Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch

by Shaley Howard

As a young child, in many ways, Shaley didn’t stand a chance. Growing up as a closeted lesbian in the 1970’s, in a dysfunctional family with an often mentally unstable mother, the only thing on her mind was survival. Turning to alcohol and drugs at an early age, she thought she’d found the perfect escape from the shame of being gay and her mother’s erratic emotional roller-coaster ride.

Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch , is a story of the outsider. It’s about what it means to be marginalized, the journey of overcoming and enduring the agony of addiction and how even in our darkest times, we can still find levity, laughter and hope.



"Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch arrives at the perfect time in our history. The details shared describe experiences many of us can relate to and gain power in feeling seen and thus, understood. Finding strength through struggle isn’t easy and Shaley’s ability to guide us through her experiences with thoughtfulness, transparency, accountability and humor make this not only an enjoyable read, but an important one. While the journey to fully embrace who we are can be arduous, sharing her story will certainly make it easier for others." -Kevin Cook/Poison Waters of Darcelle XV


"Shaley Howard excels at telling her own story of being closeted and addicted, offering hard truths along with a healthy dose of humor. She reminds us that even in the grip of life’s toughest moments, we can still laugh, and find it in ourselves to come back to the life we deserve to live." -Whitney Otto, Bestselling Author of How to Make an American Quilt

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT

242 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 11, 2023

About the author

Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch
2025 FINALIST INDIE BOOK AWARD FOR LGBTQ+ NON-FICTION
2024 FINALIST IAN BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARDS LGBTQ+ NON-FICTION
2024 WINNER IPPY SILVER AWARD FOR BEST NON-FICTION AUDIO BOOK

Shaley Howard is a small business owner, an activist and award-winning author. Her memoir, Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch received the IPPY Silver Award and IAN Finalist Award for LGBTQ+ Non-fiction. She recently published her second book, the GenX Latchkey Kid Recipe and Activity Guidebook: For a generation that had no guidelines. Her articles have appeared in HuffPost, Curve, The Advocate, Tagg, DIVA, and SF Bay Area Reporter. She was named one of GO Magazine's “100 Women We Love”, featured on the cover of the Female CEO Magazine, and the recipient of Portland’s Q-Center’s Shine “Quasar” award, for outstanding community involvement. Born and raised in Portland Oregon, she absolutely loves the PNW, traveling, and hiking with her adorable pup Porkchop.

Reviews

[Dennie Martincic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaley Howard finally seen!

This book felt very personal for me as Shaley was part of my girls lives in their middle school and high years. I agonized over her fear and pain as I read and felt sad that we Never saw any of it. She has always been a happy and very funny friend to our family and I'm sooo proud to know and love her. Thank u Shaley for all that u are!

[Cynthia Billings · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch is a soul stirring narrative that addresses many facets of growing up in the 70's. Shaley shares her deeply personal experiences with us that include the struggles with being a closeted lesbian, drug and alcohol addictions and surviving a troubled childhood. Her story is told in a relatable way, with hope, humor and growth. It is a journey that reaches out to all of us and provides a deeper understanding of personal and societal issues and gives us the much needed inspiration to deal with and overcome these challenges. I strongly recommend this as a read for everyone.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a dark story, that was luckily also filled with light and hope. I loved the ending, where it connected to the younger generation nowadays, where there is still bullying and misgendering, but children do usually know how they identify and they can look for role models, as opposed to the environment in which the author grew up a few decades earlier, where she could not have imagined growing up happy as a lesbian. 

[Kitty Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Addiction and identity are bound together in this raw and beautifully honest memoir EXCUSE ME, SIR by @adventuresofabutchdogwalker
Really powerful stuff.

One of the wonderful things about social media is 'meeting' new people we might not otherwise run into in real life - it makes the world a smaller and more interesting place and in a time of such fear, it's lovely to feel the strength of connection and community through books and art.

Queer memoirs are an ESSENTIAL part of our literary landscape. We need our stories and our histories recorded and honoured or our voices become silenced.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I added this book to my list after reading an article by the author that is a passage from the closing chapter of this book. While the last couple chapters discuss how Howard navigates the world as a butch woman, the majority of the book is a memoir of Howard's experience using alcohol and opioids to deal with the pain of being closeted for much of her life and having an emotionally volatile mother.

I might have enjoyed this more if it had been an audiobook because the book was in need of a good copyedit, which distracted me somewhat from reading it, and also Howard's humor didn't always land for me — perhaps the many puns and sarcasm would have been more entertaining in her voice. This would have been less of an issue if the story had been uniquely compelling, but as Howard herself notes, stories of alcohol and drug addiction, childhood trauma, and spending years in the closet are nothing new, and there wasn't a lot in her story that I hadn't heard before. That is not to say that her personal story isn't important or that her trajectory of healing isn't worth honoring, only that I don't feel a strong drive to recommend this memoir over others that deal with similar topics and have more polished writing.

On the topic of being a butch woman who is constantly misgendered (which I can personally relate to), I appreciated Howard's reflections on how she handles that, but I was disappointed that she didn't grapple more with the complexities of asserting her female identity. For example, she tells the story of a deli counter attendant who called her "sir" and another customer who speaks up to say, "This is not a 'sir.' This is a woman." Howard reflects with gratitude on this woman and speculates on what might have caused her to speak up for another person like this. But I wonder if it occurred to her what it might feel like for a trans man to have someone finally call him "sir" only to have the customer behind him pipe up and say, "This is a woman." Because in reality, how did that other customer know how Howard identified? She didn't. Howard also continually expects those who call her "sir" to correct their mistake upon seeing her more closely, which again assumes you can tell someone's gender identity just by looking at them. I would have appreciated more nuanced reflections on this topic when sharing her own experiences.

