Гарячі й безтурботні. Відчуйте бажання свого тіла

by Yana Tallon-Hicks

Сучасний медіапростір сповнений відвертого контенту. Еротичні сцени в кіно, книжки 18+, спокуслива реклама — усе це створює картинку ідеального сексу, але ніяк не впливає на сексуальну освіченість у цій царині чи на прийняття себе. Тож сексолог Яна Теллон-Гікс у своєму дослідженні ставить на меті зруйнувати усталені міфи та подолати культуру сорому, а ще — створити безпечний простір, де кожен зможе дослідити свою сексуальність.

Авторка досліджує сексуальність у всіх її проявах та нормалізує будь-які відносини за взаємною згодою — від традиційних гетеросексуальних до поліаморних та ЛГБТіК+. До кожного з розділів авторка додала робочі аркуші, вправи і контрольні запитання, опрацювавши які, кожен зможе зробити своє сексуальне життя яскравим, розкутим, наповненим несподіваними відкриттями та приємними дослідженнями.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Relationships, Queer, Psychology, Audiobook

480 pages, Hardcover

Published October 1, 2023

Reviews

[Maya Hoffman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Essential reading in my opinion. Yana taught a workshop at my college and it was invaluable. Our education system fails kids on sex ed but this book and Yana’s work is a great step in countering that collective societal failure. Only 4 instead of 5 stars because it could be 50-100 pages shorter (editor’s job.) Nitpickey as an editor myself, but the book was too repetitive and wordy at times. But overall still very worth the read and essential to read!

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

The sex ed content we all desperately needed as young people, but never got. Required reading if you are any sort of a sexual being in this world. Do yourself a favour and read this book.

[Elisabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I would recommend reading the physical book rather than the audiobook like I did. While it is well narrated, the existence of many worksheets and questions with no available way to access them online or print made it a less than stellar experience. I think if I end up dating someone, this would be a good reread, but it was not super helpful for me in my current space.

[Monica Stuffle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Comparing this to Emily Nagoski's book, this was everything that "Come As You Are" was not. Nagoski's book was frivolous, patronizing, and too focused on metaphors to consider trusting the intelligence of the reader. Which is probably why I closed the book feeling more frustrated than I was before.

Hot and Unbothered scared me at first with the quirky title and drawings, but turned out to be a more grounded take on much of the same advice that Nagoski touched on - except through the lens of a great therapist. This was a thorough, gentle, and all-encompassing guide to troubleshooting your sex life without treating you like an idiot. I was torn between a four and five star rating, but landed on four only because I personally would have liked to go more in-depth about things that lacked detail, along with some more subsurface topics. I'm sure I can find that in a more academic book, but I was still hopeful for this one.

While the information in here was not new by any means, I strongly recommend this over Come As You Are for those looking to feel more comfortable in their sexuality. The things you might already know about sex will be presented to you as a gentle reminder, and it really helps you organize complicated feelings into something approachable.

[Annabelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

*communicate*

[Bell Of The Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another "need to own" nfic for the year.

This is a book that every human needs to read, absorb, embrace, and apply.

There's so much to take in from it...
From uncovering so many lies we live with about SEX, sexuality, consent, needs, desires, ourselves and partners.

Sex isn't meant to be fake, forced, fear-filled, or feigned.
Rather a safe space for open dialog and communication with all parties.

We don't even realize, until prompted to dig a bit, just how much we've lived incorrectly believing/doing in this area.

It's not Hollywood, hot and steamy, perfect porn-norms!
Instead it should be fun, open, organic, original. Unique to those involved.

This book brings straight up honesty to the bedroom and beyond.

My vote?
This should be given or taught in our high schools. Not the ridiculous, vague, extremely unhelpful sex-ed they feed them now.

We have entire generations that have lived without good sex in their lives. Due mainly to lack or fear of communicating, asking, sharing their wants, setting comfortable boundaries, and more.

I only have one complaint....there's little discussion about the huge amount of sexual abuse in our society and it's (massive) mental and physical limitations, triggers, and paralysis it puts on its victims.
She does provide other resources to address that more in depth, but I'd have loved to hear her take on ideas and remedies to working through those road blocks. Oh well.

My biggest take away?
Talk it out!
If you don't have a partner you can do that with, move on!! Get one!
But if they truly love you, they'll be there to hear and also be heard.
I promise it will be a bit awkward, scary, embarrassing!
At first.
But the more we share the closer we connect, bond, have true space to be free to be ourselves.
And where else should we be this open and vulnerable but in our beds?!

Get this book.
Share this book.
Use this book.
Live this book.

[Gigi · Rating 5 out of 5]

É errado querer que os jovens-adultos peguem esse livro e o leiam? Porque se for, eu não me importo nem um pouco!!!

TODOS DEVERIAM LER 'HOT AND UNBOTHERED'.

