What do you think?
Rate this book
The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery
This hilarious mystery was written serially by the minds behind RiffTrax, with each writer picking up where the last left off.There’s trouble in Hollywood.
Big surprise, Sheepdip, there’s always trouble in Hollywood. But for Yours Truly, Nick Nolte, private dick, actor, entrepreneur, collector of exotic and often dangerous commodities, and People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992), Hollywood is a filthy, decaying, half-empty swimming pool, and I’m gonna dive in head-first.
Someone’s kidnapping Hollywood bigwigs? Hell, I wish I’d thought of it first. Clones runnin’ amok from Pismo to Tijuana? Sounds like fun, hand me a gun. A dame in distress willing to hire me for a sack a’ quarters? I’m in. I’ll even put on my best shirt for the job, which is easy, ’cause it’s my only shirt. A diabolical plot to mess with the space-time continuum and take over Tinseltown, maybe the whole damn world? I’m on the case. I might get distracted, or black out a few times, or both, but I won’t stop till I bring in these evil peckerknobs and win the heart of the femme fatale…
…Sorry, blacked out there for a minute. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day—look, who’s counting?
So strap in, Shortpants, it’ll be one full-throttle, mind-twisting, weirdass ride, and I got the wheel. Just hand me that bag a’ pills and that can a’ Sterno and try not to scream so damn much.
—Your Pal,
Nick
Big surprise, Sheepdip, there’s always trouble in Hollywood. But for Yours Truly, Nick Nolte, private dick, actor, entrepreneur, collector of exotic and often dangerous commodities, and People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992), Hollywood is a filthy, decaying, half-empty swimming pool, and I’m gonna dive in head-first.
Someone’s kidnapping Hollywood bigwigs? Hell, I wish I’d thought of it first. Clones runnin’ amok from Pismo to Tijuana? Sounds like fun, hand me a gun. A dame in distress willing to hire me for a sack a’ quarters? I’m in. I’ll even put on my best shirt for the job, which is easy, ’cause it’s my only shirt. A diabolical plot to mess with the space-time continuum and take over Tinseltown, maybe the whole damn world? I’m on the case. I might get distracted, or black out a few times, or both, but I won’t stop till I bring in these evil peckerknobs and win the heart of the femme fatale…
…Sorry, blacked out there for a minute. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day—look, who’s counting?
So strap in, Shortpants, it’ll be one full-throttle, mind-twisting, weirdass ride, and I got the wheel. Just hand me that bag a’ pills and that can a’ Sterno and try not to scream so damn much.
—Your Pal,
Nick
127 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 11, 2023
33 people are currently reading
27 people want to read
About the author
Conor Lastowka
8 books57 followersConor Lastowka has written two comedy novels, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe and Gone Whalin'. He's also co-authored two anthologies of terrible Wikipedia writing, [Citation Needed] Vol. 1 & Vol. 2
He works as a Senior Writer-Producer at RiffTrax.com.
He co-hosts the podcast book club "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" with Mike Nelson.
He lives in Burlington, VT with his wife Lauren and can often be found performing at Vermont Comedy Club.
Find him on twitter @clastowka and instagram @conorlastowka
He works as a Senior Writer-Producer at RiffTrax.com.
He co-hosts the podcast book club "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" with Mike Nelson.
He lives in Burlington, VT with his wife Lauren and can often be found performing at Vermont Comedy Club.
Find him on twitter @clastowka and instagram @conorlastowka
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
October 31, 2023
You've got to have a Rat Guy.
Read
November 7, 2023Let's cut to the chase. This isn't a novel. It's 152 pages of non sequitur, tag-team, dunking on Nick Nolte, 1992's Sexist Man Alive, with in-jokes only Rifftrax fans will get. I mean, Coldyron?!?
What is here is silly and mean and bafflingly granular. Ol' Nick must be the object of much affection over at Rifftrax Towers. I can only imagine that this book is the culmination of countless back-and-forths over the years relating to the entirely fictional life of an entirely fictional version of Nick Nolte left to mature into the finest of vinegars.
You will definitely need years of schooling, via commentary tracks under your belt, for this one. Also, a history of watching movies starring Nick Nolte helps too.
I read this, I enjoyed it, but I don't think the world needed it to exist.
What is here is silly and mean and bafflingly granular. Ol' Nick must be the object of much affection over at Rifftrax Towers. I can only imagine that this book is the culmination of countless back-and-forths over the years relating to the entirely fictional life of an entirely fictional version of Nick Nolte left to mature into the finest of vinegars.
You will definitely need years of schooling, via commentary tracks under your belt, for this one. Also, a history of watching movies starring Nick Nolte helps too.
I read this, I enjoyed it, but I don't think the world needed it to exist.
