Dick Pics

by Simon McHardy, Sean Hawker

Inspired by a true story, this satirical tale of revenge will leave you cross-legged, wincing, and crying for your mommy.

After being sent an unsolicited dick pic on social media, Zaphne (they/them) has had enough of the cis male scumbags that torment women, especially those that do so with photos of their disgusting genitalia! They devise a cunning scheme to lure a hapless willy flasher to their house where some female fury will be finally unleashed!

Genres: Horror, Splatterpunk

ebook

Published October 9, 2023

About the author

Simon McHardy is the author of the infamous MOTHER MAGGOT. He lives a reclusive life in Tasmania Australia. Due to the extreme nature of his books, most are exclusive to Godless.com.

Reviews

[Janie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't have a cellphone. This is what I'm missing out on? Totally over the line and insulting. But not to me. 😂

[MadameD · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dick Pics by Simon McHardy and Sean Hawker is a brutal, gruesome, disgusting and not politically correct satire of what sometimes happened on social media.
I found this short story hilarious! I love Simon McHardy and Sean Hawker offensive sense of humor.
I highly recommend it, if you are not easily offended, otherwise it’ll get you upset.

[Lady MacDeath · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will never get bored with anything I read from McHardy and Hawker. I need them in my life, just as I do oxygen 🤣 now that’s a bold statement, I know!!

Everything they do, I just want more, and yes it’s offensive, yes it’s in bad taste but who cares??? GIVE ME MORE!!!

Highly recommended to anyone who has no trigger warnings…hell, I recommend this to people who do have trigger warnings but with the message…”suck it up and live a little, you might like it!!”

5 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

[Stitching Ghost · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first, I was like WTF, is this going to be this bland all the way through? Probably would have given up on it if I hadn't known how these guys roll. But when the story really got going I cackled and cackled. This is irreverent, silly and a little gross (I would have liked an extended cut of the torture scene).

[your morbid obsession Minerva🖤 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun little read! Brace yourself for some mean, vengeful satire(or not).

[John The Crippledgimp · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was hilarious.... This is why ya don't send dick pics and if you do something similar to this should happen to you. This is short funny and offensive what the fuck more do ya want. Go to godless.com and get this one

[Lindsay Crook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would just like to say I am based neither Zaphne nor AngryPinkFeminist the pink hair is entirely a coincidence 😂
I love Simon and Sean and their humour. The more offensive they get the more I want to read them.

[Rachel M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ooooo gotta love these Willy flashers sending naughty nob pics as a conversation starter!

Poor Sausage Santa regretted it! 😂😂🖤

I will never get bored of McHardy Hawker! 😂 They probably shouldn’t keep sending unsolicited dick pics though 🤣🍆

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

How can something so dumb be so funny? 😂


“Trigger Warning: This story contains graphic descriptions of big, fat cocks.”

[Nat Whiston · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not gonna lie I feel like I'm just adding more reasons I'm going to hell. Plus a nonbinary main character, something different from the boys as we meet Zaphne in the psychiatric ward. Already I'm like oh lord this story, a wild ride as Zaphne's rage builds and builds, the more they read about the effects of dick pics. Then the unspeakable happens a dick pic is sent to them?! *gasp* and for them intense desire for justice.
Because publicly humiliating bad Santa isn't enough, sharing their reaction to the whole ordeal doesn't steam the feeling of violation. So Zaphne takes it one step further, not gonna lie the nightmare scene I will remember as 'attack of the six-foot phallus' had me in sticks. But when she entraps the person who sent the sausage pic, things go full on gross and stomach-turning. In true Mchardy/Hawker style, this sentence will tell you everything you need to know to proceed further with your purchase.
"Dick pics are the number one killer of women, you beast!," if that doesn't pull you in I don't know what will?!

[Christina Pfeiffer · Rating 5 out of 5]

They are about to cancelled. And I know I say this all the time but this one… Geesh.
Zaphne just got out of the psych ward and is bombarded with dick pics. They don’t appreciate them and will teach a lesson he won’t soon forget. Just be prepared to see some pitchfork carrying folks after this is released. Direct all hate mail to Sean. He loves dealing with pissed off people. A HIGHLY RECOMMEND 5/5.

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

McHardy and Hawker are probably the best duo in writing disturbing stories!

Once again, another book where our main character seeks revenge on a man who sends them random dick pics. Damn it, guys, will you all ever learn? Lmao NEVER do this!

3/5

[River Dixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Available October 9, 2023 exclusively at godless.com

[Ashley Rae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easily one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. 😂

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a short read
Well it's a Simon McHardy story, so you know there is going to be gore and pain and lots of blood and guts.

And that is what you get with this story.
I'm sure many women here have been harassed online. It is a despicable consequence of our online world, and I think it is both wrong and disgusting.

Well in this story Zaphne has had enough with it and decides to seek their revenge.
Now being a guy myself, the revenge made me squeamish. I even had to cross my legs and force myself to stop thinking about the revenge acts.
But that's what you want from a Simon McHardy story
This checks all the boxes of splatter punk, and then some.

