Püsiva armastuse käsiraamat: kuidas leida hoitud armastust

by Harville Hendrix, Kersti Carsten (Translator), Leelo Laurits (Editor)

Uus raamat „Teekond soovitud armastuseni“ autorilt Partneri leidmise soov on loomulik ja normaalne inimlik tung ning see unistus on täiesti teostatav. Olenemata sellest, millised on olnud su varasemad suhted ja millist südamevalu sa oled pidanud läbi elama, on sul vallalisena kõige parem aeg õppida seda, mida sul on vaja teada ja mida saad teha, et oma võimalusi armastust leida ja seda ka hoida mõõtmatult suurendada. Raamatus „Püsiva armastuse käsiraamat“ aitab tunnustatud suhteterapeut ja menukite autor Harville Hendrix sul: LEIDA oma imago-partneri ehk fantaasiapartneri, kelle su alateadvus, millel on omad eesmärgid, sulle on valinud; LÕHKUDA mustrid, mille oled vanemate kooselu jälgides alateadlikult oma suhtemudeliks võtnud; TUUA meeleheite asemele lootust, üksinduse asemele seltsi; ARENDADA suhtlusoskusi, et muuta tülid kokkupuutepunktiks – ja ühtsuseks; MUUTA kõik varasemad suhted positiivse arengu allikaks; AVASTADA tõelise armastuse eelised – ja need väikesed asjad, mis seda hoiavad … … ja veel palju rohkemat. „Püsiva armastuse käsiraamat“ on tulvil tarkust ja kaastunnet ning aitab sul hoida praegust või alustada uut suhet parimal võimalikul moel ja hoida armastust tugevana kogu elu.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Love, Marriage, Personal Growth

380 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 1992

About the author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book's title makes it seem super cheesy, but really, I think everyone that is single needs to read it and everyone married needs to read its predecessor, "Getting the Love You Want."

This book is fascinating on both a personal level and on a sociological level.

Basic premise: We are attracted to potential mates and admire qualities in them that are seemingly different from ourselves. Those qualities end up annoying us and a power struggle ensues. Example: "I love that David is so hard working and ambitious, he is bound to be successful." Later: "David is always working. He never makes time for me. When he is home, he ignores me, watches TV, and goes to sleep." The author asserts that she subconsciously chose David because he has characteristics that are similar to a parent who also didn't give her the attention she yearned for. She wants to be healed from this scarring experience and can only accomplish this by revisiting the wound through a monogamous relationship. David also chose her for the same purpose, to heal his childhood wounds. Perhaps he had a lazy father who didn't work much and therefore, David feels he must overcompensate for his father's failings. The author says that by consciously acknowledging these issues, using dialogue, and committing to behavior change motivated by love for your partner, is the only way each can heal. The author then tells readers how to begin this dialogue/healing process whether single or in a relationship.

Now, this sounds a little fruity, I know. The author, however, makes a strong case. He describes quite accurately what conflicts emerge within relationships and explains why. He also describes what happens if the power struggle continues -- either divorce or "acceptance of an unsatisfying but tolerable marriage." I encourage you to read it for yourself. Here are a few quotes that I thought were most interesting or telling about the current state of marriage in our country and the author's ideas that I thought that rang true.

p19 "The social fabric of our country is unraveling before our eyes, and the disintegration is directly traceable to the crisis in the family, specifically to the quality of marriages... Underlying the crisis is a critical overlooked fact: the long-stagnant institution of marriage has undergone a revolution in the last century. But our minds and our hearts have not kept up with this change. Because we have not reoriented ourselves to the revised agenda of marriage, we're making a mess of it."

p23 "Divorce may allow people to escape from bad marriages, but until we take steps to ensure good marriages, to facilitate individual happiness and fulfillment, until we learn what we're about, we will continue to have desperate singles, joyless marriages, troubled children, and a society becoming more dysfunctional by the decade."

p43 "A feeling of aliveness is what we're after with our cars and condos and boats and gourmet food, our designer clothes and recreational sex and skin flicks and skydiving, our deafening music and jogging and walks on the beach and TV and movies. Materialism, hedonism, greed, self-centeredness--all hallmarks of the American way--are getting a bad name these days... all this compulsive activity really represents... is that we live in a world, and in relationships, that don't allow us to feel truly alive. And if we don't feel alive, we feel like we're doing to die. So we do something, buy something, binge on something, take drugs, drink, run twenty miles, get laid, turn up the music."

