writing against. For 20 pages, I was with her, in complete agreement. I almost threw the book across the train when she recapitulates the "if I shut up and be patient he'll ask me" stereotype: smoothing her unwashed hair, she follows her dreamy redheaded fiancee-to-be out into a mountain meadow, where he pops the cork on champagne, and, of course, the question. I chose to continue, but finally put the book down in disgust when she begins to talk about the significance or insignificance of an engagement ring. She claims that the size of the diamond shouldn't be read as an indicator of a man's affections; however, I'm not sure how she's managed to lift her hands to the keyboard under the weight of an "over 2 carat" emerald-cut, platinum-set diamond solitare. Smart brides: skip this book.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this one, but it's mostly just a WASP-y girl being apologetic and "conflicted" about buying the Vera Wang gown, having 9 bridesmaids, etc...and then analyzing it to death. All while quoting Jaclyn Geller's "Here Comes the Bride" and random women. It reads like a college essay (where are the footnotes?) and doesn't do much to challenge the reader--I felt like I had to drag myself to finish it.

[Melissa Cavanaugh · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really just for the bridal obsessed. Wicoff's attempts at a sociological perspective on the wedding industry are too thoroughly tainted by her own recent experience. Her anecdotes lend color to the book, but she extrapolates too much from her own experience where research would have made her case stronger. And she quotes Jaclyn Geller's "Here Comes the Bride" so often that I felt like I just should have read that one.

[ghost · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel largely as if this could have been a decent essay dealing with the trappings of marriage and what they mean in today's feminist climate - however, contrary to it, it seemed as if this were merely a vehicle for the author to continually rehash her own fairly typical wedding for all the world's eyes to see. Crap, but not entirely terrible crap.

[Melissa (So Behind) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kamy Wicoff has been there. She’s been through getting engaged, planning a wedding, and carrying through the nuptials. In I Do but I Don't, she combines memoir with an analysis of why this all matters so much to us - and gets to the heart of wedding planning and all of the details involved.

According to I Do but I Don't, weddings are a $125 billion dollar industry, and the traditions and expectations for the big day have changed very little since the 1950s. Although Wicoff tries to say that all of the expensive trappings surrounding weddings are just excess, it didn’t seem to stop her from having an elaborate wedding herself. This part of the book rings a bit false. Either embrace your own choices or criticize them—don’t say that they are unnecessary and then turn around and do them yourself. It makes the book less meaningful because of this.

But overall, if you are planning a wedding, or have an interest in weddings, I Do but I Don't is fun and captivating. Wicoff has a wonderful sense of humor, and the book is fast-paced and easy to read. The anecdotes she offers to make her points are right on with what she is trying to say.

I have been a wedding coordinator for over ten years, and I will certainly recommend I Do but I Don't to many brides. Especially for those feeling a great deal of pressure from others around them, this book will help brides to clarify their feelings and views and decide what is really important.

[Dest · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have a lot of the same problems with weddings as the author. Namely:

1. When I knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend, why did I feel the need to sit around and wait to be asked for my hand? Aren't we equals?

2. Re: #1, why then did I enjoy my boyfriend's proposal SO MUCH (and SUPER LOVE my engagement ring when I never wear jewelry)?

3. How can I have a beautiful wedding all my friends and family will enjoy without getting sucked into the monster that is the Wedding Industrial Complex?

4. My matrimonial glee is tempered by so many things: the fact that my gay friends can't get married, the amount of money we're expected to spend, the looming question of whether I'm going to change my name, the anxiety of planning a once-in-a-lifetime event, etc., etc., etc.

So, yes, planning a wedding as a modern, progressive lady is a study in contradictions. Most of us want something between tradition and nonconformity (the author often refers to this as feeling "sandwiched"). The trouble is, you can't really have it both ways. You either change your name or you don't. You either spend big bucks or you don't. There are just a few areas where real compromise is possible, and the rest of it requires you to commit to what you're doing and try not to think too hard about the alternatives once you've decided.

The single best thing that came out of reading this book is I realized I don't have it nearly as bad as the author. She ended up having a completely huge, traditional wedding (Vera Wang gown, black tie affair, the works) and seemed to feel tortured by it all. By comparison, I feel only mildly nauseous.

And the other thing I got out of this book (or really that my fiance is getting out of me reading this book): The author bemoans the fact that women get very expensive engagement presents while men get nada (except, of course, the promise of lifelong love). So, to be fair, I'm going to buy Jeff a piece of male jewelry (i.e. a watch) as an engagement present. So there's gender equality for you. It cuts both ways, ladies.