[Judy Todd]

A romp of a read. Shaley's enthusiasm for adventure and for life fairly leaps off the page. Of course being sober and in her life now-hale, healthy and happy- made me breathe better, knowing she has made it through a frighteningly ‘too real for too many’ journey.
I am glad her life is a powerful testament to recovery! And a reminder to us all to lend a hand, heart, and ear to our sisters all.

[Lynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Shaley made me laugh and sometimes cry for her. It reinforces the idea that you never know what someone else is dealing with.

[Joseph Marrone · Rating 5 out of 5]

We formerly had Shaley as a dog walker for our pup for several years. Even with that somewhat shallow interaction, we appreciated her warmth, sense of humor, and reliability (as it turns out from reading her memoir the last trait not always evident in her youth). But the fact that our dog liked her counted for a lot too as I trust canine opinions about people's trustworthiness, as much or more than human ones. While we have not needed her services recently we have kept in touch through her blogging and local PR of her many charitable activities. The book itself is a fine read. I usually avoid reading memoirs of any living person, especially one in the prime of life like you but made an exception in your case. I appreciated the honesty and depth of feeling and humor ( the story about her client Mary in one of the chapters is worth the price of the book by itself). Her ability to critique and analyze her own behavior within the text is admirable. Even though it presents a specific tale of coming to grips with one's sexuality, alcoholism, drug addiction, and familial dysfunction much of the message is universal about resilience and personal growth, regardless of the issues one faces in life. I highly recommend as both a informative and enjoyable reading experience.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The pressure to be “normal,” and by that I mean normatively gendered and straight, can be completely overwhelming for kids who perceive their difference, as Shaley Howard’s memoir deftly reveals. Shaley recognized that she was a lesbian early on. And not just a lesbian, but a butch lesbian. She describes the bullying, both explicit and subtle, that she endured as a kid. My favorite line: “I was living in a gay version of the Salem Witch Trials.” And just like at Salem, where the surest way to avoid an accusation of witchcraft was to accuse someone else, Shaley heartbreakingly details how she tried to keep up the straight girl facade, often leaning into the homophobic slurs that surrounded her daily. Happily, after years of struggle, including drug and alcohol addiction and recovery, she embraces all aspects of her authentic butch self, much to the reader’s delight.

[Kallie SwansonThomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve been thinking a lot about this book since I finished it. Part of the Amazon synopsis describes it as a story about coming out and drug addiction — and yes, it absolutely is. But it’s also about so much more.
Anyone who grew up in the ’70s and ’80s will likely recognize the experiences Shaley Howard describes. Like the author, I grew up in Oregon, and many of the moments she shares felt like they came straight from my own memories — especially the painful reality of hearing people who didn’t fit the mold being called derogatory names simply for being different.
This book is raw, real, and incredibly brave. Howard’s willingness to open up about her journey is powerful, and I believe her honesty can help others feel less alone as they navigate their own paths.
Highly recommend — once I started reading, I found it hard to put down.

[Claire Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaley Howard has written an entertaining, upbeat and funny book.
“Excuse Me, Sir! Memoirs of a Butch” is about the authors’ life growing up as a closeted butch lesbian in Portland, Oregon during the 1980s and 1990s. Shaley is an engaging storyteller, leading us through the oftentimes challenging path of her life. She grew up in up in a fractured family to living a painful and awkward life as a closeted lesbian for many years, to two bouts with addiction—first to alcohol, then several years later, to pain pills. Oh, did I mention the book is funny?
If I seem to be harping on the latter point, it’s because I came away with the strong sense that the author might not have survived these ordeals to reach the midpoint of life, let alone thrive without a robust sense of humor that she’s unafraid of turning on herself. Thrive she has, running a successful business, contributing to the community in a variety of ways, and serving as a role model and mentor to countless young LGBTQ youth.
Spend a few hours with Shaley Howard. I guarantee you’ll be entertained and uplifted. One thing you won’t be is disappointed.

[Audrey Babcock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Howard's memoir, “Excuse me Sir! Memoir of a Butch” is a page turning, heart wrenching, cup filling, laugh out loud, tear inducing, Shero’s journey. She details with depth and hilarity the complexities of her addictions, the whirlpool of shame strains and veritable blanket of fear keeping her closeted for two decades, finding her way within a family of origin lead by a self-obsessed and drenched in sadness mother who was also just doing her best as a “successful" female product of the Patriarchy of the 1950s – this memoir is a testament to the human spirit that in midlife, yes that’s right, at age 40 – we can begin again and not just survive, but thrive.

[Chantal Zinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch is a stunning and riveting exploration of personal transformation. Shaley weaves together a heartfelt reflection with vivid storytelling, inviting readers into her inner world with raw honesty and grace. Each page offers thoughtful insights into the complexities of identity, resilience, and healing. Shaley's memoir leaves a lasting impact, not just for its beautiful prose but for its ability to resonate on a deeply human level. A powerful and unforgettable read.

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaley is an inspiration and this book provides a great reminder that we can all transcend our wounds.

[Candace · Rating 4 out of 5]

The autobiography of a butch lesbian woman that recounts her upbringing and experiences with addiction.

[Trish]

I lost the book before I finished it.

[Leah Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

When a friend says they're writing a book, it's terrifying because you might have to lie and tell them it was really good, when actually it was crap. Luckily, my friend Shaley is not only a good writer, but an honest and witty storyteller. I thoroughly enjoyed reading her memoir. While we have little in common, her story was remarkably relatable and I now have even more admiration for this beautiful human in my life who gives me and so many others hope for a better world. I feel privileged to know her. She's brave, she's charismatic, she's inspiring. My only complaint is that it was over too quickly. I haven't read a book that fast in a long time.