p44 "We spend so much of our lives trying to find, or to create, meaning in our lives when what we truly want is to feel the fullness of our own experience, to feel the pulsation of our aliveness. For so many years I doggedly, intellectually addressed questions of life's meaning and now I realize that's what you do when you don't feel fully alive. Our purposes and goals are a substitute , a sublimation for feeling alive and joyful."

p178-179 "What is true is that the human psyche, male or female, is not static: it evolves. And what we are currently witnessing is the emergence of the feminine. This emergence parallels--and is a continuation of--the evolution of our society from monarchy to democracy and the parallel emergence of the individual from the collective, which I spoke of in Chapter 2). Individual freedom, a relatively recent concept in our psychohistorical evolution, has in reality amounted to a feeling of the masculine only. The creation story of woman being fabricated from the rib of man reflects the patriarchal society from which it emerged; it is a social rather than a biological reality. But the feminine has remained "embedded" in the masculine and is only now emerging in its own, separate but equal, right. This emergence of the feminine has stirred up considerable alarm and discomfort, particularly on the role-embedded males.... The genders are trading places these days, maintaining the polarity, when what is needed is synthesis."

p180 "Gender is an ethical issue as well. Inequality is unethical, and we human beings have an innate drive for equality that parallels the drive for individual freedom on which our country was founded... Since inequalities are inconsistent with individual freedom, the drive for the equality of the feminine is a natural phenomenon... the next step in the process by with the human psyche is evolving... ultimately to a partnership of equals... moving toward the integration of the masculine and feminine, societally and individually."

p295 "To risk the self in the service of the other is to save the self."

Seeing the forest through the trees:
p301 "We must use our capacity for knowing and self-correction to consciously cooperate with Nature's impulse for self-repair and self-completion. Through its reflective consciousness--science, psychology, sociology, theology, and other disciplines--nature is revealing the tears we have made in the tapestry of being, and seeking to enlist our participation in the healing of our species and the planet. To cooperate with this fantastic project is to participate in the healing of the universe."

[Trish Doolin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing and refreshing book for anyone who is frustrated with the singles scene and the game playing of dating. It puts your whole dating experience into perspective and helps you rethink your notion of romantic love. I read this shortly before meeting the man who has since become my husband and without it our relationship (now in its 6th yr)probably would not have ended up the same way. The companion Getting the Love you Want for married and committed couples is great too!

[Ruby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Anyone who claims they have read this book and completed all the exercises in their entirety has to be either a flat out liar or an individual with a remarkable threshold for pain.

I started this book in March 2011 and have been struggling to finish it ever since.

That isn't to say that the book isn't a good one. There are actually many, many favorable things about this book.
1. It is flammable (jk...sorta)
2. Hendrix has many interesting things to say about the Imago and why we are attracted to people we are. In the first half of the book, he goes into the various stages of human development and explains how all of us, have become "stuck" as it were, in one of the stages. Within our quest to unstuck ourselves, we are constantly attracted to individuals who will help perpetuate that stage of childhood and development in the hopes that this time we can actually overcome it. This is why we fall into patterns of relationships which repeat themselves. According to Hendrix, the relationship is intended to be a vehicle by which one heals their childhood wounds. This is very contrary to the popular idea that an individual needs to be "whole" and all "worked out" in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hendrix also goes into other ways in which people become "stuck" and how they end up psychologically in the relationships they do.

Hendrix's ideas are well written, interesting and very, very deep. I found myself going through the pages with highlighters and pencil and taking notes. Every page a different realization occurred to me and the book, overall inspired me with its ideas and enlightened me.

So, why was it painful? It was the exercises. Almost every chapter, Hendrix devises these tedious "exercises" which were generally long, painful, and incredibly boring and repetitious. I am sure that the exercises were meant to help one achieve self-realization and all that, but there just has to be a better way. I am not opposed to the idea of the exercises per se, but these just seemed drawn out and exhausting and they destroyed the rhythm of the book for me. For instance, the third chapter had an over 100+ questionnaire. Do you know how many hours it took for me to do that? Midway through the book, I just kept putting off and putting off the exercises. It was painful and annoying to do them. And then I started skipping them. In the last chapter, unfortunately, you have to utilize all of the exercises and bring them together. Unfortunately, It was at that point that I just gave up on the book without reading about how one actually does overcome their childhood wounds through the relationship :/

After struggling through this book for 9 months, and fighting my way through the ridiculous and boring exercises, I think I deserve to mark it as "read" even though I didn't read and complete every single word. Good luck to anyone who tackles this and a trophy for anyone who actually succeeds.

[Vincze Andrada · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The explanation is shocking, but it reveals a hard truth. We hate ourselves for having needs that we were told were excessive or inappropriate, and for having traits that were hated by our caretakers. We hate everything that was disapproved of: our needs, our sexuality, our feelings, our vulnerability, our competitiveness. Because of this self-hatred, we cannot believe we are lovable. Which brings us to a harsher truth. If your self-hatred makes it impossible for you to believe that you are lovable, it is impossible for the love of a partner to heal your wounds."

[Tom Morrow · Rating 1 out of 5]

I haven't read past page 100. I doubt that I'll continue any further.

Dr. H's book comes across as an immediate assault on the single life. It would seem he is personally uncomfortable with the concept himself and must be a spokesperson for married life. This could be his own personal religious beliefs disturbing an objective viewpoint.

I find it a bit simplistic to state being "whole" revolves around whether your married or single. I can't believe he would even start the book off with such utter nonsense.

He also comes across as homophobic evidenced even before the first chapter. Why would his book not apply to gays and lesbians? They are single just like anyone else and their sexual preference has nothing to do with anything. He never should've even brought it up.

I doubt the rest of this book will have any clear research and statistics on why singles believe they are single. So far, it just seems like his own personal interviews and viewpoints and a regurgitation of passed research of other doctors. Just going to show that anyone with a PhD can write a book. He doesn't even talk about his own personal life very much about being single which would have more authority than any doctorate he has.

Whether he intended it or not, he stresses over and over again how you have to be married to be happy. Anything he says about the single life can be said for the married life as well, he just doesn't see it. No person is ever whole. Even in happy "marriages" people delude themselves just as much as singles. Sounds like he's really unhappy and jealous of the single life so he felt the need to write a book about how we are all bad singles.

I just think about the damage he did to couples in therapy with his obviously biased viewpoint.

[Kestrel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book took me a very long time to complete. This had greatly to do with attempting to complete the exercises as I went, but the concepts required some digestion at points. The exercises can be long and difficult; eventually I put them off with bookmarks. His previous book, Getting The Love You Want, is a guide for couples already enduring the inevitable power struggle of relationship together - but this one is just about working with ourselves in order to improve that relationship when it comes along.

The idea here is that we are all wounded in our childhood by imperfect parenting (there's little emphasis on blame, however - we're just all imperfect humans with our own imperfect circumstances), and it is our responsibility to work through our emotional baggage as much as possible as "singles" (anything non-married) in order to improve the work necessary for our eventual marriage to become healthy and whole. Yes, Harville Hendrix believes that we can only achieve our wholeness in the committed partnership of marriage.

He outlines the stages of childhood development and their potential wounds, the ways we reject, deny, and lose aspects of ourselves, the unconscious choice of our partners and inevitable progression of our relationships based on these factors. I found it interesting. No, I don't agree with every bit of his philosophy, but do believe in taking what's relevant to us rather than tossing the whole thing out. I can't deny learning about myself through the exercises, arduous as they can be. Working on myself to improve the quality of my eventual marriage is a great concept to me.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interview I watched with David Foster Wallace went something like this (paraphrased);
Q: “What’s your opinion about the whole pop psychology phenomena of healing the ‘inner child’? “ A: “It’s a dangerous idea that’s ruined a huge amount of American lives by giving people the excuse to make immature and childlike decisions well into adulthood.”

What does David Foster Wallace have to do with this book? Not much. However, I will say that he brings up a good point that would be taken well by both authors and readers of this kind of material. How we approach healing trauma is just as important as knowing the material in the first place.

Using Hendrix’s words as a tool rather than law has allowed me to make the most out of this book. While he presents a lot of interesting ideas about the nature of healing only being found within a marriage (or marriage-like) relationship; I think this thesis of his is ultimately less useful than the practical tools he puts forth for assessing where and how exactly we have been psychologically damaged in childhood.

