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It’s Them, Not You: How to Break Free from Toxic Parents and Reclaim Your Story
'Blood is thicker than water''You'll miss them when they're gone''You can't choose your family'How many times have you heard that family is sacred, even when your reality is different? It's Them, Not You smashes the false narrative that family is everything.Equipping you with a deeper understanding of toxic family dynamics, resilience and wellbeing coach Josh Connolly will validate your experience and provide the tools you need to deal with emotionally immature parents and family members.It's Them, Not You offers a pathway to heal your inner child and break free from the traumas of the past. Whether your solution is to go 'no contact', place new boundaries or reconnect with community, this book is the ultimate handbook to help get unstuck and heal from the strongest wounds.
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
230 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 11, 2024
40 people are currently reading
176 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
August 27, 2024
A very good self help book for those who are struggling to deal with toxic parent/s. At the start this invoked a lot of repressed feelings and I often had to stop as I would cry. As time went on this got easier to hear and became more about your inner battle and accepting yourself, what has happened to you and that you don't have a perfect parent/s.
It explains very well the different types of toxicity in parenting, and I think its a good one for actual parents to read also. It's a retrospective developmental book that has a lot of food for thought.
For those seeking solutions it's not that kind of book but more for support, acceptance and guidance on how to deal with having one. I am myself going through a battle with myself on what to do with the relationship with my toxic parent and I will be buying the hard copy of the book to do the breathwork and exercises to help me reach a conclusion.
A great, insightful and respectful read for all ages!
It explains very well the different types of toxicity in parenting, and I think its a good one for actual parents to read also. It's a retrospective developmental book that has a lot of food for thought.
For those seeking solutions it's not that kind of book but more for support, acceptance and guidance on how to deal with having one. I am myself going through a battle with myself on what to do with the relationship with my toxic parent and I will be buying the hard copy of the book to do the breathwork and exercises to help me reach a conclusion.
A great, insightful and respectful read for all ages!
September 24, 2024
A good well meaning book written by someone who has himself survived toxic parenting. Lots of patterns of behaviour here that may be evident in your own experience.
Bearing in mind that toxic parenting can most often be the result of toxic parenting and a cycle that has to be broken, I found myself examining my own parenting to try and resolve what may be nature or nurture aspects to my approach and to try and guard against behaviour that might affect my own adult children.
Not all the anxieties and difficulties experienced by children are the result of their parents’ behaviour but it’s good to be sure you aren’t making obvious mistakes.
I know friends who regret their own performance as a parent so maybe this is a book not just for those who are dealing with toxic parents or their legacy but also parents or potential parents themselves. Either way an easy read and lots of advice on therapy.
Bearing in mind that toxic parenting can most often be the result of toxic parenting and a cycle that has to be broken, I found myself examining my own parenting to try and resolve what may be nature or nurture aspects to my approach and to try and guard against behaviour that might affect my own adult children.
Not all the anxieties and difficulties experienced by children are the result of their parents’ behaviour but it’s good to be sure you aren’t making obvious mistakes.
I know friends who regret their own performance as a parent so maybe this is a book not just for those who are dealing with toxic parents or their legacy but also parents or potential parents themselves. Either way an easy read and lots of advice on therapy.
dnfed
November 20, 2024Harsh to say I DNFed this as I read most of it, I just skipped some chapters
This book offered the reassurance I needed & it made me feel seen & understood. However, I would exercise some caution. Yes, there's some behaviour that is genuinely toxic & I saw it reflected in my own experiences, but I felt like at times, this book could easily make you too jaded. I want to know that I’m not the only one who had these issues, but I didn’t want to be questioning everything the parent did. If they randomly messaged me with a meme/quote about loving a child, or a parent, or whatever, I didn’t want to automatically class it as them being manipulative, playing victim, or whatever else. Sometimes, yes it can be that, but I think this book could make you question your parents motives too much.
Just follow your gut!
