Não Entoe Canções a um Coração Aflito

by Kenneth C. Haugk (Brand), Daniel Hubert Kroker (Translator)

O QUE ENTOA CANÇÕES AO CORAÇÃO AFLITO É COMO QUEM TIRA A ROUPA EM DIA DE FRIO, COMO VINAGRE SOBRE A FERIDA. Provérbios 25:20
Em vez de aumentar o fardo de pessoas que estão sofrendo, como podemos ajudá-las a aliviar sua dor e mostrar que nos importamos? Não entoe canções a um coração aflito é a resposta para essa pergunta desafiadora. Com base na experiência pessoal de Kenneth C. Haugk e em uma pesquisa extensa com mais de 4 mil pessoas que passaram por diversos tipos de sofrimento, este livro apresenta percepções e sugestões importantes sobre o que dizer e fazer ― e o que não dizer ou fazer ― quando as pessoas estão sofrendo. Alicerçado em um fundamento bíblico sólido e repleto de ideias práticas, Não entoe canções a um coração aflito o ajudará a encontrar as palavras e ações certas para levar a presença amorosa de Deus aos feridos em seus momentos de maior necessidade.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Christianity, Faith, Spirituality, Religion, Grief

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Ana Paula Nunes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lido em português - lançamento da Vida Nova.

Achei muito interessante a proposta do autor dando outro ângulo para o cuidado com os que sofrem, tratando bastante da nossa posição como ouvintes e nossa disposição em dar tempo e atenção a quem sofre. Ele traz muitas dicas práticas do que falar, do que não falar...baseado em uma pesquisa que ele fez.

Eu quase tirei uma estrela por ele não considerar que muita coisa que ele disse que não se deve dizer precisa sim ser dita. Porém, me dei conta de que essa não é a proposta DO LIVRO rs. O livro está tratando especificamente do que o cuidador tem que se atentar quando o outro está no momento de sofrimento. E tem muita coisa que precisa ser dita sim, mas que tem hora pra ser dita e não é durante as dores de alguém.

São perspectivas muito boas para nós cristãos. Vale a pena a leitura.

[Empress5150 · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is recommended reading for Stephen Ministers (as a Stephen Leader, frankly I think this should be required reading for our Stephen Ministers) however the information contained in this book would be beneficial to anyone providing care to or even simply interacting with a hurting or suffering person, which means, pretty much EVERYONE should read this book. This book lays out all the constructive things you can say or do (and does not hesitate to point out those things that you should NOT say or do!

Here is a bit of advice from each chapter that I found particularly helpful:

Chapter 1 The Call to Care
Just because a statement is true does not make it helpful (to say to a hurting person).

"Like the one who takes away a garment on a cold day; or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." Proverbs 25:20

Chapter 2 A Biblical Understanding of Caring
Hope does not negate pain.

As a member of God's family, you are called to bear what the family bears, no less. But don't expect a suffering person to send you an engraved invitation to come alongside. YOU need to take the initiative.

Chapter 3 A Guest in a Holy Place
You are entering another's house of pain. You don't get to redecorate another person's house to suit your own needs.

Chapter 4 Who You Bring to the Relationship
The answer is basic. You bring Jesus, and you bring yourself.

The human presence of the one caring and relating. That's incarnation; (Jesus) is there in you.

If there is any posture that disturbs a suffering person, it's aloofness.

Chapter 5 What Do You Do After You Say Hello?
It's good to see you. Fill me in on what's been going on.

Sometime, probably sooner than later, it makes sense to say "I'm sorry."

Listening much more than talking leads to success in caring.

It is strictly about the person suffering. Forget about yourself and your own needs.

Chapter 6 Cry, Feel Awful
Caregivers sometimes worry that if a suffering person breaks into tears, it must mean that they have done something wrong. In truth, most of the time it meas the opposite, you've done something right, very right.