His ultimate message (spoiler alert) is that the trouble we experience repeatedly with partners and in marriage are ultimately conflicts we unconsciously seek in order to repeat traumas of childhood, confront them and then heal them. It’s a novel concept and I don’t entirely disagree. Where I am cautious with Hendrix is that this information does have the possibility to engender the same kind of immature behavior mentioned at the beginning of this review, and (this was my experience) actually limit healing.

Hendrix’s ideology turns our lovers in to surrogate parents, and us, coddling children at the whim of our partners who can determine whether we heal or not. There’s nothing to say that we can’t help each other along in this journey of life and learn and heal each other vastly. But in my opinion, where this literature and many other pieces like it fail is that it gives an excuse for lack of agency by placing the responsibility and agency to heal outside of our own hands to some degree. Giving us an excuse to look outside of ourselves for comfort rather than the only place (in my experience) where maturity and emotional wholeness can be found- within.

This is where I’ve found great utility in this book. Hendrix takes you through every stage of development and has you pinpoint areas of need and concern in terms of what you may or may not have received. Is it an exact science ? Probably not. But it gives a pretty good rough idea of where your crucial formative years may have damaging and how that effects you as a person now.

Like all things, this can be taken too far. We could endlessly self analyze and be consumed by pinpointing trauma. But for those who have suffered serious childhood neglect, like physical, sexual and serious forms of emotional abuse. Tools like this are invaluable.

I took Hendrix’s words to heart while reading but the “imago-partner” he described (the person we are unconsciously drawn to in order to heal us) ended up, to me at least, being the self more than anyone else. And the repetition, confrontation and healing of childhood trauma can happen no matter your relationship status. Victims of serious abuse all confront trauma on a daily basis. It’s understanding this and looking within that I think makes the difference. This book gives a good framework, but ultimately limits the scope of where and how this can happen.

[Keshia]

This is a must read for singles who are expecting a love in their life and would like to make a wholehearted effort to be prepared for their great love. Hendrix takes the reader on an in-depth journey of various childhood ills that if not healed prior to a relationship will surely manifest in a relationship. In fact, as you learn about childhood ills and the stage at which they manifest, his book has the added benefit of helping you become a better parent. Hendrix gives you a level of understanding that has yet to be paralleled in any self help book that I've read. This book has a great deal of exercises in each chapter designed to help you examine the childhood ills that are blocking love. More than that, he explains exactly how to heal those ills and gives insight on how they subconsciously help you choose your mate--he/or she who expresses your repressed desires. And the bottomline is that relationships are exactly the medicine you need for no other state of being offers such and to this degree. This book is aimed at singles and as such should be required reading for every single man or woman expecting the great healer--love--to show up in their life.

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I admit this was a very painful read. It took me nearly a year to finish it. But thankfully, I was able to develop insight and a deeper understanding of myself when it comes to intimacy. Being that I was raised by a mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I was able to come to a greater understanding of what my issues have been and even more importantly, create an action plan to heal and date with intention! Although I might disagree with some of Hendrix theories, the meat of what he is helping the reader understand is gold.
Unlike some other reviewers, I don't feel his book is an insult to singles at all. In fact, dating with intention while integrating and working on creating a healthier me was the best part. As human beings we crave (most of the population at least) deep connection, which feels like home. This kind of connection we can only experience through intimacy. I am happy to say that I met a wonderful man while on my intentional dating experience. Is he perfect, no. Am I, no. But together we have a conscious relationship, and we face any issues as a team.
I am very thankful I stumbled upon this book.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really helpful and made a lot of sense. I would definately recommend it.

[Andee Marley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Difficult but important work :p

[Cara]

Got this book because it's the sequel to Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples. Unlike the other book, this one is actually meant for single people to read, so I figured it would be even more relevant and helpful. But so far, it's all just a lot of hectoring and pontificating about how our society "today" (over 20 years ago now) is being destroyed by all these divorces and how marriage is the only true path. I guess it's this guy's book, so he has the right to think he knows all the answers for everybody, but that doesn't mean I like reading it. This is the most annoying book I've read in a long time. If it doesn't get better soon, back it goes.

…

Lost interest, but I still think it would probably be good to work through all the exercises in this book.

[Beneth]

So far, interesting. I have skipped around. He talks about how we use a love relationship to attempt to heal our childhood wounds. It's made difficult by the fact that we tend to choose people who are similar to our caregivers when we grew up- people for whom it is a challenge to offer what our caregivers did not. He says that the romantic love stage of a marriage is supposed to not last, that if couples can get past the next stages, that's a good thing. He thinks that marriage counselors who simply have couples bargain with each other to receive each of their needs are missing the mark. The giving part shouldn't be "tit for tat" because it does not feel genuine. Lots more to the book that I have not read yet. Fascinating reading so far.

