الرجل الذي ظن أن العمل حياته

by Naomi Shragai, هناء خليف غني (ترجمة)

You probably don't realise this, but every working day you replay and re-enact conflicts, dynamics and relationships from your past. Whether it's confusing an authority figure with a parent; avoiding conflict because of past squabbles with siblings; or suffering from imposter syndrome because of the way your family responded to success, when it comes to work we are all trapped in our own upbringings and the patterns of behaviour we learned while growing up.

Many of us spend eighteen formative years or more living with family and building our personality; but most of us also spend fifty years - or 90,000 hours - in the workplace. With the pull of the familial so strong, we unconsciously re-enact our personal past in our professional present - even when it holds us back.

Through intimate stories, fascinating insights and provocative questions that tackle the issues that cause us most problems - from imposter syndrome and fear of conflict to perfectionism and anxiety - business psychotherapist Naomi Shragai will transform how you think about yourself and your working life.

Based on thirty years of expertise and practice, Shragai will show you that what is holding you back is within your gift to change - and the first step is to realise how you, like the rest of the people you work with, habitually confuse your professional present with your personal past.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Business, Audiobook, Professional Development, Personal Development

Paperback

Reviews

[Abdullah Albahkali · Rating 4 out of 5]

اسهب الكتاب في تحليل ودراسة عدد من الحالات النفسية في مقرات العمل. وعل ابرز ما شدني طرحه للمثلنة idealization والشخصية النرجسية وآليات وكيفيات التعامل والتعايش معها في العمل.
جميع الحالات المذكورة في الكتاب اشتركت في عامل مهم؛ التربية والنشأة وتأثيرها في قراءتنا للموقف في العمل، تزيد او تنقص من صلابتنا النفسية، تقوي أو تُضعف ذكاءنا العاطفي.
ونتيجةً لذلك زاد إيماني المطلق بأهمية التربية والتنشئة ليس فقط للأبوين كعائد استثماري يرونه في ابنائهم، وإنما لخلق مجتمع قادر على التعامل والتواصل الفعال في مقرات العمل.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review 42 of 2022

This book was very insightful with loads of tips and knowledge to take away from it as it is very office based in its approach and application. However a lot of the information (if I didn’t consciously make a note of it) did just go straight out of my brain which in turn didn’t really leave an impression on me

[عزام الشثري · Rating 2 out of 5]

سيل من حكايات الموظفين المراجعين لعيادة نفسيّة
وبعض الحكايات المقتبسة من حول العالم للمشاهير
يعانون من أعمالهم بسبب مختلف الاضطرابات النفسية
عن هوس السيطرة والصدام ومتلازمة المحتال والرفض
لمسني الفصل 10 عن محاولة التداوي من النرجسية
افتقدت بعض البلاغة والحبكة والتقسيم والإيجاز

[Hajar Masrour · Rating 4 out of 5]

جميل، من الأفضل الإنسان يقرأه ف بداية العشرينات. الموضوع لا يُتحدث عنه كثيرا فيتحول لتجربة ذاتية مرهقة... فالاطلاع المسبق قد يفيد.

[🌶 peppersocks 🧦 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reflections and lessons learned:
“Work will not love you back…”

Why do we work? Could I give it all up, or would I miss it? What is the best work life balance? Why do office politics exist and should we participate or ignore? This book is part philosophical analysis of life and then part analysis of all of the above questions and more. More serious and longer than I expected, but nothing necessarily superfluous.

For anyone that ever woke up in the middle of the night and started planning their workload without directly feeling stressed… choose the ride carefully, enjoy the ride and keep the helmet and safety harness handy

“…let work boost your self worth and belief, and yes, work can love you back”

[Erica Basnicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book disappointing as it skips over what I consider to be the most important aspect of any non-fiction book: answers and/or actions to take. To be fair, a book can’t provide all these things in a manner tailored to an individual’s specific experience but some generalities wouldn’t have hurt.

This is essentially a book-length series of examples of how a person’s upbringing can manifest in the workplace. Recognising them is useful, and so I found the examples helpful in that respect. But that’s essentially all that this book does. If you are looking for ways to work through your own difficulties…you’ll have to see a therapist or buy a better book. Let me know if you find one ;)

[Nicoletta · Rating 3 out of 5]

La prima parte non ha catturato la mia attenzione, la seconda metá risulta piú interessante, non ne ho tratto grandi insegnamenti personali perché io non confondo minimamente la mia vita personale e la mia vita lavorativa, peró puó essere spunto di riflessione per chi ha un rapporto piú critico col lavoro.

[باسم · Rating 5 out of 5]

في كتابها، تنقل الكاتبة -وهي معالجة نفسية- قصصًا حقيقية من جلساتها، وتُفسر كيف نظن أن مواقفنا المهنية في العمل نتاج قرارات عقلانية أو طموح محسوب، بينما نحن في الواقع لسنا إلا امتداد لتجارب الطفولة، وجرح الهوية، وصراعات الذات التي لم تُحل. نكتشف أن المكتب، بكل ما فيه من نجاحات وإحباطات، ليس سوا مسرحٍ صغير يعيد عرض المشاهد الأعمق في حياتنا: البحث عن القبول، والخوف من الفشل، والرغبة في السيطرة أو الانتماء.

[Nik · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting insights, a little repetitive in some places & quite contradictory in others, which was a little frustrating. As other reviewers have said, I would have liked more practical tips on how to deal with certain situations.

[Yaqeen Mortada · Rating 3 out of 5]

موضوع الكتاب مهم جدا في ظل تغير بيئة الاعمال سريعاً واخذها حيزا كبيرا من تفكير ووقت المرء، الامر الذي يجعلها محطة لانكشاف العِلل التي مرّ بها الافراد.
اعجبني ترتيب الفصول وفقا لنوع العارض النفسي وهو ما يقدم فهماً لما ممكن ان نواجهه شخصياً او استيعاباً لمن حولنا.
أرى ان الكتاب يحتاج بعض التركيز بسبب الاسهاب في الحديث وهناك نوع من الالتباس في ترتيب وطرح الموضوع فوددت لو كانت الفقرات مترابطة اكثر ولهذا اخذ الكتاب وقتاً اضافياً مطولا.

[Natalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trochę powtarzalna, ale przynosi dużo spokoju. Dobre (ale nie wybitne) uzupełnienie terapii.

[Nuttawat Kalapat · Rating 3 out of 5]

เอาเรื่อง ปม ในวัยเด็ก มาเขื่อมโยงกับชีวิตวัยทำงานได้ดีนะ
พูดถึง perfectionist imposter syndrome นิดหน่อย

[Hans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Prettige schrijfstijl. Geeft mooi inzicht over onbewuste drijfveren in ons werk en waar het mis kan lopen, maar ook hoe je het achter je kunt laten.

[Isobelle Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful exploration of the messy irrational side of work. Below are my takeways:

We all bring our messy emotional lives with us wherever we go, including to work. Alongside our skills, dedication, and ambition, we bring to work our "inner lives"—our sensitivities, misperceptions, fears, and insecurities, as well as the strong emotions that sometimes hijack us. This includes our unconscious, where we bury the experiences from our early life that we find too painful or uncomfortable to face.

We talk about colleagues, bosses, and direct reports as if they were not real relationships. While work provokes strong feelings, there is little tolerance in the workplace for their existence.

Bringing our unconscious motivations to conscious awareness is crucial at a time when work demands more of our psychological strength. We revisit the past not to be attached to it but to be free from it. Personal awareness and insight must be translated into change and action.

Convincing others of our confidence and ability to perform is necessary to maintain our position and climb the career ladder. Although essential, this mask creates tension between the image we convey and our actual thoughts and feelings.

It's useful to think of yourself as having "parts." One part of you could be anxious about reliving humiliating feelings, even while another part is determined to do well.

Imposter syndrome exists on a continuum. At the mild end, humility, modesty, and a willingness to show vulnerability are useful, as they help people warm to you and can defuse resentment and envy from colleagues. Insecurity also makes us more likely to prepare well for tasks, focus on details, and be aware of risks. Feeling fraudulent is a sign that you're being challenged, which spurs us to learn and grow.

Michael Bader, a psychoanalyst and writer, believes the core issue behind imposter syndrome is actually a form of guilt. While it feels like fear of failure or humiliation, unconsciously, it is a fear of success that underlies the syndrome. With more success comes more exposure and more to be anxious about.

If what you're dealing with is bearable, try to turn these thoughts into your advantage. Recognize that self-doubt is normal and can help spur you on to achieve more. Identify areas you need to improve and work with a mentor.

If intense and excruciating feelings do not diminish despite having gained experience in your role, then examine yourself and try to determine if your feelings are triggered internally from deep-seated experiences. You do not need to act on these feelings through defensive behaviours such as overworking and perfectionism. This might leave you feeling uncomfortable, but uncomfortable feelings do not kill! Write down your accomplishments and collect evidence of your capabilities. Recognize that bad decisions and failure are always a possibility.

### Chapter 3: People Pleasing

Envy can obstruct learning and collaboration. Tanya Menon, a professor of management and HR at Ohio State University, studies envy in the workplace. Her research reveals that people prefer to learn new techniques, ideas, or strategies from those outside their own organizations rather than from within. Someone in your own organization is more threatening because they directly compete with you for bonuses and promotions. Someone outside doesn't directly compete with you for rewards. A good leader needs to learn to gain satisfaction from the achievements of staff rather than seeking it from personal accomplishments. Becoming clear about what you envy in a person helps clarify what you need to work on to achieve it for yourself. When you choose to undermine someone rather than learn from them, there is no personal growth to be gained.

Kerry Sulkowicz, a U.S. psychoanalyst and advisor to corporate leaders advises that conflicts of long duration may be indicative of something deeply embedded in the psyches of the individuals involved and the dynamic they form. In such cases, the solution will need to be structural rather than psychological, such as transferring an individual to another department.

Being an adored son or daughter might leave you with a sense of specialness that the world does not mirror back to you, giving you a grandiose sense of yourself and disappointment in the world.

Donald Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst, suggests that parents only need to aim to be "good enough." This means allowing themselves to have imperfections while supporting their children through their anxieties and rages to help them cope with life's realities. Children can actually benefit when parents fail them in manageable ways. The frustrations and irritations that are bound to arise can help children learn to cope with such occurrences later in life.

If you have a controlling boss, the best approach is to find out what they are worried about and convince them with your words and actions that you want to help.

Professor Heffernan suggests that "a great deal of what people want from work is about freedom—to explore, grow, and be themselves. To the degree you give them a good context to do that, they will amaze you, and to the degree you control them, they're always going to disappoint you because, really, you want them to be you, not themselves."

If you are a manager struggling to release control, you will need to accept that others can do the job as well as you, and sometimes better. Let being liked be the last thing on your mind—it will only limit you in making good decisions. Mistakes and failures are inevitable. Try to see the opportunities in all outcomes: either you will be successful, in which case you will need to pass the credit to your team, or there will be something to learn from the failures.

### Idealization

The saying "if it looks too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true" can equally apply to people. If you find yourself believing you have the perfect boss or are starstruck with your new employee, you might be in the grip of idealization. Guard against idealization as a leader by showing vulnerability, actively seeking out negative feedback if you're not hearing any, asking for help occasionally, convincing your staff that you welcome disagreement and differing views, and making yourself visible and available to staff.

### Narcissism

A healthy dose of narcissism is crucial to getting ahead in our careers. Healthy narcissism is the belief we have in ourselves; it fuels our ambitions and provides the toughness to persevere, challenge others, and take risks. At the low extreme of the narcissism spectrum are those who lack self-belief, avoid risk, and are inept at assertion skills.

At the furthest extreme is the malignant narcissist, characterized by a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement. They are arrogant about their own capabilities, and distrust is a prominent characteristic.

[Carole Tyrrell · Rating 3 out of 5]

When you go to work it can often feel like being part of a family. After all, teams supposedly foster this and your colleagues can soon come to resemble your actual family, warts and all.
In this book, the author examines the sometimes thorny world of office relationships and they can mesh, often without people even realising it, with others from the past. Family dynamics can come back to haunt you in later life.
There are several areas discussed which include defensiveness, imposter syndrome, people pleasing, fear of rejection, overachievement, personality clashes (who hasn’t had one of those), paranoia, fear of conflict and narcissism.
The author is a psychotherapist who uses real case histories from people undergoing counselling to illustrate how previous behaviours and experiences can be brought into the workplace unwittingly as the worker tries, often unknowingly, to replicate them. However, I would have liked more detail on how the people quoted dealt with it. I felt that the book really rattled along as it covered so many topics and perhaps if there had been less, they could have been covered in more detail. Also, if your manager or co-worker reminds you of say, an overbearing parent, what do you do? Leave, transfer to another department or live with it? It is written from the experiences of people who have acknowledged their problems and are seeking to change but what about the rest?
However, there were a lot of good insights in the book especially with imposter syndrome and overachievers. It was an interesting read but I felt that more detail and practical solutions would have improved it greatly.

My thanks to Ebury and penguin Random House and Netgalley for an ARC.

[Yazeed Mujahed · Rating 4 out of 5]

A highly recommended read, an eye opener to the attitudes in the work environments.

The idea of reflecting the attitudes in work to previous experiences (mainly in a young age) is new to me. So many things make sense.
The author is smart in her approach to the topics and chapter.

She is not afraid of sharing personal experiences, which tells how confident and skillful she is.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read, which looks at how we deal with things in the workplace is affected and formed through our childhood experiences. Naomi Shragai is a psychotherapist and uses (with consent) real life examples to illustrate and explain such things as why some want to people please, avoid difficult conversations or have imposter syndrome

I think this book is good at raising awareness about the causes of our own behaviour and that of others. However, it isn't big on solutions. In part this is because it would be difficult to undo a lifetime of conditioning through some simple steps - although some books try to do this, of course.

I did find the book slightly grating in a couple of places, such as when she described the mansion apartments her psychotherapy clients walk past to get to a session, which felt to me that she was trying to sell a picture of her privileged life, and when she referred to "political correctness" to dismiss a certain way of thinking. But, overall, the book was good and will help us to understand ourselves and others better, so that we can be better managers, colleagues and employees.

[Ruby Cooper · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting/unusual premise that seemed to me to address a gap in ‘the literature’, and some interesting insights, but it wasn’t quite what I was hoping it would be. I guess I was after something that would shed a bit more light on my imposter syndrome and help me to understand myself personally a bit more, and it did to an extent, and probably more than I realise, but I didn’t find it as revealing as I’d hoped. I also wasn’t gripped by it, as much as you can be when reading a non-fiction book; I found my mind drifting off when listening to it. It also felt quite repetitive to me and quite reductive/overly categorical at times; I appreciate that the writer’s experience gives her a very strong understanding of how people work, but I believe that human psyches are so unique from one person to another that common personality traits/behaviour patterns should be discussed in a more tentative way than they were here.

[Monet · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first read like an A-Level essay, but then developed into having a lot of insightful points. It does make you think, especially when a lot of the points hit home. For me, reading the insights alone is enough for you to understand how to change/adapt.

Other novels that sell specific solutions are flawed in my opinion - like “12 Rules for Life” - that book made zero sense. I don’t agree with other reviews that wanted more ‘solution’. The solutions are here in this book if you pay attention.

Here, you get to see a variety of behaviours and how you might relate to one or multiple of them, and plausible explanations for them.

Having the many clients examples is helpful and makes it a much easier read.

I did struggle at first, but I started to appreciate it by chapter 2 or 3 or so.

[Helen Pickett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting non fiction book about day to relationships in the work place. Covers areas such as defensiveness, imposter syndrome, people pleasing, fear of rejection, overachievement, personality clashes, paranoia, fear of conflict and narcissism.
It is based on the idea that how we act in workplace is based on childhood experiences which I felt seemed a little obvious. All relations either work or personal are based on our relationships from childhood. What else would we have to base on experiences on?
Written mostly from the experiences of others attending counselling, it offers an interesting and sometimes reassuring insight.
Managers in particular May find this useful.