Offer validating responses when a suffering person describes how they feel. Believe what you hear and communicate that belief. "I wouldn't want to lose my hair, either." "Of course you don't. I wouldn't, either".

If someone is striking out at God, get out of their way and let the person have their say. Better yet. Don't get out of the way. Walk with the person.

Listening is the closest thing to a magic bullet you will find in your kit of caring skills.

The very best thing you can offer a suffering person is a heart full of understanding, eyes filled with tears, and ears ready to listen.

Chapter 7 Wishing Hurts Away: Don't You Wish!
Natural tendencies that block effective caring:

The Human Desire to Want to Fix Things
Preset Agendas
Trying to Hit a "Home Run"

Nothing you can do will miraculously remove the person's pain. That is God's terrain. You have been called to a role that is much more attainable. Walking with the person, sharing and being Christ's love and compassion.

Chapter 8 For Better of For Worse
Caring is action, not just good intentions.

People almost always appreciate receiving a card or a note. Their comfort lasts.

If you are not sure how a phone call would be received, put down the phone and pick up your pen.

Curb your curiosity before asking a question. Ask yourself, "Will knowing the answer to this help me be a better caregiver?"

Exercise great sensitivity when you consider using humor with someone who is suffering.

Don't offer assurances when someone is angry with God. Those angry feelings need to come out. Wait until later.

"I have mostly felt God's love through someone's care, presence, and acceptance. Not from their words."

Chapter 9 Words that Hurt, Not Heal
Platitudes, cliches and other expressions are words that hurt rather than heal even when they are said with the kindest intentions.

Statements to avoid NO MATTER WHAT:
-I know how you feel. Worse = I know just how you feel. Worse yet = I know exactly how you feel.

-Keep a stiff upper lip.

-At least...

-You should/shouldn't...

-Platitudes cloaked in religious language such as "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" (which, BTW, is NOWHERE in the Bible!)"It's God's will"

Chapter 10 Pink Thinking
Pink thinking is optimism run amok. "Look on the bright side!" is the banner of the pink thinker.

Don't try to: Cheer people up (it's like putting a bandage over their struggles and they'll probably want to slap you),
Gloss over, "everything's going to be alright" (it is patronizing!)
Deny the reality of the painful situation (which denies the suffering person the privilege of talking about it),
Practice tough encouragement (dismisses the person's pain by declaring they need to be strong and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT)
Say, "I can't think of a person better able to handle this than you (hurting people need the permission to be weak, not be forced to be strong (boy don't I know this one by heart!))

Chapter 11 Creating a Safe Place
React emotionally to hard news. That's being real. Respond from your heart.
This is the time to resist every temptation to put a positive spin on things.

How are you REALLY doing? (only say this if you really want to know the answer!)

Avoid avoidance!

Chapter 12 Simple and Profound
Sure winners in carrying for suffering people:

-Genuine prayer
-Showing up
-Naming the elephant
-Reminiscing
-Asking others how they are (really) doing
-Practical help (chores, errands, etc.)
-Following up

Obviously, this is a book based on Christian care giving, however, anyone of any background can adapt most of these practical suggestions to their own care giving.

Finally, this book is well-written and highly enjoyable to read.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another book by Kenneth C. Haugk giving helpful advice to facilitate "distinctly Christian care giving." Although most everything I read I considered to be common sense, I know that we'll-meaning people say and do the wrong thing while trying to give comfort all the time. This is a quick and easy read and would benefit anyone who desires to be a help not a hindrance to those with hurting hearts! I can't say I learned so much as I was reminded.

[LMG · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a book to help people understand how to relate to people that are suffering. It is truly one of the best books on this topic that I have read on this topic. It comes from a biblical perspective. It is both a theological framework and theology of caring for those who suffer, as well as a practical handbook offering suggestions and ideas to enable the reader to do it.

[James Chessor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent read. My only regret is that I didn’t read it four years ago when it was given to me. This is a must read for those who serve in ministry.

[Jeanne Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical approach to caring for people who are suffering or in difficult circumstances. Very helpful!