[Gemini · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an enlightening book but I also found it to focus on married couples alot which was not helpful to me. There are some points that make sense & it's good to get into practice but easier said than done. Matters related to the heart are usually pretty complicated & trying to sift through that is hard. There are also exercises in the book that you utilize in order to determine the type of person you are in relation to other types to see which is most compatible to you. It's a way to be able to see how it comes together to then realize what things you need to do in order to make them work better. This may not be an exact science but it is possible to gain some insight from it & put into practice.

[Scout Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I started this book first, I finished reading Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix before this book. That book changed my world—at first I didn’t believe some of what it was saying about the Imago. But after reading both that book and this book, it makes a lot of sense why we attract imago partners and why those relationships are the ones that [endure].
Hendrix is very wise and that shows in his books. I appreciate how down-to-earth his writing is. And I (as always) love the example stories he gives from clients.

The first 1/3 of this book (~100 pages) were not that engaging or easy to get through. There was a lot written about the old brain/new brain that while in some ways was worthwhile to include, also was not what I cared about getting out of this book. I borrowed both this book and Getting The Love… from my mom, started this one first but then read the other one much faster and knew I would return to this later and finish it. Picking it up again, I slugged through the first third and by the second third it was getting progressively more interesting. By the last third, it was the best—it included exercises and good summaries and ideas as the book was coming to a close.

I really like Hendrix’ ideas and exercises, but I have to say for this book, I wish there was more guidance for how to do some of the exercises. Hendrix writes the book either for someone who has gone to therapy and has experience working through their past and emotional issues or for a therapist—not for people who aren’t as comfortable or experienced doing this. My suggestion here: Have lists of traits or words that people can choose to fill in the blanks of the exercises. Give more examples of options—it is left very open-ended, enough that sometimes I don’t know what to write. (There is a section about creating your imago for example where this would help). To be fair, there were sections where Hendrix did a great job of this—the number one section was the contrasexual (masculine/feminine) traits.

The organization of the book was not perfect, but Hendrix almost makes up for it with his good writing style. (The reason the first 1/3 was boring wasn’t too much to do with him and more to do with the subject matter.) His writing style is easy and enjoyable to read, and I appreciate that.

Sections I Really Enjoyed
- The Masculine/Feminine Energy exploration (while Hendrix might use a different definition of androgyny than is used today with gender identity, I think he is right that we would all be healthier if we accept our gender’s traits (e.g. feminine) and also the opposite gender’s (masculine) in ourselves. I found this section incredibly intriguing--the exercise of looking at your own balance/what traits you have is super fun.
- The Criticism section (near the end of the book). Hendrix provides FACTS on criticism. This section is helpful for your LIFE—not just romantic relationships—it can help you be successful anywhere. He explains what you should do instead of criticizing (mirroring, validating, empathizing; explaining how the behaviour made you felt and stating your needs). This may sound either easy or not that revolutionary, but it is very rare to see. I would say our nature is to criticize, so following his steps would be against that, but a very worthwhile change to make in your life. I think the Criticism section was one of the most impactful on me and I'm already subconsciously starting to incorporate the approach
- I generally always like the exercises he provides. As mentioned above, I need some more guidance to fill out some of them, but I like the creating the imago, and some of the exercises later in the book too.

The reason I gave four stars instead of five (compared to Getting the Love) was because:
a) The first section was boring after awhile and hard to get through. I get why, but I don’t know if it was the best choice to start the book with this. So this first part of the book really contributed to losing a star. (My friend was also reading this book with me and she did not find this section interesting either, and switched to Getting The Love You Want instead)
b) Hendrix provides good advice—four star worthy—for singles. But he provided five star advice for people in relationships in Getting The Love.
c) This book was not nearly as well organized as Getting The Love You Want – which is sad because that book was published before this one. He had an amazing writer helping him on that book, not sure what happened here. The organization of GTL was stellar (I really love organization in non-fiction, especially self help books)

Overall, I would definitely recommend this book to other people. If you’re interested in brain science/evolution/different parts of your brain, read the first 1/3 of the book. If not, skip to past page 100 and read the book from there for some really good insights, strategies, ideas and exercises. This book will make you (in a good way) analyze your own life, past, history and help you learn about why you act the way you do and why you attract certain relationship dynamics (not to spoil the book lol).

I would recommend to those 18+ who are interested in a really good self-help book that can help you both in your personal life, relationships with friends and family, and prepare you better for romantic relationships. You do not have to be in a relationship, planning to get married or already married to read any of Hendrix’ books. They can be read by people at all stages and phases of relationships (or not). There is a lot of helpful content in his books so far, and I’m looking forward to reading some other books by him too.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this coupled with another relationship book about moving on from past relationships.

As I read this book, I learned a lot about myself, what I want in someone, what I didn't want in someone, and ultimately what was right for me.

This is a great book for someone who has struggled in a relationship/s, has found someone who loves them, and they are having a hard time letting go of the past, and for anyone who really is ready to find the person they are meant to be with.

There are a lot of difficult aspects about love one must ask themselves, and I think if you aren't ready, this isn't the book for you. But if you are, definitely this book is worth it.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is very sobering and inspiring reading. We were considering doing a 12 week workshop with a facilitator, but as is so often the danger in VT, not enough folks signed up. On reflection, that was ok with me b/c I wasn't sure WHY I was signing up, except that my S.O. was interested, and well, I am kind of a seeker.

Anyway, there is a ton of self reflection called for in this book, lots of exercises and the further I read the more clear picture I have, of myself! My S.O. and I are reading the book together. It feels exciting, and slightly terrifying! More later.

[Adra Cole Benjamin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Combines pyschology, sociology, biology and gender differences to explain so much of life's behavior, development and challenges of relationships. One of the best books I've ever purchased! I highly recommend it to everyone, especially people with children - for you can learn how you pass on judgements, wounds, hurtful words that ultimately affect your child and his/her later search for happiness, as well as feeling whole and developing a unique identity.

[Keshia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was suggested to me by a psychotherapist and was definitely a good read. Hendrix explores how we choose partners based on repressed childhood needs. It is a great read for singles and couples alike but preferably in downtime, between relationships. There are some nifty charts, exercises, and questionaires that will assist you on your path of introspection and bringing you closer to finding and recognizing a good partner.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. Im not a big self help fan but this book felt more like a college course in human development and its affects on our partner choices. The exercises within the book are not easy to get through, they were definitely time consuming and intensive, but really help drive the points home and were very helpful in the self discovery process. Anyone having trouble with relationships and wondering why should read this.

[Jarrett Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

As other reviewers point out, this book is really intended for singles, not married couples or engaged couples. Not an easy read, as. He mentions himself. Reading it feels like an intense therapy session. His thesis is that we choose partners based on past repressed needs of childhood, and the purpose of the book is to "discover" what those unmet needs were/are. I can see it helpful to go through some of the activities with a spouse, but only as a discussion starter.

[Ann Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the only book in the self help section I would ever recommend. If you like journaling and the power of writing to draw out previously unclear or unknown pieces and parts of your inner self, you will love this book. If you really want to know about your truest self, and how you respond in intimate relationship base on who you are, get this book.

[Sharla · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good information, a bit heavy on the psych stuff at times, and a godawful horrid cover design. I really enjoyed reading about the stages of development, the minimizer/maximizer behaviors, and real examples of couples. I got a bit bored at times reading through a lot of the detailed psych stuff though.

[Rae · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well-written and enlightening book which approaches mate selection from a psychological, and quite scholarly, point of view. A set of intensely revealing exercises are part of the text. I really benefited from this non-faddish book.

[Maureen]

This book does what it says. If you read it with an open mind, do the exercises, and let go of the psst, you are truly able to Keep the Love You Find (which means you stop looking for Mr. Wrong and stop throwing away Mr. Right).

[Katarina · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was ok, but just barely. I'd recommend Hendrix's other books on imago theory, this one brings nothing new to the table, except telling singles that they will never be complete as a person without finding an imago partner.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book!
(Me and my mom are reading together) It really gives you a good understanding on love. After I get done reading this book I will read his others.

[Russell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe I can do better this time.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am reading it for class but I think my future wife will be happy that I have read this book.

[Kimber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I reccomend this book to everyone--but especially single readers. . It's a good self-discovery book and it talks about finding and developing healthy relationships.