[Erin Blair · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a nonfiction book about the mental process of a bride, from engagement to wedding. This book was gifted to me after I got engaged last year, and I did identify with some of the author's thoughts on the wedding and marriage. However the author is really liberal, is not at all a fan of tradition - and for a conservative gal like me, I found myself shaking my head at all the feminist propaganda. However the historical background the author providse on wedding traditions was interesting and entertaining.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it incredibly useful for someone to write down their personal conflicts with the current state of engagements and proposals. There seems to be more written for the actual wedding. While Kamy initially felt that she had fallen for the usual customs and mindless consumerism of the wedding industrial complex, she was able to really evaluate her experience. Her insight has made me question things that I never even thought of questioning before.

[Izzy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Never did finish this one, but I wasn't impressed by the opening chapter. Sure, the stereotype of women as marriage-hungry mantraps is awful, and sure, it creates a total mental boondoggle for independent feminist types who actually ARE hungry to get married to their reluctant boyfriends -- but do we really need a book to explain that?

[Ruhegeist · Rating 1 out of 5]

putting this to the side for now. tired of reading the stereotypes, drama, over-thinking, self-conscious insanity. definitely worth reading. has great food for thought, insight to society and her her own psyche but need to take it in small doses.

[Wench · Rating 2 out of 5]

One of about a bazillion books purporting to take a critical look at the state of American weddings, I read this book in, oh, 2008 or so, while preparing for my own wedding. While Wicoff has some good observations, I found myself rolling my eyes at her more often than not.

[Miranda Sofe Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Exactly how a social science book (and any nonfiction, really) should be written. Intriguing and well researched, but still personal and connection-driven. I could use a bit more research, but based on concept this book made feminism current and personal.

[Beth Gilmartin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting critique of the gender roles dictated by modern marriage conventions.

[Celine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Essentially primer on male-female power dynamics and the many ways in which these disparities play out over the course of an engagement/wedding. I did appreciate Wicoff's explicit acknowledgement of the fact that society and the wedding industrial complex do knowingly play into and take advantage of brides' fears and anxieties, and there is a small amount of discussion regarding how to to identify and avoid common bridal mental traps, but overall I found the book disappointing. The worst part was the tedious amount of time Wicoff spent on her own engagement/bridal story.

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Back when Katrina was dating Chris, she said that she'd like to find a "feminist guide to weddings." While this book isn't a "how-to" in terms of planning a feminist wedding, it definitely gives the feminist bride plenty to reflect upon.

The book is basically a memoir of Kamy's own bridal experience, from the engagement to the big day, with each chapter focused on a particular aspect of the journey (the diamond ring, the dress, the bachelorette party, etc.) In addition to sharing her own experiences and internal struggle with the various aspects of bridal preparation, she also examines the history and cultural messages embedded within these traditions, and this is where the book really shines. Many feminists find themselves feeling conflicted over the course the bridal journey takes, and this book helps to put words and specifics to that general feeling of discomfort. Kamy has been criticized often for having a "traditional, black-tie, expensive wedding," even though in the book she despairs of the messages behind many of these traditions. However, I think this is the only way the book could have authentically captured the tension many feminist brides feel -- it would have been off-putting to read a book by someone so hardcore that they did everything differently and felt self-righteous about it, or to read one by someone who tried to convince me of the value of these various traditions. Kamy offers her story and her research, but ultimately leaves final decisions and reactions up to the reader. (I've read reviews of this book that calls it "toxic" to brides, implying that it ruins the "fun" of these traditions -- and all I have to say is that it's quite sad to live in a world where understanding the history and cultural implications of your rituals is "toxic.")

Like Kamy, I had a mostly traditional wedding. Deepening my reflection on the meaning of all of these rituals and rites of passage from many different schools of thought -- feminist, Christian, Catholic, historical, etc. -- only served to connect me more deeply to the experience.

My main criticism of the book is that it felt like it ended rather abruptly, without adequately synthesizing everything the reader has been taking in. Kamy didn't offer a clear "vision" for how we might preserve the sanctity of wedding traditions while also bringing them into more balance for everyone involved. Still, I loved the academic, clear-eyed perspective of this book, and how it served as a perfect counterpoint to the more "touchy-feely" bridal books I explored in the year leading up to the wedding.

[Maura Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m probably not the usual reader of I Do But I Don’t, in that I’m single and not preparing to get married—and even if I were, the notion of a big fluffy white wedding with nine bridesmaids like the one Wicoff had makes me cringe. But, I am a 33-year-old woman with lots of friends who are getting married in that style, so reading I Do But I Don’t was helpful in that it gave me some insight into why so many women who otherwise reject traditions and assert their individuality turn into Brides seemingly all cut from the same cloth once an engagement ring lands on their finger.