[Mary]

Life has seasons. For years it seemed we went to weddings, then to baby showers. Birthday parties followed; then we went to graduations (both high school and college). The cycle is interrupted with the addition of a sad and tragic season.

These days quite often we find ourselves in hospital rooms with friends who are gravely ill or at visitation/funerals visiting with friends who have lost loved ones. It's much easier to be a friend during the happy seasons of weddings, babies and birthdays - much more difficult to be a friend during the season of sadness. We all want to say the right thing but frequently do not know what to say.

Recently Dennis and I attended a workshop in Roswell sponsored by Stephen Ministries. Stephen Ministry is a bible-based ministry that walks alongside people who are going through difficult times. If you aren't familiar with Stephen in the New Testament he was one of seven deacons appointed by the Apostles to distribute food and charitable aid to poorer members of the community in the early Church (Acts 6:5).

The founder of Stephen Ministries is Kenneth Haugk. His book Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart gave me ideas for speaking to people who are in a season of sadness. How many times have you been to a funeral and heard someone say, ”He's in a better place now” or ”I guess God needed another angel.” This last phrase is often uttered at the death of a young child. Even though well-intentioned, these statements don't actually bring comfort. These statements do not offer empathy for the person who is suffering. Perhaps the statement is true “he’s in a better place now,” but it's difficult for the suffering person to see it from that perspective while in the depths of grief.

Another common saying is “I know how you feel.” Meant to bring comfort, it's actually an insult. Haugk says, ”No one knows how you feel and you don't know how anyone else feels. You may think you know, you may guess how someone else feels, you may suppose you know how someone else feels, but it's all speculation and by speculating, you rob the other of his or her unique identity.”

If like me, you wonder what to say at the funeral home or in the hospital situation, Haugk offers some suggestions which surfaced during his research. Heart responses that care receivers welcomed included “I'm so sorry,” “That's terrible,” “Bummer”, “Oh no, I was hoping it would be different.”

A head response, according to Haugk, communicates that their status is unacceptable and that good news is what you're looking for and all you will accept. A heart response can let them know that your heart is there with their heart. It's safe for them to be who they are with you.

I found the book to be very helpful and practical since we are now entering the season of help in our friendships and relationships with family and friends. Perhaps the next time there's a tragedy I will have a better understanding of what to say. I recommend the book.

[Dr. Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second time that I read Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart by Kenneth Haugk, and I learned as much with this read through as I did the first time. There is nothing new here; we should know how to relate to those among us who are suffering. The truth, however, is that for whatever reason we don’t always think first before we speak and we say hurtful things. Written soon after his wife died from cancer, Dr. Haugk’s word should be enough, but he uses survey responses from those suffering a loss to solidify his recommendations. Full of practical advice to help others, I think everyone should read this book at least once. For myself, as Dr. Haugk suggests, I pray to be the conduit of God’s grace in the lives of others.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worth the read for anyone engaged in compassionate caregiving (which should be everyone). We all need to invest time in developing our skills in how to relate to those who are suffering -- what to say and not say, what type of "help" is truly helpful and what is not. Much like communication, listening, and thinking, we don't tend to spend much time developing skills in this area as we falsely believe that we already know how to care for people who are hurting -- after all, we do that throughout are lives. But much like those other skills, intentional focus on developing our ability to relate in a compassionate way will reveal opportunities for us to improve. If you read Christian Caregiving some of the content will be familiar but the stories are fresh and the certain topics are expounded upon in more depth.

[Thart2002 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Years ago I volunteered as a HopeLink Minister at my church. A HopeLink minister was just supposed to walk and pray with someone who requested someone to walk with them as they were going through a hard time. I picked this book up then but didn't read it. It is a pity because as I read this gem of a book I realize I could have been much more helpful/comforting to the person had I been aware of some of my inclinations to make them feel better. After reading this book I have learned and plan on practicing its way of showing empathy for people who need comfort. There are two things that I will have to really work on; one, becoming comfortable in silence and two, not trying to make the other person feel better.

This is a wonderfully helpful, short read that almost all could benefit from reading.

[Sandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the information in this book is fantastic! I’ve attended training for being a Stephen Minister and a Stephen Leader. I feel the information is a lot of what is covered in training sans why I rated this book as a4 instead of a 5.

If you are walking with a person in need and you aren’t a Stephen Minster/Leader I would highly recommend this book. Dr. Haugk provides insights of why things should or shouldn’t be said and helpful ways to improve being a care giver. I really liked the prayers at the start of each chapter. I would also recommend this book if you are involved with Stephen Ministry and haven’t read it. There might be a few new nuggets and information but overall it’s a wonderful refresher.

[Dena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure why I bought this book years ago, but as I read it over the month of December, it was very clear that I could use the direction. I was reading it so that I could pass it on to my dad who is participating in a counseling program in the prison. I know he'll find it useful for the same reasons I did. We are fixers and this book is so helpful in explaining why that just isn't what people need - most of the time. It gives another view to being helpful - being present. Listening. All things that take intention from me. Probably a book everyone should read - anyone who has friends, family, coworkers that are going through hard times of any kind. So again, everyone.

[Anna Grace Coates · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

I struggled to not whip out a notebook and start taking notes. There are fantastically practical tips on how to be a more intentional, empathetic caregiver spread throughout this book.

I would have ranked this higher if:
1. It was a bit meatier with more exposition.
2. It had more stories rather vague implications.
3. The research methodology had been shared.

I'm very biased on #3 as I am a researcher and have more experience with the field than the lay person. Non-researchers will most likely not be affected by the lack of methodology, but other clinical scientists will find it a bit irksome.

[Lorna Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Hauck is the founder of Stphen Ministries, a one-on-one Christian care ministry. I have read most of his books, and in my opinion, this one is the very best. It was written from Dr. Hauck's personal esperiences when his wife was diagnosed, treated, and ultimately died from cancer. In addition to his own observations, however, Dr. Hauck interviewed many of others who had also been in the same position. Don't know what to say to a friend who is grieving? Dr. Hauck suggest whayt you might say, and even more important, what NOT to say.

[Dale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great practical advice for would-be compassionate care givers. Wish I had read this book before my father, spouse, mother-in-law and mother all died in a 4 year span. But new dogs can learn new tricks, as “they” are often found to say. Reading this as part of a curriculum of discernment to become a volunteer chaplain. I may need to re-read the book once I get a more practical feel how, in the confines of a public hospital setting, a chaplain’s tool box can be loaded. But a couple things are for sure: 1) go insure my ears next week, and 2) buy duct tape for my mouth.

[Benjamin Murray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Precise. Powerful. Pertinent.

Dr. Haugk writes from decades of ministry and counseling experience-- and grief itself. This book is rich with insight: one of the books meant to be read multiple times.

I purchased this book around 2 years ago. I read it about halfway through during the first months of a congregants cancer diagnosis and treatment, but then it got lost on a shelf. I picked it up in February of 2021 knowing it needed to be finished. This book was chocked full of markers of pertinent comments, pages, and quotes.

I highly recommend this book

[Tori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to supplement my training as a Stephen Minister but I highly recommend it to anyone who simply wants to get better at caring for others. It's a practical, easy-to-read book that is in large part common sense but written in a way that is encouraging me to step out and care for others better.

Let's face it, this world is a hurtful, heavy burden at times. We are all struggling with losses, challenges, and hurts. And sometimes we just don't do a good job at really caring for each other. Reading this book might inspire you, too!

[MacKenzie Buttram · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Those who sing cheery songs to a heavy heart abandon suffering people to bear their burdens alone. No one understands. No one acknowledges their pain…you can actually increase a suffering person’s pain with misdirected care. With the best of intentions you can add to people’s problems. Suffering individuals who hear such “songs” may feel worse because they reason, “Everyone thinks I should be better (happy, bearing up, improving), but I’m not. What’s the matter with me?” - Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph. D.

[Morgan Berning · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for those who are caring for grieving or suffering people. I loved the short prayers before each chapter; they were perfect to print off and hang up in my office, and use to pray before a tough consultation (I worked with vulnerable women, abortion minded women, and abuse/human trafficking survivors). This book would be wonderful along side the book called, “Companioning at a Time of Perinatal Loss”. This is not a hard skill or act or love; holding the space for others to grieve is holy and self sacrificing. This books book breaks down the fears or insecurities you might have about how to help a friend or loved one through a loss or season of grief.

[Bonnie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't endorse this enough! Being in this kind of pastoral care ministry for many years and also recently having experienced tremendous suffering within our own family, I can tell you that from both angles, the book is thorough and spot on! It is my go-to reference in ministry. I have highlighted something on every page.

Anyone in care ministry of any kind (not just Christian) should read this book, and every church leader should read it. Amazing! Thank you, Kenneth Haugk!

[Steven · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a short book to help people help those who are suffering. The direction is from a Christian perspective, yet much of the commentary is very universal so if you are not a Christian as such I think you will find much to learn from the book.

The book is a wonderful guide for discussion within groups of people who will be helping others through terrible times in their lives. After discussion, the book is great reference as people implement their ministry.

[Marti Eisentraut · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I will read many times. It is insightful, practical and speaks to my heart. This book draws on extensive research with more than 4000 people who have known suffering, offering specific insights, suggestions and examples of what to say and do -- and what not to say or do. I found myself highlighting and making notes of where I had done the right thing or the wrong thing. I highly recommend this book to anyone whom God has called to walk alongside a person who is suffering.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a pastor, I found this book to be more helpful than my seminary assigned reading in pastoral care! I've learned much of what this book shares through experience, but I would have loved to have read it as a nervous first-timer visiting a suffering person. Along with reinforcing what I've already learned through trial and error, I picked up some great new tips and thoughts. I highly recommend the book for everyone.

[Josh Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short read, but filled with insight and helpful examples as to how to interact with people who are going through difficult times. Also points out some of the common phrases we use (and actions we take) that are actually counterproductive or even hurtful. Even though I've read the book a few times, I still find myself slipping into some of the unhelpful behaviors. So, this is a good one to re-read from time to time.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this really helpful for spelling out what to say and especially what not to say when coming alongside people dealing with different kinds of grief (not just death.) This book doesn't just give helpful tips, it tells you the script. The foundation of this is teaching you empathy and what it practically looks like.

[Susan Henn · Rating 5 out of 5]

1/2019 Excellent book for people wanting to improve their caregiving skills. Haugk researched, using 4000 people who had experienced hurt or trauma, to uncover what words and actions from friends, family, and caregivers, were helpful versus hurtful. Very practical and insightful. I hope I remember everything the book presented!!!!

[Jared Townley · Rating 5 out of 5]

We go to school to learn how to do our job and we do drivers training for driving, but rarely ever do we talk about how to relate to people in suffering. Instead, we rely on intuition which, unless modeled well for us, is at best helpful and at worst destructive. This little easy read will give you guide rails as you walk across the bridge of walking alongside of someone who is suffering.

[Allison Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a short, easy read, and very practical. The author draws from Scripture, personal experience, and research to tell you both what *to do* as you seek to care for others in their suffering and also tells you what *not* to do. It's basic information, but warmly presented and easy to apply right away.

[Bernie Tomasso · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a good review for me as I prepare to lead a Bereavement Support Group. It has many practical suggestions for assisting individuals who are in need of healing. I highly recommend it. This was the second time that I read it and I learned new ideas from re-reading it.

[Gwen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether the reader is Christian or not, there are valuable and meaningful tools everyone should learn about what to do and say around people who are suffering. A must read for anyone who wants to up their Compassion IQ.