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Bed and Board: Plain Talk About Marriage
An extraordinary vision of the household, alluring and attainable, emerges from Bed and Board. And - what is infinitely refreshing, almost radical in a decade that has focused somewhat querulously on the duties, problems, miseries, and shortcomings of the modern woman as Wife - Father Capon reinstates the importance of the man in maintaining the emotional vitality of a marriage, in setting the tone of family life, in leading, not as a superior being or tryant, but as the male whose role it is in wedlock ast in a waltz to lead.
150 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1970
28 people are currently reading
445 people want to read
About the author
Robert Farrar Capon
42 books149 followersRobert Farrar Capon was a lifelong New Yorker and served for almost 30 years as a parish priest in the Episcopal Church. His first book, Bed and Board, was published in 1965 and by 1977 left full-time ministry to devote more time to writing books, though he continued to serve the church in various capacities such as assisting priest and Canon Theologian. He has written twenty books on theology, cooking and family life.
His lifelong interest in food intersected with his writing and led to his becoming food columnist for Newsday and The New York Times and also teaching cooking classes.
His lifelong interest in food intersected with his writing and led to his becoming food columnist for Newsday and The New York Times and also teaching cooking classes.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
January 24, 2025
With priestly love, our seven sons, bread with butter, and ample red wine, Jake and I look forward to taking our place in the coinherence, the great dance toward the City.
“Self, wife, sons, daughters; dishes, silver, food. Where is the City in all this? Why is it so long in forming among us?”
“Self, wife, sons, daughters; dishes, silver, food. Where is the City in all this? Why is it so long in forming among us?”
December 31, 2019
Loved this the first time I read it and am currently quickly re-reading before handing it off to my 21yo son, who already loves Capon after reading of *The Marriage Supper of the Lamb.* Must have raised him right! :-)
April 25, 2019
A delightful and entertaining treatment of marriage and family from the author of the unparalleled book on food, The Supper of the Lamb (which every home cook really ought to read at least once.) Capon clearly saw a pastoral need for a book on marriage and family that embraced biblical tradition but that actually managed to touch the cluttered ground where we all live. And not finding it, he decided to write it himself.
Capon seems to have read a fairly heavy dose of G.K. Chesterton because much of what he says, as well as the style in which he says it, echoes the wonder and the wit that Chesterton brings to the topic of family, especially in What's Wrong with the World.
Really, taken as a whole, the book is excellent. But I withheld one star for a few reasons:
• First, Capon (like Chesterton) sometimes seems to be overly impressed by his own witty observations, to the point where I found it ever so slightly annoying.
• Second, in aiming to bring levity to what are often treated as heavy subjects (vows, sex, child rearing, etc.), he tends to undermine some of the real power and genuine authority of the church's teachings on marriage and family by making these ideas too much about him and his own failings to live up to the standard.
• Third, and saddest, despite the constant reminder of his own failings throughout the book, those failings were nevertheless far deeper than the book lets on. Most of the principles and advice he sets forth are as sound and true as any you'll find, but I confess that I simply could not embrace this book with an open heart while knowing that the marriage that he praises so eloquently in this book ended in divorce, and that many of his children, whom he blesses like Jacob in these pages, walked away from the faith one by one as they reached adulthood. Instruction on Christian marriage and parenting, however true, is hard to hear when the instructor has failed so publicly at both. Alas.
———
Christianity Today published this in their memorial of Father Capon:
———
More about Capon here.
Capon seems to have read a fairly heavy dose of G.K. Chesterton because much of what he says, as well as the style in which he says it, echoes the wonder and the wit that Chesterton brings to the topic of family, especially in What's Wrong with the World.
Really, taken as a whole, the book is excellent. But I withheld one star for a few reasons:
• First, Capon (like Chesterton) sometimes seems to be overly impressed by his own witty observations, to the point where I found it ever so slightly annoying.
• Second, in aiming to bring levity to what are often treated as heavy subjects (vows, sex, child rearing, etc.), he tends to undermine some of the real power and genuine authority of the church's teachings on marriage and family by making these ideas too much about him and his own failings to live up to the standard.