November 29, 2023
If you're a big fan of Rifftrax and appreciate the joke persona that Mike, Bill, and Kevin have built up for Nick Nolte over the years, this book is for you. If not then this book isn't designed to be read, in my opinion.
For what it sets out to do, it's extremely successful. It's densely written comedy that changes hands from chapter to chapter. I found the changing hands to be quite noticeable at the beginning of the novella, but as it went on, the authors' style melded and the transitions and writing styles were much smoother and more in sync.
Film references abound from the relatively mainstream (Everything, Everywhere, All at Once) to the downright obscure unless you're quite familiar with the Rifftrax catalog (more than one reference to R.O.T.O.R.). The constant depictions of the depravity of the Nolte character were downright poetic in their attempts to one-up themselves in making the gross seem actually palatable. It's a nearly-successful attempt to romanticize a hidden culture of the kind of people who would need "a rat guy".
It was a fun, short read. It should only take 3-4 hours but because it's quite dense in style (a lot of description, while easy to read, packed in to small spaces), I found it easier to read 15-20 minutes here and there and so it took me a couple of weeks. Thanks Rifftrax guys for bringing me a book that was light, silly, and gobs of fun.
For what it sets out to do, it's extremely successful. It's densely written comedy that changes hands from chapter to chapter. I found the changing hands to be quite noticeable at the beginning of the novella, but as it went on, the authors' style melded and the transitions and writing styles were much smoother and more in sync.
Film references abound from the relatively mainstream (Everything, Everywhere, All at Once) to the downright obscure unless you're quite familiar with the Rifftrax catalog (more than one reference to R.O.T.O.R.). The constant depictions of the depravity of the Nolte character were downright poetic in their attempts to one-up themselves in making the gross seem actually palatable. It's a nearly-successful attempt to romanticize a hidden culture of the kind of people who would need "a rat guy".
It was a fun, short read. It should only take 3-4 hours but because it's quite dense in style (a lot of description, while easy to read, packed in to small spaces), I found it easier to read 15-20 minutes here and there and so it took me a couple of weeks. Thanks Rifftrax guys for bringing me a book that was light, silly, and gobs of fun.
October 23, 2023
I appreciate that this book was written in a pretty uniquely improvised sort of way. Don't read it expecting a well thought out narrative - it should be understood as a vehicle for the authors to spew their endless jokes about a fairly fictionalized Nick Nolte character that they've perpetuated in small glimpses here and there throughout their Rifftrax catalogue. Think of the way Chuck Norris has taken on a sort of super-human image for the purposes of good jokes... the Nick Nolte created by Rifftrax writers is along those lines, only he's a dumpster-diving, shady-business doing, constantly blacking-out, nick-name giving has-been. These jokes within the book are clever and hilarious. It might have been equally as funny to have this book just be a list of their Nick Nolte jokes.
As a novel, I give this 2 stars. But it does include some very creative and funny content.
As a novel, I give this 2 stars. But it does include some very creative and funny content.
October 24, 2023
What's People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive™, Nick Nolte, got to do with a conspiracy to replace Hollywood's most unpredictable character actors, L.A.'s underground pegleg community, and the true parentage of Jake Busey? Wouldn't you like to know, Shasta McNasty?
Nick Nolte wakes up on the floor of his office (no surprise there) to a mystery girl who asks him to find her missing producer father. What happens next could threaten the very fabric of the Nolte-verse AND the economy of tinsel town itself! Buckle up, 8-ball!
Nick Nolte wakes up on the floor of his office (no surprise there) to a mystery girl who asks him to find her missing producer father. What happens next could threaten the very fabric of the Nolte-verse AND the economy of tinsel town itself! Buckle up, 8-ball!
January 14, 2024
Absolutely ridiculous and oh-so Rifftrax-esque. I loved it.
August 13, 2025
The hard part of writing this review is minutely detailing the calculations that resulted in a three-star rating from me: Definitely, plus one for being a quick read, and ... minus one for getting stuck on a duck and its penis and minus one for getting stuck on a rat as healthcare provider and minus one for getting stuck on peg legs and minus one for mentioning eating from a dumpster one time too many and minus one for doubling down on adolescent male ribaldry and--oh, screw it. This story would bump along at zero stars except for the fact it was written, tag-team, by creatives from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and RiffTrax, so one star, because I loved what they did to "Time Chasers" and "The Core". It seems to be some sort of writing "Yes, And" improv exercise to keep active during The Pandemic, so another star for not sharing their sourdough starter secrets with the world.
The last star I give for a personal reason (so everyone else, y'all can stop here at two) which is that this book was given to me by my brother, who used to promise that he would tag-team write with me for NaNoWriMo. We could never sustain a volley beyond a few shaky paragraphs. He always claimed I torpedoed our last effort by having a character irresistibly attracted to Eleanor Roosevelt and I countered by saying that he could not handle New Deal erotica. In the end, I believe his gift of this book was his way of saying that we were overthinking things, that if we just let MacGuffins multiply while using spellcheck and first-person stream-of-consciousness, we too could have achieved this mediocrity. That third star is for completing the task, no matter what, something that my brother and I couldn't do despite our worst effort. This book exists. Bro said that I didn't have to finish it.
I'm telling you, you don't even have to start.
The last star I give for a personal reason (so everyone else, y'all can stop here at two) which is that this book was given to me by my brother, who used to promise that he would tag-team write with me for NaNoWriMo. We could never sustain a volley beyond a few shaky paragraphs. He always claimed I torpedoed our last effort by having a character irresistibly attracted to Eleanor Roosevelt and I countered by saying that he could not handle New Deal erotica. In the end, I believe his gift of this book was his way of saying that we were overthinking things, that if we just let MacGuffins multiply while using spellcheck and first-person stream-of-consciousness, we too could have achieved this mediocrity. That third star is for completing the task, no matter what, something that my brother and I couldn't do despite our worst effort. This book exists. Bro said that I didn't have to finish it.
I'm telling you, you don't even have to start.
November 5, 2023
Has Mr. Nolte read this yet?
Folks, I have read a lot of fine literature in my day but sadly, this is not part of it. However, if you are a fan of Rifftrax there would be no better way to spend an hour or so chuckling at the adventures of many Nick Noltes and his peg leg friends. Highly recommend.
Folks, I have read a lot of fine literature in my day but sadly, this is not part of it. However, if you are a fan of Rifftrax there would be no better way to spend an hour or so chuckling at the adventures of many Nick Noltes and his peg leg friends. Highly recommend.
October 24, 2023
150 pages of a Rifftrax Nolte rant.
February 3, 2024
Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and RiffTrax are sure to recognize some of the names associated with this fantastically bizarre Hollywood mystery. Those same fans are sure to find a treasure trove of hilarious–and deeply unsettling–glimpses into the life of Mr. Nick Nolte, People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992).
Imagine, if you will, Nick Nolte decided he wasn’t going to come back from his temporary exposure to homelessness when he was preparing for the 1986 classic, Down and Out In Beverly Hills. Imagine he decided that living on the streets of Los Angeles was preferable to the lifestyle of an A-list celebrity and that life as an indigent private detective might just be the life for him. That’s where we find ourselves when we begin delving into the world this collaborative team has created for our perusal.
Studio executives are going missing…and it all has something to do with clones. But there’s no need to worry, Nick Nolte is on the case.
I don’t want to give anything away, because you need to experience this for yourself, but you’ll surely enjoy it as you stumble across a cast of characters you’re familiar with, as we traverse the underbelly of Los Angeles, searching for answers, but finding violence and betrayal…and a fair amount of lunacy.
Imagine, if you will, Nick Nolte decided he wasn’t going to come back from his temporary exposure to homelessness when he was preparing for the 1986 classic, Down and Out In Beverly Hills. Imagine he decided that living on the streets of Los Angeles was preferable to the lifestyle of an A-list celebrity and that life as an indigent private detective might just be the life for him. That’s where we find ourselves when we begin delving into the world this collaborative team has created for our perusal.
Studio executives are going missing…and it all has something to do with clones. But there’s no need to worry, Nick Nolte is on the case.
I don’t want to give anything away, because you need to experience this for yourself, but you’ll surely enjoy it as you stumble across a cast of characters you’re familiar with, as we traverse the underbelly of Los Angeles, searching for answers, but finding violence and betrayal…and a fair amount of lunacy.
June 15, 2024
I love the Rifftrax crew, so I was so excited when writing this book was announced as a Kickstarter goal for last year's live show. Oh gods was this funny. You don't need to be a Rifftrax fan to read this, but it is fun to see all the jokes and references to past material. I can't say that being in Nick Nolte's head was ever something I aspired towards, but they did a great job channeling him in this private eye mystery. I read the ebook, bought a physical copy of the book and sent it to my dad for father's day (as one does), and I cannot wait to listen to the audiobook version of this. I'm not usually an audiobook person, but I know I will love this. I honestly hope Conner, Mike, Kevin, Bill and Sean do this again. Like yearly. Let's get a whole series going. Maybe a cozy mystery next?
December 16, 2023
Man, this things goes off the rails in a hurry, but if you hold on and you love Rifftrax like I do, it's well worth the ride, hoss.
The book was written round-robin with each author taking a chapter, and that comes through in the story, but the reading experience itself was smooth and super enjoyable. It's funny and silly and it gave me exactly what I wanted from a book titled The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery.
I will say that if you're not a fan of Rifftrax and the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back, many of the jokes and references might not land (there was a Timmy Bighands refernence!). It's definitely too niche for a casual reader. But if you are a fan, it ticks off all the boxes nicely.
The book was written round-robin with each author taking a chapter, and that comes through in the story, but the reading experience itself was smooth and super enjoyable. It's funny and silly and it gave me exactly what I wanted from a book titled The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery.
I will say that if you're not a fan of Rifftrax and the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back, many of the jokes and references might not land (there was a Timmy Bighands refernence!). It's definitely too niche for a casual reader. But if you are a fan, it ticks off all the boxes nicely.
May 13, 2024
It's the kind of thing you'll like, if you like this kind of thing. Kind of a IYKYK sorta book. Yes, it's serially written by a bunch of guys who sit around making fun of bad movies. No, it's not really a cogent, thoughtful piece. Yes, there are some inside jokes. No, you really don't need the formal education in duck penises that this book will give you. But, yes, it's hilarious. In that respect it checked all of the boxes it set out to check. Mission accomplished.
Do I recommend it? I found it hilarious, but, again, it's the kind of thing you'll like if you like this kind of thing. Otherwise, steer clear. Like you might steer clear of Golden Corral. ;)
Do I recommend it? I found it hilarious, but, again, it's the kind of thing you'll like if you like this kind of thing. Otherwise, steer clear. Like you might steer clear of Golden Corral. ;)
January 19, 2024
No one is a bigger fan of Riffrax and MST3K than I am, and my husband seems to resent this fact a little bit as I invariably suggest watching a riffed movie any time we have a free evening and want to watch a movie together.
I laughed out loud at some of the jokes, and I could hear Mike's Nolte voice while reading. But if you want a cohesive and well-told story that makes sense, this book isn't for you. It's a crazy rollercoaster of a story and it is very hard to follow. This book is only for super fans who can forgive the flaws but want to support this team of hilarious people.
I laughed out loud at some of the jokes, and I could hear Mike's Nolte voice while reading. But if you want a cohesive and well-told story that makes sense, this book isn't for you. It's a crazy rollercoaster of a story and it is very hard to follow. This book is only for super fans who can forgive the flaws but want to support this team of hilarious people.
January 18, 2024
I love Rifftrax and there’s always a Nick Nolte reference in their hilarious commentary. This book was insane and hard to follow at times but nonetheless fun to read. I like the rat guy bit and the dialogue at the end was really funny. If you’re a mst3k or Rifftrax fan give it a read.
October 31, 2023
This story made no sense, but any fans of Rifftrax will probably enjoy it anyway. The writing can be very entertaining. I don't regret buying it.
November 5, 2023
Enjoying this book definitely benefits from a familiarity with Rifftrax and/or 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back. And why wouldn't you be familiar with those things? They're wonderful.
November 8, 2023
This was definitely a book. Words forming sentences forming paragraphs, that’s for sure, Sizzle Lean.
February 28, 2024
This is only funny if you’re a Rifftrax nerd. If you are one, and I am, it’s best if you read it aloud in your best Nolte voice. Here’s to hoping Mike Nelson reads the audiobook someday.
April 1, 2024
DO NOT HONOR THEIR TYRE WARRANTIES!
April 15, 2024
After 92 pages I couldn't take it anymore.
Read
May 11, 2024Might be good as an audiobook, but as a read it is totally incoherent.
June 12, 2024
The best way to describe this book is a comedic fever dream for a very niche audience.
July 10, 2025
I got about 20 pages from the ending before I just couldn't finish it. This really needed an editor, and the premise gets stretched thin pretty quickly. It's funny at first.
December 24, 2025
only die hard rifftrax fans will enjoy this. I am that person so I enjoyed it!
Read
June 18, 2024(Donald and I read this together to fill in gaps between 372-Pages podcast episodes.)
This is one crazy ride. I can recommend it for hardcore Rifftrax fans, but if someone unfamiliar with Rifftrax were to read it, they'd be baffled. Considering that it wasn't really planned out like a normal novel—and that it was passed along from author to author, chapter by chapter—I don't think it would be fair to critique the plot as I would with a typical book. There were some laugh-out-loud moments, and I think that's the most you can ask of something that's essentially a strange writing experiment.
I do wish there were some sort of key or something at the end to indicate which person wrote which chapters. We speculated about that as we read and would've been interested to check the accuracy of our guesses.
This is one crazy ride. I can recommend it for hardcore Rifftrax fans, but if someone unfamiliar with Rifftrax were to read it, they'd be baffled. Considering that it wasn't really planned out like a normal novel—and that it was passed along from author to author, chapter by chapter—I don't think it would be fair to critique the plot as I would with a typical book. There were some laugh-out-loud moments, and I think that's the most you can ask of something that's essentially a strange writing experiment.
I do wish there were some sort of key or something at the end to indicate which person wrote which chapters. We speculated about that as we read and would've been interested to check the accuracy of our guesses.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews