The Grief Cure: Looking for the End of Loss

by Cody Delistraty

In this lyrical and moving story of the world of Prolonged Grief, culture writer Cody Delistraty reflects on his experience with loss and explores what modern science, history, and literature reveal about the nature of our relationship to grief and our changing attitudes toward its cure. When Cody Delistraty lost his mother to cancer in his early 20s, he found himself unsure how to move forward. Planning for her recovery, he and his family had a purpose. But after she was gone, there seemed to exist only the empty advice on move through the five stages, achieve closure, get back to work, go back to normal. So begins a journey into the new frontiers of grief, where Delistraty seeks out the researchers, technologists, therapists, marketers, and communities around the world looking to cure the pain of loss in novel ways. From the neuroscience of memory deletion to book prescriptions, laughter therapy, psilocybin, and Breakup Bootcamp, what ultimately emerges is not so much a cure as a fresh understanding of what living with grief truly means.   As Delistraty followed the blueprint of his own ad hoc treatment plan, the question of whether the most painful kind of grief can and should be cured had also been taken up by the American Psychiatry Association, as they recently gave extended, intense, disruptive grief an official Prolonged Grief Disorder. Stamping this kind of grief with a diagnosis has opened innovative avenues of treatment and an important conversation about a debilitating form of grief, but it also raises the question of whether grief, no matter how severe, is best treated medically at all?   Rigorously researched and beautifully written,  The Grief Cure  is a moving and eye-opening chronicle of a new diagnosis and a wide-ranging cultural history of grief of all sorts as a human rite. Braiding deep, emotional resonance with sharp research and historical insight, Delistraty places his own experience in dialogue with great writers and thinkers throughout history who have puzzled over this eternal how might we best face loss?

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Memoir

208 pages, Hardcover

Published June 25, 2024

About the author

Cody Delistraty is a journalist and speechwriter in New York City. He has written reported stories, profiles and essays for The New York Times, The New Yorker and The Atlantic, among many others. He has served as culture editor at The Wall Street Journal‘s magazine, the European arts columnist for The Paris Review, and as features editor of the Paris-based magazine Mastermind.

He holds degrees in history and politics from NYU and Oxford. British Vogue named him one of the best young writers of the year.

Reviews

[Marne - Reader By the Water · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to Harper for the finished copy of this moving and wonderful book. (You were right, @samlubash; it resonated with me. Thank you for offering it.)

“Some grief doesn’t relent. Some grief does not evolve. Some grief is daily, acute, life-changing. And few, it felt to me, were giving that the attention it deserved.”

THE GRIEF CURE is a meticulously researched and lyrically written book about the many forms grief can take. More importantly, it presents wide-ranging manners of addressing it, from rituals and retreats to technology and medicine. Throughout, the author stresses the importance of balance (“You must find a way to live with grief without it becoming you.”) and community (“Few on the outside of grief choose to look in, and few on the inside are able to see out.”).

This small book is powerful and would be helpful to anyone trying to wrap their arms around grief, either from the inside or outside of it.

[Jeff Lochhead · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unique look into the world of grief. Not what I was expecting, but appreciated it nonetheless. Reads as part memoir / part informative text. Really enjoyed the voice of the author.

[Rachel Johnson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you Harper for a free copy of this book, #GoodreadsGiveaway. I’d like to thank the author for sharing his grief journey and being willing to talk about his struggles. I think there’s been a stigma for years talking about mental health and this is a step in the process to break that barrier. All grief journeys are different and in the end I could agree with the last two chapters. To be quite honest I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to finish this book. More so because I felt many of his early attempts to cope with his grief were not “healthy” per se and could be considered more harmful. It seemed as many coping methods were a way to turn from reality or alter it which may lead to other mental health problems down the line. I found this could be potentially harmful to others reading who may then also try those methods. Unfortunately I have seen a lot of death in my life. I may have missed it, but I think it would also be beneficial to put a trigger warning in the book when needed due to mention of suicide and those who were victims. I do like the references and fact checking sources he provided. I do think the book offered some insight into prolonged grief disorder that many likely do not know about and what as a society we can do for our grieving friends during and after a death has occurred. There’s a saying that actions are louder than words, and perhaps all it takes is a small stepping stone of showing up for those you care about.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I graciously received a copy of this book from the publisher. Out of appreciation, I would like to write a bit about my experience of reading it.

Delistraty's book is best read as a romp through a variety of unconventional grief treatments. Delistraty has treatment-resistant grief due to the loss of his mother a decade ago. The book explores some scientific, psychological, pharmaceutical, cultural, and sexual ways of dealing with grief and addressing the indescribable pain it engenders.

It feels wrong to criticize a book that is the product of such profound pain. However, for me, the book lacked a focus or narrative arc. It felt as if Delistraty would dip his toe into different treatments. Even when he engaged in a full course

But maybe that's the point. Grief isn't neat. Grief is messy, unfinished, incomplete, out of focus. I imagine it being like seeing part of a Jackson Pollock painting while on drugs. The book captures that aspect of grief.

I have been fortunate to have a life that, for my first 35 years, has had only a modest amount of grief compared to what I imagine others. Or, if that's a silly claim, I don't think death and loss have been formative themes of my life. Perhaps I'm not the intended audience for the book as of now. However, as I likely experience grief, I expect to come back to it.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written with honest vulnerable self reflection. An impulse library pickup—so glad I found it!

[Melanie Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rarely these days do I pick up a random book from the library. But this one was on display and as someone who has been grappling with profound grief for the last 3 years, I was intrigued.

The Grief Cure explores the plurality and difficulty of grief. Delistraty grapples with his mother’s death through a uniquely scientific and intimate personal lens, blending the two together to paint a picture of his innermost struggles and wishes to find a “cure.” I found myself nodding at much of what he had to say — particularly the passages in which he shared more personal details, recalled vivid memories of his mother’s death and the days leading up to it. This was the first time I had heard a story so similar to my own that I felt a little less alone.

It’s easy to know that there are people out there who have had the same experiences, but to read it — to put a name to it — is somewhat relieving. Someone out there knows what it’s like to be so stuck in my own mind, wondering if these are the only memories I’ll ever have of her anymore. The answer is no, but when you’re alone, it seems like the only option.

Delistraty also explores subjects like the use of AI, of drugs, of memory deletion, all of which I personally could never see myself doing, but it was intriguing to see someone so deep within their grief to be searching for a tangible way out. For me, I never thought that something could be done. Grief has existed since the beginning of humanity. We’re meant to sit with it, to know that its presence signifies love, but I suppose I can’t say there weren’t times in the early days where all I wanted was to not be plagued by vivid flashes of memories and sound bites of my mother’s last days for a brief moment.

If you’re grieving — really any kind of grief — I think this puts a great perspective on the experience. It removes the so-called structure society has given grief. We don’t talk enough about the profound feeling and long-lasting effects, how things just seem to go back to normal while everything in our lives has shifted to a status seemingly beyond repair. But we’ll get there, however we need to. Things will be fixed slowly whether by ritual, by revisiting, by sitting with it.

[Tonya Wertman · Rating 4 out of 5]

“The Grief Cure” is a powerful and thought-provoking read—not because it offers easy answers, but because it dives deep into the many ways people process heartache. From laughter therapy to ayahuasca ceremonies, Cody Delistraty takes readers on a journey through his own grief after the loss of his mother, while also exploring a wide range of methods others use to navigate their sorrow.

This is not just a memoir—it’s much more. Delistraty has conducted extensive, well-documented research on grief, weaving it seamlessly with his personal experiences. The result is a compelling and insightful narrative that sheds light on how we understand and cope with loss.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the book is his discussion of “Prolonged Grief Disorder,” a newly recognized clinical condition marked by persistent, unchanging grief that significantly interferes with daily life. It stands apart from the natural ebb and flow of typical grief.

Grief is something every one of us will face. Delistraty suggests that rather than seeking a cure, perhaps a more helpful approach is to reframe our understanding—to see grief not as a problem to fix, but as a complex emotional reality we learn to live with.

What he ultimately discovers is that no therapy or treatment is more powerful than the healing found in being with family—and in giving it time.

For some reason—probably because I’m a glutton for punishment—I’ve always found comfort in reading about other people’s experiences with grief as a way to process my own. It’s been 18 years since I tragically lost both of my parents, and some days I’m still learning how to live with that profound loss.

Books like “The Grief Cure” remind me that I’m not alone—and that healing doesn’t mean forgetting, but continuing on with love, memory, and grace.

[Matilda H · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author explores how to deal with grief in both more radical ways - such as how to not die at all, erasing memories of those we lost, or recreating them with AI - to the more traditional approaches of being present and grateful for the time spent together. Despite the interesting topic, I did not feel this book resonated with me beyond the surface level. Perhaps the somewhat generic audiobook narrator did not help.

[Audiobook, 3 ☆]

[Maryann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this book! It came into my life at just the right time. Facing loss is difficult. Cody Delistraty shared his personal experience as well as new understandings on grief. I will be sharing this book with others dealing with their own grief. Thank you to HarperCollins and Goodreads for the advanced copy.

[Connie]

#GoodreadsGiveaway

[Derek Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

Her Nikon camera doesn’t need to be fixed.
“The mere fact that once having had it alive, as heavy and hard as it was can also be enough.” - Cody Delistraty

[Nadhia · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is so much wisdom to be found in the research and literature shared in this book. The narrative interrogates the evolution of mourning and grief historically as seen previously in public life before moving onto how grief and even community have become privatized in modern culture. The author’s own memoir of loss is woven throughout which offers depth and added meaning to each topic.

A few favorite quotes:

“The past is ours, and there is nothing more secure for us than that which has been.”- Seneca

“Who are we to think that we are the gods who can cure people who are bereft?” Carriatore says. “It’s the emotional colonization of others’ grief experience.”

[Raisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A moving picture of one man's quest to solve grief that I found incredibly well-researched, human (and computer), and touching. I walked into it expecting "here is the one true solution" and the discussion of PGD excited me at first because of my own prior research (luv a new term) but I got something completely different and probably better. I respect the effort and bravery it took to put this all down on paper and publish it.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would recommend! I appreciated the author’s exploration of various types of grief, from the grief of absent parents, end of romantic relationships, to prolonged devastation. While I wouldn’t opt for some of the author’s strategies, I appreciated learning about his pathway to coping. I found the section of non-traditional rituals most helpful, as well as book therapy. (We are on Goodreads after all!) There is no one cure but to embrace the chaotic emotional journey of grief.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great addition to the grief memoir genre. Delistraty takes a look at his own grief with an eye toward “resolving” it and details the latest research and ideas for working through grief. Ultimately the conclusion is that there is no solution to grief, of course, but it’s still a really great & comforting read.

[Gigi Ropp · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book wasn't at all what I was expecting and, as someone who has experienced her fair share of grief, I was really hopeful. I'd strongly advise anyone experiencing grief to avoid many of the paths this author took, but am grateful to have read about his experiences nonetheless.

[Cara · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF, read 1/2. He talks more about the future of grief with technology, AI, etc. The armchair expert episode is pretty reflective of the book.

[Emma Hinkle · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this book, Delistraty unpacks various ways he has tried to address the grief of his mom dying ranging from psychedelics to medicine to AI chat bots to going on a hike. He sprinkles stories of him and his mom throughout the book and it reads as a helpful guide through grief as he wrestles through his own grief journey.

He highlights how our culture doesn't know how to grapple with grief and how we struggle to support each other. "But the way forward may not be a cure so much as a new view of grief. Grief not as a hurdle to be overcome but as a layered set of feelings to be lived aside." He notes that often we "outsource our feelings to strangers" when working through our grief with those we know can be really cathartic. He does not downplay the role of therapy, but notes for himself he wishes he had more community.

I found this book to be very insightful regarding how grief is often expected to be quick when it often takes a lot of time and that joy and sorrow can coexist. The different grief 'treatments' Delistraty discusses were intriguing and I appreciated the notion that at the end of it all community is extremely important and I've found this to be so important for my grief journey.

Thank you to HarperCollins for the ARC!

[Al Shapiro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book close to home as I too lost my mother to cancer a handful of years ago and have struggled to cope and accept as I find a healthy reaction. I guess I was expecting to feel connected to this person’s story and in some ways I did and while they did seem to grapple with and question if this should be considered abnormal they also seemed to want to label it a disorder. I don’t feel it’s a disorder. In my personal opinion I feel that society nowadays is too quick to judge people having any emotions at all “negative”, “sad” or “angry” and I feel people don’t allow themselves or others to grieve in what should be longer and a life process in my opinion. I though like how the author also did touch on this move to lessened and quick emotions as what’s acceptable in current US society as well. It’s good to be thorough and discuss every angle. Grief is personal and in my opinion nothing is wrong with you for having a hard time with it but I understand the challenges to get help if that’s what you desire in a society that wants to label everything as some disorder before help or assistance is allowed or supported. A start of an important discussion that can go further. Society needs to be open to all emotions even if it makes people sad or uncomfortable.

[Chris DJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cody Delistraty reveals the path of his own grief over his mother’s death and explores an array of different ways that people are using to process their grief. The book is not a memoir. It is so much more. Delistraty has done a significant amount of research about grief, which he has thoroughly documented. The combination of his personal narrative mixed in with his extensive research offers a compelling read. One of the most interesting pieces is Delistraty’s discussion of “Prolonged Grief Disorder,” a newly defined clinical condition characterized by persistent, enduring, and disabling grief that doesn’t change over time. It is distinct from the normal grief process. As we all know, grief is something everyone will experience in their lifetime. Delistraty suggests that rather than seeking a cure, a more helpful approach might be to develop a new perspective on grief – viewing it not as an obstacle to overcome, but as a complex set of emotions to be lived with. The Grief Cure is captivating. It may help you when you experience a devastating loss.

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is OK. It is a catalogue of how grief is 'cured.'

Yes. I know.

So the premise is flawed. And the historiography to explore how grief has attempted to be 'cured' in the last 200 years is inelegant and patchy.

Basically, we have a book where a person experiencing profound grief from a parental death attempts to find a 'cure.'

It is journalistic. It has a lot of Malcolm Gladwell-lite epiphanies... It is well written. But the pointlessness of the argument can't be parked...

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I honestly can’t remember how this book ended up on my reading list but I wish it hadn’t. 2 stars for being well written, minus the rest for too much time and attention spent on alarming/dangerous AI programs.
Some of the most sinister consequences of capitalism are the social isolation and low distress tolerance that come from the belief that we can do or buy “xyz” to escape the most uncomfortable parts of life—especially grief—instead of suffering with support of community. The reality is grief is hard, uncomfortable, and an integral part of life in big and small ways.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a quiet but powerful exploration of ways the author tried to tackle his grief after losing his mother when he was 20. It’s quite a personal account but is also well researched and explores various topics, such as using AI chatbots to recreate deceased love ones, death rituals over the ages and the medicalisation of prolonged grief disorder.

[Claire Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down and read it in one sitting. Every chapter was full of thoroughly-researched insights expertly woven together with the author's personal experience. A beautiful and moving read.

[Sabrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful. I lost my husband in 2020 and between therapy and this book I have been able to cope with this loss easier. It doesn’t end your grief just makes it easier to handle and work through.

[Christine Wyatt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this after hearing the author do a podcast interview so was kind of disappointed the author didn't narrate the audio book the narrator did a good job but felt less authentic. Also there wasn't a whole lot that felt new after listening to the author interview

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worth your time

[Sienna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a cure, because grief turns out to be precious, but a creative search through ways of coping.

[Bryan]

Not a bad book, just not what I’m looking for.