• Third, and saddest, despite the constant reminder of his own failings throughout the book, those failings were nevertheless far deeper than the book lets on. Most of the principles and advice he sets forth are as sound and true as any you'll find, but I confess that I simply could not embrace this book with an open heart while knowing that the marriage that he praises so eloquently in this book ended in divorce, and that many of his children, whom he blesses like Jacob in these pages, walked away from the faith one by one as they reached adulthood. Instruction on Christian marriage and parenting, however true, is hard to hear when the instructor has failed so publicly at both. Alas.
———
Christianity Today published this in their memorial of Father Capon:
After 27 years of marriage and six children, Capon divorced his first wife, Margaret. "As it has turned out," he wrote in The Romance of the Word, "there were a lot of departments in which I was not a success, not to mention several in which I was, and still am, a failure. … I dedicated a great deal of time and effort to my children's religious formation, only to find them now mostly uninterested and non-practicing." The failure of his first marriage and subsequent remarriage ended Capon's career as dean of a diocesan seminary and priest-in-charge of a mission church. His was not a life of "triumphant goodness or heroic efforts" but of "dumb luck and forgiveness." This only underscored his gratitude for God's grace and mercy.
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More about Capon here.
August 26, 2025
I don’t agree with everything Capon says. But the way he encourages delight in Gods order and the home, the way I can’t help but laugh out loud at his observations, the way he depicts marriage and parenthood with all its joys and absurdities make it a worthwhile read.
August 7, 2016
An absurdly delightful book. You won't walk away unchanged.
This is Capon's first published work(!), and it is The Best Book I have read on marriage and family life. It begins in Absurdity and ends in the Divine Coinherent Dance of the Trinity. In between are the comical and heart-wrenching, the simple and the profound, the serious and the silly, the logical and the absurd. I read this book and thought, laughed, cried, shouted, underlined, and worshipped. I learned about care, hobbies, sex, dinner tables, children, church, Dante, the itch, the geography of moms, mealtime liturgies, good wine, and the City not made with human hands. If you want a book that will give you hope, not help, in marriage; a book that compares a puddle of spilled milk to the formless void of Genesis 1; a book that points you to the absurdity of life, not advice, then this is the book for you. Save all your money; don't buy the latest hipster Christian book on marriage, or the endless How-To-Guides to marriage drivel from Christian publishing houses; just buy this book. It'll take you a long time because I just bought the one on Amazon for $40. Sorry. Here's a pearl of great price; sell all and buy this pearl.
This is Capon's first published work(!), and it is The Best Book I have read on marriage and family life. It begins in Absurdity and ends in the Divine Coinherent Dance of the Trinity. In between are the comical and heart-wrenching, the simple and the profound, the serious and the silly, the logical and the absurd. I read this book and thought, laughed, cried, shouted, underlined, and worshipped. I learned about care, hobbies, sex, dinner tables, children, church, Dante, the itch, the geography of moms, mealtime liturgies, good wine, and the City not made with human hands. If you want a book that will give you hope, not help, in marriage; a book that compares a puddle of spilled milk to the formless void of Genesis 1; a book that points you to the absurdity of life, not advice, then this is the book for you. Save all your money; don't buy the latest hipster Christian book on marriage, or the endless How-To-Guides to marriage drivel from Christian publishing houses; just buy this book. It'll take you a long time because I just bought the one on Amazon for $40. Sorry. Here's a pearl of great price; sell all and buy this pearl.
February 10, 2014
There is a sadness in reading this fantastic treatise on marriage and home- a few years after this was published Robert Farrar Capon left his marriage of twenty-seven years to the woman who gave him six children. It's sad because he writes with such wisdom and truth:
"Our lust is to be healed by being brought down to one bed, our savagery tamed by the exchanges around a lifelong table."
And regarding lies about marriage:
"One of them I've already mentioned. It's the 'You are my destiny bit. Only god can be that, and any attempt to put so large a demand on a mere creature always comes a cropper. Besides, in marriage it's hard to keep up the appearance of being somebody's destiny; it's even hard to look like a halfway decent agent of destiny."
It is a great little book at 170 pages- if you can get your hands on one for less than a killing.
Of his family, he ends with:
"It is not heavenly Jerusalem, but neither is it chaos. We are the solitary set in family. I love them all, their faces and voices, their bodies, their minds; and I thank them for their company these long short years."
"Our lust is to be healed by being brought down to one bed, our savagery tamed by the exchanges around a lifelong table."
And regarding lies about marriage:
"One of them I've already mentioned. It's the 'You are my destiny bit. Only god can be that, and any attempt to put so large a demand on a mere creature always comes a cropper. Besides, in marriage it's hard to keep up the appearance of being somebody's destiny; it's even hard to look like a halfway decent agent of destiny."
It is a great little book at 170 pages- if you can get your hands on one for less than a killing.
Of his family, he ends with:
"It is not heavenly Jerusalem, but neither is it chaos. We are the solitary set in family. I love them all, their faces and voices, their bodies, their minds; and I thank them for their company these long short years."
Want to read
February 8, 2020I've heard that this is one of the best books on marriage (e.g., it's referenced positively here). I can believe it simply because of the brilliant insights in Capon's Supper of the Lamb. Unfortunately, soon after this book was published, Capon and his wife divorced after 27 years. They had six children.
January 24, 2020
"And everything that is central in life is absurd in proportion to the degree of its centrality... For marriage is a paradox second only to life itself."
Capon discusses the absurdity of marriage as a human contract yet delights in its existence as a sacrament. He sees it as a reflection of the Trinity, a mysterious union that is utterly incoherent without God's revelation.
Mostly, Capon encourages married couples to delight in the messiness of marital life. Committing to someone forever (and having children with them) is unbearable only if we are discontent, when we refuse to accept life as it is.
Chapters include discussions on raising children, the sacramentality of all things, the centrality of the table for teaching children the rhythms (liturgies) of familial life, the marriage bed, and the duties of husband and wife.
Capon discusses the absurdity of marriage as a human contract yet delights in its existence as a sacrament. He sees it as a reflection of the Trinity, a mysterious union that is utterly incoherent without God's revelation.
Mostly, Capon encourages married couples to delight in the messiness of marital life. Committing to someone forever (and having children with them) is unbearable only if we are discontent, when we refuse to accept life as it is.
Chapters include discussions on raising children, the sacramentality of all things, the centrality of the table for teaching children the rhythms (liturgies) of familial life, the marriage bed, and the duties of husband and wife.
August 31, 2025
Excellent. Ornate. Honest.
Capon provides a board of anecdotes, Proverbial wisdom, and fatherly counsel. Detesting mechanistic marriage handbooks, his plenitude of opinions (sometimes a little much) are often discursive and semi-rambling. Which is the point.
His reverence for the Word is a little paradoxical—e.g. he overflows with uncited (which is fine) biblical references and quotes, explicitly categorizes himself as adhering to the Bible’s divine inspiration, yet quibbles here and there about its infallibility, inerrancy.
Aside from this very human, inner contradiction, it’s worth re-reading and consulting again in the future.
Highly recommend.
Capon provides a board of anecdotes, Proverbial wisdom, and fatherly counsel. Detesting mechanistic marriage handbooks, his plenitude of opinions (sometimes a little much) are often discursive and semi-rambling. Which is the point.
His reverence for the Word is a little paradoxical—e.g. he overflows with uncited (which is fine) biblical references and quotes, explicitly categorizes himself as adhering to the Bible’s divine inspiration, yet quibbles here and there about its infallibility, inerrancy.
Aside from this very human, inner contradiction, it’s worth re-reading and consulting again in the future.
Highly recommend.
June 12, 2021
Solid. Gorgeous.
Perhaps too decadent and luxurious though in style. Capon likes to slather on his sentences, where each one hits heavy, but after a while, it becomes too rich. Might need a bit more exposition between each heavy-hitter?
That said, a pleasant read with some solid truths.
Especially liked:
-section on engaged people
-section on parenting advice
-section on women as the embodiment of locus
Perhaps too decadent and luxurious though in style. Capon likes to slather on his sentences, where each one hits heavy, but after a while, it becomes too rich. Might need a bit more exposition between each heavy-hitter?
That said, a pleasant read with some solid truths.
Especially liked:
-section on engaged people
-section on parenting advice
-section on women as the embodiment of locus
June 11, 2021
2021: I love this book, it is delightful to read Capon's prose. When Capon tells the Truth, he is fantastic (but definitely not all of his insights are based on Truth...)
2013: Wonderful!
2013: Wonderful!
June 30, 2021
Fantastical, like a tamer Chesterton. Disappointing, see his marital failure. But I think Capon would agree that despite his going on about absurdness that the most absurd was the praise on the back likening him to Solomon.
July 23, 2022
A bit of a disaster. Capon thinks he is funnier/cleverer than he really is, which makes him feel like a bargain bin Chesterton in a bad way. Even more important is the trainwreck that his own marriage and family was. Given how deeply personal and, frankly, indulgent his book was, this is even more damaging than you might think. There is some real genuine insight, but it's found as gold among gravel.
July 25, 2023
Torn on this (along with, it appears, most other people who have read it): Capon is a fun writer but goes a touch overboard; also, he has some great things to say about marriage & family, but it's hard to take it from someone who got divorced after 27 years of marriage.
September 15, 2018
If The Supper of the Lamb was "G. K. Chesterton writes a cook book" this is "G. K. Chesterton writes a marriage manual," and there is the same joyous mixture of rapture with the seemingly ordinary and yearning after theological mystery. His thoughts on the liturgical nature of family life anticipate a lot of contemporary writing on the intersection of Christian spirituality and everyday life without falling into the High Church fussiness one sometimes sees there. The use of Dante and Song of Solomon are also wonderful.
August 8, 2020
Capon draws me in. He sets me laughing, thinking, underlining, shaking my head! I love reading his books.
July 19, 2024
I've only read a couple things by Capon, but, man, he makes me care about caring more.
Bed and Board is very good. The Supper of the Lamb is very *great*. One significant difference, that really has everything to do with the writer rather than the writing, is that Bed and Board is directly aimed at marriage and family, and Capon himself divorced his wife, who had given him six children, after 27 years.
Now anyone who teaches/talks/writes probably can *say* better than *live*, and yet, a certain line is crossed where one's walk undoes a significant portion of one's talk.
Anyway, knowing all we do, the pages are still profitable, and encourage faithful pursuing and practicing of the right thing. Highly recommended, even with above caveats.
Bed and Board is very good. The Supper of the Lamb is very *great*. One significant difference, that really has everything to do with the writer rather than the writing, is that Bed and Board is directly aimed at marriage and family, and Capon himself divorced his wife, who had given him six children, after 27 years.
Now anyone who teaches/talks/writes probably can *say* better than *live*, and yet, a certain line is crossed where one's walk undoes a significant portion of one's talk.
Anyway, knowing all we do, the pages are still profitable, and encourage faithful pursuing and practicing of the right thing. Highly recommended, even with above caveats.
February 20, 2018
Absolutely beautiful. Four stars from Joshua Dockter. If only the man would have followed his own advice.
April 16, 2022
This guy is good and fun and very worth your time. Theological profundity, jokes, stuff about food that I don't understand. Effortless quoting from Dante and Charles Williams and ee cummings. If you're interested in marriage and childrearing, I think you should read it. Based on other marriage books I've read-- and it's not an insignificant amount, in ten years of literate marriage-- this is one of the ones least likely to lead you into awkward free-form guilty or pseudo toughminded error. It has at least the potential to make you a happier and even holier spouse and parent. My wife and I were literally weeping with laughter in the section about the torrents of spilled milk at the end. We may have picked up a workable dinnertime prayer liturgy from this book (come over to our place sometime, see if it stuck) and that's not even the most impressive part of the thing. And this is only one of like ten books this guy has written and I think I'm probably going to read them all.
So yes, a good one.
So yes, a good one.
April 13, 2022
I really appreciated his insights especially the chapters on Board and Things. He does land on "absurd" as an explanation for a lot of things instead of going beyond that to what I would call "heavenly logic". The second to last chapter is also helpful in explaining his use of the term "coinherence"; it might have been better to put that earlier in the book.
Father Capon is writing in a different time that had different struggles. In his time, the divine and the demonic had not drawn such clear battle lines. Today those battle lines run straight through the family. There were also fewer tools and teachers in his time to explain how to live as a Christian father, mother, etc. in a world that had recently abandoned Christianity as a cultural keel.
This is a solid book especially considering the times of the author.
Father Capon is writing in a different time that had different struggles. In his time, the divine and the demonic had not drawn such clear battle lines. Today those battle lines run straight through the family. There were also fewer tools and teachers in his time to explain how to live as a Christian father, mother, etc. in a world that had recently abandoned Christianity as a cultural keel.
This is a solid book especially considering the times of the author.
October 19, 2019
I went back and forth on 4 or 5 stars. At times it was hard for me to understand given some of the language is older and I’m less familiar with his writings. His writing style certainly isn’t a straight forward and logical like many other similar books on this topic.
I landed on 5 though because as I thought through the books on marriage, I wondered if I would recommend any other of this one and the answer was simply, no. He allows you to enter into his framework, his life, and stumbles around with you trying to figure out this tremendously confusing endeavor many of us are on.
I landed on 5 though because as I thought through the books on marriage, I wondered if I would recommend any other of this one and the answer was simply, no. He allows you to enter into his framework, his life, and stumbles around with you trying to figure out this tremendously confusing endeavor many of us are on.
November 15, 2021
"When God made the world it is unlikely that he found it hard work. All the pictures of drudges slaving over watchmaking are not nearly as good a likeness of the Creator as one little boy blowing bubbles through his thumb and forefinger. He doesn't do it because he has to - only because he likes to."- Robert Farrar Capon
The quote above is just one of many that arrested me and left me chuckling with a hearty, "Amen!"
This dude knew how to write! His prose was delightful, his insights beautiful and profound. I hope to read more of his stuff in the days ahead.
The quote above is just one of many that arrested me and left me chuckling with a hearty, "Amen!"
This dude knew how to write! His prose was delightful, his insights beautiful and profound. I hope to read more of his stuff in the days ahead.
May 14, 2025
I think I would have liked this book more if I didn't know about Capon's divorce. As is, I read it twice, the first time totally distracted by the fact of his divorce, the second time trying to pretend I didn't know about it and trying to see what he was actually saying. He did have a lot of true and good things to say, though it did seem like there were several times when he'd pull back like he was afraid to step on someone's toes. I would argue the best part of the book is the "Things" chapter. The way he writes about caring makes me want to care more.
January 21, 2025
4.5 stars!
Reading Capon on a serious, (though absurd), subject such as marriage is really like opening a lot of shells in search of pearls. Sometimes it’s a lot of work for nothing, but lots of gems are there, embedded in the rambling.
There are countless pearls of quotes in here, surrounded by some stuff to squint at. Certainly worth the read— there’re enough pearls to make a bracelet with, at least.
Reading Capon on a serious, (though absurd), subject such as marriage is really like opening a lot of shells in search of pearls. Sometimes it’s a lot of work for nothing, but lots of gems are there, embedded in the rambling.
There are countless pearls of quotes in here, surrounded by some stuff to squint at. Certainly worth the read— there’re enough pearls to make a bracelet with, at least.
August 11, 2017
I loved this book.
It's a time capsule work -- no doubt some people will be offended by "outdated" advice on gender roles and vocation, but it speaks with clarity and focus to the sacredness of home. I found it sobering and beautiful, maybe a little wordy and rambly at times, but overall rich and worth digesting.
A fantastic treatise on the work and worth of marriage and home.
It's a time capsule work -- no doubt some people will be offended by "outdated" advice on gender roles and vocation, but it speaks with clarity and focus to the sacredness of home. I found it sobering and beautiful, maybe a little wordy and rambly at times, but overall rich and worth digesting.
A fantastic treatise on the work and worth of marriage and home.
May 21, 2019
Capon is the Anglican Chesterton. The first two chapters of this book are sheer gold, full of insightful imagery and happy irony. It certainly challenges a lot of modernist cliches re: marriage. I could take or leave the second half of the book, which he seems to have written more for himself than for anyone else.
March 11, 2020
This. This is writing. Stupendous, and well worth the weave through the Episcopalian mysticism you'll no doubt encounter. His mind has been steeped in Augustine, and it seems that his assessment of the fundamental absurdity of life meshes well with Leithart's description of deep comedy. If you suffer at all from what Doestoevsky types "the Euclidean mind", read this book!!!
December 29, 2018
Robert Capon delivers a beautiful picture of real life within a family. He encourages us in the absurdity of it all, but never fails to give us poignant and pithy advices on how to move forward. An essential read for anyone, whether young or old, married or unmarried, minister or flock.
February 22, 2021
But how? How do you rate a marriage book by a man who refused to follow his own advice? Abandoning his wife and children makes this book ring hollow for me. I do love chapter 7, “Things”, though. He defends materialism and reminds us that God made this world and declared it good.
June 18, 2022
Incredibly lazy, unfocused writing. The tone is self-aggrandizing, bellicose to the point of hot-winded stentorianism-- so much so that I decided to write this review in his voice, an act for which I am already ashamed.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews