If I Close My Eyes

by Ben Fama

In a debut novel as emotionally raw as it is uncanny, a tragic love story unfolds against the complicated backdrop of Hollywood's elite, where the line between reality and fantasy blurs under the modern tension of the civilian and celebrity worlds.

Deathwish and Fantasy author Ben Fama brings a poet’s sensibility to his highly original and delicate debut novel. If I Close My Eyes showcases Fama’s demonstrated skill for startling visual imagery, emotional depth and caustic satire, all woven into a tragic narrative as real as it is otherworldly.

The novel tells the story of two strangers who begin an affair after surviving a mass shooting at a Kim Kardashian book signing. Lust and pleasure fuel the romance between a 19-year-old aspiring screenwriter and a 30-year-old struggling actress over the backdrop of our fast-paced, digital world. Set in Los Angeles and New York City, playing out through text message banter, trashy tabloid stories and other appropriated forms, If I Close My Eyes presents the story of two damaged bodies whose lives briefly touch and are forever changed as a result. Humorous and melancholy, simultaneously satirical and deadpan, If I Close My Eyes is for readers of Bruce Wagner, Bret Easton Ellis and even Evelyn Waugh.

A true poet's novel, beautiful yet deliberate, If I Close My Eyes comes undone with each turn of the page, peeling back every artifice facing us and showing us ourselves, stripped of our narratives, naked except for our desires. Fama pulls us into his spiral with ease, offering humor and devastation with each card dealt to us, and the chaos feels as intrinsic yet mysterious to us as our own bodies. If I Close My Eyes makes us question: What do we do when fantasy abandons us?

"Imagine a young Bret Easton Ellis with a heart, if you can, and that's Ben Fama. With devastating compassion for his dissolute characters, Fama extracts truths about contemporary pop culture that feel original and bold, even as they come at the cost of some unfortunate young people's grasping, heartbreaking, sometimes hilarious lives. Every sentence is a twisty, poetic pleasure, but never at the expense of the plot. I treasured every weird-ass page."
—Emily Gould, author of Perfect Tunes

"Ben Fama's debut novel If I Close My Eyes is David Cronenberg's Maps to the Stars meets Chris Kraus' Summer of Hate—come for the acute Hollywood satire and stay for the dreamy love story. I adored this book."
—Anna Dorn, author of Exalted

"A playful and ultra-contemporary story in which Fama's prose sparkles."
—Rachel Rabbit White, author of Porn Carnival

“Ben Fama’s debut is a tender, hyper-contemporary satire about Hollywood and digital life, grief and addiction.”
—Nylon

"A thoughtful … vivid tale."
—Kirkus

Genres: Fiction

170 pages, Paperback

Published October 10, 2023

Reviews

[Jay Slayton-Joslin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice to read a novel where you really grow with the main characters as it goes on. Some parts of it weren't for me, but I suspect will be for most others. But definitely achieves what I believe it set out to.

[joe]

Surprisingly emotional in certain sections of the book but felt to be surrounded by a vapidness that never truly hooks.

Jesse Shore is so naive and whimsical in his outlook, for a variety of reasons (all of which make relative sense), that it could create some real stupidity in his character. He’s young and impressionable, striving for a lofty goal within a world that happily chews up and spits out even the white-knuckled of those amongst us, which creates a real daunting aspect for the mid-section of the novel - realisations come to the reader far quicker than our green lead character and you’re waiting for a car crash.

Did particularly enjoy the sections of the book that played with form and moved into a blend of script writing, descriptions of movies etc. That wishy-washy perspective felt emblematic of Hollywood and the world of celebrity as a whole - everyone is striving for something that mixes so violently with interpersonal relationships, who’s ever being their true selves? When does the show end? It’s the strongest side to the book and it’s only briefly brought up in what seems to feel like interludes to a far more standard plot line.

Found the ending to be a sparkle in an otherwise middle-of-the-pack read.