Peer pressure and the desire to conform to societal expectations seem like Wicoff’s primary explanations for such behavior. At least, those were the forces working on her as she prepared to marry; despite her unease with many of the traditions she was expected to carry out, Wicoff found herself unable to break free of the Bride role her parents, fiancé, and friends constructed for her. And, to be honest, she didn’t always want to resist that role: Wicoff admits that she enjoyed the magical moment when she found “her” dress at Vera Wang, and she got so wrapped up in orchestrating the perfect wedding that she had more than a couple Bridezilla moments as the big day approached. But after it was all over, Wicoff confronted the fact that she would have done many things differently, or at least examined them more deeply, rather than simply go along with the script she felt she’d been handed.

But there’s also an element of I Do But I Don’t that I knew before opening the book’s cover and that colored my reading of it: Wicoff is now divorced from Andrew, the man she married in the book. And having read a few essays she’s written about her divorce, I knew that their relationship was troubled even before they married, which you can guess if you read between the lines (Andrew comes across as a little materialistic and controlling). But that knowledge also makes the book even more thought-provoking. Did Wicoff, raised by a second-wave feminist mother, really feel so pressured to conform to societal expectations that she knowingly went ahead with a troubled union rather than risk becoming an “old maid” in her late twenties? If that’s the case, I find it even more worrying than her feeling of obligation toward having a bachelorette party and registering for gifts. How we marry is certainly important, as Wicoff argues. But why we marry is even more so, and peer pressure or a feeling of obligation are just about the worst reasons I can imagine.

[Jesse · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am so glad there is a book out there about how messed up the modern wedding industry is. Wicoff provides a feminist dissection of several different aspects of her wedding planning from the proposal, the dress, the bachelorette party, and the day itself.

Wicoff talks about things so many of us notice but never address. Why can’t women propose? Why is it expected a woman will change her name? Why do so many place price gouge the second you say wedding? Why are you sized up by your ring? She talks about bridal anxiety, pressure, identity crisis, and the rampant consumerism that has come to represent modern matrimony.

I appreciated all the external research Wicoff put into this. She backs up her opinions and observations and gives them more context. She also interviews several other women about their experiences with the wedding industry. My only complaint there was that I could have liked to have seen more details about some of the women interviewed. Wicoff gives us context for any woman she quotes but I would have liked her to have gone a bit deeper with a few of those women.

The book did drag on in several places and in some places it just started to sound very repetitive. Wicoff usually moved on to a different aspect of whatever topic she was addressing but not with great immediacy. That made the book feel longer than it was in places. Either way, I liked this book and I think more people need to think like this about the wedding world.

[Joellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it! The wedding industry is not thinking of you when they put out all these glossy magazines to help you plan your wedding, it's their own purses that concern them. It's true that women are made to feel guilty if they do not plan the perfect wedding and Kamy points out that this guilt is not extended to the grooms. I've always put a lot of thought into why people do what they do. It's sometimes hard to do it your own way, but I've never taken "that's way it's done" as a reason for anything. Not saying I don't also give in to peer pressure occasionally but if I do, I usually recognize it for what it is. The book has the 2 components for me, a very feminist look at what it means to become a bride and wife. It sometimes reminded me of "The Second Shift" in this sense. "The Second Shift" does a good job of pointing out how women fool themselves into thinking their husbands are sharing the workload rather than face the truth. There is a lot of this in "I Do" as well. The second component makes you aware of the manipulations going on behind the scenes. The book really makes you see the way women are manipulated into spending ever increasing amounts to buy that perfect day. It helps to be planning a wedding to really appreciate this book. But if you totally buy in to the idea of the bride/wife in the traditional sense you'll probably hate it!

[Myridian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a feminist/sociological examination of what it means for a woman to be engaged, planning a wedding, and getting married.  It balances a memoir-type description of the author’s experiences doing all of those things, with sociological commentary about these events.  I thought this book was very thought provoking.  I’m not sure I would have gotten as into it if I weren’t engaged myself, but as it is a lot of the book resonated for me, such as the fact that I expected my fiancé to be as involved in preparations as I am (which is not the case).  There were some things in the book that I disagreed with or found downright contradictory, such as the relegation of women to the role of infant or mother.  While I do think that both of these are stereotypical ways in which society relates to women, it would be hard to imagine two more disparate roles than the powerful mother and the completely dependent infant and the author jumps between comparing women to one and the other without addressing this conflict.  My one other complaint is that the book does tend to use popular authors as its sources rather than something more scholarly and while the author herself is a journalist which makes this completely understandable, I do think that it weakens the text

[Laura Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was uniquely brilliant as it enabled me to sort out my own thoughts on marriage and other rituals, and for the most part I agreed with everything Kamy had to say about "sandwiched women". It was, however, very confronting, as I like to have a positive outlook on society. I also had to really take a look at myself as a large part of me wanted to close the book and pretend I had never read it, despite the fact that I take pride in thinking deeply about those things that are uncomfortable to think about.

I definitely recommend this for women who are nearing that time in their lives when they are getting engaged and married. One thing that she says over and over, is that maybe she wouldn't have agonised as much over her boyfriend taking so long to propose, if she had considered proposing to him - because even if you aren't comfortable with diverging from tradition in this way, it allows a woman to really ask herself if she is ready to spend the rest of her life with someone and empathise with the fears of proposing wrong on top of that which many men undoubtedly feel.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

It made me feel less alone. For those who have questioned the heavy importance weddings have taken in our culture, the symbolism of traditional wedding practices, and how this relates to one's life as a woman, this book may also, for you, be much like holding up a mirror. As the other readers suggest, it presents a strong point of view that may not be everyone' cup of tea, and the "sociological" and "personal narrative" shifts can be slightly jarring at times, but personally, as a woman planning a much simpler, less traditional wedding than Wicoff's and still feeling inexpiclably frustrated and sad (as she recounts) despite adoring and enjoying my husband-to-be (as she did), I found this book a godsend.

[Kricket · Rating 5 out of 5]

look, i think this should be required reading for all engaged couples. if it was, all of us would attend fewer lame cookie-cutter weddings and things would be more meaningful for those making the choice to get hitched. wicoff's writing is so pleasing, and she demystifies so very many of the stupid and meaningless traditions we have come to associate with weddings in the U.S. i'd already planned most of my wedding before i read this book, but i still thank her for reinforcing my love of pink engagement rings, short wedding dresses, and husbands taking the last names of their wives. a must-read for west michigan senior scramblers.

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be very though provoking and asked many of the same questions I had been asking myself and just sweeping under the rug because I thought I was just being silly or because when I asked them they were never answered and I was ridiculed for even wondering such things.

I do however feel that she does over-think at times and push concepts to a point that is much uglier than what is really there.

Overall, I would certainly recommend this to any one who is engaged or to anyone who is soon to be. Though I would probably only recommend it for women, unless it is a man who really wants to dive into how the woman's mind operates. Haha :).

[Roxanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book I really loved. People think wrongly that the more money you throw at a wedding the happier a couple will be. That is so not true. Wedding are super expensive and they try to talk you into stuff you do not even want. I did a $200 wedding in Las Vegas with 8 friends in a lovely chapel and then we stayed there for our honeymoon. The wedding chapel did all the work. I am still married no for 36 years. A wedding lasts such a short time, but brides keep believing in the fairy tale wedding and if they afford it more power to them. But if you cannot a small wedding with your loved ones can be very special also.

[Joanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book definitely has its limitations: it's particular to only a small subsection of the population (middle & upper class meritocratic WASPS) and Ms. Wicoff seems a little too enamored with reliving the details of her own engagement and marriage. However, I still though it was a fascinating and meaningful exploration of the ritual of marriage in American culture. It raises important questions about what the symbols and meanings attached to marriage implicitly and explicitly communicate about men and women in our ostensibly post-feminist world.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This turned out to be pretty interesting. There are certainly dimensions to be critical of, but I think she tries to examine wedding rituals and their significance in the context of gender roles in marriage and society more broadly effectively. It could be useful for anyone who felt very conflicted about planning a wedding, particularly due to the wedding industry and the overwhelming expectations of others, and also for anyone who will plan a wedding and will inevitably confront the "wedding-industrial complex" and themselves in the process.

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book tries to be a thoughtful critique of wedding culture in the U.S. But I couldn't help reading it as a fruitless struggle. The author agonizes over everything, from waiting for her boyfriend to propose, to wearing a large diamond ring, to a designer wedding dress and wedding weight loss -- and then does the expected thing every time, justifying it to herself in various ways.

I'm not criticizing her for making the traditional choices. But I would have liked to see more discussion of what it meant that she did.

[Sarah Pascarella]

I try never to abandon books, but this author just didn't gel with me, and I had to give up a few chapters in. Her breathless rehashing of her own wedding's stressors stressed me out more than my own wedding preparations did! I appreciate how she tried to bring a critical eye to the current madness of wedding planning today, but her perspective was so self-centered that I found her off-putting. I wish this had been billed as a straight memoir rather than part memoir/part sociological critical analysis; it's definitely more of the former.