Mais do que uma não ficção, esse livro é cheio de dicas; um altíssimo teor psicológico e também filosófico; é sobre o estigma por trás da palavra - e do ato - sexo; é sobre se encontrar; se amar; se aceitar [...] Amei muito e só tenho boas coisas a falar e a pensar sobre.

[Alyssa Riha · Rating 3 out of 5]

~3.5 stars~

great intro to learning about boundaries, communication, and sexual identity! i would have loved more exploration through different approaches rather than CBT, and at times it felt that advice went on a little longer than needed.

loved the squirter representation tho

[Audrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Words cannot express enough how I wish I had found this book much sooner, but I am so happy I have found it now. If you’re trying to learn about sex or re-wire what you were taught in school (or not taught) i think its definitely a good place to start. Loved it

[Moriya Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading IMO.

[shelby · Rating 4 out of 5]

read this outside in public and people probably judged me but i don’t care because i’m bringing in all this lovely pleasure and sex knowledge to educating the masses!

[Jess Bae · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is SUCH a gift! Grateful that Yana put in the work, while pregnant and parenting in the pandemic, to share this excellent guide with the world.

Growing up, Dan Savage was my #1 sex educator. As a result, I was a 17-year old virgin well-versed in gay male fetish community norms but ill-equipped to understand or share my own desires. Tallon-Hicks helps us with less exotic but more important fundamentals: how to figure out what you are interested in, how to talk about that with lovers, how to make requests and say and hear "no," etc.

Lots of diverse and fairly relatable case examples. The many worksheets provide excellent prompts for reflection. I want to give this to all the young adults I know. I use it in sessions with my own clients, and have used it in my own dating life.

I LOVE that this book works with the erotic differentiation model, as opposed to what Tallon-Hicks calls the "compromise is key" model. I feel that the culture needs more education about differentiation in relationships, especially as a balance to some of our more merger-focused attachment ideas. Tallon-Hicks is updating these ideas (think Harriet Lerner or David Schnarch) for a new generation.

As a relational therapist inspired by Julie Reshe and Avgi Saketopoulou, I skimmed over some of the CBT-inspired guides. Naturally, if you have heavy trauma and shame, some of the CBT framing (that our own desires are easily known to us and communicable to others) this might feel disheartening. But that's what depth therapy is for! This book is an EXCELLENT primer for communicating about tricky sexual issues!

[Shakeria Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely love Yana ! I went to a virtual meet and greet for her at Lark & Owl Booksellers and she was so honest and so transparent in the advice she gave! And you know we love an inclusive QUEEN ❤️ the language used in this book is so refreshing and open. Also loved doing the reflection worksheets. I didn’t write in my book because I plan to definitely pass this in to a few friends!

[ginathebibliohoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

🥵 hot and unbothered 😇⠀
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how to think about,⠀
⠀
talk about,⠀
⠀
and have the s//x you really want. ⠀
⠀
by: Yana Tallon-Hicks⠀
⠀
i don’t remember how i found Yana @the_vspot on here (probably @stripperwriter) but i’m so thankful! between soaking up those two educational social media accounts over the years - it’s been very helpful 🥹 i don’t know about you, but sexual education for me focused on all the wrong things and had damaging and false expectations. i was STOKED when Yana announced she was writing this book. this book needs to be in every school curriculum. 👏⠀
⠀
it did not disappoint! she invites you to find out who is your truest self, actually? cherish, protect, appreciate, and celebrate that! i love that she included and was very sensitive to all sexualities and orientations. ⠀
⠀
if you’re struggling in a relationship in this area, or are doing just fine, this book will definitely leave you better than it found you. she helps unpack communication issues, boundary settings, reshaping negative narratives, and navigating desire discrepancies. i loved all the work sheets (aftercare was eye opening) and super deep digging questions (how do you look someone in the eye after they’ve lustfully expressed their desire to cover you in whipped cream and lick it off and respond with a solid, “no way, man. that’s just a yeast infection waiting to happen”?). yana challenges you to find yourself, that most authentic self, so that you can bring authentic pleasure, healthy boundaries, genuine wants, and healthy curiosity about our partners along with it. ⠀
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“daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”⠀
⠀
🖤 have courage ⠀
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🖤 love yourself ⠀
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🖤 take risks ⠀
⠀
🖤 and go right ahead and disappoint others ⠀
⠀
because when you speak up you are saying:⠀
my boundaries matter and so do yours. ⠀
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i could go on and on and share more but i hope you’ll run to your library or local book shop and dig in for yourself 👏 you’ll be glad you did. ⠀
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oh, and the illustrations by @artbyrebeca were fantastic 😮‍💨🖤

[Dana Ishchuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Це перша моя книга з сексуальної літератури і мені відверто сподобалось.

Широко розкриті теми, огляд різних ситуацій зі всіх боків, схеми роботи. Найбільше сподобалось те, що це можна застосовувати не лише в еротичному житті, а й при побутових сварках/ конфліктах чи розбіжностях. Адже тут є хороші акценти на тому, щоб слухати партнера, чути ні, поважати свої та його кордони, вміти вибачатись і бути відповідальним, коли зробив неприємно чи боляче.

Справді, легко можна сприймати книгу, як психологічний посібник для пар про те, як будувати екологічну комунікацію, промовляти незручні моменти і просто вчитись розмовляти одне з одним.

«Для стосунків потрібні двоє» Володимира Станчишина, яка мала б бути профільною, не дала мені стільки зрозумілих пояснень і схем для роботи.😅

Деколи було дещо нудно читати, бо все-таки це американська подача матеріалу (хто знає, той знає), а це багато розсмоктування одного і того ж самого, повторів, а також багато прикладів з власної терапії, тобто розповіді про умовних Джона і Кейт :) Але, оминаючи це все, то інструмент для роботи над стосунками дуже крутий.

[Tressa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up to 4 stars.

This book is helpful in many ways: it dispels common myths around sex (“your body has to be certain way”; “you’re already supposed to know how to have ‘good’ sex”); it discusses some common barriers to sexual activity; it helps you learn about your sexual preferences by way of activities; and there’s a great deal about boundaries and what to do when they’re unintentionally broken. This is largely a book about improving communication around sexual topics (which is a good thing!).

I have read about some of these topics before but what this book offers that’s different is a glimpse into therapy techniques and how they can be applied to a sex and intimacy setting. I also appreciate that the author acknowledged her privilege and identity (white, cisgender, able-bodied, thin, bisexual/queer) and also used diverse examples of patients to explain concepts.

I recommend this title for anyone who wants to improve communication around sex and intimacy and it’s even better for individuals who have been in therapy and want to apply these techniques to their sex life.

[MacKenzie Carlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Came across this title through following Rebeca Soto, the illustrator (so good!)
Though I didn’t actively utilize and fill out the workbook, I did look through it as prompted and am really impressed by it. This is an incredible resource. I found the bits regarding desire discrepancy, pleasure pessimism, and boundary setting & repairing to be especially insightful information that would be beneficial for our society as a whole to consider and have access to via free comprehensive sex education.

[Daryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's often hard for me to rate/review nonfiction books because I struggle reading them even when I feel engaged with the topic, but this one earned it's five starts by being an easy to understand read that felt at times like I was in a written therapy session and other times talking with a trusted friend. I can see taking lessons from this book to apply to many areas in my life beyond just the intended subject (and absolutely applied to the intended subject lol)

[Chris Austin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm pleased that this book discussed fixed mindsets vs growth mindsets, referenced Brene Brown somewhat frequently, and emphasizes authentic connection and pleasure over specific outcomes.

I ended up taking a decent number of notes since it's very much a workbook that emphasizes reflection and discussion.

[Lily Sider · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the most informative books I have ever read, and from such a compassionate voice, too. It’s almost as if I had never heard anyone talk about sex before reading this, it has literally reframed the entirety of how I think about sex and talking about it with my partner. It really tore down the walls and built them back up from scratch. Like, I’ve got a whole new house now, man.

[Rae Kennedy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of this was not-new-to-me information and I found myself skipping and skimming a lot of sections, but would def recommend this book to someone who is learning to navigate consent, boundaries, and collaborative partnered-sex. I needed this book in my 20’s! Glad it exists, but ready to move on.

[Aslanidis Georgios · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great book. It was very helpful. A lot of examples. I really suggest it.
Sex. Imposter syndrome
cognitive behavioral therapy
differentiation - Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson

I love that you mentioned Brene brown and Emily Nagoski

Thank you for this book

[Christian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good amount of stuff in here about desire discrepancies, navigating consent and also just generally getting in touch w what you want. Not as entertaining as I’d have hoped but I mean what self-help book really is?

[Hallie Poor · Rating 3 out of 5]

From a clinical standpoint, I would have liked to see more than CBT interventions but it’s a great place for a lot of people to start when it comes to making sexuality and desire more accessible in general discussion and relationships.

[M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny, inclusive, awesome. This is the sex ed we all needed and are lucky to have available now. I went in to reading this with no specific sex issues or problems I was looking to work through, and I still came away feeling like I learned a lot about myself in the process. Love it. 10/10

[Andrew Mason · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book would be very helpful for those who are conflicted when asking for what they want and have a hard time expressing their boundaries. if, however, you have read other books on these topics there isn't much new, but still a great book overall

[Katie Bruell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book not just about sex, but about being a person who knows what she wants and needs from life and relationships.

[Grunge SeaBunny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very informative and I loved the illustrations

[Tiffany Sheldon · Rating 5 out of 5]

May need a language disclaimer for some but very insightful. Great exercise in this book about communication and touch.

[Kiana Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

everyone must read, essential survival skills