The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery

by Conor Lastowka, Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy

This hilarious mystery was written serially by the minds behind RiffTrax, with each writer picking up where the last left off.

There’s trouble in Hollywood. Big surprise, Sheepdip, there’s always trouble in Hollywood. But for Yours Truly, Nick Nolte, private dick, actor, entrepreneur, collector of exotic and often dangerous commodities, and People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992), Hollywood is a filthy, decaying, half-empty swimming pool, and I’m gonna dive in head-first. Someone’s kidnapping Hollywood bigwigs? Hell, I wish I’d thought of it first. Clones runnin’ amok from Pismo to Tijuana? Sounds like fun, hand me a gun. A dame in distress willing to hire me for a sack a’ quarters? I’m in. I’ll even put on my best shirt for the job, which is easy, ’cause it’s my only shirt. A diabolical plot to mess with the space-time continuum and take over Tinseltown, maybe the whole damn world? I’m on the case. I might get distracted, or black out a few times, or both, but I won’t stop till I bring in these evil peckerknobs and win the heart of the femme fatale… …Sorry, blacked out there for a minute. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day—look, who’s counting? So strap in, Shortpants, it’ll be one full-throttle, mind-twisting, weirdass ride, and I got the wheel. Just hand me that bag a’ pills and that can a’ Sterno and try not to scream so damn much. —Your Pal, Nick

Genres: Humor

160 pages, Paperback

Published October 11, 2023

About the author

Conor Lastowka has written two comedy novels, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe and Gone Whalin'. He's also co-authored two anthologies of terrible Wikipedia writing, [Citation Needed] Vol. 1 & Vol. 2

He works as a Senior Writer-Producer at RiffTrax.com.

He co-hosts the podcast book club "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" with Mike Nelson.

He lives in Burlington, VT with his wife Lauren and can often be found performing at Vermont Comedy Club.

Find him on twitter @clastowka and instagram @conorlastowka

Reviews

[Marita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the guys from RiffTrax (formerly Mystery Science Theater 3000). They are hilarious and I can't get enough of their riffs. But the riffs don't work as a book. There's no cohesion to this narrative. It's more of an endless stream of consciousness from the usually unconscious Nick Nolte. Some parts were laugh-out-loud funny, but other parts tended to drag. I think the Nick Nolte bit works as a part of a riff - and the guys return to it often in their movie riffs - but a book length treatment is not the right venue.

I can imagine they had a blast writing this crazy book; it just wasn't much of a blast to read it.

[Ricardo Silkworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a long time fan of the Rifftrax crew and MST3K I was thrilled that to pick up this book and venture through the Noltre literary universe.

Like what other review said, the Rifftrax gang take turns writing chapters so the story goes all over the place. It is fun though seeing fan favorites like Joe Don Baker or Captain Coldyron have cameos. Also Duck Noltre steals the show too. Quack.

[degelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wild ride of Noltesque proportions to say the least. Each chapter is written by one of RiffTrax's head writers then handed off to the next in a relay race of, well... absolute madness. It was hard to put down, and some of the descriptions and anecdotes in this are laugh out loud funny.

Here is the first sentence where I lost it, capturing a moment where Nolte is trying to impress the femme fatale that has wandered into his detective's office (in reality a ramshackle room filled with rotten food, broken furniture and trash):

"Some would say that," I said smoothly, while reaching for the Marlboros I keep in my breast pocket. Oddly though, instead of cigarettes, my hand only met skin, chest hair, and the outer perimeter of my own nipple. It was then I remembered that I was shirtless, as three days before it had been torn from my body while I was scrounging for rebar at that collapsed bridge.

I know. WTF, Nick? This book is packed with descriptions like this, falling somewhere between deranged Mad Libs and potential Tom Waits lyrics inspired by multiple head injuries. You better prepare for plenty of references to garbage, burritos, peg legs, illegal substances and property destruction.

These guys are masters of creating unhinged monologues for their "Nick Nolte" character because they've been doing it since 2006. This is a culmination of years of fine-tuning it into an art form, with a surprising amount of celebrity cameos that you'll recognize from their MST3K days (Joe Don Baker), RiffTrax classics (Coldyron of R.O.T.O.R.) and others that make perfect sense (Gary Busey, Jake Busey, Mickey Rourke).

The only thing that's missing is an audiobook version of this tale. Although I shudder to think of how many throat lozenges Michael J. Nelson would need to read the whole thing. Probably hundreds. He might need an oxygen tank as well.