[Helen Pickett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting non fiction book about day to relationships in the work place. Covers areas such as defensiveness, imposter syndrome, people pleasing, fear of rejection, overachievement, personality clashes, paranoia, fear of conflict and narcissism.
It is based on the idea that how we act in workplace is based on childhood experiences which I felt seemed a little obvious. All relations either work or personal are based on our relationships from childhood. What else would we have to base on experiences on?
Written mostly from the experiences of others attending counselling, it offers an interesting and sometimes reassuring insight.
Managers in particular May find this useful.

[Rob Tarling · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Man Who Mistook His Job for His Life has a decent enough premise. It looks at how our early family patterns can follow us into the workplace. And some sections were interesting, especially on people-pleasing, overwork, and the way old emotional habits can shape work behaviour.

But overall the book didn’t work for me. The main argument was too narrow. Too much seemed to come back to childhood experience. And while likely true in quite a few cases, it did not always feel enough.

I also wanted more depth. The book explains why some workplace patterns happen, but I wanted more on what to do with that insight.

Other readers may get more from it than I did.

2.5 stars.

[Lis · Rating 3 out of 5]

A professional psychotherapist takes the common trends she comes across in practice and applies them to workplace dynamics. As a concept? Sounds brilliant. The reality is a bit less engaging: there are some fascinating insights, particularly for somebody new to management, but the writing style is so dry - from an author who was once a standup comedian! There’s also a whole chapter dedicated to diagnosing Donald Trump as a narcissist, which I thought was a clinical no-no. It’s definitely a different take on the business self-help genre: just not one I particularly enjoyed.

[Sumi Singh · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read from a Professional sharing how individuals join Organizations with the notion it's a family unit carrying wounds from the past. Until they seek help for their various issues, they cannot expect managers to deal with their emotions or baggage in a constructive manner. My views are that not everyone can afford to see psychologists, and most do not want to see one or are in denial they even have an issue. Another concern is managers who are the problem needing psychology themselves!!

[Jenny K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many of us spend eighteen years or more living with family and building our personality; but most of us also spend fifty years (or 90,000 hours) in the workplace. With the pull of the familial so strong, we unconsciously re-enact our personal past in our professional present – even when it holds us back. Written by business psychotherapist Naomi Shragai, the book helps you transform how you think about yourself and your working life.

[Vaughan · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I could give this a 3.5 I would... it barely scrapes into a 4 brcause it made me step back and think. I wasn't a fan of some of the pigeon-holing, trying to tie all life choices an adult makes to some experience that shaped them as a kid. Not everyone's life can be tied up with such simplistic bows. However, the way that some of the example subjects were unpacked to revealing many layers of factors driving their behaviour was useful for self-reflection.

[Emily Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was fascinating in that it’s acknowledged something that should be obvious but is often not considered in that the workplace and it’s high emotion interactions are based on the psychological baggage we all carry round with us, often amplified by scenarios played out in the workplace. While I think it lacked any practical guidance on how to address this, it provided a new perspective and issues to carefully consider in day to day life which is important in itself.

[Martyna Wieczorek · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bardziej jest to wyjaśnienie mechanizmów, niż "jak pozbyć się bagażu emocjonalnego w pracy". Syndrom oszusta, przeniesienie i projekcje są mi już znane, więc też nic odkrywczego, mało narzędzi do pracy nad tymi mechanizmami, a przykłady trochę jak z amerykańskich naukowców. Może gdybym pracowała w korpo, byłoby przydatniej. ;)

[Caroline 'relaxing with my rescue dogs' · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really should have read this before being made redundant. Whilst I was working I just devoted myself to work, now I have such a better work/life balance and am teaching my young adult children the lessons from here.

I was given a free copy by netgalley and the publishers but the review is entirely my own.

[TwoDrinks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to as an audiobook which I think game me time to reflect as I was listening and was ultimately more useful. I’d read this again, partly because the section on narcissism didn’t really go in the first time, but notwithstanding my rubbish memory, plenty of things to start me thinking aren’t and reflecting on my own experience.