I do not want to spoil it for anyone so I won't give any details
Just know that Zaphne is angry and they get their revenge

Suffice it to say that female furry is unleashed

So be kind on social media, you don't always know how or who you will trigger

[The Yeti Reads and Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

Zaphne (they/them) is relaxing at home, trying to forget about her troubles. Their phone pings, and they read all the latest news and drama on social media. Zaphne is then sent an unsolicited dick pic!  They have had enough of the disgusting cismen sending these pictures. They decide to exact revenge on the culprit who sent the picture.


Another banger from the boys we know and love. Funny, wrong, and, as always, pushing the boundaries. If you are familiar with McHardy/Hawker, you know you are in for an insane ride. If you are new to these two, buckle up; this ride is not for the easily offended.


5 severed fingers out of 5

[Sarah McKee · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Dick pics weren’t just offensive, they were a natural health crisis.”

This was funny, short, and cringy. Loved it

[A5hley Clarke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just a quick godless read for a Sunday morning

Had this in my TBR and thought why not?
That question was soon answered as Zaphne after trying once again to unalive themselves sought comfort in their very dramatic book club (surely that never happens) and after explaining how women are practically dying from unsolicited D pics she gets one sent to herself and that’s where this short read can make most men squirm the descriptive violence that follows will certainly make men who enjoy sending those photos think twice

[Becki 🤎 · Rating 4 out of 5]

D pics 🤭

I’ve had this one for ages but just not gotten around to it until now!

So Zaphne has problems, they don’t want to be here anymore but every attempt leads them waking up in a psyche ward, fuming with the world as it is today. Doom scrolling, looking for fights to pick & they’ve found one in the form of an unsolicited d pic..it’s time to fight back and show them what they do to men who think this is ok ✂️

Zaphne is seriously unhinged but I guess that’s one way to teach those losers that think we enjoy those kind of pics 😌 This was so unserious, I found myself laughing at parts…until the last brutal pages 🫣 but the reasons for the fatales caused by D pics did get me the most 🤣

I think this is available on KU currently too! Check your triggerrrrrrs 🤎 ⭐️⭐️���️💫

[Amy Moo · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75
Such a fun book and a great revenge story 😂 I do kind of wish that we didn't have to mention cis men so much - not that I'm against it but it was said a handful of times when it was only really needed once. We all know what these blokes are like, whipping their wangs about.

[Kaci · Rating 1 out of 5]

I almost DNF'd this book, but it was so short that I felt I had to make myself finish reading it. A book with a name and cover like this should NOT be THIS boring. It was a major let down. I thought it would at least be funny, but it wasn't.

[˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ miyuki ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪]

Was sipping on a caramel soy macchiato whilst reading this, very fitting! Now I just need to locate the men who have sent me dick pics....

[SeveredTherapy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was absolutely cackling while reading this story and I feel a large part of that was due to the fact that my partner is reading "Legends and Lattes" directly next to me. The juxtaposition between our two literary preferences makes for entertaining moments when we share snippets with one another.

As for the story itself, its blatantly satirical from the first paragraph. Its also over the top in ridiculousness and that applies to a certain small niche of extreme horror fans. Kind of like if Jim Carrey and Infant Annihilator created offspring.

A short read, but worth the time.

[Biblio]

Honestly over the top satirical to where it was hardly funny and mostly annoying. The best part was the shortest part of the story so that was also irritating. Been enjoying a lot from these duo but this was a miss for me.

[mark feenan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutal. Hilarious.

[Alexis P · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I read splatterpunk I generally want to know how far and disturbing can the author go while also trying to tell a good story or at least grab my interest, but this felt offensive and gory for the sake of it. I like dark humor and offensive stuff for the laughs, but this story just wasn’t funny to me. Making fun of social justice warriors and the creeps who share unsolicited dick pics could have been a trip, but this wasn’t it.

Will check more stuff by this duo if my opinion of their writing changes.

[Rainy Marie Butts · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love seeing a nonbinary main character with consistent usage of they/them pronouns! I’m nonbinary so it’s nice when I run across some representation in books I read! This was a decent short story I got from Godless and went into it blind. I wasn’t disappointed and it was actually a pretty fun read!

[K D Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zaphne is a resident on the psych ward. Zaphne scrolls through the bookclub messages she is a part of on her phone. There’s always drama in there!

A message pops up in the chat room from Sausage Santa and Zaphne spirals thinking of the trauma of unsolicited d*ck pics!

Zaphne decides to make a stand and lures Sausage Santa to her. What ensues is Zaphne’s unravelling rage

[Brian Bowyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fast, Brutal, and Hilarious!

Another banger from McHardy and Hawker! This one's a quick splash of madness from two masters of irreverence and perversion. Highly recommended!

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm afraid Sausage Santa will not be around to spread the joy of Christmas this year.