[Miranda · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were things I liked about If I Close My Eyes and things I could have done without. I appreciated that in a story about LA, celebrities, Kardashians, television and parties, the author went there and name dropped throughout the whole book. There was no eluding to who he was describing, no matter what ridiculous thing they did. It was the right choice in a story that deals with the absurdity of social media and celebrity culture. At some points the story was dragging for me, and I was losing focus, but that could be just my experience. Some parts could have been shortened, while others expanded on. The story itself is exhausting due to the characters striving for a celebrity life that they observe everywhere around them, but will most likely never fully attain. Everyone is easy to hate, which is fine, but I think I needed the characters to go a little deeper to be fully invested. One of the best moments of the book for me was the ending. I think I would have liked more moments like that throughout the book.

[Bunny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the books I read to get back into reading after a long dry spell and honestly the first of Fama’s work I’ve read. I’d been looking for it for a while (since it came out honestly) and finally found it in a bookstore last weekend - and absolutely devoured it. It was easy to get absorbed into the whirlwind that Jesse got swept up into as well. We’ve all been to a party and ended up chatting with a Jesse, a Lee, a Mars for hours. I loved it - so much more enjoyable and less pretentious than I was expecting based on the description, and fantastic for a first novel.

[Rama · Rating 2 out of 5]

"What was it you always said about the transcendent value of suffering?

It's how we relate to other people. I think we always said the mark and measure of a person is their deeds, their compassion and empathy.”

Tried to stick this through but it was way too weird and convoluted for my taste. Super heavy on pop culture and an insane amount of Kardashian references, my head was spinning and not in a good way. Couldn’t find it in me to care for the characters or their choices. Maybe better suited to someone else!

[Sara Gerot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE the character of Jesse Shore. So so so much. I love the pop-ness, the goth-ness, and the gently sadness. When this is described as a coming-of-age I think it doesn't quite totally explain the depth of this. It isn't exactly that. I mean it is, but it more. Jesse's sobriety is almost its own character. What refreshing book. The writing was just absolutely to die for lovely.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

If I close my eyes and pretend that this is, instead, a brilliant first draft, then there’s potential to enjoy it. Ended up skimming. It’s vapid material that’s trying hard to break the surface and find some depth, but to no avail.

[b · Rating 3 out of 5]

“‘Yeah, Jesse loves mediocre films…’
‘They’re orphaned,’ Jesse said, over the music. ‘They’re not good enough to want to have a second viewing, no one really wants to talk about them. They aren’t bad enough to become kitsch objects. They’re just left behind.’” (118)

[Charlie]

yay rlly fun

[Emily O’Neill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Soulful and profound! Fama’s writing is absolutely brilliant!!!!

[Steven · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever been waiting in line at a grocery store and had serotonin flood your brain as you looked at a magazine and thought "I know who that is," this book is for you.

[Michael Veskovich · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re patient, you’ll be rewarded. The first twenty or so pages it was a bit “whatever” and then it came to life and I couldn’t put it down. For a first novel, Ben Fama has written a decent one.

[Tess Pollok · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ben is the bard of broken souls. Damaged women will love this book!

[Jayden Withington · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy read, following a self sabotaging rich kid for a moment in time. Enjoyable, not amazing.

[anon · Rating 2 out of 5]

got too depressed when the protagonist crashed out to keep reading. prose is stylish and witty but not for me.

[benin · Rating 4 out of 5]

need to bookmark this for a second read but so good and tender. raises and lowers the many rites emblematic of a cynical time, as Mars herself observes, thru a collage of intertextual exchanges. You get the sense as a reader of being many different kinds of audience members, being dragged through the mush of media, every possible iteration and form which is fun (if not a little accusatory — like what won’t you consume you freak? very little actually). it reminded me of the blown up relationships of lots of celebrity couples I’ve projected all sorts of desire fulfillments onto (fka twigs and r patz come to mind) while researching all the details of their relationship and break up, trying to press thru all the astroturfed language and pr negotiations to access something real. in this case we have it the wrong way around — all the intimate gooey details of a relationship that never mattered to anyone because it never advanced past rumor.