This book offered the reassurance I needed & it made me feel seen & understood. However, I would exercise some caution. Yes, there's some behaviour that is genuinely toxic & I saw it reflected in my own experiences, but I felt like at times, this book could easily make you too jaded. I want to know that I’m not the only one who had these issues, but I didn’t want to be questioning everything the parent did. If they randomly messaged me with a meme/quote about loving a child, or a parent, or whatever, I didn’t want to automatically class it as them being manipulative, playing victim, or whatever else. Sometimes, yes it can be that, but I think this book could make you question your parents motives too much.
Just follow your gut!
February 21, 2025
I’ve read a lot of self help books in the past decade of my life but this one is different. It approached topics like the inner critic and self sabotage as working WITH them instead of removing them. The presentation of information is not fluffy and sugar coated like most books I have read in this genre and it was refreshing! The exercises and journal prompts are powerfully triggering (for me at least) but so helpful. 😮💨 This book was hard for me to get through and some sections were repetitive. Thank you to NetGalley for this ARC. This book also contains link to YouTube videos which I wasn’t expecting and didn’t particularly care for.
(TW: alcohol addiction, suicide ideation)
This sentence connected the all dots for me: “By discovering clear patterns in your behavior, this powerful practice helped you to see that, despite doing some bad things, you are not a bad person.” 🤍
(TW: alcohol addiction, suicide ideation)
This sentence connected the all dots for me: “By discovering clear patterns in your behavior, this powerful practice helped you to see that, despite doing some bad things, you are not a bad person.” 🤍
March 18, 2025
I wish to express my profound gratitude towards NetGalley and Zeitgeist for providing this fabulous work. Thank you!
What I like:
• Right at the start I was given a huge burst of power, suggesting that there is always hope:
„Picking up this book is the first, most important and perhaps the hardest step in your life, as you discover that you have the power to truly break free from your toxic parent and reclaim your story.”
• Right at the start it’s described that a person who grows up in the shadow of toxic parents, and later on has certain difficulties in life is not sick:
„YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE “FIXED.” I adore this.
• The author introduces himself in the beginning, and although many examples will be presented through him later on, this is not burdening in the least. Even during these sequences, he’s very supportive and gentle. Everything he says is realistic and gives you strength and power. Not even once did I feel looked down. He says that all survivors are strong and brave and should be proud of themselves for starting this journey.
„What you need to do is to stop abandoning yourself to protect the family dysfunction. It’s time to stop making excuses for all the things that weren’t right in your relationships as you were growing up, and those that still aren’t right now that you’re an adult. This is where you will find the truest
understanding of yourself. And then once you know how your past informs you, you can truly begin to champion your future self.”
• He explains what a toxic parent means, how they are, what kind of tools they use to hurt you (gaslighting, emotional neglect, toxic positivity, jealousy, etc).
• It’s a supportive and down-to-earth guide for healing and understanding our relationships in a dysfunctional family.
• He tries to demolish all the wrong beliefs concerning parents and family (You can’t be angry with your parent, every parent wants you the best. etc), and encourages us to take back control over our lives.
• He helps us to truly accept ourselves and process all the pain of our inner child, in order to become our true self. The book contains a guideline on how to process our past traumas and heal from them.
• It’s not triggering at all.
• The book has many journaling prompts.
• How the importance of focusing on the present moment is described, because being struck in the past too much might be harmful.
• Every chapter ends with a QR code leading to a recording in which the author himself talks to you in a pleasant voice. The recording is easily audible and clear. These videos are invaluable.
• Most useful and validating book I've ever read!
Negatives: I couldn’t find one.😊 Recommended to anyone who had to grow up beside a toxic parent.
What I like:
• Right at the start I was given a huge burst of power, suggesting that there is always hope:
„Picking up this book is the first, most important and perhaps the hardest step in your life, as you discover that you have the power to truly break free from your toxic parent and reclaim your story.”
• Right at the start it’s described that a person who grows up in the shadow of toxic parents, and later on has certain difficulties in life is not sick:
„YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE “FIXED.” I adore this.
• The author introduces himself in the beginning, and although many examples will be presented through him later on, this is not burdening in the least. Even during these sequences, he’s very supportive and gentle. Everything he says is realistic and gives you strength and power. Not even once did I feel looked down. He says that all survivors are strong and brave and should be proud of themselves for starting this journey.
„What you need to do is to stop abandoning yourself to protect the family dysfunction. It’s time to stop making excuses for all the things that weren’t right in your relationships as you were growing up, and those that still aren’t right now that you’re an adult. This is where you will find the truest
understanding of yourself. And then once you know how your past informs you, you can truly begin to champion your future self.”
• He explains what a toxic parent means, how they are, what kind of tools they use to hurt you (gaslighting, emotional neglect, toxic positivity, jealousy, etc).
• It’s a supportive and down-to-earth guide for healing and understanding our relationships in a dysfunctional family.
• He tries to demolish all the wrong beliefs concerning parents and family (You can’t be angry with your parent, every parent wants you the best. etc), and encourages us to take back control over our lives.
• He helps us to truly accept ourselves and process all the pain of our inner child, in order to become our true self. The book contains a guideline on how to process our past traumas and heal from them.
• It’s not triggering at all.
• The book has many journaling prompts.
• How the importance of focusing on the present moment is described, because being struck in the past too much might be harmful.
• Every chapter ends with a QR code leading to a recording in which the author himself talks to you in a pleasant voice. The recording is easily audible and clear. These videos are invaluable.
• Most useful and validating book I've ever read!
Negatives: I couldn’t find one.😊 Recommended to anyone who had to grow up beside a toxic parent.
July 10, 2025
In his work "It's Them, Not You", Josh Connolly recounts growing up with an alcoholic father and a passive mother and how his dysfunctional childhood led to his struggling in adulthood. These days, he coaches people like himself on how to heal from toxic parents.
The author stated, multiple times, that toxic parents appear to be following the same playbook and eerily enough, I found that to be accurate. If I didn't know any better I would say that Josh Connolly has almost certainly met my mother.
For the first time, I felt really heard and was shocked at how predictable some of my mother's behaviour really is. The author nailed every toxic aspect - even down to sending a letter every Christmas in order to manipulate - as well as being religious and highly regarded in her community - and turning into a different person behind closed doors. I've learned about what a "smear campaign" is and why I've automatically been isolating from anyone in her vicinity, assuming their view of me has already been tainted without even meeting me. I wasn't aware that other people have also had similar experiences.
The book comes from a place of kindness and non-judgement, which is a relief to anyone that has been struggling with a toxic parent and has been harsh to themselves for far too long. There is no gaslighting in this book, I promise.
I found it particularly helpful to learn about the three states - relaxed, stressed and in survival mode - and why I have a hard time relaxing- the author accurately described that I am someone who associates a quiet period of non-activity with danger. I had never realised, before reading this book, that I had all but severed the connection between my body and mind, having only lived in my head for at least the past two decades.
I'd endured a lot of therapy in the past and can honestly say none of it was even remotely as insightful as this book has been.
The first third of the book was revolutionary to me and I started to see some things through fresh eyes. As for the rest, I thought the breathing exercises and relating to your inner child were a bit silly. Maybe I am too jaded or cynical, or maybe I just don't want to mentally go there. There were also some repetitive bits that a good editor should have spotted, making some parts quite redundant.
Altogether, this book is well worth purchasing if you cannot afford therapy. I thought it was more aimed at men, however that's just my opinion, so don't let that deter you if you're a woman.
The author stated, multiple times, that toxic parents appear to be following the same playbook and eerily enough, I found that to be accurate. If I didn't know any better I would say that Josh Connolly has almost certainly met my mother.
For the first time, I felt really heard and was shocked at how predictable some of my mother's behaviour really is. The author nailed every toxic aspect - even down to sending a letter every Christmas in order to manipulate - as well as being religious and highly regarded in her community - and turning into a different person behind closed doors. I've learned about what a "smear campaign" is and why I've automatically been isolating from anyone in her vicinity, assuming their view of me has already been tainted without even meeting me. I wasn't aware that other people have also had similar experiences.
The book comes from a place of kindness and non-judgement, which is a relief to anyone that has been struggling with a toxic parent and has been harsh to themselves for far too long. There is no gaslighting in this book, I promise.
I found it particularly helpful to learn about the three states - relaxed, stressed and in survival mode - and why I have a hard time relaxing- the author accurately described that I am someone who associates a quiet period of non-activity with danger. I had never realised, before reading this book, that I had all but severed the connection between my body and mind, having only lived in my head for at least the past two decades.
I'd endured a lot of therapy in the past and can honestly say none of it was even remotely as insightful as this book has been.
The first third of the book was revolutionary to me and I started to see some things through fresh eyes. As for the rest, I thought the breathing exercises and relating to your inner child were a bit silly. Maybe I am too jaded or cynical, or maybe I just don't want to mentally go there. There were also some repetitive bits that a good editor should have spotted, making some parts quite redundant.
Altogether, this book is well worth purchasing if you cannot afford therapy. I thought it was more aimed at men, however that's just my opinion, so don't let that deter you if you're a woman.
June 19, 2025
Thank you to Zeitgeist for providing an ARC in exchange for this honest review.
It really doesn't happen to me often, but I honestly DNF'd this book. I read a lot of books within this realm, so my inability to finish this was not out of lack of interest on my part. As I read the first few chapters and skimmed the rest, I realized that I didn't engage well with this material because it felt very obvious to me that it was written 1) by a wellness influencer without a formalized background on the subject and thus only approached from a subjective lens and 2) so generally by using the terminology of "toxic" that it quite literally could apply to every single parent on the planet.
I have my own personal vendetta against the weaponization of therapy speak and the blanket usage of terminology to describe a person's identity rather than behavior. I don't understand the utility of calling someone "a toxic person" because doing so neither gives clear insight on who that person is nor gives that person any agency in regards to defending themselves from the accusation. (In fact, trying to push back against being labeled as such would likely end up with the accuser further claiming that the "toxic person" is also defensive, combative, and/or aggressive for simply disagreeing with how they are being labeled.)
If you've never read a self-help book -- particularly one about the actions or behaviors of parents -- there is a chance this book might hold some value regarding helping explore further investigation into a pattern of behavior in your relationship with your parents. Otherwise, I'd instead recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents as a generic and non-diagnosis-focused book to start from.
It really doesn't happen to me often, but I honestly DNF'd this book. I read a lot of books within this realm, so my inability to finish this was not out of lack of interest on my part. As I read the first few chapters and skimmed the rest, I realized that I didn't engage well with this material because it felt very obvious to me that it was written 1) by a wellness influencer without a formalized background on the subject and thus only approached from a subjective lens and 2) so generally by using the terminology of "toxic" that it quite literally could apply to every single parent on the planet.
I have my own personal vendetta against the weaponization of therapy speak and the blanket usage of terminology to describe a person's identity rather than behavior. I don't understand the utility of calling someone "a toxic person" because doing so neither gives clear insight on who that person is nor gives that person any agency in regards to defending themselves from the accusation. (In fact, trying to push back against being labeled as such would likely end up with the accuser further claiming that the "toxic person" is also defensive, combative, and/or aggressive for simply disagreeing with how they are being labeled.)
If you've never read a self-help book -- particularly one about the actions or behaviors of parents -- there is a chance this book might hold some value regarding helping explore further investigation into a pattern of behavior in your relationship with your parents. Otherwise, I'd instead recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents as a generic and non-diagnosis-focused book to start from.
April 5, 2025
I started reading this book back in 2024 at the end of summer. This book really hit home for me.
There was multply times i have to put it down for days, even weeks because it was so much to take in and realize all your life that you are not fucking crazy after all.
The more I read, the more flashbacks of horrible stuff that has happened I have experienced or seen, and I was in tears with some things that still haunt me.
Having a young son, I just thought of him as myself and how I'd feel if he was treated toxic like this made me sick.
And since he was born, I do anything to ensure he feels safe &loved and never to feel alone in life, to be approachable to talk t about anything.
My sibling said to me one day that we are the people now we needed growing up to (protect us, stand up for ourselfs)
There are multiple breath work exercises I have done a good few of them all but I couldn't do the letter to my younger self tbh but this book has cleared up so many things not only with just toxic parent/s but also in work relationships I had a hard time in one job where I had a toxic boss, also i was in a bad relationship with very controlling partner.
This is an excellent self-help book, and multiple descriptions of different traits of a toxic person are spot on.
This book helps you connect with your inner child and yourself, helping you to accept this and try move on, most Importantly it's not YOU.
I will definitely be keeping this book, and re reading it alot more times.
An outstanding 5 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
There was multply times i have to put it down for days, even weeks because it was so much to take in and realize all your life that you are not fucking crazy after all.
The more I read, the more flashbacks of horrible stuff that has happened I have experienced or seen, and I was in tears with some things that still haunt me.
Having a young son, I just thought of him as myself and how I'd feel if he was treated toxic like this made me sick.
And since he was born, I do anything to ensure he feels safe &loved and never to feel alone in life, to be approachable to talk t about anything.
My sibling said to me one day that we are the people now we needed growing up to (protect us, stand up for ourselfs)
There are multiple breath work exercises I have done a good few of them all but I couldn't do the letter to my younger self tbh but this book has cleared up so many things not only with just toxic parent/s but also in work relationships I had a hard time in one job where I had a toxic boss, also i was in a bad relationship with very controlling partner.
This is an excellent self-help book, and multiple descriptions of different traits of a toxic person are spot on.
This book helps you connect with your inner child and yourself, helping you to accept this and try move on, most Importantly it's not YOU.
I will definitely be keeping this book, and re reading it alot more times.
An outstanding 5 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
March 10, 2025
I found this book to be really interesting because instead of approaching the topic with a lot of research, it's more action-based. There are lots of journal prompts and different therapy techniques to try out. I was also really interested in the fact that Connolly uses a lot of breathwork methods to cope with the trauma of having a toxic parent. Connolly also uses some strategies from IFS work, which I always find to be super helpful. His writing is straight-forward and very authentic (since he uses a lot of real-life examples from his personal experience), and I think a lot of people could find this book very useful and a tool for healing. The only downside is that there seems to be a bit of repetition, especially in recapping information that's already been shared. But, overall, I'm really glad I picked this one up.
Free ARC provided by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
Free ARC provided by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
May 7, 2025
Great book for a self-therapy/healing approach for those whom have experienced (trauma-based/toxic) difficulties with their parents and other guardians. The author’s blunt honesty and tone is refreshing and offers the reader a great deal of understanding.
That being said, I’d recommend partnering it with ACTUAL therapy, as the underlying tone of this book could be perceived quite negatively if/when not used with discernment —hence why I knocked off 1 star.
The meditations and added activities are a great tool, too. I have and will continue to recommend this to my clients as a part of my therapy practice to those whom it may apply for.
That being said, I’d recommend partnering it with ACTUAL therapy, as the underlying tone of this book could be perceived quite negatively if/when not used with discernment —hence why I knocked off 1 star.
The meditations and added activities are a great tool, too. I have and will continue to recommend this to my clients as a part of my therapy practice to those whom it may apply for.
July 26, 2024
I went to a talk that Josh did recently for his book tour and was so intrigued to read his book. It did not disappoint. Really insightful reading. Focuses on lots of inner child work and breathing techniques. Can elicit some strong reactions at times and can be very confronting.
August 1, 2024
Really enjoyed this book and found it insightful and it resonated. I am yet to do the exercises but I will get to that ....
May 4, 2025
Transformative. A book with real tools on dealing with toxic parents. Understanding. Feels like a friend who really knows you is talking to you.
July 22, 2025
Sadly not for me. Went into a lot of “you probably behave this way” and I don’t. I wanted more tips on dealing with the narc.
July 23, 2025
This book gave me alot of insight into my role growing up and why I struggle with the things I do now because of it. I'm definitely no where close to where I need to be with the healing process and this book really helped me realize that.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews