I guess you know me well, I don't like winter / But I seem to get a kick out of doing you cold (Strange Relationship – Prince).
You’ve got to hand it to Josh Lanyon, it’s not every day when you can get away with writing the same book a hundred times over, with only a few differing details to make things seem fresh. That takes talent and that's pretty cool. Hey! Does anybody remember that one Twilight Zone episode where some dude is in a living nightmare where he’s on death row about to be executed and when he “dies” he wakes up right back at the start of the same nightmare, the only differences being that the “characters” in the dream have shifted around? I think we all remember that gnarly episode! The reason why I bring it up is that it's also the best representation of what it’s like to read a bunch of Josh Lanyon books in a row. Hm, is this shade? I honestly don’t know, because even though I have to admit to growing increasingly tired of this author’s work, it still doesn't feel right to say that I hated Puzzle for Two, even though I kind of did. It's like something is holding me back, isn’t that wild? I'm a little sad because I got a bunch of those Secrets & Scrabble books for my birthday a while back, so I still have fond memories of her books. My first gay mysteries! Ahhh, the nostalgia. But if I were honest, reading this book was like watching Marvel’s little “What If” show, because they never do anything interesting with it like, “what if Bucky were throwing it back for Captain American while they were hiding out in Wakanda?” and instead do a bunch of dumb, inconsequential stuff like “What if Thanos was blue?” or “What if Iron Man was wearing earrings during his famous coming out press conference?” Sorry, I know I’m coming in red hot and it might seem like I’m still holding a grudge against this author because of the racist stuff she put in her very famous book Somebody Killed His Editor where the line “Her eyes bulged – which is really not that easy with Asian eyes.” was uttered by the main character, but I do objectively think I’m just getting tired of reading her books. Stop me if this sounds familiar, but Puzzle for Two is all about a thirty-something guy named Zach who’s trying to make it as a modern day private detective (for reasons unknown) and gets hired by some rich fuck (think Neil Patrick Harris in Gone Girl) who hires him to be his pretend boyfriend and help sus out the person who’s maybe trying to kill him. Along the way, Zach soon realizes he probably needs the help of somebody who actually knows what he’s doing, and thus Flint, the hard ass love-interest, enters the picture.
It’s funny, because if you blank out a few parts, then this description could actually apply to most of these kinds of mysteries. Don’t believe me? Don’t worry, I’ll tally it up. Secrets & Scrabble is about a thirty-something with dry wit paired against hard ass love-interest, Murder Takes the High Road is about a thirty-something with dry wit paired against hard ass love-interest, The Boy Next Door is about... yup, you guessed it... a thirty-something with dry wit paired against a hard ass love-interest! And me? I’m the damn fool that read them. It's a bit sad because even though I'm all "'Cause the loving ain't the same, and you keep on playing games like you know I'm here to stay" right now, if I had read this book even a couple years ago, I might have thought it would have been this super transgressive piece of work! But now that it's become so oversaturated to the point where I can basically predict the way all of these things will go from the outset, I think I’m mostly over it. "Just like the Calgon commercial, I really gotta get up outta here and go somewhere." So… I’ve just been spending this entire review driving in the same point, saying the same thing over and over again like I’m the one writing Josh Lanyon's next mystery, but let me try to specify what exactly it was that I found so irksome about this book. Getting to the bottom of my issues and cracking the case... heh heh... if you will. First of all, I will give props to this book for finally breaking the curse by realizing that a bisexual character actually can exist outside of being the presumed “straight love-interest” and can be used as something other than a misdirection for the gay protagonist to ponder about their sexuality. Isn’t that nice? You’ve got to celebrate the small wins, I suppose. The only problem is that instead, Puzzle for Two goes all in on the stereotype of having the bi dude being portrayed as a sexually depraved pervert. Woah, wait a minute... that’s worse, actually! Now, I can’t speak to whether or not any of this uncomfortableness is intentional, but I can speak to my personal opinion, and seeing as there was already all that offensive stuff in this author’s very popular book, Somebody Killed His Editor (page 124), I’m not exactly inclined to give the benefit of the doubt. And much in the way that these mysteries all feel like the same story over and over and over again, I think an unfortunate thing about a lot of them is that I can’t help but feel like there’s a lack of diversity.
Sure, this is an LGBT+ book, there's no doubt about it and I think that’s great, I really do, and yet I still can’t help but feel like there’s a heavy “yeah, I’m gay, but I’m thankfully not one of those gays” vibe to this whole book that really rubbed me the wrong way. Basically a big plot point revolves around the rich dude I mentioned up there being into men wearing panties, and then everybody reacting like that’s the most morally reprehensible thing a person could do or want to do. Granted, the narrative tries to be somewhat sensitive to different kinks or whatever, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was an underlying judgement, you know? Come on now, the only “creep” character in the entire story is not only the only bisexual character, but also the only person who’s into something a little different in the bedroom? Kind of sus, if you ask me. I'll just say this, the main couple can have their little wholesome sex scenes, but we all know that the world has too many freaks, so move aside vanilla boy. But enough of my personal hang-ups, let’s look at this bad boy objectively™! Oh fuck… I still dislike it. Damn. Because even if I were to ignore all the stuff I found mildly offensive, I'm realizing that just didn’t like any of the characters, regardless. Drat! It didn’t help that at every little hitch in the road, Zach would always immediately be like, “Oo~oh boohoo, we should call the cops! This is a job for the proper authorities!!! I don't want to solve this mystery even though I gave up my future job as an accountant to try to become a Private Eye! I'm a loser and I have no natural curiosity despite being the main character in a fucking mystery novel!!” and I’m sorry, but is it too much to ask for a main character in a detective novel to not be such a fucking nark!? Go investigate, investigator! Otherwise, it's a recurring theme, but like all the others, I didn't like the romance between Zach and Flint. I think my thing is that I’ve always hated the fact that relationships in Josh Lanyon books are never based on respect and companionship, but rather infantilization and exasperation, which pairs poorly with the fact that none of the characters ever feel younger than middle aged men pretending like they're in their late twenties. So yeah, I know what you're thinking, why does this dude keep reading books from an author that he finds both offensive and trite? And you know what, you're right. I'll stop reading Josh Lanyon books from here on out! New year, new me! I mean, unless she just fully embraces writing full-on old man yaoi... then I'll be seated, but yeah, that's enough.
“It was just a thought.”
“Well, keep thinking.”